In Session Today : Part III

T and I tried to walk but it was too Cold. He called me my nickname he made up. I apologized to t for saying I was gonna have him arrested. We discussed my Christmas. T colored with me and I talked about trauma stuff. I told t that my biggest trigger is feeling ignored. T asked what I will do the rest of the day. He said see you maybe on Sunday (game night) I think t wanted to hug me by how he was standing there in front of me but didn't ask and I didn't either

T today. Part 1 (of 3):
Went in and sat down. He asked how the weird middle of the holiday week was treating me. I said was a bit stressful, since H and D are home and I'm used to having house to myself during week. Plus D has been kinda anti-Mommy. I said Christmas did go well, that she seemed into it for the first time. Asked if I could show him picture of her because I don't think I had before. Showed her one with her sitting with our friend as Santa. He looked at it for a minute, commenting on her big smile and how she was missing a few teeth.

I said how I felt weird saying this, but last session I'd wished him a good Christmas, too, and had no idea if he celebrated. That I wasn't asking if he did, just making sure he wasn't offended. He said of course he would appreciate any wishes said in that spirit and how anyone who doesn't is just looking to be offended. Talked about it for another minute. He did an impressive job of reassuring me while also not indicating whether or not he celebrated Christmas. So, he gave me what I needed without revealing something about himself (which is not something MC probably could have done...)

I said how I'd mostly done OK during the holiday but had felt some sadness Christmas Eve. That I felt kinda silly about this, but I watched the last half of "It's a Wonderful Life" as I usually do, and it made me cry. He asked why it was silly for it to make me cry, that many people are affected by movies. I said I didn't know. He asked what about it made me cry. I said it was also the whole thing at the end about how "no man is a failure if he has friends." That line just really affected me, like if people cared about me, my life has meaning. And also the stuff about how you don't know how much your life affects people. T seemed to get that.

I said there was something would seem really pathetic, that I was embarrassed to share it. T said, "Wow, that's a couple different qualifiers there. Why are you so worried about sharing it?" I said it was e-mails I'd sent to T and MC after watching the movie last year, how they were sappy and pathetic. I said what was in them, how they were thank-you's to each for being sort of "imperfect guardian angels" for me. And how T had replied saying I sounded really melancholy and she was concerned, when it was meant as an appreciation e-mail. T said how e-mails can often be misinterpreted and how it sounded like a nice sentiment. And MC had responded saying how kind it was, but then in session talked about my saying how they imperfect, how that was like a fallen angel, so was I comparing him to Lucifer?

I said to T how it made me sad because those relationships are both different now. He said how relationships can change, and was I sad that they weren't as close? I said yes. That especially with MC I felt like I'd messed things up (more to come on that in part 3). He said how relationships often are just meant for a certain period of time, how they run their course. That they might be what you needed right then. We talked about college and work friendships, etc.

Then I said how I felt weird that I'd basically spent the first 15 minutes talking about my reaction to a Christmas movie. He said it was common for people to have emotional reactions to movies, how in the past might be a poem or quote from book, but now more likely movies or TV, how everyone has favorites. I said one of my favorites, which might seem odd, was "sex, lies, and videotape." He said he hadn't seen that, though could picture the videotape cover.

I said another was "Shawshank Redemption." He said he'd seen that one, so wondered what affected me about it. I mentioned the quote about "Get busy living, or get busy dying." He seemed to get that. I said I also was really affected by the show "Six Feet Under," then was like, "Hm, I guess you're detecting a theme here." He said it sounded like I was drawn to things about the connection between loss and life. That he got the sense I was really affected by loss. I agreed, and said maybe it didn't make sense because it's not like I had a lot of losses early in life, I mean, grandparents who died in childhood, but nothing else. He said he didn't think it was loss from death necessarily but loss of relationships. How he'd noticed that as a theme with me so far. I said that made sense.

To be continued...

T Part 2 (of 3)
I said I guessed I should figure out what to talk about today. That I had my usual index card. T asked if I wanted to look at it. I was like, "Well..." He asked if there was something I was reluctant to talk about. I asked how he felt about dreams, how I knew he wasn't Freudian, but... He asked if I wanted his philosophy on dreams. I said OK, if it wasn't like 20 minutes. He said it was basically the brain working on stuff from earlier in the day. He said it was like shelving or, to us earlier computer terms, "defragging," which I said I got. That someone (he forgot his name) believed that there were universal dream symbols, like a lamp means the same thing for everyone. But T said he didn't think that, how it was more what a symbol meant to an individual in a dream. I said that made sense.

I mentioned some recurring dreams I'd had, like a recent one where I'd left my purse somewhere and had to go looking for it. T said that's a very common one with women. I also said the one where I'm in school and forgotten to go to class, and he said it's a common one, too. I think he could tell I was working my way up to something, that I wasn't just trying to talk about recurring dreams. Finally, I said, "So, you appeared in my dream for the first time last week. I hope that's not going to weird you out."

T asked about it, and I started by saying, "We were at a party--you were an awful party guest by the way!" He laughed and asked if that was real life or the dream. I said how in the dream he was reading a newspaper--bad party guest part 1!--and asked me to come over and sit by him. He then pointed out this article that was saying how constipation can help with some medical conditions. And he said, "See! This is exactly what I was talking to you about!" I said how he'd seemed so excited, that it was kinda funny. T asked how I responded, and I said I'd tried to match his enthusiasm, saying my own experiences with that.

Then I said, "OK, I feel really weird about saying this, but when you were telling me that, you were holding my hand. I hope that's not too strange to you." T said it was more about how it made me feel. I said I'd found it to be comforting, like about a connection. But that I felt kinda weird saying that. I said then my parents showed up at the party and I had to leave. And I suspected that was symbolic.

T thought that was really interesting and asked what I thought it meant. I said how maybe it was like I felt connected to someone, then my parents made me leave them. How maybe he represented someone from my past. T asked who that might be, and I gave a couple possibilities, including a former teacher. I said how it felt like my mom didn't want me confiding in someone other than her---so maybe it was partly that I was confiding in him? He found that to be interesting and asked more about it.

I said it might be that I'm being critical about her to him. But also that she'd some issues with various people who I listened to instead of her, like my former best friend, etc. He asked about whether she just expected me to only listen to her. How it may have been hard to separate from her, and I said yes, that made sense.

He asked about my trying to be more autonomous, like separating from my mom--could that have been a part of the dream? I said how that was interesting, because there was also my separating from ex-T and seeing him--so maybe that was related? And how that made me have more doubts about the MC relationship, like maybe it gave me more strength to consider leaving that? T thought that was interesting. I said especially because I had the maternal transference for ex-T--maybe my leaving her felt like stepping away from my mom. So seeing T could almost feel like a betrayal, something I was afraid of?

He said maybe the constipation was about how he's said I shouldn't take on other people's feelings so much. Like how I should rely on my own feelings instead. It made much more sense when he said it...basically that maybe he was giving me a message to hold my feelings back, to not share everything with everyone and then be susceptible to their opinions. How maybe that was hard for me. Which also made sense (it's been a recurring theme that we've discussed).

I mainly felt relieved that he had seemed totally fine with the dream, like he hadn't been bothered by the hand holding or anything like that. And I think it led to a helpful discussion.

MC stuff and abandonment fears in the last part, which I'll likely write in the morning because I'm sleepy...

Had a small fight with current T that could've led to larger, rupturous times but didn't (progress?).

She was being super clinical and giving me some usual rubbish spiel on developmental trauma, attachment blah blah (she has the grace to admit that she's repeating herself when she does that but somehow that doesn't stop her from doing it, even when she can clearly see I'm tuning out).

So, I tuned out (this was right after I'd been in a super emotional space and tried to explain what I was feeling when she launched into tired old soapbox) and after a while, told her I'm mad as heck (hadn't helped that the topic right before -- that somehow seems to make her shut down as much as me, no matter how many times we've gone at it -- is one that stokes my rage like little else).

Apparently, she'd figured it out and then proceeded to give a little play-by-play explanation of exactly what I'd said and done that had her figuring it out -- did not help and I just got madder.

Somehow, we muddled through and while she continued to be dense as heck and all kinds of weird about scheduling of all things, I decided to tune her out unless absolutely necessary.

Ugh.

T part 3 (of 3).
I said I guessed we should talk about some of the MC stuff, too. I said I just kept feeling like I'd messed things up with him. T asked why, and I said the thing about becoming "too much" for him. T asked what I meant, and I said just that I'd pushed too much, asked for too much. That it was especially difficult because he'd focused so much on reassuring me that he wouldn't abandon me, wouldn't reject me. But that I knew it would happen eventually. That I hated when I was right about stuff like that. Because it made me worry about other relationships. That if I was too much for *him*, a professional that I was paying, how could I not be for other people?

T asked me more about the feeling of being abandoned. I said I knew that MC didn't think of it like that, because he hadn't kicked us out the door, he says he's not abandoning me. But I said how he took something away (reducing outside contact) and I knew that was just one step on the path toward abandonment (gesturing with my hands), that it was headed in that direction. And I didn't want it to end like this. That if I hadn't pushed him too much, maybe it wouldn't have.

I said the problem with promising not to abandon someone, is that you can never really prove you aren't going to, like until one of you dies. T said there are also different definitions of abandonment--some intentional, some not. Like death is a form of abandonment too. Or if MC had just determined that he didn't think he could help us anymore. I said I guessed it was the same with rejection. T said, "And you also felt rejected by him recently with the alcohol thing, right? Like with taking your daughter to bars?" I said that yeah, I did. How it was hard for me because I thought of him as someone who just accepted me and didn't judge me--so then when he judged me, it was confusing. I said I guessed that was a form of black and white thinking, how he either is judgmental or isn't. That it changed my view of how he saw me.

T said that he thought if the phone call/request to limit outside contact had happened a couple months before, it would have completely broken me. But it didn't. I started saying that it did really crush me, but then I thought for a second and said, "But I did get through it, didn't I? It really hurt but I got through it." He agreed. I said I guessed that meant I was stronger than I was then, which he also agreed with.

I started crying (for the second time that session) and said I just felt like I'd messed things up with MC in the way I dealt with his wife's death a year ago. T asked what I meant, that he knew I'd found the obituary by Googling. I said partly that, but mainly how I'd reacted to MC saying he wasn't planning to tell us about her death (and would have basically lied to us if I'd point-blank asked about her, saying "Things are OK"), how I'd been asking him about that when I should have just left him alone. How I'd apologized for that a couple times via e-mail, but MC never even acknowledged them (like, I'm not looking for forgiveness, just maybe "thanks for saying that"), so that makes me think it still really bothers him.

T was asking more details around all of that, and I said how I'd basically figured out (something I overheard, stuff ex-T said, plus story MC told about wife) that his wife was sick over a year before she died and had asked MC some stuff about it then. How I asked if it was more chronic or terminal, and how he'd said more chronic, how it was something they were managing, how he'd rather be dealing with that than some other things (though never shared actual health condition--heart failure--until after her death). I told T that I'd asked him about her a couple other times, just when it seemed to affect our therapy (like he canceled a couple times, etc.). That I knew I should have just left him alone about it. And I had only done the initial Googling a couple months before she died. T seemed surprised by that. He apparently thought I'd done the Googling, asking about lots of personal stuff, etc., right from the beginning with MC. I said no, it wasn't like that, and I'm not generally like that with people--there was just something about him. I said with both asking him questions and then the Googling, it was because I got the feeling something bad was going on but didn't really have answers.

I said I think it had triggered me because my mom had been secretive about health stuff--like once my grandmother asked me when my mom's surgery was, and I said, "Uh, what surgery?" to which T was like, "Wow, what a way to find something like that out." I gave some other examples. T asked if I thought she was doing it to protect me, and I said yes...but that it ultimately led to me being more anxious because I always worried something was going on that they weren't telling me about. T said he understood how it would actually increase anxiety. And asked if I'd actually asked my mother why she kept it from me, and I said no.

T said he hoped this didn't come across in the wrong way, but he got the sense that I tend to be very worried about what's going on with people behind my back. I said I agreed, that I didn't take any offense at his saying that. How it's not just health stuff, but worrying someone is mad/upset at me but not saying--which was triggered by MC wanting to reduce contact, etc.

It was time to stop, so we scheduled for next week. As I was paying, I told him how H and I had discussed starting to reduce sessions with MC. I said part of me was worried about leaving MC, but also about leaving marriage counseling in general. T said how marriage counseling can be like a release valve for couples--that it keeps things from building up too much, especially if they aren't good at talking about things on their own. I said how I felt like H and I had gotten better about that...but I was still concerned about losing safety net. I said we could discuss more next week.

T said he hoped I got through the rest of the week OK (with D and H off) and shook my hand. Then he turned and noticed a tissue I'd dropped on the floor. He said, "Would you mind picking up that tissue?" I said, "Oh, sure, I'm sorry, I didn't realize I'd dropped it!" As I was picking it up, he said, "Oh, I know you didn't, it's OK." I said, "I guess that would be kind of a weird thing to do, like to leave it there intentionally to see how you'd react?" T replied, "That's actually pretty funny!" He said, "I'll see you next week," and I said, "See you," then headed out.

an intense session.

It started off with me just being super anxious, but I eventually told C how I'd been using visualization exercises during the week to box things up and shelve them for our next session, but that I tended to then forget. It very naturally led into well... an exercise I wasn't expecting.

He invited me to take a box off my shelf. He asked me to describe it, and, I've never done this before -- it felt silly at first -- but he asked if I wanted to open it, asked if I wanted a knife to open it, said one appeared in my hand when I consented...walked me through cutting it open, looking inside...it was harder than I expected. I felt things I didn't expect to feel.

The box was my "S" box (all about S and my feelings there). We talked about the first time S sat next to me on the sofa. And, it led to me telling him that, when I'd reacted as I had with S on the sofa (I had an instinctual duck and cover response when S had moved a certain way), that the associated were that I was exaggerating things to get attention. C asked me whose voice that was, and I said my ex stepmom and possibly my dad...but then, shortly, I realized it was certainly my dad. This all connected into me talking about an incident when I was a child where my dad came into my therapy and, afterwards, exploded at me. I've never really recollected or spoken about the content, but suddenly it was playing in front of me again, and I told C I was remembering for the first time my dad yelling at me that I was exaggerating things to make him look bad.

C asked if I, adult me, wanted to step in to the scene and respond to my dad. I declined. Then, he asked me if I wanted him (C) to step into the scene and respond. I was caught off guard, and I hesitated...then eventually told him "I know this sounds silly, but I'm afraid if you respond, it will just make things worse. After all, that is what happened when my then-therapist stepped in at my next session -- I wound up pulled out of therapy with her."

Then, C asked if he could respond as if he were my father. I hesitated again and said "I don't know. I don't think I understand what that would look like." And he began..."it would look like me saying to 12-year-old you...'can you tell me what's bothering you?....I want to take care of you... (here I flinched a bit)...You're my little girl (and here I slammed my hands over my ears, curled into a ball on his sofa, and said "Stop!" ...which he did, of course).

Instantly, my thoughts were rushing to try to shut off the feelings. I was thinking..."how am I going to get out of this?" and "I just need to pull it together to survive this moment, and then I can escape." I've never been able to capture my "my emotions are a terrible threat to my safety" thoughts like that before.

We didn't have time to really process. I boxed everything back up, he invited me to leave it there in the office, but I declined. I told him I was likely to fall apart as soon as I left - he asked what that would look like, and I said I would cry. He asked what I would be thinking, and I said "I don't know. If I knew, I would be thinking it already, and I would fall apart here." He said "and you don't want to fall apart here." Which I confirmed and told him that I was having "I just need to survive this" thoughts. I got ready to go without any prompting and did leave.

I emailed 15 minutes later just saying "You're still there? We're still ok? Right?" And he responded almost immediately saying he's still here, and he's still ok with me, and asked if I was ok with how badly he wished he could protect me. To which I responded "I wish it too. It just also hurts."

I also texted S, because I was in that sort of after-a-shock state where you feel compelled to check on those who matter most to you.

I'm glad I see C again tomorrow, but am still really really unsettled right now. Like, I really want to call him...or...maybe...to just email and tell him how badly "little me" wants to just cling to him and be held and bury her face in his shoulder and hide. Perhaps I will. I don't know. My thoughts are all a mess. I'm a mix of want and fear/reserve. A mix of child, critic, and adult.

He emailed back and said "My wishing I could protect you hurts?"

I sent this:

All tears. I wish C was my dad. I wish I wasn't limited to a 50 minute session. I wish I could just hug him and feel safe and just call whenever I feel like. I wish so many things.

What you wrote was moving and well put TMC.

I think when a person spots what they should have had as a child, there is grief for what should have been. Grief is powerful and easily overwhelming. Hoping that you have a bit of relief before too long.

I agree TMC. My eyes filled up with tears reading your posts. Therapy is redeemed with these vulnerable tender moments- you just see the goodnesses and yearnings in people. I could feel your T stretching is hand out to reach you, and you reaching back.

I teared up, too, TMC. I'm glad you see C again tomorrow. I hope he can help you through this...

I wrote it out, I wrote out all my ugly truth the ugly session right here and then I was logged out and it was gone.
You are lucky you are all spared that.

Thank you, Salinger and LT, for sharing that.
C did respond.

The emotions have settled down, and I'm mostly left feeling like today was an important introduction into what therapy with C could really be like, I think...I hope. We've spent the past 4 months getting to know one another -- building trust, building a relationship. Today felt different. It felt like, for the first time really, us working together - doing therapy together. And, I didn't feel alone. I felt safe with him - even when I reacted and threw up all the walls. I haven't felt like that before.

I've not done therapy like we did today before - with anyone. I could not have done that with S (exT) -- I would have felt silly. We were too much friends to do that kind of thing. And, he would have found it too gimicky - too "by the book therapy." It just wasn't us.

But, it is C and me. He gives me permission to speak from 'other parts' of myself and not stop those voices just because my logical side knows what they say isn't 'logically true' (something I couldn't do with S). C makes me feel ok walking through something as 'by the book' and 'gimicky' as visualized unboxing and describing what I see. Maybe it is those things, but it works. It works for me.

I am still achey. Sometimes, I think that C's desire/wish that he could be my dad, that he could hold and protect me, can be enough. But, something can't 'be enough' without the grieving of all it can't be.

I want to go in tomorrow, hug him like a little girl, cry into him, and hold on until the ache stops. He allows hugs, but I'm still..just..not there. Not really. Only in my fantasy world. And, besides...I can never be a little girl hugging him for real.

We discussed the fertility stuff. How the whole thing scares me a little because I always assumed that I'd never have kids, but that it seems like it might actually be a possibility with the steps we're taking now. I theoretically could have a baby by this time next year. Wow.

Talked about a situation I had with a friend the other day. That conversation led into how I don't feel like I'm going anywhere in therapy. How I have so much to work on, but I'm not struggling through anything. I'm good right now, all things considered.

She reminded me how disregulated I've been recently. How we're still setting up base camp. That it's part of self care for some people to go to therapy for maintenance. Then we talked about self care some. What are the things I'm committed to doing to take care of myself in 2018? My spring semester is going to be difficult: fertility treatments, work, extra crap at work, taking a graduate level course, etc. I committed to going to yoga twice a week like I have been. Continuing therapy. Meditation. Really trying to stay in the present instead of dwelling on the past or present. She said she really liked me committing to living in the present. Given my history it makes sense that I have a tendency to live my life elsewhere on the timeline.

Scheduled the next appointment as we moaned about the weather. It hasn't been above freezing all day here. I'm not made for this.

Really really relate to this. Thanks for sharing.

It's been a while since I posted consistently posted session notes. I've been working on some stuff these last few months that I didn't feel like I could really share with many people. Last Thursday's session when I gave T her Christmas presents was a session that helped resolve the inner battle/angst that had been going on between my parts. We talked today about how the thoughts after that session was like one to many strikes on the nail in a brick causing the brick to break apart into small pieces, dissolving away the barriers between my parts.

I went into the office and promptly sat on the floor. This was the first time I had sat on the floor since my most recent surgery. She asked if she should sit on the floor and I asked her to please sit near me such that both of us would have our backs against the couch. There was still a good foot or so between us.

We spent most the session talking about a discussion I had with a friend regarding my therapy. It had been an ongoing discussion/disagreement/misunderstanding about my therapy. I had wanted to do this because social interactions and assertiveness are struggles for me. I wanted to look at the discussion with that mindset, had I read things in a reasonable way, were my responses inline with being true to myself while maintaining openness and compassion for the other person's perspective. I had felt really good about the conversation and had felt that I had stayed in open space. We didn't really get to that part of our conversation. We talked about different parts of the discussion and how I interpreted different statements and such.

I wanted to write a reply to my friend about this topic as I believe we are both agreeing with each other in principle but we are using the same word with different meanings. I used the example of... if you saw only the word present... how would you know the context... am I talking about a gift, or the current moment in time. We talked about this a little bit and where I thought this might be happening in the discussion with my friend. In the end, she didn't know how I should go about sharing this concept; she thought I knew my friend better and would be better at determining how to say things (typical T, pass the buck back to me).

As that topic was winding down, we talked about how after I started therapy, I had done lots of research into how talk therapy was to make a difference because I just didn't understand how talking week in and week out would make any changes in me. After that research, I decided that many of the things they talked about needing to be able to tap into - feelings needed to let the child talk and to comfort/parent that child, I didn't remember feeling. I didn't know what they felt like, how to recognize them, or what actions invoked those feelings. I decided at that point to take a very experiential approach to my therapy, part exposure and part regression (T hesitantly used this word because of its negative connotations, I already knew I was doing that). I needed to learn what things felt like... what actions brought out the feelings of feeling loved, cared for, attended to, to trust... to list a few. I needed to know what it feels like to feel loved, cared for... and such because I had no memories of them. I have knowledge of the fact, but no connection to them as feelings. So I pushed myself to do things that would put me in position to experience these things at a visceral, intrinsic, or implicit way/level. The idea was not to judge, dissect, analyze the feelings or moments. To allow them to be, to feel them, recognize them, and to enjoy them. To learn the safety of feeling them. I call these moments, special moments because I never know going in what things will result in what. Last Thursday when I gave T her gifts, we went through the first one and I experienced one emotion, something that is a bigger problem. I gave her the second one and there wasn't much in the way of feelings there. When I gave her the third gift, and she opened it, she exclaimed "Thinking Putty...... Magnetic! Thinking Putty!" That was one of those special moments. A seed that was planted into my bank of experiences that would allow for a new/different neural matrix to be built upon (or something, T had better words for it). You can't script those moments. We talked a bit more here before moving on to next topic.

I asked her what it was that allowed her to say that it would be ok if a part of me always saw a part of her as mommy and loved her as mommy. T talked about how there are all these theories out there and then there are the 2 people in the room that make the relationship. It is because of both of these things that she felt comfortable with answering yes to my question.

Time was up
me: I love you

t: I know

me: I'm happy

t: (pause) I know

me: thank you, really thank you for everything

t: thank you for being you

me: and you for being you, it wouldn't have worked if you weren't

t: same back at you

good byes, happy new years, be safe, see you Tuesday

It was a warm session.

Saw T3 tonight. The last week I have been super agitated, unable to sleep. She wanted to trace that back. We sort of started doing that. She talked too much, as usual. She has been fantastically helpful in the past with brainspotting, but not very helpful with the talking.

Somehow we got to me being frustrated, feeling like I am progressing backwards. She said that in order to do good work, we have to agree on goals. And. We don't.

I told her that I don't think we agree on goals, that I hear her saying that I need to go with whatever her goals are (and be "good"). And that I think I might as well quit. She asked if I wanted to take a break. I was switching all over the place and struggling to stay present. All I could really say is that I don't know. That was an adult part not letting me just quit in the heat of the moment. She pulled the usual therapist card of I should come back and talk about taking a break or quitting, that we should have goals in writing, etc.

It's so frustrating because the Brain Spotting has been so, so helpful. But she isn't going there, has said that a few times when I have asked. I hate to give up on the hope that the brain spotting has held for me. But, we haven't done any since June. And to keep going and keep talking is just doing the same thing and expecting different results.

I guess it is time to at least take a break. I don't really want to burn the bridge, but I also am just not interested in putting myself through another session just to say that I am taking a break. Due to the holiday weekend, if I am not going to my next appt (which is Tuesday), I will need to cancel tomorrow. I want to cancel. No, what I really want is to do the body stuff; emdr, brain spotting, SE. But I guess I have to find someone else who will do that. Which means I will probably have to drive a couple of hours, one way. Sigh.

I am going to try again because I want to associate it, I want to pin it down, I want to articulate and gather and name it. This might be very triggering, so please don't read if s/a is hard for you to read about. I need to say this.

I was very triggered going in to therapy today. Something happened at Christmas with an abuser and although it was "minor" I suspected it meant something different to someone else inside because of the degree of triggering and dissociation that followed. But at the same time I wondered if it wasn't real and "being triggered" and flooded with sadness about that was just a way of avoiding some important but overwhelming work I have to do for my job. Because what happened wasn't a "big deal".

So I was very triggered going in. We said our hellos and then I just dissociated away... one after the other, jumping from topic to topic, always coming back to the triggering topic and then leaping away again because it burned. Around and around we went, in and out, none of us able to stay in place for any length of time or sentence, switching in and out and away again.
Then at about 20 minutes in, words were said and once out they couldn't be put back in, the secret was said. They were words that let T know what happened at Christmas, this Christmas, not years ago, but now, this week, right here.

Then came the backlash, the inner perpetrators, the barrage of internal abuse directed at a little one who sat terrified and silent, hiding herself as best she could, shaking in the chair.
After a time T managed to reach her and calm her so gently kindly, with whispered words it's okay, you're safe, you're here in my office, nothing can hurt you here, and gently lead her/me/us back into the room softly gently slowly.

She helped us get grounded again, using scents and textures, things to hold and touch and smell and see. She helped me verbally lead her through my work day, walking through setting up and preparing the environment, getting everything ready and organized. This part was soft and peaceful and grounding. It felt safe for then.

Then time jumped again and I was aware that some part was telling T about an abuse incident from years ago when
I managed to put two and two together and realized that was when a particular alter was created, a promiscuous one whom we have never talked about, never connected with, never accepted or wanted, and then there was so much sad that flowed and washed over me us them.

I thought I could say more about what happened next. There was switching our way through that old abuse scenario and then it jumped back to Christmas with

a big blank spaceness that cannot exist

We had to leave. We couldn't bear to be alive in front of her any longer.

"So, you could stop caring about me, and there's nothing I could do about it? to stop it?" "Yes." ....so that's how MY session ended today......

I'm not even kidding. I'm a f***ing mess. I talked about S most of this session. And about the difference in my feelings towards S and towards C. and at the end, I told him I was scared I'd said too much. That he'd think I didn't need him anymore and would stop responding to my emails, stop caring about me, that I'd be replaced. I didn't say it, but I also worried my telling him that I do think of him every day may have taken him aback and now he'd pull away... whatever. I told him my fears that he'd stop caring about me, and he said "well, if it were to happen, there's nothing you could do about it or to stop or change it." And I thought...is he saying what I think he's saying?? So I repeated to him: "So, you could stop caring about me, and there's nothing I could do about it?" And he said "Yes. But, it goes the other way too. If you wanted me to stop caring, there's nothing you could do..."

I said "well that's just made thing 10 times worse, and so I'm going to leave now" and ran out and bawled the whole way home. My stomach is still in agonizing knots.

He emailed me and apologized, asked me to forgive him, and said he misspoke - that he wasn't going to stop caring about me or wishing he could protect me and keep me safe. But, I said...

Dammit, guys
I let myself believe again...
I keep wanting so badly to believe someone is going to care, permanently, and stay (excluding death/serious injury/illness, you know).
But he freaking SAID it, and I don't care that he's trying to retract it - he DID mean what he said. He said it multiple times in different words/ways.
Everything hurts.

Hugs, TMC...I'd be feeling the same way if my T or MC said that.

And this rings very true for me: "And, in fact, the people who have made those promises are the ones who broke them in the shittiest ways. Made worse because I keep wanting so badly to believe such a promise can be true...I keep believing it can be true "maybe this time...maybe this time."

tmc - I'm sorry you are hurting so much. I hope this is not bad timing on my part. I find it important that he also said this "Yes. But, it goes the other way too. If you wanted me to stop caring, there's nothing you could do..."

Like you said, people have promised that they will always be there for you, always care, and never leave you in the past and broke it. He was acknowledging that his feelings are his, if he cares or not cares about you, it is about him and not your actions. I agree his wording sucks beyond belief and was not what you were needing in the moment. I do believe he was trying to reassure you that even if you tried to push him away, he would still care, because he does care about you.

Thanks, LT and Elio

C is consistent enough in his insistence on caring about me that I KNOW he wasn't saying "I'm going to stop caring about you, and there's nothing you can do about it," but that's just what keep repeating in my head. I know what he was getting at -- that it's not my fault people have stopped caring -- that there's nothing I can do to make his feelings go either which way (although I don't believe this. I absolutely believe I could do things to make him stop caring). I do get that. Logical me gets it. The rest of me, though is just like.........
seriously this was the worst time for this kind of thing
We spent our entire session with me fighting back tears over S (exT) and his seeming to have stopped caring about me

Literally this was just the worst time ever.

I feel like I'm dying. This pain is uncontainable.

I am so frustrated with myself from session today. I was brokenhearted over new family photos T put up and displayed. I hope it didnt show. Before his photo was discrete, and tipped to his desk so only he could see.

I have serious childhood trauma, and he pushes me to tell all these secrets, which I do. I trust him. He is an expert in trauma , and also I trust his humanity and respect that he takes boundaries seriously. I am not sure if the little kids pain me so much bc the is the age we focus on that I was, or because I am jealous how much more he cares about them than his job or me despite all the confiding( he says he leaves therapy in the office and doesnt think about it again when he leaves for the day).

The minute I saw the photo, it was like an uncrossable distance came between T and me, like I lost him in the woods or saw him far across a room.

I cant understand myself, or why I feel this way. I have a BF who is all the things T is- bright, insightful, funny, but somehow increasingly it is only T who makes me feel safe. I dont know if confiding in him and not BF is a mind game I am playing with myself, but the feelings were epically sad and sorrow out of proportion to anything I should feel. I am seriously thinking about quitting, bc I am losing perspective that this is a professional in an office I see for fifty minutes, and I just want to curl up in the palm of his hand and not have to leave. I feel extremely guilty about my BF.

Yesterday's session:

We had rescheduled to 1pm because T is going away. Our usual time is 7pm.

It was weird going there in the daytime - I had a brief panic on the bus at one point because I didn't know where it was, and then I realised... oh… that's because I can't usually see where it is. My night vision is terrible.

It was nice to see his house in the light, though. I noticed he has a chicken… a wooden chicken?... in his front room window. So, erm, that's interesting.

There were two crows right outside, looking like they were up to something, as they often do… I was five minutes early so I watched them for a bit. It felt like a good omen.

I rang the bell, he came to get me, we went in…

The first thing I did was sit down, take off my shoes, and tip one of them upside down to get a piece of gravel out. I tipped it into my hand and T automatically passed the bin over to me. I smiled and said "that was annoying!"

I passed the money over to him, apologising for the pile of pound coins, and folded my legs underneath myself.

T said something like "you've surprised me with dragonflies!", referring to the top I was wearing. I said "you expected cats? I also like insects a lot!" (we've talked before about my penchant for cat-themed clothes/jewellery - he notices these things!)

We talked a bit about how I'd found it weird to go there in the daytime. I told him about the crows, about the panic on the bus. He gestured towards the half-open blinds, saying that in the daytime he tries to have it so that light will come through but people can't see in. I think it must look out onto the back of his neighbour's house.

Then we talked about how I felt bad, making him see me right before his holiday… I said, I know, I know, I'm not really making him... and he said - “yes, I was going to say, I thought we'd come to a mutual agreement!”

I said I know that really, but my feelings won't listen.

I told him about a session with a previous therapist (the one before T(wat)), when we’d rescheduled to an evening appointment instead of the morning and I'd felt like I was intruding somehow. How he lived in a top floor flat on the seafront and walking up the stairs, smelling people's dinners cooking, I'd felt like I shouldn't be there.

I told him that when we'd first arranged the regular 7pm appointment, I’d wondered if I'd feel that way with him, seeing him in the evening…

But I never did. I always felt welcome.

So I theorised - perhaps rather than this being about the time of day, it was about the change in routine? Or was it about him going away?

I said I felt like it must be annoying for him to see me just before he goes away. He must feel like I do about the last couple of days of work I'm doing before I go away on Monday…

He said… "would it help to say welcome, Luc - you are welcome here?"

...and I very quickly responded with "I don't believe you."

I feel bad about that. Why did I say that? I do believe him. He always makes me feel welcome. I feel like I rejected his kindness.

He said something like "well, I'm saying it, and I do mean it.”

I guess part of me was feeling something that couldn't be changed by anything he said, that wasn't really about him. Some part of me couldn't feel welcome, no matter what. I wish that part hadn't so quickly rebuffed what he'd said though.

T said... “would it help to hear my side of this?”... something like that, I can't remember the words that were used here very well.

...and I said... “like, that it's hard for you to be away from all your clients for so long?”

He said that he feels bad, not being there for his clients. Then, I think he got a bit anxious about the self-disclosure... he said, that's his stuff obviously, and he works on it in supervision and in his therapy… But all I felt about it in the moment was... ah, that's ‘cos you're a good person, T, a genuinely kind person. And it did help. To know that it's hard for him too.

It feels really good, thinking about it now, thinking that he cares, that it's hard for him to leave me (us). But... that's the thing with self-disclosure, even when it feels good, it can have negative effects.

Like, later in the session, when I was really sad, it did occur to me (maybe this is why I posted in Dear T, apologising) that my being that way could make things harder for him. That it would be kinder to be like "you go off on your holiday, T, and don't worry about me, I'm just fine, la la la!"...

So then part of me felt bad for being sad.

Anyway, I just said... “that does make me feel better, actually.” And I moved on.

I said I'd had a really bad couple of days... Probably a combination of exhaustion and hormones. I talked about my discovery of 'atypical depression', how it sounds like something I might have, and he asked some questions about it, we talked through it a bit.

I said that I feel comforted by the thought of it in a way, but that also a diagnosis would be meaningless if I won't try medication for it.I said it feels nice to think that some of my problems in that area could be a condition, rather than... just me.

I talked about how my parents have both suffered a lot with depression, and I always kinda wondered... why not me, why don't I relate to it? So when I read about the 'atypical' kind it was like... something clicked.

I said... how I was miserable as a teenager, but I blocked it out with drugs and alcohol and sex... and now that I no longer have those things... the sadness is very much there. He asked something like, what other emotions was I blocking out? And I said, well, the anxiety, obviously - that appeared in the last five years or so.

And, that what I'm really suffering with right now... is anger. So much anger at everyone and everything, and underneath it is just terrible bottomless sadness. I was thinking about how T(wat) told me that everyone lets me down, and it annoyed me, because it was his way of wriggling out of his responsibility… but it rang true. I do feel let down a lot. I didn't say that, though. I'm not sure why.

And then I told him about Tuesday, how I was so angry at my partner, and later, so angry at at a friend, and how they were so nice about it.

We talked about how I get even more angry with people online than in person, and how I don't read these forums much anymore because I just get so upset all the time.

T asked if there are people I don't feel angry at. He asked how it felt when my friend was nice to me, in response to my anger. And he asked what comes after the anger, and what I do with it...

I said there are a couple of people I can think of that just don't seem to trigger my anger. Plus him. He doesn't make me angry. I'm not really sure why.

I said that my friend being so nice to me was hard. It's almost like I want people to get angry back at me... and when they don't... guilt, and self-hatred. There's always so much self-hatred after the anger. I hate myself and I want to hurt myself, it all gets turned inwards.

I said... “I want to hurt myself”, and I was crying silently, and T was sitting silently, and then there were the voices of children drifting in from outside. It was a weird moment. A sad moment.

I told T that I cried and cried and cried on Tuesday, I just cried all day. He said "do you know what you were crying for?"

And I knew that the answer is simply that I hate myself, but I couldn't say it.

So I just said 'yes, I know why', and I curled up and I cried some more.

I was sort of coming in and out of being near to dissociative, lost in sadness, physically and emotionally trying to disappear… we talked a bit about it, when I was managing to breathe and look at him and pull myself together... I told him I wanted to curl up forever, to disappear.

He asked me if the floor was warm enough for me to curl up on... I thought that was weird. He actually put his hand down and touched the floor, to gauge its warmth. He asked if I could curl up in the chair, and what curled up me would say... or would she say nothing?

I said she wouldn't say anything, she just wants to disappear.

I felt too self-conscious, then, to curl up, and it was getting towards the end of the session… I needed to pull myself out of it.

T said it was getting towards the end and asked what I might need from him. He asked if I wanted him to stop looking at me, something like that... maybe he thought I would want to curl up if he wasn't looking? I guess he picked up on my self-consciousness. I was a bit confused about what was happening at the time.

I looked at him, and said... “we need to talk about something else”, and we both sat in silence for a minute, trying to decide what to talk about. He breathed in, as if he was about to say something, but I thought of something at the same time… so he let me speak.

I told him about a song I'd been listening to on the bus, how I'd never really fully HEARD it before, even though I'd heard it many times. How moved I had been by it. I described it to him in some detail. He asked what it was, repeated the name of the singer back to me... like he was genuinely interested. I wonder if he will look it up. I love the thought that he might actually look it up. He was probably just humouring me though.

We had some further light conversation, as I left. I said “I hope you have a good holiday”, but I said it looking at my feet like a sulky teenager. I did mean it.

I wish I'd said “I'll miss you".

(((((((TMC)))))))))
I am so, so sorry you are going through this. I also have a problem with having a logical me vs. having an emotional me that gets really upset at things. I really hope you are coping okay. I know that there's nothing I can say to make this better for you, but know that you are not alone. A lot of people here care for you and know how you feel. Please take care and treat yourself with kindness.

C did respond to my email.
He said...

It's helpful. But, I can't stop crying. It hasn't stopped the pain.

I called S out on his not responding to my texts from yesterday. I told him I wasn't doing well today and, thus, reaching for him..to which he said "I'm sorry I'm not there when you reach."

And I basically feel just gutted today.

I'll be fine. Just. idk