I am in the thick of what feels like intense transference and I feel like I have no one to talk to who understands. My T says in his experience it gets better. I feel like I am the exception to the rule.

I was up til early hours of the morning trying to process extreme hate and rage. I resent how much I love this person. The way they can just come into my life and have so much power over me. They envade my mind, my heart and my life. I feel like a prisoner.

Part of me wants to protect myself. Part of me thinks I need to just keep going through this. I have talked about it endlessly with my t. Wrote lots of letters pouring out my feelings. Nothing helps. I keep feeling like I am drawn into this fake personal relationship then suddenly time is up and you realise just what this is. A business arrangement.

I cant process my hate and rage. My resentment of feeling so much and feeling like I am not seen. I am not heard. My love is not even appreciated. Just like it never was as a kid

I am jealous and insecure. Feel defective and therapy makes it worse. I feel like nothing.

My attachment feels ambivilant. I live in a childlike world of fear of abandonment.

Nothing helps. I want to lash out but I cant. Say **** you. Im gone. But I am so weak and needy I cant do it. I feel like my T has a magic flute and he makes me dance. I want to take the flute and shove it up his ***.

I feel so alone

[here today]

Have you dealt with other "trauma" feelings? They're unbearable, that's why they were dissociated, they last "forever" because they haven't been fully felt and processed yet. Each time I "bore" the unbearable up to the moment it became unbearable, I had "borne" and processed that additional little piece of it. It really sucks, I wish psychologists could come up with a way to help people process things more quickly. But I don't know of anything myself that might help.

It sounds like it's good that you know it's transference, at least some of it. And the unprocessed rage and anger from your childhood is bound to make any real-world, current-time issues you have with the T all the worse. So hopefully it's​ mostly the transference. So sorry you're having to go through this. :-(

[toomanycats]

Hi there,

I'm going to suggest a blog that you might relate to and might help you understand what you're going through:

https://boundaryninjatales.com/2011/...-really-arent/

[Fernwehxx]

Im right there atm too, but I can't even tell her. I wrote poema for her, but I dont know how to tell her how mich I got attached. I want to accept it for now, but I dont know if its just plain sick.ans then I felt too hurt to talk to her last night, and I just shut down... And there were so many things u wanted to say but couldnt because I thought, heel, how can I tell her how intense feelings I have for her?

I think I really have to let her know bc this is eating me up.

I have no idea if its gonna do any good, tho.

How long have you been with your T?
I ince exoerienced it in the past, and I fantasized avout her long after. Back then I was a teenager and thought I was dealing with romantic feelings, but now I know its not that but that deep, dark desire to lean on someone whom im not too much for, probably related to my mother issues.

I totally hear you. I have no idea who to talk to about it. I just had a threat on attachment. All I know is I want her to know, want her to know everything, but I can't say the words...

[SalingerEsme]

Your OP made me so sad on your behalf, and all of ours who work through trauma , I agree it would be more humane if there was an easier way to process without the epic pain that goes with it. I believe if it were physical pain, no one would allow it. It is excruciating to feel that whiplash between the intensity of session and the sense of being cast out after and not cared about- out of sight out of mind. That isn't the truth though. There IS constancy in the caring. The boundaries are there to make the therapy time heightened and extra special/ Impactful to it can work. No they do not love us like family or something; I comfort myself though that the personal life people who have the everyday love probably don't get the pure attention we do. One thing I have found that eases this a little bit is so have a few easier sessions, that don't dwell as much on "the work". If I dig deep down into trauma memories, I leave and I feel like he doesn't care, he leaves me crying in the stairwell , he asked for so much and then left me without a net etc. This is especially true if there are outside stresses. On the other hand, sessions in which the material doesn't overwhelm the relationship, and there is laughter and a lighter topic, the coping skills so taxed by transference kick in and the pain is less. It took me forever to figure that out, and it might not be true for anyone else. There might be a way you can regulate how much a given session taps out your resources for the rest of the week?

[peaches100]

I agree with Salingeresme. Too much intense focus on past traumatic events, without enough resources to cope when the sessions ends, often results in a level of transference, attachment, and neediness that is difficult to cope with.

Since my t is not available for support outside sessions, I cannot allow my therapy work to exceed my own limits of coping. I have had to insist on "stepping back" whenever working on past traumas has left me feeling too anxious, unregulated, and needy for my t.

I noticed that you are relatively new in your therapy with your t. Is it possible that your t is trying to accomplish too much too soon?

It is pretty common to have intense feelings of attachment, anger, anxiety, etc., come up in therapy due to transference. What you are experiencing isn't abnormal. Your t is correct that as time goes on, those intense transference feelings often become milder and more manageable. (It hasn't been very true in my case, but I know it has been true for many others.)

[SalingerEsme]

Exactly what Peaches said- Esme

[RaineD]

Originally Posted by estellanomore

I am in the thick of what feels like intense transference and I feel like I have no one to talk to who understands. My T says in his experience it gets better. I feel like I am the exception to the rule.

I was up til early hours of the morning trying to process extreme hate and rage. I resent how much I love this person. The way they can just come into my life and have so much power over me. They envade my mind, my heart and my life. I feel like a prisoner.

Part of me wants to protect myself. Part of me thinks I need to just keep going through this. I have talked about it endlessly with my t. Wrote lots of letters pouring out my feelings. Nothing helps. I keep feeling like I am drawn into this fake personal relationship then suddenly time is up and you realise just what this is. A business arrangement.

I cant process my hate and rage. My resentment of feeling so much and feeling like I am not seen. I am not heard. My love is not even appreciated. Just like it never was as a kid

I am jealous and insecure. Feel defective and therapy makes it worse. I feel like nothing.

My attachment feels ambivilant. I live in a childlike world of fear of abandonment.

Nothing helps. I want to lash out but I cant. Say **** you. Im gone. But I am so weak and needy I cant do it. I feel like my T has a magic flute and he makes me dance. I want to take the flute and shove it up his ***.

I feel so alone

I feel the same way about my therapist. I feel like he's holding me hostage emotionally. Sometimes I want to throw something at him and leave, but I know I'll never be able to do it.

Sometimes I have these dreams in which he terminates me, and I wake up feeling such intense anger and pain that it's crazy. I've never felt such intense emotions upon waking up from a dream.

I don't have good advice for you. Just wanted to let you know I understand how you feel.

[BudFox]

I was in one of these situations also, and was only after getting distance from it that i realized it was pointless suffering.

Seems most of these "transference" scenarios are all about first-do-harm. The client is splayed open like a gutted fish and unable to function, and everyone says it's normal.

I think it's critical to reject all the cult-y procolmations about the necessity of submitting your feelings for processing.

[Ididitmyway]

I was once where you are and I am happy to have left that horrible experience far behind. I was stuck in this pointless suffering with each therapist I had. You are certainly not the only one and you are far from being an exemption from a common rule. After having heard so many harmful therapy stories, I am convinced that your experience of transference is quite typical, unfortunately. I believe that those cases when it gets better are rather exemption from a general rule that it causes pointless suffering that gets worse over time and leaves the person more traumatized than they were before therapy. This issue, unfortunately, doesn't get honestly addressed by the profession.

The good thing is that you are aware of the fact that this is not a therapeutic experience and that you want to end it, even though you feel too weak and too dependent to quit right now. Just continue to be aware of this and don't buy into the idea that this is something you need to "work through" with your therapist. You won't be able to work it through by endlessly talking about it and writing letters to your therapist about it. If anything, it may only get more intense and more painful. I am not saying not to talk and not to write about it. Do whatever you need to do in the moment. Just keep in mind that none of those things will liberate you from this obsession despite what your therapist might say. In order to get liberated from this you'll have to do your own work "on the side". You'll have to figure out on your own what kind of old sore spots and old longings your therapist triggers in you that give rise to your feelings. At the same time, while doing your own work, it might help to space out sessions and/or to take brakes in order to reduce the frequency of seeing this person. You can also consult with someone else in the process. You have the right to get a second opinion so it may not be a bad idea to try someone else while still seeing this therapist. Also, you may consider trying some alternative healing methods that address emotional problems differently. Some types of body work do that among others. Eventually, you'll be strong enough to leave this situation if you set your intention and commit yourself to it. This is how I did it.

[magicalprince]

Hey estellanomore,

It sucks to hear what you are going through. I think a big part of this is "my love does not feel seen."

I think you are wishing for some kind of response he's not providing for you. It sounds like he is acting almost indifferent to your feelings, like they're somehow not even affecting him and that can be really jarring, maybe his (apparently) "above it all" attitude relative to you is in part providing you with this frustrating sense of not being seen and maybe that is contributing to your transference feelings. I think you are trying to understand what effect you have on him and he's somehow not responding to that need or not even picking up on it. Sadly this really seems like your T himself could be a big part of the problem.

[Myrto]

I know you are going to be advised to «*work through it*» but work through what exactly?
There is nothing to work through in my experience and it doesn’t get better either.
I also don’t understand why there is always this assumption that transference stems from trauma.
I was incredibly attached and obsessed with my therapist and I have no trauma, didn’t suffer any abuse, had a very happy childhood, have a good relationship with my parents. I was simply depressed and lonely (depression is pretty isolating).
I only got better because I was terminated. It was a blessing in disguise that allowed me to escape that hell.

People talk about working through it but it always means spending months/years in therapy discussing problems that were induced by therapy itself instead of addressing the reasons you went to therapy in the first place. And then what? Would you feel better? Happier? More fulfilled? From what I have read it doesn’t seem to be the case for a lot of people who decided to stick with their therapist in order to «*work through it*»

I know how impossible it feels to leave a therapist you are attached to, you feel like you won’t be able to survive. It feels that way but it is not real in my experience.
You can leave and get better, perhaps with another therapist.
I don’t have any advice, just that the recquirement to stay with a therapist in the hopes of resolving transference usually doesn’t work.

I've been there. I've been worn my T 14yrs. When she first took breaks, the anger I felt was exploding in my head.
I can't give you a magic answer. All I know is.... Over time, her consistency, her regard to me, her integrity, her ability to meet that anger and not be destroyed or threatened by it, bit by bit took the anomity of it away.
The original wound that caused this, the unstable, non consistent parent has been almost healed.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by Myrto

I know you are going to be advised to «*work through it*» but work through what exactly?
There is nothing to work through in my experience and it doesn’t get better either.
I also don’t understand why there is always this assumption that transference stems from trauma.
I was incredibly attached and obsessed with my therapist and I have no trauma, didn’t suffer any abuse, had a very happy childhood, have a good relationship with my parents. I was simply depressed and lonely (depression is pretty isolating).
I only got better because I was terminated. It was a blessing in disguise that allowed me to escape that hell.

People talk about working through it but it always means spending months/years in therapy discussing problems that were induced by therapy itself instead of addressing the reasons you went to therapy in the first place. And then what? Would you feel better? Happier? More fulfilled? From what I have read it doesn’t seem to be the case for a lot of people who decided to stick with their therapist in order to «*work through it*»

I know how impossible it feels to leave a therapist you are attached to, you feel like you won’t be able to survive. It feels that way but it is not real in my experience.
You can leave and get better, perhaps with another therapist.
I don’t have any advice, just that the recquirement to stay with a therapist in the hopes of revolving transference usually doesn’t work.

Wow, impressive, someone ACTUALLY sees things as I do, that work through it is a highly annoying answer and seems really useless. Thanks for pointing it out

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by Myrto

I also don’t understand why there is always this assumption that transference stems from trauma.
I was incredibly attached and obsessed with my therapist and I have no trauma, didn’t suffer any abuse, had a very happy childhood, have a good relationship with my parents. I was simply depressed and lonely (depression is pretty isolating).

Agree. Therapists as a group seemed insanely fixated on connecting everything that happens in therapy with a handful of patterns or problems from early childhood, as if present circumstances cant be just as significant. It's brain dead one-cause/one-cure thinking.

Originally Posted by Myrto

People talk about working through it but it always means spending months/years in therapy discussing problems that were induced by therapy itself instead of addressing the reasons you went to therapy in the first place. And then what? Would you feel better? Happier? More fulfilled? From what I have read it doesn’t seem to be the case for a lot of people who decided to stick with their therapist in order to «*work through it*».

Yea, the elephant in the room is the possibility that therapy itself is directly causing misery, and for no godd*m good reason. Seems in many cases it totally submerges the client's other problems and creates a brand new hell from which the client has to escape, while the therapist insists healing is taking place.

[Fernwehxx]

Its interesting to see different view on this. Its true, if it ibitiates a whole new problem that keeps one from working thru the actual issue, then it might be better to end the relationship and see if another T is a better fit. The end will hurt, but we'll get over it (I ince got attached to my rehab therapist, and eventually I had to go home).

In my case, it helps me in a way to really let go in therapy. I am so closed off, and even though it hurta aomwtimes feeling so attached and dependent, its what really makes me share my deepest thoughts and fears. I could not do that with someone who was just professional because I qouldnt establish the trust needed (I do not trust people).

So, I guess everyone has to decide if transference is okay in the situation or not and act accordingly.

[PinkyDoo]

I still have these feelings of transference, and I believe it has everything to with my past and who I am as a person. I like what ididitmyway has to say about it, though. I would have thought that talking about it with your T could help reduce it.

In my case, as soon as I talked about it, put it on the table, it got better. I still have feelings, but they are manageable. I don't know why. They get stronger a day or two before an appointment, and vanish after I leave, until the next time.

I think working on it on your own would be a good idea. And possibly also spacing your appointments. Mine are every other week.

I am now on a three week break from my T due to Christmas Holidays.

Things seem to be getting worse so I asked my T if he can ask my ex t (they work together in the public health system) to see me for a session so looks like that might happen monday or tuesday.

I heard a quote that to get out you need to go through it.

But I still need to live my life between sessions. I am not coping.

[Thalassophile]

Originally Posted by PinkyDoo

I still have these feelings of transference, and I believe it has everything to with my past and who I am as a person. I like what ididitmyway has to say about it, though. I would have thought that talking about it with your T could help reduce it.

In my case, as soon as I talked about it, put it on the table, it got better. I still have feelings, but they are manageable. I don't know why. They get stronger a day or two before an appointment, and vanish after I leave, until the next time.

I think working on it on your own would be a good idea. And possibly also spacing your appointments. Mine are every other week.

I found every other week too difficult and had to go more often. It helped me cope better for sure so I guess it depends.

Talking about it also helped me and seemed to help lessen its intensity. For a few days at least. At the moment it's still there but not as intense which I'm quite happy about going into the holiday break.

[Wonderfalls]

It sounds like you've talked intensively and often about this to him and that it didn't help or made things worse. I agree with those who say you need time away. A break, spaced out appointments or even a different therapist for a while at least. I think some of this extreme transference will lessen in time, but in the meantime it seems to be getting worse, which can't help.

[Fernwehxx]

I am seeing my T Monday after 2 weeks, which felt like forever. I have realized that directly after a session, I miss her like nuts and would like to send her emails and texts and so ill my guts, and after a little while, I just feel kind of empty and somewhat withdrawn and lonely but totally look forward to seeing her.

I have realized a lit that I feel lonely and misa my bff. I guess talking to my T is not surprisingly causing me to feel all this...