[growlycat]

I’m struggling right now because the holidays and being with my family of origin makes me mentally unwell. I really wonder why I do this to myself.

I’ll be returning to the state I live in soon but that means seeing my therapist again. I went into the holidays kind of fragile because of a jealousy situation on my part.

My last session before the holidays I saw my t. But, he ran a bit late with his patient before me and I heard them laughing. When they walked out it was clear that my t and this patient have a really warm relationship. Kashi even said his parting catchphrase to this guy. I don’t know why i thought it was something he only said to me. I feel stupid. During session I didn’t bring it up. After all t didn’t do anything wrong.
Leaving session I stopped in the ladies room. So when I was exiting the building t was letting in the next patient again they were clearly fond of each other.

I feel stupid for ever feeling special in therapy. I am one of many. Not sure where I am going with this post. Not sure how much I am confusing therapy pain with family of origin issues. Just in pain and so very tired of hurting my whole life.

Sorry growly. I can see how much that would hurt, especially as your mutual warmth has been something you've talked about a lot with Kashi, and is obviously valuable to you.
It's important to remember though that his relationship with each of his clients is different, and just because he has a warm relationship with other clients, it doesn't make the warmth he feels towards you any less genuine.
I know it is hard to hold onto that realisation, especially when you've had a difficult Christmas with FOO. Hugs.

[growlycat]

Thanks RS. Your kind words are helpful right now.

As I think about my situation, my family and going back at least one generation there is a sick pattern of parents having open favorites usually the youngest sibling. It caused so much toxicity that sibling relationships are difficult to this day. I realize that my need to be kashi’s favorite comes from being the least favorite in my own family. Im probably reinacting some bad stuff right now.

[Amyjay]

Ooh. Yeah. No wonder that is so triggering for you.
His relationships with other client don't take away anything at all from yours. When you are there in that room with him he is there for you. None of those other clients get more than you or better than you. He shares catch phrases because they are a part of who he is. Your relationship with him is unique and genuine.
FOO issues and holidays suck. Kashi will be there for you when you get back.

[growlycat]

Thanks (( Amjay)) hoping to feel less broken soon

Hugs growly. Parents practicing favouritism hurts so much. I feel punched in the gut each time T steps out into the waiting room to talk to a patient looking for her (delaying the start of my session as I wait in the waiting room). Has happened several times. It also hurt as hell to learn that she sometimes offers OTHER patients half an hour sessions outside her usual clinic hours. I asked her why she never gave me that as an option when I was only able to see her once a month for a whole year due to her schedule. She said I would take the whole half hour to open up.

I feel "She's so warm to them, her warmth towards me isn't special. I'm not special, just one out of 40+. I'm no one's favourite, I always come last."

Hugs.

[confused_77]

Originally Posted by growlycat

I’m struggling right now because the holidays and being with my family of origin makes me mentally unwell. I really wonder why I do this to myself.

I’ll be returning to the state I live in soon but that means seeing my therapist again. I went into the holidays kind of fragile because of a jealousy situation on my part.

My last session before the holidays I saw my t. But, he ran a bit late with his patient before me and I heard them laughing. When they walked out it was clear that my t and this patient have a really warm relationship. Kashi even said his parting catchphrase to this guy. I don’t know why i thought it was something he only said to me. I feel stupid. During session I didn’t bring it up. After all t didn’t do anything wrong.
Leaving session I stopped in the ladies room. So when I was exiting the building t was letting in the next patient again they were clearly fond of each other.

I feel stupid for ever feeling special in therapy. I am one of many. Not sure where I am going with this post. Not sure how much I am confusing therapy pain with family of origin issues. Just in pain and so very tired of hurting my whole life.

i can relate to this. i treasure all the moments that make it seem like the relationship is special and unique and that we are not just another appointment. anything that means me feel like its just two people who like each other.
try to think about the relationship you have with others. does feeling connected and close to one person take anything away of what you have with somone else?

Hugs Growly,
I can really see how this would trigger these deep feelings and stir up some new ones perhaps.
Like others have said each t / client relationship is different. It’s good that you caught that this is from your past and not your present. Could you imagine if Kashi wasn’t laughing or being nice to his clients, how that would make you feel too.
This time of the year stirs up lots of old but very young feelings, you have a choice now though how you would like to react to them, by punishing yourself by feeling not good enough or not as special as his other clients or perhaps trying something new and acknowledging these painful feelings with him or on here and seeing what they really need from you. Maybe just being heard and acknowledged will help.
You and Kashi have a really good relationship, I know it’s hard to see that now but try not to forget about your relationship with him.

[SalingerEsme]

Originally Posted by growlycat

I’m struggling right now because the holidays and being with my family of origin makes me mentally unwell. I really wonder why I do this to myself.

I’ll be returning to the state I live in soon but that means seeing my therapist again. I went into the holidays kind of fragile because of a jealousy situation on my part.

My last session before the holidays I saw my t. But, he ran a bit late with his patient before me and I heard them laughing. When they walked out it was clear that my t and this patient have a really warm relationship. Kashi even said his parting catchphrase to this guy. I don’t know why i thought it was something he only said to me. I feel stupid. During session I didn’t bring it up. After all t didn’t do anything wrong.
Leaving session I stopped in the ladies room. So when I was exiting the building t was letting in the next patient again they were clearly fond of each other.

I feel stupid for ever feeling special in therapy. I am one of many. Not sure where I am going with this post. Not sure how much I am confusing therapy pain with family of origin issues. Just in pain and so very tired of hurting my whole life.

I so relate to these feelings you have about Kashi, and his other patients. It is so painful, and I think the pain originates through a glitch in therapy and not a glitch in you( us). The problem is that it plays pretend of a very exclusive relationship that rings buttons socialized into us for what love partly is.

Like going to a movie or reading a book, we suspend our disbelief, take a leap of faith, and enter into a world of imagination aided and abetted by the more knowing T. This is really good, until a reality check happens like you experienced, and then the pain can be epic.

I think in session a lie both is and is not told. We "know"there are other patients but be dont know. It is rare in any other life experience to have that level of intimacy with someone that isnt reciprocal and we have no social experiences and training for therapy outside of its own little world.

Your relationship with Kashi would look the same way to a different patient, if they were coming out of the bathroom, and saw Kashi fondly saying his farewell catch phrase to you.

I have soaked in love from my T and his horror at the trauma I experienced one minute, and got the boot to cry in his stairwell while he saw other patients and forgot about me the next, and deeply questioned the ethics of therapy, the humanity of it. It has helped me though. It is aways about our relationships with ourselves, and never about the T. The hope is we take what we feel about T into the real world and recreate the good parts with our new skills?

Anyway, I am sorry and I get it. Kashi seems less sincere if he does it with everyone, and that is a healthy socially appropriate reaction to a socially unique, artificial situation.

My last thought is a bit eccentric and weird. . . but I feel for my T's wife. He gives such love and almost seductive insight during my session, and presumably everyone else's. It would freak me out if my husband did that all day.

[rainbow8]

I know how you feel, growly. My T makes me feel very special and we have a close relationship but it hurts to see her move so quickly to the next client. She usually has back to back sessions so there is generally someone before or after me. It helps to think about a teacher with many students. Each one is different and hopefully the teacher cares about each one. Ideally a mother loved each child no matter how many she has. Your T can care for each client, and it doesn't mean you aren't special to him. You are!! I'm sorry it was difficult being with your family. For sure that's why you're feeling the way you do right now. Hugs.

Hugs growly. I'm sorry it hurts so much. If knowing you're not alone helps at all (because I don't know any other way to help and really want to) I'm struggling with wanting to be more to t (ex-t I need to start saying). And feeling really stupid because I told her. I agree with the others. Your t feeling warmth for other clients doesn't take away from the warmth he feels for you. I can't imagine trying to deal with feelings like that right after being with your family. This is why I so rarely see my own FOO. It's always a struggle to get back your equililibrium or however you spell it after a visit, huh. anyway hugs to you.

[DP_2017]

Hi growly,

Sorry this happened, I can relate. While there is at least 3 things i KNOW with proof he only does or has done for me, and while he says others are just for me, I can't help but think he likes other clients more or has more fun with them etc, it bothers me but only if I dwell on it

The other day he had a new person right before me which does not happen and he asked me outright in session how I felt seeing her etc, it was like he was trying to provoke my jealousy. I actually am ok about other client stuff as long as its out of sight.... it bugs me more thinking about him laughing it up and hanging out with co workers, the people who get to know him better than me, they are not limited by rules

Anyway, I am sorry again and I don't blame you for not saying anything i would probably not either.

[LonesomeTonight]

I'm sorry you're feeling this right now, Growly. The combo of that happening right before the break, then seeing your family makes it extra difficult.

I know exactly what you mean about wanting to feel special with your T--I even told that to MC at one point. (I had felt that way before with him, but it became a bigger issue with me when I found out he wouldn't have told us about his wife's passing, even though we'd known she was sick, and I doubt many other patients would have known that--mostly because I figured it out from assorted clues.) At first, he said how he treats/cares for all of his patients equally. I said I knew, but there was this kind of pathetic part of me that just needed to hear him say I was special. He said it wasn't pathetic. And then, "You are special, just like all of my patients are special." And for some reason, hearing him phrase it that way satisfied me--it was like I needed him to say I was special, no matter what qualifier he put after that. So presumably a childhood thing...

I've also heard MC telling one of the same stories he told us to the woman he sees before us, and they were both laughing about it. Of course he shares his stories with many patients, since that's a big part of how he does therapy, but it still felt weird having him say the same story. And once, after our session, he was retrieving his next client, a teen, MC affectionately patted him on the foot, which made me feel jealous--I'm sure because of the paternal transference stuff.

I've never seen current T interact with other clients (he doesn't walk them to waiting room), which is probably a good thing--though I don't have the same attachment to him (at least at this point!) as I do to MC, so it likely wouldn't affect me as much. Though I have looked at people in the waiting room when I've been leaving and thought, "Hm, is that one T's?"

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by SalingerEsme

My last thought is a bit eccentric and weird. . . but I feel for my T's wife. He gives such love and almost seductive insight during my session, and presumably everyone else's. It would freak me out if my husband did that all day.

This is something I've thought before too, actually. Like at one point (before I knew she was sick), when I felt jealous of MC's wife...then realized that if I was married to him and knew how he interacted with his patients, I'd probably be jealous of them. Especially if he didn't seem to be listening to me or caring if I was upset--I could see being like, "Oh, I see, you can listen to and care for your patients and their problems, but not your own wife?"

Plus, now having experienced transference, I would wonder how many of his patients experience that toward him (the positive kind) and how he felt about that adoration. Like if he had patients who basically worshipped him, no matter what he did, or wanted to hop in bed with him, how would he feel about his wife being critical of him or not being so adoring...

[ruh roh]

I'm sorry growly. It's something I try not to think about. The other day we were going over a change in schedule because I am cutting back and there was a time she said she could work into alternate weeks with a place she goes to volunteer. And I immediately felt like crap that she sees other people for free and enjoys them so much more. But you know, it's just an old script that's playing, right?

I can't remember how it came up, but she told me once that she had clients she really gets along well with and they have engaging talks, but the client doesn't really do much with their therapy; and she has other clients who don't have the same rapport, but who do amazing work in therapy; and other variations. I think I came away from that thinking that therapy has a lot less to do with the relationship than people say it does. And also, that I am not really anything more than an appointment. I try to remind myself of this and just focus on being well and happy outside of therapy (easier said than done, but it's worth it).

[toomanycats]

Just another one here to say - you're not alone.

I go out of my way to avoid running into any of my T's other clients. I even have nightmares about him completely ignoring me in order to be with his other clients. I also find that, for me, there is a typical "demographic" of other clients that I find particularly triggering: young women between the ages of teen - late 20s. Do you relate to that at all? Meaning, is there a particular demographic that you might find more triggering?

It was important for me to ID that, because, what I realized, is that I most needed someone to be there for me from my teenage years through my 20s, and yet, nobody was there. I'm intensely jealous of those girls who get to have my T there for them during that time in their lives because that is when I needed him most. It doesn't get rid of the jealousy, but it helps me understand it.

[growlycat]

Originally Posted by toomanycats

Just another one here to say - you're not alone.

I go out of my way to avoid running into any of my T's other clients. I even have nightmares about him completely ignoring me in order to be with his other clients. I also find that, for me, there is a typical "demographic" of other clients that I find particularly triggering: young women between the ages of teen - late 20s. Do you relate to that at all? Meaning, is there a particular demographic that you might find more triggering?

It was important for me to ID that, because, what I realized, is that I most needed someone to be there for me from my teenage years through my 20s, and yet, nobody was there. I'm intensely jealous of those girls who get to have my T there for them during that time in their lives because that is when I needed him most. It doesn't get rid of the jealousy, but it helps me understand it.

Yes I absolutely relate!!! I think I am more jealous of other women and that age can be triggering for me too. They have bright futures all in front of them so I worry they feel more rewarding to work with for t.

Everyone’s answers are so helpful right now. Still processing it all. Thank you

[SalingerEsme]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

...then realized that if I was married to him and knew how he interacted with his patients, I'd probably be jealous of them. Especially if he didn't seem to be listening to me or caring if I was upset--I could see being like, "Oh, I see, you can listen to and care for your patients and their problems, but not your own wife?"

Plus, now having experienced transference, I would wonder how many of his patients experience that toward him (the positive kind) and how he felt about that adoration. Like if he had patients who basically worshipped him, no matter what he did, or wanted to hop in bed with him, how would he feel about his wife being critical of him or not being so adoring...

Yes! This is exactly what I mean. Thanks for understanding.

[MRT6211]

I understand the feeling of wanting to be T’s favorite entirely, too. I get very jealous at times. For me, it’s been hard recently because I’m in a day treatment program and so I know everyone else that T sees personally, and I have to see her interact with them on a daily basis as well. But, I do have to say that this has helped me be less jealous than I was in the past with Ts and their other patients. I’m starting to become more comfortable with the fact that she has special relationships with each of us and that my relationship with her is very different than her relationship with her other clients. Sometimes I still catch myself feeling jealous when she has interactions with other people/I can feel myself almost wanting to compete for her attention, but I’m really trying to check myself on that and I never let those feelings come out or be known. I feel like I should probably tell T about these feelings/my feelings of attachment towards her...but that’s one thing I’m incredibly scared to/uncomfortable with talking about. Maybe someday.

[awkwardlyyours]

GC -- you have my serious sympathies.

This manifested in a big way for me with current T around time stuff (going over with the previous client and stopping right on time when it came to me).

I don't know if this will help but some of what I've done has been around noticing when it comes with other people -- you're definitely not as crazy as me but yesterday for example, I was waiting to get a massage (from a fuzz-faced, hipster-ish 20-something dude who I was seeing for literally the first time -- my interest in him couldn't possibly have been lesser than it was).

I heard him finishing up with the previous client (payment stuff with small chit-chat) and I was SO.FRICKIN'.MAD. It made no sense whatsoever but the burst of jealousy I felt about the really familiar way they were talking to each other drove me nuts.

Another time I distinctly remember noticing this -- when I'd literally been hanging out with someone at a meditation retreat for a few minutes and I noticed her talking to someone else with some kindness and boom.....I was fit to be tied.

Until then, I'd not given her any more thought than thinking that she's a kind, fun person and that's about it.

For me, the only thing -- and I need to do a whole lot more work around it, I know -- that I can currently trace it to is somehow feeling like I'm just "not enough" in any way, to hold my mother's attention (I had my father's attention in screwed-up ways).

There's a lot of stuff mixed up around it -- I never knew what would be of sufficiently high level to keep my mother's sustained attention (it's a feat I still haven't managed to accomplish!).

So, in seeing current T or someone else with other people, I assume they're either still thinking about the previous person or going on to the next person i.e., I've been bypassed altogether.

I'm not sure how to get to that point where it feels like I have enough to hold someone's attention in full and actually feel like it's real and authentic -- I feel it at times (in therapy and elsewhere) but it's rather elusive.

I guess the only thing I'll say is that whatever it is, it has to come from within me.

But yeah, I have no idea how I'd do if I were to try sorting that out while also dealing with my family of origin -- hang in there and get out as soon as you can is all I'd say....

[pepper_mint]

This is my list:
1. At first place, I'm jealous of T's family. They are (probably) the most important for her And they are bound forever.
2. Then - close friends. They can spend time together, talk, laugh, party, and they know each other very well. I'll never know my T
3. Co-workers - when sometimes I hear they're laughing and talking together - I think I wish to be at their place. At least this.
4. Other clients are at the end of that list. Actually, I often see only one client - an older woman. And I'm not jealous of this one. But sometimes when I notice a younger woman who is leaving the building I'm a little bit jealous and I start thinking "Is she my T's client? Is she more interesting than me? Does T like to work with her more? Do they have a better connection?". Luckily it doesn't happen often...

[Fernwehxx]

Well, I do see my T with other clients, or hear her with them. I try not to think about it too much.
I am quite attached and wish to be special to her. I even wish I could be there for her, too. I know i feel lonely a lot and wish for a closer relationship than just t and client. Its hard wishing for a friend, a swcond mother, or both at once.

Feel hugged... Guess thats all I can say.

[Sarah1985]

Ugh, I have these feelings too and it’s horrible.

[toomanycats]

I also have this strange jealousy for both clients that T knows well AND new clients....

Like, fear of being replaced by someone new

Fear of not mattering as much as someone who is more established than me

Can't win!

[growlycat]

Originally Posted by awkwardlyyours

GC -- you have my serious sympathies.

This manifested in a big way for me with current T around time stuff (going over with the previous client and stopping right on time when it came to me).

I don't know if this will help but some of what I've done has been around noticing when it comes with other people -- you're definitely not as crazy as me but yesterday for example, I was waiting to get a massage (from a fuzz-faced, hipster-ish 20-something dude who I was seeing for literally the first time -- my interest in him couldn't possibly have been lesser than it was).

I heard him finishing up with the previous client (payment stuff with small chit-chat) and I was SO.FRICKIN'.MAD. It made no sense whatsoever but the burst of jealousy I felt about the really familiar way they were talking to each other drove me nuts.

Another time I distinctly remember noticing this -- when I'd literally been hanging out with someone at a meditation retreat for a few minutes and I noticed her talking to someone else with some kindness and boom.....I was fit to be tied.

Until then, I'd not given her any more thought than thinking that she's a kind, fun person and that's about it.

For me, the only thing -- and I need to do a whole lot more work around it, I know -- that I can currently trace it to is somehow feeling like I'm just "not enough" in any way, to hold my mother's attention (I had my father's attention in screwed-up ways).

There's a lot of stuff mixed up around it -- I never knew what would be of sufficiently high level to keep my mother's sustained attention (it's a feat I still haven't managed to accomplish!).

So, in seeing current T or someone else with other people, I assume they're either still thinking about the previous person or going on to the next person i.e., I've been bypassed altogether.

I'm not sure how to get to that point where it feels like I have enough to hold someone's attention in full and actually feel like it's real and authentic -- I feel it at times (in therapy and elsewhere) but it's rather elusive.

I guess the only thing I'll say is that whatever it is, it has to come from within me.

But yeah, I have no idea how I'd do if I were to try sorting that out while also dealing with my family of origin -- hang in there and get out as soon as you can is all I'd say....

Sharing your experience is so helpful to me. I worry that I am not enough as well. I am the eldest child I know be always worked hard to be “good” without much in the way of results. I feel like it has made me boring and that others won’t be interested in knowing me.

When one of my sisters visited when I first moved here, we went to a concert and a total stranger ended up hanging out with us. I couldn’t help but get the vibe that he was interested in my sister and I as only tolerating my presence.