[confused_77]

I am sure thinking of suicide as an option is not that uncommon, especially among us here - those in therapy.. Recently those thoughts have been very persistent for me... i would never ever mention it to anyone but in my worst months i mentioned it to t. I am ashamed of feeling that way and hope that one day ill wake up and realise that it shouldn't be an option. anyway, at first she was shocked and worried. now it just seems to be an ongoing theme in our sessions that's on standby.
it feels comforting to be able to talk about it and sometimes it is the one and only solution other times i feel like I'm being manipulative and want her to worry for me. it took me such a long time to even mention it to her and the reason i post here is because of absolute anonymity... i would never admit that to anyone.
at some point when things were even worse i felt like i need a permission from her, like i wanted to tell her that if i ever do it she should not feel responsible..
another aspect... you know how rational reasoning is mixed up with irrational. i was so paranoid that if i did give up someone would contact her to find out what has been doing on...why would I even care about it?
i did hesitate about posting this but its so confusing. it's a safety concept and at the same time such a real solution...
what are everyones thoughts on those type of conversations?

[fille_folle]

I have discussed suicide with T, but never talked about how it would affect her. Also, you're not being paranoid that someone would contact her to see what happened if you offed yourself.

[confused_77]

Originally Posted by fille_folle

I have discussed suicide with T, but never talked about how it would affect her. Also, you're not being paranoid that someone would contact her to see what happened if you offed yourself.

what was the discussion like? would all the emails remain confidential? would she need to explain anything? would anyone think she is liable? those are the actual question that go through my head...

[Hazelgreen]

I have talked to my t about suicide. She has told me that she would be som saddened. I told her not to ever blame herself. I wouldn’t want this for my family either. I do need to talk about it though. It is in my mind frequently. I talk about it to try to take away some of its power over me. Also if I was going to do it I would want to talk to t inc case she could offer me some hope and I wouldn’t have to go through with it. I hope that doesn’t sound manipulative. I would just want to see her or talk to her.

[confused_77]

Originally Posted by Hazelgreen

I have talked to my t about suicide. She has told me that she would be som saddened. I told her not to ever blame herself. I wouldn’t want this for my family either. I do need to talk about it though. It is in my mind frequently. I talk about it to try to take away some of its power over me. Also if I was going to do it I would want to talk to t inc case she could offer me some hope and I wouldn’t have to go through with it. I hope that doesn’t sound manipulative. I would just want to see her or talk to her.

hmmm.. it is all new to me! i didn't go to therapy feeling like that and unfortunately while therapy was going on things were happening irl and suicide did become an option. as explained before i feel very ashamed of it but so extremely stuck in some areas with no way out (as of yet) that it keeps coming back and i too need to talk about it to take the power away (well phrased)

[ElectricManatee]

I'm glad you're talking about this with your T. I have found that just talking about the thoughts can lessen their power. I don't think it's a sign that you're seeking attention or being manipulative, and I'm glad you believe your T cares about you and wants you to stay safe. Having thoughts of suicide is quite common (way more one might think), but that doesn't mean it isn't really scary too.

I did some poking around online once to read about the experiences of therapists who have lost a client to suicide. Yes, there is the potential that your T could be held liable for your death (e.g., if your family sued), but even worse, your T would likely always feel on some level like they failed you. I don't say this to put extra pressure on you, but rather because I hope you keep fighting the good fight and staying alive. If your reason for getting through is that you don't want to hurt your T, I think that's as good a reason as any.

[ChickenNoodleSoup]

We talk about it on and off. T will ask at least every 4th session or so whether the thoughts are there, and what they are.He never seems worried or like it's anything special to disucss or anything. The only time I guess he was worried was when I shared enough about them that he knew that I would basically try before seeing him the next time. After the attempt he also seemed a bit worried/angry/emotional in general. But he normally knows how to handle it all well.

Personally, I "like" talking about the thoughts. He's the only person that I feel understands what I am talking about. That just because I have thoughts doesn't mean I will act on them. But he also knows how to get me to tell him whether or not he should be worried or should maybe suggest we have an extra session or something like that. Of course there's often things that bother me more that I'd rather talk about. But I don't mind talking about thoughts and I don't feel like it bothers him or something.

My boyfriend has mentioned that if I ever did go through with it, he'd blame my T. But I don't really care about that, I'd take enough precautions that nobody would have any chance in a lawsuit against T or similar.

[MRT6211]

I discuss suicide very frequently and casually with T. Current T is very, very good at early interventions/not letting the thoughts get too bad...if I tell her early enough...she even has told me that she will drive my butt to the hospital herself if that’s what she needs to do to keep me safe. Recently I wrote in my journal (which she reads) about my suicidal thoughts, instead of telling her right away...boy, she was not happy with me for that one. Lesson learned...

As far as you wanting her to worry...I don’t personally believe that’s manipulative. I think that’s natural. You want to know that your T cares about you and would care/be affected if you weren’t around anymore. It’s good to feel cared about, and that’s one of many ways to feel it.

I think there’s so much comfort in talking to T about it because it’s a subject that’s very hard to talk about casually with other people. T’s are usually the only ones that understand/don’t overreact to such sentiments, in my experience.

[Fernwehxx]

Well, I have mentioned it to my T that I have been thinking about it. I did think about it a lot and sometimes still do.
We didn't really focus on the aspect of suicide but more on the fact that I just want everything to stop because it's too much.... the thoughts, the pain, the emptiness, EVERYTHING.
Thinking about it doesn't mean I am seriously considering it, tho.

Thing is, I have been on the other side and experienced suicides in my life. It's easy to say not to blame oneself, especially if the other person is not well, either. I'd do anything to avoid it.

I know that if I told my T I was seriously considering it, she'd have to act upon that.

[confused_77]

its good to know so many of you talked about it with t... to me even now it does seem like such taboo... it makes the whole topic less scary!

[malika138]

I agree that it is good that you talked to your t about it. We all need a safe place to talk about it. I am glad that my t understands that I may not say the exact words "I am suicidal" even if I am feeling that way and she is fully aware that

Possible trigger:

with an ex-t when I called this ex-t with a plan, the ex-t said, 'we'll talk about it next week' so I attempted. This means my current t takes my indications seriously yet professionally (no overreacting).

Also, having conversations with t about it made it less jarring when pdoc asked me directly last month. I can handle the conversations now. So, confused, keep talking!! And posting here!!

I talked with my last T about it. I spent time at home researching it and developed a specific plan. My T said she felt at that time that I was creating my escape plan. That I took comfort in having an out just in case I needed it. It was interesting.

These conversations can be awkward, but I believe they need to happen. Its nice to get it off your chest and have someone to help process it or intervene if needed.

[Elio]

When I was at my most vulnerable around this and my T knew, I kept imaging some type of accidental thing happening and her thinking I did it on purpose. I think it doesn't help that I promised to call on call before I acted. It was a persistent thought... how would I tell her it was an accident, all the while still wishing to be dead.

We talk about it much less now. She reads my journal so she has more of a peek into what is going on for me than just what we talk about in sessions. There are times where she'll ask me if I'm safe. A few times I was taken back only to realize the next day or so how vulnerable I was and how those thoughts just seemed to come back.

[confused_77]

Originally Posted by TheSadGirl

I talked with my last T about it. I spent time at home researching it and developed a specific plan. My T said she felt at that time that I was creating my escape plan. That I took comfort in having an out just in case I needed it. It was interesting.

These conversations can be awkward, but I believe they need to happen. Its nice to get it off your chest and have someone to help process it or intervene if needed.

i too research it a lot. probably to have a perfect plan for fear of failing if i do give it a go...
as explained in many many posts i email about things i cant talk about but the volume of messages makes it impossible to talk about everything. also i absolutely hate not being able to voice my thoughts in a conversation... i can write loads but it doesn't want to come out when i speak. same goes for conversations about suicide... it makes me so depressed that i feel i dont have the skill to talk the way i write (not that I'm great at expressing things in writing)
i have this fantasy of spending an afternoon with t even in her office and just getting myself so comfortable talking thay i get to the point when i can say it all or loud. one hour seems not enough.

[NP_Complete]

I've talked about it with my therapist on multiple occasions. I've told him what my plan is and the times when I came really close to following through, I told him afterwards. It's really uncomfortable to talk about. I feel a lot of shame about it. I've also told him that not wanting to hurt him is one of the reasons I haven't followed through with it. I sometimes wonder if he takes me seriously, though, or just thinks I'm trying to get attention.

[confused_77]

Originally Posted by NP_Complete

I've talked about it with my therapist on multiple occasions. I've told him what my plan is and the times when I came really close to following through, I told him afterwards. It's really uncomfortable to talk about. I feel a lot of shame about it. I've also told him that not wanting to hurt him is one of the reasons I haven't followed through with it. I sometimes wonder if he takes me seriously, though, or just thinks I'm trying to get attention.

i can relate to what you wrote so much. thanks

I'm not sure why a T would feel "shocked and worried" . Suicide isolation is common.

I had a therapist years ago that terminated me because I would not get my family to sign off on legal papers saying they would not sue her if I attempted or committed suicide.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I talk to my T and Pdoc about my thoughts. Thankfully, my Pdoc found a medication that has basically wiped all those thoughts. It's so freeing not being burdened by them. But some passive thoughts still come up if I'm dealing with any sort of stressor. I can talk to my T about everything: thoughts, feelings, details, etc. She doesn't check-in with me unless I sound like I lost all hope. She knows I'm safe if there's a fight left in me. But it's my history too. I've suffered from thought since I was 13. It's nothing new. I've been with T for over 2.5 years, never made an attempt. And my T is part of my safety plan. If the meds and coping skills don't work, calling her is next on my list.

There's nothing to be ashamed of for having thoughts.

[confused_77]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

I talk to my T and Pdoc about my thoughts. Thankfully, my Pdoc found a medication that has basically wiped all those thoughts. It's so freeing not being burdened by them. But some passive thoughts still come up if I'm dealing with any sort of stressor. I can talk to my T about everything: thoughts, feelings, details, etc. She doesn't check-in with me unless I sound like I lost all hope. She knows I'm safe if there's a fight left in me. But it's my history too. I've suffered from thought since I was 13. It's nothing new. I've been with T for over 2.5 years, never made an attempt. And my T is part of my safety plan. If the meds and coping skills don't work, calling her is next on my list.

There's nothing to be ashamed of for having thoughts.

what meds are out on if you don't mind asking? i know its as simple as that but still curious....

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by confused_77

what meds are out on if you don't mind asking? i know its as simple as that but still curious....

Abilify. Latuda also worked, but made me too sleepy.