Today did not go well, advice? thoughts?

If you'd like a warning story about how a non-romantic 'friendship' with a therapist can result in long-lasting trauma, I'm happy to share mine.

You sound exactly like me.

Edit to add:
And your therapist sounds EXACTLY like my ex therapist.

Sometimes I even worry you are seeing my ex T

So you think he could still want to be friends AFTER therapy but just said no to the here and now because its not the case? That makes sense I guess. I'm scared to even have the after therapy convo now though based on how this went.

Over a year is probably where I'd still be if we didn't mutually agree to try the hug thing. I think a handshake is just fine, it's something

Again, you are thinking if its just non sexual touch, its ok. You are wanting an intimate friendship with a man so if he is married, then of course it is relevant.

I sent you a DM but ya you can if you want, it may not help but I will still read it anyway. It would be weird if I was seeing him LOL

Never thought of friendships as intimate.... more like casual... but what we have now is intimate and by that I mean the therapy relationship stuff.

Again, no not married.

This is my story.

I have no idea. I just noticed that you had this very strong reaction based on what you heard and the only way to know is to talk to him. I don't know how close you are to being done with therapy from him. If it seems like it will be a while yet; things have been going well; and you decide to continue with him - I would probably back off from the "friends" talk (and maybe fantasy) for now and just see where your therapy goes.

You said that you don't need him as a friend that you just felt like you clicked well both in and out of therapy frame. It sounds like this would be a topic to approach as it becomes closer to a possibility, unless it gets in the way of your therapy.

Great advice, I agree with you. No idea how long I'll be either but I hope I will end this year, the emotional rollercoaster of therapy is too much for me a lot of the time. It's taking so much out of me. I can't handle it too much more long term.

I'll probably bring up the touch thing again but only in the aspect of how I felt hurt and rejected and see if we can have some kind of other way to help me work with it we are both ok with

I wonder if your T caught a different tone or note about touching, and had one of those moments in which he wondered if he was doing what is best for you? I am sure he didnt mean to hurt you, but likely he didnt understand how you would feel now.

My T has a three foot rule for all his clients ( I think he has a very possessive wife). This is good with me. I cant really imagine hugging him, although I hug lots of friends etc. He is just very . . . intentional about every object in his office, where he sits etc.

That doesnt make it any easier of the feelings less strong. I feel crushed and brokenhearted sometimes when he pushes me to confide a tough secret I've kept all my life, then never checks on me and just doesnt seem to care what happens to me until the next fifty minutes.

They might care about us, but not the way we need them too- that real love is in real life, but it feels so real at times in therapy.

Ya he did say that he was proud of me for saying it, because I had it written down but opted to just say it instead and I was trembling and about to vomit. It was terrifying. I apologized at least 2x for it. He told me he understands that feeling but it still bothers me that he claims its only because its too friend like and he has done way more friend like things, today was no different.

I hate the rules of therapy and how it make you so restricted, I am in my head enough as it is but when it comes to this, I'm constantly freaking out about stuff I may say or do being wrong. I am not able to be myself completely in therapy ever because of this.... and now I am not sure I feel comfortable telling him anything beyond this.... if it has to do with him. I am sick of a life of rejection. I don't need it from him too

Do you think he meant that it's too girlfriend-like?

possibly... but honesty i think trying to set up a "Safe" way to work through it would be have been the best resolution and not just blow me off.

he said before, just weeks ago and then confirmed again today as i was saying this, that it was ok to put my arm around him, so I'm confused why he says I'm not allowed to touch him casually, isn't that basically what that is? idk, i may ask for more clarification next time.... ask if i ask before hand if we can do it once or twice because right now i am feeling so awful about even feeling these desires, there is no possible way ill ever be able to work through this if i cant even do it in my so called safe space.

My T allows hugs, but no other form of touch. It was hard at first. I felt like there must be something wrong with me. But I've learned that hugs are still touch. And I'd rather hugs than other forms of touch.

I am sorry you are hurting and think you should talk to your therapist about how dejected you are feeling. You have already gotten some good feedback and advice to think about before you make your decision.

What if your therapist had said no to the friendship right when you hinted or outright asked to be friends, would you have stayed in therapy? I know I would not have.

When I spoke to my therapist about being friends, her response was, "Right now you are in need of me as a therapist, not as a friend." Another time when I asked she said that is not a decision that could be made then. It would have to be made upon termination of our work together. Many time throughout my 18 months of therapy the possibility of friendship felt real. When I terminated therapy I did not have an answer from her, but I knew that I would be okay if the answer was no to a friendship.

I am sorry that you feel rejected regarding touch. Your therapist does allow touch (hugs), but he may have changed his mind about other forms of touch and if he did he needs/needed to have a discussion with you. It’s unfortunate he did not bring up the discussion again before you brought it up. It could just be timing. I also struggled with touch issues. Could he have possibly have meant to put your arms around him when you hug each other?

I needed to be at least 3-4 feet away from the person I was speaking with and obsessed with smelling bad. I had no idea that any therapist touched their clients in any way, shape or form. She touched me (my knee and then my arm), and I was able to ask in an email for her to do it again. I was ecstatic when she said yes. Then I started reading PC and found out touch was a thing, yet very controversial. At the time, many posts seemed to poo-poo touch. Good-bye hugs came after touch. Your therapist does need to clarify his rules about touch. Btw, my therapist forgot to get my permission before she first touched me. She does a whole consent form thingy.

Often in my therapy, I felt like we were friends, especially because we attended some of the same events in the community, the way we were raising our children, and I believed we both did not suffer fools on bended knee. The reality was, we were not friends - I was her client and she was my therapist. There was emotional work for us to do and put to the test. Meaning I needed to get off the couch and start taking part in my life; being with old friends, meeting new ones, and to work outside the house. Most online friendships can be nice to have, but in reality, we are faceless people that one cannot really connect with.

Are you the person that meets your therapist outside the office to walk at times? I may have you confused with someone else, but walk and talk therapy is a legitimate mode of doing therapy. Sometimes, when we get all this extra undivided attention our fantasies have a way of seeming as if they are real possibilities.

I know my friendship with my ex therapist would not have worked if I had terminated therapy prematurely and feeling I just can’t do therapy because it’s too much of a rollercoaster. If therapy has a premature ending and a friendship is pursued I know that is grounds to bring them before a professional board. Just my two cents.

I think the walker talker is catput?

I just want to say. My therapist blurred boundaries just like this too. He would then overcompensate by going hard line on other boundaries which was very hurtful. I eventually left him and secretly hoped we would be friends. Then I went to another therapist and processed all the ways in which he had harmed me.
Then, lo and behold he contacted me out of the blue 19 months after termination, didn't even acknowledge the fact our previous relationship had been a professional one, and tried to initiate a friendship. I felt hurt, invaded and very angry. I felt he had been grooming me all the time I was in therapy with him. When he contacted me, he was still speaking to the vulnerable me, the one who loved him and was blinded by transference. What he didn't realise is that that version of me didn't exist any more. Good therapy had seen to that. These feelings change after therapy. He's not as wonderful as you think he is. If he was he wouldn't be putting your emotional wellbeing at risk by blurring boundaries.

There is no way to take a therapy relationship that is one way intimacy, rather than reciprocal , and turn it into a casual friendship. That will never happen.Could it become a deep friendship in which the T shares all he hasn't ben allowing in the room? Not sure. The T holds the reins and the power, which already makes a friendship problematic- can they let go of that? It creates an ethical dust up at least, so is a friendship with a patient worth that? From my perspective on these matters, it is more likely if the T falls madly in love or madly in countertransference , than for a platonic friendship. Also, to echo some other posts, touch isnt a huge feature of adult friendships, beyond hugs. I guess what I hear through the lines IS some romantic feelings for your T ( which is perfectly okay). Maybe he has those feelings too, and is protecting you from them( appropriately)? Maybe he has plenty of friends etc outside of work, and values you most deeply has a patient entrusted to his watch, nd feels uneasy about the touch piece? Touch is a super-charged topic for T's.

Yes!!!!!!!! BOOM.

The person who walks and talks is jDNA.

I'm not able to comment on the other aspects of this.

This! So much this. I hate how hard this lesson was to learn.

I think a few people here walk and talk, and I agree that there's nothing wrong with that. That's very different than getting together outside of therapy.

I never said he was perfect, he is imperfect and flawed and I love that, when people can show that part of themselves. I know plenty of personal things about him to know he is flawed and none of it bothers me. He's a good guy otherwise, a great t? eh... but a good, flawed guy, yep you bet

That's kinda just it, he shared a ton about himself, anything personal I've ever asked he has told me, sometimes he just goes on and on in more detail than I expect. He has a horrible memory too so I doubt he even would remember half the things about me, he already stinks at it.

Nope, no romantic feelings, what you are missing is he is the only safe space and person I am comfortable with in my life, who else am I supposed to try and work on my touch issues with? Random strangers who give me panic attacks? No thanks. I have no interest in any romantic or sexual anything with anyone.

Ya I'm well aware of it, and being able to actually be my complete self without worrying about rules and being able to actually have support and compassion for him to like I do with others, would be amazing. I am a much better friend than client, I hate dealing with emotions.

I'm sorry, I know you won't see it, but acting unethically is not being a good guy. He's not only flawed he is knowingly unethical. He is disregarding your mental health and acting in his own interests. These are not the actions of a good person. I am only saying this to you because I have been where you are and said what you have said. I now see my ex Ts manipulation and grooming for what it was.

Anyway thanks for all the replies, I am sure I over-reacted as I tend to do with my stupid anxiety. I'm not willin to deal with another huge loss in my life over this. So we will work it out somehow.