Dear T.....I Really Need To Tell You Something (But Don't Know How) Part XXIX

I don't know that he's going to terminate--he may just want to discuss in person, in case I would misunderstand over e-mail. Still nervous though. And really hoping I can see him tomorrow (complicated by weather issues) or Thursday.

Agreed that T's of all modalities need more training on transference/attachment...

You should blast him with 3000 articles about the importance of theraputic alliance and the relationship in the here and now

Dear T,
I'm probably just to ****ing needy for you. Wish you could have realized that 4.5 months ago, when I first did my intake--or at least by the third session, when I opened up about all the MC stuff. I was very open with you about how I am, about my tendency to attach to male authority figures. I didn't pretend that I wasn't likely to attach to you, too.

If you're going to terminate, can you just rip the bandage off quickly when I see you (hopefully) tomorrow or Thursday?
LT

FWIW,
I'm ...what... 6 months in to seeing C, and I email him at least 5x a week.
Literally 9x yesterday (because, back and forth convo, but still).
So, you've got competition in the neediness contest.

Thanks, TMC! T just has pretty strong boundaries around e-mailing and stuff...which sometimes I think is good, but... Maybe he's not used to clients pushing that or wanting more? (I did say I was willing to pay for response if he wrote back.) Hope he gets back to me soon about meeting...

LT--He said he would let you know long before something became a problem if things might be headed in that direction, so I would take that to mean he's not anywhere near thinking termination, that it's more about not wanting to cause misunderstandings through email. It seems very much in keeping with how he does things.

As far as therapists not knowing how to deal with attachment, I don't think most are oriented that way in their approach, so they would be more likely to want to focus on relationships outside therapy that need to be worked on. Mine doesn't put any stock in attachment work, for example, and I think that might be more common than seems to be the case by reading what people share here on pc.

Maybe you need a relational therapist. My T is stoked to talk about the therapeutic relationship. Probably could do it all session, although I don't usually need to. She was just telling me on Monday that my intense attachment to her is totally normal and okay. Maybe it's some hardcore reverse psychology, but I feel calmer and less focused on her when she says that.

I think that's the sort of thing I need to hear. Near the end of today's session, I wanted T to reassure me that all the attachment stuff was OK. He didn't. I suppose I could have asked for that... If I could know it's OK, that he's not freaked out by it, then I would feel much safer. I just get the sense he's kinda freaked out....or at the very least, uncertain as to how to deal with it. I mean, maybe when I see him, he'll say otherwise? I'm just trying to brace myself for the worst...

Maybe I should try to look for that sort of therapist that you see--even if it is a woman. Maybe if it's a woman who isn't my mother's age, I wouldn't have the negative maternal transference issues I did with ex-T...

Thanks, RR. It's just in the e-mail, I came right out and asked him if he felt comfortable doing this. How if not, I'd rather know now than 6 months down the line when I'm more attached... I just hope it's that he wants to talk about it in person and will say he can handle it--and that he wants to keep working with me.

You're probably right that most T's aren't trained to deal with attachment. I just wish that T, if he'd felt at all uncomfortable with this, had expressed it to me in one of our first sessions. Now I've built up some trust in him. I want this therapeutic relationship to work (which I said in the e-mail, too)--but I also don't want to get crushed if I get more attached and he doesn't know how to deal with it and totally screws things up.

Ugh, wish he'd reply to my e-mail about seeing him tomorrow or Thursday, even though I know he's likely dealing with his kid and/or sick wife (and/or may have picked up his wife's illness himself...)

I mostly just lurk, LT, so I totally think you should take what I’m saying with a grain of salt, but you might consider someone with analytic training. Likely they will be able to maintain better boundaries (which will help you feel safer), AND you’ll get to actually work through the ways you repeat your past in the present. Not just intellectually, but from the here and now, all feelings attached manner of psychoanalytic psychotherapy. It will probably be really hard and really painful and really intense but probably you are open enough and strong enough to do that kind of work. Analytically trained therapists have to undergo their own high intensity treatment, and from what I’ve read and experienced, seem to be more up for the task of working through strong transference v

I just had a long conversation with my therapist about attachment of clients to therapists in general. We were talking about that Ballad to T thing that's been going around. She said that she thought it was "sweet." I asked her how often it came up with her. I figured that she'd say it came up a lot. But she said that she thinks it happens, but that clients almost never bring it up. She's been practicing a lot of years, but she says she's only had the conversation a couple of times. She says that she suspects that more clients feel that way, but that they never get up the courage to say anything.

I'm glad you are still nice and fun but It's still so hard to accept the reality of never....sigh...

OK, T...see you at 3 tomorrow....please be kind, whatever it is...

T - my last post was total bogus. I need to be done.

No matter how much I read about those who take pleasure in hurting others, I just don't understand it. It's even worse when a therapist likes it. How I'm surviving I'll never know.

wassup i'm replacing you with alcohol,,,,cant wait to see youagain in august and have u be disppointed in me

I say I love you to my T very frequently. She has been great with it. She has never told me that she loves me. She has told me that she cares about me. I/we have worked out what type of response I need from her in this situation which is not to hear I love you back.

With the history with your T, I'd be careful on how to approach saying I love you to him. It seems that you receive inconsistent messages when you do/say something super vulnerable. How would you like him to respond?

Hi Dr. S,

Things seem to finally be quieting for me in my head. I still wish I saw you today and was seeing you tomorrow. 2 sleeps. We still need to have that meltdown/tantrum. I know this because I have been letting it leak out over my friendships. "You're leaving me". I know it's just a long weekend conference. I know you've offered a video visit. The 'you're leaving me' feeling just won't go away. I need help staying open to it and you. How?

love,
me

If I may offer an opinion? Does his actions show platonic love?

My T hasn't ever said "I love you", and she also resists saying explicitly warm things like "I care about you". I've been the one asking her if she loves me according to my stated definition of love. Even though the words "I love you" has never been said by her, her actions fit all of my stated definition.

I do get the strong wishes to hear the words though! I would really like T to say the words. If she ever said it, I'd want her to say it again and again and again.

My parents, if they say the words, say the words "love you" mechanically with no feeling. And their actions definitely don't show love. While T's actions do.

He said it, and I keep replaying it in my head I'm sure he'll never say it again. It seems he didn't like that I've posted here about it. He was like: "Huh, you posted something about me saying "I love you"?". He didn't look angry, I'd say "surprised" and "confused". This confirmed that he actually regrets saying it...

Yes, his actions definitely show platonic love. He also uses the words "like", "attachment", "sympathy", "care". But not "love".

Apparently it's not. My t has a PhD and is trained in schema therapy.

The schema therapy clinician books write quite a bit about
- how crucial attachment is
- how transference can occur, including erotic transference, and how to handle it (I should quote that section on erotic transference to T!!!)
- that patients might get attached
- that schema therapy seeks to establish a "secure attachment"
- that some patients see the therapist as a substitute parent and never truly terminate because they want to periodically update T
- and because of my previous point ^^^^, termination should be gradual and some contact allowed after therapy ends

And T STILL said she felt uncomfortable...because apparently she's only ever had one other patient get so attached...and apparently few clients have such transference...(she admitted she's uncomfortable after I pushed her about how she KEPT deflecting "oh it's transference..." and KEPT thinking its romantic/erotic even though I effing TOLD HER multiple times its mostly platonic...)

Didn't he say he doesn't know much about transference?

Mine is the same, relational psychotherapy

Lt, come see my t and take the focus off me and my insane attachment lol. [Joke]

Stay safe