[alpacalicious]

Seriously I thought I was doing a good job forgetting him, I went out with a guy, I tried to keep myself busy. Now I've been thinking about him these past days and I have fantasies where I text him or I send him a text saying that I want to kill myself. He's the therapist that hurted me, I had a strong obsession towards him and the last session he told me I'll call the police if you don't leave. But then when I was in the hospital I texted him and he said that I need to think about my well being and that we could talk after my dismission from that hospital. I want to text him so I can hear from him and it's not the best thing to do but I want to do it. Why do I keep going after people that hurted me? It's like I'm feeling abandoned by him, I felt abandoned. I keep thinking that I made mistakes, I was a bit shy with him during sessions and wasnt really that open. Maybe if I were more open, maybe if I talked more..maybe he got tired of me. But he's the therapist, he's the one that has to put the client at ease or to be patient with the client!
I just cant forget him, when I listen to a certain song I remember him, when I see something connected to him I remember him, I keep replaying scenes in my mind and I wish I could go back in time to that last session and maybe acting differently. I want to know why he did the things he did.

[alpacalicious]

I think that I'll write him and I'm taking responsability for my actions. I dont care he left me in pain and I'm suicidal again because of him. I feel like things happened because of me and not him. In reality all of this is not my fault and I need to keep this in mind!
But I dont want to hate him, I feel like our relationship is not ended or maybe I dont' want it to end and I keep making excuses. This morning I fantasised about returning to him as a client! I dont know how to stop this, I think maybe if I hear something from him even a text, I will feel better.

[kecanoe]

I hope that it helps. It's is hard to know what will help when a relationship of any kind ends badly.

I remember your story... It is definitely a good idea to take responsibility for your actions, and to express it if he is a decent person. But please be careful not to turn it into taking his wrongdoing on yourself also just to be able to reconnect and find out more. I know it can be hard to see where one ends and the other begins, but if I can say only one thing: think twice, three times, and more, before you decide to get back into communicating with him and especially seeing him again. I did that with a very ***ed up, self absorbed T, and nothing good came of it in my case, except prolonging a useless obsession.

[here today]

I don't know if this will help or not, but maybe one of the things that I got out of years and years of therapy -- and doing my own research -- is that avoiding feeling the hatred is not necessarily such a good idea, either. Yes, you don't want to give in and act on it, necessarily. And it feels really, really horrible to hate someone. But hate, as they say is just a feeling. It has a purpose. It tells me something about how the other person affected me.

In your OP you wrote:

Why do I keep going after people that hurted me? It's like I'm feeling abandoned by him, I felt abandoned.

After lots and lots of therapy and lots and lots of years, I can say that I was hurt by my family of origin and yet I loved them, too, and so shut down, denied, whatever you want to call it, the "hate" that I had for them, too, because of them hurting me. Sucks, yeah? So then there was lots and lots about my relationships with them, and relationships in general, that I didn't know or understand or deal with well.

I don't know anything about your family, I don't remember you writing anything about them, so I can't make any presumptions. But IF people in your family hurt you, too, then it's possible that started a pattern of continuing to seek out people who have hurt and abandoned you. Because as a little person they were the only ones you could look to for help, in spite of the fact that they hurt you, too. At least that was true for me.

Finding help and support on PC is a pretty safe way to look for it, I've found. Not as good in some ways as a person "in real life" that you can see. But I've found a lot of kind, unhurtful humanity in the people who post on these forums, and maybe you will, too? And even if someone says something that strikes me as hurtful, it's a lot easier to process, just being text.

Perhaps you don't have to forget. No crime in rembering someone.

[mostlylurking]

I would second what here today wrote, I think some things could be going on here that echo back to how things were in your family growing up. I know you had really strong transference for this T, at least partly a paternal transference I think.

Trying to take all the blame on yourself, even when you had a T who clearly did some unprofessional things, also seems like an echo back to how a child might feel when they've been mistreated by adults. Children usually take the blame all on themselves and think if the adult was mistreating them then they must be a particularly bad child. I think that could conceivably be part of what's going on for you now.

There is also a desire to force a familiar story -- of being mistreated by someone paternal -- to go a different way this time. I think that can sometimes feel almost irresistible -- to try one more time, to make it come out differently.

I don't think highly of your previous T though. A therapist should never put their hands on a client in a physically aggressive way like that. It sounds like he wanted to make you sign a contract and if you wouldn't then he had no interest in even pretending to be kind. It makes me wonder if he is a naturally compassionate person-- it doesn't sound like it really.

Your feelings about having found gentler people recently -- I think those were good instincts. Are there other gentle people in your life -- a friend? an aunt? your current T? -- that you could try to see a bit more of?

[alpacalicious]

Thanks for all the kind answers! I decided not to text him at least not now. It's true that I had emotionally unavailable people in my family especially my father and I think that's the reason that I'm like this now and want to go after this T. I have a new T now in the public service and I'll see her this friday.
I think my previous T was messed up...not only he threatened me, he wanted to call the police only because I said "I don't want to leave because I want explanations for your behaviour". And I was calm, I didn't shout, I waited for him to speak and I kept telling him I wanted an explanation. He didn't give me one. As you said, there are a lot of red flags here, and even physical aggression. I could report him but no one will believe me since I don't have proofs, and he's too skilled, he'll say that I was the crazy one. I don't know why he used force with me, maybe he thought "ok, she wants to end with me so she's not a client anymore, I can treat her how I want". But this is a huge sign of disrespect and shows he's not compassionate at all!

He knew I had problems, mental health issues, I had problems with my father, I told him that I suspected of having BPD...and still he treated me like that? I didn't suffer badly from his actions, like I don't feel traumatized now...but what if I was too fragile and retraumatized? He acted in an irresponsible way, without considering the consequences of his behaviour. I know now that it wasn't my fault, I'm not the one in fault here because I was a client! He was supposed to help me that's what therapists do! He did none of these things, so why I should pay him? Does he deserve money after this behaviour? It's true that in the previous sessions he gave me his time, but I don't pay a T only for the time. A good therapy needs to have quality.

[alpacalicious]

And what do you think about me sending him this thread? I could send him this thread so he knows that his behaviour hurted me...idk. It's just an excuse to get in contact with him....
Or maybe I'll just write and vent here...because I need to vent. I feel like my heart is bleeding only because of the mistakes of a ****in person. It's incredible how much a person can hurt you with a few words....

[here today]

I recommend venting here. It has helped me process what happened with a T who hurt me.

If he knows his behavior hurt you, then what? I think my last T did, to a certain extent, but didn't have the capacity, or desire, to remedy the situation. Getting in contact with someone like that. . .what's the benefit to you? Contact with people here, even though it's just anonymous people from all over the world, feels better to me than that.

It IS incredible how much a person can hurt you with just a few words -- but, as I mentioned, it hurt me so much BECAUSE I had unresolved hurts from my family and had never found a place with people who I could trust and be myself with. And didn't know how to get over hurts. I'm doing some better about that now.

[alpacalicious]

I keep thinking that I should text him for clarifications or for whatever reason. But then I keep thinking that he hurted me and doesnt deserve my money. But at the same time I feel like we can't end here and that I need to text him. But what I'll write to him? I want to pay you? Sounds too naive. I'll wait and I'll speak with my new therapist. I want to tell her what happened and then I'll ask her. I feel like I shouldn't obsess over this and simply forget but I just can't forget. It's true that what happened hurted me because I had unresolved hurts from my family. That's why I'm so in pain. I don't know why I wasn't in so much pain after the event. I felt detached, and forgot things. Now it's like everything is coming back.

[alpacalicious]

A little update, I texted him this morning saying "you need to say i'm sorry to me for what you've done to me one day". I don't know I wanted to send this text, I don't know if I've made a mistake. But I wanted to show him that I'm not forgetting about his action. I could report him. But I don't want to ruin his life. Today I feel hurt, I don't know why I'm feeling like this only now and not before! I guess before I was trying to supress my feelings and now that I'm feeling them they are stronger...If he doesn't reply he's a coward and it shows that he doesnt want to confront with me. I could call him tho...we'll see if he'll answer my text. He said in the hospital something like "we can hear from each other when you are dismissed". Like he replied quickly to my text.
Maybe I don't have to forget him. I'm allowed to feel hurted and all other emotions. I'll talk about this to my new T this friday since I feel low because of this.
I feel so tired and low today...he isn't replying to my text. I'll wait until afternoon. I want to call him at this point, I don't know if I'll solve something. The fact is I don't like phone calls at all it's my weak point or something...I feel like a burden to everyone, I'm not even able to call him because I'm afraid I'll feel too embarassed to even talk properly. I realized I felt anxiety with this therapist, I wasn't really able to talk during sessions and now I think it's my fault. Maybe if I talked more this would have never happened? But he's the therapist, he's supposed to be patient with clients that talk less right? I don't think a good therapist discard a client only because they are not that open. I'll discuss this with my new therapist. I want to hear from someone that it wasn't my fault. I also feel weak that I keep thinking about him and wanting to hear from him. Am I too weak, or naive? I'm defiitely a naive person, I always try to see the good in everyone even if they commit negative things, I always hope for the best and think that good things will always happen.

[here today]

Originally Posted by alpacalicious

A little update, I texted him this morning saying "you need to say i'm sorry to me for what you've done to me one day". I don't know I wanted to send this text, I don't know if I've made a mistake. But I wanted to show him that I'm not forgetting about his action. I could report him. But I don't want to ruin his life. Today I feel hurt, I don't know why I'm feeling like this only now and not before! I guess before I was trying to supress my feelings and now that I'm feeling them they are stronger...If he doesn't reply he's a coward and it shows that he doesnt want to confront with me. I could call him tho...we'll see if he'll answer my text. He said in the hospital something like "we can hear from each other when you are dismissed". Like he replied quickly to my text.
Maybe I don't have to forget him. I'm allowed to feel hurted and all other emotions. I'll talk about this to my new T this friday since I feel low because of this.
I feel so tired and low today...he isn't replying to my text. I'll wait until afternoon. I want to call him at this point, I don't know if I'll solve something. The fact is I don't like phone calls at all it's my weak point or something...I feel like a burden to everyone, I'm not even able to call him because I'm afraid I'll feel too embarassed to even talk properly. I realized I felt anxiety with this therapist, I wasn't really able to talk during sessions and now I think it's my fault. Maybe if I talked more this would have never happened? But he's the therapist, he's supposed to be patient with clients that talk less right? I don't think a good therapist discard a client only because they are not that open. I'll discuss this with my new therapist. I want to hear from someone that it wasn't my fault. I also feel weak that I keep thinking about him and wanting to hear from him. Am I too weak, or naive? I'm defiitely a naive person, I always try to see the good in everyone even if they commit negative things, I always hope for the best and think that good things will always happen.

I'm glad you've got a new T.

What you texted your ex-T was valid. And, if you listen to yourself and what you wrote in that text, whether he responds and agrees or not -- then you can hear from yourself that it wasn't your fault. I agree with you about what good T's should do. The problem, from my perspective, is that there are not that many good ones out there. Oh, well. Hope your new T is better. If not, maybe you can vent and get some perspective from this forum about that one, too. Little by little, things can get better. They have for me.

[maybeblue]

Originally Posted by alpacalicious

A little update, I texted him this morning saying "you need to say i'm sorry to me for what you've done to me one day". I don't know I wanted to send this text, I don't know if I've made a mistake. But I wanted to show him that I'm not forgetting about his action. I could report him. But I don't want to ruin his life. Today I feel hurt, I don't know why I'm feeling like this only now and not before! I guess before I was trying to supress my feelings and now that I'm feeling them they are stronger...If he doesn't reply he's a coward and it shows that he doesnt want to confront with me. I could call him tho...we'll see if he'll answer my text. He said in the hospital something like "we can hear from each other when you are dismissed". Like he replied quickly to my text.
Maybe I don't have to forget him. I'm allowed to feel hurted and all other emotions. I'll talk about this to my new T this friday since I feel low because of this.
I feel so tired and low today...he isn't replying to my text. I'll wait until afternoon. I want to call him at this point, I don't know if I'll solve something. The fact is I don't like phone calls at all it's my weak point or something...I feel like a burden to everyone, I'm not even able to call him because I'm afraid I'll feel too embarassed to even talk properly. I realized I felt anxiety with this therapist, I wasn't really able to talk during sessions and now I think it's my fault. Maybe if I talked more this would have never happened? But he's the therapist, he's supposed to be patient with clients that talk less right? I don't think a good therapist discard a client only because they are not that open. I'll discuss this with my new therapist. I want to hear from someone that it wasn't my fault. I also feel weak that I keep thinking about him and wanting to hear from him. Am I too weak, or naive? I'm defiitely a naive person, I always try to see the good in everyone even if they commit negative things, I always hope for the best and think that good things will always happen.

I think that maybe before you try to contact him again you might think what you want to happen from that contact. Do you want him to apologize? Would that fix things? Do you just want him to understand how you are feeling? Or do you just want to get the feelings out?

I have a horrible time talking on the phone too. It's hard because you can't see the person's reactions. I'm also shy and sometimes have problems talking in person too...particularly if I'm feeling emotional.

What has helped me, and might help you too is to write it all out...write a letter to him--not a text because those are so limiting--but a real letter. Explain what he did and what you did and what you felt about it all. But then you might not send it to him, at least not yet. Wait a day maybe and see if you still feel all those emotions. You could post it here if you wanted, and you could certainly take it to your new therapist. Be as angry as you need to be in that letter because you aren't sending it yet.

Eventually you might actually want to send him a letter. But depending on what you want, you might word it more carefully. People tend to become defensive when they feel like someone is "yelling" at them. A therapist *should* be able to handle that, but sometimes they can't. His response isn't your fault or responsibility, but you might be more likely to get him to understand if you focus on *your* feelings of hurt more than anger.

And be careful that you don't say anything that a reasonable person could interpret as a threat. The reason I say this is that he already threatened to call the police on you, right? I don't think he should have. Nothing you describe sounded threatening. So that makes me think that he might have a tendency to interpret things badly.

Sorry this is so long. I just really feel for you. I hate relationship problems.

[alpacalicious]

He never replied to my text. I took a decision, this friday after therapy I'm going to call him. I don't know if I'll take one drink or two before to gain some courage. I wrote some things I want to say to him on a piece of paper. I don't want to vent, I'll ask him to say I'm sorry, I only want this from him nothing more. I want to say to him that I made mistakes too, that I'm not able to hate him. I just want to end this relationship in a calm way.
I already feel anxious when I think about making the call but I feel like I need to do this and confront him. If he keeps saying that I'm crazy and nothing happened, I'll try to take his side, maybe saying "yeah even if I'm crazy and this is all unreal, say sorry". Because I don't want to yell or be disrespectful. I feel like by doing this then I could easily go over this. while if I don't call him and we don't clarify things, I'll always feel like our relationship is still open.

[maybeblue]

Originally Posted by alpacalicious

He never replied to my text. I took a decision, this friday after therapy I'm going to call him. I don't know if I'll take one drink or two before to gain some courage. I wrote some things I want to say to him on a piece of paper. I don't want to vent, I'll ask him to say I'm sorry, I only want this from him nothing more. I want to say to him that I made mistakes too, that I'm not able to hate him. I just want to end this relationship in a calm way.
I already feel anxious when I think about making the call but I feel like I need to do this and confront him. If he keeps saying that I'm crazy and nothing happened, I'll try to take his side, maybe saying "yeah even if I'm crazy and this is all unreal, say sorry". Because I don't want to yell or be disrespectful. I feel like by doing this then I could easily go over this. while if I don't call him and we don't clarify things, I'll always feel like our relationship is still open.

That makes sense. I know it's going to be hard. He should be able to handle it without getting angry or defensive. But if he doesn't, and if he won't apologize it isn't your fault. As long as you are aren't screaming and threatening then you have every right to express this to him. Let us know how it goes. We care about you.

[alpacalicious]

I called him this morning like 1 hour ago. It didn't go well. I was expecting something else maybe? Anyway, I took a drink to gain some courage I called him, he didn't reply at first. He then called me back (he doesn't have my new number so he didn't know it was me). I said do you have time, I need to talk to you. He said "last time you didnt pay me what are your intentions?". Last time he grabbed me by the wrists. I said that I had problems with transference and part of me wants to continue therapy. He discarded what I said and told me "No, what about the money". I told him "I dont want to pay you, you need to apologize". He then said "ok, we are finished here" and ended the call abruptly! I then sent him a few texts, I told him "if I pay you, will you say sorry". He sent me a text saying "you can come here but only with your parents and only with your psychiatrist's consent". He basically treated me like i was the crazy one. At that point i texted him this: "I don't want to go to your study at this point. At this point it seems like you don't intend to apologize to me. You can't treat a patient like this tho. I won't give you the money. I'm sorry for what happened. Have a good life".

That's it. He discarded me and ended the call like that. His tone of voice was paternal, like he was talking to a crazy person (me). At this point he doesnt deserve my money. Even if I go to him with my parents...for what? He'll humiliate me and treat me like I'm crazy.

I feel guilty about not paying him tho. But I think a good therapist won't handle things like this. I imagine a good therapist, if a client doesn't pay them, he'll find a way to talk to them in a calm way, maybe they'll ask "why you don't want to pay me?". But ending a call so abruplty? He didnt give me time to explain things. At this point it's better to lose him. What do you think about me not paying him? Is this the right thing to do? He abused me basically. So I think he doesn't deserve my money.

[here today]

Originally Posted by alpacalicious

. . . He abused me basically. So I think he doesn't deserve my money.

You tried again, and now you know. This is about him, not you.

What IS about you is that it seems so hard for you to be able to accept this about him, that you may not want it to be true, that you keep trying to think of ways that his responses are YOUR fault, that's there is something that you can do to change the situation, to change him and the way he responds to things.

For what it is worth, this is a common response pattern in people who come from "dysfunctional families". I have had it, too.

Friday isn't so far away. I hope that your new T can help you some with this. We are here, too.

[alpacalicious]

Yes, I was naive and thought I could change him. But all of this is because of him, not me. But I can choose how to react to this situation. It can be a lesson and it teached me some things about myself. It teached me that I can become way too attached because I never received love in my life, and I search for someone to love me, that I can be too clingy, too stubborn, that I want to change bad negative people tha abused me. His behaviour was abusive and wasn't right. At least I had some knowledge about abuse tactics (like gasligthing) so I instantly knew when it happened!