[DP_2017]

So some of you know that my T and I were close, or so It seemed.... he did a lot of questionable things and was super friend like to me....more so than typical T's should be.

Anyway I stupidly decided to ask about the possibility of friendship to some degree after T ends one day, now in my note I was clear about meaning just an occasional meet up for lunch or a walk, or keeping in touch via email etc. Nothing drastic.

He was not upset by it, but he rejected me, completely. He went from being mr casual for months to throwing rules and ethics at me. Telling me some day "it all has to end, all of it" and that T's are not supposed to tell clients about themselves so he doesn't but the problem is, he did and often.... a lot of personal stuff.

He tried to tell me I could find someone else out there who could replace him in my life, no, not easy for someone like me who can barely speak to people. He told me it was silly to want to be friends when I don't like driving and he lives far away, he tried to tell me that all the people online Ive ever read about who are friends with their former T's could be in trouble if he knew who they were etc...

Just last week he told me he would not change boundaries on me ever and then today was saying it all ends... I feel betrayed, even though I knew he would never agree to it, because hello, its me, nothing good happens to me, I didn't think he would play it off so casual like he was doing everything right.

I don't know if I can trust him anymore. I don't know if I can even look at him. How can I ever trust anyone else going forward? When he of all people, hurt me more than anyone has?

What do I do now? I feel suicidal honestly...I am trying to think of reasons to live and my dog is the only one I have.

How can he claim to care but then act so cold? Is it all fake? All an act? What on earth is the point of therapy when it's only causing me more pain than I ever had before?

I am not sure what to do anymore. Part of me wants to tell him off and never go back but then the other part of me, reminds me I always quit things when I get scared or it gets hard, so maybe I should try to stick it out.

Not sure what else to say here, I just wanna go to bed and cry..... and wonder why I was so stupid to believe he actually liked me and could potentially see me as a friend someday? When will I ever learn....

[growlycat]

I am so sorry this happened to you. I don’t know if this helps but he must care about you very very much to freak out on boundary issues. Maybe he scared himself at how casual he has been with you. My first instinct is that he has feelings for you but is not managing them well Maybe he doesn’t trust himself to stay professional. He is not handling this well and I hope he seeks supervision

It would hurt me too to hear those words. Who knows I might be heading towards a boundary crackdown myself. If there is anything pc people can do just reach out.

[atisketatasket]

I don't know if you want to stay with him, but if he's helped you and you do want to stay, I would suggest focusing on the moment, on whatever you're working on right then in therapy. Termination is who knows how far away. A lot of things have to happen between now and then. So try not to think about what happens then if you can. Just work on improving your life now.

If you don't want to stay...I think you said in your last thread you wouldn't try therapy again? Is that still true, or might it change after a bit of a break? I would totally understand not wanting to stay and not wanting to try again both.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by growlycat

I am so sorry this happened to you. I don’t know if this helps but he must care about you very very much to freak out on boundary issues. Maybe he scared himself at how casual he has been with you. My first instinct is that he has feelings for you but is not managing them well Maybe he doesn’t trust himself to stay professional. He is not handling this well and I hope he seeks supervision

It would hurt me too to hear those words. Who knows I might be heading towards a boundary crackdown myself. If there is anything pc people can do just reach out.

He claims he does not have supervision about stuff with clients...but I hardly believe a word of his anymore. I am wonder how much stuff he has lied about or made up to me. He still has every intention of staying the same, for now, was super funny and chummy in session and still wants to text with me which we do every week but I just don't know. All I see is lies now. Fake fake fake.

And for the other poster...as I just saw your post... no interest in therapy again ever and if many years from now I did, I'd pick a woman because I can't connect to them and I would not be stuck in this attachment hell

[LonesomeTonight]

Hugs, I'm so sorry...

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by growlycat

I am so sorry this happened to you. I don’t know if this helps but he must care about you very very much to freak out on boundary issues. Maybe he scared himself at how casual he has been with you. My first instinct is that he has feelings for you but is not managing them well Maybe he doesn’t trust himself to stay professional. He is not handling this well and I hope he seeks supervision .

I'm thinking something like this, too. It reminds me a bit of how my marriage counselor got all "BOUNDARIES" with me recently. Like maybe he suddenly realized how relaxed he'd been with them and was like, "Oh, ****." I feel like it's a recurring pattern that people mention on here, where a T gets too close, too relaxed, then suddenly realizes it and way overcorrects in the opposite direction (my ex-T basically admitted to doing that with me--getting too close then needing to pull back). So...I know this probably isn't going to help, but please try to consider that this is about him, not you.

[growlycat]

Before you decide to leave therapy (or not?) it might serve you well to let him have it verbally. That you feel Like his friendliness might have been fake all along. That you can’t trust what he says. He needs to know this is a serious rupture and he needs to hop to it on the “repair” part before he loses you. Maybe he will step up to the plate and come through. Are you able to contact him between sessions? If so you could even tell him you are thinking about quitting and you are holding on by a thread. I’m all for blasting these guys when they screw up. The good ones will make it right and not ignore your pain.

[growlycat]

Btw LT I like what you said about “overcorrecting”.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by growlycat

Before you decide to leave therapy (or not?) it might serve you well to let him have it verbally. That you feel Like his friendliness might have been fake all along. That you can’t trust what he says. He needs to know this is a serious rupture and he needs to hop to it on the “repair” part before he loses you. Maybe he will step up to the plate and come through. Are you able to contact him between sessions? If so you could even tell him you are thinking about quitting and you are holding on by a thread. I’m all for blasting these guys when they screw up. The good ones will make it right and not ignore your pain.

I am allowed to contact yes, he says the emails etc wont end abruptly, we would discuss it in advance first. I was quiet most of the session because I just wanted to bolt or cry.

I feel like saying I am ready to quit, he would just say, well thats your choice because he said that before. That he isn't gonna push anyone to stay. Plus he is getting a bunch of new clients so I'll be forgotten soon anyway.

I don't even know what to really say to him, anything I say will just be thrown back at me with some rule or something. I even said I can't be friends with who I want to be and he is like, yes you can, no one is stopping you but you, umm yes you are and whomever makes the rules for this crap.

I give up on people. I can't put myself though this anymore, too many jerks have made me think I matter and then pulled the rug out from under me. I'm not worth it to anyone. Anyway, I am gonna try to write up something. I thought about asking if I can go back this week for another session but I think he will say no

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by growlycat

Before you decide to leave therapy (or not?) it might serve you well to let him have it verbally. That you feel Like his friendliness might have been fake all along. That you can’t trust what he says. He needs to know this is a serious rupture and he needs to hop to it on the “repair” part before he loses you. Maybe he will step up to the plate and come through. Are you able to contact him between sessions? If so you could even tell him you are thinking about quitting and you are holding on by a thread. I’m all for blasting these guys when they screw up. The good ones will make it right and not ignore your pain.

I agree with this, too. And it could possibly take more than one e-mail or one session, too. At this point at least (we'll see after Monday's session), I'm glad I stuck through it with MC after the awful, painful phone call, a rough session, a better one, then another painful session, then a long phone call where he really seemed to listen. We don't plan on continuing long-term with him (working on termination), but at least I feel better about the ending now. Before, I was afraid it would taint the entire relationship, like I'd see him as someone who hurt me and forget any of the good stuff that went in there. But talking about it with him until he really seemed to get what was bothering me and take some responsibility for it--that helped. And really, just standing up for myself against him instead of slinking away and blaming myself helped, too.

So if nothing else, it could help if you tell him how upset this has all made you and how it's made you question your whole relationship.

[growlycat]

You do matter!!!

I know what you mean about therapists who say quitting is “your choice” blah blah. I had a t like that but when I called his bluff and quit, his tone softened with me and he followed up with a call saying that he does care and let’s work it out. If your t always takes the hard line, doesn’t follow up to see if you are ok, he may not be right for you. Hell I don’t know who those types are good for.

You deserve good treatment. You don’t have to do anything in the moment. Just don’t hurt yourself over someone else’s jerky behavior.

[maybeblue]

I'm really sorry. Therapy and attachment is so hard. It really hurts, doesn't it? I kind of hope you don't quit though. Of course you are the one that has to make the decision, but maybe don't make it right now when you are so hurt and angry.

[DP_2017]

I wrote out my feelings but unlikely Ill share it with him. I'm gonna try and see if I can get in again Fri,even though we are supposed to be at once a week. I just need to try and fix things cuz the trust is fading quickly on my end... and potentially just tell him goodbye.

I wanted to work with him through my phobias at least but I can't if the trust is dead. Nothing worse than someone who made you feel so good about yourself, has you contemplating calling the suicide hotline...

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

I wrote out my feelings but unlikely Ill share it with him. I'm gonna try and see if I can get in again Fri,even though we are supposed to be at once a week. I just need to try and fix things cuz the trust is fading quickly on my end... and potentially just tell him goodbye.

I wanted to work with him through my phobias at least but I can't if the trust is dead. Nothing worse than someone who made you feel so good about yourself, has you contemplating calling the suicide hotline...

Hugs...been there (re: contemplating hotline as a result of a T--well, MC). Stay safe...

[DP_2017]

How does this get any better? How can you stop this pain and these moronic feelings for someone who doesn't care about you once you walk out their door? I wish I had been warned before, I'd never have gone to begin with. I can't even sleep. Worst night ever.... yet I can't hate him, stupid me is sitting here missing him. Forgetting he is probably fast asleep and has not thought of me once since I left.

[Amyjay]

I suspect he does like and care about you. Ts are not heartless. They do this work because they genuinely like and care about people.
That is separate from this next bit. The purpose of your work together is not to be friends at the end of it all. That confuses the work that you do together. Liking you and caring about you are different issues to be changing your therapeutic relationship to a different one.
Its okay to like and trust him. It s okay for him to reaffirm the therapeutic boundaries and to like and care about you within those boundaries. You are not seeing him to find a friend no matter how connected and compatible you might be with each other. You are seeing him for therapeutic work. It is important work. And it is so good to be able to do it with someone you genuinely like.

[stopdog]

sorry this happened. those people are detached. some may care and some may not but clients are just someone who hired them to sit there. it will probably take time to feel better. i think time is the most likely thing that helps in almost all situations.

Painful. I don't know your therapy story. As to whether the guy has led you along. Or friendliness has mistaken for more.
It's possible to be cared about and still refuse friendship. Especially in this situation.
If his inconsistent then not much point continuing with him.
If it's, transference, then this is just part of the work.
As I say. I've only read your words. Transference can blur our reality.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by Mouse_62

Painful. I don't know your therapy story. As to whether the guy has led you along. Or friendliness has mistaken for more.
It's possible to be cared about and still refuse friendship. Especially in this situation.
If his inconsistent then not much point continuing with him.
If it's, transference, then this is just part of the work.
As I say. I've only read your words. Transference can blur our reality.

For sure lead me along, many people who I've told things to have said he has crossed boundaries and been unethical. Heck, after all this crap he still wants to casually text with me

I don't know how to not go anymore, how do you just stop when its the only support you really have and you spent months building trust? Although to be fair, that's gone downhill now. Not sure how much I can trust anymore. Still unsure what to do from here but I know I've had 1 hour of sleep so far and that's it. Gonna be super fun for work in the am

Originally Posted by DP_2017

For sure lead me along, many people who I've told things to have said he has crossed boundaries and been unethical. Heck, after all this crap he still wants to casually text with me

I don't know how to not go anymore, how do you just stop when its the only support you really have and you spent months building trust? Although to be fair, that's gone downhill now. Not sure how much I can trust anymore. Still unsure what to do from here but I know I've had 1 hour of sleep so far and that's it. Gonna be super fun for work in the am

I guess it depends on the stance you want to take.
You're not powerless. But you seem to be sitting that dynamic.
Report the guy. Leave the guy. Your choice.

[Anastasia~]

DP-
I am so sorry this happened to you. I know abandonment pain is excruciating. Try to distract as best as you can. Do whatever you like to do that helps you become absorbed in something else. I wish I had really good advice to give you, but the only thing I can say is try to tolerate this affect the best that you can at the moment and realize that you're not going to feel like this for a long time. I was terminated years ago and I know how terrifying being in this state can be. You are not alone, I am so glad you are posting about this. Please take care. You matter and your feelings matter.

[Longingforhome]

Dear DP
I don’t know what it is with therapists who do this. But they do it, and it is mostly nothing to do with us. I’m so sorry, but all I can think is: it’s over. It’s more about him covering his bit and trying to obfuscate at this point, and not about you at all d

[SalingerEsme]

Your T has acted cruelly, by not understanding deeply your worldview and considering it from day one.

Therapy relationship is completely unnatural and oddly unique. Mine calls it "artificial ", an"as if " relationship for rehearsing / deconstructing issue to bring back wisdom for real relationships. We act "as if" we are confidantes, we are lovers, we are friends, we are parent/ child, but in realty we are none of those things

We are patients paying doctors for treating an illness.

In their minds, steeped in their culture ( from another planet !!!!), it is no more reasonable to be friends with your T than your dentist or cardiologist.

They have friends, wives, kids, parents, family old college roommates- whatever.

They see us wanting to be friends as wanting to be "special", and refusing to gratify wishes to be special is a bedrock concept. ( which I resent). They have ethics saying they can't be friends with us.

I remember as a young teacher, being invited to graduation parties thrown by some of my favorite families. The school policy was for faculty not to attend, bc there could be underaged drinking. I obeyed that rule, even though I wanted to be part of the festivities and truly loved many of the families. Some of the kids stayed in touch and I went to their weddings etc. However, other teachers broke the rules and went to these parties and got in different kinds of trouble.

I see T's who pull back boundaries like that. They long to go to the party and really care, but they remember the cost and the rules.

The problem is how is is a tussle of conscience for them, but it utterly breaks there heart of the client, who has so so soooooooooo much more skin in the game.

Therapy casts a spell in order to work; these issues break the spell and show the disparity between how much the client invests v the therapist.

Thew therapist invests in his career, his skills, private practice as a business if that applies, and overall( hopefully ) cares about people. The client focuses n this one being, showing their deepest selves. Yeah, not fair!

I think T's obsess in the Wizard of Oz bc they know they hurt us badly when we see them behind the curtain. We see, but then we get amnesia, and fall into the trance again.

[Lemoncake]

I'm sorry you've been hurt and are struggling so much right now. Please try to take care of yourself right now.

[DP_2017]

Thanks everyone. As of now still unsure what to do. I am thinking I may try to go a second time this week if he allows it,he has me back on weekly so I dont know, and then just get the rest of my thoughts and such out there, I barely spoke in session. Was in too much shock

I need to see if there is any reason to continue, is he willing to actually work with me on my phobias and CBT or just keep BSing with me? All I know is I can't end it like this, if it has to end, I want it on a bit better terms.

I wish I knew how to hate him, loathe him and stop all these pointless silly feelings. There has to be a way so I'll keep trying. I know he doesn't like me and I don't matter. I am just another paycheck and Its gonna be sooooooooo hard to trust him now.. but we will see.