How do you differentiate between attachment to your T and just liking your T?

Just for clarity, by "attachment" I mean an unhealthy relationship with your T, maybe idolization, obsession, infatuation, etc. By "just liking" I mean you have a good relationship with your T but don't desire to have any type of relationship beyond T/client. (Of course those are very broad definitions, attachment is very nuanced in my opinion)

For me, attachment looks like obsession. I can't stop thinking about T. I google T and try to find every piece of information I can because I want to feel like I know T just like a close friend would. I can't stop thinking about T, and I spend tons and tons of my time daydreaming about what it would be like to be friends with T or to date T.

What does attachment look like for you?

I think of attachment a bit differently, in terms of the therapist providing a secure base, like a safe haven that provides comfort and safety when things feel scary. For me, my attachment to my therapist becomes a mechanism by which she and I can see how I am in relationships and what sorts of feelings come up for me. This makes it possible for us to talk about them and work through them. Often I relate to her in the same ways I relate to other people. The feelings are real, even if they only get expressed inside the therapy room. But the feelings are also really, really intense because they get at the core of how I feel about myself and others (much of it hearkening back to my early history with my family). I don't actually want a real-life relationship with my T because then she wouldn't be my T anymore, but I do feel very strongly about her nonetheless. I probably idealize her a little bit, but I recognize her weaknesses and foibles too. I think the way I feel about her right now is probably similar to how most kids feel about their mothers, but I don't expect to feel this way forever.

I have had therapists that I liked working with but didn't have particularly intense feelings about. I sometimes got useful bits of advice or ways to shift my thinking from talking with them, but I ultimately wasn't able to make much progress. So for my particular circumstances, I am responding better to a closer, more intense connection right now, even though it is overwhelming sometimes.

My daydreams tend to hit a dead end, and thats where i get my useful information, or what i end up talking to my t about. He doesnt always "get it" - sometimes i think he is not a very good t because he cant follow these flights - but when he does, he opens some very interesting doors. Its like The Shining.

From my experience attachment is really painful while liking the T is not painful at all. I know when I'm attached because I'm too obsessed with the T, I daydream and fantsize about them, I want them to hug me or to love me, with my previous T it was really painful and I wasn't even able to focus on other things! It's like he was my world.
With my new T, I can recognize that I only like her, I can see that she's skilled and has qualities, but it's not like I daydream about her. I noticed that I become really attached to male figures mostly, so male therapists and not females.
In general attachment is super strong...I don't know if it's normal to feel pain when attached, maybe it has to do with childhood and not having a secure attachment.

Liking your T:'I am looking forward to seeing my T tomorrow..

Attachment to T: I am looking forward to seeing my T in 10 hours, 36 minutes and 5 seconds... opps no make that 3 seconds...

Cracks me up because it's true

Annie, I also think it makes a lot of sense that you're focusing a bit intensely on your T right now. You're stressed and away in another country without your usual supports. It seems perfectly natural for you to have urges to connect with somebody who has been so kind and supportive to you, even if the only way you can make that happen is by looking at her stuff online. I know it seems obsessive, but it sounds like you're very much in touch with reality about the nature of your relationship with her, so I don't think any of this is concerning.

I was obsessed with T in the beginning (15yrs ago)
The first break she took nearly killed me. I was walking around in so much pain missing her. Couldn't do anything without her in mind.
The time between sessions, was just as bad.
I'd soothe myself with fantasy's of ways I could get get to care about me, Have me in mind all the time. I couldn't dare to think I wasn't at the forefront of her thinking.

You know, that's exactly where I needed to be back then. Because of my past. My degree of hurt and neglect was borne out by the degree of pain I felt thinking about her. I felt guilty that maybe she meant more to me then my husband and children back then.

I'm fortunate that she knows her stuff and didn't abuse those feelings or not know how to help me with them. But by bit we worked with them.

My needing to believe she cared only about me is a very young child's thinking. There's no right or wrong about that. The only wrong is that those feelings still existed in that form because my needs hadn't been met at the age appropriate time for me.

As painful as it all was, I needed to reexpereince them so as to finally heal those yearnings.

T did that With me, gently and responsibily.

Thsts so much misunderstanding on this forum with this kinda of stuff. Shaming, denial and just plain ignorance at times.

No one feels like they do about someone because their stupid, or a lesser person. It's because they're wounded.

No one in here can bridge that gap. Only a competent professional whose studied attachment, observed mother and babies and know how to meet these needs.

Friends can't meet these needs, family can't meet these needs because they need the insight to respond and not react.

The therapy relationship is like no other because it's here where societies norms get suspended and we can say exactly what we're thinking and feeling and swear and scream and rage and not have to worry about the other person.

Thank you, Mouse! That was well said, and true.

I've never experienced attachment to a human before therapy, only dogs....

so for me, its this weird feeling of constantly wanting to talk to them, or hear their voice or see them, wanting to just be present with them....

and liking is someone you enjoy being with but are fine also not being with them. a good example is vast majority of my Facebook friends i like

I think, for me at least, attachment brings some pain with it, some longing. The wish to be more a part of their life than the boundaries of the T relationship allow. Pain if I get any sense of rejection from them, like tightening boundaries. If they cancel a session at the last minute (or even the night before), I might end up crying or at least feeling sad or let down.

Liking is more, "I want to spend time with them," but without the need. Feeling they're helping you, but not feeling like it could be the end of the world if, for some reason, you had to stop seeing them or they tightened boundaries.

I think that attachment can be good or bad, with therapists or anyone else. I think I would consider it a healthy attachment or just liking your therapist if you were happy and satisfied with what you were getting from her. You might look forward to therapy and even miss talking to her when you were not in session. But you are ok with just having her as a therapist.

On the other hand, I would consider it somewhat less healthy or more obsessive if you wish that you and she could be friends, or lovers, or something other than a therapist-client. I think that would result in longing and a lot of pain because your logical mind knows that you can't be friends or lovers, but yet you still want it.

But is that even bad or unhealthy to long for a certain type of relationship? I think it's useful data that points a giant flaming arrow at unmet needs. For me, it's not at all random or unexpected that I wish my T could be my mom, rather than say, my partner or a friend. It doesn't mean that I'm going to show up unannounced at her house on Christmas (which would be pretty unhealthy behavior). I think a therapist can help you examine whatever needs you have and work on ways to meet some of them within the therapeutic relationship and/or help you meet them yourself and/or mourn whatever loss is there.

I have never been very attached to my therapists as specific people, for me it was more all the analysis and talking about personal patterns that I found addictive. When I obsessed about therapy, it was much more a compulsive desire to dissect things and to discuss them and not the therapist's person that I would be preoccupied with. There was a very big difference though between my two Ts in terms of my respect and liking for them.

For me, what I call and experience as attachment can only develop and be sustained as a mutual state, with ~the same level of interest from both parties. I can feel intensely drawn to someone but it never lasts if it is not mutual and balanced. Interest and liking can last without mutual bonding for me but that does not usually involve strong desire to be with the person and missing them much when we are apart. Obsession can also last in a one-sided way, but I personally don't like to use the word "attachment" to those.

So I think there can be a big difference between healthy and insecure attachments, as some others pointed out. From what people tend to report on this forum, insecure attachment almost always comes with a lot of discomfort and pain and healthy attachment is a much more relaxed, positive experience, without much obsession. I think not only in therapy but also in everyday life.

Finally, I really don't think that therapy relationship and feelings for T always have something to do with parental feelings and desire for a caregiver, or whatever we lacked as children. Some therapy modalities push that concept, going even as far as claiming that even if a client is not in therapy because they seek a parental figure, at least unconsciously that is the case. I think that is pushing it too far and it can sometimes be used by the T as a defensive tactic, putting down the client's discomfort and criticisms to transference.

I did a lot of googling and online research on my Ts but for me it was a need for information and hopefully having a more realistic, complex picture about them, rather than a need to feel close to them. I rarely daydreamed about them and what it would be like to have a personal relationship with them - it happened sometimes, but very transiently. When I had those curiosities, it was usually just an interest to see who they are, independently of me and our relationship. When I thought about the relationship, usually it was in the context of professionalism - I wanted to have a decent professional relationship with them, and I either admired the T for good professional conduct or despised for failing at it. In this sense, if my T relationships was expected to model anything, it was most similar to work collaboration for me, not personal relationships (for which therapy is simply way too limited, IMO).

You make a good point about a healthy attachment--that's something that came up with T yesterday, where I asked him if a healthy attachment to him would be OK. And he said that's one of the things he wants me to work toward. Which...suggests he thinks now it's a bit unhealthy. I mean, he did come out and say yesterday that he feels I think about him more than is healthy/good for me. Maybe today (extra session) I need to ask him how he would define "healthy attachment" to a T?

I think attachment stuff for me is often signaled by how much time I want to spend in therapy. For the first year or two, working through a lot of insecure attachment issues, I used to think I would be happy to go to therapy 7 days a week, and/or for hours at a time. Now five years in, going twice a week, I think “I have way better things to do with my time than go those other 5 days or stay for more than an hour.” Occasionally things get stirred up, and I find myself anxious/impatient for my next session.

OMG sooo True!

Yes -- thank you both for bringing up the pain aspect. I didn't mention it in my original post but pain is definitely a part of attachment for me.

Thank you for those kind words you're right, I think the pain I am feeling right now isn't necessarily an unhealthy attachment, but just that I miss a person who is important to me, and I miss the support she provides me.

Interesting question, I'm not sure I would know how to differentiate. I think I am somewhat attached to my T. I do think about him and the process a lot during the week and depending on what's going on in my life I can't wait to get there. But I don't really want him to be anything other than my therapist although I think we could be good friends. But especially from reading here I know it's a lot harder to find a good T, so I'm ok with the way it is.
Do I want him to care about me and think about me? Yes, and I also wish I could take to him more, but frankly if he thought about me as much as I think about him, I would probably be really creeped out.
So am I attached? Or do I just like him? Or I am attached cause I like him and we get along well? Does it mean I'm too attached if I feel like I still need him?

I feel the same way. Am I attached if I miss my therapist? Or is that healthy, to miss therapy and to miss a person who knows me well and helps me? Am I attached because I like my therapist and enjoy spending time with her -- not just because she helps me, but because I like her personality?

I am attached to feeling better, and I like my pdoc and T as a help to get there.

And yeah, sure, there's the occasional 'SAVE ME!' thought involved, but in the same way you'd have that thought of an orthopaedic surgeon when you're in excruciating pain. Or of a fireman when trapped in a burning car.

I have been truly attached only once, to a teacher. It wasn't fun for either of us. She was our class teacher (teacher responsible for supporting our class in school). We'd always gotten along well, but then I needed help (depressed, suicidal) and she was the only adult who would listen to me and take me seriously. I thought about her a lot, and told her things a class teacher isn't equipped to deal with. Eventually she 'spilled' to our year coordinator (year coordinator asked her how I was doing and she burst out crying). We made up (I also wrote her a poem, which REALLY shames me now - it was a lot like the song Because You Loved Me, but worse. Not really appropriate to send to a teacher.) and talked less 'excessively' after that. However, when I was in The Hell and being medically tortured, I thought about her all the time, in particular because I knew she wouldn't stand by and do nothing, and she'd take me away from there if she'd known what was going on. That thought probably saved me back then.
I idolized her.. she couldn't do anything wrong in my eyes even when she did. But the thought 'she'll help/save me' helped immensely when I was so depressed (not during the torture though, because I knew she wasn't aware), because it gave me a little hope. Else it would have been 'No one can save me.'
I now know there's a word for what I experienced: maternal transference. And maybe therapeutic transference, in that I made her my substitute T because I needed one and she was the only one available.

I can really relate to that. My senior year of high school, I had one teacher who was like a second mom to me. (I liked her better than my own mom, actually, as we didn't have a great relationship.) She seemed to reciprocate those feelings, occasionally joking about being my mom or adopting me. I was never brave enough (or whatever word you'd like to use) to straight up tell her how I was struggling, but I would often hint at problems I was having, and she tried to give me advice.
But when I graduated, I tried to keep up with her via email, and I asked her to lunch a few times. We emailed back and forth (surface level stuff) for about a month, and we never did get lunch. We stopped talking after that. I felt totally abandoned by her. We had such a great relationship, how could she just forget me so easily? But now I realize that that's the way it's supposed to be with teachers and students -- she was my teacher, not my best friend or mom, and that relationship ends when school ends. Also, in hindsight I definitely idolized her. Now I think of things she said that totally make me cringe and wonder why I would ever think that was okay.

She never joked about adopting me. I daydreamed about it though.. (well not adoption, more like foster care. Adoption doesn't really happen in my country like that) or just of going to live with another person. I REALLY wanted to leave home.

As for her.. when my leg was about to be amputated, she promised she and my best friend would drive up to see me in the hospital or, if that wasn't possible, in rehab. They didn't. That hurt a lot. (My friend did visit several times. I think once in the hospital, maybe in the rehab facility, and a few times during weekend leave.)

Our relationship was way better then.. I wasn't obsessed with her anymore. We were just friendly. Appropriate.

She did send cards (a postcard with 7 post-its on it because she didn't have enough room to write otherwise!). We called once while I was in the hospital. (Went to voicemail, she left a message, not sure if we spoke. I did like that message.) Probably an email or two.

After I got out of rehab, I only went to school a few days here and there before I couldn't anymore (I was too tired and I'd been running for too long. And I was scared because I was in a new class. Burn-out, probably). We did see each other on the first or second day at least. Haven't had much (or any?) contact with her since then I think.

I'm thinking of sending her an email or a letter (her name, school address). Just to let her know I'm 'better'. Finished my high school diploma last year and am now working on the next/last. (Different levels of high school in this country. Highest level - also the school I met her at - prepares you for entering a bachelor program. Second highest - associate's degree program (sort of. Similar level I think, but it's 4 years). Lowest levels: entering a 'trade school'. (Highest lowest level can make you a nurse. It isn't necessarily working with cars.) I started on the highest level, spent a while at home and in residential, then finished second highest last year. Now working on highest.
In a lot of ways (everything but mood and PTSD basically) I have improved tremendously. Things are going well. I want to tell her so. I don't need her to reply; I don't desire a relationship with her. It's just that I saw her at a really low point in my life. After, she only heard things through my sister or her teachers. (Not the nice things - more the 'SUI attempt things' and needing ECT and such) I just want to let her know I'm doing better now. Am in a great school, and have plans to go to university in 2019.

I don't think there's much that can go wrong. I doubt she'll hate the letter, especially as I am sending it through school: I'm not looking up her address. I know that even if she responds, I won't fall back into the (not-so-healthy) way we once were because I have a support system now, and mainly because I know she's not perfect. Or perfectly reliable.

I'm glad you're in a good place now, I hope the letter goes well, and congrats on doing so well in school!!