In Session Today: Part IV

You saw me in a different time slot, only the second time in two years we met at anything but 9am. 3pm- you are still you and I am still me, turns out. I've been soul-searching about why you are so threatening and life-affirming to me at once. I am afraid to talk to you about some subjects, but you have grounded me through nightmarish topics and dig deeply into the past and my unconscious with your kindharshness/ harshkindess. You can be tender, and let your eyes fill up with tears , but this is rare. What the fear boils down to is questions about your authenticity- who you are. The very act of hiding this alerts my nervous system to be on guard , even as you say in a voice made quiet by perplexity how can I have any fear left when you have never ever hurt me. You know the extremity of my background situation, and you explain things through that lens. Really though, I want to tell you how many times you alienate me with the chitchat you must do all day. " Oh we thought when we bacame parents we would not be the kind of people who talk about our kids all the time. But we can't help ourselves " accompanied by a proud-of-yourself, self-indulgent smile. You don't seem to hear this through my ears, how unwelcome this is. You dislike dogs, and I live with a tribe of them. You send me out in the streets in tears. You ruin my day, and save my life. You're so funny, witty as anything and you can make me laugh through floods of tears with the gallows black humor. You taught me not to love you. You taught me that your language of care is being there in your office as reliably as the earth spins. When it comes down to my most vulnerable thoughts- fear v trust- the fear wins. You are compassionate but you act out compassion too like an actor, a very good one. You're smug that what happened to me can never happened to your daughter. It is that one thing that makes you unsafe amidst all the good you do for me.

Im surprised hes that dumb? that he believes something protects her.

You'd be a good therapist. That actually makes me more compassionate toward him, and the kind of wishfulness that is rather than fact as he seems to think now. I want him to be right, I realize. I want his daughter to be safe, but not for him to frame it as a cause and effect or have him conceal / reveal himself by his fondness for depicting himself as a collective. It was just a mistake he made saying that. He has probably said 1000 saving grace comments and 4 stinkers- of course I think the bad one is what he is hiding the rest of the time when there's pressure , but likely he cares about most people more than the average . The fraught nature of therapy increases with the far,e

When I called him yesterday morning, he called back right away. He was able to squeeze me in, which I was appreciative for. At the end of the call he said, "I'm glad you called, and I'm glad I have time for you to come in."

He wasn't in the office that he was in the last two times. I missed the dim lighting and wide open windows from the other office. I'm not going to be a fan of the ever changing offices. I like consistency, not change.

We spent a lot of time just working on expressing how I felt in a way that was safe. I told him I'd been contemplating hurting myself all morning. "What can I do to help me feel better?" In moments like these he's a fan of free thinking with the EMDR tappers. It's led to some good work in the past, so when he offered them I took them.

I had two small realizations and a couple of interesting moments that stand out.

The first realization is that I don't tolerate my extreme emotions well because I don't like not being in control. There's something he said that helped me make that connection, but of course I don't remember what it was.

The second realization was when toward the end of the session I was struggling to come down, and I started in on the "I should be better than this" track. T asked me who was talking in that moment. I said without hesitation "my father." I know that a lot of my self critical elements are influenced by him, but I didn't realize how pervasive it is.

Then as we were wrapping up (well we wrapped up for a while. I stayed maybe 10-15 minutes late) he went on this little monologue. "I'm just impressed with you today. You're so resilient given everything you've been through. You made a series of very healthy choices today, and I'm impressed. I'm glad that you made the choice to come here today, and I'm glad I was able to be here for you. You deserve to be seen and heard. I'm committed to working through your stuff with you."

I sat on the couch for a moment and couldn't breathe. I was silent. "You look inquisitive, Daisy. Thoughts?"

"I'm just having a weird moment. I heard you say all of those things, and maybe for the first time I believe you." We discussed that for a bit. Eventually I came to doubt not his authenticity in saying what he did, but myself for not doubting him. Like me believing him was a serious lapse of judgement.

Something we've talked a lot about the last month is how he's prone to positive reinforcement through simple phrases like "you've done a great job today." As I was paying, he said something like "I'd be remiss if I didn't throw in a patented 'good job'."
"Lord, you're such a teacher. I want to get you a book of those incredibly cheesy teacher stickers that say things like 'super' or 'you're a star'."
"Now when I feel compelled to tell you that you're doing a good job I kind of want to say 'here's your sticker'. Would you find that patronizing?"
"Oh, for sure that's patronizing, but I would laugh every single time because I'll always appreciate sardonic humor."

Two other things of note from the last two sessions: he seems to have injured his finger while on vacation, and he hasn't worn his wedding ring in either session that I had with him this week. I'm going to choose to believe he's an idiot and lost it versus something less innocuous.

Somehow, I did not manage to prevail this last session. C is such a snitch. Somehow the therapist had gotten hold of a letter I had written. She started in on me talking about threats and ultimatums. I told her she was guilty of the same thing when she talks about putting me in the hospital! She said blah blah maybe you're right about that but it's for good not for bad like your threats.

She also grilled me about certain terminology that I choose to use when talking about C.

She said she was sorry for me!

She asked how old I am. I refused to answer. She said she had to educate me about abuse and stuff.

She basically said there's something wrong with me! And she said I looked "angry and miserable." She asked if I was scared of her. As if!

Finally, the therapist managed to extract a behavioral concession from me after hounding me about a secret I refused to tell. Looking back, this was certainly a cunning tactic.

It sounds very patronising her saying she felt “sorry” for you,
And I don’t know why some “professionals” seem to have such an obsession about age. It’s none of their freakin business..

I don't know why it still surprises me that so many people are cruel. I bring this up to you and you just sit there bewildered. I'm talking about people who actually go out of their way to be mean to others. People who have good jobs, people in the caring profession, idk, it amazes me and sickens me at the same time.

It still surprises me too
I tell the T about this and the T just sits there looking bored and maybe writes down “paranoid” or something. Sorry dude, I’m not “paranoid” ... keep your opinions to yourself please. I do not pay you to be judged. And I do not pay you to be some piece of “furniture” to unload your darkness onto (sorry about the rant

(((((( Heartlight ))))))

Warning: This is a particularly trigger-heavy post (with potential triggers of several different types). T Thursday. Went back and sat down, commented on rare sunshine. Assorted small talk, stuff about D's bad sleeping habits, and how the new SSRI I'm on seems to be affecting me.

I said I wasn't sure where to head with session, that there was always the trauma list (that I'd typed up and given him a couple months ago, but we haven't addressed yet). T said I'd mentioned that numerous times, so maybe we should go with that. I handed him a copy so he didn't have to get it from my folder. He said he wasn't sure how I wanted to handle it, and i said some of it was things we'd discussed before. But otherwise, wasn't sure of the best approach.

I said I wasn't sure if it made sense to start with the easier ones, stuff that didn't really affect me in my day-to-day life but just maybe in a particular area. Like my dad and I getting rescued from the ocean by lifeguards when I was a teen. How it was scary, especially since my dad alone couldn't save me. And that I'm still really careful in the ocean and keep a really close eye on my D. T said that's actually probably a good thing, as it's safer for me and D. I agreed.

I said another one that was very scary at the time, but I'm not sure how much it affects me now is I said since I'd been asked for money (change for payphone) before it happened, for a long time I steered very clear of anyone asking me for money on the street. T said that probably made sense in staying safe.

I said I wasn't sure which thing to discuss next. T skimmed down the list. In one, I'd listed "Fuzzy sexual encounter in college." T: "Is Fuzzy a nickname for a person?" Me: "No." T: "The name of a drink?" (I guess he was thinking of fuzzy navel?) Me: "No, more like...I'm not sure how to classify it." I went on to explain what happened.

I said another one from college that definitely still affects me is one think we'd discussed before. I was riding on the highway with my longtime friend B, when he started intentionally driving recklessly, swerved, and we hit the jersey wall in the median. T: "Wow that sounds really scary." Me: "It was." That we we were both mostly OK (I did have some whiplash), but the scarier thing was that I'd suspected at the time that
He asked if that affected me when riding in cars with someone else driving. I said yes, at times, like if they don't seem to be paying close attention or do something that seems dangerous. Like with H, if he's drifting out of the lane, and I say something to him, which is probably really annoying. T: "You have my permission to say something if he drifts out of the lane! Tell him Dr. T said to tell him!" Me: "OK!" I said that's part of why I often prefer to drive, that I know it's just an illusion to have control (as I can't control other drivers), but I still like having that illusion. T said that's why people often prefer driving to flying even though driving is statistically much more dangerous.

We had maybe 5-10 minutes left, the perfect time to go into deeper stuff. (Yes, I meant that sarcastically of course.) I said how it makes total sense to me to feel somewhat traumatized by those things. But then there are certain things that I feel I caused myself, so it's like I don't have a right to feel traumatized by them. I started crying and said, for example, my DWI and . That I did those to myself, so it's like I shouldn't be able to list them as trauma.

T: "I disagree with that. I think you can still be affected by them and find them traumatic. You didn't know how those things would turn out when they happened. You didn't know how they would affect you." Me: "Thank you. I guess you're right. Like the night with the DWI, I didn't intentionally set out to get that. But still, I feel I can't say that I was terrified by all the police cars or the pain from the handcuffs that still hurt days later." T (compassionately): "It's OK to be affected by that." I looked at the time. "I guess we have to schedule now, right? And we can continue with this next week?" T: "We should definitely continue with this next week, yes."

Confirmed Monday, scheduled for Thursday. Went over and paid, shook hands, and he said, "It's Thursday, right?" Me: "Yes." T: "Then have a good weekend!" Me: "You too." T: "Enjoy the sunshine!" Me: "You too. I guess we should enjoy it while it lasts!"

As I was getting in my car, I had an insight related to what we discussed at end of session, and started crying. I sat in the car for a bit, thinking about this realization, and ended up e-mailing it to T:

"Dear Dr. T,
I think I figured something out after I got in the car. I don’t think the reason I feel I don’t deserve to react that way to certain traumas Like if I hurt someone else, I don’t deserve to suffer. I suspect there are other things in my past where that applies as well. Maybe even my having mental illness in general, because it hurt/caused stress for my parents, causes stress/inconveniences/annoyances for H, keeps me from being as good of a parent as I could be to D, etc.

OK, I should probably pull myself together and leave the parking lot now (I’m OK to drive, just a bit weepy). I guess I have a lot to think about between now and Monday...
Thanks for listening,
LT"

T responded briefly (I think between sessions) a couple hours later saying it was a "very interesting insight!" and that he looked forwarding to discussing more on Monday. I ended up e-mailing him again later because I'd been crying a bunch.

Me: "Thanks. I keep being really emotional. I was fine while meeting H and D for dinner a bit ago, but cried all the way home (and while getting gas). I'm not sure if this realization or today's discussion or both sort of ripped the bandage off of something or what. I just feel sort of raw. It's like I want you to tell me that it's all going to be OK, that I'll get through it, through talking about all of this (including stuff we haven't fully addressed yet) and feeling all the emotions that go with it, that you'll help me through it."

He replied an hour later with what I felt was a caring and helpful response. I especially liked the last line because it feels like he has faith in me, and that's the sort of thing I need to be hearing.

"Hi LT,
I'm sorry that you're having such a strong emotional reaction to your insights - but you most certainly will get through it, and I will do my part to help and support you. You may want to journal some of these thoughts, and do some deep breathing/mindfulness exercises to quiet your mind and body. Keep in mind that you are safe and that you have survived and conquered many challenges - and you'll do the same with this challenge."

Sending you huge hugs and positive vibes LT. You've been very brave to share all of that with him- just reading some of it was hard. I really hope you're feeling safe, and I would echo Dr T " you have survived and conquered many challenges - and you'll do the same with this challenge."

Thanks, Lemon. That helps to hear. I keep feeling like some of this seems so minor compared to what other people have experienced (granted, I haven't shared the whole list on here...) and like I'm just overreacting to everything. But T has said repeatedly that different people react differently to the same experiences. And if I'm just wired a certain way, like from birth, then I can't really help how I react.

You’re not overrating. Granted, I need to remind myself of this too because I keep thinking that way and it hinders my progress. My T says that whether you are overreacting or not is irrelevant. The point is, you’re reacting. So the legitimacy of your reaction shouldn’t even be called into question. You’re working on things that have happened, emotions that have come up, so you can have better days

Thanks, Emerald. You're right that thinking that way would hinder progress, because it might make me hold back my feelings, and then I can't work through them.

Honestly the one thing in the car particularly sounds terrifying and traumatic. And as my T once said "if it feels traumatic, then it is". No matter what it is. I was once at an EMDR lecture where the lecturer said one trauma he was treated for was being humiliated by a teacher in front of his class. Trauma is individual.

I had this one old best friend, who would always tell me that I had a lot to be grateful for and there were other people worse off than me- it might have been true, but I don't feel like that ever really helped me feel better to be honest. Pain at the end of the day is still pain, trauma at the end of the day is still trauma and our individual experiences will shape how we react. I've cried of "small" stuff but at the time it was a build up of everything else.

I appreciate the detailed rendering of your session and the aftermath. I clipped this phrase out, de-contextualized it really, because I think there is much to unpack there. Clipped like this, I'd first of all say that I wish less suffering for a human beings, you and otherwise. If why I go to therapy can be crystallized in a short phrase, this is it. I want to suffer less.

Because the suffering is always there regardless of what anyone did or didn't do to cause it. If I punch someone in the face and they punch me back, my swollen eye and bruises hurt just as much as theirs.

The Buddhists say "things as they are." At least in my own life it has not been easy to see what happened to me that caused me suffering (multiple things, including many that were my choice or due to my actions) for what they really were and how they affected me.

I don't know if this is in the same ballpark as what you are experiencing, but I have felt that I deserved to be punished for the things that caused my suffering. If I'm honest, this not only included things that happened because of my actions in adulthood, but to to CSA that everyone would agree could not possibly be "my fault." Maybe this is different from your version of you don't deserve to feel bad about what happened to you, but I'm not sure.

Because that is what I think trauma does to people. Skip the specifics of the things that cause the suffering, whether it's an act of G-d (people who are in floods or other natural disasters also have PTSD and they also suffer from feeling that they have and should be punished for their badness-- or whether it is child abuse or abuse of any kind-- trauma makes people feel bad. In my version, the "bad" is really large, a kind of deep and dark hole I am still climbing out of. Part of it is recognizing just how bad I felt during and after the traumas. But the stickiest part is seeing how much I felt a "bad" person, that I was lucky enough that anyone chose me as a person in their life and I should be grateful for whatever crumbs they scooped my way.

Trauma is such a trickster too because as soon as you can pin it down-- kind of like catching a tiny feather floating down on the wind, it morphs into something else that you have to deal with. At each piece of it, what it feels like to me is that I have to break through all the things about it, if you like the term defenses I think that's what this is, that lead me to try to distort the trauma into something it wasn't. It is so hard just to see things for what they really are. To admit, this thing that happened, it was terrible and the pain from it has lingered. Because that is what trauma does, and our enormously creative brains do not like something they have tidily put away coming back to roost in our conscious life. From the way our culture wants traumatized people to be silent to the neurology of "resolution" of the trauma, there's a lot of pressure for people to deny their pain.

Sometimes I think in the popular media there is this sense that people "enjoy" claiming "victim status" or "enjoy being a victim." I think that is horse doodee. While what happened to someone will undoubtedly be scrutinized as to whether the proper label such as rape would apply IF you make a public FB post or you file a criminal/civil complaint, in private this notion that people want to be victims doesn't apply at all.

This might be a crazy analogy, but about 8 years after we were married, my spouse decided to become more religious (his "religiosity" shifted). He went from someone who went to services once a year to someone who embraced a very conservative group that I would not join because it was against my larger values. It took many years to come to a place of acceptance about it, but for a long time I felt like I had been betrayed, and everything that women said when their partners cheated on them was exactly how I felt. Except G-d was the person he was cheating on me with. No, I "shouldn't" have felt betrayed or victimized by him changing his spirituality and how he practiced it. I could say with a deep respect for logic that this was about him and what he needed to grow as a person, not about him rejecting me and seeking something else with another being.

But it wasn't until I could admit how I saw things ("you are cheating on me with G-d") and how I felt about them that I could begin to get my head around the real problem.

And for you, LT, your description of your reactions or suffering feels connected somehow to the issue you've raised before, about how difficult it is for you to ignore the noise about what people think about you. This issue seems to sit pretty squarely on it, because this time you are looking at how you think about the trauma you've experienced. If you need validation that what you went through was terrible, you've received it from your T and in this thread (from me too, fwiw). But I think the most important piece is that you see your traumas for what they really were and how they really affected you, and that has nothing to do with what other people think.

Anne so much this! And I think with many trauma survivors this is what causes more and more trauma on top of the old one as there is not a natural defence system built in that comes with self appreciation and feeling of worth.

Nearly session time, it's been a long hard week! I want to tell you how I struggle, and how it just seems to be getting harder and harder to stay afloat, yet at the same time I want to go in, put a smile on my face and say it's ok.
I almost feel like every week I just moan and tell you how bad my life is, surely there is a point where you think enough already, snap out of it! I know you haven't done that or have me any reason to think that, but I just feel like I must be testing your patience and taking advantage of your empathy

Had a session today. T told me that my reaction to the questionable massage was not over the top and said he thought most if not all other people would likely react strongly to that too. He even said that if a friend or family told him about the same situation happening to them, he’d push them to take action against the massage therapist. In a way, it felt validating to hear him say that. On the other hand, it hurt because he didn’t say anything about me taking legal action, suggesting he doesn’t really care about me much. I just hope he cares about me as a client a little bit. I left the session feeling really and worthless. I’m really questioning whether I had a right to feel so violated, and if the masseuse truly did anything wrong. I sat in the parking lot for 40 min after our appointment looking at massage regulations in the state this took place in. I couldn’t find too much info so I actually called a lawyer specializing in that stuff and left a voicemail. I don’t plan to proceed with any legal actions, seeing as how I don’t have any proof and it all happened in a state I don’t live in. Plus I don’t feel it’s that serious. But I will admit it felt empowering to leave that voicemail. I froze up during the massage and didn’t tell him to stop like I should have, which I’ve been really mad at myself for because . It makes me feel like I don’t have the right to be upset. I guess calling the lawyer sort of made me feel like at least for once, I won’t let what someone does to me be completely swept under the rug. Even though I’m not really going to file anything. I still feel conflicted and like I’m being too dramatic, but I think maybe I took a step in the right direction towards healing?

I texted my T (who I am thinking of ending therapy with anyway) because I was wanting clarification on something she said on Thursday that has stuck in my brain and causing me to ruminate. I'm irritated because she is denying that she said what she said (one more reason to end therapy) and irritated because she said again that we might need to talk about me going inpatient. I think she isn't used to my issues, or she is inexperienced with them. I had a great T for 10 years who never said I should go inpatient but did tell me to go to the ER though, or agreed with me when I thought I should go. But I totally don't feel that unstable right now so I'm frustrated. I'm hoping the T I am interviewing next month is better. Totally missing my old T. Why do T's deny what they say? At least own it. She seemed pretty sure of it in the moment. Ugh.

I hope you won't be offended when I say you are reading too much into this. T probably feels that he can't advise you to sue, because that would be undue influence. Ts have to be very careful they don't end up running their patient's lives, even though some patients would like nothing better!

So he has told you, in as neutral fashion as possible, that you would be morally justified in suing. Whether you'd have any chance in court... Well, he's not a lawyer, is he?

Thank you for putting that in perspective, I’m by no means offended! I hadn’t thought of it that way. I feel better about that comment now.

Forget suing, I feel that what he did was criminal. Lock him up!

Absolutely awful, devastating session today.

For many months now, we've been working towards talking about a memory that I've never discussed with anyone. I resisted, distracted, resisted more... we've been very disconnected lately, and he told me that we were most likely to connect if we stopped looking at distracting topics and got back to actually talking about this memory.

So, I did it. I pushed REALLY hard, and I told him most of the content of the memory tonight. And it was mildly OK until... until he just left me in complete and total silence for the last 10 minutes of our session.

I was completely locked inside my own head, I couldn't even move my body, and he said nothing. He KNOWS how much I hate silence. I have told him so many times... Time was up, and I just said, angrily, "I guess we're done then...thanks for leaving me in silence..."

I've emailed 2x since leaving... not even angry emails, just desperate pleas of "where ARE you? Where were you? I need you...I needed you... why did you abandon me when I trusted you to be there to catch me?"

I've fallen and broken every limb...he wasn't there. No one was there to catch me.

I don't know what to do anymore.

That sounds like a bait and switch to me.