In Session Today: Part V

I read him a letter explaining that I sometimes manipulate people by saying things that I'm saying because I want them to care about me and be upset by. Like saying how much I hate myself or hurting myself. I'm not lying, but I'm saying it because I want them to display some emotion in response to it so I feel like I matter.
He didn't think that that makes me a horrible person.

He thinks I internalize shame and guilt about wanting to be cared about because my mother didn't provide that when I wanted it as a kid and she thought emotions were stupid. I'm oversimplifying of course, and it was my choice to hide how sensitive I was and hide my emotions so she wouldn't feel bad, and she was in a really bad emotional place and my father was emotionally abusive. And instead of being mad at my mom I came to believe that the problem was with me for wanting things in the first place.
He wants me to write an unsent "anger letter." I don't feel angry at my mom though. I understand that her intentions were good and she wasn't emotionally equipped and she feels bad enough already. He wants me to let myself feel angry with her, but I'm not suppressing anger towards her, there really isn't anger there.
He was surprised to find out that I don't really care about children. He was asking me if a 7 year old that I had come to care about showed me some art they did that they were proud of or something, wouldn't I care and tell them they did a good job and stuff? Would I think their stuff was stupid? And I was like "honestly, yeah." I explained that I'd think it was stupid. I'd humor the kid and pretend to care and act impressed because it would be cruel not to. I don't want children to be unhappy or suffer, and I care about their feelings. But no, when I interact with children I'm usually annoyed and really don't care about their story about a princess on a pink unicorn or whatever. I never let it show. Kids like me and people who know I don't like kids who later see me interact with kids are always surprised by how good I am with kids.
So, no, I don't fault my mom for not caring about this kind of stuff. But she never really felt the need to hide it and didn't understand that it was important to me that she at least pretend to care. And she's bad at pretending to like something she doesn't like, so I just don't show her things I'm proud of.
But I pointed out that I know this about myself and I wouldn't have children, and one of the many reasons is that it wouldn't be fair to the kid because I couldn't provide the kind of emotional support and stuff that they need. It's the same reason I don't have a dog. Unlike children, I actually like dogs, but I know that with the hours I work it wouldn't be fair to the dog for me to have them because I'm not able to give them what they need.
He was definitely caught off guard by the fact that I don't like children or care about the stuff that's important to them. Of all the things I told him today, I think that one probably surprised him the most. And it's one of the things that I actually don't feel guilt or shame about.

I sat on the floor again hugging my knees and facing to the side and kind of hiding. He commented at the end that the chair would be more comfortable. I told him that I felt safer on the floor. He made some comment that made it seem like he thought that I felt like I didn't deserve to sit in the chair or something, and I tried to explain that it really did make me it easier when I sit on the floor and that I'm 23, so I'm young enough that it's not really uncomfortable. He didn't seem to really get it.

Edit: okay so maybe there is actually some anger there once I start writing... But what's the point? It's not constructive or useful. It won't change the past.

It got real in session today. Didn’t talk about much that I had planned. Began by talking about reflexology as a venue for inner work.
‘It brought up a lot of stuff for me.’
‘In terms of triggers?’
‘Not triggers, but thoughts and feelings I would be better off bringing into this space.’
I mentioned that I had been confronted with the question ‘What the hell are you so scared of?’ Talked about the line that I am unaware of until I cross it, and that is where the intense emotions are –fear, anger, crying.
‘It sounds really scary to not be aware until you have crossed that line.’
‘It’s worse when I am in conversation with somebody, and they react badly.’
I tried to talk some more about reaction to the pottery experience and how mum reacted.
The filter got in the way. I eventually responded to R’s question ‘What are you hoping to do today?’ With ‘I want to restore…’
‘This is really hard for me to say. I want to restore a sense of safety.’
‘Are you talking about between us?’
‘Yes.’
I had talked earlier about how not all of my feelings can come out through perfect poetry. ‘Some need to come out through the land of four letter words.’
We had a conversation about how being ‘together’, being a functional human, doesn’t mean everything is perfect all the time, but you can be pissed off and own it.
She said ‘What I can feel you trying to say is that this break has been really hard. It is OK to say that, Lost. Can you tell me how the experience was for you without this space?’
I don’t know how I didn’t break then. I came very close to tears.
‘Sorry.’ I grabbed her hand.
‘It felt like a bomb going off. I come back to the cinema experience because I didn’t know that was going to happen. There are other people, but they have to drag it out of me.’
‘I understand that this is not a magical space where things get fixed, but I appreciate that it is important to you.’
We talked about the frustration that gave away to feeling as I did in August 2016…
‘And I didn’t ever want to feel like that again.’
I talked about needing to know my warning signs better, and reaching out whilst I still have the chance.
She reaffirmed that she can’t be there forever, and validated my fear about the lack of support.
‘There must have been a point where you thought ‘Shit! Is this space ever coming back?’
‘Yes.’
‘Turn the filter off, Lost.’
I talked about how my inability to take the phone call didn’t help matters, but held my tongue concerning ‘She’ll be in touch.’
R asked whether I would have felt better if I had been able to email and enquire.
I explained that crisis in another’s life automatically puts them on a temporary Do Not Contact list, even though I know it is different between us.
R said that she had learned from this experience, and felt that she could have managed client expectations better. She thanked me for being honest with her.
We shared that we had both found it intense, but R said that it would have been weird if we had just tried to go straight back to how it was before.

T today. Waiting room was kinda full, so I sat over in the corner. T opened door and didn't see me, so he leaned forward and peered around the side, then smiled when he saw me. Me: "I was hiding!" He said he'd make sure our sessions would be on half hour from now on (like they usually are) so waiting room would be more empty.

Sat down. I said how often when I'm leaving, if someone's in waiting room, they seem to be staring at me. T said they probably aren't looking at me as long as I think. Or if they are, maybe they're thinking, "I want to get my hair cut like her" or "I like her dress, I wonder where she got it?" (I was wearing a dress) or "I wonder how she likes her Fitbit?" I said I liked that more positive way to look at it.

Talked about my stressful morning with D getting ready for school, H yelling at D, me asking H not to yell at D, and H yelling at me. T said how one of the things he's always believed with parenting is that it's never OK to yell at your kids. I mentioned that I knew it was common. He said just because something is common doesn't mean that it's OK. I said he'd told me that once before and that it had really affected me. That ex-MC would say something was common and that he did it, which implied that it was OK (including yelling at his kids). Note that I sometimes end up yelling at D, too, which I've shared with him, but much less frequently than H.

T said one possibility would be to record H when he was yelling, like not be obvious about it. He put his phone up on the ledge next to him to demonstrate. He said that could potentially be risky though, because it's hard to say how H might react to being videoed. To think long and hard about that.

As part of that discussion, he gave some example, like how everyone shouldn't do something just because other people are. Me: "You mean like lemmings going off the cliff? I think that's lemmings, right?" T: "Is a lemming a fish? Or a mammal?" Me: "I think a mammal, sort of like a meerkat? Or a weasel?" T: "Oh that's right, I think they burrow in the ground like groundhogs." Me: "Not sure but you might be right."

I said how some of the stuff with D seemed to me (as someone with OCD) like OCD stuff. I listed a few of the things to T, and he agreed. I said it especially bothered me if H was yelling at her for those things, like "I *have* to finish my breakfast" (and some counting things) because, in my experience, yelling at someone to stop them won't help, because they really do feel they *have* to do those things. So it will just make them more stressed. T agreed with me. I said (tearing up) that it can be hard for me to see H do that to D because it makes me think of my childhood, with my parents not understanding my mental health issues. T said me being understanding of D can help her, and also help me as well, like healing the past in a way.

I said I didn't know if she had OCD or if this could just be an aspect of autism. He said could be part of autism. He struggled to come up with a term and asked if I wanted to know it. I said OK. He got up and grabbed his DSM V, put on his reading glasses, flipped to a page and read some stuff to me from it, presumably from the autism section. We discussed that a little bit. Also in there, he gave some suggestions for handling the mornings with D and H, including visual schedule. And suggested having discussion with H about it (not in the morning).

He asked me if I felt like H understood mental illness. I said maybe not, though he’ll mention how he’s nervous sometimes. T said that suggests he doesn't really understand, adding “What he needs is a good panic attack!” Which kinda amused me—I said maybe I could inject him with adrenaline (kidding obviously). T said if someone is talking about anxiety and is like, "I get nervous before speaking in public" or about depression saying, "I get a little down sometimes," it suggests they don't really understand. He said it's like a lightning bug compared to lightning. I said was good comparison, and he said he couldn't take credit for it (Mark Twain apparently). And can almost be worse because they *think* they understand and that it's easy enough to deal with, when they really have no idea what the person with anxiety or depression is really going through on a regular basis.

I asked if it was difficult for him to understand what clients are going through if he hasn’t gone through certain things himself. He said, “I’m not going to disclose what I have or haven’t personally experienced, but…" Which I thought was a good holding of boundaries. I said, "I understand that." And went on to explain how he understands things more by talking to "people in my life who I care deeply about" (not sure if he meant real-life people, clients, or both) and by training. He also said that it can be a negative if someone had a similar experience, that if he had, say, severe OCD, he might assume my experience of it was the same as his, when it can be very different in different people. I said I felt that was an issue with ex-MC sometimes, with his having said he's also had anxiety issues.

I asked how I could get H to understand more both what I'm feeling and what D is. How I thought marriage counseling would have helped, but I don't think it did, that I'd explain what I'd want from him if, say, I was panicking, but he tended not to do it. That if he's been with me for 12 years and still didn't get it...

T said some people need to hear it from an expert, like they'll pay him $175 to hear the exact same thing a friend or family member told them. That it doesn't seem fair, but it's often the need to hear it from an outside source. Whether about me or stuff with D. He suggested we find an expert in area to talk to. And with anxiety, maybe try to find documentary on it, since they share personal stories "and have nice music and stuff." How someone else's story might help H understand more than me. Or to find a good book on it, maybe with case studies. I said I'd look into it, and he said to let him know if I found something good.

T also said in a way he wished H and I were still getting couples counseling. Because that could be a place to discuss stuff with D. I said I wondered what it would have been like if we'd gone to him for marriage counseling, like if I'd never started seeing him individually. I said how a friend had said H would likely hate him, because he would challenge and push him. T: "I don't know, guys tend to like me." Me: "Now are you going to say, 'The ladies tend to like me, too'?" T laughed. "No I'm not going to say that." T said he feels he's not a typical T: "I'm into sports, I'm sarcastic, I'm not that warm and fuzzy." Me: "Yeah, I think the sports thing is what bonded H and ex-MC, with them liking the same teams."

T said we'd have to wrap up soon and had maybe 5 minutes left. Was there anything else I wanted to address? I said there was one thing I'd planned to maybe discuss today, but it wasn't urgent, that what we'd talked about was more helpful, stuff I can apply now to hopefully make life easier, or at least the mornings. Talked more about how H was acting toward D, and that I yelled at her on occasion. He said he's heard that a good way to judge how you're acting is that if someone filmed it and put it on social media, would you feel OK about it and feel able to sort of defend your actions? I said that's an interesting way to look at it.

I said I appreciated the little wrap-up time, and he said he was trying to go off some feedback I'd given him recently, though he probably should have given me more time. I thanked him for that. He reached for his phone to schedule and realized it was still on the ledge. T: "I've actually been recording you this whole time! Just kidding!" I laughed and said maybe he has a hidden camera elsewhere. I said actually, someone had recently suggested I record sessions--would that ever be a possibility? He said it's something we could talk about, to discuss why I'd want to. I said we could discuss in future session, and he said that sounded good. (I figure if it's something he'd never allow, he's just say it outright.)

Confirmed Thursday, scheduled for next Mon/Thurs. Went over to pay. He shook my hand, saying, "Enjoy!" Me: "Uh, you too." He commented on the rain, and I was like "Oh right!" and went over to get my umbrella from next to the couch. As I approached the door, he said, "Take care." Me: "Thanks, you too."

That entire session LT focused on your world and family, and not on your relationship with T. He is deftly steering the course charted . I look forward to these vivid write ups- feel like we are there with you.

Hm, good point. And I still felt connected to him. (And also don't have an "oh no, is everything OK with him?" fear right now.) At least he let me in a little by talking about how he understands clients' struggles, though without revealing too much. Pretty sure I'll have to talk about the relationship again at some point soon though...Maybe it's OK with him as long as that's in the minority of things we discuss, not the majority, which he seemed to think it was before.


Glad you enjoy the writeups!

It gives me hope and inspiration- bc you experienced the connection rather than meta-analyzed it and you connected. I think that is a huge accomplishment since you related deeply on several topics. and let it be connected instead of questioning if it was. So cool!

Had a phone session with my T this morning. Ever since I've gone back to university in August, I've been too far away to do our usual in-person sessions, so we've been doing sporadic phone calls every two weeks or so instead. Usually at the end of each call, T says she'll be in touch to schedule our next one. Our last appointment was a week and a half ago, and days went by and she never texted or e-mailed about scheduling another call. That was fine, I told myself I could wait, even though I was having a hard time. I'm horrible about asking for help when I need it, so even when I started to feel upset I was adamant that I wouldn't e-mail her. I worry a lot that I'm a burden to her.

Except then, over the weekend, things got bad. I was so depressed that I couldn't get out of bed. I had horrible intrusive thoughts, and my mother came to visit, which brought up a lot of traumatic memories. By Sunday, I couldn't take it anymore, so I e-mailed T in desperation and asked if we could talk sometime this week. She immediately responded and said she could squeeze me in the next day (today), which she's done before when I'm really struggling but still shocks me. The amount of empathy she has and how much she's done to help me makes me tear up every time. So when we were on the phone this morning, she asked what was up, and I explained all of it and mentioned that not only had it been really triggering, but that I'd even unearthed a horrible memory that I guess I'd been repressing before.



I told all of this to T and was trying not to cry, and she said, "I wish you could see my face right now. Every time you say what he told you, my stomach drops." We talked more about that and my childhood as a whole, and I finally braved up enough to ask her: "My point of view is so warped, I don't know what's normal and what isn't anymore. You don't have to answer if you don't want to, but please... how bad was it?" (it being all of it, not just the story.)
She paused for a minute. Finally, she said, "It was really bad.

We finished the phone call a few minutes later. T asked if it would be better if we put a date on the calendar for next time and I said yes. We picked a date at the end of next week, and she told me that I shouldn't hesitate to call before then if I was struggling again. I'm very grateful for her. That's all I could think as we hung up.

(((Hireath))) parents are truly idiots sometimes. Its like they have no idea what it means to be an adult. So they look to THEIR CHILD to be the adult in the room.

Thanks, SE. I wonder if this means I trust the connection/relationship more now?

He asked me if i had my stone and i said no i had forgotten it. He let me choose another for today. The first part of my session was so painful, so confusing and so disturbing I don't even have the energy to write about it, even though 35 minutes was spent on the pain and 25 minutes trying to get grounded again.

After 35 minutes I said "I can't think about this anymore" T said "what shall we do instead" I said I dont know. He asked me about my new house. I told him about it.
We talked a little more about the bad stuff from a detached standpoint. I don't remember that conversation though so I think I was still dissociative. I remember the gentle expression on his face, but not his words.
I said "i think you understand me. I don't know what I mean by that". He said "I think I have a good idea about what's happening at the moment and what we can do with it". I said "No. You understand me, not it". He looked at me lovingly and smiled.
We stood up and he squeezed me tight. I said "thank you" he said "Trust yourself with your 9 year old self"

Later I emailed him. I told him I found out what stone I chose and its meaning online. I also told him that I felt so bad after session that I wanted to run back to him and have him hold me again. I told him part of me wants an extra session.

He emailed back almost straight away saying (In response to the stone meaning) "truth and courage - good choice" and giving me some word of encouragement about the bad stuff. He said to let him know if I need another session.

I'm not going to put this whole thing in a trigger warning, but just like general TW for emotional/verbal abuse

I had a lot of memories that came back from talking to my mom.
I was able to actually provide specifics about the ways in which my father was verbally/emotionally abusive instead of just vague statements.
I told him about how my father would yell and scream 6" from my face when he was twice my size for things I hadn't done, and then when I denied them I also got yelled at and punished for disrespect and disobedience.
I told him what my mom said, that it was hard for her to watch and she was in an impossible situation because she would want to defend me because she knew he was being unfair and awful, but she also knew that if she tried to intervene and he felt like his authority was being challenged it would only make things worse for me.
And that eventually when she'd moved out she'd "naively believed" (her words) that things would be better between me and him because he was only doing it because he was angry with her (I also told T that I thought that was a rationalization, not naivete, and that she'd wanted to believe that because then she wouldn't feel as guilty for leaving while I still had to spend time at his house).
When I was telling him about my mom not defending me T asked what I was feeling as I was talking about it. I was like "idk, sadness I guess." He was like "that's not the emotion that's coming up for me right now." I asked "you don't think it's sad?" And he said that he felt anger about my mom not defending me, and he thought she wasn't intervening because she didn't want it directed at her. I explained that, no, feeling that his authority was being challenged really would cause my father to escalate things more. T didn't really think that was an acceptable excuse.
But my brother and I also learned not to defend each other because that only made things worse for both of us. So I can't really blame my mom.

There was a lot more to the session than that, but that was the most important part for me. T almost never expresses emotion unless I ask him directly ("do you care about me?" "would it bother you if I suddenly quit therapy without any explanation and you never saw me again?"). It's generally best for me that way because I'm not worried about upsetting him or trying to shield him from stuff or trying to get a reaction out of him. But it helped to hear, because I'm still feeling pretty emotionally detached from these memories. And hurt by the ways in which my mom almost made it sound like some of it was partly my fault.
And because my father's legal defense for custody was that my mom had brainwashed me against him and he could make any incident sound reasonable after the fact by downplaying his behavior and using the fact that I was upset as proof that I was irrational. So the family therapist who did the initial evaluation didn't believe me. Neither did my first therapist. Or the guardian ad litem. My father managed to convince them all that I was just a rebellious 13 year old and I'd been brainwashed and liked my mom because she let me get my way.
If T was angry that means he believes me about my father. And he thinks I should have been protected. He doesn't think I was just being melodramatic. He doesn't think I should have just toughened up and gotten over it. He thinks that it mattered. He thinks that I mattered.

Sessions are usually 50 minutes. He apologetically told me we'd have to wrap up and I looked at my watch and it was 58 after. I was his last patient of the day so I don't feel too guilty, but he's usually good about time. I think the only other time we went over by that much was the session when he was terminating. And maybe the first session together after that?

He asked me what I thought would be helpful for me to do (like homework). I said "not think about it." He said he wanted me to read my stupid "empowerment letter" (I still can't believe I let him talk me into writing that. He now uses it against me whenever he wants to get me to be nicer to myself). I told him I didn't want to do it. He asked if I knew why he wanted me to do it and I said because he knew I'd go find a million creative new ways to blame myself for everything. He said yes and asked why I didn't want to do it. I didn't really know how to answer. It just doesn't feel right for me to do. I don't want to read good things about myself right now. It feels wrong. I think when I'm feeling like this trying to do something like that only makes me angrier at myself.

I have another appointment Friday.

I don't really know what happened today. I don't know what part of me was there. I don't know what was felt or wanted or needed. Nothing mattered. We didn't want to be there or anywhere. Didn't want to be there. Didn't want to be anywhere else. Didn't want to be.
No part of us was allowed to be there. When we tried to speak we were shut down. When we tried to switch out we were slammed back in. Our hands were held behind our back and fingers gouged into the arm. No speaking. No being. Do Not.
We didn't want to be there. We didn't want to be anywhere.
She did nothing said nothing was nothing that could be of any help. We left. Sat in the car because there was nowhere we wanted to go, to be.
We sat there and weren't.

Saw my T for the first time this week yesterday.
I texted him a bit before since there had been an accident blocking my bus from getting to T's office. I got off the bus, ran to a stop where other buses I can take also stop, and then got onto the same bus that I had just gotten off. I arrive a bit late and coughed through the first half of the appointment, I think I have some kind of asthma.

I started off by saying my week was ****. Last night I did some kind of wrong movement with my shoulder and now I'm in pain. Tuesday I realized the power supply of my new PC came with a plug for EU sockets, which we can't use here. Ran around town the whole day trying to find a cable that has the right current throughput, since the other cables we have in the house didn't have enough. Couldn't find one. And last week I was a bit upset about our second session on Friday.
T asked why. I felt that he just tried to be right. He told me I'm scared of something within me and project that fear onto stuff in the outside world. But I clearly felt that I was scared of stuff coming from outside. I didn't feel understood. He asked whether he tries to be right too much in general? I said no, just sometimes.
I said that I understand the concept of projection, but I don't think all fears are projection. If a human in the stone age was scared of a tiger, he didn't project the internal fear of I don't know what onto that tiger, he was scared of the freaking tiger! T said that that a tiger was a real thing standing in front of you. That's different from my fears where I'm scared of the mean world outside. I answered that I'm not scared of the world, I'm scared of the world killing itself. Which is happening right now, it's a real thing. He replied that he knew that that was a real thing. But that he didn't perceive it as a real threat of his existence. I was kind of confused by that, I feel like it directly contradicts itself. Anyways, he said that last time we just both had our point of view and tried to convince the other of it. That I probably didn't feel validated because of that. And that it's good I told him.

After some silence, I said I don't want to be so scared of dying anymore. I don't want to think about it every day. He asked what those thoughts involved? Accidents, shootings, the end of the world. Everything. He remembered a time where I told him how there was an evacuation at university, where all the others just slowly gathered their stuff, talked to each other, joked around. Meanwhile I grabbed the things I could and ran outside. I told him that as a child, I used to be scared of death every night. I had a 30 minute ritual where I checked every single corner of my room for things that could kill me. Like bombs, remote-controlled crossbows, people. He confirmed with me that he remembers correctly that I don't have nightmares often. I said as a kid I used to, but I think that's normal. Other than that one dream that I could trigger by looking at an item in my room. And for present dreams, I think most people would describe the contents of some of my dreams as disturbing and like a nightmare. But I never wake up from them.

Silence again. He asked why I built a PC? I just want to have experienced it once. He asked whether I built a laptop or desktop, I replied a desktop. He asked me what the difference between the two is (apart from being able to carry one around). I told him, and then said again how I was annoyed at some bits of it. That I threw some screws into a random box because I was upset, and now I can't find them anymore. He told me sometimes he gets upset about PCs too. I said at least my partner wasn't home at the time, he doesn't like when I rage like this. He replied 'Neither does my wife when I rage!' Kind of made me happy to hear that he sometimes acts like me.

Again some silence. I said I'm sad. He asked me to concentrate on it, to describe it. I told him half the time I'm really sad and see things, memories. And the other time I feel empty and don't see anything. He asked whether I wanted to share the content of the images, I said it's how I lie in bed crying, being sad and scared. He confirmed with me that that was from about 10 years ago. What I'm scared off? The next day, going to school. Who I'm scared of there? I said the one guy who bullied me. 'The one that threatened to throw your guitar out of a window?' - 'Yeah'. We talked about that guy, first about what he did to me. Most of the time he'd just laugh at me, say stupid things about me. Two times he hit me, and sometimes he'd threaten to not give back items that he took from me or to destroy them. T asked whether I fought back? I said at first I didn't, I had been bullied in the past as well, and my parents and teachers always told me that it only makes the bully happier if you fight back. But at some point I snapped and couldn't take it anymore, and ignoring didn't do anything anyways. Then I regularly screamed at the guy and hit him, but he didn't stop. T asked me why I think he did that. I replied either because he liked to make people suffer or because he needed to control something, to have power. T said he probably had lots of problems with his emotions and now fighting back as well as ignoring probably both was confusing to the bully. There was some more to the discussion, but I don't remember most of it.

We had to stop shortly after because we were already 25 minutes over. T confirmed that we'd see on Friday and we shook hands. I managed to look at him very quickly during that, which felt nice, he looked very caring and loving.

Sadistic behavior. I had no idea the person I sought help from would turn out to be a sadist. Look it up if you are not familiar.

Saw EMDR T today, and part of me feels like I could have stayed home and not wasted my time. When he walked in he said He didn't think I was here because he didn't see my car outside. I don't know what car he drives but apparently he knows which one I drive. He asked how this week was, I told him I've just been exhausted all week. Told me that he got another call from my doctor's office asking for records from our sessions and telling him I requested them, and I said I didn't request anything...come to realize tonight that I think it was cps asking for the records from a report that was made from earlier this month when I . Going to email him back tonight and ask him the name of who called to tell him it was probably them.
Then he asked about me seeing T2 this week, and I told him what T2 says about seeing 2 different Ts, and he said that it's dumb and insurance is okay with it and he is too. He said he forgot to call T2 and speak to him last week, but said he wants to talk to him. Said he looks young on his website and asked me how old he was. I said I don't know and he's like ask him how old he is. Then we started talking about tv shows we like and which characters in the shows we like. Asked about H and kids this week. Did 2 grounding things at the end, scheduled for next week and left.

He asked what I was longing for. How do you answer that?

Home, family, comfort, safety, love?

Second appointment this week. First, we talked about my mom. She invited me to come to the US for the second time in like a month. I declined the offer last time and still don't want to go. T asked me why I don't want to go. My reasons are that I'm scared of flying, don't think flying is good for the environment, don't feel stable enough to go, and it's just not a good point in time. Plus we would go by ourselves, without my dad. And that doesn't sound great either, my mom doesn't know how to drive and neither do I. T was surprised we both don't know how to drive. He asked me whether my mom didn't learn it because she's scared. I said probably not since she is now getting her license in the US. He still thought it's a fear thing and asked whether she knows how to swim. Then I also mentioned how I wouldn't want to give the TSA officers my passwords and data, so I'd have to get a new PC and phone as well. He asked me whether I couldn't survive without for a week, to which I said I could live without a phone, but without a PC it's boring.
He said sounds like you don't want to go. Then why do I struggle with just telling her? I said I'm scared she'd get sad or angry. And on top of that she thinks it's a present for my graduation, but I'd actually like something else. "Something useful!" - "No, just something I like". He asked whether that was her only reason to invite me. I answered she probably wants me to help her move in or clean the house, but of course she doesn't say that. And she mentioned that I currently have time because I'm not working yet. T said taking off for a week is always possible, even if you have a job. (Actually, he said "even if you manage to find a job", making it sound like for some reason I'll struggle to do so, to which I said "Thanks!")
He also at some point mentioned that it's her issue if she gets upset. Although I'll have to deal with some sort of response if she does.

He mentioned that she asked the same thing a few weeks ago, what did I tell her back then? I said that I don't feel well enough and would rather relax at home. And what was her reply? I wrote her an e-mail, I didn't want to make a call (T said that shows that I'm scared of her reaction). She at some point replied, but only to the rest of the content, she completely ignored the part where I declined her offer.

We discussed how one can make decisions. I said making a list of positives and negatives and weighting them. He said that's one way, but it has downsides because you can find an infinite number of points and not reach a decision at all! I said there's also intuition. He said yes, what that part of me was saying? I said that part also doesn't want to go!
Since it was pretty clear that I don't want to go, we then discussed how I can tell her. I said I'd write to her again, not call. And I'd just tell her that I still don't feel well enough.

I also mentioned that I was scared of her trying to convince me to change my opinion, or rather that she says something like 'It's not that bad, don't exaggerate'. I told him about one time when I was living off-campus with a friend of mine, in an apartment my mom rented for us (in the US, it's not common to live on campus here). One night I was woken up by a woman screaming at the top of her longs. There was some kind of banging sound and she yelled 'stop, stop' for a while. I woke up my friend, who said we should call 911. The cops showed up and everything was resolved, although I have still no idea what happened at all. Anyways, my friend told my mom about it a while later, trying to warn my mom to be careful. My mom answered by telling that friend that I'm always overreacting and it was probably nothing at all, to just not pay attention if I say such things.

T said that it doesn't matter whether it was right or wrong to call the cops. People often have a hard time telling what's correct anyways. What matters is that we made a decision and stand by it.

We changed topic, I said I had trouble sleeping on Wednesday, because of stupid memories. Thursday it was better. He said it's important to not get too consumed by memories. I said yeah, it's usually easy during the day. I can distract myself. But at night I can't. Then it's hard. He gave me some tips to relax at night. Then he asked whether I was relaxed right now. I said yes. His phone rang and he had to turn it off. He said: 'So, you're relaxed, apart from the phone thing? Or do you feel like something might happen?' I replied it's hard to say. I closed my eyes. He asked whether I see anything. I said no. But I'm scared. Because I don't want to think about these things. He told me that's okay, I can decide to do that. We exchanged a sentence or two and I told him I'd like to talk about the memories I had the last two days, but that I'm also scared. He asked whether we want to try to do it together anyways.

I thought about how to start for a while. I said the worst thing in high school was lunchtime. In second grade I was usually by myself, I bought a sandwich from the canteen. Then I would walk through the whole school building, bottom to top, to occupy myself. I could usually only eat about three bites before I felt too sick to continue. A few years later, my school had to change location since our building was being renovated. Then I'd usually go to a local store, buy a sandwich and walk a route that took about 20 minutes to complete. I chose it such that nobody from school would ever walk there. I said I was embarrassed to always eat alone. And sad of course. And it also felt bad because my mom would constantly tell me how it was important to make friends in high school. What hurt the most was not having anyone to talk to at all. Not about my life or problems, just in general. Like if I had read a book I liked, I couldn't share that with anyone. Except for my parents, but who likes to talk to their parents at that age...

He asked whether I never had friends during that time, somebody I was close with? Not really. At first I had that one friend with whom I messed it up. The one where the parents told us we weren't allowed to talk anymore. After that, I had a few groups that let me go out with them for a few weeks, but they all told me to not join them anymore after that. Then after second grade our classes were redistributed (in my country you have all classes with the same people). There, I at first was allowed to spend time with three girls. We weren't really friends, they'd do tons of stuff outside of school together to which I was never invited. But they let me join for lunch. Until they decided they had enough of me after a while. After that I didn't really try to find people anymore since it hurt too much. T said that I probably felt like nobody liked me. He said most kids at some point are left out and alone. But usually not for years. He told me about a time he felt like that, which felt nice because it sounded like he can at least kind of understand.

Then he told me I should imagine that I'm 12 again, but my mind is still as it is now. What would I do? I said I'd take my laptop with me and browse the internet during lunch! He wasn't happy about that answer. He said what about if there were six people sitting in the canteen, they just started lunch, what would I do? I said if I felt like it I'd maybe ask them whether I could join them. He replied why ask, if there's space you could just sit down. I said maybe they don't want me to sit with them. He answered that would be childish and I said you just said I should imagine I'm 12, so all other people are 12 as well, they are literally children... He realized that was an issue, but said that thinking more about the now instead of how it would be as a child, people wouldn't mind. That you can listen to people, make some comments and jokes. You don't have to be friends with everyone immediately, just make small talk.

We talked some more, but I don't remember most of it, it wasn't really important. Then we came to the end of the session. T said "About next Wednesday..." and paused. I started to worry he might say I shouldn't come twice a week anymore, since he initially offered this until I'm feeling a bit better, which I clearly am compared to when he offered. But he just continued to say which time would be best for him and we scheduled for that.

Yeah, probably all of it. And now that I'm thinking probably even things I don't like, or fear.

He was in a weirdly playful mood today... Like I was talking about how I wanted to get rid of all my emotions and wants and needs and not have feelings, and he made some reference to Hal from 2001 A Space Odyssey, which I had not seen, and he laughed while explaining. It was the first time I've heard him laugh in a while because our sessions have been pretty intense and serious lately. He wasn't cracking jokes in the middle of a super serious moment, I was already kind of making fun of myself with like a "that's how it works, right?" about just getting rid of feelings.

Later when reassuring me that he didn't want "to not have to deal with me anymore" he brought up my earlier comments about how there has actually been change/"progress" and I'm handling things differently than I would have six months ago and he was like "that's kinda my gig" which got me to laugh.

There was also some self-disclosure about his personal life which is a very rare occurrence. It was at the end, he made some off handed comment about his daughter having gotten a PhD in psych.
Like to put that in perspective, I think that might be the first time he's mentioned one of his kids and he's never mentioned his wife (I only know they exist because it was in his bio).
That reminded me to ask him something I'd been curious about, why he got a PhD but is doing clinical work, like whether he originally intended to do research or got a PhD with the intent to do clinical work. He said he'd always wanted to do clinical work, but PsyDs weren't nearly as popular back when he did his PhD (a long time ago).

We did talk about some serious stuff. I'd told him in the past that I would consider it morally wrong for someone else to harm me the way I harm myself, like that no one else had the right to do that, whether or not I thought I deserved it. Today he brought up whether I'd think it was wrong for someone else to say the same things to me that I say to myself, like if he said "[Labrat] quit whining so much" and like as he was even saying it hypothetically I curled up and flinched (which he noticed and pointed out, but I think he mistook it as bristling rather than flinching because he was like "see, even as I said that you reacted").
I said I wouldn't think it was okay or right for him to say, but that wouldn't mean that I disagreed with him, and I'd take it as evidence that I was right about myself. And he was like, but wouldn't you be angry? And I said I'd be more angry that he'd sat there acting supportive while actually thinking that the entire time, and that I already struggle with trying to believe that that's not what he's thinking.
I did end up saying that even though I don't rationally believe that he thinks those things, it can still feel true. And I finally asked him whether he wishes I'd just go away (no, and that's where the "it's kinda my gig" comment happened) and whether he thought I was a bad person (he doesn't).
I wish he hadn't said that even hypothetically though. I know he'd never say that, and I know that to him it seems obvious that he'd never say something like that, but just hearing it even as a hypothetical even when I knew he didn't mean it still hurt. That's the part of the session that my brain keeps going back to.
I should probably talk to him about that on Monday :/

T Thursday. Went back and sat down, and he immediately commented on my new shoes (polka dot burgundy Keds). Said he'd never seen any like those before (seemed complimentary). I said where I'd gotten them (online), which led to conversation about online vs. in-store shopping. After a few minutes, I apologized for going on about it. T: "Well, I asked!"

I noticed with relief that he was wearing both his wedding ring (had been missing last two sessions) and fun socks again (the Super Mario ones--he'd had boring solid ones past couple sessions, too).

He thanked me for changing the time today. He said he'd had last minute continuing education thing come up. And it went till noon and was half hour away. T: "So if you'd kept the 12:30, I'd have to see what my Prius could do. Probably not much." It's funny, because early on, I'd indirectly asked what kind of car he drove, but he wouldn't answer. Guess it took a year for him to share that info...I said how H had one, too. And I mentioned my VW (he's seen me get out of it before). T: "BMW?" Me: "Hahahahaha no, VW."

T: "What's on your mind today?" Me: "Well, I realized this week is a year since I've been seeing you." I got teary-eyed. I mentioned how on PC, people called it a "thera-versary," and he smiled. I said it's strange because it feels like I've been seeing him a long time, but saw ex-T for 6 years. I said I guessed maybe because I saw him twice a week? T: "So maybe it feels more like 2 years?" Me: "Or one and a half because I haven't been seeing you that often the whole time."

I said I guess this also means it's a year since I've seen ex-T. That I still feel kind of bad for how I left things with her. T: "Do you miss her?" Me: "Not really, and I feel guilty about that, too." We talked about how, often someone might see a T for a certain reason or stage in their life, then feel that T isn't useful anymore. T: "And you might stop seeing me for that reason, and that would be OK."

I said I guess it had been 5 months since I'd seen ex-MC, too. T: "What would you call that? A... termination...aversary? Yeah, guess there's no good term for it." Me: "No, not really."

I didn't tell him why I was asking this question , but I mentioned about if a client just doesn't show up, what does he think? Me: "I guess I'm wondering, if I didn't show up for a session, would you wonder where I was and if I was OK? Or would you just assume that I had just decided to stop seeing you?" T: "Probably a mix of both." I really wanted to ask if he'd reach out in some way, especially because I always show up, and I text him even if I'm going to be 5 minutes late. I think I may need to ask Monday, just to know.

I brought up a misunderstanding that had happened with friends earlier this week that had left me really upset and wanting to email him. But I said I'd gotten through it without emailing. We discussed general topic of misunderstandings with others. He brought up some times that I've reacted negatively to email responses he's sent. I said I figured those times were mostly me projecting stuff on him. But he said it takes two people, and that it was partly him not being thoughtful enough or being careful enough in his response. Which was nice to hear that he took some responsibility for those times, too.

I said another thing I'd been upset about this week is that I'd left my credit card at a restaurant for the second time in 2 months. And that I felt like a total screw-up, that people just don't do that. Though when I apologized to manager (since I'd also neglected to pay), she just said, "Eh, it happens." I gave reasons why I thought I might have been distracted, and T was like, "Can I be blunt?" Me: "Uh, OK." T: "I think you're just looking for reasons, and I don't think you believe any of those are true." Me: "Uh...I guess?" T: "I think it was just an accident, something that happens." Me: "But I feel like normal people don't do that."

T: "So I had to go to [major chain restaurant] a couple weeks ago to pick up my card that I'd left there. The manager pulled 15 out of the drawer when looking for mine and said those were just from that week, how they shred them after 2 weeks." Me: "Really? OK." T: "Yes, so it's actually pretty common. I probably do that every 2 years or so." Me: "Oh, OK that makes me feel better. I just felt like it was such a stupid mistake." T: "It's just something that happens sometimes."

Me: "I guess I just feel like my mom would have found it unacceptable for me or anyone else to do that. Or to make other mistakes, like the two times in my life I've overdrawn my bank account, once which I realized on a date with this seemingly perfect guy." T: "Your H?" Me: "Haha, no. I mean, this was a guy who seemed to have everything together, who'd apologize for his house being messy when it looked perfect. And whenever he'd come to my apartment, I'd notice some corner I forgot to clean. And later I learned he had an actual list of requirements for a girlfriend, many of which I assume I didn't meet." T: "He sounds very rigid. I'm glad you didn't end up with him." Me: "Me too."

Me: "But I just feel like...my mom has put it in my head that I can't make mistakes, that there's stuff normal people just don't do. Like, the couple times I've locked my keys in the car, once with D in it." T: "Or like when you go out to get the paper, and the door locks behind you and you're standing outside in your bathrobe, locked out?" Me: "Yeah...I guess that's a common story, too." T: "Everyone does stuff like that. It's normal. Just this morning, I'd stopped at [major hardware store] and had too much stuff, so I went over to the entrance to get a cart holding an item and set off the alarm. So it looked like I was trying to steal something." Me: "Yeah I'm sure you looked just like a thief!" T: "Well, I wasn't wearing my tie at the time." Me: "Ah." T: "My point is, everyone does these sorts of things." Me: "OK."

T: "And another example where I inadvertently upset someone. I have a friend who's an artist. And he'd done his bathroom floor in bits of broken tile and mirrors." Me: "A mosaic?" T: "Yeah. And I was there with some other friends to see the new floor. And I made this comment, because of the mirrors, 'Oh this way you can check yourself for lumps and bumps while using the bathroom.' What I didn't know was that one of the guys there had had testicular cancer. So everyone got silent, then someone explained. And I apologized. But stuff like that happens." Me: "And it's not like you knew."

Me: "So...how do I get it out of my head that I'm a screwup when I do them? I guess...one way would be to think what if a friend told me about it. Like I'd say it wasn't a big deal." T: "Yes, that would be one way." Me: "Because I wouldn't be hard on a friend about it, but I'd be hard on myself..." T: "You seem that you'd be so forgiving of a friend, but in a completely different universe with yourself." Me: "Yeah, that's a good way of putting it. I'm much harder on myself than on anyone else." T: "Like I said, they're different universes." Me: "How do I become less hard on myself? I guess that's not an easy answer." I glanced at the time--had like 1 minute left, and T did, too. T: "That's a good topic for future sessions." Me: "Yeah. But what you've said has helped, to realize it's not just me who does this stuff." T: "Good, because it's not."

Confirmed schedule, and I went over to pay, while saying how both my fantasy football teams had won this week. T, shaking my hand, "Good luck with football!" Me: "Thanks!" T: "Have a good weekend." Me: "Thanks, you too."

It had been a good, helpful session. Though I'd been surprised by how much self-disclosure T had done--from the car to all the stories about times he'd messed up. Besides making me feel better about myself, it also made him seem more human to me, not so perfect as he'd seemed at times. Which I think is a good thing, that he's not so far up on the pedestal.

I lock my keys in my car at least twice a year. If I didn't immediately put my card back in my phone (which is the easiest way for me to store it), i'd leave my card EVERYWHERE.

I don't judge myself (too harshly) when I do these, because everyone makes those types of mistakes. It doesn't mean you're failing as an adult.

Thanks, that helps to hear! I locked myself out of my house/car (grabbed a spare key to H's car instead of my set of keys) earlier this year right before session and had to take a cab and get there 25 minutes late. Now I look at my keys carefully to make sure I have right ones before closing the door to the house.


And then a couple years ago, I managed to lock my keys (and purse/phone) in the car with my daughter in it! Thankfully, it was in front of my house, my next-door neighbor was home and let me use their phone to call 911. Nothing makes your mistake more glaring than a fire truck on the street! I was so worried about CPS because, I mean, I left my kid in the car, but it wasn't a hot day (at all), it was an accident, and she didn't seem at all bothered. I have now developed a system to prevent that from happening again--well at least in that exact way, I'm sure I could figure out some other way to do it!

The first week I got my driver's license (as a teen), I locked my keys in the car WITH THE CAR RUNNING. That was good times...

There have been several occasions where I have left the key in the lock of the front door of the apartment and gone to sleep. Anyone could come and open the door and get in. I would find the keys in the morning and be scared about what could have happened.