In Session Today: Part V

I will only lock my car using the button on my key, not the switch on the door. I only lock my door behind me with my key rather than setting it to lock behind me. Any time I'm about to let a door close behind that will lock behind me I have to be touching my keys or if it's keycard actually take my wallet out and look at my card.
It's taken many mistakes over the years to get these habits engrained, and even then I still make mistakes. A few weeks ago I lost a check for $1600 that didn't have a name written in for payee. I put it in my pocket and was immediately going to write in my name once I got home. Got home and couldn't find it. Fortunately the person who wrote it was able to contact their bank and cancel it, but yeah, that could have been a very expensive mistake.

H did that the other day, though I realized when I got home from the store and saw the keys in there. But if it had been at night, yeah...same concerns...

I've done that too

Thursday's session:

After we'd sat down, T warned me that his partner would be arriving at his house at some point, so I might hear her coming in. He said she's also a therapist, so she knows he's with a client and will be quiet and stay out of the way.

He's never mentioned his partner before. I didn't much like her being mentioned (possibly an understatement), but I guess he didn't have a choice. I did hear her come in, and I was glad that I'd been warned. Also now I'm wondering who she is, of course, because I know the face of every therapist in town…

I sat silently and awkwardly for a while, as I often do at the beginning of the session. I was trying to process what he'd just said, and also wondering about what I wanted to say, and whether I was brave enough to do it.

He checked in with me and I told him my mind had gone 'radio static’, which is how I describe it when I get bombarded with too many thoughts and shut down or freeze up.

Eventually I started to talk about the end of last week's session. I said “at the end of last week… I can't remember exactly what you said, but it was something like… that I deserve to be cared for, to be treated with kindness…”

He interjected then, wanting to clarify that when he'd said those things he'd been referring to a conversation we'd had earlier in the session. I knew that, and I wasn't sure why he needed to clarify it, and I started to feel bad, like I'd said something wrong. So I grabbed my sheet (which T keeps in the room for me in case I want to cover myself up, that’s another story I guess) and wrapped myself in it, so that just my face was visible. Whilst I was unfolding it to do that I remarked that I was trying to do it carefully so that it'd be easier to fold up again afterwards, because I'm so rubbish at doing it neatly. He said not to worry, that he'd fold it after I'd gone. I said that I'd noticed how good he is at it. He asked if I was okay with a bit of self-disclosure (stupid question, because of course once he's said that I'm going to have to know) - I felt a bit anxious and said “depends what it is!” followed by “...go on then…”

He said that many years ago he used to work in a laundry on an oil rig.

I laughed at that… said that I'd noted his folding ability, but not guessed that was where his skill had come from.

I felt a bit safer now that I was under the sheet, and because we'd laughed together a bit. I explained that when he'd said I was worthy of care and kindness, I thought it should have felt good, I wish it had felt good… but it didn't. Part of me had felt very angry.

He said that he really believed it, that it had been important to him to say it. He apologised if that was… I think he said 're-offending’... that part of me. I was feeling more anger rise in me, and said that he was.

We talked about what my reaction might mean, why that part of me might feel angry. I said I had been thinking about it all week and hadn't quite worked it out. I thought it might be about not believing him, but that was confusing to me because on one level I believe that I'm as worthy of care and kindness as anyone else is.

He interjected again and said that he wanted to be clear that when he'd said it he wasn't referring to everyone in general, but specifically to me. Hearing that was like I'd had enough. I started to cry. I shook my head. I said “I don't believe you.”

He asked if I didn't believe that he meant it, or if I just didn't believe it was really true. I had to think about that for a minute. I said that I was pretty sure that I believed he meant it. I just felt that it wasn't true. I felt that he was wrong. He said he was glad that I believed he meant it.

I tried to describe what had happened just then… it had been like the black ball of shame and hate deep inside me had been stirred up, and it had just said… “f*** off”.

He said something therapisty like “what would it be like to really express that to me?”

So I took a moment to really get in touch with the angry part of me... and then I looked him in the eye... and told him to f*** off.

So that was fun. Unfortunately that part of me kind of took over then and I started to feel really really bad. Self-destructive. I think it was around now, in a moment of silence, that I heard his partner come in. I stayed silent until I was sure she’d gone to a different part of the house.



I can’t remember exactly what went on after this. I think there was a fairly long period of silence. Then we talked about some of my feelings about having to leave him soon, and how I’m also still trying to deny the reality of it a bit.

He commented something like “I bet C [new T] doesn’t have a sheet for you to cover yourself in!” I laughed and said no, he doesn’t - though I did mention it to him… T looked slightly embarrassed when I said that, kinda bashful… I’m not sure why. Is he wondering what another T thought of his ‘unconventional’ methods?

I continued, saying that although he doesn’t have anything for me to cover myself in, I really like the room that C works from. It has a couple of seating options, and some really nice cushions. I took that opportunity to take the piss out of T a bit, telling him how rubbish his cushions are and how I’d always hated them. He took this in the spirit it was intended, I think, but he also said that he has nicer cushions elsewhere in the house, and offered to get some for me! I declined, though I thought it was sweet of him to offer. He reflected that perhaps his trying to get me cushions was another way of trying to show me that I am worthy of care.

It was coming towards the end of the session. I picked up my glass of water and it dripped on my lap - it always ends up sitting in a pool of condensation on the glass table so this is a common occurrence. I said “this is what happens when you don’t have coasters!” - a reference to a complaint I’d made very early on in our work together. He laughed and said he was sorry about his lack of coasters, and his rubbish cushions… and I said “but nothing is as bad as the fake cupboard door…!”

I’m realising that whole paragraph probably makes very little sense to anyone. And that’s because apparently me and my T have ‘in-jokes’ now.

I am going to miss him so f***ing much.

shortly after we got a car that has a push-button start, i went to t's and left it running (forgot to push the button to shut if off) for my whole session. Oops. I guess that would have made for a quick get-a-way haha

I love hearing about my T flaws and that he can screw up too. And btw I work at a place where people leave their credit cards almost daily, and it’s not a big deal to anyone. People do all kinds of weird things, especially when their mind is all over the place. Once I was baffled when this elderly man left his walker behind but usually people don’t put as much thought into those things as we do.

Oh - and at one point T asked when I had been at the eye hospital (he knew I'd been earlier that day) - I said that afternoon, and asked why, and he said my pupils were different sizes.

HAH. That happens when the dilating eye drops are wearing off sometimes. I guess he found it kind of disconcerting.

I hate those cars!! In MY day, we had to get out and crank the horse's tail, and we LIKED it! Seriously, it takes more coordination than i have to push the brake and the start button at the same time. What am i, from cirque du soleil? Is this to stop drunk people from driving?

I almost completely shut down today during my session with T2. It started off okay until he asked how my session with EMDR went. I said I told EMDR T about how the behavioral health lady from my doctor's office and T2 agree that it's counterproductive to see 2 Ts at the same time. Told him that EMDR T disagrees and that's the jist of what we discussed during our session other than celebrities. T2 then started saying that he thinks the decision needs to made soon to continue with whichever T I choose. He said if him and I continue to work together that he definitely thinks I need to come in more than twice a week right now but he saus he's not sure how much more...we kind of settled on 3 while we were discussing it. He asked if I think Emdr T is helpful and if I wanted to keep seeing him...he said I coild say I wanted to keep seeing emdr T but didn't get the sense that I do. I told that after last session with EMDR T that I didn't think the session was helpful but I like the additional support during the week and I don't want to burn any bridges by ghosting Emdr T and not feeling like a crap person. He asked why do I worry about burning bridges and how previously relationships have ended for me. I said I just didn't want to burn bridges in case I ever decided to go back to him for Emdr in the future because I dont know of many Ts that accept my insurance and do emdr around. T then made a statement about differentiating social and professional relationships about how I worry about upsetting people, burning bridges etc. I couldn't think straight about how to explain it but it really comes down to worrying that if I end things with Emdr T and then T2 terminates me for some reason, then I'm left without any professional support again and would have to completely start at square 1. I was there at the beginning of the summer looking for MC and T on my own because our old MC/T left and never referred me to anyone else. I was so upset and overwhelmed at the end of the session that I SH in the car before I went home.

T today. As he retrieved me I realized we were both wearing stripes. Went back and sat down, brief conversation about the rainy weather. Then T, somewhat randomly, said (greeting-like): "Hey." Me: "Uh, hi." T: "How are you?" Me: "Doing OK."

I said there was something from last session I wanted to ask about. T: "OK." Me: "I wanted to ask before, but I was kind of afraid of your answer." T: "That's kind of a setup, but OK." Me: "I was asking what you'd think if I didn't show up. I mean, I don't plan to do that, but...I guess I was wondering what would happen if didn't. Would you try to contact me?" T: "Well, you're so reliable, like I can time you to the minute. So if you were even 5 minutes late, I'd probably text to ask if you were running late." Me: "Oh, OK. So...out of curiosity, what if I didn't respond to that?" T: "Well, I might give it 24, maybe 48 hours. But I'd try to contact you again. I'd probably call this time. To see if you were OK." Me: "OK, that makes me feel better. I was afraid you'd just be like, 'Oh well, I guess LT isn't coming back!' and cancel any scheduled sessions."

T: "No, I'd check in with you. Because I know you well enough to know that you wouldn't just not show up without contacting me. I'd wonder if I'd made a mistake on my schedule." Me: "OK, because even if I was mad at you, I wouldn't just not show up." T: "I know, because you'd probably be eaten alive by guilt." Me: "Yeah. So, I guess...I mean, honestly part of why I brought this up before was an article I'd read. Where a client was really reliable and then one day didn't show up. So the T tried to contact her and find out what happened. And it turned out...uh...something bad had happened to her. So...I guess I was just wondering, if you'd try to find out if I was OK." T: "Of course I'd try to find out if you were OK." Me: "OK, good. I guess I was afraid...I don't know, that you'd just send me an email with an invoice saying that I owed you $175 for the missed session." T: "I'd never lead with that." Me: "OK, good."

For some reason, football came up. I mentioned about how my fantasy team had done. Then I was like, "I have about 5 things I could maybe talk about today." T: "Was football one of them?" Me: "Well, no...so, OK, moving on!"

I mentioned how H said he'd run into ex-MC the previous weekend. And for him it wasn't a big deal at all, but I imagine it would have been for me. That they had a brief exchange. I said since H and I often hang out in the city where T lives, I imagined there was a chance I could run into him at some point. And...I assumed he would wait for me to make contact, because that seems the typical rule? He said not the rule for everyone, but generally the case. That he tends to run into former or current clients every few weeks. And it can feel a bit awkward for him. Especially if it's someone he hasn't seen in a while or that he only saw briefly.

He also said he tends not to be overly aware of the people around him if he's doing a task, like if he's grocery shopping, he's focused on the oranges and apples and lettuce. That maybe I'd be there in the store, but I'm not lettuce, so he might not notice me. I asked what if I said hi, and he said he'd respond to a signal like that, just that he otherwise might not notice. I said I tend to be like that, too, when I'm out. Or if I see someone out of context, it's hard for me to sort of process who they are. He said same for him, the trouble pulling faces and names. I said, "But you'd recognize a current client, right?" T: "Yes, definitely." That it's more people he saw briefly or parents of a teen he sees.

I mentioned ex-MC again. Said I was going to a concert later this week by the same band I'd seen the night I wrote him the fateful "I love you" email. I said there are songs of theirs that I associate with him, even though it probably wouldn't make any sense hearing the lyrics. How one of them I just used to listen to when I left his office for some reason, so I associate it with him. T: "That makes sense." Me: "So I feel in a way like this concert is a test, if I can handle it, because one of those songs they always play in the encore. But I'll be with H, so I think I should be OK." T: "Maybe don't drink too much there." Me: "Yeah..."

I asked if T wanted to discuss the email more from the other day. Where I'd reflected on the year I'd been seeing him and he'd replied that he was proud of me for what I'd accomplished and saw "a budding strength" in me. I said it felt good to hear him say he thought I was doing better and that it validated my thoughts. He said he'd wanted to mention before that he thought I was making progress, but hesitated to do so without my saying anything. He said since I said it, he felt OK confirming it. T: "I didn't want to say it before because I was afraid if you thought I was proud of how you were doing, you might want me to keep feeling that way. So maybe if you weren't doing as well as I thought you were, you'd be reluctant to tell me." Me: "Like, I'd want to be the good client?" T: "Yes, like that." Me: "And please you?" T: "Yes, that's what I was concerned about. So that's why I didn't say anything." Me: "I thought you were going to go in a different direction. That you were concerned if you said I was doing well, I'd think you wanted me to come less often. Or to stop coming at all." T: "I hadn't thought of that, but it makes sense, too."

Me: "The thing is...I was thinking about it, and I'm not sure if ex-T ever really said she was proud of me? Or that she thought I'd made a lot of progress. Part of what made me leave in the end was she was saying how I still struggled with anxiety and depression, and it felt like she thought I hadn't made progress. While I thought I'd made a lot of progress. So it was really hard for me." T: "I can imagine." Me: "But the thing is, I mean, I'm probably going to struggle with anxiety and depression in some level my whole life, right? It's not realistic to expect it to go away, it's more about finding ways to cope.Right?" T: "yes, as I've said, you're a 'double dipper' (genetic and socialized for anxiety/depression). So it's not like it will just go away. You may learn to cope with it at a level that you might not think about it for months or even years. But it may still be there. It's not the same as someone who hasn't had mental health issues before who suddenly has to deal with something in life--they could fully bounce back." Me: "Yeah...but it was hard to think she felt I should have improved more. It felt kind of like I was a failure..."

T: "I'm curious as to how you feel about your whole experience with her." Me: "Hm...Well, I think she really helped me with anxiety in the first few years. But then once the transference with ex-MC started...I don't know. I feel like she didn't know how to deal with that." T: "It was probably more complicated that she worked with him, that he was her colleague and friend." Me: "And technically boss..." T: "Yeah, and they worked spitting distance from each other--I don't know why they say 'spitting distance.' It probably would have been better to have been seeing someone outside of that, who had distance from it." Me: "Yeah...and some people said when I opted to see you, once I learned that you used to work with them--apparently I should have studied your CV!--but they said you were probably too close, too."

Talked about how ex-T would be critical of ex-MC. Like I'd tell her how a phone call from him helped me, and then she'd say, "He shouldn't be talking to you on the phone." And that would feel hurtful to me, because it was like, did I not deserve for him to care about/help me in that way? And how once I was like, "I probably shouldn't tell you how long we talked on the phone," and she said, "I don't want to know." T said he understood how that was difficult for me. I said I felt she should have dealt with it on her own. T: "Or gone to ex-MC and said, 'What the f*** are you doing?'" Me: "Yeah..."

I said was likely complicated, too, because I was expressing my preference for ex-MC to ex-T. Like listening more to what he said, trusting him more. How maybe that was hard for her. I also mentioned how she just randomly suggested at one point that I go into the hospital, and I didn't even think I was doing that badly then. I said how later when i questioned that, she said she felt she'd gotten too close to me and maybe wasn't being objective, so she was trying to distance herself more. T seemed to understand how the hospital suggestion would upset me. T: "In the time I've been seeing you, I've never felt you needed to be hospitalized." Me: "Thanks. But even when the stuff was first happening with ex-MC and the email? I was in a pretty bad place then." T: "Yes, you were pretty distraught, but I didn't feel you were in danger." Me: "Yes, I guess you were right."

I said how I felt at first, he was sort of siding with ex-MC, how it was difficult for me. T said he didn't want to be too critical of him because I probably had some good stuff come out of that relationship, too. And he didn't want to taint that or take the positive parts away from me. I said there were definitely good parts, and I hadn't thought of it in that way regarding his reaction.

Was about end of session. Me: "So I realized something. For the past month or so, I've been able to talk about ex-MC in here without crying." [I start tearing up.] "Great, now I'm starting to cry!" T: "I think that shows the progress you've made in your grief." Me: "Yeah." (appreciating that he refers to it as "grief" because that's what it is).

Me: "I know we have to stop, but I do appreciate you saying you're proud of me. I understand why you didn't say it before, but I'm glad you said it now." T just smiled.

Confirmed Thursday. T: "The next week will be weird for me." He said he'd only be in office Mon. and Tues., "but that's the only session I should miss in October." I opted for Tuesday. Went over to pay and commented how I hoped it wasn't raining, because I thought I had umbrella in the car but didn't. T: "I finally bought an umbrella the other day. They're only like $5, I don't know why I didn't just buy one." Me: "Yeah." Shook hands as T said, "Good luck out there!" Me: "You, too." T: "Maybe it will be sunny for next session." Me: "Maybe?" T: "Take care." Me: "You, too."

It is difficult to treat therapists as if they are not human beings.

Are they not men, with senses, affections and passions? If we prick them, do they not bleed?

I never found it all that difficult. When they are playing therapist, I don't believe they are wanting to be human.

Met with T yesterday morning. It was a nice fall type day so we decided to walk . My sessions are going well again
I feel t and I have been thru various and fairly frequent ruptures this year and its been hard on me.

But I'm doing okay in life right now besides being in a lot of pain from my car wreck and my numb hands from carpal tunnel issues

Anyway I'm glad t and I are okay again

When I began the session sitting on the floor with my back to the wall and hugging my knees he asked if this was going to be a regular thing now (this was like the fourth time). The first couple times he didn't seem to really understand it, thinking I didn't think I was worth sitting in the chair or something? Like that I was denying myself the comfort of the chair. It's not even a comfortable chair. I told him it made me feel safe and he asked from what. But this time he asked if it was because I could hug my knees and I said yes. I told him I used to do it when I was a kid alone in my room at night when I was sad, and that it was a "self soothing" thing (he's been trying to get me to do self soothing stuff). He seemed to kind of accept it and "get it" a bit more.

He said he wanted to bring up the disclosure he'd made at the end of the last session about his daughter, and that afterwords he'd realized that that might have been a mistake and he wanted to apologize because he knew how important boundaries were to me, especially because of therapists in the past telling me way too much. I told him I'd noted it as unusual, but that it hadn't bothered me. I said it would bother me if it was all the time, but that it wasn't the type of disclosure that would really bother me. It wasn't about him/his feelings or something that made me feel like I needed to protect him or whatever. That with him I didn't worry about needing to protect him because I was able to trust him to be responsible for and handle his own s**t.

Part of me was bothered by him apologizing because it had felt kind of nice that after 9 months of working together he'd trusted me with a tiny piece of information about his personal life, and now he was saying that that was a mistake. But I also appreciated that the apology meant that the boundaries he has about these kinds of things are for my sake, not because he is completely detached or I'm not important/good enough to be "allowed" to have looser boundaries or that it's some kind of punishment (?) or response to my attachment because my attachment is bad and wrong and not allowed.

I made some reference to remembering stuff and what happened and all that. He asked what I meant by "it" or something. I don't remember how exactly he phrased it, but it seemed like he thought I might mean

I clarified that I just meant like specifics of what my father did rather than just the vague undefined "I know he was a jerk to me and emotionally/verbally abusive, but I can't really explain how because I don't remember specifics" thing. Like that I'd forgotten that a lot of our arguments were when he'd accuse me of something I didn't do and punish me until I "admitted" to it, and if I didn't then I got in even more trouble for "disrespect" and "disobedience." I also forgot about him getting drunk at night and being really really strict about "lights off" and how much trouble I'd get in if I had my light on or got out of bed after 9pm. Stuff like that.

We talked about the intense emotional reactions I'd originally had to remembering stuff. I said it didn't make sense. There was disgust with myself and I felt really strong anger/frustration that wasn't really directed at anything in particular and I wanted to scream and punch things and I felt dirty and wrong and gross and like no one should be able to bear to look at me and I wanted to claw all my own skin off.
He said something like that that must have been really painful to feel that way. He seemed to genuinely think so/care. I kind of shrugged it off, and he pointed out my pattern of tending to discount and minimize my own distress.
I told him that after those super intense reactions now for like the past week I've just felt emotionally detached from all of it again, and I didn't know what that meant. Does it mean it wasn't really a big deal? He didn't really give me an answer on that.

We talked about how when I'd been younger I hadn't hated myself. SH was "self soothing," not about punishing myself. It made me feel better. He said something like that I must have been in a lot of pain for that to be something to make myself feel better.

I brought up the idea of taking SH off the table. He'd asked me last time if I was ready to do so. I told him I wasn't. I couldn't really explain why. I said that it would feel "alone" but I couldn't explain what that meant. I said that when he'd terminate to get me to go do DBT it had felt like being sent off to be fixed before he'd be willing to put up with me, like sending a disobedient kid off to boarding school to get someone else to train them to be obedient. That it made me feel like I wasn't good enough. He reminded me that he'd done it because he didn't have the background to help me with DBT type stuff that he thought I needed and pointed out that those skills had been helpful for me, all of which I already knew. And he said something about self compassion, blah blah blah.

That sounds like a really difficult session. I wanted to say that I really identify with the part I quoted here (kept it under trigger warning to be safe). I have these same fears and feelings about my T. After what happened with ex-MC--and T saying that I should have expected a strong reaction after telling ex-MC I loved him--I feel like I have to hide my feelings. At this point, I love T, and I feel I could never tell him that. And I hate that. From stuff with ex-MC and other stuff from my past, I feel like my loving someone is some scary thing that I have to keep under wraps or risk losing them (I was terrified when I first realized I loved H, for example). Like my love is a poison almost, or at least a threat.

I felt strong caring in T's eyes yesterday, maybe even bordering on love? But that scares me, because if it's there...then it could go away. I could do something to make it go away. Because I also got that from ex-MC... I also fear the asking for too much, needing too much. I've already pushed too much once or twice with email. (And the whole stone thing.) But then yesterday, he was saying that I talked about one time a couple months ago that I didn't email him, because I feared being too much, and he said (yesterday) that I did myself a disservice then, how I should have just emailed. But I don't think he realizes what the fear is like... The line may be very clear in his head, but I can't see it. I don't know when I might cross it, so I tend to err on the side of maybe staying too far back from it. Or getting close, then being like "Oh no" and running away. He says he'll be honest with me (and has been) if anything is anywhere approaching too much, and I don't think he understands how scary that is for me.

Anyway, sorry to derail there...I think I need to discuss some of this with him (minus the love part of course). And maybe it would help you to discuss some of these thoughts/fears with your T as well?

I really related to the stone thing. It was the kind of thing I would have wanted to ask for/would have felt, and the reaction was exactly the reaction I'm terrified of getting. I'm glad your T was able to eventually understand better and be okay with it, but I'm sorry he reacted that way in the first place and I can only imagine how hurtful that must have been.
It's where a lot of my shame comes from, like if he knew he wouldn't even be able to look at me without being disgusted, would be horrified by it. He says it's okay to be vulnerable and want to be cared about, etc, and that it's understandable that I wanted my mom to be there and comfort me when I was a kid, but he's not my parent and I'm an adult now and I'm scared of the reaction that that's not what he meant and it's different and unacceptable.
And I'm probably catastrophizing. I wrote a note like a few weeks or a month ago (because I couldn't say it aloud) about wanting too much from him, it being shameful and disgusting, etc. and he thanked me for trusting him and said it must have been really hard for me to tell him that and was super understanding/validating/nonjudgmental, and a few sentences into it it became clear that he thought I meant erotic/romantic transference and I was like nooooo, that's definitely not what I meant (I don't judge others for ET, it's just not something I have with him and with my much more parental type transference and the child-like place that it comes from it's kind of a squick to think about the idea of feeling that way about him). But I still haven't been able to tell him exactly what I want from him other than I want him to care about me.

I keep thinking back to very early on, before the whole termination thing in May, when I asked him if I could show him my self harm scars (upper arms, not like taking my clothes off). He thought about it and then said he didn't think it would be a good idea based on what I'd told him before about wanting other people to "react" to it and seem bothered by it, and that he was worried that however he responded/reacted I would find a way to use it against myself or something (I don't remember how exactly he phrased it). He was right to say no, and I appreciate that he thought about it and thought about what would be in my best interests.
And, at the same time, it really really stung to be told no and I felt guilty and ashamed for asking for something that I shouldn't have asked for and for having wanted him to care and for having thought he might have some kind of reaction to seeing my scars. (He's seen them since then because it's been hot and I've worn shorter sleeves at times, but I wasn't really trying to scrutinize him for a reaction, mostly because he probably would have been able to tell and that wasn't something I was "supposed to"/"allowed to" do.)
And I don't want to have something like that happen again. I want to have learned my lesson. I don't want to make the same mistake twice. I don't want to ask for too much again.

Thank you for responding. I don't see it as derailing, I really appreciate that I'm not the only one and it helps me feel less ashamed because I don't think it's something you should have to feel ashamed for, like the whole "what would you say to someone else in the same position" kind of thing.

Just had a pretty bizarre session (or really, lack of session). I showed up, started talking about something complicated that happened over the weekend that reminded me of something I've been working on in therapy. And then after about 5 minutes, suddenly these incredibly loud noises (power tools, constant hammering) start up that are so disruptive that my therapist and I can barely hear one another. He apologized profusely and went out to investigate; turns out there's construction happening in the building's hallway right up against his office wall, and they're not willing to stop. So he apologizes some more and says we should stop the session, at which point the noise stops. We keep going, but the noise starts up again. We gave up and I left, feeling pretty angry about the whole situation. Not my therapist's fault, but it felt intensely frustrating to do all the work of getting there and beginning to open up, only to get cut off and have to leave after 10 minutes.

Most of the other Ts working in my Ts practice seemed to be in today. Could hear lots of chatter while waiting. Kind of wondered what people think of my sessions compared to what they seem to do, I think at least half of my sessions are usually just filled with silence and sobbing/crying.

Anyways, T came and we went to his office. I said I had a question before we start. I'll have to get a job soon, probably in the town where my partner lives. But that will mean that I will not live in the same 'state' as my T works anymore. And I didn't know how it works with insurance, whether I would be still allowed to see him in this situation. T said it shouldn't be a problem. We are free to choose doctors from all over the country here, apparently. He asked whether I planned on working in that city then? I said yes. T mentioned that it would mean I have to travel more to see him and I replied that I'm doing that journey already anyways, I only live in Ts town on paper. And I like the commute, I can think about what to discuss on the way there, and write my notes on the way back.

So, my week, my SO has a week off currently. On Saturday we got way too high and threw up all over our apartment. T laughed and mentioned how our dose was a bit high. Then I told him how last night we fought because I couldn't fall asleep. I got angry and woke up my partner in my rage, which he wasn't happy about. But otherwise it's going fine for the most part. Other than he mentioned on the weekend that he ignores my emotions because I have too many. T asked for an example. I said on Sunday I was sad, I don't remember the reason, but there was one. And my partner wouldn't hug me or talk to me or similar, he just ignores it. T said some people do that, it's his way of coping. How that doesn't mean he doesn't care. That maybe he gets sad when I am sad, that that would show empathy and caring as well. It doesn't have to be a hug. I nodded. Then T said people in relationships often get angry. I said I don't know whether that's the case. T said he thinks so, that it's normal. That it doesn't mean that the people in the relationship don't like each other anymore.

I mentioned I had written to my mom about her invitation to a trip to the US. T asked what I had written. I wrote that I don't feel well enough currently and that I'd rather not go. What was her reply? I don't know, I'm now scared to check my e-mails... T asked what she might reply? I said that I also gave some suggestions for a place to eat together in a few weeks. Mom will probably reply to that part and ignore the rest. He asked does that mean she'd be a bit upset? I nodded. He said how I need to tolerate that feeling that she might be mad or upset. But I also need to have faith that she can do the same, she can tolerate these feelings. Just like I'm learning to cope and how to self-sooth when I'm sad, she can do that too.

I said how I had missed him a lot yesterday, but we didn't go into that bit really.

I started hugging my jacked and closed my eyes. T asked what was going on. I said I'm sad. He wanted to know what was making me sad. I said I don't really know... I'm thinking about stuff, but I wasn't thinking those things when I first became sad. He said that doesn't matter, what is it? I replied I'm scared because I feel alone. T said that's probably because of all the trauma around being alone. What does 'being alone' mean to me? I said it means sadness, fear, having nobody who comforts you. He asked whether there was more. I said it means having nobody who listens to anything, to what I experienced today or how I feel. And I can't listen to anyone telling me those things about themselves either. He asked whether my partner is interessted in those things, to which I replied it depends. He likes my hobbies, but my feelings not so much. T said some people show love differently, they don't buy you flowers or hug you all the time, but they still love you. And since we've already been together for a few years, probably my partner likes me, he just shows it differently.

After some silence, I said I feel like I don't have any friends, my boyfriend hates me and my family does too. T asked whether I feel it's bad if people are angry with me. I nodded. Because people leave when they are mad? Yes! He asked more about what happened tonight with my partner. What happened exactly? I told him that I went to bed around 1 am, while my partner stayed awake for some more time until about 3:30. I woke up as he got into bed, went to the bathroom and we snuggled a bit before I tried to sleep again. But I couldn't fall asleep, shifted around a lot, drank some water and had to pee some more because of that. And at some point after like 1.5 hours I started to kick my blanket and rage about how I can't sleep, which woke up my boyfriend and made him mad. T said it was pretty obvious he'd get mad. I said yes, I'd get mad as well! Then we discussed how we've already been in a relationship for six years and how sometimes people get angry, that it's normal. I said I think with me it's more than in a normal relationship, to which T agreed. But he said that everyone has their issues and that my partner probably isn't the easiest person to deal with either.

Then we talked about some of my friends and how I could get into contact with some of them to make me feel less alone.

I started crying again, T brought me a tissue. He asked again what made me sad. I said I didn't know and he told me to just try to feel the emotion, to try to figure out where it comes from. I said I'm upset that I always have to be so scared. That everything is harder because of it. I just want to be normal and have relationships like everyone else. T said I'm allowed to be sad about that. That it's even good, that it is healing. He agreed that life sometimes sucks and that it's not nice to live like this. And said I can be sad about that, to just let myself be sad. Then I cried for a while, tried to feel that I'm sad and about what. Sometimes it was hard to feel, sometimes it worked. Then at some point T helped me calm down since we were nearing the end of the session. When I was more or less calm, he said he thinks it's better to stop here and confirmed with me that we will see on Friday.

I was not really looking forward to my therapists session today. I didn't really know what to say today. I kind of failed the exercises he suggested me to do. Previous sessions we worked out very well the problems I'm facing. It's mainly anxiety and the only way to face that anxiety is to confront it. Feel it. Not avoiding it. But I've been avoiding again.

My therapist made clear that I'm the only one we can change that. I have to stop avoiding. It's not something I can change in the therapist office. I have to do it in real life. Start practicing it.

Next session will be in two months. I'm starting a new job on Monday. We'll be evaluating then how things went. I have to make new social contacts to expand my social network here. We'll be evaluating then.

Followed up from Monday in our session today. Told him that I SH after our session in Monday because of what we talked about. He asked if he caused mr to be upset and I told him no, that it came from the fear that if I drop Emdr T and then he terminates with me, then I'll be stuck without any professional help. He asked if that's something I worry about and I said yes that I worry I'll be too much for one T to deal with and they'll say that they can't help me. He asked if I worry about myself disappearing if I get upset during therapy instead of discussing it with him. I told him I have ghosted people before but on the other hand I've stuck with a T I really liked for 3 years and our old mc for 18 months for marriage therapy. He said that he's not going to make the decision for me about what to do about seeing him vs seeing EMDR T, but said that if I decide to see him that he wants to try 3 times a week. He did say that I can decide to see emdr T and do whatever work I want to with him and then call him whenever I'm done. I told him I'd much rather try it out with him and see how it goes, but that terminating with Emdr will be a hard thing to do. He also said something about that my medical care also has to be a priority and that we need to talk about me missing my appointments because it affects my mental health as well...I think he was talking about seeing the Dr about the SH but I didn't clarify. I told him I see EMDR T tomorrow and will have the discussion about terminating with him then. We set up our 3rd session starting next week and he said to call him if I wanted or needed to before Monday even though he knows I'm uncomfortable about being a bother. I'm just not sure how I feel after today's session. It's not lile Emdr t is super helpful besides that I know that I can reach out to him and email him between sessions but I have never terminated with a T without it being their decision or by me just ghosting them. I don't know how tomorrow's session will go with emdr and I'm so nervous.

Well I did it...I made a decision and ended it with my Emdr T. I went into session today and he said he had called and left my T2 a message but didn't hear back yet. Told me that he's okay with seeing me at the same time as T2 because insurance allows it and as long as we worked on different issues. Asked what T2 and I have discussed about it and I told him that T2 wanted me to make a decision about who to continue with and because we weren't able to do Emdr currently that I'd like to try it out with T2 only. We talked about down the line that I can always reach him and start back up again if my H moves out or a long time goes by where I actually trust H to not continue with the SA. Said he really enjoyed working with me and that I'm motivated etc etc. Also made a comment that he thinks if it weren't for my PCP getting involved then the whole thing with seeing 2 Ts probably wouldn't have been an issue. But it's done and I just feel weird now...just numb and hoping that T2 is worth this decision.

A snippet from today (paraphrased for the sake of brevity and memory)....

Me: I feel....(long pause)...I'm trying to come up with a non-judgmental word, but I can't. I feel stupid for expecting that things had changed, even a little.

T: Hopeful. You felt hopeful. Hope is a good thing to feel. It's hard to let go of.

Me: (start crying, can't speak)

((Socks)) you aren't stupid for hoping.

T yesterday--Talked about assorted stuff in the beginning. Then a bit about ex-MC since I'm seeing the concert this weekend of the same band I saw the night I sent the "I love you so much" email. T asked if I'd emailed ex-MC recently, like in relation to that. Me: "No, I'm trying to avoid emailing him." T: "Why are you trying to avoid it?" Me: "Uh, because I'm a former client and don't know if it's OK." T: "So you're concerned about crossing a boundary?" Me: "Yes. And that he'll say I can't email anymore." T: "Oh OK." I also was thinking, isn't it bad for me to stay in contact with him for other reasons? But didn't say that...

I said how I felt I hadn't been discussing the therapeutic relationship with himas much lately--had he noticed that, too? He said he had. T: "I wasn't sure if it was because you made a conscious choice to do that or just didn't feel the need to. Like maybe it's just because I hadn't tipped the apple cart lately." Me: "Yeah, it may partly be because you haven't f***ed up lately." T: "I went with 'tip the apple cart,' but we can go with 'f***ed up' if you prefer." Me: "OK. the thing is, there are some things I want to discuss about it, but I feel like things are going well here between us, and I don't want to mess them up. But then..."

T: "It's OK to talk about it. What did you want to discuss?" Me: "Uh..." I went on to say something about feeling connected to him lately and how that scared me a bit and...I forget what else. T: "I don't want to sound arrogant, but I've probably had clients who had romantic feelings for me who didn't tell me. But for those who did tell me, we were able to continue working together. Unless they were aggressively trying to push my boundaries." Me: "...........Uh, that's not what I was going to talk about. I don't have romantic feelings for you." T: "Oh. OK."

I think...I tried to explain what I meant by the connection thing? Parts of this are a bit hazy because I was trying to process what he'd just said. I know I used the word "connected" in there in trying to explain it, and he was like, "dependent?" I said, "Maybe a bit, but that's not what I mean..."

I said I wanted to feel like I could tell him anything, but I felt like he suggested I shouldn't tell him certain things. T: "If I gave that impression, I didn't mean to." Me: "Like about looking at your photo when you were out of town. You implied I shouldn't have told you that." T: "but it was OK that you did. It didn't hurt our relationship." Me: "Yeah, but if I do that again, then if feels like I'm doing something wrong. Like if it's something you don't want to know about." T: "You're not doing anything wrong."

Me (crying): "Or like with the stone--the current one. The other day, I was feeling really sad. Tried talking to friends, thought about emailing you, but held stone instead. And it helped. But I feel like I'm not supposed to tell you that, that it will weird you out." T: "When I let you have a stone again, I assumed you would be holding it some." Me: "OK, but I thought maybe it was sort of an agreement, that it was OK, as long as I didn't tell you about it." T: "I didn't mean to imply that." Me: "OK."

Me: "But I just assumed that because of your reaction to the original stone. I'm sorry to keep bringing that up." T: "But we worked through that. The relationship survived. We may not have agreed about everything, but it was OK." Me: "I mean, you didn't terminate me, but..." T: "In fact, I don't know if you'd agree, but I feel that it ultimately made our relationship stronger." Me: "..." "Because we worked through the conflict." Me: "But I felt shamed, and it made me afraid to tell you things... so I don't see how that made the relationship stronger." I forget what he said to that.

Right near the end, I got out this thing I had scribbled on my list of notes. Me: "Basically, I guess, what I'm wondering is...What would make you stop caring?" T: "Goodness, LT." Me: "I know that's probably not a fair question. But i just worry I'm going to do something to make you stop caring." T: "It would have to be something pretty major, like a threat, or crossing a boundary. Not asking about or clarifying boundaries--that's fine." Me: "Right, OK." T: "Or not respecting my opinion on something." Me: "What? That would make you stop caring?" T: "Just for a little bit, not permanently. It could happen with a partner, too, like with my wife." Me: "..." T: "You'd probably react that way, too, with the compassion drying up for a bit." Me: "Uh, not really."

I used up last tissue in box and had to walk across room to get another tissue because I started crying again. We went right up to a minute before the hour ended. I said he'd probably be getting an email. He said he figured that, was OK. "You know my policy." Me: "Really, I don't. We need to discuss that more at another session." Scheduled, he reminded him about his being away most of next week. Me: "I know." Scheduled for the Monday he's back and that Thursday.

Went over to pay. T: "I just want you to know that all is well on my end. I know you may be worried, but I feel fine about everything we discussed today." Me: "Thanks for saying that. I'll still be emailing you." T: "That's OK." Me: "The question is, do I send something tonight or wait to see what comes up from the concert?" T: "If you need to send a few emails, that's fine, too." Me: "OK, thanks." Shook hands, think he said "Good luck out there" and to have fun at concert. Me: "Thanks."

Emailed him last night, asked if he had any availability today. Seeing him in a half hour.

Last night's session was pretty stupid. I cried a lot. I found it hard to express myself. There was a long period of 'radio static'.

I did manage to tell T about a dream I'd had about him, and we talked some about what would happen if I see him at therapy training events in the future. He said he would follow my lead in terms of how much he'd interact with me. It really hurt me to think of seeing him like that - how he'd be so close and yet so far away. I hope it doesn't happen. Or would it be worth it just to see him?

He passed me the box of tissues again (third time he's done that) and we discussed it a bit. I told him about the time that T1 had done it and what my thoughts had been then. He (again) said he wasn't quite sure what had been going on for him in the moment. Just that I'd seemed so incredibly sad and he'd really felt it.

At the end of the session I put my shoes back on and started to incredibly slowly tie my shoelaces. After a bit of struggling I realised what I was doing and remarked on it - "wow, I've never taken this long to put my shoes on before..."

T laughed and said he'd thought he was about to witness something entirely unique - a person tying a shoelace with one hand. I hadn't even noticed I was trying to do it with one hand!

I laughed too, and theorised that unconsciously I didn't want to leave, so I was making myself tie my shoelaces with one hand so that I'd be there all night (actually probably true). He said "good interpretation! I should try that some time."