[Seelenna1982]

I’ve been with my T for a while now and though I very much feel we click, I do not feel safe to talk about just anything. I am working so hard to get to a place where I can be more open but it’s very unnatural to me. I suffer from c-ptsd and from a very young age learned to keep my thoughts feelings and emotions to myself. Letting them out was a matter of control and I’m struggling to let go of that. Emotions = pain in my past. I know the past is not happening now, but how do I make myself really KNOW that!
In contrast my T is so very kind and loving. I wish I could allow that to register with me. I think then I’d find therapy very helpful. My T cries regularly in our sessions and though it doesn’t make me uncomfortable to see others emotions. It’s stressful to me because I’m not able to get to a place where I can let those emotions (that I very much have) come out. I feel bad that I upset her all the time. And that although these things do upset me, I’m so panicked about letting my emotions show, I end up looking like a heartless blank slate of nothing.

Has anyone found anything to be helpful. I’m an extremely nervous person when it comes to most things. T is so nice, and I feel guilty that I’m not more comfortable participating. I’m worried I’m wasting lots of my money that I really don’t have much of, but I desperately need the help if it can work.

Thank you for any insights you may have

[nottrustin]

Is it possible that it is not because you don't trust your at but rather you got through life by shutting down and not expressing emotions? You got so good at it that even when you would like to cry you can't.

This is where I am now. After years in therapy we are just now getting to a point where I can cry (often to much). Doing EMDR seemed to help me get in tough with my emotions

[SalingerEsme]

I have c-ptsd, and I wonder if experiencing emotions might trigger any dissociation, and you might unconsciously have taught yourself not to go near there? When I started therapy, I has trouble even knowing or finding what I felt bc people-pleasing and the focus on insight into the other person made me feel safe. I couldnt even answer a simple question like do you want pizza or Chinese food for dinner - I had no idea. I was numb and blank for my own emotions, but very tuned into those of others. When I did start gradually changing bc my T broke down defenses with me, it was so difficult: dissociating, flashbacks, endless tears. Now things are getting better. I wish you safe travels through therapy!

You say your therapist is nice but I wonder if her emotionality (a T crying in session regularly sounds like a lot) is counterproductive and distracts from experiencing and expressing your feelings? It's a bit like she is doing what you would like to and you are doing what she is supposed to (controlling your emotions). Would it be useful to talk with her about what you said here and ask her to be less reactive? You say it does not bother you but maybe it is part of why you can't let go more easily, the focus is too much on her.

[Seelenna1982]

Originally Posted by SalingerEsme

I have c-ptsd, and I wonder if experiencing emotions might trigger any dissociation, and you might unconsciously have taught yourself not to go near there? When I started therapy, I has trouble even knowing or finding what I felt bc people-pleasing and the focus on insight into the other person made me feel safe. I couldnt even answer a simple question like do you want pizza or Chinese food for dinner - I had no idea. I was numb and blank for my own emotions, but very tuned into those of others. When I did start gradually changing bc my T broke down defenses with me, it was so difficult: dissociating, flashbacks, endless tears. Now things are getting better. I wish you safe travels through therapy!

Oh goodness this!!! Thank you for your reply. Its how I am. I can’t make any minor decisions like this. I have no idea what I ever ‘want’ or would ‘like’ in fact i hate the word want. I’d never use it when referring to something for myself.

I never know how something makes me feel, even when I’m feeling strongly, I don’t know the words to explain how I feel. If I’m pushed beyond ignoring something, I shut down and dissociate massively and have a very hard time recovering that week. Perhaps from your experience I can see that maybe I’m just in a place that I will gradually come out from and will move forward.

[Seelenna1982]

Originally Posted by nottrustin

Is it possible that it is not because you don't trust your at but rather you got through life by shutting down and not expressing emotions? You got so good at it that even when you would like to cry you can't.

This is where I am now. After years in therapy we are just now getting to a point where I can cry (often to much). Doing EMDR seemed to help me get in tough with my emotions

Shutting down - your right. always! T has been trying to get me to do EMDR, but it’s terrifying for me. I think I stop myself from doing it. It’s not going anywhere and I’m sure it’s my fault (from the inability to allow those emotions to come)

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by Xynesthesia

You say your therapist is nice but I wonder if her emotionality (a T crying in session regularly sounds like a lot) is counterproductive and distracts from experiencing and expressing your feelings? It's a bit like she is doing what you would like to and you are doing what she is supposed to (controlling your emotions). Would it be useful to talk with her about what you said here and ask her to be less reactive? You say it does not bother you but maybe it is part of why you can't let go more easily, the focus is too much on her.

I was thinking this as well. My ex-T used to tear up at times, but I don't think I could have dealt with her actually crying regularly. You say that you feel bad that you upset her all the time--could this be holding you back? And maybe it's partly keeping you from crying, because you feel that will upset her more? I agree that you should talk to her about the effect that her crying has on you.

[Seelenna1982]

Originally Posted by Xynesthesia

You say your therapist is nice but I wonder if her emotionality (a T crying in session regularly sounds like a lot) is counterproductive and distracts from experiencing and expressing your feelings? It's a bit like she is doing what you would like to and you are doing what she is supposed to (controlling your emotions). Would it be useful to talk with her about what you said here and ask her to be less reactive? You say it does not bother you but maybe it is part of why you can't let go more easily, the focus is too much on her.

Thank you for your insight. I often worry about this. I’m torn because I really like her. Talking to someone is something I’ve never done so I feel invested. And who am I to make someone control how they feel! Isn’t that partly my whole issue? Sometimes I wonder if she’s just allowing her feelings to show in order to show me what healthy emotional release looks like. That it’s not scary. That it’s ok to show emotion. But I do feel the contrast of our reactions, mine seemingly non existent, and hers just freely flowing.

[Seelenna1982]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

I was thinking this as well. My ex-T used to tear up at times, but I don't think I could have dealt with her actually crying regularly. You say that you feel bad that you upset her all the time--could this be holding you back? And maybe it's partly keeping you from crying, because you feel that will upset her more? I agree that you should talk to her about the effect that her crying has on you.

Thank you for taking time to reply. Mine seems like every other session has her in full tears. I don’t like having that effect on someone. I worry she’s exhausted after meeting with me.
I’m conflicted because the topics do warrant sadness, but seeing it come from someone else only emphasizes that it’s not coming from me. Then I feel like I’m really weird. I don’t think I could tell a person they shouldn’t feel something when quite clearly I’m like the most unqualified person to say that. “Control your emotions please” - that’s my exact problem right!

[Keyplayer]

Hi Guy`s ,

Me too , I have Complicated Grief Syndrome , I can`t cry either.

The last time I really lost it was 1983 , I had a back injury and PT was not going good , and one night I was sitting up in my bed watch tv , thinking am I ever going to walk right again ?

The I just popped , I was crying my eyes out , my late mom heard me and knocked on my door asking if I was alright and could she come in , I said yes , she asked what was wrong and I told her , and being a mom , she of course said all the right things , like PT will work you just have to give it time , and you will be walking like your old self in no time , all that stuff , she was right of course , PT did not really do it , it my have helped , but I spent old of the rest of `83 and half of `84 walking with a cane , someone suggested I see a chiropractor , I said " one of those , thats just phoney " , but I did and although it took a while but I noticed improvement quicker than conventional PT and was soon walking without a cane.

OK so that has no bearing on not being able to cry , sorry about that !!

But that was the last time , in `05 my mom died at home , I had left for a while came back and my dad had this sad look on his face , and I asked what is wrong and he said your mom is not doing good at all , so I checked in on her and she was burning up , I took her temp , it was over 106 so I went into emergency mode , got cold packs from the freezer , of course nothing would have worked , and as I watched her take her last breath , I kissed her on the forehead and told my dad that "mom is gone" , my dad lost it , I thought I must take care of him I don`t have time for sadness , he took of his wedding ring and said "I guess I don`t need this anymore, " I told him of course you do and told him you and mom will always be married , now put it back on , he did. It was at that moment I knew I had to be the strong one , again . So I made all the calls took care of all that needed to be done.
10 years and one week later I lost my dad , talk about June being a hard month

I could not cry then either , I had to look after final affairs and look after me , there was no time for sorrow , over 3 years later , fear has misplaced time.

I told my T if I did cry , I might never come back .

I know I will go nowhere until I cry my Axx Off , I just can`t , so I am stuck between living a life full of fear and living a life full of joy , because I can not accept the grief .

There are times when I will have waking dreams , wondering when my parents will get home , then I snap out of it and say never , they are dead , still no tears , just overwhelming sadness .

I told my T I designed this bridge and everyone on the other side was happy , I could hear them laugh and have a good time enjoying life , but I am stuck here because I am afraid my perfect bridge will fail as I start to cross it , so I just watch a better life from afar .

You want messed up , beat that ?



Keyplayer 

[nottrustin]

Originally Posted by Seelenna1982

Shutting down - your right. always! T has been trying to get me to do EMDR, but it’s terrifying for me. I think I stop myself from doing it. It’s not going anywhere and I’m sure it’s my fault (from the inability to allow those emotions to come)

It's not you fault. As Emdr T says, it was an effective coping skills that allowed me to survive and be able to function for so long that it became engrained. Now it 8s no longer working for you so we have to find a way to create a healthier way of coping

[PurpleBlur]

perhaps she is trying to show you what you are projecting onto her bc you arent able to let yourself feel the feelings (but theyre still there.) perhaps by crying she is trying to give you permission to cry, too. to feel your own feelings. instead of giving them to her to feel for you.

[Seelenna1982]

Originally Posted by PurpleBlur

perhaps she is trying to show you what you are projecting onto her bc you arent able to let yourself feel the feelings (but theyre still there.) perhaps by crying she is trying to give you permission to cry, too. to feel your own feelings. instead of giving them to her to feel for you.

I often wonder this. Which is why I haven’t moved on to a different T. Plus I like her. I also think that I’m not qualified to judge someone’s healthy display of emotion when I have such a warped way of managing it.

[luvyrself]

Originally Posted by Seelenna1982

I often wonder this. Which is why I haven’t moved on to a different T. Plus I like her. I also think that I’m not qualified to judge someone’s healthy display of emotion when I have such a warped way of managing it.

—-I wondered when I read this if she was modeling crying for you. However, I don’t think that’s appropriate. I feel like smacking her (maybe I should take anger management classes, LOL) She could show videos on her computer of healthy crying and how it can heal. I think she really messes up her role as a guide for you by crying a lot. Of course that makes you wonder if she’s crying for real, not just freeing you to cry. Definitely ask her about it.
I didn’t cry for years because I had to control my disorder by staying focused,work, raise a son. Since being semi retired I let it out sometimes.

[SlumberKitty]

I didn't cry until my last session with my former T. She never cried with me. I don't know how I would have handled it. I think I would have felt bad that she was crying, but that's just me.

[fille_folle]

I don't think your T crying so frequently is appropriate. If she's trying to demonstrate something by crying, that seems really manipulative to me. Plus, it's making you feel bad. Maybe she doesn't have the emotional resources to deal with your case.