[Lrad123]

I think I’m having my first rupture after 13 months of therapy. My T has decided not to respond to emails any more. I understand the logic behind it, but don’t like the way it was done and I just feel hurt. I’d like to figure out how to get past this, but I feel let down and am having a hard time letting it go. I’d be interested in hearing rupture repair stories. I guess I’m looking for some hope. How do I get over this? I can’t seem to let go of this issue and he’s not likely to change his mind. It feels like an impasse.

[ArtleyWilkins]

Sometimes when a change like this happens, one where we feel we’ve lost, it is hard to trust that perhaps, in the long run, things might just work out despite our fears. I hate change. I hate change that leaves me feeling I’m being put upon and the other party isn’t being affected at all.

One thing I have to just force myself to do when I find myself if that kind of situation, is to slow down, take a deep breath (or a hundred deep breaths), accept the situation is what it is even if I think it stinks, and plow forward giving it a shot. That’s hard because, for me, the anxiety and anger is all about feeling a loss of control. But usually, given some time, the reality is that I find a way to adapt. I calm down and realize it isn’t as bad as I imagined it would be. I realize that in my mind I had honestly blown the issue up emotionally to be bigger than it ended up being in reality once I gave things some space and time. And . . .my sense of control returns.

Not sure how helpful that will be. It took me multiple situations before I finally started realizing that in almost every single case, what I’ve said above was true for me. I still have to remind myself each and every time. I still have to literally work to breathe and accept and allow the situation time. I guess I’ve come to realize that actively working to take care to find that sense of peace about those kinds of situations IS maintaining my own locus of control.

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by ArtleyWilkins

Sometimes when a change like this happens, one where we feel we’ve lost, it is hard to trust that perhaps, in the long run, things might just work out despite our fears. I hate change. I hate change that leaves me feeling I’m being put upon and the other party isn’t being affected at all.

One thing I have to just force myself to do when I find myself if that kind of situation, is to slow down, take a deep breath (or a hundred deep breaths), accept the situation is what it is even if I think it stinks, and plow forward giving it a shot. That’s hard because, for me, the anxiety and anger is all about feeling a loss of control. But usually, given some time, the reality is that I find a way to adapt. I calm down and realize it isn’t as bad as I imagined it would be. I realize that in my mind I had honestly blown the issue up emotionally to be bigger than it ended up being in reality once I gave things some space and time. And . . .my sense of control returns.

Not sure how helpful that will be. It took me multiple situations before I finally started realizing that in almost every single case, what I’ve said above was true for me. I still have to remind myself each and every time. I still have to literally work to breathe and accept and allow the situation time. I guess I’ve come to realize that actively working to take care to find that sense of peace about those kinds of situations IS maintaining my own locus of control.

Thanks. I just feel disappointed and let down. Hoping that it will fade with time otherwise I don’t see how it would make sense to stay with this T, and for now at least, I don’t really want to leave.

Is it a "rupture" or an "impasse"? I can only speak for myself, of course, but I find that being intentional about the words I use helps reduce my angst.

For example, I try to avoid using the term "rupture", as that implies that the situation or relationship is irreversibly broken. Ruptures can't be repaired; they require a surgical approach to completely tie off vessels. So I try to avoid using that particular term as a descriptor, because I feel like I am sending a signal to myself that I have already given up, and I find that I don't work as hard on finding a resolution.

Impasse is another story. Impasses are potentially passable, given that one or the other is willing to either back up a step, or if the two are willing to squeeze in tightly and hang on to each other, so neither one falls off the ledge. For me, that signifies a willingness to work on things, even if it's an awkward dance.

This is just my $0.02 worth, of course, but it seems that by raising the question, you are willing to consider that the relationship is worth salvaging. So hang with that for awhile, and see what your gut tells you to do.

Hope that helps

[feileacan]

In my experience I get over them by talking about the issue with T as long as it does not bother me anymore.

In your situation I would bring up his not replying to emails anymore and asking why he decided to do that until his explanation starts to make sense to me and I would get a feeling that he cares about me and does not do it to just get rid of me. It can take several sessions/discussions/explanations.

My assumption is that there is an underlying care and logic that somehow according to T's mind his decision serves me and is in my best interests. Because with my own T I am sure that there must be this kind underlying logic. If I wouldn't find it or if the T would refuse to discuss it or explain his decisions the I don't know if I would be able to work with him.

[LabRat27]

Overall, communicating about it has been the most important thing.
He creates space for me to be angry. He wants me to actually tell him if something upset me, whether or not I think it "should" or that it's "unfair" for me to be angry. Sometimes it's irrational. He thanks me for telling him. He doesn't try to tell me why I shouldn't be angry or blame me. And he stays there, being calm and kind and safe and I know that I won't be in trouble or resented for being angry. There won't be any retribution or backlash. It's safe to let my guard down once I'm done being angry and hurt.

I'm sure it will happen a million more times because that's how I am. But being able to directly address it has made a huge difference.

Have you told your T that you're upset yet?

[DP_2017]

I had a really bad one, I've discussed it here before. It all happened because of an email about me feeling close to him and it made him super uncomfortable. He pulled back, suddenly changed boundaries and cancelled a session on me. I wanted to die and felt like I was being severely punished for sharing, so I don't share that stuff anymore

Anyway.. we talked it out, all you really can do. I'm a forgiving person and just let it go. We have gotten a lot closer since and all is well.

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by LabRat27

Have you told your T that you're upset yet?

Yes, we talked about it in session a couple of days ago. And then I went home and processed things some more and sent a long email which, of course, he hasn’t responded to. He assured me he will read my emails though. The tough part is that I can’t be emotional in session with him. So although I feel tremendously disappointed, I don’t know how to express that to him in person. He seems to want me to be angry and although I can send emails that express negative emotions towards him, I can’t be angry in person. I’m not sure how to do that or if I even should.

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

I had a really bad one, I've discussed it here before. It all happened because of an email about me feeling close to him and it made him super uncomfortable. He pulled back, suddenly changed boundaries and cancelled a session on me. I wanted to die and felt like I was being severely punished for sharing, so I don't share that stuff anymore

Anyway.. we talked it out, all you really can do. I'm a forgiving person and just let it go. We have gotten a lot closer since and all is well.

I am also a forgiving person. But I’m in therapy to try to learn to listen to myself and express my emotions better. My instinct is to let it go because that’s my pattern, but it also feels a bit too easy and inauthentic not to listen to myself. So I feel kind of stuck about which way to go here.

[DP_2017]

I get that, the feelings/expression is hard for me too. After all this time, I STILL shut down/avoid things regularly. I feel like I frustrate him at times

My T also wants me to express my anger etc but I have no idea how. The only times I've ever been able to cry was by reading out loud something I wrote but I only ALLOWED myself to feel it once, the other time I quickly wiped my face and started joking around.

I don't see me ever changing with feelings and expression. Even if I can with T eventually, I likely wont with other people. Sigh...

Anyway I wish you luck in whatever you do with this, I can understand feeling stuck

Originally Posted by DP_2017

I had a really bad one, I've discussed it here before. It all happened because of an email about me feeling close to him and it made him super uncomfortable. He pulled back, suddenly changed boundaries and cancelled a session on me. I wanted to die and felt like I was being severely punished for sharing, so I don't share that stuff anymore

Anyway.. we talked it out, all you really can do. I'm a forgiving person and just let it go. We have gotten a lot closer since and all is well.

What do you imagine would happen if you did share that stuff again? It doesn't seem to be therapeutic if you are editing what you share in order to not rock the boat.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by Lrad123

Yes, we talked about it in session a couple of days ago. And then I went home and processed things some more and sent a long email which, of course, he hasn’t responded to. He assured me he will read my emails though. The tough part is that I can’t be emotional in session with him. So although I feel tremendously disappointed, I don’t know how to express that to him in person. He seems to want me to be angry and although I can send emails that express negative emotions towards him, I can’t be angry in person. I’m not sure how to do that or if I even should.

I'm not trying to be critical about it, but I can't quite understand what the real issue is. You "can't be emotional in person" yet you sent an email after session where you expressed your emotions, just like before? Or are you saying that you can only "be" emotional when you get a response to your email from him?

I'm not sure I understand why the point of therapy is to "express emotions" and even if that were the point, why is expressing emotions in a one way dialogue via email not even in real time supposed to be life changing? And you are still able to express emotions in all the emails you want and he will read them. So I just can't wrap my head around what you are being prevented from doing and what the exact problem is. apologies if I'm being dense.

The other thing I'd say is that when you say you "can't" be emotional in session and supposedly it would be a good thing if you could "be angry" in session, isn't that still an open question or something to work on? I don't think emotional responding with a real person in real time is something that can never happen for you, and I don't think being able to write down your emotions and email them is necessarily a step towards this. My version of this is that my emotions were pretty dissociated from both my past experience and my present experience. I feel like I started to become a whole person when I could think and feel at the same time. I'm not really sure that this had much to do with other people in the sense that I had to express my angry or resentful or hurt emotions; for me it was being in the present with brain and heart and soul together. It was me understanding in a wholistic way how these things came together and T was a witness rather than a part of it.

What it feels like to me is that you haven't yet really identified the problem except there has been a change imposed on you and you'd rather things have stayed the same. But that doesn't seem to be the problem from what you've said. If the real problem is you can't be emotional in session, then why not work directly on that, in session. Personally I can't see how emailing your emotions is helpful to this but you can still express yourself all you want in emails. You just won't get a response. So how does not getting a response block you from experiencing emotion in sessions? Maybe there's a key here.

Telling him you are very disappointed can be done in one sentence to start. You don't have to be prepared to say everything about that, but I think if you can start by saying "I feel very disappointed that you won't respond to my emails" he can help guide you after that.

I haven't used emails as part of my therapy so I'm skeptical that it's as helpful as claimed. I can understand how the connection developed in the sending and response can feel positive but I doubt it impacts therapy progress very much. Emailing people is safe because you can carefully construct your words in a kind of static way and because it isn't interactional and you don't have to change what you say in response to what the other person says. I can see how email can help with the expression of any emotion but in an artificial way because it's not dialog and the physical presence of the other person is absent.

But real life doesn't happen in email, nor do real relationships. Being able to communicate with a real person in the room, with all your messy emotions as part of the mix, seems to be what you are aiming for. To me email seems like a distraction from this, in your situation. I don't think it has to be, in the sense that I think there have been multiple examples from other posters that have shown that emailing can be helpful to their progress in terms of generating greater security in being able to open up more in session. For you email seems counterproductive.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by SorryNorma

What do you imagine would happen if you did share that stuff again? It doesn't seem to be therapeutic if you are editing what you share in order to not rock the boat.

We discussed his personal limits on if I go on about this again so that there is no more boundary changes
All he basically said was it would FEEL like there was boundary changes and he would feel cold and distant. Likely no response at all. He said I could tell him because it's his job to not judge but there was no need to

So I took that as a yep, no point, who cares anyway... what purpose does sharing it really serve?

[LonesomeTonight]

To answer your original question, I'm going to echo what a few other people have already said: You need to talk about what happened and your reaction to it with your T. Not just once, but as long as it takes. It may be that you have to spend part of a few sessions talking about it--sharing how you feel about, asking your T to explain, etc. You might then think you're OK with it, but then something could happen a few weeks or a few months down the line, and you realize that the email change is still affecting you, so you have to talk about it some more.

That's basically how it went (is going?) with my current T, when we had a rupture maybe 6 months ago. Where I'd requested a transitional object (stone) and he gave me one seemingly very willingly. Then a few weeks later, I mentioned holding it to comfort me, and he said that if the stone represented the therapy space to me, he was fine with it, but if it represented him (even as a therapist rather than him personally), then it was a bit "weird" or "creepy." This of course upset me (which seemed to confuse him). I sent him an email explaining my feelings--his reply showed he didn't fully understand my reaction (he actually admitted that). The next session was very intense, with both of us being open about our feelings involving that discussion. (This was the session where my T said the line that several people have quoted on here: "You affect me, LT.") Then we discussed it more the session after that, and maybe a bit more the next session. I debated terminating (and many people on here said I should), but I opted to stick it out. He eventually talked to a therapy consulting group about it (which I appreciated), but I'm not sure that helped him understand me more--just helped him understand his own thoughts, I think...

I thought I'd/we'd moved past it, but I realized a couple times in the months after that I was having trouble trusting him or worrying about telling him certain things. So I'd bring it up again. At one point, he was like, "I thought we'd worked through that, and it made our relationship stronger." And I said it was still lingering in my mind and affecting my work with him, so we needed to discuss more. That helped--I think I've gotten past it now, especially as he's been fine with my having a different stone (gave the other one back after the creepy comment) and also leaving a shell in his office.

I think the big determining factor in whether a rupture can be worked through is whether a T is willing to really listen to your feelings about it as much as needed and be open to sharing their feelings about it and take responsibility, as needed. And it also helps if they validate your feelings, like "I do understand why this upsets you so much, and I'm sorry." (Doesn't have to be those exact words, of course.) It's more if you feel heard and understood, even if the T won't change their stance.

I did have a rupture that I was ultimately unable to work through with ex-marriage counselor, but that was very complicated, and also it was hard to actually be able to work through it with him, because of his role and because part of what he changed was saying we needed to focus more on marriage stuff (it's complicated). But I did get through a couple ruptures with him earlier in the relationship, that I think made the relationship stronger--this last one was just the breaking point (partly because it involved him tightening boundaries after my saying I loved him).

When considering the whole rupture-repair idea, I personally would first ask myself what I intend to use my therapy for primarily. I am saying this because I did not consider it well enough in the past. What happened was that my original, primary (practical, outside of therapy) goals sometimes got diluted or lost in focusing too much on what was going on with my therapist. I even used it as a distraction to not deal with my real issues properly. So, what I would try to measure is how much mental energy and therapy time is worth spending on discussing conflicts and feelings around it with the T. (I prefer expressing it resolving conflicts, "rupture-repair" is a therapy buzz term that sounds overly dramatic to me.)

For me, when things like that happened around emailing, I discussed it with the Ts very directly. I knew from start that I had an issue with excessive virtual communication and I very much expected it to show up in therapy as well. It did, it wasn't specific to the therapist at all but a general distraction pattern that I would apply to many different people and situations. The way I handled it in therapy: I shared this with the Ts and asked them not to reinforce my habit even if I seem uncomfortable or get frustrated.I also liked to remind myself that I was paying the T for session time and not for engaging with me when I wanted, between sessions. I would see wanting them to respond to every email (or even to respond at all) without extra cost as an unrealistic and even unfair expectation. If they offer it, fine and it's a sort of luxury, but I would not feel I have the right to demand that service for free. I know this may sound a bit too rational, but it did help me keep my impulses and expectations in check.

I’ve had a few ruptures in therapy. From what I’ve experienced, how well a rupture can be healed is dependent on your therapist’s response.

My most recent therapist was very defensive and we’d get into arguements about what truly happened around why I was angry and what her intentions truly were.. She sent a clear message that she didn’t appreciate working in the negative zone in both verbal and nonverbal ways. I typically received anger right back, and found any attempts at working through my issues to be invalidating and shaming. I’m sure she’d say I was behaving inappropriately and attacking her by getting angry, but she was also a total drama queen. Our arguments felt really circular, so nothing healed and I learned to stuff my bad feelings towards her. It didn’t bode well in the long run since trust was eroded and the level of filtering required by me was high.

I think ideally, a therapist should direct the focus away from what was done and onto how the client felt and processed the experience. And accept even the angry parts of the client. I think many people with anxiety and depression are used to hiding angry feelings, so if a therapist can allow the client to be angry and not let the client’s anger squash them or ruin the relationship, this is where the healing happens. Many therapists focus on creating reparative experiences with the client by showering love on the client when things are going smoothly... but it’s the responses to anger that are truly reparative. It requires the therapist to put their own feelings aside to help the client, which to me is the whole point of therapy. If the client can be angry in therapy, they can be angrier in everyday life and not turn the anger inwards so much.

Based on my own experiences and what I read here, it seems that there are way too many incompetent, overly emotional therapists that aren’t able to work their way through ruptures any better than the clients can. The blind leading the blind 100%.

[LabRat27]

Originally Posted by Lrad123

Yes, we talked about it in session a couple of days ago. And then I went home and processed things some more and sent a long email which, of course, he hasn’t responded to. He assured me he will read my emails though. The tough part is that I can’t be emotional in session with him. So although I feel tremendously disappointed, I don’t know how to express that to him in person. He seems to want me to be angry and although I can send emails that express negative emotions towards him, I can’t be angry in person. I’m not sure how to do that or if I even should.

Would a kind of middle ground work?
My T doesn't do email, and when I was angry in ways I struggled to express I brought in a hand written angry note/letter and he read it in session

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

But real life doesn't happen in email, nor do real relationships. Being able to communicate with a real person in the room, with all your messy emotions as part of the mix, seems to be what you are aiming for.

I agree that what you stated above is what I’m aiming for. Otherwise I’m not sure I know or can articulate the problem. What I do know is that I am able to process my thoughts and feelings more deeply and express complex thoughts more effortlessly via email. I have a very hard time doing this in the moment and in person with my T. I’m not sure why that is. I think he’s trying to push things in that direction by no longer responding to my emails. He said his job is not to make me feel comfortable and he wants to do therapy in person and not virtually. I completely get that. I do feel like there is a barrier to intimacy with the way we are doing things now. I just wish we could have talked about this first before he suddenly stopped responding to my emails. That seems like a strange way for a T to respond. He has expressed to me many times that he supports my sending him emails, saying that he understands every client is different, and I have understood that his email responses will be brief so that we can discuss in person. It feels to me that he did a sudden 180 on this philosophy with no warning or discussion. This makes me feel like he’s unreliable. What else might he change on a whim? Why was he outwardly supportive of my emailing when now it appears that he was likely not really supportive of this? So, to me there are 2 issues:

1. No longer responding to emails
2. The way he handled communicating #1 to me

I think I can eventually accept #1, but I have a hard time with #2.

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by Xynesthesia

I would see wanting them to respond to every email (or even to respond at all) without extra cost as an unrealistic and even unfair expectation. If they offer it, fine and it's a sort of luxury, but I would not feel I have the right to demand that service for free. I know this may sound a bit too rational, but it did help me keep my impulses and expectations in check.

FWIW, I did offer to pay for his time in reading and responding to my emails. I did not want to take advantage of him and did not want him to feel resentful. His responses were always brief, so likely not too time consuming. It is very clear that he reads my emails in great detail by what he remembers and brings up. He has also told me that he reads them more than one. He never answered me when I offered to pay him for his extra time.

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by LabRat27

Would a kind of middle ground work?
My T doesn't do email, and when I was angry in ways I struggled to express I brought in a hand written angry note/letter and he read it in session

Yes I think this will have to be my next best option.

Originally Posted by Lrad123

FWIW, I did offer to pay for his time in reading and responding to my emails. I did not want to take advantage of him and did not want him to feel resentful. His responses were always brief, so likely not too time consuming. It is very clear that he reads my emails in great detail by what he remembers and brings up. He has also told me that he reads them more than one. He never answered me when I offered to pay him for his extra time.

This sounds like it could be a control issue.

I’d be concerned if he can’t give a solid reason for why he’s changing boundaries. At a minimum, I’d expect him to be willing to listen to how painful this is.

If you are shut down by him, to me that would be a red flag unto how other difficult situations may be handled.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by Lrad123

I
I just wish we could have talked about this first before he suddenly stopped responding to my emails. That seems like a strange way for a T to respond. He has expressed to me many times that he supports my sending him emails, saying that he understands every client is different, and I have understood that his email responses will be brief so that we can discuss in person. It feels to me that he did a sudden 180 on this philosophy with no warning or discussion. This makes me feel like he’s unreliable. What else might he change on a whim?

Doesn't seem like he changed this on a whim, but that your recurrent angry emails or the recent round of angry emails seemed to point towards this process not being effective in his judgment. Or maybe he just doesn't see the value in reading all this emoting when he's got his hands tied in responding because he cannot be therapeutic via email.

And he's not stopping you from sending emails and processing your thoughts that way. But I do think these are good questions to ask him, like what else might he change on a whim? It's not my thing that people remain in concrete in perpetuity but I can understand why things staying the same are important in feeling safe. I think you can have some productive conversations with him because it does seem like there's a lot to it and I'd encourage you to ask or say everything you think about his reliability or whatever. For me, I know when I'm really wound up about something, it's something I need to talk and talk and talk about.

Originally Posted by Lrad123

FWIW, I did offer to pay for his time in reading and responding to my emails. I did not want to take advantage of him and did not want him to feel resentful. His responses were always brief, so likely not too time consuming. It is very clear that he reads my emails in great detail by what he remembers and brings up. He has also told me that he reads them more than one. He never answered me when I offered to pay him for his extra time.

This sounds very much like my last T. I just chose not to think too much of it or try to guess what were his reasons/intentions for not responding or changing his engagement level. It can be due to a zillion different things. When I asked, he would typically offer excuses, like being busy or unexpected events. My first T was the one who often said I should bring those thoughts and feelings into session and he would not discuss them via email, but other times he did and reacted really strongly and emotionally. It was a mess. I often think that Ts use between sessions contact to manipulate clients and I refused to cooperate with that by focusing too much on it, however frustrating it was at times. I do not believe that when Ts handle these communications in unpredictable/changing ways, it is always (or even often) for the benefit of the client. I think they probably get overwhelmed or are lazy to maintain what they started.

[Lemoncake]

I would have left T after my first rupture, but I posted here and the advice was to talk it out. I've actually lost count of how many we've had now- but my longest one lasted a solid 5 weeks and that was with twice a week sessions. . My T once said therapy was all about ruptures and repairs. If something comes up I don't fret like I used to, because I know that we will work it out. (unless it's obviously a serious ethical violation).

[SlumberKitty]

Originally Posted by Lrad123

I think I’m having my first rupture after 13 months of therapy. My T has decided not to respond to emails any more. I understand the logic behind it, but don’t like the way it was done and I just feel hurt. I’d like to figure out how to get past this, but I feel let down and am having a hard time letting it go. I’d be interested in hearing rupture repair stories. I guess I’m looking for some hope. How do I get over this? I can’t seem to let go of this issue and he’s not likely to change his mind. It feels like an impasse.

I don't think I really have any rupture stories. I think whenever something upsetting happened in therapy or around therapy, former T and I just talked and talked and talked and talked about it until it was no longer upsetting and often growth had taken place. Sometimes we have to accept other people's new boundaries even when they feel arbitrary, or we can choose to not accept it and go elsewhere for treatment. I understand feeling let down. I think I would likely feel anxious and/or scared too if I were in your shoes. The only way I know how to get past the rupture is by talking through it for as long as you need to talk through it. (((hugs))) kit.