How do I get over ex-T?

It's been 3.5 years. Why am I not over her yet? I got my answers, now I need to move on. For some stupid reason, I have hope that I can maybe communicate with her. Why? Why can't I just let her go? I try and tell myself that she can never be trusted again, that she's not worth my time and energy, that I'm better off without her. I remind myself that I have a great T who has proven herself to me, that I don't need any other T. But ex-T is still there. Even after all the crap she's put me through, I think I might still love her? If I do, I'm betraying my T and everything we have worked on. I need to be free of her! I need to move on. How do I do this?

Have you asked your current T? I certainly don't understand these "attachments" myself. Do therapists even understand them? If they did, why don't they do more to prevent "bad", or hurtful therapy?

If you love your ex-T, then you love her -- no betraying anybody, you just do. It just is. Until, maybe, it isn't.

When I find I'm not letting something from the past go - and my not letting go is upsetting me - I find it's because I'm not present or future-focused enough.

Usually this happens when I'm unemployed/ on vacation (and so have an abundance of free time). Filling up my time with something in the present and occupying my thoughts with something in the future is helpful.

That and not beating myself up about the whole thing. I find that counter-productive.

Sorry you're feeling this way. I hope things improve soon.

I plan on talking to her about it on Monday. I have so many questions pertaining to ex-T. I don't know how I feel about her anymore. I don't know what to do with what few good memories I have left. Or is it finally time to forgive her? I don't know. I feel so lost. I thought getting the answers would be enough for me. This is no longer a problem with ex-T, but a problem with me.

I usually do have a lot of time on my hands. I'm not employed. I'm a housewife. However, I have had too much going on lately. You'd think that all would distract me. Even this next week, I have an appointment everyday. I have infertility issues to work on/worry about. I have my sister to worry about. My husband's health and job, our financial, my dog is sick, my ears still hurt, etc, etc, etc.

It's hard not to beat myself. I feel like most of this is my fault. If only I didn't overreact. I think I've put myself through this; not ex-T.

Maybe you're not meant to just yet. It protects you from getting to attached to present T?

Dunno.

Sigh, I still catch myself feeling the same way. 3.5 years here too. Wish I could stop missing her, stop thinking about her, stop loving her. It's not like I like the fact that I can't forget, you know? I just can't. I almost resent the fact that I still feel this way.

I'm not sure this is where you're at, but what has helped me let go of those who I feel have wronged me is to acknowledge both the positive and negative aspects of the relationship. I don't think your good memories have to be transformed into something else, you can forgive her or not-- my guiding principle has been whether I need to be a person who is forgiving this person right now or not. Understanding why the person did what they did and usually that has nothing to do with you, but if it does have something to do with you-- like your emotional response during a termination session-- forgiving yourself is probably more important. Or forgiving her for being unable to help you after this-- T or no T, some people can't or don't want or decide not to handle angry outbursts.

I love a number of people who I have little to nothing to do with, and I empathize with their struggles that left me feeling betrayed, and I do have fond memories and their gifts about the house. For me the goal has been to have events and people be like a page in the book of my life, something I don't have to obsess over and something I don't have to avoid. Just a page, turn to it or not.

But before I can get to that place, I do a lot of obsessing and wondering and discussing with my T and others who can listen. You have to hold something before you can let it go, by definition. So I think you are getting over ex-T, maybe you're even 80% there. Recognizing you've come a long way and perhaps being precise about where you want to end up is part of the process.

I sometimes wonder if we have trouble letting go of unhealthy relationships because, for some odd reason, we were stimulated by the drama and intensity of those relationships. Is that sort of like addiction? It feeds our unhealthiest impulses and coping mechanisms?

I would not fight your feelings. You said before quite confidently that you just need to have your answers and "closure" and then you will move on - clearly does not seem to be the case. I would not put that as a strong goal now as not meeting it might just lead to further frustration. When I got stuck in obsessing about the wrongdoings of my first T in the past (I never loved him though), I just found it had to run its course. The obsession lessened a lot when I truly understood why I saw him the way I did and why I was so stuck with the negative feelings (beyond his obvious and real flaws). I really only understood it in great depth and with great clarity recently, almost 2 years after ending formal therapy with him. I did not need another T to understand it and to get over the T, but I benefited a lot from reading posts here and just a lot of introspection. I really wanted the strong negative feelings to go away earlier many times but it was not as simple. They dissipated a great deal once I had some very clear realizations about the nature of the feelings and obsession, but I found it a process that I could not just rush at will. I think I also had to get to a much better place mentally for those feelings to go - not surprising because they were related to my own self-flagellation and dissatisfaction with myself due to things I could not easily and quickly fix.

I think you need to grieve as if it were a death or the end of a romantic relationship. That's how I approached letting go of ex-MC, and current T agreed that I was grieving a personal loss.

I don't know specifics, but the fact that it was from so long ago and still causing you grief I would say to forgive the parts you can forgive and try to move on.

Your past is your past for a reason and to have any hope for the future you need to let go.

Oh, I'm plenty attached to current T. I think I'm more attached to her than I was to ex-T. But it's more secure now even though I still like the reassurance.

I'm sorry you're still struggling too.

I think it just takes a lot of time to grieve, like the loss of anyone we love. I don't think you can rush it. Your feelings are okay, whatever they are. I used to discuss my first T with the next one. It helped. She still has a place in my heart but I don't think about her much. We had a poor ending though I know she tried her best with me. Your current T sounds like she will listen to you talk about exT. Correct?

I would agree with you except that I'm not usually attracted to drama. And I have a very close relationship with current T, so I don't need ex-T to be my T. I also have since stopped my worst coping mechanism (SH). I haven't done it also in 3.5 years.

Yes. She said as much as I need to. She's always allowed me to talk about ex-T. She's even reassured me that she's not jealous of my relationship with ex-T (which was a fear of mine).

You're right. But I don't really know how to grieve a death. When I was 8, I had 10 people who were close to me die. I remember I cried for the first couple, but after that I didn't even react. Since then, I've mostly lost people to abandonment. The only deaths I've had to deal with were my dogs, people in the media, and acquaintances/friend of a friend. And it's hard to honor her memory when there was so much pain.

How did you grieve? How have you been doing with the loss of your mc?

Something that my T told me was really helpful to me. I kept thinking that how things ended sort of negated the good that had come out of the relationship. Like, it ended poorly, so that's the takeaway I have from the relationship. While my T...actually let me look up what he said in this one email: "I can also appreciate that you are having trouble not redefining your entire relationship with [ex-MC] based on how you've been feeling these past few months. Hopefully, and I would like to support you in doing this, you will be able to parcel out the good and the bad and eventually end up holding the full experience of your work and feelings for him...which will include love, disappointment, gratitude, loss, and many other feelings as well."

Those words (and talking about it with him) helped me realize it didn't have to be black or white, good or bad. That I could still hold on to the positive memories and feelings of being cared for and things I'd learned from him. They didn't go away because of what happened.

To answer your other question, I'm doing much better with the grieving--I feel it turned some sort of corner maybe 2 months ago. So like 8 months after the rupture and 4-5 months after the actual termination. I'm no longer having the urge to email him when something good or bad happens. And I can talk about him in session with T without crying--which is a big shift for me. I think I mainly needed time and distance. (I was still emailing him maybe once a month for the few months after termination, and that kept me tied to him in some ways.) And to discuss him repeatedly with T, even though I worried he'd get sick of me talking about him. It also helped to think of it as grieving.


I'm thinking with you, you wanted to get the answers from your ex-T. So maybe you put your grieving on hold? And now you have the answers, so that part can start. I'm not very good at grieving deaths either, or even ends of relationships (romantic or friendships), but I think being able to talk about this with T has helped me. So keep talking about your ex-T with your current T.

I don't have an ex T but I struggled with expressing feelings and I recently, well a year ago now, lost my beloved dog and it was the worst thing of my life. My T was amazing during then and told me there is no "right way" to grieve, there is no time line

I tried going to a pet loss group and hated it, I joined some online pet loss groups and it was somewhat nice, T was my biggest support and I credit him for helping me deal with it.... BUT in my own way, outside of things with T... I just became very distant. I stopped talking to people as often, I got sucked into games on my phone, journaled a ton, wrote letters to my dog....I only cried once, with T, in all that time. I sometimes feel like I'm a terrible person for not crying more but crying isn't a requirement for grief.

Do you have a current T to work through this with? A close friend? Pastor? Online grief groups? Writing letters was hugely powerful and helpful, maybe that could help you?

Maybe I did put my grief on hold? Maybe I still am? I wish I knew what is going on with me! All I know is that I'm not letting her go for some reason. It's like I'm still holding onto hope, but I don't know why or even what I hope for. You know, maybe I'm hoping for a goodbye on a positive note? Or maybe I just want to control the ending? At least part of me understands that it's over, but there's another part that isn't finished. I don't know. I'm sorry for being confused.

Yes, I have my current T of 3.5 years to work with it through. My H somewhat understands, but he isn't a great support. My dad definitely doesn't understand. He thinks I should just be over it.

That's why I hide my feelings, most everyone in my life, thinks I'm ok now.... but if I was still showing grief of any kind... they would tell me i should be over it. It's frustrating and sad when people are like that. There is no should in grief.

1 year and 2 weeks later, I'm STILL struggling. I have yet to even go to any pet store toy section, even thinking of that makes me tear up. Halloween is a nightmare for me with relation to this loss, so I'm struggling so much again but keeping it in, it's the way I tend to cope... alone and by hiding

Hopefully you are able to work out the loss in time... and start to feel better and heal.

So I talked with T today. She told me that the questions seem to be what's upsetting me. She told me that when a question comes up, to write it down and try to move on. That the questions don't need to be answered right now.

It hurt though. She told me that my relationship with my ex-T is over. That there is no more communication between us. I just can't accept that right now. For some reason I have hope.

I talked with ex-T again this morning. She said again that my relationship with ex-T is over, not that it didn't exist, but there is no more communication/contact. My heart is breaking.

I might regret asking, but what do you guys think? Is it over?