Struggling deeply

What happened? No need to protect him now. He’ll stilll be anonymous here anyway

Recognising how “phoney”
my psychologist is at our last session was probably one of the most acutely painful experiences I’ve ever had-that was 3 months ago and I’m still hoping it’s not true
I’m sorry this is not helpful to you but it’s honest and I get it

I also want to know what happened. Not everyone is cut out to be a therapist, and some people really should stay away from the profession.

What I'll share is this

He has no intention of ever being a T again. He says its highly unlikely.

He answered some questions but then when I was actually crying and talking about how worthless I feel, he laughed. More than once.

He went on to basically blame me for everything, saying he did all the things he did with me because I asked him too.... and that he regrets doing out of office work. He claims being with me outside the office made him uncomfortable which is why he is not open to a friendship, even after 2 years "It will always feel too weird and professional" too him.

He felt cold and distant. Barely saying anything to my sadness. Not seeming to understand or care at all.

How awful. I'm sorry. You did not deserve to be treated that way.

I guess it's good he's never going to do therapy again, because it sounds like he sucks at it.

ugh thats awful. he laughed at you?!

Yep. A chuckle...probably nervous laughter but still.

I can't remember exactly what I said, but something about how he was acting like he doesn't care at all and it bothers me, he was making me feel worthless... then he chuckles. I was like umm, can you seriously stop l laughing at me? He claims he wasn't laughing at me.

Happened a few other times but I cant remember. I kept asking things like, how am I supposed to handle Christmas? It's already hell... and how do I go on knowing I can't hug you ever again or ever know how you are, simply because of who I am... etc... and dead silence. I felt like most of the time, I was talking to myself...or talking at him

Very disappointing. He's always been so compassionate and kind to me. I don't get why he's taken that away in my worst times.

Wow, does he suck. I can see why he wanted to change his profession -- all that phoniness probably was wearying after a while.

He's getting out of the job, so no need to pretend compassion and kindness. Or maybe some of it was real at the time but now it's "burnout". At any rate, it's not you, no matter what mean things he said. That was about him. He's just very, very limited and can't be there for you. Really sucks, I'm sorry.

agreed 1,000%

What a slap in the face, DP. I'm so sorry you were treated this way. I 100% agree with everyone else, he sounds like his head is not in the right place for this profession (not that it excuses his behaviour). I do think he did/does care, but at this point, he's probably doing the "self-preservation" thing and detaching so that he can walk away from his patient. Not a very mature or compassionate thing to do!

How many sessions do you have left? We are all here for you--gentle hugs! <3

I'm so sorry. He sounds cruel in the way people can be from a bad, depleted place in their own lives. His not holding boundaries and then blaming you for that is not on you. This seems like a place of acute failure in his life, from which he has little to give. This happens in real life love too, ego blows can make people out of emotional reach for a while.

Therapy is so emotionally dangerous. I am so sorry.

I have no adequate words for how terrible I think he has treated you. I hope you feel as deeply as you can that this is not about you, that this is about him and his failings not only as a therapist, but as a person.

Such sickening behaviour. The one thing he is 100% correct about is that he should get out of the profession.

The worst part of all of this, I can't get the "I felt uncomfortable with you" out of my head. Do you know how terrible that makes someone feel, who is already down? Who already hates themselves? Who already is depressed? I mean, he may as well brought a knife to session and stabbed me

He's such a liar, there is NO way he's that incredible of an actor for him to have felt nothing. He claims he never meant to blur boundaries and that he didn't break any, only stretched them, yet one thing for sure he did, he admitted that if his boss found out, she would have been very upset with him and he probably would have lost his license.

We did at least TWO things in the past few months that were not in office that were not charged. One of them was not therapy related at all, other than he is now claiming he went because I was afraid of something there, but you can't call it therapy, you didn't charge me and we were not alone. ARGH

All I wanted was for him to make me feel like he still cared or I still mattered. That I'm not just some damn job. He couldn't do that for me.

I asked him how I'm supposed to deal with never being able to hug him again, while sobbing and he said nothing. I asked how I'm supposed to handle losing my other dog, who is almost 16 and he said "There are options" which was insanely heartless

I know he has problems, he shared tons of them with me, although now is trying to claim he didn't share anything that didn't belong in the office.... I know he is flawed and I was always ok with that. I just can't understand why a little honesty is so hard, he wanted me to trust him, so why can't he give honesty with that?

I know, I'd NEVER report him, but I have so much evidence of things that he would for sure at least be investigated for.... so I can't get why he is trying to act like its my fault. He is more than capable of saying no. Plus some things he suggested.

I have 2 sessions left. I'm torn between venting more or just trying to be silly/fun and even though I know he's fake now, it might be easier for me to handle things ending "feeling good" rather than bad. I guess this is a good lesson in having a T with less than 5 year experience

I really hope you don't let him off the hook by going for silly & fun. There are only 2 times left before you might never see him again, and for closure say everything in your heart. Speak your truth even if he is being dishonest now to try and cover up his lack of boundaries with you.

One thing I notice about your T from a distance is how his music and his words don't go together. When someone is like that, we believe their actions more than their words. If he goes places with you out of the office, the music says you are special and friends, even if the words do not.

This person seems to be at can't get blood from a stone depletion emotionally right now. This must be a big failure for him, and not running away from failure takes maturity.

I know it isn't consolation, but I am sure this isn't about you even though it is crushing your trust. It SHOULD be about you, about your best interests, about patient care, your care.

I love the post Echos wrote right after this one. You can heal , and emerge radiant from this point in time, but he will never forget you or how he failed you.

He sounds so much like my first therapist it's not even funny (even down to the level of experience and how he rationalised poor boundaries). My first T made me feel like the relationship was more than professional and then would turn round and shame me for having feelings towards him. Boundaries all over the place, and I later found out, completely selfish. Didn't give a **** about me.

I know this will sound trite but this is a blessing in disguise. This could have gone two ways -
1) abandonment
2) an unethical out of therapy relationship followed by abandonment.

Either way I'm sorry to say abandonment was inevitable. But now you have a chance for healing. I know it doesn't feel like it but it can happen. Because of the nature of transference, I found that feelings began to change with time and eventually the attachment faded. (It took me about 18 months). While he kept you in this unhealthy cycle, you had no chance for healing.

I don't know what the best steps are for you. For me, I knew I couldn't cope without another therapist and it turned out to be a good choice for me. Whatever you decide is best for you, I wish you healing. This person was unskilled and unethical and it's been apparent for some time.

Even I knew he was a bad therapist but I kept going for all this time because I liked him, I was happy with him, it made my week to be there. I felt like I mattered, I felt cared for. All of that kept me going...even though I knew we would barely get through issues.

Just frustrating we got into phobia work the past few months and made progress there, even mapped out how we were gonna go forward toward my goals and now BAM... leave me hanging. although he admitted yesterday, he had no idea what he was doing with it and where to go with it.

Does he have a degree in social work, A Ph'd, a masters? It's kind of earthshaking in someone's life to fail on the level he has failed. The important thing is you, and how this hurts you, but I point it out just to say you might be seeing him these next two sessions at a low point in his whole life, so far from his best. People lash out- I am sad if you are a target for that in any way.

^ Just a masters I think

I know... it's just so hard because the connection we had is gone and I hate it. I want to feel that when I end... so I can still feel like this wasn't all a sick joke... and that maybe just a tiny bit, I mattered.

Yes I can totally relate to all of this. I nearly left my current T and went back to T1, knowing that current T was better and would help me more. That's the power of these feelings. I just want to plant a seed of hope that this will pass. It takes time but it will.

^I'm sure it will...I'll never forget him but like with my dog, it gets easier to manage in life.

However, this will serve as another lesson in trusting people. Only keeping me more isolated and distant. It happens way too much to me. I can't keep doing this to myself.

I'm trying to get the courage to delete all the pics, and texts and emails related to him. I can't look at any of that again without feeling like I was played but yet, I can't do it

I assume it's not normal to have over 100 pics of your t, that he ok'd you taking/having? Oh well it must be, because he didn't break any boundaries or anything or it was because I wanted it, damn, if I knew he was that big a push over, I should have asked for money

Okay, i dont have over 100 pics, more like 10, and they're trapped in an old phone and they cant get out. :mime-box:

I had a similar relationship with my t, which many many people advised me against, here and IRL. But i felt i knew what i needed, and more recent literature on attachment and childhood emotional neglect supported my stance. I asked for what i wanted, and he gave it, with limits. Am i that person now? No. I barely recognize her as me. I was a false self, with false discipline.

I think you will find yourself now too. It takes a lot of courage to talk things out as you have been here.

Be wise. You don't need to make that decision now. I know you have said very clearly that you have no interest in reporting him, but this feeling might change. The pictures and correspondence are evidence and your future self might regret that you hit delete.

Definitely wont. Ruining his life won't make me feel better. Not the kind of person I am
My own mom would be in jail if I was

But ya I'll hold off a bit. Someday i may want to look back without anger

..................