Extremely upset after receiving new diagnosis

I think I will tell him to just focus on treating the symptoms and then I will probably forget the label.

If you are willing to share the diagnosis, you might find people here who also share that diagnosis and perhaps can help you with some insight on it, but I understand if you are hesitant to do so.

The thing with psychiatric diagnoses is that a) they are a process of looking at a set of symptom criteria and deciding if a patient's symptoms check of the required number of boxes; b) they can and often do change over time as doctors get more familiar with us and/or our symptoms change; what once looked like X will start showing more as Y after more exposure to a patient's symptoms; c) most of the time, the diagnoses aren't as important in themselves as being sure whatever symptoms we are having trouble with get treated appropriately; however, d) the diagnosis can be important to medication options as some diagnoses can respond rather poorly to certain medication; e) they aren't necessarily "permanent" diagnoses; it is possible that symptoms can improve to a point that the diagnosis no longer applies.

In other words, much psychiatric diagnosis is rather fluid due to the diagnosis being based on observation and criteria vs. something like many medical diagnoses where specific tests basically "prove" the diagnosis. (FYI: Not even all medical diagnoses are "proveable" by testing; many medical diagnoses are also a process of elimination, observation, and lists of criteria; people with these kinds of difficult medical diagnoses go through very similar issues of diagnosis changes, treatment changes, etc. This isn't an issue reserved only for psychiatric diagnosis.)

I will share more details about it when I’m not as tired.

I don’t feel like I deserve his help.

My diagnosis has now made me hate myself.

This is all anonymous, right?

Okay, he diagnosed me with Borderline Personality Disorder which is my worst fear.

I don’t want to hurt everyone I care about. I don’t want it to turn me into a monster.

Last night, I looked up possible causes of it. One reason seemed to be due to childhood trauma.

I had a lot of trauma in my childhood because my parents wanted to run off and do their own thing.

Then when my mom married my violent stepdad who used to beat me senseless. A teacher at school noticed and called CPS. But when they arrived, my mom begged me to lie and say that he never touched me.

There was no one to protect me as a child.

When I was 10, they had twins (my brother and sister). And my job became to protect them. I wouldn’t let anyone hurt them. So I kept them safe even though I had no one to look after me.

But maybe my childhood ruined me.

Oh, Hope. Your history, your abuse and the effects of that on you as a child left an imprint on you. I suspect most of us here have diagnoses the ultimately are the result of our history. The diagnosis describes observations about your symptoms that are a result of that history of abuse. You are not a monster, and your diagnosis can't turn you into a monster.

Your story strongly resembles my husband's upbringing, and he also has displayed characteristics of bpd. But you know what? Rather than focus on the diagnosis, my husband and his therapist worked on how he can find some healing from that upbringing and how he can work towards healthier ways of response, healthier ways of self-care, healthier ways of communication, better insight into his tendency toward reactivity.

That's why your therapist sees it as important to stick with therapy and not rely on medication management to try to control symptoms. Medication will only go so far, but you are VERY capable of working towards some healing and real improvement in your life.

Be gentle with yourself. I'm willing to bet there are individuals here on PC who can suggest excellent resources to learn a bit more about bpd so that you can see it more objectively rather than critically. You are a sweet person, Hope. Hang in there and keep looking forward.

Hope,

I'm writing this as somebody who has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder about 1.5 years ago.

I know there's a lot of stigma around this disorder. People say that those who have it are mean and manipulative and all sorts of things.
From my own experience, these things are not true. It can seem that way to some people who don't really understand you or don't care enough to try. And some people can act out a lot and it makes it seem even more so.
But it doesn't mean you can't have fulfilling, long-lasting relationships. Or that you're a bad friend/person to be around. I have more than one friend who also has BPD and I love all of them very much. I also have friends who I've been able to keep for years and they still seem to enjoy being around me.

In the end, diagnosis are a label that we have developed to tell what treatments might help somebody. People with BPD might benefit from DBT. People with schizophrenia probably less so. It's important for therapists to know what they are treating, just like it is important for a doctor to know whether they are treating a cold or lung cancer.

But it doesn't make you a bad human being or ruins you, and with you I think that already shows in the fact that 1) you are going to therapy and are trying to get better and 2) you are worried about hurting people you care about.

And from what I've experienced so far, even if your diagnosis is correct, there are many ways to treat it and to help you, and knowing what your actual issue is empowers you to achieve an overall better life.

I feel sui and deeply upset and my doctor and the office manager don’t even care enough to check on me.

I’m hurting SO bad

It’s over with him.

Hope. If you need a call back, leave a message and ask for a call back. You started this thread saying they had been so concerned that they had the crisis unit come check on you, so you know better. They have shown better than what you are thinking and feeling right now. This is where you need to slow yourself down and sit with this a bit.

Agree with AW.

Hope, ask for what you need.

If you need reassurance and some care, please ask for a call back.

I’m sorry these last few days have been upsetting.

Maybe you can do something nice for yourself - bubble bath, sun bath, something you enjoy.

I don’t know what happened to me tonight. He is going to call me after his last patient.

Hope -- I have BPD as well. It does not make you a monster. I was taught that it means that we experienced trauma in our childhood which delayed our emotional development. Do you ever feel like a child still living in an adult body? That's one way it feels. And because of the trauma caused by people, we no longer trust others. That's where the push/pull comes from which is what you're doing now. We also struggle with all or nothing feelings. We tend to think of people as all bad or all good, but not both at the same time. You've experienced this with all the males in a helping/caring role: pharmacist, Ts, Pdocs, etc.

I do believe you suffer from BPD. From all that you've told us, you meet the symptoms. Can you relate to the symptoms? Go through them and ask yourself if you experience any. You might not have all the symptoms. Or sometimes you might experience symptoms differently. Like for me, I don't have anger issues in the sense I take my anger out on others. I, on the other hand, take my anger out on myself.

The prognosis is good if you do the work. Emotionally you will grow and the symptoms will lessen. But it takes time and work.

Hope, who you were the same person the day before he gave you the diagnosis as the person you are the day after.

BPD is a difficult diagnosis that carries such a stigma. Through talking with psychiatists at work and clients, I have such empathy for those in the position. Usually, it is people who suffered from pretty extreme trauma as a child and didnt have their needs met. Sadly they had to find ways to get their needs met and often that was through acting out. In my mind that doesn't make them a bad or terrible person but rather somebody who fought for survival. I know some professionals in the field treat BPD sufferers differently and like bad clients and avoid them. IME though there are also some great providers. It sounds like your T cares and wants to work through this with you. Please be patient with yourself you are worth it. Please don't push him away let him help you.

Thanks everyone for all of the support. It is really helping me.

I’ve always been a good person with a good heart.

Maybe finding out for sure will empower me to work hard to overcome the symptoms. I have read that some people eventually no longer have enough symptoms to meet the diagnosis any longer. That
offers me hope.

One of the symptoms my T mentioned was the all or nothing thinking and he says that I have a fear of abandonment.

Yesterday, I purchased a bunch of books on the disorder so I can start working on it. I don’t want it to win and mess up my life.

I have a job interview tomorrow but I may not go because I can’t even stop crying.

T did say that because I’m having a really hard time with this, they are going to call me if they have any cancellations..

My other problem is that I feel like isolating from people so that they aren’t effected by this.

I don't think you need to worry about how you affect the therapist and his staff. It is their job to handle it. It also sounds like you have come quite far, more aware of the patterns and problems. I think it is a great idea to do your own reading/research, that way you can have all the time to consider what applies to you and what might not be relevant to your situation, instead of just relying on your treatment providers' feedback.

I get how hard it can be to accept a condition you are afraid of and really don't want to have, especially one that is associated with so much stigma and judgment. My version wasn't BPD or other personality disorders, but addiction. I was never diagnosed formally because I did not even seek any help and just tried to deny and fight it for many years back in my early 30's. I don't even fully get how that could happen, how my mind could be so brainwashed by my own denial as the signs and symptoms were all there, and pretty severe on top. In retrospect, I wish I could have overcome the denial much earlier and started working on recovery seriously - I know as fact it would have been much easier to resolve it had I not allowed it to progress so far, with so much damage, some irreversible. I know addiction is different from BPD, just bringing it up as another example for a very difficult condition to have and heal from. In part, I fought it so hard in spite of very clear symptoms because otherwise I am one of the most independent, autonomous persons I have met... how could that happen to me, of all people? But the fact is, these things are beyond out wishes, conscious control and we do not choose to have them. But we can choose to be aware and handle them better.

For me now, diagnoses are usually quite helpful because then I know what to work on and can try out many things recommended for the condition, or just work on it in my own ways... but I can focus on a real issue, not distractions and denial my mind wants to make up to mask problems. Some of it takes really dramatic life changes that have to be permanent, and it can also be hard to accept these limitations and the facts it will likely always require some work to manage. But so worth it in the long run!

I always knew that I would always have to work on my psychiatric problems because my anxiety and panic disorder as well as depression are chronic so I already planned to stay on top of my mental health but now I have to stay on top of this too.

I did read that some people go into remission and some even no longer meet the criteria for the diagnosis. That offered some hope.

There’s actually many medical disorders that are stigmatized.

Do you think that I will be able to accept this?

Yes, definitely, many conditions that are out of the normal/average range are stigmatized. I think it is significantly better than even 10 years ago, but still.

I think some people with BPD improve a lot and even become symptom-free with normal aging. Isolating may not help though as you already crave the connection and care so much, by default... depriving yourself might just make the symptoms worse, not better. Like excessive physical starvation from organic nutrients.

I think many people accept their BPD diagnosis and learn to live with it and work around it. There are a few on this forum as well. Maybe try to talk with some of them privately or even seek out support groups in your 3D life.

I was diagnosed with BPD when I was eighteen years old, by a psychiatrist I only saw once. I ignored it and continued trying to work on just my depression.

Fast forward to age 43 and a therapist whom I had been seeing for four months and whom I trusted also diagnosed me with BPD.

I was devastated to think that I'd been trying to run away from that diagnosis for 25 years and it was still there. My depression had not improved in the past 25 years and in fact it was worse. So I decided I had to address the BPD head on.

I did a lot of hard work and I still met several criteria for BPD but I have a much better grasp on my life and I'm not held hostage by my emotions any longer. It was definitely worth the work for me and my depression has improved considerably as well.

It is a stigmatized diagnosis but it sounds like your T is willing to continue to work with you despite the diagnosis. Take advantage of that and keep moving forward.

DBT does wonders for people with BPD but it also helps depression. DBT will help you gain the skills to tolerate your feelings and stop the all or nothing thoughts. I really hope you can find a DBT group Hope. I don't have BPD but I went to classes for 2 years and have improved so much with them. I have huge issues dealing with emotions. It is a slow process but so worth it. At least noq I know what I need to work on and how to do it. It is now up to me whether I want to do the right thing or not. I am in control.

I know some people try to do it on their own but I personally could never have made any progress without the classes. It takes a lot of effort to get your mind to look at things differently and my mind was just too screwed up and stuck in it's ways to turn things around on my own.

I wish you the best hope. Remember you are still the same person with the same problems with or without a dx but as long as you have one, try working on recovery. The same skills that improve BPD also improve depression and anxiety. It certainly can't hurt.

The other problem is that I only have some of the BPD traits but not enough for the diagnosis. So now my T and I are in disagreement and I don’t know what to do.

You don't have to do anything. Not everything has to be definat . Sitting with uncertainty is fine too.

It seems you have enough of bothersome symptoms of bpd that it is affecting your quality of life. Rather than getting hung up on the diagnosis, work toward working through those symptoms so that you live in less distress and pain.

I am in so much pain right now.

The office is going to call me at the beginning of the week if there are any cancellations but I doubt that they are going to get a cancellation.

And I also wish my T would find out if I have PTSD. I’ve been through several major traumas. He seems to only do what he wants and disregards everything else.

Just because you've been through trauma, doesn't actually mean you have PTSD. My doctors disagree on that: Pdoc says PTSD and T says no PTSD. Again, the diagnosis doesn't really matter. It's the symptoms that matter.

And it's okay if you don't have all the symptoms of BPD. You can have Borderline traits. Would that sound better for you? But again, it's the symptoms that matter. And treatment for Borderline traits is the same as BPD. And DBT can help with PTSD as well.