Couch 221: Definitely Spam!

I feel like I've been posting negatives here, so something positive! September was a very difficult month for L and I. Today's session was wonderful! We talked about our career path/goals and about how she holds me in mind. It was so connecting. I truly feel happy and loved right now. It was cool finding out how she got into therapy and why she chose a PhD. And it was nice getting to share with her that part of my life. And then to know that she holds me in mind even outside our session...I know that our relationship is real. I feel so at peace internally right now. It's a much needed break.

My 6th month anniversary after moving out. Also my birthday month. First birthday away.

So I flopped my exam.

The examiners were super nice, but I didn't know my topic and couldn't work out the answer from the clues.

Not crying which is surprising.

I have two days off this week before we start our second subject.

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I've been watching youtube videos on investing and I've gained an extra £72.48 which I can withdraw now if I want to.

Happy early birthday and well done for doing what's best for you.

Hope you've been recovering and can see the difference being out of that environment can make.

Hugs. I hope your days get better. Would you use some of the £72 to get something nice for yourself?

The difference is still so amazing. One of the cats loves me to bits. I wrote about it on my blog but I don't want to link it publicly.

I'm just kinda sad because my brain circuits seem wired for passive SI, and my 2 non toxic siblings have been ignoring me. Need to work to get more work on fiverr... I only have had 1 order and the competition is fierce.

(don't worry I'm safe, stopped self harming probably 9 months ago)

This year's birthday is going to be bittersweet. 2 friends gave me a red packet (usually only families do that) with enough money for 2 weeks of groceries. I'm grateful.

There's nothing I actually need at the moment. I do want the 2020 Harry potter Lego Advent calendar, but even then I don't think I will buy it for myself. If you generally wait until after Christmas it was down to £6 last year.

LEGO 75981 Harry Potter Advent Calendar 2020 Christmas Mini Build Set Hogwart's Yule Ball Scene: Amazon.co.uk: Toys & Games

I think it makes if SH was your main coping mechanism.You might just need more time.

Can you contact your siblings first rather than wait for them to get back to you?

I do have you as a contact on Insta- I'll have a look when I download the app again.

What are you selling on fiver?

I do hope that whatever you do with it, that your days get better

Hugs. I do sometimes try to initiate contact but they don't respond for like a week or it's very brief. They're probably busy, I'll drop a message asking them each "how are you?" I think it's loneliness...

I don't miss my parents but I miss my siblings, and maybe it's a good thing they're not on bad terms with them.

Fiverr is a site where people can hire you to do tasks. Currently I offer some image editing but the competition is really fierce with many offering to get a ton of work done for literally just $7.

Hi couchies! I decided to take a short vacation to a cabin in the woods with no running water or electricity (the only reason I have internet now is because I’m on a hike way up in the hills). It’s been a mix of good and bad—the place is beautiful and it is soothing to be away from the city. But also I’m really lonely here.

Also I had a heck of a time getting to the cabin on the first night—I took a wrong turn and my car got stuck in the mud so I had to hike two hours in the dark to find the cabin itself. There was practically no cell service and I was worried I’d get stuck or lost somewhere and not be able to call for help, but I figured I could hike back to the car and sleep there if I really had to. Luckily, I found the cabin in the end. Luckily the AirBnB people were super duper nice and came out yesterday to unstick my car.

The funny thing is that I was less scared during the night hiking incident than I was alone in the cabin last night. I just got so sad and lonely. I emailed T and he actually emailed me back; I must have sounded especially needy.

Anyway, hugs to all who need them. I’ll post pictures when I get back to civilization.

I'm back and forth about ending therapy. I guess because I am back and forth about it, I shouldn't end it yet. I got through my last crisis without my T. I'm just starting to think maybe I have outgrown her. Maybe I could do a year or two without therapy. Not saying I would never go back to therapy....just I've been doing it so long that it might be nice for a break.

Today I feel rather sad. No....sad isn't the right word....melancholy perhaps. I thought about calling in to work but instead I got my Dad up and he made breakfast for me (I was running late because I slept in an extra hour and had to wash my hair). But I thought about calling in just so I could have a mental health day. Just zone out and watch TV and such. My weekend is going to be so busy that I feel like I need some time just to chill but I didn't call out, I came to work anyway. I still have one sick day to use for the year so I do want to use it (it is use it or lose it). But I should plan a day off. Otherwise my parents get too worried about me. It did feel good to sleep in an extra hour. I'm still a bit tired though.

You're going every other week now, right? Maybe try going, say, every 3 weeks for a bit, see how it goes? Or once a month? My T has said he has a client or two who just come for a monthly "tune-up" sort of session. And that way, too, you'd still be her client if you ended up needing an extra/emergency session.

That is a good idea LT. Maybe I'll talk to her about once a month scheduling and see if it is something she is willing to do.

It's a bit warm with my space heater on but it's a bit cold with it off. This time of year is so funny.

Dr. T hosted today's Zoom session from what I think is his bedroom, where he's been before. But today he was at a different angle, and I could see some pictures on a wall behind him, but too far away to fully make out. I struggled a bit to focus in the beginning of the session because I was trying to figure out if they were of his family or some sort of artwork. Plus trying to figure out was was going on with a painting to the side of him that was like a circle with something in it. I was eventually able to overcome the distractions. The other times he's been at home, he's either been in his office where all I could see was a lamp, blinds, and a blank pale yellow wall, or the bedroom setting at a different angle, where it was just white closet doors and a mirror. (I suppose I could have just asked what room he was in or what the painting was, but wasn't sure if that would have been awkward.)

It's easier for me when he's just in his normal office (outside of the home), but it's pouring rain today, so I assume that's why he opted for home.

Oh it sounds lovely. I'd like to do similar to something but no cell reception is way past my comfort zone.

Glad T replied to you C.

Do you have a nice thick blanket?

My Mom has memory problems. Not dementia or Alzheimers but it's called amnesiatic mild cognitive decline or something like that. Anyway, I happened to call her on my lunch break. Shes like "I'm in the Wal-Mart Parking lot and I can't find my car!" So I told her to press the alarm button and her car would sound and then she would be able to find it. So she hung up on me. And so I called my Dad and told him what happened (since he is her main caretaker) and then I called my Mom back to make sure she found the car and she said she had and that she was driving. Whew!

I worry about my Mom sometimes!

I was gonna say, You cant just quit cold turkey! Then i realized thats exactly what i did! So i cant tell you not to! But i did slow down my pace a LOT first. Then i just kinda dwindled away. I know thats not the right word but i just felt like saying dwindled.

I ate my first can of diced red peppers last night (after the 4 cans of whole, they sent me 4 cans of diced when i reordered.) Just sprinkled garlic powder and ate it like a salad. You do not want to fart.

Thanks unaluna! I quit Pastor T cold turkey but I had this T as back up. I do have a really good support team now though. I haven't been to therapy in a month and I don't even miss it. I'll see how the appointment goes on Saturday. We'll see if I have the courage to ask her about monthly sessions. I do kind of feel bad for her because I know she needs the money and bailing on her right now doesn't seem right......but her finances shouldn't dictate whether or not I need to stay in therapy. I figured I would never be in this position because I figured like medications I would need therapy for life but I am feeling healthier than before and more stable than before (Yes I know I JUST HAD suicidal thoughts, but I got through them....they don't have as much power over me anymore!). I think I am getting stronger. Doesn't mean I should quit cold turkey though. Such a difficult decision. Shouldn't make it unilaterally. Should talk to T.

I shopped online today at Target.com for some toys for the children at my Church that I am sponsoring for Christmas. SO MUCH FUN! Goodness, they have SUCH cool toys nowadays. I wish they had some of these when I was young.

I thought it was funny that someone posted a product from the american target site on fb asking if our Target had it. Our Target is a totally unrelated company.