scared of attachment

this is the first time i thought i might get away with seeing a t and not get attached. 4 months in, and i am feeling that pull. i'm thinking i should quit while i'm ahead. i don't want to think i can't get through without her. i know i can - i also know the coping methods are not healthy. but i hate the attachment. =(

I don't know what you think about therapy, therapists, attachments, and coping but it's not that one's coping methods are not healthy, they don't work. Attachment is part of life, you can't live without being attached; we're not single celled organisms. Have you ever watched "Meercat Manor"?



That's us :-)

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this is the first time i thought i might get away with seeing a t and not get attached

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Kiya, therapy is all about forming a healthy attachment to another human being. You experienced attachment with 4 previous therapists so you know how it works. How could you do therapy without forming an attachment? What do you think you will get out of therapy with the new T if you don't form a relationship?

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i'm thinking i should quit while i'm ahead

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">So not getting attached equals being ahead? I'm wondering why you are there. Do you need some reassurance from your T that it is OK to get attached in therapy? This is a great topic to discuss with her.

ugh, y'all. i don't want to have to *need* her. I have relationships with people, i care about them, but i don't feel like i'll not get through a bad situation if i don't see or talk to them.... course, i don't tell them i get into bad situations. maybe i just have a skewed way of being in relationships? i don't get too attached to my friends so that when they move on, i am not so hurt - or at least, they don't know i'm hurt. That's how i expect t to be. so that when she decides i'm done or she can't help me, it won't be such a blow.
k

I'm in my first time in therapy. I've been in 2 years now. Today I finally poured my heart out to my T about how attached I am to him. I told him that I had to be totally honest with him. I've been wanting to tell him this for a while, but I've been scared he would cut me off that I was getting too close.

I know I've read on here a million times it happens to everyone and it's normal. My T had kept telling me how strong I was and I had to tell him I am not strong. That was all a defense. I need him badley. If I was cut off from him now I would be devastated. He said a lot of people leave at this point. They don't like that dependency. He said we pull you in and hold on to you as you heal then slowly let you go, like a baby bird. I don't like the let you go part.

I think the attachment has to be there or you won't open up. He said that he is the first man that I had a safe relationship with. I told him it's such little things that make me feel good. Last session he called me intelligent. That meant a lot to me. I've cried every time I thought about it. I'm numb to being called dumb or stupid. I've been called that all my life. It's really hard for me to accept compliments. I feel people are just saying it to make me feel good or they want something, they don't really mean it.

i know what you mean, this attachment stuff is scary, but I'm already there so i'm going to have to deal with it. I'm just hoping when the time comes I won't feel this way.

Kiya,
I totally understand your feelings! I so attached to my T that it hurts! When he tells me that he cares for me but not in the way that I want, it is excruciating. It is so difficult to care for someone more than he cares for you, which to me defines the therapeutical relationship. I'm sorry - I know this is not the best of advice, it's not very positive and I apologize for that. I will continue to go to therapy because I just can't stay away however torturous it is. You're not alone.

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RACEKA said:
He said we pull you in and hold on to you as you heal then slowly let you go, like a baby bird.

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Hmmm... this makes quite a bit of sense... which would be fine, if it wasn't just one hour a week. The rest of the time... feels like falling out of the nest with a cat at the bottom. That's why i fear it - what about the rest of the time? If i rely on her, i can't get by the rest of the week - which sucks, ya? i guess it is all part of the control and seemingly tough exterior that is put up to keep me safe. it if gets cracked - even just for her - i might fall to pieces.
=( kiya

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RACEKA said:
He said we pull you in and hold on to you as you heal then slowly let you go, like a baby bird.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I really like that, RACEKA. It sounds reassuring to me and like maybe there is method to this madness.

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If i rely on her, i can't get by the rest of the week - which sucks

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">That is so very hard when we are in the strong attachment phase--to get by the whole week. Some people go to multiple sessions a week during this time. At some point, it is supposed to become easier to last between sessions as we learn to "internalize" the therapist, know that he/she exists outside of therapy, can recall at will his/her soothing words and presence, etc. Kiya, did you ever reach the internalization point with any of your previous therapists? If so, maybe you can use that as reassurance that you will get there this time too, but you need to go through that strong attachment to get to the other side.

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i might fall to pieces

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Is it OK to fall to pieces? I don't know the answer--just wondering.

((((((((sunny))))))))) yeah, i did get to that point with one t. bt i never gave her all the pieces. i divulged very little - her concept of my experiences are pieced together by what I *didn't* say.
i'm just scared. no, i can't fall apart - i have too many responsibilities, and if i crumble, so will everything else. i can't give over control. i'm all there is left - no one will sweep up all the pieces... they'll just blow away into the dust.
grrrrrr i want to get into chat and not be alone, but the computer just refuses.

Kiya, I like that about falling out of the nest with a cat at the bottom. LOL! I know how you feel. All I can hope is when it's time to fly I will be able.

I also have that tough exterior to keep me safe. I've had to in order to survive all my life. I just talked to T about this last week. He keeps telling me how strong I am and I'm telling him how week I am, it's part of my defense. All people think I'm strong because I don't show my feelings. I don't talk about my feelings. T is the first person that I ever started to talk about my feelings or even show them. I just recently started to cry, only in front of him. I was never able to cry at all before. I only cry at good feelings. I'm numb to bad feelings. I told him I haven't been honest by means of not telling him everything.

well just keep it up sounds like your doing great alot better then me

raceka, i really haven't shown feelings either. the one exception was that i offhandedly mentioned my deceased friend last time and so she asked me point blank to talk about that; how he died, our relationship... it was all i could do to hold together. i wasn't prepared for that to come up right then and sure am not "over it" in anyway. i don't know if one gets over one's best friend dying.
but usually with her i am very matter of fact, telling things like they are, don't understand when she talks about emotions... oy.

At this point, i've emailed her all my thoughts on this - and waiting for t tomorrow. tonight i found myself going "Yay, i have t tomorrow!!... wait a minute....!" it was like "THe Emperor's New Groove" when at the end he is changing into all these animals when trying to get out of being a lamma and be human again, drinks the umteenth potion and goes "Yay!! I'm a lamma!!!"
So i am glad that this will be dealt with (at leas i really hope it will - how many times have we gone in with expectations only to have them not happen?!) and also quite anxious about the whole ordeal. But it's good! I'm facing this instead of running from it (again)... . it IS good, right? right.

Yes it is good! I will make life much less difficult in the future.

oh my gosh i'm nervous about this!!! i'll be going straight from work to t tonight.... *biting nails*
kiya

Good like today, Kiya. Hope you have a very connected session and are able to talk about the things you want to.

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Kiya said:
it was like "THe Emperor's New Groove" when at the end he is changing into all these animals when trying to get out of being a lamma and be human again, drinks the umteenth potion and goes "Yay!! I'm a lamma!!!"

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Thanks for that! I had forgotten It's like, "wait a minute, what just happened?" only there's no waiting.

Attachment (like anything else) doesn't have to be all or nothing, all the time or never, immediately or later; you can ease into it like cold ocean water? Although I remember when I was a kid and we went through Las Vegas and the hotel we stayed at had a pool. My brother and I went to the pool while my parents went out and the water seem cold when we put our toes in (doesn't it always). Well, my brother finally dived in and surfaced and said wasn't bad and I trust my brother about as far as I can throw him :-) but I finally dived in and it was ice water

I don't understand. Either your attached or your not. If your not, you can walk away and not think of them again. If you are attached they constantly nag at your mind somehow. It doesn't really bother me except I know one day it will be over. It's like having this person in your life for several years, then poof they are gone. This is hard for me to imagine. I just always want to have contact in a client/therapist relationship. This relationship feels really good and I don't want it to go away.

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RACEKA said:
Either your attached or your not.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I think there are different degrees of attachment. It' s not all black and white. At one point, I was very, very attached to my T, maybe kind of unhealthily obsessed. I thought of him constantly, wondered where he lived, what he was doing, what he was thinking, etc. But I passed through that "crush" phase and am now in a strong and comfortable attachment. I do not think of him all the time or wonder where he lives or look at his photos on my computer incessantly, or listen constantly to the mp3 I have of him singing or his voicemail message like I used to. He does not "constantly nag at my mind." Just frequently, lol. I'm just more at ease with it all. I feel very very close to him and attached, but not obsessed. For me it's a different degree of attachment, maybe not "less" but still strong, yet healthier. It's kind of like I've passed through the infatuation phase into the comfortable love phase. Although unique, it does share some similarities with other relationships.

i feared the attachment allot. The attachment I had.. and the prospect of becoming more attached. I truely understand.

Kiya,
You're so courageous! Good luck. Let us know how it goes!

<font color="#000088">[Kuzco and Pacha are tied to a tree branch floating in a river]
Pacha: Uh-oh.
Kuzco: Don't tell me. We're about to go over a huge waterfall.
Pacha: Yep.
Kuzco: Sharp rocks at the bottom?
Pacha: Most likely.
Kuzco: Bring it on. </font>

Don't tell me; we're all going to be talking in movie quotes for awhile now

Sister!!!

Mother Superior: I am a relic and I have misplaced my tambourine. ~ Sister Act

Thanks all - this has been helpful.
Sol
now i'm gonna have to watch that movie tonight =)

"I may be new to this whole rescue-thing, but this seems like a step... backward."

Ah ok focus. so i had t tonight... i'm sorry but the last hour of work before a t appointment that you're totally dreading, but wanting to go to - *sucks*!!
she did manage to say "you need a consistent person in your life whose going to see you through thick and thin"... though far from "Of course I'll always be here, i'll never ever leave you no matter what and you can call when ever you need to", is still certainly acceptable. it was really hard to talk about attachment and i totally couldn't tell her that i thought of her during the week when i was in crisis *wishing* desperately that she would call... because ...well.. that would just be too.. desperate *licks wounded cat pride*.
she wants me to be able to be less reserved.... oy. give me another 5 years, and we'll see.
one thing i never understand is around SI and why even in therapy it seems *hush hush*. they may ask why it was done, with what, and how many, but then that's it... gone... like "if we ignore it, maybe the client will stop doing it". i always find this very odd - not that i have a better solution.

gosh - i try to contain everything from her - emotions, thoughts, i try to watch her and appear attentive... sometimes she makes me laugh - which i am learning is a ploy all my past ts have used.... i just feel like i have to contain contain contain - and yet that is what she wants me to NOT do. This is going to take some time, methinks.
kiya