[Lonelyinmyheart]

T didn't tell me she was going for a second week's holiday shortly after the first one. I only found out as she mentioned it in connection with something else right at the end of yesterday's session.

I'm devastated, not just that she's going away twice within a few days but that it didn't occur to her that she hadn't mentioned it. It's kind of a big thing.

I have a lot going on in my life - awful stuff - and that is really hard to deal with.

She told me to text her about it (she knew I was upset) and I did but no reply.

This morning I asked if I could see her for an extra session or a call sometime over the next few days. She replied saying she was totally booked up. She has never said no to a call. She nearly always fits me in for a session.

I'm absolutely distraught. I told her to forget it and she responded that she couldn't not show up or cancel everything. She's not normally defensive.

We have a close relationship and I don't know what to do. The overriding feeling is hurt that she somehow didn't realise she hadn't said she was having not one holiday but two. There's nothing unusual about the second holiday, she's just going with other members of her family, so it's not something she'd rather not think about or anything like that.

I made clear I was in despair and couldn't sit with this over the next week. I never say that. And yet she said no even to a short call.

I feel broken.

[Waterbear]

Oh god, that would absolutely throw me for a loop too!!! I'm not surprised you feel awful, and I'm sorry she won't even talk to you about it! It's like someone coming up to your door and giving you a really nasty present and you just having to accept it. That doesn't seem fair. But then, as I'm sure you know on a rational level, these challenges are all part of the work. I just hope eventually you get the chance to talk it through and work things out with her. Sucks in the meantime though. If you have one, fall back ok your self care plan. People to reach out to (if that's your thing) or things to do to help like journalling or going for a walk.

I'm sorry I don't have much more else to say that will I'm any way help, it must really hurt and I'm really sorry.

[Lonelyinmyheart]

Thanks Waterbear. It wouldn't be so bad if T had responded to my text about it. Or my email which I also sent last night. I needed her to hear my feelings and while I think she has read them, I don't feel contained because there's no apology or even acknowledgement. T doesn't do 'therapy' over text/email, she will only send short replies, so I'm kind of not surprised, but I think she would have made an exception with this.

I believe she is genuinely busy right now but it hurts beyond belief that she can't make time for a short call. It's not something I ask for very often. This is the first time she has ever indicated that she can't and it has added a whole new layer of pain on top of everything else.

The first holiday is for two weeks, followed by another for a week. So I wanted to find out whether she's got time to see me in between before she goes again. With flights being the way they are, I'm not even sure she'll get back in time.

I feel utterly abandoned by her. She always does her best for me and maybe she has been too giving because now I've hit a boundary and I can't cope with it.

I do think she can't cope with my anger and it's part of it. She was VERY defensive in her message.

[LonesomeTonight]

Hugs, I'm so sorry--this would really upset me, too. Was yesterday's session the last one before her holiday? If so, do you know when she's leaving? If, say, she's leaving Saturday, I could see how she might literally not have time for a phone call or session, if she has a bunch of stuff to take care of. Though I understand how painful that is. However, if she's not leaving until, say, next week, I'd think she'd be able to fit something in. Also do you know how much time will be in between the holidays?

I wonder if maybe you could contact her and simply ask the question of "Could we find time to meet between your holidays?"

[Lonelyinmyheart]

Thanks Lonesome. I could -and with hindsight I should have simply done that. But I guess the emotional part of me overrode everything and all I could think about was how I hadn't mattered enough for her to ensure she'd tell me something as important as a second holiday. I know that's unfair on her though because T does care very deeply and I know that for sure. I wanted her to really hear my distress about it though. The other issue is she is not the most organised of people. She won't even set a session in stone for her return - her approach is to text me when she's back and arrange something, which causes me anxiety. But the flights in UK are being cancelled left right and centre so there's no guarantees even if T said she'd be back in time. She indicated she's only back for a few days in between, but I don't know for sure. Her jet lag will be intense too.

There's still two more sessions before her holiday so I will see her to talk about it. But I honestly feel unable to sit with it until next Wednesday and now with her saying she can't make time for a call I'm freaking about that too. I think she is upset with me for being angry with her.

[Lonelyinmyheart]

Well I've sent her another email. It's pretty heartfelt and honest and I'm just praying she'll send something back. I also asked her about the dates. I know she's busy but maybe she'll respond as she's said she can't call. I've said I'm scared. Will see.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by Lonelyinmyheart

Thanks Lonesome. I could -and with hindsight I should have simply done that. But I guess the emotional part of me overrode everything and all I could think about was how I hadn't mattered enough for her to ensure she'd tell me something as important as a second holiday. I know that's unfair on her though because T does care very deeply and I know that for sure. I wanted her to really hear my distress about it though. The other issue is she is not the most organised of people. She won't even set a session in stone for her return - her approach is to text me when she's back and arrange something, which causes me anxiety. But the flights in UK are being cancelled left right and centre so there's no guarantees even if T said she'd be back in time. She indicated she's only back for a few days in between, but I don't know for sure. Her jet lag will be intense too.

There's still two more sessions before her holiday so I will see her to talk about it. But I honestly feel unable to sit with it until next Wednesday and now with her saying she can't make time for a call I'm freaking about that too. I think she is upset with me for being angry with her.

Oh, I completely understand reaching out to her, as I struggle to sit with things as well. And I get feeling like you don't matter enough. But I imagine she thought she'd told you and hadn't. It does seem like she should be able to make time for a brief call before Wednesday though. Or at the very least to say she could try. Or that she'd let you know if there was an opening in her schedule for an earlier session (like if someone canceled).

That's really frustrating, too, that she won't schedule something for when she's back. I can understand her not wanting to schedule something and having to cancel though, if the flights are such a mess.

I do wonder if you're right that she's upset because you're angry with her. As I feel similar things have happened before with my T. She should be accepting of your anger though, or at the very least not be punishing you for it, if that's what's going on with not giving you a call. Or maybe she knows she messed up in not telling you about the second holiday and doesn't want to deal with addressing that with you? Either way, those are her things, not yours, though of course they're impacting you. It's also entirely possible her schedule is completely booked up and it has nothing to do with you though.

I hope you hear something else back from her.

[Lonelyinmyheart]

Yes I'm also pretty hurt that T didn't say she couldn't call in the next couple of days but hopefully early next week - or something like that. Even that would have helped

Intuitively I do feel that T is struggling with my anger and kind of avoiding it as she knows she has messed up and deeply upset me. I think she knows it's a massive deal but rather than owning that she's gone all distant and defensive. I have to say T is not normally like this at all. She's very good at knowing her own stuff. I suspect she is very busy right now but she has always in the past made time even if it's only for a few minutes, so I think her saying 'no' is a case of both her hectic schedule and not wanting to speak to me. The problem is I know that and it's scaring me more. I just hope she responds to my email so that I can at least get through the week.

[SlumberKitty]

Oh my goodness! There have been times in my life where something like that would have devastated me! I feel for you. I'm sorry your T got defensive and that she is too busy to make time for you. That would hurt so much. Offering you hugs, if wanted. Kit

[Lonelyinmyheart]

Thank you Kit. Hugs gratefully received. I feel incredibly sad.

[SlumberKitty]

Originally Posted by Lonelyinmyheart

Thank you Kit. Hugs gratefully received. I feel incredibly sad.

I can imagine.

[unaluna]

This is reminding me of when my mother died. My t was leaving for a planned overseas vacation in just a couple of days. I was stunned by both events. Looking back now, there was nothing i could do to stop either, and i guess that was the lesson for me. My t had been there for me 1, 2, 3, or 4 days a week for idk almost ten years? My mother? Never there. So my t didnt have to actually be there, to "be there". He was a big help the day or so before he left. I wasnt planning to go to the funeral festivities at all, but he convinced me to go, and that was the better choice.

So im figuring some of this out just now, 5 or 6 years later. Im sorry you're in pain.

[Lonelyinmyheart]

Thank you Una. I totally understand what you're saying and I can see how much T HAS been here for me. We actually had this conversation once when she didn't respond to me asking for a call because I was in crisis. She didn't pick up my text until the morning because she was asleep early evening due to feeling unwell and she said if she'd seen my text of course she would have called me. I told her not to feel bad as I knew she was always there for me and that one time didn't mean anything.

It's ironic she has refused a call now though....

I guess I can see past everything. It's just hard because she hasn't responded to my desperate need for her to acknowledge my hurt about the holiday and then she became defensive about my need for a session/call. It's less about the holiday itself now and more about the emotional issues around it.

I just want everything to be okay between us. I think she is upset with me.

[velcro003]

Awww, Lonely. I’m so sorry. I would also feel upset if my T seemed to be ignoring me. One of my biggest triggers.

Keep us updated, and I hope she writes or calls you back.

[unaluna]

Thank you, lonely. I dont think your t is upset or angry with you. She just isnt answering you right now. Whether it's because of a boundary, or because she is being held hostage, or whatever, doesnt matter.

Does SHE have to acknowledge your feelings for them to seem valid to you, or do YOU need to value them more, all on your own? She is the training wheels on your bike. My parents used to tell the story of how i learned to walk - one night my dad saw me whizzing down the hallway past the open bathroom door where he was shaving. Nobody helping me. So maybe im slanted this way!

[SlumberKitty]

Originally Posted by Lonelyinmyheart

I think she is upset with me.

This line stuck out to me.

Maybe it is my own "stuff" talking here. So forgive me if it doesn't apply to you. But I'll say it in case maybe it is helpful.

I often have the feeling, or thought, that others are upset with me. It is often an erroneous thought. Just yesterday I thought that I had annoyed my coworker by asking for her help. Turns out she was not annoyed!

Mine stems from my childhood when my mother was frequently upset with me. Usually for something that wasn't really my fault, or that wasn't unusual for a child. It was *her* issues that she was putting on me. But I didn't realize that at the time so now I have this internalized alarm button going off all the time that is in a panic like, oh that person is upset with me!

I don't know if that is the case here with your T. I have no way of knowing how your T feels. But I wondered if you too have a button in you that goes off and into the "someone is upset with me" mode pretty easily.

I can definitely see how this button could have been triggered! I mean, my button would be screaming at me if I were in your shoes!

Often, I have to step back and remind myself that my button is sensitive or touchy and that I cannot know how someone else is feeling. By the way, I often try to fix how someone else is feeling by overresponding to them. It's not even something they have thought about and I am trying to make it better and then they look at me like I'm nuts!

I certainly feel for you. This is a very distressing situation. I hope that your T will be professional and also caring toward you. And if she is upset with you that she owns that as *her* stuff to deal with.

HUGS, HUGS, HUGS, Kit

[Waterbear]

If it helps at all... My Ex T was always very good at owning her own stuff in person, but we always hit the same struggles as you are describing when it came to anger and hurt through emails. She would say she didn't but her replies to those emails were always very short and very terse. Seemingly upset with me, but as soon as we met in person again things were fine and she apologized and owned her side in the struggle. Very very odd. I never did fully understand it, but thought it might help you to hear it, and maybe give you some hope that next Wednesday things will be ok. I'm glad you have some time to try and sort this before she goes.

[Lonelyinmyheart]

Thank you everyone. This is a quick message as I'm blind drunk but I wanted to say my T wrote back to my email. She said she heard and understood everything I said and that she simply forgot she hadn't told me about the second holiday and it wasn't that I don't matter or am not important as I really am. She said she's very busy working 14 hour days to try and pay for it all. She said we can definitely see each other in between her two holidays.

I still feel very sad but better. It seems once I reached out to her without defensiveness she responded in kind.

I will reply properly to everyone tomorrow.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by Lonelyinmyheart

Thank you everyone. This is a quick message as I'm blind drunk but I wanted to say my T wrote back to my email. She said she heard and understood everything I said and that she simply forgot she hadn't told me about the second holiday and it wasn't that I don't matter or am not important as I really am. She said she's very busy working 14 hour days to try and pay for it all. She said we can definitely see each other in between her two holidays.

I still feel very sad but better. It seems once I reached out to her without defensiveness she responded in kind.

I will reply properly to everyone tomorrow.

I'm glad she replied and was understanding. And that you can meet in between the holidays. (Also, ugh, 14-hour days, sounds like she can't actually afford these holidays if she has to do that, but that's beside the point. Though she shouldn't be telling you that, needing to work long days to pay for it....)

[SlumberKitty]

I'm glad your T replied! HUGS Kit

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

I'm glad she replied and was understanding. And that you can meet in between the holidays. (Also, ugh, 14-hour days, sounds like she can't actually afford these holidays if she has to do that, but that's beside the point. Though she shouldn't be telling you that, needing to work long days to pay for it....)

For me, this would sting. I guess the reality is that we are work and it's contracted work for payment. That's a painful reality.

I am pleased you aren't experiencing therapist abandonment, Lonelyinmyheart. I had no idea that it could be this painful. It is a good position to be in where you can experience this pain and work it through with her. And, as an aside, therapist holidays are the worst.

[*Beth*]

Well, I'll say that I sure do understand how you were feeling and my heart goes out to you. I guess I'll refrain from going into how much faith I've lost in therapists this summer, because I guess that's my own issue and not necessarily "the truth."

I'm definitely glad she did contact you. That means a lot.

[Lonelyinmyheart]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Thank you, lonely. I dont think your t is upset or angry with you. She just isnt answering you right now. Whether it's because of a boundary, or because she is being held hostage, or whatever, doesnt matter.

Does SHE have to acknowledge your feelings for them to seem valid to you, or do YOU need to value them more, all on your own? She is the training wheels on your bike. My parents used to tell the story of how i learned to walk - one night my dad saw me whizzing down the hallway past the open bathroom door where he was shaving. Nobody helping me. So maybe im slanted this way!

I can validate my own but I struggle more when it's in relation to her. Maybe it's the child part rather than the adult. I wish it wasn't like that. I was very independent as a child too - had to be. But T's opinion matters a lot.

[Lonelyinmyheart]

Originally Posted by SlumberKitty

This line stuck out to me.

Maybe it is my own "stuff" talking here. So forgive me if it doesn't apply to you. But I'll say it in case maybe it is helpful.

I often have the feeling, or thought, that others are upset with me. It is often an erroneous thought. Just yesterday I thought that I had annoyed my coworker by asking for her help. Turns out she was not annoyed!

Mine stems from my childhood when my mother was frequently upset with me. Usually for something that wasn't really my fault, or that wasn't unusual for a child. It was *her* issues that she was putting on me. But I didn't realize that at the time so now I have this internalized alarm button going off all the time that is in a panic like, oh that person is upset with me!

I don't know if that is the case here with your T. I have no way of knowing how your T feels. But I wondered if you too have a button in you that goes off and into the "someone is upset with me" mode pretty easily.

I can definitely see how this button could have been triggered! I mean, my button would be screaming at me if I were in your shoes!

Often, I have to step back and remind myself that my button is sensitive or touchy and that I cannot know how someone else is feeling. By the way, I often try to fix how someone else is feeling by overresponding to them. It's not even something they have thought about and I am trying to make it better and then they look at me like I'm nuts!

I certainly feel for you. This is a very distressing situation. I hope that your T will be professional and also caring toward you. And if she is upset with you that she owns that as *her* stuff to deal with.

HUGS, HUGS, HUGS, Kit

Thank you. My button has been pushed too. I mean, I feel better at having heard from her. But there's some repair work to do. I always try to tell myself she isn't upset and I don't know how she's feeling, but my upbringing has affected me there as well.

[Lonelyinmyheart]

Originally Posted by Waterbear

If it helps at all... My Ex T was always very good at owning her own stuff in person, but we always hit the same struggles as you are describing when it came to anger and hurt through emails. She would say she didn't but her replies to those emails were always very short and very terse. Seemingly upset with me, but as soon as we met in person again things were fine and she apologized and owned her side in the struggle. Very very odd. I never did fully understand it, but thought it might help you to hear it, and maybe give you some hope that next Wednesday things will be ok. I'm glad you have some time to try and sort this before she goes.

Yes my T is similar. She's great in person - owns her own stuff, apologises non defensively, talks to me about my feelings etc. She doesn't come across so well over text or email and it's been an issue that causes me a lot of angst. I think she has a real problem with me being angry with her so rather than see the pain behind it, she takes it personally as it upsets her.