Afraid of being “too much”

Does anyone else have this fear? I am constantly afraid that I will cross a boundary of my T’s and she will not be able to stand me any longer. I pushed her too much-too many emails (which she allows), and in general just being needy.

I wrote my T an email on Saturday, to which she didn’t reply to. It had no subject line, so I wonder if maybe it went to spam? I don’t even know if her email (a secure acct) does spam. Anyway, I was still feeling terrible yesterday, and super anxious about my dental procedure, so I emailed
her again.

She replied today to the one I wrote yesterday, telling me to use my grounding skills and try and stay in the present.

I don’t know exactly what triggered it, but I am 100% convinced I am going to go in there on Friday and she’s going to tell me I contact her too much, therefore I AM too much.

I know the answer is to talk to her about it, but that absolutely terrifies me. It makes me entirely too vulnerable, and if I am sending too many emails or am too needy in some way, I will be devastated.

I used to, all the time. It was really bad, but in time and through the work we did, it lessened, if that gives you any hope. It's a horrible feeling though, and the only advice I can give is this. The only way out, is through. Hugs if wanted!

Oh yes. I used to get the feeling a lot before. Like with former T. Not so much since then but my attachment to that T was intense. (Still kind of is even though she does not respond if I do send her an email or text which is rare). I still miss her like crazy and I'm convinced she wouldn't take me back as a client because I was too much.

She got sick with MS. Stopped practicing for a few years and then went back part time. I asked to resume work with her but she said no. She said she couldn't be the therapist I needed her to be. Sounds like a fancy way of saying I was too much for her.

I haven't really gotten that feeling with the current T. If anything sometimes she is too much for me! But I'm sure I have worn on her patience a few times. HUGS. It's a difficult feeling. I'm sorry you have to sit with it right now.

I worry about this as well. The good and bad thing about Dr. T is that he *will* tell me if something is too much, if some sort of contact bothered or irritated him, etc. It's only happened a couple times, but it crushed me when it did, even though he kept saying those couple times that it was no big deal, that he was already basically over it. And that he will always tell me very early on if something is bothering him, not wait until it's become a big issue for him. And that we'd be able to work through it (barring some sort of huge transgression, like a client who physically threatened him once).

The thing is, I'm used to people--both in my personal life and in therapy (ex-T and ex-MC) acting like everything was fine (even if I asked) until one day it was suddenly too much. So it's difficult for me to accept how Dr. T will let me know early on (particularly if I ask), before it becomes a big deal. And that it's OK to irritate someone, to maybe be a little "too much" at times. But he's reassured me at times when I've expressed fears that I'm "too much" in general, that he's tired of me, etc. So with him it's more about an action rather than the person as a whole. Like, it became a bit too much when I was texting him before every session to confirm we were meeting in person. But *I* wasn't too much, just that particular thing.

I wonder if you've had similar experiences in life--with outside life and/or therapy? I wonder if it could help if you could ask your T if she would let you know if you were anywhere near being "too much" in terms of contact, before it became a big issue? I know that could be difficult and painful--both to talk about it and to hear that maybe on a particular occasion you've reached out too much. But knowing that she'd tell you early on could possibly help?


Or if you could ask her what she generally considers too much outside contact. Like, if you email a few times between sessions, is that OK? Especially if, say, it's just something you're doing during a particularly stressful period, and it won't continue indefinitely? (That's what my T was concerned about with the check-in texts, that they'd just go on forever.) Or that you shouldn't interpret her not replying as it being "too much," but just that she's been busy or was trying to think of the right thing to say?

I do think you need to talk about it though, as difficult as it will be. But I think you could also extend the discussion to be about other places in your life where you've felt (including childhood) or currently feel like too much for someone.

100%. Awesome T picked up on it the very first session and mentioned it but didn't push... more noticed it out loud. We have had a couple weeks in four years where I have not contacted him outside of session, we have gone through spells where it has been every day and long, times of short ones here and there... and even a couple of times where he was thinking of me and sent me a quick email.
4 years and every time I ask him to hold my hand or ask for a hug I worry that it is going to be that one time too much.
And... when I don't ask... somewhere just before the end of the session he will get this smirk... mischievous, loving, knowing, smart @ss smirk... and ask when I am going to ask for a hug.

Now we are ending therapy and I am counting those treasured moments that make me fear I am too much... how many hugs are left, how much time, how many emails... 5 hugs, 5 hours, ?? emails.

Both T and I know where it comes from, when it got cemented in hard... neither of us know what it will take for the feeling to go away. But... 4 years and never too much. T has even agreed to stay in touch to some degree after we end.

He has good boundaries and to him I have never been too much... not once in 4 years have I been too much for him... and tomorrow when I get to his office and want a hug I will still wonder... is THIS the too much hug. AND I know he will smile and eagerly hug me and it will all be OK

Thanks everyone. I will reply more in depth later. It helps to feel I am not the only one.

Thanks waterbear. I am going to stamp my feet like an angry toddler and yell, "But I don't WANT to go through it!" lol.
Thanks Kit. It is SO hard to sit with it.
Thanks LT. I do know I need to talk about it...will I? Doubtful.

I don't know HOW you got through those ruptures with Dr. T when he told you that you irritated him or annoyed him. OMG. I would shut down completely and never bring the relationship up again. You have amazing perserverance!

Also, yes, I tend to assume everyone will get sick of me at some point. I have had friends for over 20 years now, so mostly those relationships are stable, but I do worry that I will "overshare" with them and they will be rolling their eyes at me.
Wow, wow, wow! Awesome T IS awesome. I am afraid my feelings of it will never go away either, and I don't "really" know where it comes from. I am assuming childhood, but I can't point to anything, so its hard.

Yes, I am always worried about asking for too much or being needy: with L and J.

With J I worry because she said that she doesn't put in a fraction of looking for care for her clients when she's on vacation. To me, I feel like she must see me as a burden because I was texting her everyday at all times of the day. I checked in with her about it, and she says I'm not a burden and she does not regret being a support for me.

I email L daily. Sometimes multiple times a day. And sometimes phone calls as well. I worry one day she will tell me no more or will punish me by taking away out-of-session support. But she reassures me that will not be the case. That she only offers what she can offer. And that our commitments and rituals and agreements work for us.

L says everyone is needy. She says we all can be a "fussy baby" at times. And people who consider others as a burden actually don't have their own good boundaries.

Yeah I am SO AFRAID that she will take away out of contact support.
Which I will take as I have crossed a limit, will shut down, and will never approach our relationship again.

Velcro, perhaps I can suggest you reframe that last sentance?

I will take as I have crossed a limit, will shut down, and will never approach our relationship again.
I will take as I have crossed a limit, want to shut down, and want to never approach our relationship again.
I will take as I have crossed a limit, may want to shut down, and may want to never approach our relationship again.
I will take as I have crossed a limit, may want to shut down, and may want to never approach our relationship again, but I will try.

Thanks AliceKate for reframing that for me.

I feel absolutely HORRIBLE because I emailed
my T again today. What is wrong with me?! It’s like I’m trying to sabotage this.

dont' mean to hijack your thread velcro but wanted to say alicekate i like the way you did that gradually. i have a hard time reframing stuff and had never thought of doing it in smaller steps and neither L nor C ever suggested doing it like that. so thank you!

I liked that too alicekate

I am having a spike in emails to T... between a part integrating and nearing the end I am extra needy. That reminded me of the last time I was sending T a LOT of emails between sessions. I was sending a lot of emails and most of them were long. I went to session and T gently brought up the emails and asked if it would be OK to talk about that now or did I have something I needed to talk about and we could talk about the emails at the end of session. OMG I was so scared! If there had been anything I wanted to talk about it was gone, I was so scared.

T was SO gentle and I know he knew I was scared. He kept the WHOLE thing about him not about me. He explained how he had a lot of activities going on outside of work right now and was also working a lot of hours and needed to pay attention to his self care. He said that he would still read all my emails but he may not be able to get to all of them before our next session. He said he was reading them during down times (like waiting at a Dr appointment) so he may not reply. He validated my need for support and said it was OK that I was wanting that support from him.

I think he was worried that I would react poorly but it felt SO good to have the therapist acknowledge their professional limits instead of blaming my need.

So I hope that if there is ever a change in your T's email policy that it is handled as well as awesome T handled it with me. Emails still ebb and flow and sometimes he answers and sometimes he doesn't but they still have never been too much...

Thank you so much for this. I know that my T will be gentle with me about it, if it is an issue. The problem is, no matter how gentle she is, how much logical sense she makes about it all, I still will shut down. It probably is one of my biggest fears, feeling like a burden on others.

I get it, as that's one of my biggest fears, too. With the thing where Dr. T said my check-in texts (on whether we were meeting in person) had become irritating, he told me he put it as gently as felt possible to me. So he was a bit confused as to why I was so upset. And I said he could be as gentle as a baby lamb, that it didn't matter--it was the thought of bothering someone or being a burden that was the issue.

How did he respond to that?

I'm trying to think of what he actually said. Ah, right: He said how I can be difficult to give feedback to because of how I react. So he feels that at times, he can't really say anything or I'll react poorly. Which of course didn't feel good--it felt like he was being critical of me (which I guess he was!). But then it led to a discussion of how I tend to be that way in my outside life, too. And why--messages from childhood, fear of rejection, anxiety, etc.

It was painful, but ended up being an important discussion. Because I do need to be able to take feedback and criticism at times (whether work-related, from H, etc.). Just shutting down isn't a practical or productive way to handle it. It didn't magically lead to a change, but just identifying and talking about things can help sometimes.

He was also trying to emphasize how I can do something that bothers him, that he can provide feedback but that doesn't mean he's going to abandon me. I forget whether it was that session or another one, but he also said how both his wife and son had already irritated him that day (our session was in the morning), and he imagined he'd probably irritated them even more. But that the relationships are OK.

Ugh. I just sat in my first T’s office (not the one I am freaking out about) crying for an hour over this. I don’t feel any better. Also, she told me I am challenging to work with, because I reject all of her suggestions
of things to make me feel better. So now I feel like a REAL shitey client, I apologized (while crying my eyes out) and she said it is ok, and she understands.

But who wants to be challenging??

She also said that it is unethical for T’s to foster a dependency with their clients. This is EXACTLY what I am afraid my trauma T thinks. Now it has been confirmed by one source.

I have to be back at work for the rest of the afternoon, and I am barely holding myself together.

Also, thanks LT for your response.

HUGS Velcro

Hugs Velcro, I'm so sorry you are going through this difficulty. If I can just throw an alternative viewpoint, from a therapist, out there... Sometimes, in therapy, it is necessary for a T to foster dependency. For the client to get attached, when they may not have done so as a child. In time, this attachment becomes less intense, as safety is believed/felt. Then the plan is that the clients learns how to detach in a healthy way.

It's not an easy process, that's for sure but personally I found it incredibly healing to allow myself to lean into the attachment. To learn to trust my therapist and learn to believe that I wasn't too much. That, in fact, if she ever wasn't able to meet my needs, that was because she wasn't enough. Not in a derogatory way, but just the opposite of me being too much.

It took time, lots of time, and lots of 'testing' and lots and lots of patience and reassurance and honesty from my T, but we did get there. Absolutely I still feel some attachment to her, otherwise I wouldnt have found her leaving so hard, but it's not like it was at the beginning. It's really different.

I just wanted to say that the uncertainty and the fear and the worry are all part of the process, of this type of work, I think, not that that helps you really. It certainly won't make it going away! I just womdrred if it might give you a little hope, and to know that you aren't alone in feeling the way you do.

Take lots of care

Thank you SO much for this. I am going to tell my regular T that her statement that I am challenging hurt me. I know she said she understand where it comes from, but ouch.

I just got back from my session with trauma T. I have such a huge headache, but the very short story is that everything is okay.

I cried for about 45 minutes before I could say anything to her. I was so, so terrified of going and her reaction to me. I did tell her that my big fear that was driving all of this is being too much/needy. She immediately reassured me that she doesn’t think I am at all. I think she told me at least 5 times throughout the session.

Of course she asked if there was something that triggered this fear, and I somehow managed to say yes. Then cried for another ten minutes. I just couldn’t say “I am afraid I am emailing you too much.” What if she agreed? She did end up guessing that it was because she didn’t respond to my email.

I feel SO much shame for this being the reason I have been in a spiral the past few days. I still feel this way even though she reassured me multiple times that she doesn’t think I need to be ashamed about this, that she encourages me to email her. That I am not too much.

She said that in this type of therapy work, we are going to bump into attachment stuff. That she thinks I was never given the ok that my needs were not too much. In response, I internalized it and became someone who feels any need is very, very overwhelming. But that other people might not feel the same way about it.

She also apologized for not responding back, and that she will try to be better about it-that it had absolutely nothing to do with me. That makes me feel worse, because I know this was an overreaction, and didn’t want to make her feel bad about it in any way.

She responded that the way she feels is absolutely nothing compared to the suffering I was going through, and she doesn’t want me to feel like that.

She also asked that if I get triggered in a similar way in the future, that I please let her know. That she wants to know, and that it will help to work through it together.

Whew. It was intense. I am beyond exhausted. I want to believe her, but am really afraid to.

Thanks everyone for your awesome replies.

waterbear
velcro

I'm so pleased you braved the difficulty and had that conversation Velcro, and that everything was ok. The thing to try and know/remember is that no amount of her telling you will help... You have to experience it, to be able to internalise it. Time after time of her still being there. Her not pushing you away. Her still welcoming you and being there for you. Eventually your internal system will learn that it IS ok. But yeah, worlds (whilst really good to hear) won't really help, in my experience!

Oh, and PS, the other thing my T taught me (she was amazing!) was that the tiredness is totally normal, because the body and brain and developing and learning soooooo much. Think about why babies and teenagers sleep so much, because the brain is developing at the fastest rates then, so exhaustion whilst undertaking therapy can actually be a really positive sign, it means changes are happening, even if it might be ridiculously uncomfortable at the time.

Take it easy, be kind to yourself and I'm glad your T said you could reach out and tell her you are triggered. I'm sure that will help her to know how to help.