Couch 241: Twin primes!

Sorry Dr. T is sick LT but glad to hear that he can still meet with you, even if it is virtually. I hope you have a good session. HUGS Kit

I've been so tired lately. I know that it isn't my medicine because that hasn't changed. But I do have fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome so I think this is acting up. Like a flare they call it. It has been raining a lot here in Southern California. Like a lot a lot. I have lived in this area all my life and I have never seen it rain so much. It's good because we have been in severe drought for so long and even all this rain probably isn't going to get us out of it but weather changes can cause a flare. I'm so tired I wanted to take a 10 minute nap while defrosting my car. (I didn't because I was afraid I would sleep more than 10 minutes!) I went home from work early on Wednesday to nap. I couldn't sleep of course, but I rested. Which allowed me enough energy to go to Church that night. I hope it doesn't get really bad. Before when I worked in retail I would have to sleep in my car before I took the commute home and I would lay on the floor in the office and take a nap on my lunch break. I was so exhausted I couldn't help it. I hope it doesn't get this bad. My Dad brought me, and my two female colleagues that work in the same building as me, Annihilators from Dutch Bros. I zelled him but he went and picked them up and dropped them off. The caffeine will help with the energy issue a little but I am almost done with it and I still feel like I could go take a nap and sleep for 6 hours. I am doing some self care. I cancelled my morning Zoom tomorrow with a friend for religious study so I can sleep in as much as possible. (I can't sleep in on Sunday because of Church.) But I will try to nap both days as well. I don't know how to get over this hump! It's so exhausting being exhausted!

Hugs, Kit, I hope you feel better soon! I heard about all the rain there.

And session with Dr. T went fairly well. He was clearly sick, but didn't seem at death's door or anything. He's had a few negative Covid tests and was going to take another one. We had some more good discussion about the effect of the pandemic on our relationship and also how some of what we discussed could apply to other relationships in my life--in part my feeling like I need to fill specific roles for people, to give them certain things, like just being LT isn't enough. So stuff we're going to explore more.

One funny moment: I was saying how, because we also had talked about his dog some last session, it would be fitting if she came bursting through the door behind him. He said, "That would be really weird, because that's a closet!" Me: "Oh, I thought it was the door to the room!" He said, "Please alert me if anything comes out of that door--anything at all!"

Hahaha....that's brilliant, LT.

I hope your flare eases soon, Kit.

Gentle hugs Kit, I hope you feel better soon.

So I went with H to his regular liver-medication-study appointment this morning, I asked him a question about something unrelated because I got a text needing an immediate answer while they were doing one of their tests and he freaking yelled at me like I'm a child or something and got all super-out-of-proportion aggravated and I've just been so fed up with him lately I said, and I quote,"you know what, **** you." and I left the room I didn't intend to slam the door but it is just one of those doors that if you don't hold it while it closes it slams. I felt bad and I owe the liver study doctor an apology. I just lost it, I ****ing lost it, I feel so bad about it happening there. I should have known it was going to happen. Ugh. I should have been able to control myself until we left the doctor's office and I feel bad. Do you guys think I should call them and apologize or just let it go?

HUGS Artie. I don't think you need to apologize to the doctor's office. You didn't say it to them, you said it to H right? I'm sure they have had similar situations before. But if you are going to beat yourself up over it then call and apologize so that way you can forgive yourself. By the way, you are still our wonderful Artie! Sending you hugs and love Kit

Thank you, Kit. I very clearly said it to him, yes. I have her cell phone # maybe I'll text her.

Artie, i bet they were all admiring your restraint AND your ability to be present in the moment. You dont need to apologize for his bad behavior.

I don't think you need to apologize, Artie. I'm sure they didn't take it personally, and could probably tell what was going on. You were setting a boundary and removed yourself from the situation. You did it in the best way you could in that moment. Don't be too hard on yourself. You're dealing with a lot.

Thanks Una. I would be apologizing for me slamming the door mostly - I didn't mean for that to happen.

Thanks Scarlet. I feel like I'm only now learning how to set boundaries and it's messy I guess when you're learning. I set another one recently I think this is one anyway - after he made the comment about my weight - we used to each have a weight chart hanging on the bathroom wall that we recorded our weight on, I took mine down shortly after he made the comment, so now he won't know anymore.

I think I'll just let it go. I don't want to draw any more attention to it than already has been.

I just logged on to work to see if there was possibly a change to my 8 hour overtime day tomorrow - and halleluja miracles happen, it has been reduced to 4 hours! Yay!

This I think is wise Artie. HUG

Yahoo! That's great!

Ugh- my HR department changed over to a new system and for some reason a bunch of employees (including me) did not get paid today. They are sending paper checks but with the bank and mail Holiday on Monday it will be at least Tuesday before I see it. Then I have to deposit it. My Director offered to front me some cash but I told him I'm fine. Some of the employees were crying.

Wow, that's horrible Polibeth. I've had it happen a few times in my work history. It was always unpleasant. I hope the glitches get fixed soon and it doesn't happen again. HUG if wanted, Kit

Oh no! I'm so sorry that happened Polibeth. I would think they should have sent them by overnight express at the least, or even a same-day courier or something instead of regular mail. I hope you get it quickly and are okay until then.

Just rec'd another rejection email from a literary magazine I'd submitted a poem to. Oh well, one more rejection closer to an acceptance, right? Actually, I appreciate hearing something, even if it's a rejection; somehow that still feels better than no response at all. It was even a personalized rejection, as she pointed out a couple of things that she really liked about my poem even though it wasn't a perfect fit. So I'm going to do some further editing on it and submit it someplace else because I like it.

I was just reading through after-session notes I'd typed up after one of the last sessions with L in 2012 before she moved away. I had completely forgotten about this - apparently, she told me she loved me during that session, & that 2 people can't do the kind of depth work we'd done without feeling love for each other. I don't know how I could have forgotten about that. I'm feeling all warm and fuzzy about her again right now, which I'm sure the fact that I'm drinking a glass of wine while reading through this stuff is contributing to. What a weird relationship therapy is. It's like in some ways she became a part of me, still is and always will be. It's not enough though to make me feel comfortable with asking for a one-year-post-therapy follow-up session. There's a huge block in my mind/heart preventing me from doing so.

I wish the couch was a place in real life where we could all sit scattered around a room on beanbag chairs and such and talk and talk and talk. I'm so appreciative of everyone here.

cool whip

Had my first physical therapy on my arm today. My right arm strength is half that of my left arm, and I’m right-handed.

Scheduled twice a week for the next three weeks. Exercises and icing to do at home.

I did find it ominous that the waiting room had a bunch of memorabilia from Lou Gehrig’s farewell game…

I hope the physical therapy helps! It was a big help for me when I went for my shoulder a while back. I still do the exercises at home to keep up my flexibility. I bought some resistance bands on Amazon that I've been using.

I had a lot of pt after my joint replacement. I found it quite useful if often painful - but good after the pain.

I really should stop at 2 glasses of wine since I have to log on to work at 5 am but I very much would like another. I added frozen peach slices and a strawberry to it and it's delish. Although if I drink a 3rd glass, I may become even more maudlin and that would probably not serve me well.

Then again, life is short. I shall have a third glass, they are fairly small glasses after all.