Couch 246: Choose Change

Good point una yes it certainly did, i hadn't thought about that, but that was 25 years ago!!

I really honestly don't know why I'm making such a big damn deal out of this. Except for the fact that I always do. Me and my drama.

Oops, it's almost time for my coda meeting!

I was wondering where our pic was. Looks great!

Thanks! I showed it to her on our zoom call this morning and she's all excited to get it now.

Thanks, LT. yeah, they said to take ibuprofen before I get there, and also the valium. i've never taken valium before well it's actually the generic diazepam, not sure how much or how little it's going to affect me, we'll see.

and that's a good point about the online videos!

i'm so upset this morning i don't even know how to feel. h was in las vegas last week and i insisted he get home by lastnight instead of planning on driving home late today because i wanted to make sure he was here for my appt tomorrow morning (in case of any car problems etc). well he came home yesterday, thankfully. BUT he woke up sick this morning. Damn it all I bet his has covid and now won't be able to take me tomorrow. Grrr!! **** everything. Now I'm probably going to have to do this on my own and without the diazepam since I can't drive myself home on that, obviously. I guess I could get an uber or something. But ****. I hate h right now. Why he just HAD to go to Vegas right before this appointment. **** him.

I know I could reschedule. but it would be awhile before I could get back in for it and damn it, I don't want to put this off any longer I just want it done and over with.

****.

eta: i know i am being entirely selfish and should feel bad for him that he's sick. But ****. he knows how anxious i've been about this appointment yet he went anyway. i'm so mad.

Hugs, Artie, I'm sorry... Would he be willing to test? Though if he's really ill, even if it's a bad cold (or flu), they may not want him to come in either.

In terms of taking an Uber if you take the sedative, I'd check with the policy of your doctor. I think some places might not allow that, though that might be after procedures with general anesthesia, to make sure you don't have a negative reaction to it. Though, if you'd already taken it and used an Uber to get there, I'm not really sure what they could do, aside from maybe make you wait at the office a certain amount of time to make sure the med has worn off.

It’s NOT you making a big deal Art. Many would be apprehensive about any upcoming medical procedure.

Your feelings about H are also 100% understandable. You wanted him to be there for you. I’m sorry he couldn’t show up.

thanks LT. Right now he's sneezing and has a stuffy head. But acting like he feels horrible; he took nyquil or whatever a little bit ago and went back to bed. Who knows with him. It's hopefully just a man-cold but you just never know in these covid times. yeah, he said he'd test tonight, he didn't want to test too soon. apparently, he started getting a sore throat yesterday.

if i have to uber, i could always get there early and take the sedative when i get there, and then like you said, sit in their office the rest of the day and read or something til they deem it ok for me to leave with an uber driver. or just not take it at all and be a big girl.

Thanks Lemon. On the one hand getting sick isn't anybody's fault, but on the other hand, he didn't have to spend the past week in vegas in crowded casinos which i imagine significantly upped his chances of getting sick.

But getting honest here - when it comes right down to it - this is nobody's fault but my own for staying in this marriage. I should have left in 2019 when I had the golden opportunity to do so.

it's a lesson from the universe that this 'control' i think i need/try to have is just a big fat illusion... and that I need to let it all go, turn it over to my higher power, like the coda stuff says. I am struggling so hard with everything rn.

I am not getting any work done today.

When i had my eye surgery this year, i arrived via uber but i had to take a Senior Helpers services home. They wouldnt let me uber. They wanted a spouse.

Cant the H come pick you up after? He will just be outside, he wont come in.

Just uber in. With LYFT, you can request a specific pick up time. It costs ten bucks or so more, but the peace of mind is fantastic.

if he does agree to test and he has covid, i guess i'm not supposed to even go at all anyway because of the exposure. so it's all probably a moot point anyway.

Yeah i was wondering about that. I mean i realized after i posted.

i'm just an anxious mess right now. I should preface everything i post with 'just ignore me'

"Just ignore me - choose cheese!"

Hugs, Artie. Post all you want--we're here. It makes total sense that you're stressed about this. And you thought H would be able to support you through it, and it's sounding doubtful now.

I did have the thought the if he tests positive that you'd likely need to cancel. Or at least check in with them on whether it's OK to still come in. Maybe if you have a negative test and don't have symptoms, they'd be OK with it? I mean, I'm guessing most people don't even bother to test anymore (I still do, if I'm at all concerned for any reason, though only if I'll be going somewhere).

Dr. T seemed a bit off in today's session. Like he was tired or distracted or maybe both. Possibly not feeling that great? I hope he's OK.

But the takeaway for me with this is: I'm not assuming it's about me. I had scheduled the extra session Thursday last week, then canceled Friday (he let me have a few extra hours to decide). So I still saw him the regular number of times, just one was a day earlier than usual. I could see him being a little annoyed that I changed the one session. But he said he was fine with it, and I'm taking him at his word.

I'm just thinking how a year ago, maybe even 6 months ago, I'd have assumed that his acting a bit differently was about me. Whether being annoyed that I'd changed session days or maybe acting weird because we'd addressed more of the "love stuff" last week. But I really don't think it's about either of those things. In the past, I also might have emailed about it to make sure, but I don't feel some need to do that. Or even to be like, "You seemed off today--I hope you're OK." I know we all have off days--particularly on Mondays! Though if he still seems off Wednesday, I might consider saying something.

Of course, I just had the thought of, now the one time I assume it's *not* about me, it will turn out that he actually is annoyed with me! Like about something I hadn't even considered. But I'll think of it as progress until proven otherwise.

Doing a gratitude list this afternoon: just added to it what an awesome Sup I have right now at work. We've talked a couple of times about my appointment tomorrow morning, she knows how anxious I am about it, so she scheduled my one on one (stats meeting) for this afternoon right before I got off work, bless her heart.

H just told me he's been feeling more and more melancholy every day and finds himself tearing up randomly and thinking that I've been right all along to keep asking him to set up a will (which he refuses to do) But let me suggest he is depressed and that he talk with the doctor about it when he goes in on Thursday for his regular check-up, he gets angry.

I need to end this marriage. But how on earth do I do that when he's obviously depressed and might have covid and who knows what other disease that he thinks he has. I am so selfish wanting to be free of him and happy when I promised til death do us part.

Hugs, Artie. I'm sorry your H is acting this way. So, I remember something like this happening before when you had a medical concern or issue, maybe in the past year or so? Where your H was suddenly concerned about himself dying? It seems a bit like a pattern. Where you need support, and he's all into his own stuff instead. I mean, it does sound like he legitimately has an upper respiratory illness now, but I'm talking about the other stuff.

It possibly could be some maladaptive way of his trying to cope with something potentially being wrong with you (but that doesn't excuse it). Or it could be that he's used to being the one taken care of and still wants that from you. Rather than giving you support when you need it. Or...something else.

The thing is, you aren't responsible for his depression or possibly some other illness. He's an adult--he can choose to get help for his depression. He's just opting not to. And he could pursue testing for whatever else is possibly going on. It's not on you to do that for him or to stay married to him to make sure he does that.

Thanks for that, LT. He does actually have a couple of tests coming up to try to find out what's going on, thankfully, that he finally scheduled. he's so weird though. he just took a hot shower and now he's walking around talking and acting completely normal again. I guess he had to make sure I was more worried about him than I am about myself. I don't know.

I think I should probably start taking the sertraline I picked up not long ago. Maybe it will help me think more clearly about staying vs leaving. I don't know. I'll wait until after tomorrow's appointment is over to see if having that behind me makes the rest of life feel a little more do-able than it does now. If not, then I'll start taking it tomorrow evening.