[hangingon]

Trigger warning......talk of abuse and death>>>>>

I have a really hard time crying in front of people. I have heard people say that they able to go in and cry their eyes out with their T.

Is is typical to not be able to cry in front of T?

Today I actually did a little but I really did not want to, I tried so hard to contain it but it finally came out a little. I had told my T that I felt really lonely this week. To the point where I had cried myself to sleep every night this past week. Even had woken up during the night only to have the tears come then as well. We talked a little and then she asks the big question. Asks, do you have any thoughts of harming yourself, I said no because my siblings would not be able to handle that, its not even an option. That was somewhat a lie, I have had thoughts, I just don't think I would act on them do to that reason I didn't want her to know I had those thoughts.

So we tried to figure out where this loneliness stems from, I came to the conclusion that it was looking over childhood pictures that brought it up. They were pictures I had not seen in years. I found myself getting very angry with my mom from memories that the pictures sparked. So I wrote a letter to my mom, a letter of anger. I realize that it made me feel terribly guilty for feeling like that towards my mom. Because I don't have her anymore and my anger towards her is far less than how much I want and miss her.

The thing that finally broke me in the session...... something that came gushing out was.......I felt so bad for finally disclosing to my mom this past year that my step-dad, whom my mom was still married to had sexually abused me when I was really young. I tied this to her dying, because she was diagnosed with cancer not too long after I shared this news with her. I have this tremendous guilt that she just gave up because this news was too much for her. She was such a strong women, yet she died so quickly over night. I have this huge fear that she didn't even fight because she couldn't deal with what I told her. Like I made her give up.

My T says this is a heavy load to carry that its not my fault but I can't wrap my brain around that right now. I didn't cry long because of my issue with crying in front of people but those thoughts hit me and I couldn't push them away. When I was finally able to contain myself, I glanced up and I could see that my T had teared up some. I know she heard me.

I was all over the place in session. I think I let too much out. I finally shared with her of the third person who had sexually abused when I was younger.

My T thinks some of my loneliness has to do with the little girl in me missing out on having someone protect me and love me. She tried to explain that to me but intellectualization kicked in on my part and I couldn't receive that just yet. I am more angry with myself for not saying anything or doing anything when I was younger.

She wants me to make a box to contain letters (of bad memories) in. That sounds really silly to me as well. I told her that Dang , I am a difficult client.....(she didn't say that lol..I just thought it). She says if I don't do this at home that she is going to bring in a box, some magazines, and glue and we are just have to make one together. I thought that was sweet of her.

I feel like my mind was all over the place in today's session, I wonder if she was just as stressed hearing all this info...as I was in sharing it.

Hangingon

[deliquesce]

(((hangingon)))

not really in a place right now to deal with the "big issues" of your post. i think you deserve a good response to what you have let out, and my mind is not in a spot to get my thoughts together enough.

but - just regarding crying. with my old T, i did it all the time. with my pdoc (who i love more and have been seeing for longer), i think i might have stifled a sniffle in session once, and that's as close as it got.

maybe the dynamics are different for everybody?

big hugs for the rest of what you posted about. if it was safe for you, i'd wrap you up in a big blanket and hold you til you're better.

[lifelesstraveled]

[phoenix7]

I cant cry , wish i could - i think its a good way of letting the emotions out for those who can

your mums cancer, that would have been building up in her system a long time before it could be properly diagnosed - you cant give someone cancer - this is a burden you should try to let go ... I know its hard - but you had no part in this - its a disease...

the box sounds like a good idae and what a good T you have - I have started to make a happy box for when the darkness calls me - in it i am putting things that make me smile - pics of my kits, jokes etc

take care P7

[MissCharlotte]

(Hanginon)

Isn't this the new T? It took me almost a year to cry in therapy and now I'm a regular waterfall.

[chaotic13]

Originally Posted by hangingon

So we tried to figure out where this loneliness stems from, I came to the conclusion that it was looking over childhood pictures that brought it up.

Wow, you are light-years ahead of me. I found some old pictures getting my Christmas decorations out. I looked at them over the break and very affected by them. I put 2 of them in my drawing folder in case I wanted to share them. I ended up sharing them, talking about one of them but withdrew from discussing the second one. My T talked a little bit about it. As I put them away, she asked if I missed my mother. I just said,"I don't really remember her very much." and killed the conversation. I'm not really sure what I feel... At least you can go there.

Sounds to me like you are developing a good connection with this T. I don't have a box per se but I think I use my drawings kind of like a letter box. Images come out, I put them in the folder, then my T takes them.

[coconut64]

I wasn't allowed to cry when I was little. My father found it offensive or a sign or weakness for some reason. I still don't know why. Anyway, we would get punished or hit if we cried. As an adult I don't cry in front of anyone. It took me a long time to be able to cry in front of T, I still tell him to turn around when I do, even though he never does. When I cry there I only let out a few tears, dn't even need a tissue. I have never blown my nose there or sobbed. I think it's a normal response for those of us who were abused/have trust issues/can't tolerate feelings. Keep talking and it will come with time.

It took me about a year to cry in therapy. Now I probably at least tear up every session, if not sit there and just sob. I NEVER imagined I would get to that point. It feels good to be able to feel safe enough to cry. I never felt like that as a child, and I really haven't cried as an adult either - until a few months ago in therapy. Honestly, it feels like part of me is waking up or something.

As for your disclosures....wow, hangingon, good for you for sharing all of that with T. Those are some big issues to work through, and by bringing them out into the open, you can and WILL begin to heal

[hangingon]

deliquesce,
Thank you for your reply. I totally relate to mentally not being able to respond at times. The blanket sounds very comforting Thank you.
Safe hugs to you as well.

Lifelesstraveled....thank you for the hugs, I needed them

Phoenix,
Thanks for the explaination of what happened not being my fault. In reality I know I didn't cause the disease. I just feel like she would have been a lot stronger, maybe fought harder if I didn't let her know the news that I had. And while I told her before the diagnoses, I just have a hard time not thinking that perhaps that had something to do with her going so quickly. It's something I really have to work on more, this one kills me.

I understand you not being able to cry. With my old T who I saw for a year, I shed very few tears. I was pretty good at holding them back. I keep hearing it's healing but it has only made me feel worse.

I like your idea of the good memory box.....maybe thats what I should be working on.

Miss C,
Yes this is my new T. I think she's a little warmer and perhaps I feel a little safer with her, though I still find it really difficult to be vulnerable even wth her.

She explained it to me this way, that I have been shoving stuff in the bottle so long and corking it that there is no room left. Thinks that's why I am crying at night and that perhaps I am allowing myself to feel a little, something I usually don't do. She tells me that crying is going to play a big part in therapy and while I am not use to it now, it's actually very healthy for me.
Regular waterfall huh...lol....I could never imagine me doing that, but who knows, I haven't allowed myself to do so in years....

Chaotic,
I know what you mean, whether it was the pictures or not I am not 100 percent sure but it seemed to start after that. That was the first night I had really cried in a long time. I do however, think its alot more than that, that things have just been piling up, that perhaps the damn has finally sustained some cracks...so far I can control it during the day, but that's really hard, at night I can't seem to control it, I think it's the whole being alone with my thoughts that really gets to me then.

Im sorry you had a really hard time with one of your pictures. When my T and I talk about my mom it really gets to me, most the time I can't right now. Today it just sort of happened because I have been so overwhelmed.

So far my new T has been pretty good at understanding me and helping to clarify things with me. She can explain things that I can't lol that I like.

Thats cool that you draw and share them. I draw as well but just sort of sporatic drawings and I haven't shown them to her.

Anyways. thank you all again.
It's good to know I am not the only one who has had a pretty difficult time with being vulnerable and crying in therapy.

Hangingon

[hangingon]

Coconut,
My step-dad was similar to your day in that he would humiliate us when we cried. I can relate that as well. Having T turn around is a good idea. The first time I cried I had covered my face with my hand and buried my head, my T told me that I had nothing to be asked of ect...but I still couldn't and can't show my face when I am.

Earthmama,
I still have that I can never imagine balling, but who knows, like you it may just happen. I think in the back of my mind that if I do it will never stop, that it will just keep pouring out.
Waking up is a good way to put it. I have kept my emotions closed up for a long time.
My T says that perhaps I am finally allowing myself to let some of them out.

I sure hope I can heal, after living with these secrets so long its hard to imagine change. Thats one of the first things I asked my T, can people really heal from this? Because if not, I don't want to go through all of this.

Thanks for you encouragement

[chaotic13]

I don't know what my excuse is for not being able to cry. I remember my mother bursting into tears all the time! My parents had no tolerance for whining and expected us to control ourselves and suck it up when faced with adversity. I don't really remember them forbidding it though. I remember my father used to paddle/spank me until I would wail. That seemed to be when he was satisfied that I was punished enough. I remember refusing to cry just to piss him off more; he would have to stop because of fatigue then. When I left the room I had a really sore *** but still had my dignity. I don't really ever remember my father crying, except maybe at my mother's funeral. I think my no crying motto came from exposure to the neighborhood bullies. If you cried or show fear they would swoop in on you and torment you forever. There was one crier on the our street. I don't know what his mental state is today, but I remember think... that is not going to be me.

[hangingon]

Chaotic
My parent's were the same way, they hated whinning. Yet, as your mom, my mom would cry as well, more so when my step-father was being his typical self.
I think our home revolved around them even though 6 children resided there.
Like you when my dad would whip my butt, as I got older I would stand there staunch, like big deal that didn't hurt.

I have to say your parents non-tolerance for whinning, or suck it up attitude could have certainly affected your need to express your emotions.

Hangingon

[ziggy1]

I have usually cried before therapy or after....Go figure...? Although I feel
crying is a normal part of being a human being, no matter if your male or female.

Crying to me is a down right good release!! Holding it back from what I've
read and have heard from therapists and doctors is not allowing yourself
to relieve harmful TOXINS from your body!!

So I say if you gotta cry....have a good one for yourself!!! Why hold it back and keep it pent up!!! I feel its nothing to be ashamed of!!

[searchingmysoul]

Originally Posted by coconut64

I wasn't allowed to cry when I was little. My father found it offensive or a sign or weakness for some reason. I still don't know why. Anyway, we would get punished or hit if we cried..... I think it's a normal response for those of us who were abused/have trust issues/can't tolerate feelings. Keep talking and it will come with time.

(((((coconut64)))))

Me too....

Originally Posted by earthmama

It took me about a year to cry in therapy. Now I probably at least tear up every session, if not sit there and just sob. I NEVER imagined I would get to that point.

(((((earthmama)))))

Me too....

Hanginon-

You are so brave to share what you have shared with your new T. Things will come and flow how they need to flow. I never used to cry in front of anyone, ever. I didn't cry for at least the first 6 months in T. Then I would tear up...After awhile I had a couple short cries...Recently, I have had some full on, several tissue, sobs. The best part though: I don't hate/berate myself after. That has been the biggest change for me. I have been in T a year now and it has taken that long to get to this.

to you. You are right where you need to be.

~Searching

[HALLIEBETH87]

I tried so hard for a long time not to cry with T when we were talking about abuse, but one day I couldnt stop the tears. They came anyway.

My T told me a lot of people cry there and that its ok. She says she considers her patient's tears a gift. A gift given to her in that the client trusts her enough to be fully open in her presence.

^^It made me feel better anyway...

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by HALLIEBETH87

My T told me [...] she considers her patient's tears a gift [...] given to her in that the client trusts her enough to be fully open in her presence.

gee. I thought I was being very open with my T, now I just don't know. I cannot cry in her presence & don't want to.

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

gee. I thought I was being very open with my T, now I just don't know. I cannot cry in her presence & don't want to.

((((((((((((((((((((sitting))))))))))))))))))))))))) Crying is not a requirement of therapy. It was over a year before I cried in therapy (I never cried outside of therapy either).

We just are where we are, and it's okay. Crying, not crying....it is all OKAY. It is.

You are perfect just how you are

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by earthmama

Crying is not a requirement of therapy. We just are where we are, and it's okay. Crying, not crying....it is all OKAY. It is.

(((((EM))))) you are so great...... let me know when you want to come over & I will send directions. Got some Chai mix for Christmas

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

(((((EM))))) you are so great...... let me know when you want to come over & I will send directions. Got some Chai mix for Christmas

I just ran out of the chai mix I got for Christmas! Perfect!!

[cai23]

I've never cried in front of T about the issues I go for. I have gotten watery eyes and almost cried and everytime I do he sort of leans forward and then all I can picture is him pulling some imaginary bucket from behind his chair because I'm just not going to stop and cry buckets load of tears. It sort of makes me chuckle in my mind and they just dry up......I'm glad cause I'm just not ready to cry.

[ClinicallyClueless]

I stopped crying as an infant due to abuse and it has always been difficult for me to cry and talk with my therapist who I have known for 23 years and have seen him for 12 consequetive and in at a five year point after a break.

I still have difficulty crying. It is a huge trust issue, trusting him and myself. This past year he asked after 16 years, "I still have a difficult time understanding why it is so difficult for you to cry and talk with me." (I've had sobbing sessions, but that was different)

That opened up a whole new area for us. For about the past few weeks, I've been using at least two tissues each session usually more. It is coming more spontaneously. However, it is still difficult. I had also made a rule in my head a long time ago that I was never going to cry especially in front of anyone. I'm 43 now...life has been pretty painful with the results of my abuse. It is much better now and I can actually assure people that if you stick to the hard work that it gets better and believe it. Don't tell my therapist, he'll use it "against" me.

[Kiya]

I have cried some in therapy - usually when i do it is over something that looks like a rupture with t or my not being able to continue. It's rarely about *my* stuff or the abuse. T sent me an email last week saying "I will be glad when you can cry in therapy". @_@ Seemed odd. I hate crying in therapy - in front of ppl. And maybe it does stem from childhood when my dad refused to let my mom pick me up as an infant when i cried - said i'd be spoiled. Mom held me all the time when he was out of the house, but when he was home i was left alone in my crib. As a toddler, I was not allowed to make any noise, so I was not allowed to be in the room with him when i played (or ever growing up, for that matter). TV was more important to him. I also was born early and cried for 6 weeks straight - which wasn't "allowed" and mom wasn't allowed to get any sleep - so she stayed up with me in my room while he slept in theirs. By day, mom was expected to clean the house make his meals... have dinner on the table by 5... and mind the baby with no help. She wanted to kill me. I think I learned some adaptive skills after about 3 on how to survive that house... i was a little on the slow side i guess... 6 years of therapy (not all with this t) and I still shove all my feelings in.

Originally Posted by Kiya

I have cried some in therapy - usually when i do it is over something that looks like a rupture with t or my not being able to continue. It's rarely about *my* stuff or the abuse.

Yep! Me too - exactly.