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#1
May 08, 2009, 06:57 AM
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Hello All,
I've been watching my ex move on with his life almost immediately after breaking up with me. He moved on by dating this random girl, then moved in with her, then got engaged and probably getting married to her this year. I was 4 years with him and I saw nothing. Yet, with her, by the second year they moved in together, met the families and got engaged!!! I'm having trouble moving forward. Real trouble. I'm alone to the point of sick. Nobody's interested in me. I've lost 40 pounds, exercising, nice clothes, bla bla...but nothing works. Most guys get stuck with my age (32), which is something that I cannot change or improve for them. So, I'm probably forever stuck in living a life alone. My question is...does he ever think of how he ruined my life? Does he ever think of me at all and the damage he's done to me? He basically tricked me into spending 4 full years with him and lead me on to believe that we were going to get married. I was 24 when I met him. I was 28 when he broke it off. I needed 2 good years to get over my personal tragedy but by the time I decided to get out there and date (30)....I discovered that I was considered an "old model". Today I'm 32. I don't see possibilities for me. Every time I tell my age to some new guy I then see the lights dim in his eyes and after that he steps away. There is no hope for me. Does my ex know what he's done to my life? He stole from me the opportunity of meeting other guys...and probably a guy that might have loved me more! He's moving on just fine with his wedding, with a person to spend a life with, with the possibility of having kids, etc. A full life. While I am living a new direction of a life which he created for me. Does he understand this? How does he feel about this knowing that I'm alone? How does he feel to know that I might never have a chance to have my own family? How does he live with himself knowing that he destroyed a life? Does he know? I've been constantly wondering about that. I feel as if my life got stabbed and that nobody has gone after the criminal who did this. |
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#2
May 08, 2009, 08:09 AM
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Hi there, I read your post and it really reminded me of something similar that I went through this past summer. I feel the exact same way that you do, its like "Does he even care that he's crushed my heart into a million peices?" It's a very difficult thing to go through. I'm very young though, I'm only 17, so I really wouldnt know about the whole age thing. But I do know how it feels to love someone and put your whole heart into the relationship and then they just dump you like you're nothing.
 I just wanted you to know that there's someone else out there (me), for example, who is going through the same thing you are going through. I sincerely hope that things go better for you. 
__________________
There's something cold and blank behind her smile.... 
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#3
May 08, 2009, 10:09 AM
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hi,
I went through something very similar too. We stayed friends, and I felt like he was waving his new relationship in my face. I actually exploded and asked him if he knew what he was doing to me, and he said no. We don't speak any more -- although I should add that this is a very good development for me, because I don't think I was able to move on while he was so present in my life. I'm only 20 but I don't think that 32 is old at all, and you are far from the end of the road where your love life is concerned. I hope you don't think I'm being nosy, but are you in a circle of people around the same age as you? Dating younger men is probably fairly likely to elicit a negative response just because people do tend to want to stick to their own age brackets. I really hope that things start looking up for you. Don't give up hope!
__________________
Rebecca "If you're going through hell -- keep going." - Winston Churchill It's better to live your own destiny imperfectly than to live an imitation of somebody else's life with perfection. - Elizabeth Gilbert Bring on the wonder, we got it all wrong, we pushed you down deep in our souls, so hang on. Bring on the wonder, bring on the song, I pushed you down deep in my soul for too long. - Susan Enan http://igetupagain.wordpress.com/ |
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#4
May 08, 2009, 06:07 PM
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Thanks guys but both of you are too young to understand. I was careless when I was your age. Didn't realize how age changes your opportunities to make choices. Now at 32 I'm only hanging out with gay guys and a handful of single gals like me because ....everybody else is nesting at home with their wives, husbands and babies. Seriously. I haven't met a single available guy in ages. They are all involved or engaged or married.
For the past 2-3 years it's been raining fancy invitations (weddings, engagements, baby showers, baptisms...). It's crazy. Lately, I feel like passing out with every invite. Can't stand it anymore. Sure, I play it cool and attend these things....with a smile.....and I always find myself among sets of couples! And of course they ALWAYS shoot me down with questions like "You're here alone?", "No boyfriend yet?", "Wake up girl, you're wasting time!"....yea....as if I can help it.....or as if I chose to be alone! Now I fall in the category of "set-ups", which embarrass me cause I feel useless as a woman...being unable to find my own man AND the dudes are always divorcees with kids. How depressing. The last guy that I was introduced to was 50, divorced with 4 boys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Let me tell you that after that "fix-up" attempt I just wanted to kill myself. You both have the 20-30 decade ahead of you! 10 beautiful years full with opportunity. LISTEN TO ME: if the guy you are with is stringing you along for more than 2 years...start asking him of where is this going! Don't wait and don't hope. Don't take things for granted. He might not love you. He might be leading you on! It was the cruelest thing to be dumped at 28. I loved him so much that it took me too long to recover. Look at me now! I'm passing among people unnoticeable. Even 38 year old guys are looking for 28 year olds. You should see their faces when I tell them that I'm 32! It's the same face every time. The "damn, I'm wasting my time here" face. And the scary thing is that these guys were either the same age as me or older. This past year I've pulled myself away. I'm no longer looking, no longer interested. I've given up. I'm focusing in methods of surviving a life alone. I'm looking into ways of having children without a dad, going through adoption sites, single-motherhood sites and contemplating whether it is fair for a kid to be raised without a dad. Do you see my choices now? I'm lead to these choices because of him! He took away my opportunity to be with a man I loved, to have kids together and to be happy. He loved me too....and this is what drives me crazy. How did he wake up one day feeling different? Does he know that he's destroyed me? Does it ever cross his mind? |
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#5
May 08, 2009, 07:46 PM
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okay...lets get things straight....he didn't do anything to do...It's you doing it to yourself, even now....Nobody forces anybody to stay in a relationship...you stayed in the relationship....I met my ex husband when I was 26 and we've been together for five years....I would never ever say things that you say...I didn't have a good time with him at all, but I can't blame him for all those days....I was there too...
If you led a bad relationship deceive you, it's your own fault and you can't blame somebody else for that....you always have choice to make.... I'm so sorry to be so harsh on you....I'm single and 35 years old turning 36 in July and I don't have thoughts that "oh guys are not into me because of my age", because that's not true...I can date guys older or younger or same age....and you know why I can do that, because I don't think the way you think...so, age has never been an issue for me to date a guy.... The last guy I dated was same age as me, and he chose me over lots of other younger girlfriends....and I could see all those girls were into him, but he didn't care about the age....If a guy is this much stupid to think that 32 years old is old, then you are better off without him.... dating can be fun and can be so painful at the same time....I'm in the same boat as you.... Just you got to change your mind set, forgive your ex and let him to go with his life....you don't know anything about future....I had a friend who got married then divorced and then got married with her old love....so everything is possible....but you got to forget about blaming and having hatred into your heart, because that doesn't work.... AGE is not a problem at all....I can see some of my girlfriends older than me more successful in dating...even they date younger guys.... Have fun...You are very younge to have these thoughts....you have a life in front of you.....and get these thoughts away from your mind, then you will be fine.... take care M. |
 FooZe, justfloating, Peppermint_Patty, Soidhonia
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#6
May 10, 2009, 03:08 PM
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"lets get things straight....he didn't do anything to do...It's you doing it to yourself, even now....Nobody forces anybody to stay in a relationship...you stayed in the relationship....I met my ex husband when I was 26 and we've been together for five years....I would never ever say things that you say...I didn't have a good time with him at all, but I can't blame him for all those days....I was there too...
If you led a bad relationship deceive you, it's your own fault and you can't blame somebody else for that....you always have choice to make...." I don't feel that you are correct. He had tons of experience before being with me. I had none. He was my very first experience and although it sucked, I thought that this is how things are supposed to be. I didn't know any better and at the time I was too isolated to see how other relationships worked. Plus, he wanted our relationship to be hidden, so basically NOBODY had seen his "wrongdoings" and nobody had a chance to get close to me and maybe warn me. I stayed with him because I was madly in love with him. I was as good as blind. Is it my fault that I was deceived? Really? I never saw it coming. He was too clever for me. I was completely unaware and in good faith. His acting was amazing, what can I say. I think when you're in love, you don't see choices. You are mentally incapable to think straight. You just think of him and all the things you can do to make him happy. On the other hand, this guy, or any guy that KNOWS how to play with genuine and unaware hearts is 100% guilty for manipulating and taking advantage of a person in love. Also....dating a younger guy is risky. He'll just stick around for 1-3 years. When the craze is over, his eyes will bounce to the next -younger- model. He's going to leave. So....why bother putting yourself in such agony? |
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#7
May 10, 2009, 03:20 PM
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I have been on both sides of the fence......
First one was me doing the dumping on a guy who I had been with for nine months he was in agony and couldnt see that it was his own fault that I dumped him. He was not being the kind of boyfriend that he should of been and was really upset when I had had enough and told him I wanted out. I was told he had wasted nine months of his life on me and that I was ruining his life etc, when In actual fact if he had behaved the way he was meant to then we would still be together. Did it upset me that I upset him ? No not in the least. Second was me leaving my husband yes but only because he had 'left' the marriage years before hand and left me single handed to raise the children. It was fifteen years of marriage and I was devestated that it was over but I couldnt take anymore. I had to go for councling to get over the divorce it affected me so badly. Was he out of order ? Looking back no he wasnt he was just being him and I chose to ignore it for fifteen years and stay. At the time I blamed him but he was just being him and again I stress I CHOSE TO IGNORE IT. Yes he was a good actor and a liar and more experienced than me. He was seven years my senior. But as soon as the penny dropped I should of been out of there as I am master of my own destiny. |
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#8
May 10, 2009, 04:54 PM
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I'm going to go out on a limb and say that if he's moved on ... he probably doesn't really care what he's done to you. I know it sounds really harsh, sorry. But I'm not sure why it really matters whether he cares or not -- what good will it do you to know, either way? He's getting married, you're not getting back together, he's moving on, and it's time for you to move on too.
I know that sounds really harsh, and my age may stand against me "experience-wise", but I can tell you that you are not going to have any peace from knowing the answer to whether or not he cares. The only way you're going to get peace and be able to move on is if you stop obsessing and MOVE ON. No, it's not easy. Yes, love made you blind. Yes, you're hurting, maybe feeling the most severe pain of your entire LIFE. But if you're going to feel anything, feel resentment. Instead of thinking "He hurt me, how cruel", think "He hurt me, well I'm going to show him what he's lost!!" It's how I move on. Every time I think I want to give up, I remind myself that there is no way in the WORLD I would EVER EVER give the people who hurt me the satisfaction of knowing how difficult it actually was for me. For your own sake, please start putting that relationship in the past. Focus on your future. Put away/throw out anything that reminds you of him, delete him from your phone and email contacts if he's still there, then DO SOMETHING NEW. Anything. Something that is completely new for you, that you never did while you were with him. Join a gym. Take art lessons. Plant a garden. Get a haircut or dye your hair, buy an article of clothing you'd never have thought of wearing before (I've done both, it's HUGELY satisfying) and then, whether you feel like it or not, hold your head high and GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE. It's going to SUCK and you're going to hate EVERY MINUTE OF IT for days or weeks or maybe even months, but if you absorb yourself in your future -- and yes, at 32, even at 40 you will still have a great big shining future ahead of you -- you will have less and less time to dwell on your past, until it stops bothering you altogether. Take care of YOU right now. Show him he can't knock you out from behind. Be STRONG and INDEPENDENT and WILFUL and BRAVE. And eventually I'm sure you'll see that in retrospect, losing those 4 years with him will be nothing compared to the many, many years you have left ahead of you. 
__________________
Rebecca "If you're going through hell -- keep going." - Winston Churchill It's better to live your own destiny imperfectly than to live an imitation of somebody else's life with perfection. - Elizabeth Gilbert Bring on the wonder, we got it all wrong, we pushed you down deep in our souls, so hang on. Bring on the wonder, bring on the song, I pushed you down deep in my soul for too long. - Susan Enan http://igetupagain.wordpress.com/ |
| FooZe
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#9
May 10, 2009, 05:18 PM
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Quote:
Seeing yourself as a passive victim can be unhealthy, it can lead people to believe they have the right to victimise others, which tends to be a messy waste of time. I have no doubt we men are more often useless jerks when it comes to relationships but you can't let us have all the power. It's concievable you need to be more concious about what attracts you in a man, you may be picking jerks. I tend to find narcissistic women very attractive, but have to use my head and tell myself no way! Best wishes & Good luck! |
| FooZe
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#10
May 13, 2009, 12:25 AM
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Hi Valexand,
I agree with Marjan on this. Philosophically speaking, morally speaking or whatever... you're EX was not then, and is not under any obligation now, when it comes to your emotional well being or personal welfare. He doesn't owe you a thing!!! People break up all the time, Valex! If other people are able to break up and move on with their lives... why can't you??? I know you want to blame your ex for your life now... but really... IT'S UP TO YOU to heal yourself and IT'S UP TO YOU to learn how to be more resilient during those times when life doesn't give you what you want. As I said before in response to another one of your threads... "When life hands you lemons, learn to make lemonade."So... my dear... it's time to pull yourself up by the bootstraps... It's time to stop throwing a pity party for yourself... and it's time to move on with your life!!! Yesterday is history... let it go!! Let it remain in the past. Move forward and embrace the present. It's the only gift of life we got... so make the most of it and stop looking backwards. Peppermint Patty Quote:
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| FooZe
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#11
May 13, 2009, 12:24 PM
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"Philosophically speaking, morally speaking or whatever... you're EX was not then, and is not under any obligation now, when it comes to your emotional well being or personal welfare.
He doesn't owe you a thing!!!" The only thing that comes to mind after reading all this is ......"Ouch!".  So not only did he put me through hell, not only did he leave me in hell but now I'm supposed to climb out of it all on my own.... Great. |
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#12
May 13, 2009, 07:06 PM
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Hi Valex
 Quote:
You know... I don't know if this might be helpful to you or not... But you might want to purchase a huge spiral bound notebook -- say 120 to 180 pages, college ruled, and just write about it, write about it, and write about it... every emotion, every feeling, EVERYTHING related to that whole experience. Write it all out, Valex... until you just literally write it out of your system!! When I was going through a problem in my life... I did that once and it really, really helped me to heal. It made for boring reading when I finally finished (though some spots were very insightful...as I saw that there were thought processes that weren't exactly logical or helpful), but when I got sick and tired of hashing it all out on paper, I knew I finally had put the problem behind me and I knew I was ready to move forward and embrace the present. Give it a try and see if it works for you.  Peppermint Patty |
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#13
May 14, 2009, 01:05 AM
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First, this disclaimer:
The fine print that bringeth the bad news: If you happen to spend 4 minutes of your life reading the following post and find it a total waste of your time, I am not offering you your 4 minutes back. The fine print that bringeth the even worse news: I couldn't give you your 4 minutes back if I wanted to. (There! Glad we have that out of the way.) ---------------------------------------------- I'm pretty much with marjan, justfloating (especially #8), artie, and Peppermint_Patty. I'd like to add something, though: Quote:
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 In an ideal world, who would do the climbing out of hell for you?--------------------------------------- Fool Zero  Court Jester and Bearer of Bad News by appointment to Their Majesties [names withheld by request] |
| fred01
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#14
May 14, 2009, 04:34 AM
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Fool Zero.....you are cruel.
Originally I had no trouble with my age. I don't even look like I'm 32. Most people think I'm 26. However, my experiences with guys indicate that this "32" number is causing problems to guys. I've tried dating right? Here is one example of a guy that I went out with: We started off great, he was excited, I was excited, we went dancing, all going great. He asks me what I do for a living. I tell him I'm in sciences. He asks me what have I done with my life overall. I tell him that I got 2 masters and a PhD in chemistry. Then I see him count with his fingers......he was trying to find my age! So I offered to help him and just plain out say that I am 29 (I was 29 at the time). He froze. He started freaking out and yelling in the club "Whaaat??? 29?????". Then he would grab several passerbys and place bets with them on how old I was. Then he turned to me and said "I thought you were 23!" with a facial expression that said "Damn! I wasted my time here!" and after that he left me. He went further inside the club and started dancing with a much younger woman. This dude was 38!!!!!!!! Sadly this story has happened to me more than once. Of course the guy mentioned above had the most extreme behavior. All others, although they were either equal age to mine or older, they stopped "pursuing" me as soon as they find out of my age. Their face is always the same when I tell them my real age. Everything goes well until that point. I've thought to lie about it but....when I see someone that I like I really cannot go with it and lie to him. I feel comfortable with myself enough to tell the truth about my age to guys that I just meet. Anyway, Fool Zero, you are cruel. I did everything I could to make sure my ex had fun in the stupid relationship we had. I worked so hard. He was the one that was never happy with anything. Yet, he still held me close. All times I tried to get out of the relationship he would switch to being the nice guy I had first met, the guy that I fell for. I never got anything from this relationship. It was just hard work. I really did think that this is how things are supposed to be. So, after all this effort, he decides to leave. He decides to marry the next woman he meets. In only 2 years he moves in with her, he gets engaged and he marries her. She didn't break a sweat for her relationship with him and yet, she gets to have him for life. And I'm left with nothing. But you -and all others in here- are right with one thing, I don't think he thinks of me at all. He's moving on with life just fine. He doesn't think of me and how he tricked me. I was just another back he stepped on to move ahead in life. Fine. If I could also find "my other half", believe me I think I would be fine with that. Sadly I'm constantly alone, so I can't help but dwell in the past. Last edited by valexand; May 14, 2009 at 04:50 AM. |
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#15
May 14, 2009, 08:28 AM
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The advice you have been given needed to be said just the once, not several times with different attacks on you, for which I am sorry you have been on the recieving end of.....
Hugs to you and I wish you well.
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#16
May 14, 2009, 09:42 AM
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let's please keep the post supportive and not attacking. like my mom use to tell me.....think before you speak.
__________________
He who angers you controls you! |
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#17
May 14, 2009, 11:43 AM
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Quote:
--------------------- Well, maybe not this part -- or you might not feel free to disregard the rest... |
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#18
May 14, 2009, 12:31 PM
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I can certainly understand how you feel about this relationship and it seems that you were used...or you feel so.........I guess everyone has rights.......there is no right or worng way to break up.....and I kind of agree that 4 years is a long time to invest.......on the other hand folks marry and break up after 20 years...all too common. We all invest and sometimes time is the deciding factor.
What I dont agree with is the "age" thing at all. I just dont feel that age is such an important thing these days. I see and know many couples who have 10-15 years difference in age......both ways. They are healthy and happy relationships that are loving and respectful. I can understand that if you are 32 and look 26 a guy might be shocked! But not in a bad way! Gee what guy doesn't want a gal who is smart, is able to carry a conversation and look years younger? I don't know any guys like you discribe wanting the young gal........we all age....I think most mature responsable guys understand this. As a man I worry about a girl being attracted to me in the looks department.....but I am more worried about how our personalities are and how we get along. Is she passionate about me...or just thinking I am handsome.....I guess what I am trying to say is that not all guys are like you seem to be meeting or experiencing....... It just isnt so......I know the old cliche' that the guys will all run to a 21 YO in the hot looking bathing suit, but seriously I do not know one gyuy that has done that. What they have run to is a woman who puts them first in their life..loves and adore them...they arent 21. In all honesty if I even witnessed an event like you told while out I think I would actually have to say something to that guy had he approached me about this or if he were bloviating to folks around the club......good thing you didnt get any further with that cat! I don't know how this happens or even why.....but I have been all around the world whiel in the Navy...I never saw anything as rude as you wrote about and I'm actually ashamed to be a guy after reaidng something like that! Golly! There are lots of nice guys out here who wouldn't care a bit about a number. I sure hope you find this out fast, because it just isnt so! That guy and anyone like him give the nice guys a real bad name...it just isnt so! Sorry! 
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| FooZe, justfloating, MichelleNY
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#19
May 14, 2009, 12:39 PM
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#20
May 14, 2009, 05:37 PM
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Quote:
Were you just telling me a thought/perception/observation you had about me? (In which case, I got it, thank you.) Or did you also intend it as a request? In the latter case, is your request more like, not to think anything about you like what I just posted? Or is it more, like, if I do happen to think it, not to tell you about it? Or is it something else? ------------------------ My advice is free -- and worth every penny! |
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#21
May 15, 2009, 01:45 AM
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This is a SUPPORT site.
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#22
May 15, 2009, 02:37 AM
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Fool Zero, I'm not ignoring you. I'm not ignoring anyone that has taken the time to help me out with this issue that I have stuck in my head.
Your first post was harsh and you implied things that were not true. For example you said that if my ex were clever he would have left me much earlier and you said that he's not with me now because he wasn't enjoying his time with me. The truth is that this guy DID have all the fun he needed because at the time he was simply using me. I was just a fun toy for the time he needed it. I must say though...the tone that you are using in your posts really reminds me of how he used to talk to me. All too often he enjoyed being cruel to me. All the things he said...how stupid and blind I was! I can't believe I stood there and took it. Gosh, I am so desperate to find a way to forget how stupid I was to spend so much time with him. I so want to forget and I simply can't. I am desperate. I am looking for a memory wipe-out. Can't stand it anymore. I used to be a healthy, normal person. I never thought I'd be reduced to this. I've done EVERYTHING to help me get over this: new hobbies, new friends.....heck....I've even moved to a different country! My original question was "Do they know that they've crushed you?". They KNOW what they did to you....so.....when they "move on" and live out their happy days....do they ever think of you? Are they ever worried that you might not be doing ok because of what they did to you? Deep inside me I know the answer to this: You are no longer in their thoughts. Besides, who likes to remember their wrongdoings?! All people try to forget the bad things they've done. Sometimes memories creep in....but only sometimes. The guy that I was involved in was not good for me. He wasn't thoughtful of me then, why should he think of me now? I was so tricked and manipulated. Don't know if I'm angry at him or myself for being so naive. I'm still broken after all this time and as I see it I've proven incapable to mend myself! I frequently visit this site because I have nowhere else to talk to. My family is really far away. Sure I'm surrounded with friends but inside me I feel horribly alone and crushed. I am aware that I am the one doing this to myself, just as one post said. I'm trying to fix this. |
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#23
May 16, 2009, 01:57 AM
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One drawback that I can readily imagine for a memory wipe-out is that you wouldn't have learned anything from your experience and there'd be nothing to prevent you from doing it the same way all over again. Quote:
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If someone were to ask me that same question, I'd probably ask back, "What have you got?" I'm still pretty new here and a long, long way from knowing all the different kinds of support there might be, but here's how I'm picturing it: you tell us which way you want to go, and we tell you if we've ever been that way ourselves, what it was like, what seemed to work for us, what didn't, and whether the way you say you're going looks like the way that we went, or not. I think we already did one short round of that, above, with the memory wipe, unless someone else has something to add. Before I finish, I did want to mention one kind of "support" (well, something that sometimes passes for support) that I don't think works at all. Years ago, Eric Berne wrote a book called Games People Play in which he described a game he called "Why Don't You...? Yes, But". The person who's "it" describes a problem they're having and asks the others for advice. Everyone in turn suggests something: "Why don't you...?" To each suggestion, the one who's "it" answers, "Yes, but..." and goes on to say why the suggestion wouldn't work for them. I think the game was supposed to continue until everyone gave up in frustration, but maybe the last person left was the winner. Anyway, my suggestion is, let's not play that. |
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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