[pilarlina]

Hi
I am writing here because I am in a position where I cannot talk to anyone I know. I do not want them knowing of my situation.
I have been with Jon for almost 2 years, and in that period have witnessed some actions of his that are not good.
He has been physical with me in the past, but I insist that he is not that kind of person. I need to see the best in him, but I am afraid.
Just last night, he had reached into our chihuahua's cage, I don't know for what, but the dog bit him. The dog has been a little snippy since we have gotten another puppy. Jon exploded, snatched the dog from the cage and began to hit him. This does not sit well with me at all, so I tried to restrain/ stop Jon. In the process I got knocked to the floor, and Jon took the dog by the neck, choking him. The dog began to poop- I assume a reflex caused by extreme panic. Jon stormed outside, and THREW the dog by his neck into the yard. I was screaming and terrified, so I shut the door and locked it. Immediately I realized that Jon would erupt if I locked the door, so I unlocked it. I grabbed the other puppy and ran outside to see if the dog was okay. In the meantime Jon locked the door on me. I was left outside in the cold for nearly an hour, pleading with him to let me in.
Jon's name is on the mortgage, and even though I pay for some, and other things in the home, when Jon is upset it is HIS house. So I am repeatedly threatened to be kicked out of HIS home.
After I was allowed in, he began to scream at me for disrespecting him. I had held his arms, screaming trying to release his hold on the dog, and I had locked him out- this was all MY FAULT.
He does not see the fault in his actions- he sees it as me hitting him, which I have not, did not, never do with anyone. He is upset with me. And he doesn't see his fault.
So I told him-what would you do if I hit your son and dragged him by his throat? Jon said "If my son bit you, then I would condone you hitting him..."
Is this not a messed up way of thinking? he is still upset with me today, and is berating me for all sorts of things- as he usually does.
He had been drinking a lot, but his temper is short even when he has not had a drink. He is usually such a nice person, and I love and care for him.
I can handle his abuse on me, but hitting a little dog? I feel guilty having my dog be put in a situation like this, but I cannot go.
I am a smart person, and I know that anybody would tell me to get the hell out, but I am not going to quit something I have worked on. There is too much at stake- I have a horrific schedule of school and work, and me leaving would destroy my will to do anything.
Is there anything? I am deperate for someone to tell, someone who does not know us so that they are biased towards us. Please help

[Wants2Fly]

Dear Pilarina -- Welcome to the forums. I urge you to find a counseling service immediately. This is too much for you to keep bottled up inside of you.

We can support you here, but we are not professionals (except for Dr. John).

If you are in school, there is probably a campus counseling service that you can go to free.

County or city health departments and Family Services of United Way are other resources that are widely available.

You do not have to tell Jon that you are going to counseling. Or, if you have to account for the time, you can say that you are going because you feel stressed out and avoid details.

Best wishes for finding the resources and support you need. Keep coming back to the forums, too.

[fearlessRich]

Pilarlina -

I felt I had to respond and second Wants2Fly's recommendation: get to a counselor. While getting advice from uninvolved parties here in the forum is a good start, you need to go talk to someone in person as well. They do not know the situation and have no bias.

Other than that, you already stated the answer. If Jon is unwilling to see the problem with his behavior, and thus unwilling to get any help / do anything about it, he will never change. If he believes how he treated that dog is acceptable, and undoubtedly believes how he has treats you is okay, then you need to get as far away from this man as humanly possible. Would that be seemingly impossible for you? You bet. But, while you may be able to handle his abuse, you do not need to.

But for now, continue getting the support you need. I believe you can build up a support network that will allow you to get out of this abusive relationship.

Good luck and keep us posted!

R

[someone_else]

Hi,
I'm new here too so welcome from one new person to another. Your post caught my attention big time and I have to respond, first to echo the previous replies to find a f2f therapist as soon as possible. A professional can help you in ways that your peers cannot, even people who have experienced the same type of abuse.
You're very right- his thinking is not rational, for whatever reason. I'd bet money that there's something much deeper going on inside him, something only a professional would be able to help with.
A little dog is innocent and unwilling to fight back against such abuse, but you said one thing that literally jumped off the page at me. Though I understand where you're coming from, saying "I can handle his abuse" is something i've heard many other abused women say..."i can take it" but why the hell should you? You don't deserve that any more than any other person, child or animal.
Please take good care and be safe

I'm SO sorry you are going through such a nightmare. I echo the need for therapy, and I also think it's really important to think about your physical safety living with this man. He sounds violent, and short fused. This does not sound safe for you at all.

Additionally, your man should not be in the same home as those dogs. I strongly urge you to consider giving the dogs to someone who can care for them in a safe environment. They are in danger of further abuse from this dangerous man. Loving your animals means putting their safety above your own need for companionship.

Hopefully, if your environment changes, you can get your dogs back again.

Please take care of yourself and your pups.

emmy

[SweetCrusader]

I agree with Emmy, you need to keep those dogs safe. But PLEASE get yourself safe, too. I think it's clear that Jon is dangerous. And these kinds of behaviors DO escalate.

I'm so SOOO sorry that you are in this situation. My heart is broken for you I wish I could help you somehow.

*safe hugs* if you want them

Angela

please look up women's crisis lines in your area. or women and children's services as they are the best resources to help you develop a plan of safety.

I fear for your safety and the safety of anyone in the reach of this man. I am sorry you are in this situation.

there are many people trained and staffing 24 hr hotlines who can listen and offer realistic support for wherever you are at......and you said that you aren't going to leave so they can work with you on solutions that will help you realize that you are worth far more than this type of frightening violence that NO ONE should ever have to endure.

please don't wait. please consider surrendering the animals to a loving home as they are the most innocent victims of this scenario.

one thing that screams out at me from your post

*****I am a smart person, and I know that anybody would tell me to get the hell out, but I am not going to quit something I have worked on.*****

you are a smart person but you aren't treating yourself with respect by sticking out a dangerous situation that is escalating. Sometimes we have to recognize when investing more time isn't helping but instead keeping you one more day in fear, one more day afraid of what might happen next. That is no way to live.

it is a cycle and it can be broken.

hotlines are anonymous and 24 hours in many places. I don't know any national off the top of my head but I'm sure that if you look in your phone book you'll find local and state resources. check your state's webpage.

I've seen women make the break and their lives change for the better with the support of those that have walked in that scary path before. Find those women and please tell this story and get help now.

[silver_queen]

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He has been physical with me in the past, but I insist that he is not that kind of person.

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The fact that he has hit you in the past suggests that he is that kind of person. Why should he change?

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I need to see the best in him, but I am afraid.

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If he was a good, kind man, his good aspects should be immediately apparent. You shouldn't have to search for them.

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he had reached into our chihuahua's cage, I don't know for what, but the dog bit him.

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Often when dogs are in such places, if somebody reaches in they bite or nip. After all they are cornered in there and there is no way out and if somebody starts reaching in, they don't know what the hand will do and they will feel threatened.

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Immediately I realized that Jon would erupt if I locked the door, so I unlocked it.

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Does that mean you were afraid he would turn his anger on you?

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he began to scream at me for disrespecting him.

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To me, that sounds extremely controlling. I wouldn't say most people see an attempt at stopping somebody from hurting a small dog as 'disrespectful.'

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he is still upset with me today, and is berating me for all sorts of things- as he usually does.

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From the sound of it, he is taking his anger out on you. You shouldn't have to live with him constantly yelling and nagging at you all the time.

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He is usually such a nice person, and I love and care for him.

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Don't excuse him. He'e been violent towards you in the past, and he could easily have killed your dog the other night, either by snapping its neck when he held it by the throat, or breaking its bones when he threw the dog into the yard. Maybe he is ordinarily a nice person, but this streak of anger and violence he has makes him dangerous.

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I can handle his abuse on me

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You shouldn't have to put up with it.

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I am not going to quit something I have worked on.

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Does that mean you're trying to convert him into being a nice caring guy who never hits you or the dogs? If you are, it'll never work. That nasty side to him will never change. Besides, you'll always be afraid that he will erupt again. And unless your chihuahua is extraordinarily forgiving, he too will be afraid of your guy, and may bite him again if he feels threatened again, which may lead to a repeat of the other night.

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me leaving would destroy my will to do anything.

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Why?

So I agree with the others, in that you should at the very least see a counsellor about this, and if possible move out asap. I know you say you don't want to move out, but he is certainly not stable, and since you say he is drinking a lot there is a high possibility that the situation will worsen. The fact that he has used violence against you before does not mean he won't do it again. You shouldn't have to live in a place where you are scared for yourself and for your pets, and frightened of his anger. You don't deserve it.

[Malady156]

And you are with this person ... WHY exactly again?

I'm sorry but I see absolutely no reason why you are bothering to stay in this situation. Leave that house. Leave that loser. Go now. Don't put it off. Pack, grab the dogs, and go. Anywhere. Find a friend with a spare room, a family member you can trust, a shelter somewhere. GET OUT. Before you end up DEAD. Or worse: living a life where you progressively come to believe this is your fault OR you deserve it somehow OR it's your duty to endure it, OR ALL THREE AND MORE.

If it were me, there'd be no love LEFT at that point to keep me there. You mistreat me, you're history. You need a dose of that yourself. Feel free to borrow mine, just please, respect yourself enough to ditch this piece of garbage. Life's too short and there are wonderful men out there who are good looking AND great in bed AND will treat you like a QUEEN. Go find one!

p.s. - is this why you feel you can't tell anyone, because they will respond like I did and like others here have, and encourage you to take care of yourself and get out of there? Maybe you feel like they "don't understand" if they tell you that? I don't know, I can't read your mind. But I'd venture to guess that AT LEAST a PART of you wants out of this hell and that's why you opened up and broke the silence. I'm GLAD you did. That's a good first step and it was very brave of you to take it. I just can't stand to see people put up with this kind of crap! If you get out now, and if you really love him, it gives you the power to issue an ultimatum like so: "Jon, I do care about you and I wish we could be together, but I cannot handle your anger and violence. If you want to be with me, you must see a therapist and a doctor and get it under control first. Then we can discuss our future. But not one second before." And mean it. And ENFORCE it. Meaning he must establish a treatment history and show definite progress before you'll even consider thinking about resuming the relationship. PERIOD. Then it becomes his choice -- and if he chooses his anger and violence over you, you'll KNOW you made the right choice by walking away when you did.

[nothemama8]

Any man ( and I use this term losely) that will attack a defenseless dog will do the same to a child and a woman, you say he has hit you in the past, why should he change, he needs help, you need safety. I have been in this situation many yrs ago, said he loved me , got mad threw my puppy over bridge, I would have been next if people hadn't stopped.
Run to nearest safe house NOW Prays are with you.
Angie

[dalila]

<font color="green">Are you prepared to bury your dog? Is your family prepared to bury you? My oldest recently had to go to a shelter to escape her abusive boyfriend. She lost a lot of things; her home, her crystal, her school books, some clothing, her dog and her cat. But she is alive, her daughters are safe and much more emotionally healthy, and she has found true love with a man who is caring and protective of her and the children. It was incredibly hard for her to do this but it was oh so very necessary. Please don't wait too long -- your things and your pride are not worth your life.

[Wants2Fly]

Dear Pilar --

As the first responder, I was reluctant to be too overt in my responses and potentially scare you away. Every single thought that others have written about was among my immediate gut-level responses to your post.

I hope you will find safe homes for the dogs and then get out yourself. Last year, after being a dog owner for 30 years, I found loving homes for my 2 pets, simply bec. I was seriously depressed. I could barely take care of myself, and I believed that I owed it to them to provide something better for them.

All your work on this relationship will come to nothing if Jon isn't willing to work on his behaviors. And yes, violence always escalates.

Please let us know how you are doing. I am concerned for you.

[kimmydawn]

pilarlina,

your post sends chills through me...literally. you are in danger. your animals are in danger. do you plan on having children someday with this man??? they would be in danger. my head wonders all of these things...knowing that he won't change. my cousin took horrible abuse until her ex almost killed her child. please re-think your thinking. i am the survivor of childhood abuse...please, please do something now.

on the other hand, i know nothing that i said to my cousin would sink in...all of the same things i've said here and more. her self worth was so low that she accepted it and took it. also, she was the victim of childhood abuse and even tho she knew it was wrong of him to abuse her...it was what she'd been used to. why would anything be different, right? well, thank God her and her son are ok now...but not before she went to jail for things her husband got involved in out of her fear of him. your situation will escalate...not diminish. don't fool yourself. denial is a powerful tool...and can be harmful.

if you feel you can't/won't leave him at this point (which i desperately feel for your safety if you don't), at least begin making preparations for when you have to...and believe me you'll have to and probably quickly. start saving money that he knows nothing of...just little bits at a time. make a plan on where you can go that he knows nothing about. make an escape plan and prepare to defend your safety. doing these things i pray will be empowering for you and give you, if slowly, the strength you need to get out of there. consider the money you've paid on house money you would've paid for rent at a nice apartment (probably less). don't let those things stop you. everything can be replaced. you can't.

i so agree with counselling. you need someone there on your side and to help you begin to take control of your life again...even if it's just calling a local hotline once a week. but please start preparing yourself for when you have to leave. i think it will give you the strength you need to do what you have to do when the time comes. it will also lessen your anxiety of being without him.

he is a dangerous person, and if he's drinking, he'll become much more dangerous and explosive. please, please do what you have to do to take care of yourself. it's your responsibility to those in your life you love you...and it's not him. he may think he does, but if that's the way he shows love he doesn't know what it is...and i'm sorry if this sounds harsh...you don't have the skills or magical powers to show him what love is.

i pray for you and send you wishes of safety, strength and peace.

be safe,

kimmydawn

[shakes]

I am a battered women's counselor and you are experiencing domestic violence in your household. You need to reach out to services in your area. If you would like I can get the numbers for whatever resources are available and get them to you.
Without counseling the violence will not stop. You need to protect yourself. Your husband is a very violent person and it is not your fault. You are not alone and you do not deserve to be abused.

Please take care,
Jessica

[shaddix]

leave him

you're in my prayers

[allautumn]

Have you taken the domestic abuse quiz? Take a look through the quizzes on this site, it's in there. Somehow, you need to understand that what he is doing is wrong. Your anger and fear are trying to get you to leave, and you are ignoring them becuase you want to help him. You can't. By staying, he is enabled to do these things. By leaving, you make sure once and for all that he can't. You have a choice to change your life. He WILL NOT CHANGE. A few people here have been in that same situation, so we understand. If you came looking for advice, I think you've found concencus. Look out for number one (YOU, in case you've forgotten!) and get out of there.
Peace be with you, we're all sending you strength.

[Myzen]

Hi Pilarlina,

I agree pretty much with everyone here, and it's a strong call for you to get help urgently.

In the longer term I think it is possible for a violent man to change behaviour, but it would require an honest effort from him, to understand just how abusive his behavior has been and to be honest with a counsellor about his mental state. The drinking is clearly part of his problems, and as others have said, there is deeper stuff in there, fuelling his anger.

It is unlikely that he will change while you are still with him, so a period apart while he gets some counselling would be necessary. Also you have rights of part ownership on the house.

I know it' s hard, but if you want to help him, the best thing you can do is separate from him, at least for a while. He has to take responsibility for what he has done so far, and face up to it for the cowardly behaviour that it is.

I don't know what the statistics are for violent men changing behaviour with the same partner, but I suspect it's pretty low.
Shakes will probably know the answer to that one. In the meantime, as everyone has said here, you need to get yourself out of danger.

I'm really sorry that your relationship has turned out this way.

Good thoughts to you,

Myzen

[Wants2Fly]

I am concerned for you, Pilarina. How are things going for you right now?

[shakes]

Myzen,
Abusers will never change their behavior unless they want to. It is impossible to have an abuser stop abusing by forcing them to go to classes and therapy. They have to want to stop hitting their partners and that is a hard thing to do. People abuse to gain power and control over a situation. It is easier to get one's way in a matter when physical violence or emotional abuse is used. They have to want to learn how to communicate instead.
Programs to rehabiltate abusers have a very low sucess rate (regardless of what they say). Most programs tally their "success stories" by seeing how many men hit while in therapy. The rate is almost zero because if they are caught they go to jail (it is usually the choice of therapy or jail when someone is arrested for D.V) so of course they have a good success rate.
It is not anyone's reponsibility to change or "save" their partner because it just does not work.
Jessica

[adieuolivaw]

Myzen --- I don't know about the laws in the UK. However, in the US there is no part-ownership of a house for a person whose name is not on the mortgage, especially not for an only-two-year relationship.

One would think there is an ethical obligation to be fair about material matters. Unfortunately the concept of material fairness is difficult for many to grasp. And the concept of nonviolent relationships also. Hence the need for women to be very careful about placing themselves in someone else's power.

Pilarlina --- You and your animals should come first. Never give the benefit of the doubt to anyone else. You have experienced violence at someone's hands. That person does not deserve to ever see you again, much less to be trusted.

Such people don't need to use violence again, or very often anyway. Once they have used it, fear is in the household and changes the woman's behavior. She cringes and walks on eggshells, catering to his whims and demands, no matter how unreasonable. There cannot be love under such conditions. Not after one has been conditioned like a lab animal, to behave only in certain ways to avoid being abused.

These are not theories. I speak from experience.

Shakes is right. If you plan carefully, you may be able to get out quickly without interrupting your schooling. Think it over. It's time for you to leave. Just do it wisely, not impulsively. Shakes could be a good resource for you. She seems to know the ropes. And remember, material things can be replaced. Your life cannot be. Also, your feeling of self-worth and human dignity is being damaged every day you stay there.

It's a good time to walk before you get teeth knocked out, before your face gets disfigured, before you get a broken jaw, before you become brain-damaged from a clout on the head, or before you get choked the same way the dog was. It only takes once.

Adieu

[Myzen]

Hi folks,

Lots of responses on this thread, but I don't see a reply from Pilarlina.

Are you still with us Pilarlina? Stay with us if you can, there are a lot of good people here who just want to help.

Good thoughts to you, Myzen.

[misty]

Need to keep this short because this hits to close to home with alot of hurts and regrets of not acting sooner.
Hope you get some counseling, stick around here and keep talking. It is so easy to be on the outside and say leave. I know because I use to be on the inside and people telling me to leave.
Yes they can change but they won't as long as they are making excuses, blaming others for their actions and we stay in the cycle believing their excuses, making excuses for them, believing we deserve it, thinking we can change them etc..
You deserve to be treated with kindness, respect and love and so do your dogs.
mlyn

[pilarlina]

I appreciate all the thoughts and advice. Thank you.
I was hesitant to respond because I don't want to write with no news. Things are calm, we have talked, and I am hoping that things will stay nice and calm. I understand what I should do if it should get bad. Thank you all. I really needed to just get things off my chest. I hope that everyone is well.

[Wants2Fly]

Thanks for the update Pilarlina. We are here for you when you need us.

[kimmydawn]

pilarlina,

thanks for letting us know that you're still around and doing ok. keep talking to us

you did say that you understand what you should do "if things get bad". have you made a clear definition of what "bad" is going to be for you? i think that's imperative.

i hope so many things for you right now.

be safe,

kimmydawn