Recovering from an ended affair

Changing your life in any way, good or bad for any reason other than for your own satisfaction is not a good idea, nor does it stick.

Why do you find it hard to believe that he's such a heel? Why does this come as a surprise to you? No offense intended but the man knowingly carried on a relationship with a married woman. Is this perhaps his MO? Does he intentionally seek women out that are already committed elsewhere?

In my opinion if you truly want to get passed this, you really do have to stop thinking of things in terms of what he'd think of how you look or what you've done. What's past is past. Since this is not a work in progress relationship, why dwell on what HE'S done and focus on yourself.

What made you decide to seek a relationship outside of your marriage? Until you establish the real reason for that you're at risk of repeating it. If you were unhappy in your marriage, what kept you from doing things the right way (ie end your marriage, heal, begin a new healthier relationship)? What warning signs did you miss? Why did you tolerate this type of behavior? What were you looking for in this relationship? What trade offs did you make, why?

I don't mean that you have to answer to me or anyone else, you will do yourself the most benefit (imo) by using your energy finding the source of your unhappiness. In my view, enganing him in any form only continues this torment. You will never find complete closure here and seeking it is a fruitless effort. Focus instead on yourself and what you need to be happy.

What I need is someone to tell me why this is not a good idea....

These seem like wise words: My 'logical' self is saying that the better course of action is to leave it alone.

Even though I have been guilty of doing harm to my husband (despite the fact he is unaware of the affair) that does not give my ex-lover the right to treat me in such a disrespectful manner--what he did was wrong.

Do you think it might be possible you're displacing your anger, judgements, etc. at your self onto your ex-lover? You do seem to have an awareness that his behavior mirrors aspects of your own. I'm not saying as much to make you feel bad, rather, I think it's possible these feelings in you might help you to empathize with your husband and reconnect to him. For example, the things you long for from your ex-lover may be the things your husband longs for from you.

It's also been my observation that even if you don't say anything, partners know that something has come into the space between you, even if they don't know precisely what it is.

No doubt you will feel yourself going back and forth on many aspects of your former relationship and feel some intense conflicts at times but since your desire is to return to your marriage, maybe when you begin thinking of your ex-lover you could refocus your attention on the space that exists between you and your husband. If you were going to dress attractively for your ex-lover; do it now for your husband. If you were going to compliment your ex-lover; do it now for your husband. If you were going to go out of your way to take care of an errand for your ex-lover; do this now for your husband. That might allow you to productively re-invest your energies in where you want to be.

~ Namaste

Arghhh!! I KNOW you're right! Why DOES it matter what he thinks?? I don't know? I think it will take awhile to sort out what I think and why I think it as well as how I feel and why. I know why I looked outside my marriage but I'm not sure what to do about it. I have considered going to see a counselor and am still entertaining the idea because I suspect it would be easier to get at the real underlying reasons.

One thing is for sure--the worst is over now I would think. I am working on re-training myself to focus on me, my life and my husband and children. For 2 years I have been wandering around in a sort of fog which is only now beginning to lift.

I'm not sure why its taken me so long to begin to see him as a jerk--and truthfully I think I built such an elaborate fantasy life around him that it is quite possible that it is not really him I am mourning at all but the loss of whatever need that fantasy was filling....

Those are very good insights. I have actually begun to focus on my husband but not as clearly as you have suggested. I will try to incorporate some of those suggestions into my life.

I don't mind a person being blunt and direct in making suggestions, btw. My feelings have been hurt far more by this fiasco of a pseudo relationship than anything anyone would say here (particularly when it is said for my own good!)

It sounds like you realize that you want the fantasy back. And that's all it ever really was, a fantasy. I highly suspect if you look back, you've been making excuses and rationalizations for his behavior for a long time just to hold on to that fantasy.

Put it in perspective, you really don't care what this man thinks/feels/does. But this fantasy man that you've created in your mind will cause you pain for as long as you allow him to. Granted your feelings are real, but the relationship was not. I try very hard to look for the silver lining these days, your silver lining in my view is that his behavior has popped that fantasy bubble and given you the opportunity to really address the underlying problem. As I've stated before, until you address the source of your unhappiness, the real source, you're easy prey for the next guy that sees you're vulnerable and says what you want to hear.

I am in no way trying to belittle the feeling of betrayal and all that goes along with it. It cuts us to the core when people treat us like garbage. BUT it's a cliche but I'm a firm believer you reap what you sow. Right now you're planting garbage and it's time to change your supplier.

Think for a few minutes about how things would have been differently had this been Mr. Right. Certainly if he had genuine feelings for you and your well-being he would never have tolerated having only a sliver of your life, it wouldn't have been enough. And if he had really been all you thought he was you wouldn't have been satisfied with a part-time relationship either.

Now you get to decide where you go from here.

I'm not sure why its taken me so long to begin to see him as a jerk--and truthfully I think I built such an elaborate fantasy life around him that it is quite possible that it is not really him I am mourning at all but the loss of whatever need that fantasy was filling....

It's possible the following might have some insights for you...

See also: The Anima/Animus and Midlife

Both those posts (AAAAA and SE) are immensely helpful to me. I feel like I am finding the support and insights (this and private msg support) I was seeking when I came onto this board. There is so much truth here and an abundance of constructive advice, criticisms and possible explanations and angles!

That last post by SE with the reference in it--wow! That is right on. Combine that initial attraction (to my inner animus) with a fantasy built on top to smooth over the cracks and I think that looks about right.

AAAAA: I do recognize that I have a vulnerability and the need to address it, but somehow I am reluctant (very) to go there. I couldn't even say why...

dotbar: That last post by SE with the reference in it--wow! That is right on. Combine that initial attraction (to my inner animus) with a fantasy built on top to smooth over the cracks and I think that looks about right.

Animus projection tends to be involved in many opposite sex relationships. What happens is you carry an inner image of "the ideal male" within you. When you encounter someone in your world who possesses some characteristics in common with your animus, that can be enough for your animus to be projected and then, held in place by the anchors of those common characteristics. Because the other possesses qualities and characteristics that you desire for yourself, partnering with them in some capacity can bring you a sense of wholeness and completeness.

One of two things seems to happen at some point:

1: You begin to integrate qualities/characteristics of the individual you have partnered with. In turn, this strengthens your anima/animus although it may weaken your "romantic attraction" to the partner, perhaps ushering in a new stage of mature love wherein all illusions have been set aside and you finally see your partner for the person they are, not the projected fantasy.

2: The partner who serves as a screen for your projection does something inconsistent or out of character with the image you carry and the projection can no longer be held. At that point, you fall "out" of love and may wonder what you ever saw in them in the first place.

No doubt, your husband once served as the screen for your animus projection and later, your lover. You likely served as a screen for their own anima projection as well. So too, your ex-lover's new lover likely shares some characteristics in common with you because both of you serve as the screen for this man's anima projection. Part of the purpose of relationships with other people seems to be a means of bringing us into union with disowned aspects of our self.

As part of your own healing and recovery you may find it helpful to explore the role of the animus as a means of understanding your relationships with both these men and deepening your understanding of your self and your own motivations.

~ Namaste

See also: The Anima and Animus

When I chose my husband as my spouse, it wasn't according to the same criteria with which I chose my lover. I was young (18 at the time) and a single mother of a 1 year old. I was 1 year out of a 2 year dysfunctional relationship that had done me a lot of damage so I decided I would choose a good, dependable, solid man---and that's exactly what I got. Unfortunately our sex life is the one weakness. I am the only woman he has ever been with and sex has always been awkward and just not good. My husband is very much like a best friend. We have loads of common interests and I enjoy his company. He doesn't represent my animus in the same way my lover did. I think that is the bereavement I am feeling--kind of a version of a loss of part of myself. (But that method [adultery] of finding wholeness wasn't without its limitations and frustrations either...) The good news I have gleaned from the article (and actually another site which said much the same thing in a different way...) is that I can provide that missing element myself by developing those things within me!

Feeling kind of sad tonight. I should be studying for my midterm in Auditing tomorrow night but I just can't seem to buckle down. I've been keeping busy [did my long run-18K--with my best friend on Friday, walked hills for 2 hours with my husband on Saturday and went for frozen yogurt afterwards (bought 2 super cute tropical wrap skirts), and ran 10K with husband today.] If I get a lousy mark on this exam I'll just feel worse. darn.

Why is this cloud of melancholy (made up of flashes of anger and memories of my ex lover) floating over my head? Maybe tomorrow will be 'sunnier'.

dotbar, i think it's great that you're trying to work on yourself and your marriage to rebuild it. i'm wondering, is there any way you can report this guy to his school. are you sure once a student is no longer in his class he is then allowed to date them? it really still seems like a conflict of interest to me for a prof to do that, especially when it's a pattern as it seems to be with him.

Dot you should really listen to AAAAA and SE. I also think that you need to somehow tell your husband about your needs. If you need more in the bedroom then TELL HIM!!! I also think this school you go to isn't healthy for you. Why not transfer to another school where you will not see him. IMO I think that you fell in love with the sex this man gave you. Something that you need from your husband. They do have sex therapists. Think about this, if he lied to you about this girl, just think about what else he could do to you. I'm not trying to be harsh, but this man clearly does not care about you, and he probably doesn't care about the other girl either. Even though your hurt, you shouldn't worry about him being with another girl, or how he went about doing it. He's a pig. IMO I would say that he uses women for his own bennifit. This man has nothing to offer you at all, but a bunch of heartache.

I have read all of your messages and I want to encourage you. You are still very close to the affair and so you should expect a lot of emotional turmoil and grief. It WILL get better. My therapist said it can take up to 2 years to feel "normal" again. She was right. It helps to think about the other man in a very objective rational way. Be brutal about the relationship and realize that it was wrong and only temporary. The jealousy is there, and yet, tell yourself that you shouldn't be surprised that he would be with other people. You were with someone else the whole time. He had to share you with your husband. Why should he be faithful to you when you were not faithful to him (by staying with your husband) or faithful to your husband. An affair is a fantasy relationship that meets only part of your needs. It can hardly ever end in a positive way. I think you are right for working on your marriage and you are absolutely in no way ready to share this with your husband. There may come a time in the future that you can tell him, but you really need to first get grounded yourself and build on your marriage.
The best thing to do is focus on all the negative things about your lover when you start to "reminisce". Don't allow yourself to think about him in fuzzy glowing light. Treasure the positive things and leave them in the past. Tell yourself that when you are an old woman you can think about him, but right now...don't. Try to focus on all the positive things about your husband and look at your children and tell yourself that they are worth it. Make it work for their sake even if you don't have a lot of warm feelings towards your husband. I have many more things to share with you, but maybe you can e-mail me privately. Hang in there, honey. God Bless!

Thank you for that. It all helps!

Thanks everyone.

I know what you have been and are going through regarding your affair. I've found the EAS (Ending the Affair Support) message board on IVillage to be most helpful. There is also an After the Affair Support board that's not as active but also helpful. You'll find yourself in the company of women just like yourself who've been in the same situation. It's a place where you can receive and give support and advice.

Good Luck

I don't know if you're still reading this post anymore, but I feel like you're wanting this other man to want you, and that's the reason why you want to make your life better. But it shouldn't, you should want to make yourself a better person because of you, because of the people in your life that you care about, and who cares for you. I can imagine how difficult it is to be in your position. I cheated too, on my ex-boyfriend. After the affair, I was always angry with everyone and took it out on the people around me. I blamed school, and stress, and them, but really, the whole time, I was angry with myself. I didn't go the healthy way in healing from it. I knew why I cheated, and it was not an excuse. The problem is within me. But at least I knew the circumstances to stay away from. Knowing that, I was so disgusted I keep telling myself "This did not happen, this did not happen, I am not a bad person" just to cope.
I'm now in a relationship with a wonderful guy. Everyday, I reflect on how lucky I am to be loved and able to love my boyfriend, my close friends, and my family. But I keep making mistakes after mistakes, I lied to my boyfriend about the affair. Even though I cheated on my ex, and not him, I should have forgiven myself so I can admit my mistake and tell the truth. But I couldn't. Our trust is broken, and he is torn between wanting to stay and wanting to leave me. I'm completely heartbroken. I'm still too young and immature to accept my mistakes. I'm working on it now. So I hope you'll be able to find your way for you, so you can be happy, so you can give all you can give to your husband, and your children. They are the best gifts in your life, please don't take it for granted.

Dear Dotbar ~ well, I'm certainly no expert in marriages, and I'm not sure what to do about telling your husband. But, to get over a person with whom I had been intimate and still harbored positive feelings [but knew the relationship needed to end], I began by concentrating on his weaknesses and deficits of character [or physical deficits] - whatever works. This might lessen your desire for him. I know you feel betrayed, and that hurts like the dickens and is hard to get over. You might also remember this: whoever puts the most into a relationship [which would be you], also takes the most away from it. In time, the individual who put the least into the relationship sees that. Don't be surprised if the "affair man" tries to reconcile with you at some point, in which case, you will need to REALLY concentrate on his undesirable qualities. Just some stray thoughts and beliefs ~ billieJ

dotbar... may I ask what led you to the affair in the first place?

What do you not feel lacking between you and your husband? What emotional/physical etc needs are not met?

Betrayal hurts. It's not easy to move on. Maybe it's closure you need, maybe it's time, maybe it's something else. I dunno. But wishing the best of luck.

Well on my opinion, you were dishonest to your husband, if things don t go well, in a marriage, you should work it out, instead of going off with someone else, what happen to you about your lover, look at it this way, what goes around comes around. I think when people cheat behind there partners back, have low self esteem, and no respect for themselves or there partner.

Hi Docvd,

I totally agree with this statement. I think in general... people who have affairs are attempting to fill a void that only they, themselves can fill.

I know Dotbar has said that sexual problems with her husband were the reason why she had an affair in the first place, but I think the issue goes far deeper than that. It appears to me that the deeper issue stems from a very serious lack of self esteem.

Like many women... Dotbar... IMHO... was looking to bolster her self esteem by engaging in an romantic relationship... (in Dotbar's case-- an affair outside of her marriage) when she really needs to be looking to herself to resolve her self esteem & general unhappiness with life issues.

A guy.. even if they happen to be a pefect angel... lol... is never going to be enough... if you are not happy with yourself in the first place!!

Just my $0.02.

{{{{{{{Dot}}}}}}}}}}

sending you the strength to do what is best for you. I'm here for support whenever you need it.

xoxoxoxo

Concertrate on your husband's desirable qualities and the "boyfriend's" undesirable ones.

Dot hasn't been online in almost two months, or rather she hasn't signed into PC with her user name etc.

teeeheeeee you know, it's really funny that I didn't even notice

Hey, thanks for your concern! It is actually because I have fully recovered. Thanks so much to everyone for the help in hashing out my feelings and coming to terms with the situation. Over the past months I have set and kept several goals and feel pretty darned good. I don't expect you will see me again. Good luck to everyone on their journeys!