Letting go of someone you still love

So sorry you are hurting so bad, Deedee. But, please take heart. You're headed in the right direction, and I think jerrymichele got it all pretty much right.

Hi everyone,

I have been really struggling with my feelings over the past couple of days. I have been on an emotional roller coaster. I am struggling with how to let go and accept the fact that he doesn't wan't to be with me anymore, and that we're never going to be together again. I am still in love with him, and it's hard because he's so over me.
We have someone coming to look at the house this week, but this is still going to be such a long process before I can start moving on with my life, and the hard part hasn't even begun because as hard as it is continuing to live together, it's going to be even harder once I'm all alone and I don't see him or hear from him again. I keep thinking about the holidays and how I'm going to get through them, and how the day of the closing I'm going to have to sit across the table and sign away my house to someone else, and that is going to be when I lose the house and my relationship, we're going to go our separate ways, to two different homes,and it was only 3 years ago that we signed on the house and had some many dreams and we were so happy together. I miss not have his son around too. It's just SOOO lonely. I can't understand how two people can be so happy and in love, and then it just goes away.
I know that I deserve better, but I don't know how to let go of him so that I can love someone else and be able to trust the next person and not get hurt again. The pain I feel is just so overwhelming and exhausting. It's every minute of the day, from the time I wake up until the time I go to bed. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't work. It's terrible. I don't want to hurt like this anymore. Please give me some advice.

Deedee

Deedee I know that this is really painful for you, and I'm sorry for this. A lot of people start going to therapy when your grieving over a relationship. It might be something that you might want to try. Believe me he will find out one day what he lost. I do think once he's not around you so much you will start healing from this. I promise you it will get better.

Hey (((Deedee))). I agree (again) with jerrymichele. Right now you are surrounded by the remnants of your relationship - everything a constant reminder of what was. It is going to be rough going through this process; however, going through this process is going to help you grieve your loss and accept the finality of the desolution of your relationship. Once the papers on the house are signed and you are in your new home, you will begin to feel the relief and it will be easier for you to focus on your future. Try not to dwell on what might have been or even on future relationships, etc. - by the time you get to that point, you will be a different person. I know that this is a horribly painful thing - been there myself. For now, concentrate on doing whatever you need to do (therapy, etc.) to get you through the process of finalizing this relationship and situation - grieve it, bury it, then move on with your new life.

Time is the best healer ever....He's such a mean person, not just to you, even to his own kid...his kid would miss you too....and I'm sure what he's doing to you, he will do that to the other woman too....Nobody would get benefit out of building up their love on the others' misery!
Stay strong....and you will be surprised with what will happen!
About the real estate guy....be careful....that's their job to stay close to you and show their friendship or even use their sexuality for their clients....then once you sell your home, you will never hear from them.....just be very careful...right now you are fragile and sad and you want to get into another relationship, but you can get into the bad ones.....try to heal yourself first...and your ex-bf is not worth it at all....I can't understand how he moved on this much quickly even! and the cheater will be a cheater always....

Deedee and Marjan I think he moved on quickly because he thinks the grass is greener on the other side. He's a fool. The other gf is still with her bf. He seems to think that she is going to give up the bf when I don't think she is. All she's doing is using Deedee's ex. When the girl ends things with Deedee's ex that's when he will want Deedee back. Clearly all this man thinks about is himself. Not only has he devestated Deedee, he also hurt his own child. I know that baby has got to be asking for Deedee, because she's been a part of his life. And Deedee he will do this again, so what Marjan says is so true. Once a cheater always a cheater.

Jerrymichele, thank you for all your advice. I have been struggling with the fact that his son seems to have just putten our relationship behind him, just like his father did, and I understand that he's only 8, and he's probably just happy that he's got his father all to himself again, in a home for just him and his father, and that's exciting to him, but it still hurts. I would like to think that I played a role in the kind of person he is today. I know that this relationship is over with my BF but it's so hard to accept that the life I thought I was going to have with him is over. Believe me I won't go back, if he even ever tries to get me back, there will never be any trust again, and I dont want to hurt like this again, once is hard enough. I'm trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I'm not there yet. I'm still grieving the loss of someone I loved very much. Hopefully I will meet someone down the road that will heal my broken heart, and show me that there are still good men out there that are trusting and honest. Until then please keep sending me words of wisdom. I need as much encouragement as I can get right now.

Thanks again, Deedee

Deedee the ex's little boy will always remember you. I have kids, and believe me they remember everything. He's young. My bf has a 8 year little boy also that I'm helping him raise. His mother walked completely out of his life, and he is always asking about her. He was 3 when we got him. This little boy will end up asking his dad about you sooner or later. I wouldn't be suprise if he already hasn't. Besides that you don't know what the ex is telling him. I'm guessing that he has told his son to stay away from you. I know that your hurting really bad. My ex-husband left me for a woman on the internet. It does take a minute to get over it, but you will. If you want I can send you my email, so if you need someone to talk to, I will be there. I have yahoo IM. I do hope that you have people in your life helping you with this. You shouldn't be by yourself right now. Friends, and family can really help. If you can try to get out for a little bit. That's what I did with my break up. It helped me a lot. I really do think once he's away from you it will help. Personally, I can't figure out how on earth he can still be under the same roof as you, and pull the crap that he's pulling. IMO that's not saying to much about his character. He's a jerk. No question about that. You might feel like your missing out on something, but your not. When you heal from all this, you will see what type of a person who he is.

Hey, JerryMichele,
I got your e-mail address and will use it. I had a pretty good day, until about a half an hour ago when I was getting ready to go out and my ex answered the phone and had about a 20 minute conversation with the other woman, right in front of me, and the kid.
It breaks my heart when I hear the tone in his voice, and the laughter, they way he used to talk to me, and it's like they know everything about each others lives, and I don't know anything that goes on anymore. He was even telling her if she wants they can get together later. He is just so inconsiderate. He knows I know who he's talking to, and I'm pretty sure his son does too. I HAVE TO GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE and SOON!!!! It is killing me. How do I let go and not care anymore.

Deedee

(((((Deedee))))) - Absolutely unbelieveably outrageous and cruel behavior on his part!! Does he realize that he is teaching his son to be the very same way? To be so cruel and disrespectful to others? How do you let go and not care anymore? You only have to let go of him and his son specifically, Deedee - not your hope, your dream of having a loving, trusting, mutually-respectful relationship with someone - don't ever let go of those hopes and dreams. Simply understand that he is NOT qualified for the job. He is not capable of fulfilling that role and you cannot afford to play that mind game of trying to fit him into it. Right now he is within your line of sight, he is the current object of your affection, he is the physical representation of your hopes and dreams, but you have to realize that he does not and cannot epitomize the qualities you want in a relationship - and he most certainly does not deserve the kind of love you are capable of giving. Don't throw your pearls before swine - you must find someone who recognizes and values the love you have to give - you must find someone who cherishes you. Just because this person does not and/or cannot cherish you that does not mean that you are not worth cherishing - you ARE! Don't sell yourself, your love, or your life short, Deedee. See this man for who and what he really is and rid yourself of him. As I've said before, I have been THERE - and the only thing I regretted afterwards was that I wasted so much time, energy, love, and tears on someone who did not deserve any of it - someone who took my most precious possessions (my self and my love) and threw them away - someone who was incapable of cherishing me as I did him. I hope you can get out of there soon - that is a toxic environment and only serves to poison you a piece at a time. Please keep posting, Deedee - we will provide all the support we can.

If your name is on the house only, I would get all his crap together, and it would be in the road. He's a pig. Even if you are moving kick him out. Say sorry, but it's time for you to go. Unfortunately, it will take a minute to get over him. I know that it's really painful, but you will get over him. When I split with my ex-husband I was going out a lot with my friends, and some family members. I even started dating other guys at the time. I had no feelings for them, but I needed some kind of distraction. If your really stressed, a workout is good to do. I did that alot. I have got to say that your handling this really well. I probably would have snatched the phone right out of his hand, and hung up the phone, and maybe smacked him in the face. I really think that you need to get him out of the house. I'm just wondering was he good to you when the two of you were together? I just think he is so, so heartless. Don't feel bad about kicking him out either. He started all this. If he tells you he's not going, this is what you do. Go into his room start grabbing all his stuff and out it goes. When he did that, that took the cake. My ex cheated on me. One time I went to grab some things at the store. Well anyways when I walked in the door, I heard him tell this other woman that he loved her. I was so outraged, I started picking up whatever, and throwing it at him. He was out that night. When people are cheating you have got to get tough with them even though it hurts. If you don't then they are just going to continue doing what they're doing. You can go ahead and email me. We can talk. You need someone to talk to, a breakup is really hard.

My GF just dumped me and I had to move away. She lived in Ma and it was 6 1/2 years. I loved her with all my heart and now its over.

Believe me, I feel your pain, but please remember you're not alone and we will get through this, one day at a time. Just believe that there are still good people out there that would love to have someone like you. Keep your head up.

Deedee

Lynne09, thank you for this e-mail. Well said. I'm going to print that up and carry it with me when I start thinking with my heart, and not my head.
I am trying so hard to just get angry and not love him anymore, but I'm just not there yet I guess. I got my keys to my apartment Sunday, and I spoke to my realtor lastnight. He said he's had people interested but they don't want to see the house until the price drops. So i told him I wanted to have an open house instead before we drop the price on the house. He said we can do it on 10/11, which is in two weeks, but I told him with the situation I'm in and how my ex is acting I would prefer to start moving all my furtniture out, and not worry about having the house looked live in so it will sell faster, I just want to move on, and get in a place where there's no memories, a fresh start. Please keep giving me advice. I know I've still got a long road ahead of me.

Deedee

By all means ((((Deedee)))) - go ahead and move your things out. Quite frankly, when I would go house-hunting, I preferred to see the place empty so I could really get a sense of the space and visualize my own furniture and things in it - so, not having it look "lived-in" can sometimes be a plus. The open-house idea is good - I agree - do that before you consider dropping the price. Hang in there (((Deedee))) - you're doing good - you're going to get through this and have a much brighter future ahead. Don't worry - we're here keeping an eye on you and will support you through this.

I do have one question, though - when your EX goes off to meet with that other woman, where is his son? Are you providing babysitting services for him while he's flaunting his affair in your face?

Lynn09,
thanks for the advice. To answer your question, ABSOLUTELY NOT! I stopped cooking, cleaning up after him, or babysitting his son when he said we were through. He and his ex-wife have joint custody of him, and she only lives a couple of blocks away from us, so he goes home.

You want to hear something ever more strange about this whole situation, this mutual friend that my ex is having an affair with used to be his ex-wife's best friend before she married my ex, and when they got divorced this mutual friend stayed friends with my ex and stopped talking to his ex-wife. WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT PICTURE? I talk to his ex-wife and she knows what is going on with her, and she told me that she asked this girl why she would really want to be with him after knowing what he's done to me and her in the past, and she says she can't help it, she's falling in love with him, but she doesn't want to leave her boyfriend of 16 years. I feel like I'm stuck in a soap opera. Anyway, hopefully I can get a few friends together to help me move my stuff and get the heck out of here. I know it's going to be hard once I leave, but it can't be any worse than this.

Deedee

So glad to know that you are not babysitting his son, or cooking, or cleaning for him, (((Deedee))) - shows that you still have a pretty solid core of self-respect there. As for the rest, you really are on a dysfunctional "musical mates" amusement park ride! You have got to get off that ride and out of the park as fast as you can. Frankly, I don't think it's going to be that hard for you once you leave and are finally away from all that chaos, confusion, drama, and dysfunction - you might even feel that peace and quiet are boring after that experience, but you'll adjust in time - just don't allow yourself to be drawn back into their or anyone else's mess. Please keep posting.

Deedee your a very nice person. You will get a man who will treat you the way you should be treated. From your last post it seems like that girl was just waiting for an opening for him.

Hope you are feeling better....See if you or him can buy the other share of the home....I really suggest you to do that if you can....If even you can borrow some money and kick him out....He's such a loser....You are better off without him....and honesty, I don't think the other woman would leave 16 years of her relationship behind....such a people are out there....
I will pray for you to get strong and move on.....I'm sure good things will happen to you very soon my friend

Hi,
i just broke up with my boyfriend about a month ago. i have also stop all communication with him through out that time. yesterday i got a call from him. i was very surprised and shocked. he asked me out for breakfast. he also invited me out this weekend for a trip to a theme park. im so excited. i have read your book the magic of making up. i have been doing everything that it says. i really want my ex back.

one reason that he told me he wanted to break up is that i have not been taking care of the way i look and my dressing. i have changed my ways and today for breakfast i even put on some makeup because he likes seeing me wearing makeup. however, i felt like he did not notice any of it. he walked so far away from me when we wanted to cross the road. i don't know if its a good sign or not. I'm really confused!! i want to let go but i cant.. i miss him so much!

Hi everyone,

I just want you all to know that I will be moving my stuff out today and tomorrow, and he'll be staying at the house until the house sells and then will be moving into his own place. Last night was the worst night since all this started. The whole finality of it all has set in and as much as I want this to be over, it just breaks my heart to know that the chapter has ended, and to see how easy it is for him and how it is for me pisses me off. It hurts sooo bad. I went to the doctor's today though and got a note to be out sick until 10/6, so that will give me time to move my stuff out and settle into my new place without having to worry about getting work done. I will not be getting internet hooked up to my new place until maybe the third week of October so I won't be able to communicate from my computer at home, but if I have a chance to use someone elses computer I can log on and keep everyone updated. Please post me as much as you can. I need as much encouragement and words of wisdom as I can, now more than ever. I have just been so stuck on my losing everything and him having this affair that I can't see the good in all of what is to come from ending it all.
I want to hate him, but I still love him with every fiber of my being and I get so mad at myself for feeling that way, but I think that once I'm away from him for a while and I do see him every day, I will start to remember the bad things about him and everything that he's done to me, and then maybe I will get to that angry state, but until then please help me get through this.

Thanks again.

Deedee

Deedee we will be here for you.

I do think once you get settled in that you will start feeling better. Once you start getting over him, you will see him for what he is. After that you will say, I'm so glad I left him. Try to stay busy, and if you can go out and try to have some fun.

Not to worry, (((Deedee))) - we'll all be right here waiting to hear from you and support you through this. I think what you really love is the idea of a loving relationship. As I said before, right now your EX is in your line of sight - your mind sees him as the physical representation of your heart's desire. Once you are in your new place, it will be easier for you to make the distinction between the two. As you said much earlier on, there are many things that you want in life that you had to sacrifice to be with him - that's just not right, Deedee. You shouldn't have to reinvent yourself just to be with this or any other man. I'm glad you were able to take off work during this time - you will be able to get things moved and focus on getting settled in and starting this new chapter of your life much faster. Please let us know how you are getting on whenever you have the opportunity.

Hi everyone,

I was at my mom's paying bills on line, so I had a chance to send you all an update.
I moved out Thursday, and am pretty much settled in. All I need now is my phone co. to come and put on my phone and internet. I feel better having a place of my own and not having to see him everyday, but even since I left I can't seem to stay away from the drama with him and the other woman. When I moved in Thursday, I was driving up my street, and who was standing there with her dog, getting in my ex's car, but the other woman. That is the only down side about living so close to her, but I'm not going to put my head down in shame. I would have like to run her over with my car, but I didn't.

Than lastnight I was putting my summer clothes away out of my drawers to make room for my winter clothes, and what do I find in my shirt draw, but a pair of underwear that were not mine. How they got there I don't know, but either she put them there and was in my house without me knowing, or he washed the clothes, and the dumb ${s put them in my drawer. It's just a constant reminder of the affair. I would have loved to mail them to her boyfriend and tell them where I found them but they'll get caught sooner or later without my help. I just thing the whole thing is bogus.

Anyway please continue to write and pray for me. I will write again as soon as I get my internet running.

Thanks,

Deedee

((((((((((((Deedee)))))))) Lots of hugs for you.