I saw him with the other girl and he told me he's dating her....

I broke all the promises I made to myself and I went to my dance class....there it is...he's coming to the class late with that girl....
I felt my heart is getting ripped off....but I didn't have a choice rather than accepting it....
She was so plain, so simple, no curve, nothing....with a flat chest....with per of glasses! ( I didn't have anything against of her or him!)
but I was upset, thinking that I'm still thinking about him and not moving on...while he's totally happy with the new girl....I don't think he was into her at all....no spark between them....nothing....
I know I didn't persuade him and I know I wanted him to be out of my life although I let him to get the charge of dumping me in a worse scenario ever....(not calling me at all)....I know all because I was afraid to catch his STD!!!! and thank god, I've been tested and I'm clean....
But what is this attachment? why am I so upset? why am I missing him? why I can't go out with other guys?
well...yesterday, I put an effort and I return one guys' phone call after couple of days....I think that's a good start....
I can't stop myself being sad and desperate....not sure, what to do really? how can I get rid of my neediness and my sadness....can't remember when was the last time, I was really happy....I know everybody tells me to choose happiness....but how? how can I get rid of all these negative thoughts and sadness? how? is there anybody out there who has done it and can show me the way?
I hate the fact that I can't concentrate.....I'm so smart, but I'm losing my focus every day more and more....it's like falling down the drain...
thanks for reading my thread.....
Marjan

Marjan,

I really don't have any words of wisdom, but I do understand about the attachment to another person. I think it's good that you are reaching out to others. I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone.

((((((((((((((((Marjan))))))))))))))))))))))))

Wow. It's bad enough he's going to class with someone else, but she has to be "so plain, so simple, no curve, nothing...with a flat chest, with a pair of glasses!" Speaking as someone who sees someone like that every time I look in the mirror, you have my sympathy.

Well I think you just need to push yourself harder to move on. I think it was good to call that other guy. Maybe try to just go out by yourself or with other girlfriends.

Marjan, forgive me if you mentioned this in other threads, just wondering if you are seeing a counselor and taking an antidepressant. Both would probably help.

(((((hugs)))))

I don't want to take antidepressant pills....I'm sure I will get better....I have to find away to move on....not understanding why I'm taking it so serious and keep letting stuff to hurt me....He's not worth it at all and I know that....
but I think I need to go to the counselor.....

Hi Marjan,
you and I have talked before about your feelings. I think it's very normal to feel sad and messed up after ending a relationship. It's takes time to heal and go through the emotions. I think it's kind of inconsiderate that he brought her to dance class - but men are famous for jumping into new relationships too quickly. Just because he's with her doesn't mean he's happy - rebound relationships rarely work.
People forget that when a relationship ends sometimes people go through a mourning stage. It's okay to feel the sadness, just don't let it consume you. Try to learn how to be happy with out any man and heal yourself before dating again. As women we're more emotional so it's not surprising that you don't feel desire to meet someone new. How can you- until you heal yourself!
If I were you and he brings her again - I would smile and go over and introduce myself. He would be stunned because he hoping to bother you and get a negative reaction. She's not your enemy - she'll be in your shoes soon LOL. Take care of yourself.

Marjan, I'm sorry for what you are going through... No offense in this intended but it was kind of harsh when you talked about how plain her appearance is. Looks are not everything, not even close. The world puts was too much into appearance lately and it's upsetting me. I'm a fairly attractive woman but let me tell you I HATE it. People think because of my looks my life is perfect. I also get into trouble for my face all of the time... Try not to put too much emphasis on her looks, she may be a wonderful person!

One day this pain will start to go away. Eventually you will be less confused and you will move on. Reaching out is a very brave and strong step and I wish you the best of luck!!!

(((((((((((marjan)))))))))

Thanks Lynnn....

The thing is that I don't want to get back to him at all...I told him before, that I don't see future with him....He's so selfish and mean to everybody...besides, he has a STD that I don't want to catch at all....
I might felt love for him, but thinking about long term relationship with him was a no no!!!
Well...He knows that....He waited...but I don't want that kind of relationship to share my guy with tons of other women...no...and being afraid each time that I have s.. with him to catch his disease....I've been tested and I'm clean....I don't want to put myself in trouble....I think I should have said "NO" to him at very beginning when he told me about his STD....I was just so in to him and my doctor told me I can protect myself...but interesting, yesterday one of my girlfriend told me that her friend got this STD even while they were using condoms....then I thought God was with me to get rid of him....
I don't have anything against of that poor girl....I wanted to go and talk to her and tell her to be very careful, because he can move very quickly and she can be left out with an incurable disease! I kinda feel even obligated to tell her....but then I am so tired of the whole drama that I want to stay away....It's not really my business, they are adult....
Past few days I was so tired...I think I have lack of Iron and B12....I'm going to get tested today....I think my sleep problems, mood changes and body aches are all because of Iron and B12 deficiency....I had very low Iron and B12 last year and my doctor puts me on pills, I had to go get tested, but I didn't....
I want my old me back to me....and I hope it will....
In term of getting into another relationship right now, it's a no no for me...I need to heal and I'm going to do that....I hate to jump from one relationship to the other...It doesn't work....besides, I don't see anybody that I felt connected with....hope one day....

thanks everybody again
with love
Marjan

I think you took it wrong, there is nothing wrong with being plain and simple and wearing glasses....I just mentioned it that she was different look than me....and that's amused me...I'm sure the girl is such a good person, because that's how he's using his victims!!!!
He is a player and nothing will stop his game...I'm better off without him and his drama....

in Marjan's defense - I think she is angry right now and feeling upset and replaced. I agree that we shouldn't compare/judge ourselves or others appearance - I wonder why as women, do we always judge the new wife or new girlfriend - I think we do it to make ourselves feel better.
I agree with Kris9999 - looks aren't relevent and personality is more important. That's why I suggested to Marjan that this new girlfriend isn't her enemy or competition and to smile and say 'hi'. He in a rebound relationship and usually they're not successful longterm anyway.
I think Marjan has been struggling a while with this guy and she should gradually come to peace with the idea of breaking up and each one moving on. I think as women we need to support each other more and not vilify the 'new girlfriends' or 'new wife'. After all any one of us might end up being the "new woman" on the block - right?
Thanks Khris for helping us see the middle ground here. We don't want to get out of hand and hurt each other. Lets understand and support one another.

thanks my dear for your reply....

I didn't say that she wasn't pretty or a bad person....I don't know her....
all I was going to say was that It looks like "look" doesn't matter to guys...that's how I'm analyzing myself and my relationship....I always blame myself in relationships....not that Aaron was a good person for me, but in general, I'm not doing right in any relationships....guys are getting attracted to me, but then they leave me...well...most likely because I don't behave well....
At least I'm aware of this...each time, I tell myself in the next relationship I will do better, but then it's like a close cycle, I do what I used to do...that's why I'm petrified to get into a new one....I'm afraid to stay alone for rest of my life....

Thanks again for your support
Marjan

Wow this post is moving fast because I wrote a reply to Kris's post and now here's yours. I 'm glad you're realizing that he's not for you and you deserve better - that's a good way to think. It's also wonderful that you recognize you need to take care of yourself from all this stress. Thanks for also clarifying what you meant, when talking about the ladies appearance.
All you can do is hope that she's smart like you and see him for the player he is. Take this opportunity to reflect on yourself and take extra care of you. I suspect you're going to feel much better without him very soon.

Yes....I accept that jealousy has ruined my relationship, but I accept that I don't want this guy in my life....He's a waste of time....As time is passing, I'm healing....I think loneliness is more of pressure on me than not having him in my life....

I was hoping by posting this thread, I get some advise from you guys....

Everybody is telling me to move on....well...I don't have choice rather than moving on....and I'm half way there....but my question to you, my friend, is that how to understand and learn here from my mistakes....I don't want to get into another relationship and being sad like this....

I need more specification what to do.....I need "HOPE"...

I want to learn how to get rid of my jealousy....I do meditate on it, but still I'm jealous when I see him with somebody else....I want to work on this part....I need your help to tell me what you are doing to achieve not being jealous....what one can do to not be jealous in a relationship? I have to point out that I'm not a jealous person in general....I just have problem when it gets to a romantic relationship....How can I act more cool when I really like the guy? how? I need to know....I think when I like somebody, I'm so afraid of losing him that I help more to lose him and get hurt! How do I avoid all these? please help me.....

thanks
Marjan

I think you're asking alot of important questions, especially on how break old patterns so you don't end up in the same position. Some people never manage to get to the root of why their relationships aren't successful. If we knew the answers then more of us would be happier LOL. I was wondering if you see a therapist at all - it may be worth exploring.
Regarding feeling jealous of your exes new GF - I think it's all to new and it's normal to feel jealous. You obviously realize he was player and the more this sinks in - your jealousy will lessen with time. It's tempting to feel envious and think they're so happy but since you know he's a handful then I kinda feel sorry for her really.
How to avoid this in the future. I think jealously comes in 2 forms - where the guy gives the woman legitimate reasons to be jealous and when the guy is innocent and the woman is insecure. It could also be a combination of the 2. So you would need to determine does your jealously come from picking untrustworthy men or does it come from feeling insecure or both.
There's an interesting concept - that some people choose partners, who share the same negative traits of one of their parents who they had issues with growing up. So my question is- did you perhaps see your mom is unhappy relationships or was your father untrustworthy in relation to your mom? The theory behind this principle is we subconscously choose a partner with neg. traits of our parent - so we can deal with unresolved issues of the past.
I don't know if this applies to you or not? I think it's a healthy step in the right direction to think about, how to break this pattern. I know you feel lonely right now. I feel it's important to learn how to cope with being alone and being happy with yourself, without a man. When we feel completely happy with ourselves we're less likely to appear needy in relationships and we can also be more discerning in who we choose. Best of luck.

This is so, so true. You know I have trust issues, and I can't say that I will over come all of that. I know that a lot comes from my childhood. So, it is easy for me to get jealous. The bf I have now, he doesn't really so much make me jealous. Thank GOD

Marjan, all I can say is that I know these feelings so well. You know my ex-husband cheated on me, and left me. I was jealous because I wanted his love. I think the thing that got me was that he just moved on so quick, and Marjan maybe you feel this too. I know it sucks when you want a man to love you, and he doesn't. It will get better over time.

Thanks Lynn....
My parents had never trust issues or jealousy...they have been faithful to each other always....
I think my jealousy specially in this case was more true....My jealousy was not coming from insecurity, it was more coming from trust issue....I could not trust him since he told me he's been with so many girls and at the same time that he had me, he was flirting with so many other girls, adding them to his facebook, texting them, dancing with them....and lots of other things....ya...I didn't feel secure in such a relationship....probably, the jealousy was from both kind that you maintained before (both from insecurity and him making me jealous)....
Honesty, I don't feel jealous about the girl....Actually, I kind of developing sympathy towards her....Last Thursday, when I saw the girl looking at him being worry and him giving me more attention, I felt bad, that's why I left the class....I don't want to be part of his ugly childish game....I was like that girl before sitting in the corner waiting for him to come towards me....and him giving me attitude....NOOOOOOO....I don't want that at all....
Yes, it's hurtful seeing how quickly he moved on, but whatever....as time passes, I'm getting better....Yesterday, I found out, I'm laughing and smiling again....It felt like My real me is coming back....
I used to see Therapist, but not anymore....I might see one....just I don't have that much time....I read lots of self-help book....and I go to temple, and talk to my spiritual teachers....they help me a lot....I meditate at least once a day.....
I do agree with you that I have to find happiness within myself....Also, I want to be stronger person....I want to exercise more and stay positive and strong...
thanks for your help
Marjan

wow....Michele....I'm so sorry for you....It should be so hard to go through such a thing....but it's good that you have Jerry now....

Thanks for the reply Marjan. I'm glad your issues aren't related to your past. Maybe even though you knew how your ex BF was, perhaps you thought he would change or settle down. I'm happy you're feeling alot better and glad you have comfort and good coping skills. He's not a nice person and you deserve better!

Thanks Lynn for helping me here....

Ya....I struggled being obsess with him for awhile....and now, I just gave up....and honesty, I think my eyes are open now and I can see the situation better....I think I was wishing he will be the one to end up my search to find a guy...and I was hoping and wishing....but he's not the one....
I even got very strong today and I deleted his phone number from my cellphone....wow...that was very big step....I don't have his number written anywhere!!!! I'm going to delete him from my facebook...He's not a friend anymore so, he shouldn't have stay under my facebook friend's list too....
He's creating so much delusion for me and stopping me from getting involved with a good guy....
I signed up for a dating site yesterday and I want to enjoy my time and go out and date....hope this time, I learn from all the drama I went through, and I choose a right person and things go well....
Since yesterday, I feel lighter and I smile at people and feel relaxed....
Thanks again....I'm sure very soon I need your help again....

with love
Marjan

[quote=marjan;1133521]Thanks Lynn for helping me here....

I'm sure very soon I need your help again....


I hope one day you won't need anyone's help because you'll be so busy being HAPPY YOU GO GIRL!!!

[quote=lynn P.;1133603]
Thanks Lynn...I hope so too....I'm praying to get stronger and deal with day to day life.....It looks like I'm supper sensitive and all these sensitivity is ruining my relationships....these days I'm smiling more and I can see more people look at me....and I smile them back....
I signed up for a dating site...It's kinda disappointing sometimes when I see very older guys are emailing me (like over 20 years older)....but last night, I chat with couple of guys....It's just a little bit difficult for me to trust these people....not sure what to do?
for example, one guy has written in his profile that he knows so many languages. He wrote he knows around 7 or 8 languages including my mother language.....I thought he's joking, and I start chatting with him....then I found out he can speak my language and he told me he was born in my country....strange....then all of a sudden he asked me what I do this weekend and I told him that I'm busy....he said he wants to invite me for BBQ at his home on Saturday night....I said "Woha!"....Honesty, I was scared of him....He doesn't know me at all, he wants to invite me to his home....that was freaky....and these was after me giving him my phone number....I hope he's not a freak!!!!
I want to put some good effort to find a partner....same thing that guys do...they go out with so many girls and then they choose....
I hope I learn from my past relationships and I don't get too attached or jealous or intense, then I can have somebody in my life.....
Thanks again for your help
Marjan