can your ex become your friend?

I don't think I do love him anymore.. I don't feel indifference as such.. and not quite hate but I think that the person I loved left a long time ago...
I love what he used to be not this stranger that he has become..
Don't even know if that makes sense.

I was really good until now all the doubts are coming back.... when dd it actually start etc...I know it makes no difference now bt I'm not good with unanswered questions really.

I'm so sorry you're hurting - all I can say is I know exactly how you feel. At least now you have an answer to the ambiguous statement of "I'm not in love with you anymore". I can never understand why a woman would want a man who's married. I would NEVER want to hurt my own gender like that. Pardon me for saying this, but I hate women/men like this. It's going to be rough going for you for a while and you're going to feel very angry sometimes- you might even feel HATE. I know I did. I suggest you go into therapy on your own and start the healing process. I don't believe their relationship will last long because rebound relationships never do. He needs to heal his own dysfunction before he can meet someone else. If he cheated on you, he'll cheat on her or she will. I do understand your statement of loving who he used to be. I wish you all the strength in this difficult time

I had a good night. A friend came and stayed so that I wasn't alone - now this morning while everyone is still asleep I am hurting again.
I spoke with Mark yesterday and l so want to believe that he has only been with her a short time. I checked a few things and I do thik that the only ready started 'seeing' each other after we were properly broken up and I am sre he didn't sleep with her prior to the one day that we slept together.

What I am struggling with right now is the fact that she has just 'replaced' me so qickly..that she's up in my house, 'playing house' with him...cooking him meals, cuddling on the couch an sleeping holding him... THAT WAS MY LIFE.

If they have only been having an emotional affair since he told me and now in a 'commited' relationship for the past 10 days how can it be love?
Half of me thinks that hes been trying so hard to find the love for me that in the end he has set a goal to prove to himself that he can love - and she was a willing person to do it with.

Am I fooling myself in thinking that it only started after we broke up? There is no reason to believe oterwise other than the fact he says he loves her....

Do people realy falling in love over two weeks?

He might tell you he loves her, but I don't believe it. I also think that he still loves you. Something went wrong in your marriage, and he decided to cheat. It's not your fault. What he should have done was bring his needs to your attention, and try to work it out with you. I know that it's hurting you really bad the fact that he keeps telling you that he loves her. I know it's hard, but you need to let him be. He knows that he's hurting you. I really think that you should leave him alone, because he needs to know that your not going to put up with his bs. He's really being a jerk. I think he has some nerve even bringing that woman into your house that you have shared with your husband. You might want to consider therapy if your not in therapy. If he came back to you now, your still need to work out the hurt. This is one of those things that is going to leave a scar. Your never going to forget it. Either way the damage is done, and your still going to need to get over the hurt, and it's not going to happen over night. Believe me when I tell you it's not your fault. Don't let him tell you it's your fault either. You deserve better then this.

Thanks JM

I needed to hear that. I am tryng so hard to be happy and not think about it but maybe I actally need to cry...it's my 30th Birthday today...what a horrible way to spend it. I am going out this evening but the day is looking like it's going to be very long.
He does know he's hurting me - says he never wanted to. I see it as cheating because still have feelings for him. He see's it as well it was all over and he took te relationship with her to the next level.... I'd like to believe that it's not love but who knows.
He still insists he wants to be friends.. what a F***ed up concept that is. It just makes me more clingy and needy. Have to stay amicable until the house setttlement is resolved... I'm not dragging it out it's just so hard to get things done quickly coming up to Christmas.

With her in the house... it's like he just replaced me so easily.. that sucks but I know that I am a better person than he will ever be.

I am in therapy... but the next appointment is so far away (16th).

When I spoke with him yesterday he made comments of how our relationship was wrong (from his POV) - he says he was to selfish, that when he knew I was feeling unhappy he should have done something about it rather than just cheer me up.. I wouldn't have said I was unhappy... but yes I would have liked to socialize mor but never pushed him on the issue.. Like he said I never asked for anything... my goal was always his happiness..
Nice to see that all my hardwork etc is going to pay of with the new girl... He's doing what ever she wants rather than being stubborn about it..

Interest rates have increased here .37%.... have emailed him this morning to tell him that he will need to start putting more money into the account. He has agreed to continue to pay the mortgage until it's all settled and in my name alone. I am going to rent the house.
he has completely ruined any GOOD memories and the fun that we had in buying and living in the house by bringing her into that world which was once ours....

First off, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY"

I really think the minute your husband really thinks it's over with, he's going to want to come back. Then it will be your call. I know as hard as it is for you right now your handling it rather well. This happened to me with my ex. A little different, but similar in so many ways. He was cheating on me, but he tried to make his own @$$ feel good, and tell me he wasn't cheating when he was still involved with me. Just like your husband is doing to you. It's like they want you, but don't want you. And than there is the other woman. In my case I finally decided to end all contact with him, and when I did, the idiot wanted me back. By then it was to late for me. If you can try to be around friends and family a lot. Just try and have fun. I know it's hard, but give yourself some happy time, and keep looking out for what you need.

Thank you for the birthday wishes

I don't think that he will want me back. I think he trully believes that he loves this new woman.... If his feelings for me could just suddenly end I guess it's possible he fell in true love with someone else. My heart says not possible but my gut says who knows...

I cannot have the hope that we will someday get back together - not even if with all my heart it's what I would like. My rational side says that I would be an insecure mess if we did ever reconcile. It would take a lot of therapy to earn the trust back I think. He would have to move heaven and earth to be able to come back to me.

I move forward with an angry thought - That the relationship with her really doesn't work out and ends as quickly as it started, so he knows what it feels to be so lonely and sad and messed up. Nasty I know but I guess a little anger isn't sch a bad thing some of the time even tho it's not in my nature.

Love to everyone who has replied with advice and a kind listening ear.

Hey Belle, I can kinda relate right now, my ex and I have recently moved back in together for the kids sake and as far as rekindling a friendship, well, I don't think so. We can hardly stand each other at all. The only reason we haven't ripped each other's throats out is because of the kids... that's it.

As far as your situation, be careful of his motives. There's a past situation there and an emotional connection, those things can lead to nothing but trouble if you ask me.

there is a reason why they are called an EX.... take care of YOU and you only.... hate to sound so final, but he left and said he didnt love you anymore, you are worth more than that, move on and be kind to yourself, peace and love

I am feeling cheerful... and how strange it feels LOL I hope it lasts through out the night!

I know enough that I will move forward and my life will be better. The hard part of course is that I still care for him.

He did what I think of as a strange girly thing - asked if he can keep the photo of us that used to sit on his bedside table.... I said ok but I'd like a copy of it too.
I know that females are sentimental about that sort of stuff but I never expected him to be, especially seeing he's 'inlove' with another now. I don't think I could be that girl...not if he's keeping momento's...but then maybe I'm just strange

Off to have a birthday dinner and plan to enjoy myself no matter what is going on in my life right now!

I just wanted to add a little about last night.

I had a pretty good time considering, the dinner was lovely and the company as well. They are great people and would move heaven and earth to see me happy again.

Kept the 'sad' conversation to a minimum. and just talked about what fun we used to have together (we had all worked together where Mark works - which is where we all met).

I came home and the one person that I am in close contact with at Mark's work called (it was their work christmas function last night).. He just wanted to make sure I was alright. He had told Mark that he knew what was going on, Mark did know that Tom was helping me and making sure I was ok.... Mark had asked Tom last night to call me later and just see if I was alright. How does he have the right to still care that much to ask someone to make sure I'm ok?

No sense to it all - just plain wierd ths whole thing.

I am going to join some sort of club/gym/yoga something just to wden my circle of friends and also to make me feel human again. Hard around this time of the year as everyone is finishing up until the new year..

Here I go being a wet blanket, but perhaps his "concern" is merely a guilty conscious. I have known men (and women for that matter) that do what they want, but they don't want to feel like they're the bad guy.

They really believe that the person in the relationship doesn't understand/know them so they're free to find their happiness somewhere else, leaving the relationship partner in the dark. Once they find what they think they're looking for the cut old faithful loose. BUT, they're nice about it, because if they just did it the open and honest way, it would be painfully obvious what a heel they really are.

When you first posted about what you walked in on, I suspected how this would turn out. I've known four women and two men that have gotten a variation of the line he fed you. I can even give you the line he'll give her if she ever discovers what happened "oh she was in a bad place, I just felt so sorry for her. I didn't want to sleep with her, but she just wouldn't take no for an answer, what was I supposed to do?" (One of the women that was running this scheme ended up getting preggers by the husband on her farewell fling and ended up losing the husband she was leaving and the man she was leaving him for).

Until you confronted him about this new relationship, he had a foot on each side of the river. So now he's Ms. Newandexciting's problem, and he's already played her foul and they're still in the honeymoon phase of their relationship. What is he going to do when she gets boring?

Break ups really hurt, and they hurt for a long time, especially when someone has been blindsided the way you were. But in time you will realize the best thing he ever did for you was leave.

So now he's Ms. Newandexciting's problem, and he's already played her foul and they're still in the honeymoon phase of their relationship. What is he going to do when she gets boring?

LOL AAAAA - that's a good one "now he's Newandexciting's problem'. You're right, it won't last for long now they're not sneaking around -not exciting any more .

I think that's good that you want to join a fitness gym. I just joined one a few weeks ago, and it really helps with stress.
Big hugs to you.

Hi all,

I have investigated the claims that he made.. right down to phone records, bank statements along with people at his work.

He only started dating her on the 17th of November - a dinner is all it was. This was well and trully after he had ended it with me.

I have hard proof of this and it's what I needed to be able to move on. It's a relief to tell the truth. To know that the man I once loved is as honarable as I thought he was.

He came over today and supplied me with the bank stff (which I had alreasy go from the internet anyway) I needed along with a time line of when it happened.

He cares a great deal for me - lke he said it was a wonderful 5 years, the only 5 year relationship he has ever had, with a woman he loved.

I have no answer to 'falling out of love' it jst happened. Yes I think we could have tried harder to save it (he could have anyway) but that doesn't change anything now.

I can move on knowing that I didn't misjudge his character, what he felt for me and have no regrets to the time spent with each other.

As for his new missus.... Time will tell. He thinks he loves her and if he does good luck to them both. Personally I have a feeling it wont last.

Little update... Yesterday I talked on and off with him all day.... felt fantasic while we are talking but NOT GOOD later in the evening..
Today i actually emiled him and told him EXACTLY hw I was feeling... That I hated what he had done, that he should have tried harder to save our relationship, that most people get 'crushes' on people even when they are in a relationship..at least I have but I stayed away from the person and when home to the one I loved and tried harder to make everything perfect.
That I can't believe that he has done this to me and that he doesn't deserve to be happy with her when I'm struggling to just put one foot in front of the other...
Called it "my little rant" and that's what it was. Sick to death of 'playing' friends and putting on a good face and accepting everything.
He rang about 1 minute after I sent te email.. I rejected the call....so he txt "can we talk".. I wasn't going to reply but guess I felt guilty or something because about an hour later I text back "no we can't at the moment"..He sent back "okay when ever you are ready. I just wanted to see how you were doing, it wasn't about anthing specific"
I felt strong..was on the way to the doctors to talk about antidepressants..
He has put me on Lexapro...
The other change I am making is to not contact Mark. As good as it feels when we are talking he's still going back to MY house and sleeping with his new 'LOVE' (vomit!) and doesn't deserve to have anything to do with me or deserve to know anything about me anymore...

I was a wreck today.. and tomorrow the same thing will probably happen but at least I know that I can do what I want.. am making my own decisions...and it feels good.

I think that you are doing the right thing.

Hi Belle,

Good to see that you changed your nick.
I agree with jerrymichele...let it go. Most of your messages show how much you are still emotionally attached to him and I think it is not really helping you to move on.
You are not alone. I have been in similar situation with my ex few years ago.

Take care,
John

Thank you both so much.
He emailed me again today.. asking how I was blah blah... I let it rip again.. Felt good.
In the end I have told him to ease back, that I can't talk to him, that it hurts etc... He doesn't want to he says but will if that's what I 'really' want...
Not it not what I want but it has to be this way.

Feeling in a good place right now!

John, if you don't mind me asking, did it work out in the end? Were you able to move on and did you try to stay friends?

Once again, Thank you both so much, it means the world to me!

Yes, I was able to move on.
No, I didn't try to stay friends. She wanted to stay friends but I had no interest in that.

Hi again,

So much for easing back.... He asked to see me yesterday - I had the seperation papers that he needs to sign etc and was just going to leave them at the house when I knew he was going to be there - but he asked me to drop them by yesterday.

We talked like it was al normal I explained where he should sign etc... Then of course it always goes back to relationship questions.

He said that he should have tried harder to save what we had, doesn't know if it would have made a diffreence but that he should have tried. I asked if he thought that his 'love' for Lisa was was just that he was trying so hard to love me... He said 'honestly, I just don't know'...I said I was confused by that and he said 'so am I'...

Ended the conversation out by my car.. he gave me a long hug and a kiss on the cheek and we just talked about other stuff for a bit...

YEP got me all confused again... So I feel crappy.

He's sleeping with someone else.. why can't I get that through my head??????
He doesn't want me no matter what words come out of his mouth....

I've been on the Lexapro for 4 days now and it's making me feel really ill... doctor told me it would for the first week - not to mention that each day I seem to be shedding weight (I was a healthy 51kgs before all of this, now down to 44.5kgs) I eat and it just makes me feel sicker but I know that I have too....

New meds can make you feel sick. keep taking them, and the side effects will go away.
I think that you should still give him the papers to sign. Your husband needs to know that you are not going to settle for his behavior. There are a lot of people who seperate and end up back together. What your husband should have did was try to work on the relationship with you. He was probably thinking that the grass is greener on the other side. If you two do get back together, your going to need to forgive him for the affair. Your a really nice girl. You do not deserve to be treated the way he has been treating you.

I Hhave left the papers with him... Told him I need them back by Tuesday at the latest as I want to have them filed with the courts before Christmas. Until I get the court order I can't re-finance the house in solely my name.... So it's in his best interests to get it done ASAP..

I txt him yesterday... Saying that I can't talk to him, see him, email him or txt him while he is still with her... I added that I know he will regret his decision one day and that I just hope it's not too late.

Honestly I don't think I could take him back, he's hurt me too deeply and I would me an insecure mess if we got back together... If he could do this once then what's to say it wouldn't happen again and again...

The *****y side of me wants him to have regrets... come to me and me to turn him down... But I think that after the pain he has put me through e would have the guts to tell me that he waned it anyway...

Thanks JM for the kind words

I think the meds aren't the sole cause of the feeling sick... I weighed my self this morning and I'm down to 43kgs.... at 5'2"..

I am eating but it's not making any difference!

Woke up this morning and for the first time i didn't think of him... how's that for progress I thought.... until later in the day when everything turned black again... but up there in a grey sort of area now...

Still haven't gotten the papers from him GRRRRRR... He's moving on Friday (packing his stuff on Thursday I assume as he has both days off I'm told).. I'm the one that told him to be out by then so why does it hurt that he's actually going... who knows..

The anit-depressants seems to be working at keepng my moods a bit more consistent... and have shrink appt tomorrow afternoon..

Talked with a friend today.. he's been through this before and his new GF is a shrink (didn't meet in a session tho LOL)... What she thinks is that mark is in denial... that he's using Lisa much like I am using the anti-depressants... until it al goes sour he wont realise what he's done or have any REAL regrets.. I want him to hurt.. sounds horrible but I want him to feel my pain!

I came to the conclusion today that I don't want him back not now and not ever... First time I think I've had that thought and meant it (99.9% anyway )

They say that he will want me back when it all fizzles out with her.. but really who knows.. My future doesn't include him anymore not even as a friend I don't think.

It's only been 3 days since I stopped communication with him - feels like a life time!

Thanks for listening..reading what ever ...

Any additional insight would be appreciated!

I think it's perfectly normal to want him to go through the pain that you are going through. A separation/divorce is suppose to be painful for both sides.