Close to giving up the legal battle

I honestly don't think I can keep this up. I feel like I'm letting down everyone who's supported me the past 2-1/2 months, letting down every woman who hasn't had the courage to stand up for herself.

I'm tired.

Tired of being told that I don't and can't teach my kids.

Tired of being told I only expose them to life's fun.

Tired of being told if I continue this custody fight, I will lose, that my lawyer is not being truthful in telling me the inevitable outcome.

Tired of having my emotions used against me.

Tired of his Vulcan-like lack of emotions and thinking that logic will always prevail.

I'm tired of him putting a guilt trip on me, asking if I want the kids to remember this as a summer of fun or one of parental mudslinging that they can't understand.

If I answer his line of questions, yes, I am less structured, I am less of a disciplinarian, I don't understand middle school math (or anything beyond the basics), I do act first and think later. Does that mean I'm an unfit mother and if I continue to try and get more than 50% time with my kids that they will be taken away from me? I guess it does, in his line of thinking.

I'm scared.

Scared that he's right.

Scared that I'll lose my kids.

Scared that I'll get myself too deep in debt to recover.

Scared that every negative thing he's said about me is true.

Because I couldn't be his unwavering cheerleader, his chameleon, because I couldn't fake a perfect marriage, couldn't fathom his beliefs, because I'm not someone he would be friends with now, I'm a person to be ground into the dirt, someone to defeat like one of his political viewpoint foes.

I don't understand. I can't understand.

If I drop the fight, it will be one more thing he can say I never finished. It will reinforce his belief that if he exerts enough pressure I will crumble. If I drop the fight, my daughter will have to continue to live with a father she is afraid of and dislikes more and more every day. I will lose a little bit more of my dignity. I will be saying "you were right and I was wrong" again.

If I keep up the fight, I might lose everything.

Wi_Fighter,

I understand those feelings!!! But You have to stand up for you!!!!! If you back down now, you will give him what he wants.... to control you!

You have to stand for something or you will fall for anything!!!!

My grandmother used to tell me:
" Melissa it is always better to have tried and failed, then to have never tried at all!!!"

Believe it or not she was right! How are you ever going to know, if you don't try?

Not griping at you, just would hate for you to give up now!

((((((hugs)))))))))

((((((((((((((((((Shirley))))))))))))))))))))

I am so sorry your going through this. My question to you is, Why should you be the one to retreat? Why cant he give a little bit and compromise? Your a strong women. A mother. You must first do what you feel is in the best interest for those children because they are the # 1 priority.

Your feelings of being exhausted and scared are so normal. I remember going through a similar experience with my ex husband and it is no fun. You have to remember the bottom line. Your children. Their needs. Also, you must start a life seperate from your ex now. Be strong, stand on your own two feet and have the courage to say....No....This is Shirley and these are my children and I will fight tooth and nail for them.

You are doing the right thing hun. You really are. I know its hard to see when your in the thick of it. I am here for you if you need to vent anymore at anytime. Take care and Much love.


Jen

for you and children..........pat

But this fight is about the kids - custody and placement. It's about his kid's needs coming before his wants. It's about him being accountable for a change. It's about having things in writing instead of a verbal agreement that can be "forgotten" when it's no longer in his best interests.

I can't wrap my head around this. He'll say my finances aren't his concern and asking for child support is ridiculous, and then points out all of his income and expenses to me. Everything is a double standard.

I don't want to lose my kids. I don't want them in the middle any more. But I don't want to back into the corner any more. I don't want to be on the defensive and always have to explain myself while nodding my head and agreeing with everything he says.

I want to figure out a way to reconcile things without me giving in to all of his demands, without him thinking he won, again.

You are right! It is about the kids....and what is best for them. You are their mom!

the main thing is, you have to keep your self safe.
Because he has told you so many times you cant finish things and that you cant make your own choices, you believe him. ( not that i blame you, I know how that is also)

I have faith in you, You can finish this!!!! You can make him see that you are worthy of doing things for you and your kids. You can make him see that he will not get his way!!!! I know you have it in you!
I believe!

Jen, what's in the best interest for the kids? I don't know anymore. It sure isn't spending their entire summer in lawyer's offices and courtrooms and being made to choose. It isn't their father telling them the winner will be the best liar.

Maybe it is a house with two adults, a man and a woman, and get togethers with friends and family, being told what to do and when and how and never questioning anything, having a hand raised with crazy eyes and gritted teeth to make you flinch and think you're going to be hit, and never knowing when or if you really will be. Maybe it is doing without the things a kid should be able to have so the grownups can have their fun instead.

Maybe I am fabricating things. Maybe things aren't as bad as my kids say they are sometimes. If they're playing one against the other, they're only hurting themselves this time because it's taking all the extra credit I have to sink into this fight instead of using it for other things. I just don't know anymore. I just don't know.

Shirl, sometimes we can't see the forest for the trees. i know how conflicted you are and i agree with you AND the posters who replied. it's a hard one.......much love and support is coming your way today.......xoxo pat

If you can get out of the legal battle I would highly recommend it. I went through one for seven years and it has left permanent scars that are deep. We lost our home paying for it and didn't have the choice of getting out (very complicated litigation). My pdoc has suggested that it is a larger part of my PTSD than I understand. Lawsuits are dangerous regardless of what they are over.

My heart goes out to you and I hope you can find a way to end this soon before it takes more of a toll on you. I understand what you are going through and it is tough. I'm really, really sorry that my post isn't more supportive, but I wanted to give you a little insight as to what legal battles can lead to. I would hate to see you end up where I am.

Take good care of yourself.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((huge hugz)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

********MAY TIGGER!!!!!!!************
wi,

I don't want to hi-jack your thread but i want to say something regarding your reply to jen.

My parents got divorced when I was 4. My mom remarried man who beat her and his kids, tried to kill her and sexuallly abused me. She finally left him. He came to our house one night and tried again to kill her. Then she married my step dad now! He has been good to her, but he abused us kids.
Picking us up off the floor by our hair, holding us by one arm whiles beating us, emotional,mentally physically abusing all three of us. He sexually abused me. Not sure about my sister. He told us we would never amount to anything that we would all be failures. That we are sorry excuses for humans.
So just because there is a two parent home, does not mean it is better for the kids! Having to live in a house where you are scared to make a mistake no matter how trival, is no way to live. I only wished my mom would have belived me when I told her!!!!

Sorry to get on my soap box....... stepping down now.

(((((((((((((((((((((((wi))))))))))))))))))))))) yes, i know you're tired. however, you must keep going on. i read about the child support thing. i was a legal asst. for five yrs. IF you could trust the man to keep his word, do you know that in my state, it's not up to the parent, it's up to the judge and the judge will more than likely order it no matter what a custodial parent says? don't trust that.

wi, your being exhausted, depressed and anxious all of the time is what's speaking right now. you MUST keep this fight...for your children. if it comes out that he gets them, then you'll know in your heart of hearts you faught with all claws out until the decision was made. also, knowing the legal field, i CANNOT see a judge doing anything more than joint custody. i really can't. there are always exceptions. however, it takes a major issue for a judge to remove custody from a mother...major issue like abuse, neglect, etc.

it may be that you get joint custody, but that again will be well worth the fight.

i know you're tired sweetie. take ten and regain those resources...you and your children are worth it!!!!!!!!!!1

you're in my prayers.

love,

kd

Kimmy, we have joint custody now, but until a few weeks ago he thought he was primary and had the right to call all the shots. Now he knows better, but he's still trying to call all the shots. He keeps insinuating that I'm not as capable of a parent as he is. The only thing remotely nice that he will say is "the kids love you, and I know you love the kids, and they need to spend time with you." I'm getting the feeling more and more that he only "lets" me see them because I am their birth mother, because he sure as hell doesn't think I provide anything else for them.

Wi_fighter,

I'm sorry this is such the p.i.t.a. battle. (pain in the @ss)

I've known women in your very situation expressing exactly what you are expressing and they continued the fight for their children.

Every single one of them (a few) finally got into court and their narcissistic ex husbands basically hung themselves to dry in front of the judges when they spoke. No amount of money for good lawyers can hide an idiot when they open their mouth.

I wish strength for you to continue for the children. You are a good mother who KNOWS deep inside that fighting to preserve your children's future is worth it.

Keep coming here for support and boosters. This is such a hard thing to be going through.

My thoughts are with you and your kids. My thoughts of your ex are that he'll eventually show himself to the coursts and they'll see his facade.

((((wi_fighter))))

Oh WI ! I am so sorry you are feeling so exhausted, and torn. I agree with zh 100% - his true colors WILL show ! YOU are their Mother - you have joint custody, therefore he is not "LETTING" you see them, you have that right. Please hang in there and FIGHT for what YOU know is best for them - NOT to live in a home that is so structured they are scared all of the time, being HIT by their Father, etc. We are here for you !!!! If I could come hold your hand thru this I would !!!!
Keep on keepin on !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

S - I love what Ozzie said. You will be a hero to your kids just by not giving up, even if you lose the court battle.

Just by reading some of his letters, it is TOTALLY clear to me how much he "needs" to be in control. And as ZH and Parker said, that will be clear to a judge as well.

Keep faith in yourself. I know that this is something you can endure -- you are a strong woman and are a terrific mom.

Love,
LMo

you can do it! I wonder how much of the exhaustion is anger being squashed? I agree, fight for your kids and stand up tall, don't back down, he will tangle himself up if you don't allow him to engage you in the mess.

to him...........xoxo pat

((((((((((((((((wi))))))))))))))))))) i'm sorry. i haven't kept up and didn't realize the situation. may i add one more thing. you said you think the only reason he "lets" you see the children is because you're their birth mother. i would like to add that there's another reason...because there's a court order stating it! while you're so down and tired, stand behind that and not much else right now, ok? know that the law is behind you and just look to that right now if you can.

((((((((((((((((((((((wi))))))))))))))))))))))) more for you right now.

kd

... plus, if you gave up, then you'd have to change your name here ;-)

Another thing... do you know how much crap your kids would give him if they could only see you every 2 weeks? He'd be miserable and eventually, he'd have to let them have more say, especially as they get older and more mature about vocalizing it.

I got a letter from my lawyer today. A GAL has been appointed and they need $500 from each of us within the next five days.

I want to drop it because my daughter asked me too, and she's the one who wanted the visitation changes. My son doesn't want anything to change.

The more I think about it, what is really going to change if I continue this fight? If we spend our whole summer putting money into legal fees and sitting in court, we'll have nothing left for anything else. My ex might get slightly put in his place in the courtroom, but it's been done before and all it does is make him emotionally manipulate me more afterwards. It won't change how he acts in any positive way at all. I still have at least 6 years to deal with this guy. The mediator said the majority of the things I want addressed need to be handled in post-divorce counseling, not in court. The ex won't do it.

I want to drop it, but on the other hand I feel like I'll be losing even more of my dignity to this guy by backing off Mind you, I'm not backing DOWN, I'm not giving IN, I'm just trying to think of what's best for everyone at this moment.

He wrote up a new parenting agreement and it seems reasonable (and isn't worded like his last one of "if you follow these requests, I'll show you the same courtesy), and it's going to be signed and witnessed by 2 other people (and I'm guessing notarized).

He might gloat to friends and family of how he "got" me to drop the case. He might not. Who's to say? For once, I'm not letting HIS scare tactics get to me. I'm a little nervous about the whole GAL procedure, but that's it. Chances are, it would end up staying 50/50 just like it is, because Wisconsin laws have changed a lot since 2001. Unless there's irrefutable evidence that the children are in danger with a parent, visitation isn't limited. Enough time has passed without any further questionable behavior on the ex's part that the past isn't going to hold much water.

The hard thing for me right now is how to gracefully close the case while letting it be known I wasn't bullied into it. I don't want to reinforce his thinking that if he applies enough pressure I'll cave to his demands.

I just got off the phone with my lawyer.

The fight's still on.

I hope your lawyer had some news for you that makes you want to continue with the legal actions. I can understand what you were saying about the money, time, etc, and not wanting to drag the kids thru all this, and not wanting to "give into him" etc, but am really concerned about the influence of a 'man' like him on the children so much of the time. GOOD LUCK !!!

He said I'm not going to lose my kids. Worst case scenario - it will stay 50/50. (although I'm still a little stumped on that. If they won't take them away from me, why would they take them away from their dad)?

He said he'll work with me on a payment plan for his fees, but I still have to pay the GAL $500 by the middle of next week.

He said the ex is just trying to bully me into backing down so he doesn't have to pay support that he should have been paying all this time anyway. He's likely hoping that he'll end up with the kids more and I'll have to pay him. He reminded me that I'm doing this so my kids will be financially cared for.

He said if I drop this now, the ex will win again and I'll be out a lot of money for nothing. (that's been my thinking too. I hate the thought of losing and being out even MORE money, but it's a chance I have to take).

We aren't going to spend all summer in court. The GAL will meet once with each of us, maybe more, and then will make a recommendation to the court based on her findings. HER, he he. The ex will HATE that. He thinks all women band together and are biased towards men.

If the ex hired a lawyer now, I'm thinking it will be wasted money, since it's in the hands of the GAL now. Anything we protest, as far as the GAL's recommendation, will then go to the judge to decide, and I've been told that the judge rarely deviates from the GAL's call. The lawyer is just a liason between the court and me now, basically.

He also said if the ex doesn't want there to be any mud slinging, he needs to stop doing it himself.

Sounds to me things are leaning more and more towards you coming out of this with more than you already have ! (And I DO so hope the EX has hired a big fancy lawyer !!!! LOL )

Keep on keepin on !!!!!!!!!