Can't shake the thoughts this week

Huge hugs to you Sanity and Bloom

I think that it is time to move on... the 25 year old guy is sweet, nice and charming... He knows where he stands and I have explained the whole Mark thing... so we are going to see what happens between us...

If Mark grows some balls and becomes a man about the way he feels (which ever way that is) then his only hope it to prove to me that my friendship is valuable to him.. then I may consider staying in touch with him.

I take back every nice thing that I have said about Mark... he is a insensitive emotional cripple...

I got a little angry today... He's never going to leave her. he doesn't love me... he didn't mean anything by the message (according to him)..

I posted it all on facebook... oh my he saw it.. A woman scorned..well we all know what happens with that..

The only problem I am now facing is that I hate myself and I have no will to continue to go on.

The truth shall set you free Belle. You have awesome friends, a loving family and plenty of potential suiters to pick you back up into the land of the living.

Don't waste time hating yourself. You aren't the first and you won't be the last woman to give her heart to a scoundral. Show him what his is missing and get out there and be the happiest, healthiest and most successful Belle you can be.

You are on the road to your destiny. You are free and beautiful.

(((((((belle)))))))

i'm so sorry, girl. i agree with sanity seeker: the best revenge is living well. you will get through this. just take it one day at a time.

I just don't understand why he did this to me again...

I didn't just read into his messages what I wanted to see/hear.. what he was saying with things like "I didn't know you would have me back. You always said we could only be friends" can't be miss understood.

I'm back where I was 6 months ago... it was over I had accepted it and moved forward.. now I am in so much pain again I just don't know which way to turn.

Did I deserve this.. did I do something terrible that makes me vulenerable to always wanting him. It felt and still feels like unfinished business. I hate what he has done to me AGAIN. I am just a fool to have let him do it over and over.

I am treating the last 5 weeks like a bad dream... I just woke up and have to shake my head to get rid of the bad thoughts.. it may linger but it's not going to stop my progress.

Even though he has not said the words I need to hear and asked for (No I don't love you, I love Lisa) I am going to pretend that he has said that to me.

No contact from my side.. for as long as it takes for me to feel 'real' again... If he wants to contact me then that's okay. I can't imagine my life without him so I'm just going act like I'm on holiday and don't have mobile phone reception when it comes to wanting to text him.

Belle....I think it's the time to block his number and all the contacts....don't hurt yourself more over him.....let yourself to heal without him being in your life....
The best way to heal is not having any contacts with him at all....and then you need lots of time....

hugs
Marjan

You are not anything those negative thoughts tell you about yourself. It is a process. Remember.... you are grieving a loss. You take a few step forward out of your grief, something happens to push you a few step back again. Its part of the process. A painful process it is but nothing you should beat yourself up about. Time and distance will be your healers. It will always feel like unfinished business until you say "I'm done."

Belle, focus on you. What makes you happy. What you are looking forward to. Have a holiday. And at the end of each day be grateful that you have all your options open and do not let a man rule your emotional well being.

I am so sad today...
I can't believe that I lashed out and hurt him and broke his trust like I did yesterday.

That is not the person I am.

I hate myself for everything.

I am so sorry, Belle.

Thanks Byz.
I just want to be able to stop crying

Oh hun.... its okay. You had a moment. Don't give it any more weight than that. I know it is hard..... So very hard to find a perspective right now. You lashed out. You are human. He will get over it. He broke your trust and you gave him a second chance to show you a little bit of kindness and still he kicked it back at you. Don't give him so much credit. The situation brought out the worst in you for a few hours. What is done is done. You can't take it back and it is what it is. One of those regretable moments in time. Nothing more. You can't take it back so push it away. Keep pushing the regret away.

I blew 1200 at the casino in Vegas last week. I have no job. No new contracts on the horizon. I have been subsidizing my ex's support with credit cards and now I am running out of credit. I am already up to my eyeballs in debt and I can't believe I put my son's security at risk. I am one step from having my house forclosed on and I gambled away next months mortgage payment and then some. I can't afford to put gas in my truck and I don't know where I am going to get the money to even keep my phone plugged in. I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror without crying. I know that kind of self loathing that you feel for doing something you later regret. Something so out of character and so humilating. Hope and desperation can be powerful drivers.

You have to let it go and start anew. What other choice is there? Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Yesterday is gone. It is one short chapter in a long story. You are still Belle. The sweet loveable, trustworthy, honourable and precious Belle you were before you let a moment get the better of you. We all make mistakes. Some of us have a really hard time living with mistakes. I am with you there. We can magnify mistakes a hundred fold and beat ourselves up forever about them. Or we can accept that we aren't perfect and we make whooper mistakes sometimes. It is what it is Belle. Try living with BiPolar and these kinds of regretable moments defining your everyday. It could be soooo much worse Belle. It really could.

There is nothing you can do to turn back time. It was not nearly as bad as you imagine. He will recover and besides he deserved it. He owed you so much better. Many would say you were pretty soft on him actually so find a perspective you can live with and get on with the rest of your life.

You will be okay. Give it some time and give yourself a break.

“Tears are words the heart can't express” Unknown

Thank you both.

I wrote him this morning. Just telling him that I was sorry for everything that I did yesterday. I am disgusted by my actions.
I broke his trust in me. I hate the way I acted and what I did.
I care for him so much and yes I do love him with all of my heart.

Byz.. the quote is so apt.

No doubt he still loves you too Belle and he will forgive you. It will be okay. I wish you well and I hope you can find something to help distract you from feeling so badly. Take good care. Blessings.

He replied;

Bel, Im not really even angry with you (a little bit hurt you did it) but I understand why you did what you did, you were hurt, i didn’t sleep last night because i spent the whole night worrying about you.

I never meant for this to happen, as i always said i had no end in mind when i sent that message, it was just how i felt at the time.

I also see that realistically right now i don’t think you are ready for us to be friends, i just want to say for the record that i do want your friendship and when you are ready i will still be here.

Mark

I replied with:

I was fine with being friends but you open the door to hope again.

I can’t have you in my life at the moment. I understand that. I don’t think that I will ever be able to just be friends again. There is too much tied up in my mind between us.

I need you to understand that I wanted so much for you to love me again – probably because I still don’t understand why you stopped.
Is it a possibility?

Bel

And he replied with;

I’m sorry but I don’t think it is a possibility, Im not going to give you hope again and then take it away again, i never meant to do that the first time, i wont make the same mistake again

I guess I have my answer.

Yes you finally have the answer you have been waiting for so in one sense your frustrated vent yesterday got you what you asked for. Sadly it isn't the answer you hoped for but he was finally honest and forthcoming with you. Let the healing begin.

Big hugs. (((((Belle)))))))

I still need him to say "I don't love you" not just all these "I don't think..."
I need it to be harsh and blunt

Breathe....breathe and try to relax yourself....
I was thinking I will go crazy over Aaron....every single day I was thinking about him....but I wasn't contacting him at all....the way that I finally detached from thinking about him was praying.....very interesting....I found a method, each time that he was coming to my mind, I was repeating the say pray over and over and over till the thoughts of him were vanishing from my head.....and of course breathing was the key too.....
Belle....move on and stop all this....you can do it.....

How did I know that was coming next.

How well do you know this guy? Is he ever harsh and blunt with you? He said he was awake all night worrying about you. He has said the words as planly and clearly and bluntly as he can. He is not going to add more insult to the injury. He cares about you and doesn't want to cause you more pain. He isn't even prepared to nurture a friendship because he is worried that will be hurtful for you because it gives you false hope.

At this point in time he is not in love with you enough to change his current situation and give a relationship with you a second change. Is that not clear in his reply?

If his 'think' still gives you hope how does that change anything for you? At best it is an extension of the wait and see holding pattern. Are you prepared to wait and see if maybe he will think differently tomorrow or next month or next year? Right now he isn't there for you. Right now you have no choice but to let go of the slim chance you are still hanging on to and let him live his life as he has chosen to live it. Without you Belle. He has chosen to give his heart to another. He doesn't see himself turning that around.

What life dreams are you prepared to give up while you keep the door open for him? You are already compromising you ability to give your heart to a new man. Mr. Right could walk in your door and you wouldn't recognize him because you are still holding onto the hope that Mark will call and beg you to take him back. You are dating yes but is your heart open or are you just filling time while you wait? Seems to me holding on to the hope is costing you a lot.

How many times are you prepared to relive the pain you have lived with today and each day your hopes rise again? When are you going to allow the pain to fade? Those seem to me to be the questions in front of you. Hanging on means enduring more pain until you get the kind of finality you think you need before you let go. A finality that may never come because he isn't that kind of guy. But you know that already so maybe it is just how your brain plays tricks on you. You know he will never be that blunt unless maybe if you turn into some kind of stalker crazy woman slandering his name all over the internet..... if you trash him enough then maybe he will get really mad and blunt. If you push him hard enough he might give you the blunt response you want. But you know he wouldn't hurt you unless he sees no other way to get the message through to you.

I need the message loud and clear from him. I need it to give me no option for turning back. I need it to be honest and hit me over the head....

((((((((((belle)))))))))))

i'm so sorry, belle. your heart must be breaking. it's time to let go of the hope though and face the truth. he's moved on. he's engaged to someone else. if he wanted to be with you he would be. actions speak louder than words and he's chosen to be with her. please stop fighting this and accept your loss. you will recover from this but the only way out is through. it would probably be a good idea to call your therapist and schedule an appointment as soon as you can. saying you want him to be blunt is just avoiding this pain. he may never be blunt with you. just remember that actions are the true test and his actions are clear.

I agree with bloom but if you are going to obsess about it write him again and ask him to be blunt. Yes or no.... is there any possibility...... No I thinks allowed. Do you love me yes or no. Get the exact words you need to hear. Then take bloom's advise and book an appointment with your T asap.

Wishing you only wellness my friend.