Can't shake the thoughts this week

Belle honey. I know its painful. But you have to keep strong. If a man does not want to be with you he does not deserve you. You are the centre. He is not. Just remember that. I am sending you big big hugs. And I hope you will be able to move on soon. xxxx

i hope you are okay belle. check in with us when you up to it.

Hi girls

I am actually pretty good.

Sanity I asked for the blunt YES or NO... and he said honestly he just didn't know...
I am actually okay with that answer... (head in the sand - I'm just taking it day by day).
The "deadline" was the wrong thing to do.. he is emotionally confused and I wanted an answer.... Like you said.. there is no deadline to be able to be mentally sorted out..

We are taking a step back from all of that and just being 'friends'.. no contact everyday and me not stresing all of the time.

Thanks everyone xxxoooxxx love you all so much!

good that you feel better Belle....

I don't want to plant any false seed of hope in your heart, but I just tell you a story of my friend.....

She dated this guy for months...actually, I introduced them together then she found out the guy doesn't give him that much attention....she just broke up earlier than him breaking up!!! she said he wasn't calling anymore and she didn't want him to be the one to dump her....but she was hurt....she starts online dating...but she was always wishing to have him in her life....I felt bad, when I was seeing how much she wants him.....guess what? two years passed....and here it is....he called and asked her out again....Now It's been more than two years they are together....I'm so happy for her....I think being patient paid off for her....

I wish you all happiness.....take care of yourself
Marjan

Belle, please exercise some self resolution and preservation. You look after yourself. Good luck!! xxx

Thanks Marjan sweet story xx How are you?

I had my step dad's 70th B'day party last night... did all the cooking (50+people) and made the cake, which was fantastic..
Have family (my mum's niece and her hubby) over for the weekend... I talked with her (Ii guess she's my cousin LOL) and she's great.... If it's meant to be it will be.
Yes I love Mark.. but life doesn't stop for him. I do want him back in my world - as a partner one day - if it is going to happen then time will take care of it xx

Thanks girls xxo

I was going to email you.....got worry a bit that you were quiet.....

good girl....that's a great attitude....sometimes things are out of our control and all we can do is just to let it go....love stays there....I'm sure both of you have that memory and love always.....

you did cooking for 50 people? am I right? that's a lot of work....wow....

my mum is coming here to stay with us for couple of months....I'm so happy...but sad that dad won't be with her....but we can't fight the reality of life....I got to go and clean my home....it's again disaster

xoxoxo
Marjan

Hi agian

Yes I cooked for 50+ people for the party.. I love cooking it relaxes me.. even when the oven died the night before the actual party (Mum paniced but I just got a repair man to come early on the Friday so all good).
It wasn't hard food other than the cake - tripple layer chocolate sponge sandwiched together with whipped ganache and smothered in dark chocolate ganache... I've never made a cake that big before LOL it weighed a tonne!
The other food was basic stuff... lasange, curry, rice, chicken wings and salads...and a few slices (brownies and caramel walnut) to fee the masses!
So that's the reason I took Thursday and Friday off work hahaha.. to get it all done and prepared in time.

Enjoy your mum coming to stay with you. I never appreciated my Mum until I was about 23 and really she is my best friend now.
Sad that it will cause you to remember your dad more but maybe you can turn it into a positive some way? Great memories to be remembered perhaps?

I went on a date on Saturday night (just to the movies) with the young guy... I told him what he has is more of a crush on me than love LOL... he sits and stares at me... weird but a nice distraction from the Mark stuff.

I felt like giving up the my "dead line" etc was putting my head in the sand but I have realised that I can't control this situation as much as I want to... I just have to live my life and maybe one day everything will sort it's self out the way i am hoping for.. in the mean time you never know, I coudl fall in love with someone else

my dear Belle....you are such a beautiful person and you have a great attitude....very positive....you had a great progress till mark poisoned it....but I can see your great attitude is coming back....keep going girl...
I will promise you that you will fall in love again...and even better than before....and there is no deadline in life....just live one day at a time.....and let the life to surprise you
wow...you did a great job cooking for 50 people....that's a lot of work to do....when I had just five guests over, I was exhausted....
My mum is here....and I do love her so much, but my relationship with my dad was different....dad was more like me versus mum and my sisters....but it's good to have her here....I had lunch with her and we went shopping....she still has a great taste to choose clothes for me....she picked a very nice dress and matched it with a cute short top....I bought them all....we had coffee together and then I dropped her off at my sister's home....tomorrow I'm going to pick her up after work and take her for art shopping.....she loves oil painting....I'm so proud of her....and at the age of 63 she's so attractive and beautiful with a shiny skin....not that many wrinkles at all....I hope I stay like her when I get older
let the young guy to spoil you....you deserve it....that's why I do love to go out with young guys....hehehe.....
I'm going to meet one of the online guys on Tuesday for lunch....lets see how it goes....I really need to get on the dating....It's been a while....I'm rusted....hehehehe.....and as it goes, I feel more comfortable with my lonely life...that's not good....

take care
Marjan

Your Mum sounds beautiful Marjan and I am sure you will age as gracefully as she has

Can't wait to hear how you 'date' with the guy from online goes.. I want all the details... I can live thru your dating seeing I'm relaxing on all of the pressure to meet Mr Right...

Mark's a little weird atm.. Happy to send chatty/friendly texts but wont answer simple questions like "how are you?". If he has come to a final decision then I would genuinely like to know. I need to hear the blunt hurtful "NO" if that is the truth...

My parents go away for 3 weeks tomorrow.. Mum is worried to leave me alone as she says something always happens when they are on holidays. I told her usually something happens before they go away LOL - oh so true.. So I'll be fine as nothing has happened hehehe..
It will be nice to have a break from all the noise at home. So I am looking forward to it a little but know that I will just up my hours at work so that I spend less time alone.

sure....I will let you know how it goes tomorrow....the thing is I'm not even excited about it....I have a gynecologist appointment on Wednesday and I'm more worry for that....he's going to run more testing, it called colopscopy....hope it's fine and no bad result....

good that you feel better....how does it go with a young guy?

Fingers crossed that your tests go well.. will be thinking of you.

The young guy is just really young... sort of puppy love that he has going on with me... but he is nice and good fun too. My T said to me "What age first pops into your head when you think about him" the answer was 16 LOL and yeah that is the age I think he is stuck at

hehehe....then you are dating 16 years old
Guess what? I asked my mum to color my hair today and all my scalp is red....I mean red red......My hair usually has reddish color, but I always go to the salon and I think they know what to do....now....tomorrow I'm going with red scalp to the date....hehehe....it's kinda funny....but my hair itself looks good....
I had a long day today and still I haven't slept yet....I feel such a loser....I haven't found a place to move out....and my home is so uncomfortable....now it's 12 midnight and the neighbor next door is repairing his car and make so much noise....people are so inconsiderate
are u still on the online dating site?

I just snooped into facebook....this Saturday was the only Saturday I missed the dance party....and guess what? Aaron was there....I just saw photos.....I'm so happy that I didn't go....I don't want to dance with him and stir up all the past emotions back on the surface! Not sure if he's with anybody or not!!!!!
I had a dream about him the other day and even in the dream he broke my heart....hehehe....when I woke up, I was so happy that it was a dream and he's not in my life anymore....but still I miss him....wondering does he think about me....who cares really.....I don't want heart ache at all!

sorry....just needed to tell somebody....I'm getting so good at not telling all my secretes to friends and family....instead I'm writing it here....

xoxo
Marjan

LOL yeah I'm dating a 16 year old hehe.

I had a friend who decided to "go blonde" the day before her 21st Birthday.. it went greeny grey and she had to spend the day of her Birthday at the hair dressers getting it fixed before the party hehehe

Snooping on facebook is good if you get the outcome like that! I usually just get more heartbroken... but it's all okay.

You are not a loser, you are a busy career woman who is brilliant. Just because you haven't moved YET doesn't mean anything... it will come when the time is right for you (met a nice guy who has a house in the 'burbs..blah blah - fairy tale LOL)

It's okay to wonder about Aaron. I think that he probably does think about you just as much as you think about him.

My secrets are only shared here too.. and with Tom... he's simply wonderful to confide in!

As for my 25 (going on 16) guy.. well he sent me a message last night... he wants a relationship with me so badly and I think I might go for it. It can't get any weirder than it is at the moment and I enjoy spending time with him. He said he has backed off for me to sort out my head space (mainly the Mark stuff)..
Anyway I have the house to myself for the next 3 weeks... a good time as any to see if there is a real connection between him and me!
(oh yeah still miss Mark and he's having a 's**t' time according to him... Well the dude needs to make up his mind and sort his stuff out!!!)

I think this young guy is a good thing for you....how settle he is? does he have a good job? if so, why not....he's young and full of energy and he will fall in love with you crazy
see....for me, I'm okay to snoop into facebook now, but before I was like you getting heartbroken if I saw a pic of him with somebody else....but now time has passed and I'm okay.....but I do miss him too....looking at his pictures stir up my emotions, but I controlled myself quickly....I really don't want to see him at all....It won't help! and I don't think he thinks about me....not sure about that part
You sound better and I'm happy for you...let time to show your way....

xoxoxo
Marjan

Hi Girls, you both sounds well - I am pleased to read. How did the date go Marjan? I am so happy you decided to go for it. You never know. And its good practice. Dont forget to smile.

Belle, so nice to read you are stronger and more relaxed. Funnily enough - I met someone who is 10 years younger than me and he was lovely, kind, sweet and interesting. Strangely we will meet again tomorrow eve as he is a friend of my cousin's bf. I dont want anything serious but having a nice calm company is great. So you too- enjoy it!

Hugs to you both xxx

Hi girls

Yes Marjan he is settled, well employed (tradesman type job fitting glazing) and sweet... I am fairly happy at the moment.. so haven't contacted Mark... He can sort his own problems out and then contact me (how I feel at the moment!!)

Go for it Tatyana... keep it fun and just enjoy yourself!

Totally agree... we should all smile

That's great Belle....one of my friend got into online dating after separation....then she met this younger guy (5 years younger)....she didn't want to go out with him because of his age....but guess what....they are married now....hehehe....he's such a great guy and loves her so much....she was telling me she doesn't have the excitement that he has for moving together stuff because she was married before.....they were living in Toronto at that time then the young guy got a job in London and she found job for herself and they moved there and got married in Italy! I couldn't go to her wedding, but it was a beautiful wedding.....so...you never know....and if he has a good job, why not.....
I think God put a good guy in front of you.....and honesty, Mark is not going to do any good to you except giving you headache and heartache.....poor Lisa who has to deal with that while you have fun with your young guy....hehehe....

Thanks Marjan xxooxx you made me smile with the last sentence haha.
Hope you are doing well...

Has Sanity been on here since she got back from Vegas? I see her on Facebook so know she is okay but still worry about her...

Sanity is missed here big time.....I hope she's doing okay....she wrote you after her trip to Vegas....
I'm okay....just had biopsy today....it was easier than I was thinking....I just hope for negative result....the doctor told me it's just for precaution and it most likely it's okay....hope so.....I really don't want to think about it anymore and feed the scary thoughts....I will live day by day and appreciate each breath....
ya...I'm busy with mum these days....but my mum has depression badly....and she has so much anger....I think these are mostly because of lose of my dad....but it's kinda hard to deal with her depression....and it's kinda contagious....anyway....she's my mother and i have to be patient with her and take care of her....sorry to nag again!

You can nag any time.... and it's not nagging, you need to get it all out of your head and writing it down here is a great way to do that.

Try to stay positive and maybe your Mum will 'catch' your attitude

I hope that the biopsy comes back with a negative result. I am sure that you will be fine. Let me know how it all goes.

I am catching up with one of the guys I met AGES ago tonight. He's nice and we are just going to watch DVD's (think of him as more a friend and he feels the same about me, so it will be nice). And then I am seeing Richard tomorrow evening - going to just chill out at mine rather than going out somewhere I think. He told me yesterday that he was heavily into drugs when he was younger but has been 'clean' for 5 years... and it on anti-depressants will probably will be for life.. Not sure how that makes me feel to be honest. The anti-depressants are nothing really but the whole drug thing makes me worry a bit...
Am I being horrible to be thinking that way?

I would be worry too....be very very careful....ask him which kind of drugs he used to take? honesty, some kinds like "heroin" is so addictive and I heard that if you use it just once, you can't get it off from your body....but some kinds of drugs like "marijuana" is not that addictive, and he can always get over it....but who I am to give you advice, I've never even smoked in my entire life....

but again....be very careful....and one more advice, make sure he gets tested for STDs....see what I'm going through....I know there is no test for HPV, but still you have to protect yourself.....

It's so hard to deal with mum....I've been so patient, but I'm very worry for her....my older sister told me that she does not want to deal with it at all...and she feels so nerves to have her as a guest....that broke my heart....she's our mum for god sake, we got to take care of her....she went through so much past few years....lost two of his brothers and then my dad within a year....that's too much to handle....I don't blame her for being so angry and depressed.....

anyway....got to wrap of my work and leave work now....

have fun and enjoy your life
Marjan

The drugs that he said he used to use it quite a list... ice, marijuana, speed, coke but he didn't mention heroin.. that would have put me off straight away.... I have to believe that he is 'clean' as he doesn't sho any signs of still being on the drugs - not around me anyway...
Think I'll have a little chat to him when I see him on Saturday night.

Take care of yourself xxoo

I hate to be judgmental, but I see people who are into drug stuff are tempting to take them again in some point in their life.....but he's young and hope he got his lesson....hope he won't take them again....Be very careful....besides, you don't want to be with a guy who carries any types of drugs in his pocket....
I've never heard about ice or speed....hehehe....those are funny names....what the heck are them? how people get access to all these drugs?
here is long weekend....woohoo....
take care and have fun
Marjan