Can't shake the thoughts this week

I had an okay week at work.. Kept in touch with both Richard and Mark with text msgs... I miss them both LOL stupid I know.

Might be seeing Richard tomorrow night - depending if my cold has gone away by then...

He's one confused guy.. what is it with me and confused males??

I went on a date last weekend with a top guy.. mature, sensible, similar to me in many ways... so why don't I want him? He'd be a good mate.

You are not interested in this new good guy....but there are other good mature guys out there that you will be interested in....just don't beat up yourself!
I'm so busy these days with my mum and home hunting....I put an offer on a home, they told me they got insulted by my offer....what the heck? the same model has been sold for that price....and this home is 40 years old...the home that has sold more expensive was remodeled and upgraded....I wanted that one before....but I was late to put offer on....
anyway....I'm so pissed, specially at my real estate agent, it feels she's more on the buyer's side rather than my side....she pissed me off totally....and I didn't contact her since....there are so many of them out there....I'm going with somebody else....I really hope to end up this searching....need to get a good place ASAP....
hope everything goes well with you....
take care of yourself
Marjan

Hi marjan,

I hope you do find a realestate agent that is looking out for what is best for you.. Not sure how it all works over there but here we 'shop around' in a way and don't worry about sticking with an agent to take us through properties..

Saw Richard on Friday night... was nice but both of us were coming down with the flu so he left at about 10:30pm... I wanted him to stay the night so was a little sad over it.

I really like this guy and don't know how to 'play it' but I guess i just have to be myself and see what happens...

Belle...why not take a break from trying to find Mr. Right. Give yourself some time to know yourself. There's nothing wrong with being alone for a while. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but you've been thru a lot.
Patty

hey Belle....hope you are doing good....I just got rid of the other real estate agent...I was working with two agents for two different cities....now I'm just staying with one of them...He's such a nice guy....very honest....even today I wanted to get a home that I was barely afford and he told me "don't burn yourself under debt"....He said "I can't forgive myself if I don't tell you that"....and then he told me how he got divorce from his first wife, because they bought an expensive home which they couldn't afford and they went through so much money problems that they finally got divorced with three kids....he said that was the worst thing he have done....well...he's around 55 something and I respect him for his honesty....
I gave notice to my landlady already and I want to move out from this crappy place by end of this month....then I have more brain to think about a home to buy....It looks like it won't be an easy quick decision....I need more time....
I think that's a bad decision to rush to get something....It's so stupid, I cried today when I found out I can't buy the home that I really loved....I was around 30k short
I will put my effort from tomorrow to just find a rental place and get rest and enough sleep....
By the way....my biopsy result is negative....it showed just some inflammation...thank god....I think life is so short and It's better to live in peace....
I totally agree with Seeker1950....I've been single for a year now....and I think I really needed this time to heal my wounds....It's not good to jump from one relationship to the other....right now....I feel more ready to shop around for dates....and I don't get attached to them as I used to be before....there are several guys that i got to meet them this coming weekend....not sure how it will go, but I just want to have a good time and see how it goes....
take care
Marjan

Thanks Sanity and Marjan xxooxx I love you both for just being you!

Glad the biopsy was negative Marjan, must be a weight off your mind.

I feel that I have had a break for the past 6 months.. but I think I am looking for the love of my life - when he doesn't exist... Still think about Mark so often but the thought sof Richard cloud them out, maybe that's why I want him at the moment..

Will give myself to my work for the next week and see how I feel.

Lots of love and hugs xxoo

I am giving myself a break from Richard.. but of course it means that I can't stop thinking about him.. I thought he was going to be "the one" to cure all my sadness and get me finally over thinking about Mark.. pity and now I am sad.
I have deleted his number from my phone (again!!) so if he wants to contact me then he can.. hopefully after he sorts his head out... until then I can't contact him which has to be a good thing...doesn't it??

((((Belle)))))

You can't rest your happiness on anybody's shoulder! and nobody can cure your sadness, except you....
I used to be very sad not having a partner, then having it was not making me happy either....and of course, I was losing the guy....I paid the price, which is my time, to understand that nobody can make me happy except myself....I found out I got to be happy inside myself then get into a relationship....otherwise, it won't work.....
So many people has told me this on PC.....I couldn't believe it till I found it myself....
Of course, I want to have a partner but I don't think finding a partner will cure my sadness or do any other magic....
Take care of yourself and stay strong
Marjan

I told Richard how I felt and that it was doing my head in that his feelings had changed.. His reply was bascially "you should have snapped me up when you had the chance"..
So it's over before it even really began and I just want to cry.. what on earth made me think that I would be happy again.. I was falling in love...

I was happy with myself until he came along... I didn't want him and then I did.. ad now I am depressed that I missed what could have been good...
I know I don't need the headaches of it going on and one.. I'd just get more hurt.. easier to just cut all ties now.

I know a relationship wouldn't make me happy... but just being with him, cuddling, kissing, talking and being there made me feel good..

(((((((belle)))))))

i'm so sorry this guy richard is being so weird with you. i don't know, it almost seems like he's punishing you with how he's acting now. he sounds like an addict--gotta have his fix right now but once the moment is gone he's over it.

one thing that helped me when i kept choosing players was to remind myself to look at the whole person. there may be some characteristics about someone that i found very appealing, but when i looked at the totality of who a guy was it became pretty clear if he was going to be a good fit for me. also, just ask yourself would any of these guys make a good father. i think richard has shown the answer is clearly no from what you have experienced of him so far.

(((((belle)))))) sorry you are feeling this heartache again. I had heard that Aussie men were tough but geesh time for a good one to pop his head in your direction.

I wonder if you might not want to talk with your T to explore your need for intimacy and attachment. Wonder what the root of that is about for you. Wonder if your search for a mate is based on a desire or a dependancy. Just a thought.

May joy fill your cup today. Hugs.

A few more words to describe you..... beautiful, sensitive, passionate,resilent.

Thank you Bloom and Sanity

I was okay with being on my own Sanity.. I didn't want anything to 'change' in my life.. couldn't stand the thought of having to change my lifestyle (what it had become after the break up with Mark) but then Richard just got under my skin... He wrote me a parting message after I said tha I couldn't speak to him or see him anymore (self preservation i think)

belle, u are really a sweet chick, ur really really nice, i enjoyed hanging out with you, to be honest i dont really have a reason why i just went off you, i know i got impatient and just lost interest because i wanted to be with you so bad but i just got sick of waiting, but i think that has alot to do with my anxiety, who knows what will happen in the future to come, we may end up back again if i get the same feeling back again. i really just wana sort my head out as ive been dealing with this s**t for ages and i dont have to, i just wanna be happy, the worse thing i could do is fake it pretending im having a 100% fun in life.
u just have some space, try meet some new people and see what happens, there might be a man that will sweep u off ur feet better then what i could, im just going to chill, and just sort my head out and just have abit of me time, after all this anxiety i just have always been involved with girls and im just a bit over it, need some time to myself. few weeks,months who knows, but hey u take care, ill see u around the traps xxxx

thanks for everything, i enjoyed every minute

For me it just started to feel right and I guess that when if felt right to me it felt wrong to him... remembering I guess that he is only just 25 years old...

Weirdly I turned to Mark tonight.. I finally feel real friendship towards him.. told him how I felt heart broken about Richard etc and what had happened.. He replied with *hugs* and then asked what was wrong etc..
After I had explained and he put his two cents worth to in.. we both felt like it was a totally weird conversation to be having LOL but it felt right to be emotional with him...
I am crying my eyes out and I just want it to stop..
I had no intention of opening my heart again but it happened... and it only took two months... I feel like I have betrayed myself in some way.. i promised that I woldn't let myself get hurt again and I have.

I do know that the pain will be short lived.. it wasn't even a full on relationship LOL so I am probably being silly.

Thanks everyone... sorry for the lenghty post

not sure if you got intimate with Richard....but I get a sense that he has some hidden problem in that department.....and all his anxiety is coming from there....once he knew you are not for him, he was okay....now that you are into him, he pulls out because he's afraid of you solving his problem....
It's just my thoughts....I may be wrong.....but this is based on my own experience.....I've been there and I know that....I felt like what the heck....why after this much chasing, now that I want this guy, he doesn't want me....then after awhile I found out he has problem....poor guy, he couldn't keep it up for more than a minute....that was very sad....and that was a reason to be alone....every single girl were dumping him....so, then he was just getting into the game and when he was wining, he was just moving on because he wanted to be the one to dump the girl, not to get dumped again....funny ha....and poor me to be the victim! I cried so many nights thinking what has happened.....I was stocking him on the internet....now that I look back, I laugh out laud....that was so silly....I was looking for a mirage!!!!
Belle....you will be fine....cry it out and then you will feel better....
take care of yourself
Marjan

Hi Marjan..

As far as intamcy.. we did sleep together once but it didn't really go as planned... He blames the medication that he is on and to be honest I think that most of his anxiety does stem from there.. to put it bluntly he can 'get it up' but it goes no further than that...
I just enjoyed all the cuddles and kisses and time spent together.
We did discuss the problem.. mainly because at the time he was feeling nervous and wanted it to be perfect.. when I said that I was just happy to continue with the kisses and cuddles then he relaxed again (mind you he would get a hard on when we were on the couch, everytime without fail )
I think the pressure is what did end things really.. Last weekend we planned the whole 'viagra' thing.. he got some off a mate and I said I don't think you need it but we can see.. don't take it until the last minute etc...
In the end he started to feel sick (after dinner) but I am now wondering if it was the stress and pressure that made him feel ill...
I did put a bit of pressure on him to sleep with me I guess.. but the 'dirty' text messages and conversations were always started by him so I just replied to them in the same vein...

Long story short we are going to stay in touch, he is seeing his T once a week and once the anxiety is sorted then maybe we will met up and see if the flame is still there....

LOL story of my life... waiting for guys to sort out what they REALLY feel and want..

I can sort of smile about it today... but yeah I am still feeling sad

ha....I knew it...you got to consult with (((Doctor Marjan))))....hehehe....

poor guy, he's under so much pressure....yes, he can get h...but I don't think he can keep it up....he either needs practice or he has problem....

I would suggest you to not even dig into his problems at all....That's very important in a relationship....and if he fails over and over, then it's frustrating....you guys just met online....you don't have any history together....It's easier to quite at this stage!

Belle....I had such an experience....it's so frustrating for a woman if it's always few second x...trust me....the cuddling it's okay at the beginning...but how much cuddling do you need? life time cuddling?

Okay girl....stay strong...you will be okay....try to push the negative thoughts off from your mind...

take care
Marjan

You were spot on.. LOL but I didn't know how to write it out here hehe.. exactly as you said.. he could get it up and it would last for a while (say 5 minutes) and then it would go down again.. up again.. down again.. over and over.. He was so stressed about I am sure it was playing on his mind all of the time... especially seeing that since I hit 30 I seem to want sex more and more..
I do think that the medication he is on for his depression and anxiety play a huge part in the 'performance issues'.. it has major side effects on that side of things.
I know that I have only known him since the beginning of April but we did connect on some level.. And I was enjoying getting to know him.

I am not having negative thoughts today.. I wrote back to what he had written to me.. as usual I have attached the emails below LOL (me in blue.. him in black)

You bugger you have made me cry LOL

Oh and 100% happy doesn't exist haha

Text me when you want to catch up x



hey sorry, i diddnt mean to xx haha well its something that i havent been in ages cos of my anxiety, but yeha its all good, u just take care, ill see you around again some time, lets just have some space. im off to get sorted every week with the shrink so, im looking forward to being better. take care princess, be good xo



Hey

Space is okay.. hope the feelings come back or that you at least want to try again... I like you lots you know. Just took me a while to realise it LOL
I have no intention of being good haha...
But yeah like.. ring me if you just want to catch up and see how things go xxx
Good luck with the shrink appts... mine made a world ofdifference to me... skipped my last one but think I'll make on for next week now XD

One thing that I have to thank you for is making me realise that i really only want my Ex as a friend.. text him last night with how I was feeling about you etc.. he had some okay advice.. but at the end of it we both realised that it was a totally weird conversation to be having LOL

Talk soon babe.. when you are ready xxooxxooxx

I have another guy (the sensible, mature, nice guy) that wants to catch up tonight but not sure.. feel like I'd be using him to get over Richard now LOL.. a sting of men just hanging around to take me out... but I only want one LOL

Will see what happens..

Also one other thing that I don't think I have mentioned is that I may be catching up with Mark tomorrow for coffee.. I miss talking to him and just being me.. So unless he bails (which i don't think he would do as it was his idea) I am looking forward to just chatting to him..

Richard is back on the online dating site... so maybe the 'sorting his head out' was just all crap... annoying. Why can't men just be straight with me??!!

Cross a big red sign on Richard.....he's looking for another girl and he will do the same game over and over....
I feel so bad for him....I know some other guys like him too....It's really sad....I think women don't know how awful it is to not being able to make a woman happy.....that will create lots of anxiety and depression and self esteeme issues for him....I hope he finds a cure....
Yes...30s are the peak time....I'm there too
well....but the good news is that when you don't use it and you are busy for a while then you get okay....hehehe.....
take it easy girl
you are so beautiful and there are so many guys out there....you will be surprised.....
M.

Thanks Marjan

I ended up writing to him on Facebook.. telling him that he was a fibber seeing he was back on RSVP.. wasn't nasty just wished him well in his search.. hopefully he'll find what he is looking for.

I updated what I had written about myself in my online profile..and changed the heading to: "Looking for a nice, cute, smart guy with minimum baggage that wont mess with my head "... I think that says it all

I got a response back from ym FB message to Richard... and now I feel bad.. but I hadn't been on RSVP actually for the past 3 weeks.. not since my feelings for him grew anyway..

hey, i have got back on there the other week, there is no big deal. You have been on there the whole time? Whats the big deal. Im not looking for anything. Im happy meeting people for friends. I am sorting my head out. Ask my shrink if you dont beleive me.

Hey.. question for doc marjan

Richard and I are staying in touch.. he is hoping that the T appointments will get him back on a level and that maybe in the future we can see what happens... any way..

I have been sort of doing the whole facebook stalker thing.. not good I know LOL but I do like seeing what he is up to and we both comment on each others walls....
I notice that all of the 'friends' that he is adding at the moment are from really 'raunchy/xxx' type dating sites that promise casual sex rather than relationships...
As I know that he has trouble maintaining an erection (okay so it is impressive when it is there ) but he'd need chemical help to last the distance...
I'm babbling LOL..
I guess the thought going through my head is... has he added all of these hot girls (who are clearly looking just for sex according to their facebook pages) as a front.. a lie sort of thing.. to look good infront of his mates etc..

What's you opinion??

are you kidding me? he couldn't do it with you....that means he can't do it with other girls either.....
The guy that I told you had the same type of issue and poor me was dating him....he was blaming me for his problem....he was finishing in few seconds....swear to god...just 1 2 3....then he was telling me....that's all your fault...you are so sexy and you move sexy that makes it hard to stay focus....hehehehe.....I was exactly like you first....getting online and stucking him....and I was thinking if he's with this girl or that girl....then I figured out how stupid I am.....he couldn't make me happy, he can't do it to others either....same relationship with other girls.....so sad....it is sad....
then after few months, he called me....but of course, I didn't want to see him....I said no....he said...you got a boyfriend? and he got upset....I was single at that time....but I didn't want to go with him....what's a point....it was such a disappointment and at top of that he was such an A.H. too....

((Belle)) I think you should work on your obsession....that is not good at all....I used to be the same....but I am not that obsess anymore....I practise to be not like that....because I don't like that Marjan who starts obsessing what the ex is doing....or stucking him on line....arggg....that's just killing me....so, I gave up on all these things and life is pretty....

You can do something better with your time rather than checking Richard what he writes on FB.....just delete him from FB....what's a point of keeping him there....you can even block him then you won't see him and he can't see you either....

take care
Marjan

belle, i think marjan has been giving you really good advice lately. i have to admit i can't imagine why anyone would stay on a med that makes them not be able to function sexually. i'd rather be depressed and have my plumbing working than happy and uh...you know. when i suggested maybe looking into the roots of your relationship stuff this is the part i was referring to: the obsession and why you seem to be having trouble letting go, also why you are picking these types of guys to date. that usually comes from somewhere. the steady, mature guy you aren't interested in but these guys who don't know what they want seem to appeal to you. hey, i do understand, i totally do it too.

LOl you both made me laugh...

Bloom maybe you are on to something.. I think I like to 'fix' other people problems and make everyone happy (yes have gone through that in therapy..and sort of resolved it.. - I am doing more things for me now than ever before rather than focusing on others happiness.)

There was just something about Richard in the end.. a spark that doesn't seem to want to die. Not like the whole Mark thing.. that was dead in the end anyway really.. we were not having fun together anymore..
With Richard it was exciting and I wanted to see him every minute of the day... am sure it was mainly an attraction but his mind facinated me as well.. he seems mature for only 25.. lived in a few different places and had lots of life experience..
I just feel that I let it slip away because at the time he wanted a relationship i was still waiting for Mark to make up his mind..

I'm happy enough for the moment and I figure there is a plan out there for me where I'll find the perfect life.. as long as I'm not looking too hard ...