[Belle1979]

I keep having thoughts about Mark and that he brought HER into my house when I thought that I was giving him time and space to figure things out and of course allowing him to live there while he looked for a new place.
I moved out of MY home to make it easier on him and he totally betrayed everything - having her there almost everynight (which I didn't find out until a few weeks later), her cooking him meals with MY pots and pans, sleeping in MY bed with her...
Playing happy house I guess

I keep wondering when it all actually started.. were the late nights at work really late nights... etc.

Usually I am able to blank out the thoughts (it took a few months but I was able to sort of shake my head and get rid of the images). This week it's all back with full force...
When I change my bed linen now think of him and her in MY bed...

Just needed a little rant.

I am hoping that next week I'll be back on the right track again. I see my T next week so he should be able dig a little deeper and see what's going on in my head.

http://www.griefhealing.com/column1.htm

[Mike_J]

Don't quite get it, why do people throw away a relationship. Don't they get that the new relationship miht seem better at first but all relationships are hard work.

I'm sorry to hear that you were taken advantage of my some jerk.

[jenkins09]

It sounds like you're going through a difficult time. I don't blame you for how you feel, in fact it's very normal. You were betrayed in one of the worst ways possible. Let yourself feel the emotions, I wouldn't try to bury them. Let yourself grieve the loss of what you thought you had. I hope you get to feeling better.

(((((((belle)))))))

i'm so sorry for what you're going through. he really treated you horribly by having her stay over in your house. i think these sorts of things do take much time to heal from and do hit us in waves. i also wouldn't try to push it all away. it sounds like you need to let the feelings out. there is probably a balance there between feeling the feelings and not getting overwhelmed or stuck in them. maybe your T can help you figure that one out and then you can tell the rest of us how to do it. take care sweet belle.

[RomanSunburn]

I agree with what everyone else has already said, and I couldn't really add anymore to it. I just wanted to send hugs and positive thoughts your direction to help you get through this. Please take good care of yourself

[MomoBear]

Ranting is good. <3
Feel better, love.

[sanityseeker]

I am so sorry his betrayal continues to haunt you Belle. So many unanswered questions spinning around your head. Would it help to let yourself let it all out? Instead of pushing the question aside give them a voice and let yourself ask them. Put a pillow in a chair and pretend you are talking to Mark. Say everything you need to say until you are empty. Maybe then the answers won't matter so much.

Maybe you just need to give yourself permission to have these questions. You have every right to have these question even if you will never ever have a satisfactory answer. He made so many mistakes and treated you will such contempt there is nothing he could say to justify his actions. Nothing he has to say will make it right again. But in time you will be right again. Soon this will be one more piece of the puzzle that helps you put it away.

[Belle1979]

Thank you all so much for the kind words

Byz - that article is great.

Everyone here is so fantastic.

I think I will ask the questions out loud... there wont be answers and I'll probably need to rant again - hope that's okay LOL

Love to you all xxx

[sanityseeker]

Rant away anytime Belle. I agree... great article Byz. It gives one permission to be more accepting of the journey and therefore more authentic.

We can always count on the Byz to source the best information and plop it down at just the right time and in the right place. Thanks Byz. You kindness knows no bounds.

[sanityseeker]

I figured so. Let it work its way for good as you process through the grief. See I read the article from Byz too. Keep smiling... the weekend is on its way. You love love love weekends. And I bet you are looking forward to this one even more than usual given the disruptions in your workspace.

[Belle1979]

Thanks Sanity xxx

I'm not sure why it's back in full force (other than that forum about sleeping with someones wife). I thought that I had it all under control and I was totally back on my feet but little things are making me want to cry again. A song on the radio, seeing something that I know he would want when I am at the shops and just thinking about the betrayal generally.

I was past all of that - I didn't care that the questions wouldn't be answered.
Seems that it comes in waves. I want to know the truth - when they actually got together, did he 'cheat' on me or did they really only start seeing each other after we 'split'.
The time line doesn't make sense really... to get engaged 2 months after we split... seems like it must have been going on for the two months before hand (when he says he started to doubt that he still loved me).
I hate these thoughts and feelings - they are in control again and I'm crying at the drop of a hat!

I know that I will get past it again and as many times as I need too.

Thanks for all the support - hugs back at you all xxooxx

[lynn P.]

Belle - since it hasn't been to long since this happened to you, I think it's normal for these feelings to surface again. It's just your mind trying to work through your feelings. It happens to me - in fact it happening lately especially since I have to live with him. I feel very angry and I've already told him - if he were to (God forbid) die - I would punch her lights out, right in the funeral home. Probably this will get edited.

This bad stage will pass and it might take getting angry. Does he live in your old house?

[Perna]

I was reading that we have recurrent dreams to assure ourselves that our fear and pain are all real and our reactions "correct"; sounds like the same thing for you but in your waking state. You are totally on target being confused and hurt and just generally "flummoxed".

I hope you feel better soon though.

[marjan]

Oh my sweet sweet heart Belle....I didn't know about this thread till I read the other thread and Sanity maintained about this one.....
My sweet heart you do have all rights to be sad over this....I don't know what I would have done if I were you.....but I know one thing....I would never ever wanted him back in my life.....and I would never ever talk to him....
If these thoughts are bothering you this much, I would suggest you to face them and go ask him directly....but think about it before asking him....are you okay if his answers are not pleasant....then do you want to know those answers at all? if so, then go and get your answers....again, if I were you, I would avoid all those nasty answers....because either way is not happy....
just a second thought....probably...these are just your imagination....probably...there was nothing....just try to not fuel it...push those thoughts away from your mind and think that there was a reason for not be with him and believe that it's the best for you....
you are such a great person and good things are on your way....I can see your good progress....just keep going with your life....you are young and beautiful....enjoy it....
with love
marjan
p.s. do you go to GYM at all? doing some kinds of physical activities would lift up your mood

[Belle1979]

Lynn he moved out of the house on the 18th of December so at least that is not a worry for me. I have moved back to my parents and are renting out the house (it is mine and nothing to do with him anymore thankfully).
I do feel angry at the moment - everything is just hurting again when I thought I was past all of this pain.

Marjan I haven't had contact with him for 8 days (okay so it's not a huge effort but it's the longest that I have gone without having contact).
I don't want him in my life - the betrayal that I feel at the moment makes me feel ill...
I walk most nights, ride the exercise bike and then there is yoga (which I didn't attend this week because of work - bad mistake!)

I'm still sleeping in small bursts - the dreams are back which horrible.

Perna I do think that I it is my mind/body telling me something both when I am sleeping and when I am awake - I like how you have put it into words

It's Friday here and usually i have a brilliant weekend planned but this time I am exhausted mentally and just want to sleep for the weekend I think.

[Tatyana2009]

Dear one,

I feel for you. I can so understand your emotions and state of mind.

My fiance (now ex) proposed about a year and a half ago, after 5 years of being together, and when it came to it - did not set a date and kept inventing reasons why to delay it. He gradually became more and more abusive. Until I had to leave. I left my home to be safe away from him. Its been 3 weeks and I find it hard but know I am doing the right thing and want to get on with my life.

Mark sounds like a guy who is not good for women. He cheated on you and betrayed and used you in such a way that I think there should be a law section that deems this unlawful. And maybe in some ways there is...

He does not deserve your time and love. And if you think he will be happy and have a healthy relationship with this new woman - you are wrong. He likes the thrill. The excitement. The novelty. When this wears off and his ego does not get petted that often anymore he will be looking for someone else to keep his Ego ok. So please stop worrying yourself. He is not worth it.

You are a wonderful, kind, beautiful woman. Please focus on yourself and accept that for a while it will be hard. But remember - that if you feel low and unhappy - its not necessaarily because you love him or because he is part of you. Its because you are hurt, you grieve, you miss the habit and overcome some dependency. Its a difficult process.

After 3weeks of not talking to my EX, he texted me yesterday. It completely threw me off, just when I thought I was doing better. I accept that I am recovering from trauma and its a process. I think you and me in the same shoes in this respect.

Rather than think - he proposed to her - think - lucky me that we never married. as bad as he was - he would have been 10 times worse had you been married. thats the nature of things.

I wish you well and sending you big hugs. I hope you love yourself well and beyond anything else my sweet xxx

[Belle1979]

Thank you Tatyana
I hope we both get back on our feet and feel wonderful about ourselves again x

[Tatyana2009]

Yes, I am sure it will happen. Just keep reminding yourself that he is a nasty man. You did your best and now its time to let go and move on. Soon you will find a good nice man, and just remember - life without a man is ok too. you get to enjoy being single and doing all the things you cant do when you are with someone

Take care and pm me whenever you want x

[Belle1979]

It's the weekend here and I hope that it will be better than the week... I am so tired from working that hopefully I will sleep a dreamless sleep tonight.
I hate him for what he did but love him for what we had for the first 4 years (thinking year 5 is best forgotten).
I want to scream the questions at him... but I've done that before and just don't believe or trust the answers... so in that way the answers are just what I will chose to believe in the end - and that hurts because it's easier to think the worst.

[seeker1950]

Hi, Belle, hunny, I am so sorry you are going thru this right now. Everyone here is giving you wise, kind, and loving advice. And like them, I also want you to be healed from this hurt, this emotional trauma.
I actually came here to PC years ago for help with such hurt. I rec'd much helpful, straightforward, honest advice (some of which I didn't want to hear!). I'm all well now, and looking back at what I put up with, I'm appalled. I feel nothing, really indifference is the right word, toward the person who was so cruel to me, but the recovery, for me, was very slow and tiresome...going thru the stages of grief, a few steps forward, then backward, then slowly forward again. I wanted to be over it quickly, and wished there was a magic pill I could take to make it all better. Of course, nothing like that exists. I was impatient because it took such time! Time really IS the "great healer," though, and eventually, you will come to view this man with abhorrance.
One thing I know for certain from my own experience is that NO contact with such a person is absolutely necessary to your recovery. Asking him questions and hoping for right answers will only aggravate your wounded heart. I tried that myself, and now, looking back, I realize I just added to my own humiliation and hurt, thus, making the recovery longer.
When you do heal, and you WILL!!!, you will feel revulsion toward this man who wasn't and truly isn't worthy of you.
Love,
Patty

[John25]

That is the difficult part: accepting that you might never get the real answers on the questions because you don't trust his responses anymore. I was in the same 'boat' with my ex few years ago. It is hard to let it go but it is the only way to move on, I think.

You are not alone. Take care of yourself.

Originally Posted by Belle1979

I want to scream the questions at him... but I've done that before and just don't believe or trust the answers... so in that way the answers are just what I will chose to believe in the end - and that hurts because it's easier to think the worst.

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love." ~Neil Gaiman

[marjan]

.....I know it tears up my soul to bleeding but still I want it....yes...I want that stupid person to get to my stupid heart with his stupid smile!

And so it shall be.