[Deborah]

Hello. I'm new to this site. I sat at my computer tonight and searched for help on dealing with life with a terribly difficult man. This is where I ended up. It may not be the right place to be. I don't know. Please tell me if you know of a better place for me. I realize that none of us are totally "normal"...lol....but I don't think I'm too far either way from plumb. But....I find that the man I married was somehow able to fool me for the 6 months prior to our marriage. He was open, effusive, promised intimacy, spoke of common goals, was happy, offered my daughter the promise of a "DAD" who was really excited about having a daughter to love etc. He lived far away. I never saw his home until we moved there a week after our wedding. That's when everything changed. Abruptly. We invaded his space. I believe the man he was pretending to be.....was what he really wanted to be......but he couldn't keep up the facade. When he returned to his home he went back to his safe routine. He is a combination of obsessive/compulsive and passive aggressive. It was painful. It was shocking. He totally blocked us out. Here we were thousands of miles away from the life we had given up....and he could hardly speak to us. He wouldn't respond to touch. He wouldn't touch. He wouldn't talk. It was obvious that it was painful for him to disrupt his environment to make room for us. It was a nightmare. I tried everything I could think of that year. I saw a counselor. I focused on making my daughter's life as wonderful as I could under those circumstances. After a year......I told him we were returning to my house (which luckily I had kept) I told him that I loved him but I just couldn't take living that way. He refused counseling....but did not want to lose me. He actually packed up his things and left his safe environment to join us here. It has been so hard. I do love him. I do see that there is a good man in there....but he does not connect. He is compulsive about things and work and empty as far as relationship goes. He has no curiosity about me or any human. He has curiosity about things. He agrees and admits to his lack of fullfilling his marital and parental promises......but does nothing to change. We never resolve any problem because everything deadends with him. He answers questions with questions.....or "I don't know". He won't give me an anwer about anything. He doesn't like to be touched and he doesn't touch intimately. Over the 3 years......baby steps have been accomplished and he hugs or kisses easily now but there is no sexual intimacy directed to me. He is like a boy. I am just so tired and sad. I have seen myself wither.....literally. Through ultimatums...I was able to get him to go to 3 or 4 counseling sessions with me. Very reluctantly. He has great distain for the profession. He made it painfully clear that he was only going there for me. Not because he needed any help. I realize that for him to actually break down those barriers....therapy is needed but I don't know if he will ever do that. That would mean admitting that he needed help. I guess what I am looking for here is maybe someone who has been in my shoes. Someone that could tell me that sticking it out long enough actually proved fruitful. I'm just so tired.

[heidu]

Deborah,
I am sending you the warmest hug possible right now because I know what you have been thru. I have been there. It was like reading my own words coming out of my mouth. It kinda freaked me out a little and also sadened me because I know how hurt you are feeling, how confusing it has been, and how tired you are.

I am gonna pm you a little later and we'll talk. By the way, you came to the right place :O) Good people here and it's what has gotten me thru alot.
Hugs
Heidu

The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin

[heatherm]

Hello {{{{{{{{{{Deborah}}}}}}}}}}}

Welcome to the boards . You have found a great place to have support and advice as well as learning from so many terrific people.

It is great to know that you are not alone in your struggles and that we are all there for you.

Take care and keep posting.


Heather

"The Pessimist complains about the wind, the Optimist expects it to change and the REALIST adjusts his sails." ~~~author unknown

[Deborah]

I'm still trying to figure out how this site works. I can't seem to find anything that explains what a PM is.....but hopefully a lightbulb will come on at some point. lol Thank you so much for your response. Gosh. It makes me feel hopefull just to hear that someone has experienced something similar to my plight. I have become somewhat isolated by this experience because it is just so bizarre. Knowing that you have been "in my shoes" so to speak.....I am hoping that you have moved on to a healthier and saner place. Actually I'm hopeful that you did it without having to extricate yourself from the situation....but if that's not the case.....I am still anxious to learn what I can from your experiences. Returning the hug to you.....thank you so much for responding. I await the PM.....whatever it is. lol It won't hurt will it?? lol -D

[Deborah]

Yes, it is a good feeling to know that support and advice is available here. Thank you for the welcome. I'm interested to know where the quotations at the bottom of the replies originate. Are they generated automatically from the site or typed by the person posting? -D

[heidu]

A pm is a private message. If you look at the top of your screan you'll see Main Index, Chat, search and then profile and messages. If you click on profile and messages you'll see where you can send a pm or recive one. When you do recieve one you'll see a little envelope flashing to the left of Main index. If you click on that it will take you to your messages. Hope that helps. You haven't gotten one from me yet but I'll send a quickie just to show you a little of how it works.
I'm very busy right now so I dont have alot of time to write but I will send you something later today or tomorrow. I'm in Norway so the time difference is +6-9 hours from the States if that's where you are.

I can't believe someone has been in such a simular situation and at the same time I'm sad because I know you have suffered and it wasn't necessary or fair.
We'll talk soon hon.
Heidu

The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin

[heatherm]

Hi Deborah

The quotes are by the posters themselves. Click on profile and messages...profile and personal information...scroll down to where you see signature....you can add anything you want to in there...images (like I have the Hugs) as well as a favorite quote.

Heidu explained it all about the pm Hope this all helps you some. You can also check out the FAQ section...it explains a bit more about the emoticons/smilies etc Any more questions....give us a shout.


Heather

"The Pessimist complains about the wind, the Optimist expects it to change and the REALIST adjusts his sails." ~~~author unknown

[Deborah]

Thanks for the explanation Heather. -D

[daffadil]

I think it's great you found this site, it has really helped me a lot. I was kind of looking for someone who had been in my shoes too, I haven't found anyone yet, but it's still great to get another perspective on things, and everyone here is so great and will give you there honest opinion and insite. I don't really understand your situation, I have never heard of anyone acting the way your husband is. But if he's not willing to get therapy, then how can you go on the way you are? It must be awful for you. Sorry if that seemed insensitive I know you can't just turn off your feelings for him, I know you see a good person in him. Good luck, my thoughts are with you.

[Willow]

Hi Deborah,
My my... you are a patient lady. You have extended a lot of grace towards your husband. You must truly love him. I wish he would show a little more willingness to get help. As a fellow OCDer, I can vouch for the wonders that medication and therapy have done for me. Unfortunately, I can't give you much help in the marital advice realm. I haven't ever been married and do so much better by myself. Roommates even drive me crazy. I have to have a personal space that is all my own that I can retreat to. Does your hubby had a place he can hide? You cant' let him hide in there all the time, but that might help him be less frightened if he knows he has a room that only he goes to and is his haven. It was just a thought. I still think that his attitude toward therapy will need to change in order to make much progress. I wish he could find a friend that could lead him there. That's what happened to me. I was paranoid of psychology and part of my OCD was acted out in religious scrupulocity. It took hitting quite a brick wall for me to seek out help. Then I only sought help from christian pastors online. Fortunately, I ran into a couple of pastors who were able to identify my plight, gain my trust, and give me some direction out. I wish the best for you and your daughter. I am so sorry you have found yourself in such a situation. *HUGS* if wanted.

[Deborah]

No. I did not find your message to be insensitive. It's exactly the response I would expect from anyone who had not experienced this strange life I am leading. Hence.....my isolation. I would never have understood it myself if I had heard of someone in that situation 3 years ago. I guess that I continue on for several reasons. I love him. I recognize that he is incapable of "normal" connection because of some root cause. This man feels no joy. How sad is that? I am hopeful that one day he will be able to explore the cause of his painful existance and be willing to accept help. I feel that despite the pain it is causing me, it would ultimately make me feel worse about myself to abandon or withdraw my love from someone who is doing the best he can at this time. I am obviously strong enough to do without the "normal" emotional/physical connections I should be receivning from a husband.........otherwise I would have bailed a long time ago. There are just times like this when wanting and missing those things comes to the forefront. Sigh.

[Deborah]

Yes. I think that the first year spent with him......he was wishing that his solitary, safe environment had not been breached. I think though that he has made progress in that his safe environment now is this home that he shares with us. He's still basically a "boarder" here....but it's not as bad as it used to be. He does have his space. He does spend most of his time there. I don't let him hide all the time and he is now comfortable with me entering and spending time there with him. Friends? No. I am his best friend I think. I don't think that he has ever let anyone close enough to recognize that he isn't capable or willing to actually connect......yet. lol Ever hopeful. I pray that someday he will accept therapy. I want him to experience emotions.

[Willow]

Deborah, It sounds as if you are doing all you can. It may take a crisis to get him out of his safe zone and to a place where he can find help. My biggest piece of advice for you is that you don't protect him to the extent he doesn't have to find help. Do some studying on codependency and learn all you can so you do not fall into that trap. On the other hand, you may be called to help him. It's a delicate balance. I hope you have a counselor for yourself. I really feel for you.

[Sam]

Hi Deborah and welcome. I have to say - this is a great site and has a lot of wonderful people all willing to lend an ear to anyone in need. So I think you've come to a great place. I hope you find something here to help you.

As for what is normal - I don't know. I think, that what one may find normal another might not so - maybe we each have our own defination of what is normal.

I have issues with trust. It comes from all the lies my ex heaped upon me. But I try not to hold everyone accountable for her actions. I thought it important to tell you that, because it seems to me your husband wasn't all that honest with you from the begining.

Maybe he just wanted someone to take care of the house, or maybe he just couldn't stand the silence of being alone in the house. I don't know - perhaps it was something else entirely.

I just know, for a person to change so rapidly usually means they have not been honest with who they really are. And that can be a very scarey thing for you, because you have not only yourself to think about, but a daughter. And she is your first concern.

It sounds like he has issues and these issues have now become yours - and your daughters. It worry's me to see you thinking it is you, when it is so clear it is him. I hope he seeks help, but, this is something you may or may not be able to help him on. I just know that unless he is willing to do this for himself - then it will come for naught.

And the thing I am concerned with - unless things change and change for the better - how is this going to effect you and your daughter?

I don't mean to be negative or to try and scare you sweetie - I'm just concerned. Please - whatever you do - do what is right for you.

Your friend Sam

Anyone can say I love you, but actions speak louder than words.

[Deborah]

Thank you Willow for the advice. I am trying very hard not to fall into the codependency trap. You're not kidding when you say it's a delicate balance. Sooo easy to let the frustration get the better of me and then I respond in anger instead of a position of calm resolve. I do have a counselor. When I am feeling strong I take a break from her but the door is always open for me to return. Thanks again. -D

[Deborah]

Thank you for the welcome and for your concern Sam. My gut feeling about the initial misrepresentation of his "self"........is that it wasn't a deliberate lie. 2 different counselors tend to agree. We might all be wrong of course but for now, that is what I hang my hope on I guess. I believe that for those months.....he was somehow able to come out from behind those huge barriers he had lived behind for years and project what he truely wanted to be. Like I said.....it wasn't something that he could sustain. For that he does need therapy and yes I do know that it won't ever work unless HE decides he wants to go through it. As for your concerns about my daughter. That of course has been my biggest concern also. If this had all taken place when she was of an age where it impacted her more.....I would have immediately extracted both of us from the situation. As it is.....she is in the teen years where her focus is on everything but family. If you don't have a teen....you may not really understand what I am saying. lol I take great pains to be there for her just as much as I ever was as a single mom and I am vigilant about not letting him impact her negatively. Does having to deal with him wear me down and deplete emotional resources that would normally be available for my daughter? Yes. Sometimes.....however....like I said....she is at an age where she is not actively inviting mom's involvement anyway. So far.....I feel like I have that part of it under control. Thanks again for your input. -D