If you are divorsed with kids, I need some advice please

I am thinking of getting divorsed next year, what should I do to prepare for this emotionally and financially? Or any other advice would be great. My kids are 9 and 10 and I have been married 12 years. Thanks. I am also in therapy.

I'm divorced, but have no kids.

A few questions: Does your husband know that you are thinking about getting divorced? Are you able to support yourself and your kids without his help, if need be?

No, I don't plan on telling my DH until I get everything together as much as possiable. I have been a SAHM for 10 years, so I would need to find a job and get a car.

I don't have much to say right now. I'm not married or have kids, but I just wanted to say that I'm here for you no matter what.

I don't know if I should really be dishing any advice but can relate to you circumstance.

Having separated in 11/04 then divorcing in 8/5 with 4 children I know what struggle it's been so far.

Finacially, try to save as much money as possible- you may need to replace things the ex gets to take.

Emotionally I think would vary whether you are the rejector or the rejectee but I think it's important to try and set aside your emotions before making decisions .

I did make my future a prority, child support won't last forever and I need to secure my life beyond children. I have always worked and quite my job making 30 per year to go to college as a FT student- I'm getting a BA.

So I guess I'm saying plan why ahead and make choices with an end in mind.

Been there and done it, have the tee shirt and the dvd too. I went to my solicitor first of all and cited the reason why I was wanting to end my marriage, i.e., the mental abuse he was putting me thru. I personally didnt want anything for my self but I wanted to make sure that my children were provided for and that he got to see them on a regular basis. every other weekend and every other school holidays and christmas. This was all given to him the day I left and i told him the night before why i was going. It was awful, but its then that I realised that I am actually a strong person and deserve to have a decent happy life.............. good luck and my thoughts are with you.

Well, I don't know the extent of your circumstances, but my observation is that the more you do behind his back now, the more angry the divorce recipient gets at the surprise. I think it would be a good idea to mention this to your therapist, if you haven't already, to find ways to break the news gently over time so that he isn't suprised.

One common complaint from single moms post-divorce is that they never get as much child support and involvement from the father as they feel entitled to. I won't go into my personal opinions about that (because my opinion is VERY unpopular among single moms!) but if I were in that situation, I'd want to do everything in my power to expect to be completely self-sufficient instead of relying upon child support and/or alimony. The financial expectations cause a lot of heartache and are painfully apparent to the children, no matter how good of an actor you are. Therefore, in the ideal world, you would expect nothing but be happy when you get what you've agreed to. Easier said than done, though. I know it's not fair, but nothing is, and I think that most single dads feel pretty wronged, themselves.

I agree with you LMo in regards to the child support.

No amout will be enough and the time spent won't compenstate either. In my personal experience I sued for spousal support above and beyond child support to get me through college. I spent 11 years devoting my time to a marriage that was a fraud from the beginning- turns out he's gay!!

Single moms and/or dads are just preparing their 'little adults' to leave the nest and need see beyond support and prepare, educate or whatever the case may be.

The difficult thing is that if you are in therapy- depending on how vengeful he is, he may try to take the kids and/or make your life extremely miserable.

like- Over reacting to your normal levels of concern about things and making you feel more unstable than you really are. Be careful.

Not to mention the stereotypes that you will have to deal with along with a gradual reduction in the number of people who remain your friend. (Although you will make new ones)

I would really think about where you are, and where you could be before leaving. I'm new here- so I don't know- but if he's abusive- don't let him continue to push your buttons after you leave.

Well I do appreciate everyones responses so far, they have really given me things to think about. He is not abusive to me, or do I expect him to retalilate against me either, this would be his 2nd divorse with kids, so judging on his last divorse, I believe I will be okay.
I am having 2nd thoughts about it anyways due to financial reasons. I have a great deal of freedom right now financially and time wise too. If I get a divorse, I would need to get a full time job to cover medical expenses, plus I homeschool, and I believe their quality of education would be greatly affected.

Can I still stay married but be divorced in therory? There is no sex or emotional connection any more. At least stay married for about 5 more years until my kids can stay at home by themselves so I can work, or at least until they go to high school.
It just seems to me I would have to give many of the activities that have brought me great joy in the last couple of months. I couldn't afford the activities or have the time if I am working full time outside the home. I guess I have a lot to think about. How do you live with someone in a marriage which is dead? Do I see it as he is my roommate? An arranged marriage for the sake of raising kids. He is a good father, just not a good husband anymore.

Honestly, based on this last post you made, I think you are being VERY unfair to your husband. You're basically asking if you can use him so that you can continue to enjoy the financial security he provides, without you having to "give up" the things that are fun and relaxing for you. It seems rather selfish to me. You're going to have to ask your HUSBAND if you can stay married but be divorced in theory. I seriously doubt how he'd find that to be fair to him.

I guess I see what you mean, maybe I should explain the whole story. We have been married 12 years, rocky sometimes, but overall okay. Well last summer he had a women he works with come on to him on a business trip. He said he resisted, but that he did have confusing feeling, because he has grown close to her due to her illness that he helped support her.
Well he only admitted this to me after a couple of months of refusing sex and being distant. I tried everything I could to get him to come out of his shell.
Well one night he had a little too much to drink (he doesn't normally drink), well he confessed this about the other women. He said nothing happened and she got embarrested and quit her job. Things actually started to impove a little for a couple of weeks. Then he became distant again and he didn't want me sexually. Well one day I went to pick him up at work, and this women was there. He didn't tell me she came back.

So things have been declining since this Feb. I have tried writing letter, talking to him, everything I can to get him to open up to me. I want to know about what is going with this women. He won't talk about it. He refused to do any kind of counceling, individual, or marriage.
Through the help therapy, I have been doing things that I stopped doing since I was married, that brought me a lot of joy. I am exercising every day, practiceing yoga, playing the trumpet after 15 years of quiting, playing in 2 university bands, taking master gardening classes, and being more social. My life has changed, my T is very happy to see me being myself for the first time in years. Everything is going great, except my marriage.

I want my husband back, but I can't make him love me or care about me, if he doesn't . I can't make him do therapy. I don't know what to do. We haven't had sex in over 8 months. My T wants me to make some ultimatiums, either be my husband, or do therapy, or I will leave him. My T says I deserve to be loved. I agree, I have had enough.
But then you have the whole thing about divorse and my kids, etc. I feel like I am stuck in a hard place. I know we should separate, but yet my life will go downhill in a lot of ways.
I feel he has left me already, but is still staying married to me. Yes I know I derserve more than this. But it seems like the negative out weighs the positive in getting a divorse. There a lot of couples who stay together even in unhappy marriages, for a variety of reasons. I just wonder if I am able to do this, at least until my kids are older. Does this help? I really am not cold hearted. I love my DH very much, but it really hurts when they don't love you back, and if they are cheating on you.

Well, that's a more helpful explanation, but I seriously don't think you can have it both ways. You're right -- you can't make him open up to you, but using someone is just as wrong as being cheated on. Yes, your life of leisure will go downhill if you get divorced, but your dignity, honor, and sense of responsibility will remain more intact than if you use him the way you are proposing.

Most importantly, what kind of example would you be setting for your kids?

I feel like I am the one who has been used here. Cheating on me, neglecting me, and refusing to work out our marriage. What about him and the example he is setting for the kids? I have tried to do everything to save the marriage. I may not work outside the home,but I do have a big job, schooling the kids, cleaning the house, doing all the yard work, I basically do EVERYTHING to do with the house and the kids. I am not just sitting around doing whatever I want. Just never mind, I don't need this. I feel I am doing the best think for my kids and for me at least for 4 or 5 more years.

Hey listen - I didn't mean to upset you. Sorry about that. I have been in a bad habit of doing that lately. I don't know you or your situation very well. I'm sure you're a great mom. I'm just reacting to the facts that you presented here. You're already in therapy -- I'm sure you'll make the right decision. We're all a bunch of amateurs here, so take anything said here with a grain of salt. Ok? I'm sorry!

It's okay, I am sorry I am a little sensitive to all of this. Two weeks ago I told my T I am going to get a sepapartion in '06. I kept that idea for 2 weeks, and now I am rethinking it all. It is so hard "leave " someone who you invested 12 years with and have two great kids. Why is he just allowing our marriage to go to pot? I just don't get it. My T says my life can be so much better, but I am looking at it like it could get a whole lot worse.

You're right- it is a big choice to leave. I'm sorry to be spouted my circumstances but on the same token understand what you're going through.

After 11 years, I found my H in a variety of relationships and he asked me if I wanted to stay together in some 'arrangement' but I DO deserve better.

I have always worked FT and recently quit my job, so essential today I have half the income I had durning the first year of my separation.

It was worth it to me. I have to make sacrifices but I'm now at home FT where I used to work outside the home FT-so it can be done. Honestly, it's amazing what you can do once jump into a new siuation.

I will also say that it's not fair to you, your spouse or your children to stay in a relationship for finacial security. To me it's telling your children it's ok to sacrific happiness for the sake of comfort.

Have you been able to ask your husband something like "Why are we married? Why are you married to me?". Will he talk at all about feelings and emotions?

Plenty of couples do live married but divorced, they present a reasonably public picture of being married but at home are distant roommates. It is an option, what is most important is the safety and well being of yourself and your children.

I divorced my husband when our son was young. It was a scary but ultimately very good decision. But I won't put anyone down for deciding to stay either.

Do you keep a journal? Along with the therapy you are in, seems like writing down your thoughts regularly might help. Even the pros and cons of your choices.

Best wishes!