[LexieZ19]

My best friend recently passed away. I promised to take care of her daughter like she was my own, and her mom had me taking care of her in her will. Her husband and she were divorced because he was abusive. She's 14 and has become a little hard to handle. I am going on Thursday to talk to her therapist (who deals with grief and body image) but wanted to get any other ideas first.

She had a checkup the other day at the doctors office and what she said to me alarmed me. Towards the end the doctor asked me to come back to sign papers because my husband and I are her new legal guardians etc. My 14 year old left to go use the restroom and she said that she is concerned about her for a few reasons. She is developing very slowly and is not on track to start her period within the next two years. The doctor says that she is too thin and needs to gain some weight before she will be on track to develop on time. She's 5'1 and about 86 pounds. The other day her cheer coach approached me and said that she was worried she was getting too thin, her coach has been involved in sports medicine and other things like that. Interesting enough her figure skating coach also told me she is concerned about her development and said she is the first girl she has ever coached that she told needed to gain weight. I am going to talk to her therapist about this, but does anyone have any other ideas besides laying down the law. I often let her get away with saying "I'm not hungry." but I am not sure if I am going to be able to allow that every single time. Her mom had really bad anorexia which her doctor said could have been genetically passed down.

[Omers]

ED is usually about control so laying down the law may be counter productive. Please be careful.

[shezbut]

(((LexieZ19)))

I agree with Omers. Laying down the law could make things a lot worse.

Hopefully, the therapist and your friend's daughter will be able to work through these issues together and things will improve.

You are a wonderful best friend to have. Kudos to you for being there physically and emotionally for her daughter!! I am blown away ~ just felt compelled to tell you that. I hope that your relationship with your friend's daughter continues to grow and that you both enjoy having each other for love and support.

[LexieZ19]

(Add on to previous post)
My best friend recently passed away. I promised to take care of her daughter like she was my own, her daughter was willed to me and my husband. She's 14 and has become a little hard to handle. I am going on Thursday to talk to her therapist (who deals with grief and body image) but wanted to get any other ideas first.

Today I ran into two problems with her. I had grounded her from her boyfriend because I had caught her almost naked with him twice. I went to her room to ask her if she wanted to bring a friend with her to dinner tonight. Her door was open and I saw her naked in her bed sky ping her boyfriend. She hung up then I explained to her that she should not be doing that because he could post the videos or pictures on the internet. I then told her she should have more self respect then that.

The second problem was that I found diet pills in her bathroom. I was cleaning it for her when she was at tumbling practice and found a bottle of them. She is dangerously thin already and should not be taking them (She is 5'2 86 pounds). I confiscated them and told her sternly she should not be taking them and that I Was going to have to tell her therapist.

[unaluna]

Like she was your own, means what is best for her, what her mom would do if she were still here. Man, I am thinking boarding school (before she gets herself pregnant), but I don't know if that would be better or worse, if even possible. God bless you for doing this.

[losingit60]

It is very hard what you are doing and I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you. I can tell you that my daughter was 15 when I was throwing her a birthday party shortly after her father and I separated and I caught her in bed with one of the boys that was at the party! I was furious and in a bad situation because I knew that she was partly doing this because she was angry at her father for leaving, but was also confused about sex in general. I called the boys father and made the boy leave and the following day I had a talk with my daughter. Years later she told me that she doesn't remember one thing that I said except that she was going to give herself a reputation of a slut if she continued to do the things she was doing.
Girls are not easy (I can say this because I have one of each) but with lots of patience and prayers you will get through it. She's very angry right now and probably feels that you are only taking care of her because you have to - find a way to make her understand that you love her and what to give her the kind of live that her parents wanted her to have. Let her know that you understand how she feels and that it's ok for her to be angry. Just be there for her.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by LexieZ19

(Add on to previous post)
My best friend recently passed away. I promised to take care of her daughter like she was my own, her daughter was willed to me and my husband. She's 14 and has become a little hard to handle. I am going on Thursday to talk to her therapist (who deals with grief and body image) but wanted to get any other ideas first.

Today I ran into two problems with her. I had grounded her from her boyfriend because I had caught her almost naked with him twice. I went to her room to ask her if she wanted to bring a friend with her to dinner tonight. Her door was open and I saw her naked in her bed sky ping her boyfriend. She hung up then I explained to her that she should not be doing that because he could post the videos or pictures on the internet. I then told her she should have more self respect then that.

The second problem was that I found diet pills in her bathroom. I was cleaning it for her when she was at tumbling practice and found a bottle of them. She is dangerously thin already and should not be taking them (She is 5'2 86 pounds). I confiscated them and told her sternly she should not be taking them and that I Was going to have to tell her therapist.

my opinion this teen just lost her mom and is now thrust into a home that to her probably doesnt feel like home and now heres this person trying to take over and replace her dead mother.

and now this person walked in the teens bedroom and sees her naked while chatting with a boyfriend..

and also from a teens point of view here you are invading her bathroom space and lecturing her on diet pills and threating to tell her therapist.

first I wouldnt have walked into a teens bedroom male female relative or not someones bedroom is their own space... knocking first is what I would have done, even if the door was open. I would not want any teen just walking in to my bedroom without knocking and waiting to be invited in.

that bedroom may be in a family home but its now her space to make it what ever she wants the room to be, and where she can let her hair down, cry, laugh be naked, be clothed whatever she feels like it.

After knocking and being invited in should she have been naked on the computer skyping I would have said... excuse me, Im sorry to interupt an obviously private moment. Could you please come to the family room, living room kitchen. I would like to talk with you about dinner tonight and a few other things.

then when she came out of her space (the bedroom) and to where ever designated, apologizing again for the interruption and ask the dinner question because that was the reason for the interruption.

Then I would explain to her teens being naked online, teens sending naked pictures and movies online is called "Sexting" (texting sexualized chats, pictures and movies). its now illegal for teens to be naked online, pass naked pictures to each other and send sexualized pictures to each other.

Then tell her politely that any time she wants to be naked in her room alone is ok because thats now her space to do with what she wants, but being naked with someone in her room and online is not allowed.

then give her the opportunity to ask you any questions about the rules of the house, relationships/ sex and what have you.

the pills I would have also done this differently too. first I would not have told her I had to inform her therapist. what goes on between a therapist and their client is between their therapist and client. would you want your friends and family running to your therapist if they found something they didnt approve of in your bathroom. your bathroom is your private space.

I would have told the teen I was cleaning the house today, since your bathroom is in this house I cleaned it and found your diet pills. explain to her there are healthy ways to maintain good healthy weight range with a healthy diet and exercise. Ask she if she would like to help plan the meal menus. (this will give you the opportunity to teach her how to cook and follow a healthy diet without diet pills. planning and cooking meals together is a natural and great way to bond with this teen too.)

you can also ask her if she minds you beginning therapy with her therapist so that you may have help transitioning into being a parent figure for her. let her know you cared for her mom and you are not looking to take over her moms place and memory. But you would like some help with your own problems so that you can honor her mom request to the best of your abilities.

offer to attend family therapy with her too so that the two of you have a way to work out any conflicts that may arise during this transition that you both are going through.

You might also want to give a warning to the teen about cleaning too..such as.. oh yea Im going to be cleaning today while you are out, should I include your bedroom and bathroom or should I leave that for you?

most teens will either say no Ill do it and rush up and get it done before you find those condoms, girly, or boy magazines, birth control, bras undies, briefs and other perceived as unmentionables to parents items. or they will tell you sure clean my room/bathroom and go hide those unmentionables so you dont have to see them out in the open.

Teens are on the verge of becoming women and men. I find the best way to be with them is treat them like young ladies and young men who if given the chance, and respect their space, will turn out to be police and responsible people.

[Caretaker Leo]

Lexie, I think you are doing all the right things! Teenage girls are tough to deal with (I remember how awful I was)! While she might be going through a difficult time with losing her mom - your job is now to be a parent to her. Not to be her friend, but to be an adult who provides the guidance that young people need.

I think someday she will thank you for what you are doing.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by amandalouise

my opinion this teen just lost her mom and is now thrust into a home that to her probably doesnt feel like home and now heres this person trying to take over and replace her dead mother.

and now this person walked in the teens bedroom and sees her naked while chatting with a boyfriend..

and also from a teens point of view here you are invading her bathroom space and lecturing her on diet pills and threating to tell her therapist.

first I wouldnt have walked into a teens bedroom male female relative or not someones bedroom is their own space... knocking first is what I would have done, even if the door was open. I would not want any teen just walking in to my bedroom without knocking and waiting to be invited in.

that bedroom may be in a family home but its now her space to make it what ever she wants the room to be, and where she can let her hair down, cry, laugh be naked, be clothed whatever she feels like it.

After knocking and being invited in should she have been naked on the computer skyping I would have said... excuse me, Im sorry to interupt an obviously private moment. Could you please come to the family room, living room kitchen. I would like to talk with you about dinner tonight and a few other things.

then when she came out of her space (the bedroom) and to where ever designated, apologizing again for the interruption and ask the dinner question because that was the reason for the interruption.

Then I would explain to her teens being naked online, teens sending naked pictures and movies online is called "Sexting" (texting sexualized chats, pictures and movies). its now illegal for teens to be naked online, pass naked pictures to each other and send sexualized pictures to each other.

Then tell her politely that any time she wants to be naked in her room alone is ok because thats now her space to do with what she wants, but being naked with someone in her room and online is not allowed.

then give her the opportunity to ask you any questions about the rules of the house, relationships/ sex and what have you.

the pills I would have also done this differently too. first I would not have told her I had to inform her therapist. what goes on between a therapist and their client is between their therapist and client. would you want your friends and family running to your therapist if they found something they didnt approve of in your bathroom. your bathroom is your private space.

I would have told the teen I was cleaning the house today, since your bathroom is in this house I cleaned it and found your diet pills. explain to her there are healthy ways to maintain good healthy weight range with a healthy diet and exercise. Ask she if she would like to help plan the meal menus. (this will give you the opportunity to teach her how to cook and follow a healthy diet without diet pills. planning and cooking meals together is a natural and great way to bond with this teen too.)

you can also ask her if she minds you beginning therapy with her therapist so that you may have help transitioning into being a parent figure for her. let her know you cared for her mom and you are not looking to take over her moms place and memory. But you would like some help with your own problems so that you can honor her mom request to the best of your abilities.

offer to attend family therapy with her too so that the two of you have a way to work out any conflicts that may arise during this transition that you both are going through.

You might also want to give a warning to the teen about cleaning too..such as.. oh yea Im going to be cleaning today while you are out, should I include your bedroom and bathroom or should I leave that for you?

most teens will either say no Ill do it and rush up and get it done before you find those condoms, girly, or boy magazines, birth control, bras undies, briefs and other perceived as unmentionables to parents items. or they will tell you sure clean my room/bathroom and go hide those unmentionables so you dont have to see them out in the open.

Teens are on the verge of becoming women and men. I find the best way to be with them is treat them like young ladies and young men who if given the chance, and respect their space, will turn out to be police and responsible people.

I appreciate your thoughts here, but mmmm.... no.

While this child - note child - should be approached with empathy, her actions could prove to be quite damaging to her in both the long and short term. The most caring and responsible thing you can do for her is to try and protect her from herself.

As a parent (willed or otherwise) you have got to be able to simultaneously identify with and wrangle this youngster.

IMO, the best thing with teens is don't threaten - do.

Take the door off her room.
Search every single day for diet pills.
Take away the computer, cell phone etc..
Drive her to school and back and that's it.
No more of this "boyfriend". Period. Get a restraining order if you have to.
*Sit* on her if you have to.

She's full of grief, obviously hates herself, and likely feels way way way out of control (obviously).

You can provide that safety and those limits in a gentle, persistent, loving manner.

But you gotta step up to the plate here and be a parent.

[elliemay]

Also, while I'm on the subject (obviously this is important to me), I would really really really try to avoid even thinking that "this is my best friend's daughter".

One thing that kids of all ages are is perceptive. Even if you think this under your breath, she will detect it and it will only reinforce her loneliness, poor sense of self worth and self-destruction.

If you're going to engage with this child, do so fully and with courage. She deserves it.

This child's mother passed away, but she did not. She can have a long and glorious life ahead of her.

[amandalouise]

I work with all ages of kids. the youngest that Social services brings to us is months old and the oldest client we have is 92.

we have many teen agers here and teen groups on many things including death and transitioning to new situations because of death of a parent.

all say the same thing - come on like a hardass, Im the adult and Im now your parent and what I say goes and Im going to tattle on you to your teacher, doctors, therapists and psychiatrists is one sure way to push a teen ager away and make them fight the situation and fight the rules.

think about you at 14 yrs old. no matter the situation - having a boyfriend cerfews, what you can and cant do in your own bedroom and bathroom, what you could do with your friends.. did adults not your parents try to step in and tell you what you should and shouldnt be doing and how to do things? now be honest what was that first thought while they were coming at you in teen terms like a hard asseed b@#$ch, or MF.

when non parents come at teens teling them what to do and how to behave and all that they start fuming, shutting the lecture and talk out and thinking just STFU your not my mother.

(this poster is not the parent they are the teens "Guardian" until the poster legally adopts the dead friends teenager they are not legally nor ethically considered the teens "parent" in the USA. the term is guardian not parent.)

so now add to that humiliation of being a 14 yr old teen recieving a lecture on how to behave from someone not their parent the fact that this person saw them in the nude, (did you feel comfortable being naked in front of adults when you were a teen just filling out in the private areas on your body?)

now again put yourself into a 14 yr old teen ager.. you and your puberty ranged body just got caught naked and receiving a lecture on how to behave and on top of those two humiliating things this person who is not your mother and not your father is saying they are going to run tattling to your therapist about you.

now on top of that humilation you dont even have the comfort of doing what they teach in schools for situations if kids find they are feeling uncomfortable, humiliated or upset by any one that approaches a child in the form of physical, sexual or emotionally abusive situaitons (yes teens consider being humiliated by adults to be abusive) - say no, go to your parents and tell..

this teens parent is dead so she is stuck in a situation where there is no escape.. when there is no physical escape from percieved danger what happens? (whether or not is is doesnt matter the teen may feel that way)

dissociation, behavior problems escollate, depression (oh wait this teen is probably already extremely depressed because her parent died recently) change that to possible suicidal thoughts and actions.

the key is to do whats best for the child.. not make things harder and more upsetting.

no Im not saying be her BFF.

Im saying how the poster handled the situation isnt how we handle this kind of situaiton where I live and work.

teens arent children you can come on like a hard *** with. they are not 5 yrs old where you ccan say this is how it is, because I say so.

and they arent adults so you cant let them have free rein either.

each situation warrents different things. this particular situation a death of the parent, teen has to live with someone not the parent nor family and most learn new rules and how to do things.

instead of treating them like you would a 5 yr old treat them like a teen ager -

respect their body and space for what it is - their bodies and their space.. and teach them the rules in a kind, non threatening manner and never black male them with threats of disclosing their negative behaviors to friends, family, teachers, therapists, doctors as a way to get them to conform to your standards of appropriate behaviors.

treat the 14yr old like you would have wanted someone to treat you if this had happened to you when you were 14.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by elliemay

I appreciate your thoughts here, but mmmm.... no.

While this child - note child - should be approached with empathy, her actions could prove to be quite damaging to her in both the long and short term. The most caring and responsible thing you can do for her is to try and protect her from herself.

As a parent (willed or otherwise) you have got to be able to simultaneously identify with and wrangle this youngster.

IMO, the best thing with teens is don't threaten - do.

Take the door off her room.
Search every single day for diet pills.
Take away the computer, cell phone etc..
Drive her to school and back and that's it.
No more of this "boyfriend". Period. Get a restraining order if you have to.
*Sit* on her if you have to.

She's full of grief, obviously hates herself, and likely feels way way way out of control (obviously).

You can provide that safety and those limits in a gentle, persistent, loving manner.

But you gotta step up to the plate here and be a parent.

you might want to look up information about

child pornography
endangering the welfare of a child
child trafficing
emotional abuse of a child or minor under the age of 18
physical abuse of a child or minor under the age of 18
sexual abuse of a child or minor under the age of 18
contributing to the delinquency of a minor.

reason I say this is because that is what the laws in the United States of America considers your list of what you think the poster should do is.

how do I know this...

I am a therapist in NY state which is in the USA.
I work with children, teens and adults.

Many of my clients come from many states, and have been in many foster care systems around the USA.
I also have to testify in court on child abuse cases.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by elliemay

I appreciate your thoughts here, but mmmm.... no.

While this child - note child - should be approached with empathy, her actions could prove to be quite damaging to her in both the long and short term. The most caring and responsible thing you can do for her is to try and protect her from herself.

As a parent (willed or otherwise) you have got to be able to simultaneously identify with and wrangle this youngster.

IMO, the best thing with teens is don't threaten - do.

Take the door off her room.
Search every single day for diet pills.
Take away the computer, cell phone etc..
Drive her to school and back and that's it.
No more of this "boyfriend". Period. Get a restraining order if you have to.
*Sit* on her if you have to.

She's full of grief, obviously hates herself, and likely feels way way way out of control (obviously).

You can provide that safety and those limits in a gentle, persistent, loving manner.

But you gotta step up to the plate here and be a parent.

here in the USA when a minor has lost their parent the new caretaker is called a guardian not parent. they can become the new parent by going through an adoption process.

also where you are a 14yr old may be considered a "child" and where you are there may be a one size fits all when caring for children of all aging without taking into consideration to individual situations, and those that take over the care of children of all ages are considered to be parents regardless of the relationship of the "child" to the care taker and in your location it is believed the heavier hand/strick/firm inflexible parenting the better and not show any empathy for others including those that have recently watched their mother or father die...

here in the USA a 14yr old is called a teen ager not a child and here the legally approved way to raise teen agers is differently than you would raise a baby infant toddler child.

we respect them as human beings capable of discussing things that pertain to them and helping to plan their activities and helping to find solutions to problems.

in parenting classes, family therapy and individual therapy here in the usa the family unit in this case the teen and the guardians learn how to discuss and work out problems including teen behavior problems, to reach solutions that fit each individual situation.

we dont assume the teens are clones of their parents, friends, others, we treat them as individuals and work the problems as individuals.

we also take into consideration situations like death and where the minor has to relocate out of their parents home and into someone elses home where they have to learn a whole new way of life and rules.

we teach with guidance and love not an iron fist, humiliating and threatening the teens.

this 14 yr old has already been humiliated (place yourself in a 14 yr old girls body)

to put it bluntly no 14 yr old with a body just developing breasts and pubic hair is comfortable being seen by adults who walk in their bedrooms or the bathroom while they are naked.

in fact there are laws that say in some states and cases this is considered sexual abuse and care takers like parent, baby sitters and such can spend years in jail for this.

which is why I suggested knocking before entering a teens private space and allowing the teen to get dressed and taking the conversation to a different room.

[Elysium]

Originally Posted by LexieZ19

(Add on to previous post)
My best friend recently passed away. I promised to take care of her daughter like she was my own, her daughter was willed to me and my husband. She's 14 and has become a little hard to handle. I am going on Thursday to talk to her therapist (who deals with grief and body image) but wanted to get any other ideas first.

Today I ran into two problems with her. I had grounded her from her boyfriend because I had caught her almost naked with him twice. I went to her room to ask her if she wanted to bring a friend with her to dinner tonight. Her door was open and I saw her naked in her bed sky ping her boyfriend. She hung up then I explained to her that she should not be doing that because he could post the videos or pictures on the internet. I then told her she should have more self respect then that.

The second problem was that I found diet pills in her bathroom. I was cleaning it for her when she was at tumbling practice and found a bottle of them. She is dangerously thin already and should not be taking them (She is 5'2 86 pounds). I confiscated them and told her sternly she should not be taking them and that I Was going to have to tell her therapist.

Well....okay, you've gotten some good suggestions, and not so good suggestions, imo. I'll toss mine into the pile and you can take what you think will work best and leave out the rest.

First thing....yelling, or any other type of verbal aggression is not going to work with Teens...it will only set them off and push them further away. Let her know you understand she needs/wants privacy, and that it is as important to you as it is for her to feel like she has some privacy, but at the same time you are responsible for her physical and emotional well being and you will not see that compromised by anyone, including herself. If she is skyping her boyfriend in the nude, it is time to take the computer OUT of the bedroom and relocate it to a more public area of the home, like the living, kitchen, or dining room. Chances are she won't be so quick to strip nekked for this guy if she knows she's going to be putting on a show for everyone. The only reason she does it now is because she can. I, personally, don't agree with taking the door off of her room because a person, even a child, has a right to privacy. A happy medium needs to be found, or attempted to be found and having a place where she can go and be alone safely is important. If you remove her door, she could just rebel and spend more private time OUTSIDE the house doing who knows what with who knows who.

You mentioned the diet pills, and that she is in tumbling. I would be cautious with this. Diet pills can have very bad affects on the body, which it sounds like you know, but also some can damage your heart. Does she have a tumbling coach? If she does, you may want to inquire with the Coach whether he is encouraging her in any way to take these "diet" pills, as a way to manage her weight to meet a certain weight class to participate in her sport. If he is, you need to let the Coach know that you do not agree with this and that she is to cease this behavior immediately. If Coach is pushing the idea on her, he needs to step up and tell her she needs to knock it off. If Coach refuses, tell her that she stops taking them or she stops tumbling...period. If she wants to continue in her sport she needs to do what is healthy for her body. Diet pills are not the answer.

As far as "telling" her therapist....this attitude is dangerous. A person, especially a Teen who has just gone through trauma, needs to feel that safe connection to their T. They need to feel that THEY have some control in how the relationship plays out and they need to know that T is there for them. By turning this into an "I'm gonna tell" game, you are putting her in fear of that relationship becoming damaged and causing her to worry that the T may now be "on your side" as opposed to most interested in Teens best interest. Yes, T should probably know, but I think a better way to go about this would be to let her know that you feel it is important for her T to know that she is consuming these pills and state that you will contact her T to have a joint session...TOGETHER...where you all can sit and discuss it. This way, she will, hopefully, feel that you're not attempting to sabotage her relationship with her T, but that you are attempting to allow her to have a say and have a voice and work it out together. This could benefit her in that she will feel more supported by you and instead of making you the bad guy, for telling on her, you will be looked upon more favorably and you could build some trust here with her.

I also would like to suggest that maybe you get into some sort of classes, like Human Development, that focuses on childhood and teen years, as this could only help you to understand the life she currently faces. If you can understand it, you will more likely be able to build a trusting relationship with her.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by amandalouise

you might want to look up information about

child pornography
endangering the welfare of a child
child trafficing
emotional abuse of a child or minor under the age of 18
physical abuse of a child or minor under the age of 18
sexual abuse of a child or minor under the age of 18
contributing to the delinquency of a minor.

reason I say this is because that is what the laws in the United States of America considers your list of what you think the poster should do is.

how do I know this...

I am a therapist in NY state which is in the USA.
I work with children, teens and adults.

Many of my clients come from many states, and have been in many foster care systems around the USA.
I also have to testify in court on child abuse cases.

mmm errrr... mmmm....

AL,

This is the girl who was also found naked with her boyfriend in her room after she had been left alone at home because she said she "didn't feel well." This girl is headed for a world of hurt, probably teenage pregnancy, and is being manipulated by this boyfriend of hers. This girl is in imminent danger. The computer needs to be moved into the living room where she can be supervised if she is using it. The boy needs to be off limits. His parents need to be informed of his actions so they can assist in supervising this situation. The guardian needs to sit down in a family session with the therapist and all the cards need to be put on the table. The boundaries and rules need to be clarified and discussed openly. But the adults in this situation have an obligation to do what must be done to protect this girl from mistreatment by this boyfriend. This is not a time to pussyfoot around the situation. It would be negligent to just say it's okay honey, I respect your right to privacy, and then let her continue to have access to the computer and this boy without supervision at ALL times. She will end up with STD's, pregnant, etc. without direct intervention here.

[Indie'sOK]

I wouldn't send her to boarding school. Think about it - she'll have access to money, either given to her by you or other people, right? She'll have unlimited access to all the things that she shouldn't, like buying diet pills. If she meets a boy there, it's possible that it could end up much as it has with her boyfriend. Boarding schools aren't what people think they are. They're basically the same as college, with somewhat stricter rules that the students always seem to find a way around. Same-gender dorms don't always remain that way.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

AL,

This is the girl who was also found naked with her boyfriend in her room after she had been left alone at home because she said she "didn't feel well." This girl is headed for a world of hurt, probably teenage pregnancy, and is being manipulated by this boyfriend of hers. This girl is in imminent danger. The computer needs to be moved into the living room where she can be supervised if she is using it. The boy needs to be off limits. His parents need to be informed of his actions so they can assist in supervising this situation. The guardian needs to sit down in a family session with the therapist and all the cards need to be put on the table. The boundaries and rules need to be clarified and discussed openly. But the adults in this situation have an obligation to do what must be done to protect this girl from mistreatment by this boyfriend. This is not a time to pussyfoot around the situation. It would be negligent to just say it's okay honey, I respect your right to privacy, and then let her continue to have access to the computer and this boy without supervision at ALL times. She will end up with STD's, pregnant, etc. without direct intervention here.

Question - how can a teen get a sexually transmitted disease by chatting on a computer with their boyfriend? how is she in danger by being alone in her own bedroom? how is the boyfriend manipulating her?

Read the first post within this thread. the poster states she went into the teens room and found her naked skyping with her boyfriend while naked. skype is online chatting. the boyfriend was not in the girls room with her. he was on a computer elsewhere using skype to chat with her.

you cannot get a STD by sitting in your bedroom naked chatting online with your boyfriend.

there is no boy in her bedroom to place her in danger and the posting by the guardian says nothing about the boy manipulating and harming her.

we are discussing a completely different situation than you are.

this thread here deals with a the situation of a 14yr old teenager who's parent has just died. the guardian wanted to ask the teen a question about dinner. she entered the teens room and found the naked teen on the computer messaging her boyfriend.

humiliating her by walking into her room unannounced while she is naked and yelling at her and threatening to tell others about what the girl has in her bathroom is NOT acceptable parenting here in the USA and is considered to be abuse here. it may not be so where you are but it is here.

sorry I stand by what I said in my previous postings

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by elliemay

mmm errrr... mmmm....

replying to your headscratching - removing doors so that teen age minors have no privacy ie others can see them undressing and dressing, putting minor teen agers in such a position is considered pornography, emotional abuse and in some places considered to be sexual abuse because it leaves no privacy to their private body parts and is done so against their will.

if right now you went to someones house and they walked in on you while you were naked ie changing your clothes, enjoying a naked moment what ever wouldnt you feel violated, and humiliated? then add to that their removing doors meant to give you a sense of privacy so that everyone in that household and anyone that comes in that household will see you naked? how would you feel if someone told you, you could not undress and be naked except where people can see you..

the laws say this is what removing teen agers doors do to them. it violates them, it emotionally abuses them and is sexual abuse.

child endangerment - well its documented with hospitals and rape crisis centers and the law that a majority of victims of sex abuse know their attackers. it only takes a few seconds for someone to see the door has been removed and see a teen naked and attempt to harm that teen.

contributing to the delinquency of a minor - what is removing the door to a teens bedroom teaching them about personal space and privacy --there is none. so they could possibly mis interpret this to mean its ok to show off their bodies to anyone why not they have to at home because theres no door to show them otherwise..

the law says removing a teen agers bodily privacy and leaving them with no way to protect their self and their bodies is abuse.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by amandalouise

replying to your headscratching - removing doors so that teen age minors have no privacy ie others can see them undressing and dressing, putting minor teen agers in such a position is considered pornography, emotional abuse and in some places considered to be sexual abuse because it leaves no privacy to their private body parts and is done so against their will.

if right now you went to someones house and they walked in on you while you were naked ie changing your clothes, enjoying a naked moment what ever wouldnt you feel violated, and humiliated? then add to that their removing doors meant to give you a sense of privacy so that everyone in that household and anyone that comes in that household will see you naked? how would you feel if someone told you, you could not undress and be naked except where people can see you..

the laws say this is what removing teen agers doors do to them. it violates them, it emotionally abuses them and is sexual abuse.

child endangerment - well its documented with hospitals and rape crisis centers and the law that a majority of victims of sex abuse know their attackers. it only takes a few seconds for someone to see the door has been removed and see a teen naked and attempt to harm that teen.

contributing to the delinquency of a minor - what is removing the door to a teens bedroom teaching them about personal space and privacy --there is none. so they could possibly mis interpret this to mean its ok to show off their bodies to anyone why not they have to at home because theres no door to show them otherwise..

the law says removing a teen agers bodily privacy and leaving them with no way to protect their self and their bodies is abuse.

IMO all that is a pretty big stretch into the case law. I don't know, maybe it's been adjudicated, not going to write a legal brief here. I think it's reasonable to assume that the *bathroom* would still have a door on it....

I would strongly contend that the primary person contributing to the delinquency of a minor in this case is the boyfriend. As a practitioner in the court system clearly you must already know that the age of consent in NY is 17. Depending on the age of this boy, he could be right on the verge of (or has already) committed a felony.

As *I* said in my original post, someone has got to simultaneously identify with and wrangle this child and it's not going to be easy.

Has it come to the place where the door to the bedroom has to be removed? I don't know. I gotta say though, it's not far from it.

[madisgram]

Originally Posted by LexieZ19

(Add on to previous post)

The second problem was that I found diet pills in her bathroom. I was cleaning it for her when she was at tumbling practice and found a bottle of them. She is dangerously thin already and should not be taking them (She is 5'2 86 pounds). I confiscated them and told her sternly she should not be taking them and that I Was going to have to tell her therapist.

re the diet pills. perhaps take her to a GP as well as her therapist? sounds like she has body dysmorphic disorder.
lexie, your hands are full. i'm sorry you are having to experience this when your good intentions were made to help your deceased friend. this teen has so many problems, plus defiance.

[avoice]

I think you need to lay down the law. ED is not a joke my friend died at 21 and her mother wish she would of done something when she was not an adult. Deadly don't wait nip it asap

[amandalouise]

I just noticed something - the first post in this thread by the original poster is no longer the same post for which we were all discussing yesterday.

yesterdays thread starting post was about a 14 yr old girl chatting on the computer while she was naked. the guardian (original poster) walked in on the girl while she was chatting nakedly.

the thread starting post that appears today is about the guardian taking the 14 yr old to a doctor appointment and about the 14 yr olds gym coach..

totally confused me for a minute. My intention of coming to this thread was to reread my posts and see if I can clarify what I posted and why.. but now with the original poster either changing the thread starting post or having a moderator change that original thread starting post to a completely different thing..

not one of my posts are now on topic and neither are any of the other posts within this thread...

all posts "after" that thread starting post are on the topic of the 14 yr old being caught in her own room naaked chatting on the computer with a boyfriend, and the starting thread "Now" about the doctor appointment an dschool coach...

so I ask everyone which topic are we discussing...

the original post that all of your subsequent postings are about

or

are we talking about the doctor appointment and the coach?

neither post has anything to do with the other!

So now either the whole thread of three pages worth is now off topic

or the thread starting post by the original poster is now off topic...

anyone know what the rules are for such a discrepancy?

anyone else here totally confused like I am?

[amandalouise]

never mind LOL I see what happened... two postings by the thread starting poster were combined in one thread. the original post that we were all discussing is the now underneath the other threads post and now contains info about it being added to the other post...

so now we are discussing both situations the girl being found in the bedroom naked and the situation where she had a doctor appointment and the coach..LOL

ok confusion gone LOL

now my clarifying my posts -

I was talking about the second post with the 14 yr old chatting on the computer....

that posting doesnt contain a lot of information..

there is no mention in the post about prior discussions with the girl about house rules on nakedness in the bedroom by the guardian or mother..

there is no mention in the post about prior discussions with the girl by the mom about nakedness in the bedroom.

there is no mention of the mother having any prior discussions with the girl about computer usage and nudity.

there is no mention of the guardian having prior conversations with the girl about computer usage while naked.

there is no mention of discussions by the guardian or mother concerning whether the rules at the guardians house about computer usage and nudity is different than at home.

there is no mention of prior history of the boy being abusive or manipulative to the girl.

there is no mention whether the guardian overheard or read unappropriate conversations that the boy and girl were having.

there is no mention of the boy and girl engaging in self sexual gratification during their conversations.

there is no mention whether the guardian knocked and waited for the teens permission to enter the teens bedroom.

there is no mention whether the guardian had the teen ager get dressed before she yelled at her.

before I had posted my first post about this issue on what I would have done in this situation, I checked to see if the poster had posted anything that had pointed to this same thing that is within this post in this thread had happened before but at that time there was no such prior history.

so all I know to go on in replying about this situation is what is in this post by the original poster..

the 14yr old was caught naked in her own bedroom chatting on the computer with her boyfriend..

with no prior history mentioned I went on the idea that this was the first time the girl was caught like this,

with no prior history mentioned I had no choice but to go on the idea the girl may not have known about the rules in this new home about nudity in the bedroom and computer usage.

with no prior history I had no choice but to go on maybe at the moms house this kind of activity was ok. I say maybe because all we know about the mom and the moms home is the mom is dead. so maybe the mom did allow such behavior maybe she didnt but without that information I had no choice but to give the girl the benefit of the rules on these things are different in the two households and no one told her about the rules concerning these things..

basically with the lack of all that prior information I went on this was the first time this had happened in this home, the girl may have been allowed to do this in the moms home and no one told her the new rules yet..

and with no information about allowing the girl to dress before yelling and punishing I had to go on the possibility that the girl was still naked during the yelling and punishing of the guardian. (which here in the usa is considered sexually humiliating a child, child porn and all that other legal stuff)

I dont punish people for not knowing the rules and I dont punish people when one household has one set of rules and the other doesnt so the child may get confused on what they can and cant do. and I dont punish people for their very first offenses. I never punish a child while they are naked and I never have discussions nor punish a child in their bedrooms. from my point of view a persons bedroom is their own space their own sanctuary. and no matter what the situation is I never use threats to tell their friends, other family members, teachers, doctors and therapists things to get the child to use appropriate behaviors.

I instead I take family discussions to the places in the house that is neutral and for use of all family members. if any family members or friends that have spent the night are not in attire appropriate for the family rooms I have them get dressed then meet me in the family rooms.

then I sit down with the child and calmly explain the rules of the house, write them out to be posted if the child feels that will help them to remember.

if there is a health problem or health issue involved we talk about that issue and discuss whether treatment providers need to know about it and why. then the child and I decide together which one of us will bring the health issue to the attention of the treatment providers, I include the options of their talking to their treatment provider alone, my talking to the treatment provider alone, both of us talking to the treatment provider together.

over all what I posted about how "I" would have handled this situation remains as I posted.

other people may choose to be more strict under these same situations and without all the prior information of prior history and all that.

but this is how I would have done things.

Im not saying my way is right for how others would deal with this situation.

each person has their own way to handle things this is mine and its the right way "for me and my family" should we be in such a situation as this.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

AL,

This is the girl who was also found naked with her boyfriend in her room after she had been left alone at home because she said she "didn't feel well." This girl is headed for a world of hurt, probably teenage pregnancy, and is being manipulated by this boyfriend of hers. This girl is in imminent danger. The computer needs to be moved into the living room where she can be supervised if she is using it. The boy needs to be off limits. His parents need to be informed of his actions so they can assist in supervising this situation. The guardian needs to sit down in a family session with the therapist and all the cards need to be put on the table. The boundaries and rules need to be clarified and discussed openly. But the adults in this situation have an obligation to do what must be done to protect this girl from mistreatment by this boyfriend. This is not a time to pussyfoot around the situation. It would be negligent to just say it's okay honey, I respect your right to privacy, and then let her continue to have access to the computer and this boy without supervision at ALL times. She will end up with STD's, pregnant, etc. without direct intervention here.

the posting about the girl being caught with her boyfriend in the room (not by computer) cant be used to establish prior history because it happened "After" what was posted with in this thread.

I agree the boundries and rules need to be clarified for this girl.. in the post we are discussing in this thread there is no mention of discussions with the girl by the parent or the guardian about what the guardians house rules are on being naked in the bedroom, on computer use and on use of a computer while naked. with no prior postings about this 14 yr old girl getting caught in her own room naked chatting on a computer I can only go on this being the girls first offense and she may not know the rules in this new home concerning nakedness in bedrooms, computer usage, and nakedness while on the computer. all we know about the mom is shes dead. so for all we know the mom may have allowed this girl to be naked in her own bedroom in her moms house, for all we know the mom may have allowed this girl to date and talk on the computer while naked with her boyfriend.

We dont know nothing about any prior history and nothing about what went on before the mopm died and we know nothing about what the girls rules on these issues were before the mom died.

I dont punish for first offenses and I dont punish for not knowing the rules.

Also what I posted was if this same situation happened in my family and with any teens that I may have to take care of.

that does not mean my way is wrong it just means I do things differently than you, and this happens to be the right way for me and those teens that I know.

your way may work for you. but this is my way for my family and any one I may for what ever reasons have to care for.