[Silent_tsol]

Numbers are a big thing for me. I can recite numbers of almost all of my cards, not just the important ones like driver's license, health card, but the other ones like the one for the movie theatre, the CAA (like AAA) etc. So in my relationship 08/24 is a big deal.

Specifically 08/24/10 and right now I'm 9 days away from the 1 year anniversary of that date. I feel like I'm going nuts.

I've been with my bf for almost 6 years (as of 09/09). Last year was our 5 year anniversary. Exciting right? There was a point last summer where I was considering surprising us with a anniversary vacation. We both like to travel, we don't have a lot of money so we've only had one big vacation. We went to Cuba in May 2009, it was a great trip. Other than that we've mostly done weekend trips around the area. I so wanted to be able to do the trip but I couldn't gather the money together. What's the best part of this story? While I was planning all of this (ok so maybe my planning was a few weeks earlier) he was planning his own "treat".

About 2 weeks before our 5 year anniversary, we were talking online one night. He said he had to go get gas. He worked in the morning and is not a morning person, so going out at night to get gas so he can sleep in 10 minutes later seems normal. He said he'd be right back. He didn't come right back. I saw his status automatically set to away because of inactivity. I waited. I waited until I couldn't stay awake any longer. I woke up in the middle of the night. Had an awful feeling. I figured he was tired when he got back and that's why he didn't sign back in. But I just felt something awful was happening. I chalked it up to a bad dream and went back to sleep. That morning he says he needs to talk to me. I woke up with that same awful feeling. He confessed that he cheated on me. While he was at the gas station he apparently got a text inviting him over to a friend from work. She had another friend over. They were both drunk (not my bf). He drank a little. She started suggesting things. He didn't say no.

They had never met before and have never seen each other since. His confession that day made a difference on where we are today. But our relationship will never be the same. I can't tell you that we had the perfect relationship, we, like everyone else had our problems. But they were never big. We could always handle them together. This has changed me, like any other trauma would, to my core.

I've always had trust issues. I remember when we first started dating, it was a point of confusion for us. Why the heck couldn't I just trust him? I would ask myself the same thing. He would prove himself trustworthy at every corner. Every test I threw at him he passed. I had no reason to hold back as much and as long as I did. But that's how I am, with anybody. I can't open up. Five years later, despite everything it took for him to know down that wall I would build and rebuild between us, he threw it away. He crushed everything I had come to know.

Even though he never lied, I question things. Like, did he really leave originally to get gas? Or was that a cover from the beginning? Had he really only met her that one time? I've questioned it all. Why and how could he throw me out the window for something so meaningless?

This has been the year from hell. The last few months have gotten easier. I've begun to accept that no matter what I do, this can't be undone; it happened. I've begun to accept the answer he gives me, they're always consistent. I've begun to ask so much less often. When I think of it, it doesn't knock me down like it did a few months ago. I've begun to see that I might actually survive all of this. Last September/October, I didn't think I would make it through some days, let alone a year.

The past few months, maybe since June things have actually been on an upturn. We've been talking better, understanding of each other. We've had some great times. I've started to feel like I'm in love with him again. I smile when I see him smile. I've started to imagine us with a future.

More recently though, that date from the beginning has be daunting on me. I'm wondering again. Remembering it all. I can just feel the last year weighing heavily on me. One of the troubles I have is saying "hey, I feel like ___ because ___" if that feeling is anything negative. I was doing better earlier in the year but not so well recently. I think he knows there's something that's been on my mind, but I'm just having trouble telling him, even though I know I need to.

Just needed to get that out there, thanks anyone who read it all

[RomanSunburn]

Hey Tsol,

I just wanted to let you know that I read this, and I'm really glad you shared everything with us. I have been wondering about what happened, but I never wanted to ask, because if you wanted to share all the details with us, you would have. And you did, so I appreciate it.

I understand how you feel. I don't remember the exact date that I found out about our troubles (as I like to call them), but whenever it gets to be that time of year, I think about it (maybe because is was kind of multi-fold?). I also have been finding that Breanna's thread we've been replying to has been making me think about it a lot lately, rehashing some things. I can feel the turmoil inside my head. But at the same time, I AM getting better at handling this, because I am not reacting the same way I reacted last year, or the year before. I have actually come to the point where I can think about things rationally, without getting upset. Understanding what happened without getting defensive, without thinking negatively about myself.

I know it's probably disheartening to see that I still think about what happened 3 years later, but I am handling it so much better. And I realize that the reason I'm still having problems with it is because some part of me enjoys feeling the pain; it's almost like having a sense of control. I have to work harder to let it go, not only for my own peace of mind, but because bringing it up, allowing myself to be hurt by it, hurts my fiance even more, especially since he already (still) feels horrible about what happened.

I also realize that what happened between me and my fiance is MUCH different than what happened with your boyfriend (if you're interested, I don't mind sharing, but I don't want to thread jack). I guess what I was trying to say in Breanna's thread is that no one is perfect, before or after the cheating. And once every one realizes that, it's easier to move forward. Just like I'm not trying to minimize what Breanna did, I'm not trying to minimize what your boyfriend did. It's definitely hurtful, definitely going to leave an impression, definitely going to take time and patience to move on. But I think you have a really good handle on things, and just try to remember that you are worthy, you are loved, and you are a good, wonderful person. I'm so glad that you have come to these forums. I have learned a lot from you. You have handled this so much better than I did; you are so strong.

Sorry this got so long. Remember to take care of yourself, come and vent as much as you need to, and be kind to yourself.

[Brianna84]

Wow, thank you for sharing. I have to admit, it was hard for me to read, being on the other side and all. I think you've done an amazing job at coming as far as you've come.

Anniversaries are a big deal. I'm coming up on the one year anniversary of my mom's death. The hospice center here sent me a little thing on dealing with the one year anniversary. I don't know if any of this will help you, but I imagine the pain you feel isn't all that different from the grief over someone's death, so maybe some of this will apply to you. It says:

Dear Friend,
We at Hospice hold you in our thoughts and hearts as you approach the first anniversary of the death of the your loved one.
Enduring the first year of loss is, in itself, an accomplishment and we congratulate you for making it through the inevitably painful first year. We hope that your journey through grief has taken you beyond mere survival to a place of new hope and loving involvement in life. We hope that amid the pain and turmoil of this journey you have also found growth, meaning and inner wisdom.
As you near the anniversary of your loved one's death, we want to remind you that each individual heals at his or her own pace; there is no timetable. Recognize that anniversary reactions are typical. Don't panic if you encounter a resurgence or intensification of pain at this time. This is not regression but simply another phase in the unfolding healing process of grief.
We encourage you to be gentle with yourself. This may mean resisting the need to be "finished" with your grief at a particular point in time. Remember that healing does not mean the end of sorrow. More accurately, healing means being open to new possibilities for the future and finding a new enthusiasm for life without the person who has died.
Remember that joy and sorrow can co-exist. Those who remain open to suffering live life more fully and experience true joy more completely.

Typical Anniversary Reactions

Grieving people commonly report similar experiences as they approach and encounter the one year anniversary of their loved one's death. Like all other phases of grief, your reactions will be unique to you but it sometimes helps to know that you are not alone. Others have walked this difficult road and have survived. So will you.
Most people are genuinely surprised by the intensity of the feelings which typically begin to re-surface days or weeks prior to the actual anniversary date. The month before the anniversary date is usually fraught with anxiety as we begin to dread the arrival of the actual day. Nightmares, insomnia and physical complaints are common, especially when we try to suppress the signs of acute grief (anger, despair, sadness, guilt, etc.) that tend to re-surge at this time. We often feel overwhelmed and confused by these anniversary reactions, questioning if we have made any progress in our grief work at all.
It is common to relive the days, weeks or months prior to the death of your loved one. You may recall the circumstances of the death, the funeral and your initial reactions in vivid detail. Some people experience flashback type imagery of the actual death scene.
Although the various anniversary reactions are painful, they should not be taken as a sign of regression, but rather as an opportunity to release the residual pain of your grief. You may use this time to reflect on various aspects of the relationship you had, to assess which aspects of your grief have been resolved, and which aspects require more attention. It is important, as always, to suspend judgment of your feelings and simply allow them to find expression. Give yourself permission to fully experience and express your feelings through tears, sharing, writing, art, music, dance, movement or exercise.

Suggestions for Handling the Anniversary

1. Anticipate and prepare for the anniversary. When it comes to handling significant days (holidays, birthdays, etc.), it is better to anticipate the difficulty and plan how you want to spend the day rather than trying to ignore it.
2. Accept the fact that the time before and immediately after the anniversary will be painful. The actual anniversary date is rarely as devastating as we actually anticipated, especially for those who have consciously planned for it. Rest assured that the intensification of your pain at anniversary times is temporary and you will regain your equilibrium. Anniversary reactions are not isolated to the first year. However in subsequent years, the intensity and duration generally decrease. Having made it through the first anniversary of the death, you will have developed inner resources and external coping strategies to use when facing the days ahead.
3. Find a way to acknowledge the significance of the day and to remember the person who has died. Some suggestions:
   1. Have a religious service dedicated to the person who has died
   2. Have flowers significantly placed in memory of the person who has died.
   3. Plan your own special anniversary ritual. You can do this alone or with family members and friends. For example, one bereaved father goes surfing on the anniversary of his son's death. He scatters flowers on the ocean as he paddles out on his board. This allows him to spend some quiet time alone in memory of his son while engaging in an activity which they both found enjoyable. Another widow planned a dinner party and cooked some of her husband's favorite foods. She encouraged her guests to share their cherished memories of her husband.
4. Do something fun that you did or planned to do with your loved one. For example, one mom took her kids out of school on her husband's birthday, and they did all the things that they enjoyed as a family: they got ice cream, they went bowling, they went to the movies and out to dinner.
5. Use your Journal -- Write a letter to the person who has died. Tell him or her how you are doing on this day and where you are in your grief. You may also want to imagine his or her response to your letter and write it as if he were writing back to you.
6. Indulge and nurture yourself. In the days around the anniversary be gentle with yourself and do things that will bring you spiritual, physical, and emotional nourishment.
7. Limit your expectations and responsibilities. Engage the coping strategies and nurturing activities which you have found valuable throughout your grief process.

Guess I better cite it: Grief's Journey, Issue Eleven. Hospice and Palliative Care of Western Colorado.

Just replace "death" with cheating and I think there may be some good advice in there. Some of it may not apply to you, like #3, but I red-texted the stuff I found particularly helpful.

From your posts, I can tell you've put a ton of grueling work into working through your pain. I commend you for that. It takes a lot of strength.

Lastly, I think you should tell your bf what's bothering you - but you already knew that.

Good luck!

[Silent_tsol]

Originally Posted by RomanSunburn

Hey Tsol,

I just wanted to let you know that I read this, and I'm really glad you shared everything with us. I have been wondering about what happened, but I never wanted to ask, because if you wanted to share all the details with us, you would have. And you did, so I appreciate it.

I understand how you feel. I don't remember the exact date that I found out about our troubles (as I like to call them), but whenever it gets to be that time of year, I think about it (maybe because is was kind of multi-fold?). I also have been finding that Breanna's thread we've been replying to has been making me think about it a lot lately, rehashing some things. I can feel the turmoil inside my head. But at the same time, I AM getting better at handling this, because I am not reacting the same way I reacted last year, or the year before. I have actually come to the point where I can think about things rationally, without getting upset. Understanding what happened without getting defensive, without thinking negatively about myself.

I know it's probably disheartening to see that I still think about what happened 3 years later, but I am handling it so much better. And I realize that the reason I'm still having problems with it is because some part of me enjoys feeling the pain; it's almost like having a sense of control. I have to work harder to let it go, not only for my own peace of mind, but because bringing it up, allowing myself to be hurt by it, hurts my fiance even more, especially since he already (still) feels horrible about what happened.

I also realize that what happened between me and my fiance is MUCH different than what happened with your boyfriend (if you're interested, I don't mind sharing, but I don't want to thread jack). I guess what I was trying to say in Breanna's thread is that no one is perfect, before or after the cheating. And once every one realizes that, it's easier to move forward. Just like I'm not trying to minimize what Breanna did, I'm not trying to minimize what your boyfriend did. It's definitely hurtful, definitely going to leave an impression, definitely going to take time and patience to move on. But I think you have a really good handle on things, and just try to remember that you are worthy, you are loved, and you are a good, wonderful person. I'm so glad that you have come to these forums. I have learned a lot from you. You have handled this so much better than I did; you are so strong.

Sorry this got so long. Remember to take care of yourself, come and vent as much as you need to, and be kind to yourself.

Thank you for replying, I was hoping you would because I agreed with everything you would say on Brianna's thread, I was hoping you'd be able to apply it here. Long is good

I'm not so disheartened by the 3 year idea, I've read more than my fair share of books and I have another forum for exactly this topic. I know this is a long road. In a weird crazy way, it actually gave me comfort -it's been 3 years but you're still fiance-ing. That gives me hope

The last few months I've been doing well at being able to think about it sort without getting overly emotional. But lately I've been really touchy about anything and everything. I know having exams this week is adding to my stress which sort of compounds -I've my ability to cope with stress this year.
But it's all sending my anxiety through the roof. Last night I barely slept, I just tossed and turned and was sad. I had a short dream that I was bleeding which apparently means I'm exhausted, emotionally overwhelmed and/or my past is coming back to haunt me. yep. yep. yep. (How do they come up with these things). I've been losing my appetite/willingness to eat which happened last time around -not to any unhealthy level, just like "I should be eating at this time but I'm not hungry".

I too hate bringing it up. I know he hates what he did, I know he doesn't want to be reminded, I know he hates to see me upset. We haven't had a lot of time together lately (exams, conflicting work schedules) so I haven't told him what's going on. He had a panic attack last month and has since been very anxious (he finally booked a dr appointment next week) -I don't want to add to that. I'm afraid he'll be defensive or get angry. I know there is a part of me that's afraid to let it go. I'm afraid that if I let it go, I'll be vulnerable and it could happen again.

I know neither one of us is perfect. I know we all make mistakes and I believe we've both grown from this. A large part is that I never expected him to be able to do such a thing. I know probably everyone says that and I guess it's true, why go into a relationship with someone you expect could hurt you? We've always been looked at (and still are because we haven't told many people) the "perfect couple". It's hard hearing that now. I just want to scream. We never fought, we bickered but it was never anything big. I guess there's still a bit of shock element.

I'm not great at looking out for myself, I'm the type that worries about everyone else first. I will try take things slower though (once exams are done -1 left on Friday). It wouldn't be a threadjack to share what your troubles were

[Silent_tsol]

Originally Posted by Brianna84

Wow, thank you for sharing. I have to admit, it was hard for me to read, being on the other side and all. I think you've done an amazing job at coming as far as you've come.

Anniversaries are a big deal. I'm coming up on the one year anniversary of my mom's death. The hospice center here sent me a little thing on dealing with the one year anniversary. I don't know if any of this will help you, but I imagine the pain you feel isn't all that different from the grief over someone's death, so maybe some of this will apply to you. It says:

Guess I better cite it: Grief's Journey, Issue Eleven. Hospice and Palliative Care of Western Colorado.

Just replace "death" with cheating and I think there may be some good advice in there. Some of it may not apply to you, like #3, but I red-texted the stuff I found particularly helpful.

From your posts, I can tell you've put a ton of grueling work into working through your pain. I commend you for that. It takes a lot of strength.

Lastly, I think you should tell your bf what's bothering you - but you already knew that.

Good luck!

I was a little worried that you would read this, and be upset.
Thank you for that quote. It really does help, it describes how I feel and reminds me that I'm not crazy for rehashing these things
Thank you

[Brianna84]

Upset? Nah, it's good for me to be reminded of what it feels like from your side. Sometimes I try to picture what it would be like if things were the other way around - your post just made it a little clearer for me - and damn, does it hurt. Just imagining hurts. So what the reality of it must be like... wow. I can't believe I willfully put someone through that... anyway, enough about me. I know it's difficult but I also know you will get through it, and, like that article said, it will probably even be beneficial as a chance to get even more of those emotions out there and processed. Just be kind to yourself, of course you are not crazy. Good luck with finals! How miserable to be having to deal with that too right now... like you have extra brainpower! Yeesh.

[RomanSunburn]

I'm glad that you find what I write useful. I really appreciate that

So, like I said, what happened with me and my fiance is a little different that your normal cheating. In my mind, it was a huge miscommunication. I also haven't told many people, because a lot of people don't see it the way I do. They see my fiance as some horrible person that doesn't deserve my love or energy, which is truly not the case.

When my fiance and I first started dating, way back in the day (Thanksgiving 2005), we were long distance. We started dating on a complete whim. We went to the same high school and had mutual friends, but we were really only acquaintances with slight flirting. Anyways, we dated and fell in love. But at the time, I was struggling with depression and anxiety. After a little more than a year we broke up. The main issue was that he didn't feel that he could take care of me from so far away, and I think he also didn't want to have such a serious relationship at the time (we were 18, he wanted to have fun in college, I understand that now). At the same time, I was also feeling like I wasn't a number one priority in his life (I didn't want to break up though).

The breakup was hard. Oh my god, was it hard. I hated it. It took months for us to be able to actually stop talking to each other. It took me months to be able to even think about dating someone else. On the flip side, three days after we broke up, some girl at his school came on to him. He was vulnerable and wanted to forget about me, so they dated a couple of months. That hurt me a lot when I found that out. Also because he went further with her sexually than he had ever gone with me. But these are not the troubles I refer to...

So, I finally manage to put some space between us. I started dating someone else (though, that's another story itself... What can I say, he was a marine...). This was probably a good 8-9 months after we broke. One night I get a phone call. There he is, the then ex, drunk dialing me. I get extremely mad. But the next day he calls to apologize. Some how, he wiggles his way back into my life, telling me he needed a friend. I was really reluctant. He had already hurt me once, how did I know he wouldn't do it again? Well, one day he calls me and tells me he wants to fly out to see me for just a day. He'd sleep in the airport, he just had to see me. He had never come to see me before (he felt like he could only go where his parents were willing to buy him plane tickets for; I was not one of these places). He was willing to hide it from his mom. So I demanded to know what was so important he had to come see me. Well, he wanted to tell me he still loved me. I was really worried, I didn't want to get involved with him again, even though I knew I could easily fall back in love. I really, really tried to take things slowly. This was probably all in september.

In October, I left the school I was at. I was mentally unstable, the depression and anxiety were suffocating me. When he came home from school in November, we hung out. I kept trying to sit on different couches from him, not let him touch me, etc etc. Though, of course I wanted him back (even though I was scared) and in the course of the week we were back to cuddling and kissing (only pecks). He'd tell me he loved me and missed me, but I wasn't ready yet. We never officially got back together.

Anyways, come February, he's getting ready to go to a study abroad in Germany. Before he left, I asked if it was okay if he could be exclusive with me, but not me with him. I was still scared he would hurt me, and even though I knew this was a double standard, I felt like I needed it to prove to me he wouldn't hurt me again. He never actually gave me a definite answer.

While he was away, I made out with one guy. That's as far as it went. And I immediately told my (now) fiance what happened. He didn't take it too well. I thought we would be okay because of the conversation we had before he left (miscommunication #1). What's more, I was getting ready to go to a partial hospital day program, and we discussed not changing anything in our relationship until that started (miscommunication #2).

Well, several months go by, and he's about to come home, when he brings up in conversation that he's been working on a blog journal thing. I ask if I can read it, and he says yes. He gives me the password, and, well, I read it.

Turns out, four days after I made out with a guy, he got drunk and let a girl he was friends with go down on him. In the following months when I thought we were fine and back to normal, he also made out with a random girl in a club and fooled around with another girl he was friends with a couple of times. It got to the point where they would fool around even when other people were in the room (hands down pants and such), and that if those people hadn't been there, they would have had sex. This was pretty heart breaking because I believed we were fine. I had gone to my parital day program, I wanted to be with him, I wasn't going to fool around with any one else. We had also never gone as far as he went with those girls (I was very slow on the sexual front, not to mention we didn't get a whole lot of time together and I had wanted to take things slow). But he had been hiding this all from me for months.

He also just kept adding insult to injury when we would talk about it. He compared me and the girl he almost had sex with to characters in a TV show he was hooked on (Dexter). I work in a library, I still get angry or sick to my stomach whenever I see a Dexter DVD or book. Also, when he told me about the girl who went down on him, he lashed out and said "It's not like you're ever going to do it." Little things where he felt like he was on the defensive. But I was so hurt, because I had only made out with one guy one time and told him immediately. Where as he just had to go full out repeatedly and never tell me. And even though I was still really, really hurting (and really upset because all I could see was that he had hurt me again), I still knew I wanted to stay with him. Eventually I would realize that I had hurt him, and he was coping the only way he knew how (which was exactly what he did when we broke up.. found comfort with someone else).

So we decided that we would stay together. We even said from here on out, it would be just us. Only us. We promised each other that there would be no one else. He also said he wouldn't get drunk anymore since he was usually wasted when these things happened.

And then he came home. His sister's wedding was in a few days. We were working on getting past our issues, when one night, I asked if he had been with anyone else. He said "I wanted to wait until after the wedding to tell you, and I don't know exactly how to tell you, but two nights before I came home, I was with someone else. I was really, really drunk, and I don't remember exactly what we did." So even after our promises, and our "just us", he went and fooled around with someone else. He doesn't even know how far they went, but in my mind it's the worst possible case. This completely pulled the rug out from under me, the ultimate hurt. Whatever I had done to put all those other girls behind me was undone. It just became this massive lump of pain, the how could you do this to me, the I only made out with one person, you fool around with four, more than once, you said you wouldn't drink, etc. etc. etc...

Anyways, I don't really know how the healing began... I had wanted to break up with him at the end of summer. I was going to a new school and wanted to just put all this behind me. The reason I was willing to stay together over the summer was because the night I told him about the other guy, I had promised that when he got home I would be here for him, just him. When I tried to break up at the end of the summer, he told me I had been leading him on. So, for whatever the reason, we decided to make it work.

It was such a long, long road to get where we are now.

But honestly, after writing all that, I'm a little spent. I was shaking during parts and my stomach was getting upset. Maybe later or tomorrow or something I can post how we started getting back on track. But right now, I can't post anymore.

I hope this helps...

[Silent_tsol]

Roman, please don't feel like you need to type more than you are comfortable with. Certainly don't get to the point where you are mentally reliving it. I feel like I can relate to the point where your fiance went further with these girls than with you. While we had had sex before the cheating, we were able to both say that neither of us had been with anyone else. Losing that hurt me a lot and no matter how much better we do in the future I know that we can never get that back. Personally I wouldn't have had a problem if he had partners before our relationship, I didn't go out looking for that "onlies" situation. But that's what we had and I loved it. When he told me one of the things he tried to say was that it wasn't good/I was better. That outraged me and I told him to never to compare anything between us. In my mind, he shouldn't be able to compare us; he shouldn't have anyone to compare against because I don't have anyone to compare him against. Then I would go into the self defeating "well there's no way I'm good at this because I have 0 experience with anyone but him and now that he has experience he knows. Now this girl was pretty drunk and I like to think that she was drunk to the point that she did suck.

I also understand viewing the worst case possible. Hence my lack of belief that he had intended to just get gas. Also in January, I found some online things that bothered me. He had an online account where he was listed as single. I didn't know anyone on his friends list and most of them were girls. There was a lot of "hun" and other such nicknames. I had a friend go undercover with an account to spy. She was in a chat with him and he said some hurtful things. Not intended directly at me but things that are personal and about me. This day was the day before we were going to a concert for HIS favourite band. I got the tickets the DAY BEFORE because when they went onsale we didnt have the money and they were way to expensive on ebay after they sold out. I had a friend who was selling two. I got them for him. He was talking about it online and my friend prodded to know who he was going with (knowing he was listed as single but had a gf). He said "just a friend of mine" That hurt. Yes, were friends but not JUST friends. fdkjshadf Then he indirectly complained about something similar to your bf. He said he loves to x when really I just think it's weird (sex thing and tmi for me to type out). That pissed me off. I found out that one of the girls he had webcam-ed with. He to this day swears that it was all platonic but, worst case scenario I can't accept that. He texts this girl and I remember one day we went out for breakfast and he told me about this dream he had about us. Guess who he also had this same dream about during the same night. ARgg, the reason they stopped webcamming was because she got back together with her bf. Does that not allude to the fact that there was something that they were doing that another person in a relationship wouldn't like? Oh and the reason this girl and my bf were allowed to keep talking in chat (according to girl's bf) was because she told her bf that my bf was gay. (I had to snicker when I found that out)

I understand not telling people because everyone believes that they would never stay with someone who cheated on them. What they don't realize is that when my bf told me, I didn't stop loving him. As much as I desperately wanted to in that moment, I couldn't.

I'm finding it difficult to bring up how I've been feeling with him. Mostly because of my personal issues. I hate talking face to face about things that make me vulnerable. It's always been something I struggle with. But I have told him that I would like to spend the day with him on the 24th. We might go to the zoo because he's been asking about that. I know I should tell him what's going on, I don't think he sees the significance the day has to me.

Thanks again for listening

[RomanSunburn]

Honestly, yesterday was kind of hard. I'm not sure if it had to do with the fact that I typed all of that out, or that it was just kind of a stressful day (we're having trouble with our wedding bands, mine in particular, and we spent almost two hours in the store last night trying to fix it). Plus, we were both tired because I had been kind of panicky the night before (about my wedding dress... Weddings are stressful!). But today, I feel so much better. I actually put away a Dexter dvd and didn't have any emotions towards it at all! I think I attribute that to telling you everything. I mean, I rarely tell anyone the whole story. I've only told my fiance about the Dexter issue I have. But I felt better today. I feel more secure in our relationship today. Minus the fact I was all upset last night... But today was definitely a new day.

I totally get the whole only's business! My fiance had slept with a girl prior to dating me. And she basically told him that if he didn't sleep with her, she'd go find someone who would. This was his first girlfriend, and he didn't really know what else to do. It wasn't like he enjoyed it or loved her. The really annoying thing about that girl though? She was a liar, and got him to lie to his mom and stuff, did weed and drank with him (all this in high school), and yet his mom LOVES her! Still keeps in touch with her on facebook! This girl got her profile picture liked by his mom, yet my status update about going to visit our home state (where both our parents live) got nothing. It was like, really? This woman barely congratulated us on our engagement...

But back to the whole only's business. While he's slept with one other and has gone further with other girls, he's basically my first everything, except making out. I'm kind of the opposite of you, though, I always want to be told I'm the best. The best kisser, best cuddler, best everything. It's like I need to be validated or something... Maybe even a sense of "Hey, I'm better than all those other floozies." I think part of the problem is I have a higher sex drive than he does, and he doesn't put as much importance on sex as I do. For him, he finds cuddling far more important. He tells me he's never cuddled with another person, which I believe. The thing is, I know he would never lie to me, at least not on purpose (the boy has a horrible memory... He might completely forget something has happened and say it didn't, when I know it did, but he just doesn't remember, so he's not lying in his mind). Knowing he would never lie helps, because I know if I ask him anything, he'll tell me the truth. But the whole thing has kind of caused problems, because when he turns me down, if I'm feeling already depressed and anxious, I start freaking out -- "You wanted all those others girls! Why don't you want me? I'm not good enough??" Rationally, I know the two have absolutely nothing to do with one another. He doesn't want to do anything with me right now, because he's tired, he's stressed, and he's been working a lot and has to go to work tomorrow morning. Those other girls? He was drunk and miserable in Germany and they came on to him; he never went looking for it (at least not consciously). It's a constant battle between the rational and the emotional...

I wanted to talk more about how we got back on track. I think that's important. But the truth is, I don't really know. I kept trying to forgive him. I wanted to forgive him so badly, especially since I could reason away most of it. There was one night where it really started to hit home how much I had hurt him, and that he had reacted the only way he knew how. It wasn't healthy, and it was definitely immature, but he's grown up so much since then. It's funny, my fiance and I had a discussion one night how we both kind of wish we had gotten all the stupid growing up business out of the way with someone else, so that we could have our own happily ever after. But at the same time, I've started to realize I'm happy and I'm completely, head over heels in love with him, and the past doesn't matter anymore. I'm finally getting to the point where it's like "So what? We were both really young when all of this happened. We've matured and grown into a wonderful, loving couple. Nothing else matters." I do still have my emotional side that comes out and fights it, but my therapist and I are working on calming and slowing down the irrational/emotional side by making sure I take deep breaths and repeat calming mantras. I'm already improving from not doing anything to at least thinking "hey, I should probably breathe right now... But I'm not ready" It's a slow process.

So, I think the biggest thing that helped our relationship, once I started getting a hold of my emotions, was that I got him a stuffed elephant. I named him Henry (fiance spells it Henri, because I introduced him as Henri the French Elephant). And when I gave it to him, I said "This is so you don't forget how much I love you, and I don't forget how much you love me. Because an elephant never forgets." It was silly, but for some reason, it kind of helped bring us back together, because my silly fiance decided to bring Henri whenever he traveled. And not just tucked away in his bag, but sticking out of his backpack while walking through the airport. He even brought him on an RHA trip (it helped that his school mascot was an elephant). We kind of threw ourselves back into our relationship in a way that we had never done before. We hadn't really been great to each other the first time around, but we both changed. Since then, we've been on nothing but an upswing. Oh, sure, we still have crazy stuff happening in our lives, but we're supporting each other the best that we can. We want to make everything work. Honestly, in the 5 years since our first date, we've been through more than most married couples, so I have no doubt in my mind that this a forever thing.

Hope I didn't talk too much It feels good to talk with people who understand the situation (especially the whole we don't stop loving them. It's not like a switch goes off in our brains and hearts). And I hope I can share what I've learned with others, even though it's a slow process, and I generally tell those who have been cheated on to leave, but I completely understand those who stay. But I'm still learning too, so I apprecaite hearing what everyone else as to say also

I just wanted to mention, Tsol, have you thought about writing him a letter to explain whats going on? Maybe write a letter, and leave it some place he'll see it in the morning, and then spend the day out with some friends? That way you can be vulnerable, but still sort of protected?

[Silent_tsol]

Sometimes getting it out helps my head feel lighter too. I came across a quote once,

you can't heal what you won't feel

.

I kind of want to stomp on your fiance's mother's toes! I would be quite upset if my bf's mother favoured his ex over me. Or at least appeared to do so.

When you mentioned forgiving him it kind of reminded me of one of the reasons why I might be a little more sad around now (aside from everything else). Shortly after finding out, I decided I would give things one year. 1 year and if we were in a better place (and I had survived) and worth it, great, if not it would be time to move on. There were many times where I didn't think we were going to make it to a year....or that I would. But I kept holding onto it because I owed it to myself to become more clear headed for what I knew the relationship could be. During one of our good swings I started to consider forgiveness. How, when, what etc? At that point I knew it would be likely we would see year 6 of our relationship and our 1 year anniversary of all this. So I gave this date a new importance. My goal was to be somewhere around forgiving him. Of course not saying it was ok, but letting go/accepting. It was a good 3 or 4 months ago that I decided this but I think I'm upset that I'm not as ready for that as I had planned to be. (I'm not good at just going with the flow, I set deadlines for everything). Maybe there is a part of me that doesn't want to give that forgiveness up yet.

I agree about the growing up separately. I can see why many relationships that start young don't work out. It's hard. You start out as one sort of unfinished person and you change and grow and maybe someone different on the other side of all of that. I like that we've had this time together but it would have certainly been easier head we met a few years later I think.

I love the story about the elephant, that's adorable and I'm glad it's brought you together.

A letter might be good. At least easier for me. But I also feel like I need to push myself to work better at the verbal discussion of these types of things.

[Brianna84]

Tsol,

I think a letter is an excellent idea. For a while, my bf (ex, I guess) and I were trying to discuss things over the phone. So much information would come out during those conversations and I'd get emotional and the tone of his voice would hurt and on and on and on and it was unproductive and usually just ruined my evening and the whole next day. He said once, towards the beginning of this, that he thought it was weak of us to have to use written communication (whether it was Facebook, IMing, letters, emails, even texts) instead of oral. I'll tell you what I told him:

I don't think discussing issues via text, IM, letters, or Facebook is weak. It is just a different form of communication. Communication is vital, and if it works out better this way, so be it. My words come out so much more clearly, coherently, and responsibly when I'm writing rather than speaking and hearing you speak. Verbal communication is good (and hearing your voice is comforting) but fraught with intense emotion for me. It is usually hard to overcome that in order to maintain a productive, rational, comprehensible conversation.

The emails we've been exchanging, and the texts, have been a godsend for me. I feel so much more... in control with them. When we're speaking, the conversation just seems to spiral out of control and zig zag all over the place and I usually end up sobbing and that gets him all flustered cause he doesn't know what to do so he starts back-tracking... it's a mess. So, I guess I'm just trying to say, if it's easier to write a letter, note, email, whatever to him, don't feel bad or like you should be "pushing" yourself to work on oral discussions. Open communication is open communication.

Good luck. Done with finals now, right? That should, at least, be a relief.

[Silent_tsol]

Just need to vent a little.
So I come on and the first 3 posts in this forum are about cheating. Ya maybe given what's going on right now maybe I shouldn't be signing on or reading them but argggggggggggg
whywhywhywhywhywhywhy
fadhgldsjghkfjghkdsjfh

That's about all I'm coming up with

On a side note, Brianna, you are right, one form of communication isn't better or worse than another. I grew up in a family were I felt like we lacked communication -in comparison to all those happy-lovey-TV-series families where they talked for hours over dinner every night. I know it's not reasonable to compare real life to TV but I had always wanted to strive for that. So when I feel the need to communicate in another way I feel like I'm failing.

[Brianna84]

Sooorrrrryyyyy

[Silent_tsol]

Originally Posted by Brianna84

Sooorrrrryyyyy

It's ok Brianna, I respect the fact that you are doing soul searching and figuring out what went wrong. I understand that sometimes it's hard to know how to start on either side. If anything I'm projecting anger that should be directed to my bf and feeling sad for everyone who gets hurt through this

[RomanSunburn]

Thinking of you today -- hope it is a safe, loving, calm day for you!!!

[Silent_tsol]

Thank you
I survived! We stayed non-time restricted busy. We had no set time we had to do things (which would make me stressed-I hate being late). We laid around until 2 then drove out to a big mall half an hour away. We had fun there then went to a theatre out there. There were a few times were I started to feel like I was going to lose it but I stayed intact. I gave him a heads up that today was a danger day so he kind of went with whatever I was bringing up at the time.

[RomanSunburn]

Oh, that's great! It sounds like you two had a good day! I totally understand it being a danger day and feeling like you're about to lose it, but congrats on holding it together! That's a huge step! And good for him too, for being able to support you the way you needed it. I'm so glad things went well for you, I was thinking about you all day

[Brianna84]

Good, I'm glad to hear that it went okay for you! Enjoy your massage.

[Silent_tsol]

Here we go again...
Now the upcoming event is our anniversary. I find it hard because last year was 5 years. 5 years is/was/should be a big deal right? But 2 weeks before....
So now were at 6 as of Friday. We are going on a weekend getaway (typical of us, we went away last year and previous years too), we have tickets to Cirque du Soleil and were both excited. But I'm having trouble being excited excited ya know? It's like I can't get my heart into it as much as I want.

I feel glum. I keep thinking about last year, this was such a hard time. We managed to survive the weekend but it took some masterful compartmentalizing on my part.

I hate trying to figure out what reason this event has for being in my life. But I'm that type of person.
Just sigh and arggg