[Christine08]

Hi, I'm new here and this is my first post since the introduction one. I'm sorry for my bad English.

The topic of today comes because of a particular situation. Have you ever entered a room and suddenly you just realize that everyone was talking about you and suddenly changes the subject. All my life I’ve been around false people, people who talk behind your back, even know, grownups can be like this. I just wonder, how can this be possible, how can a mature adult be cruel and false like that, I honestly can´t deal with it. I don’t know that it’s just me but everyone keeps telling me that all people are like that and that I should get used to it, but I can’t. I’m I the only one who is affected by this? Maybe it’s because I suffered from psychological bullying when I was younger. I wonder.

Thanks for taking time to read this.

[Ygrec23]

Originally Posted by Christine08

Hi, I'm new here and this is my first post since the introduction one. I'm sorry for my bad English. The topic of today comes because of a particular situation. Have you ever entered a room and suddenly you just realize that everyone was talking about you and suddenly changes the subject. All my life I’ve been around false people, people who talk behind your back, even know, grownups can be like this. I just wonder, how can this be possible, how can a mature adult be cruel and false like that, I honestly can´t deal with it. I don’t know that it’s just me but everyone keeps telling me that all people are like that and that I should get used to it, but I can’t. I’m I the only one who is affected by this? Maybe it’s because I suffered from psychological bullying when I was younger. I wonder. Thanks for taking time to read this.

Hello, Christine!

Sorry to hear that you're having a difficult time. Your English is fine, no problem at all. And yes, I have walked into rooms and felt that everyone had been talking about me. It's kind of a strange feeling. I've talked it over with my therapist at length. We've decided that sometime people are talking about me, but most often it's me just thinking people are talking about me without that really being the case. In other words, sometimes I feel so self-conscious and worried that I think people are talking about me when they're not really doing so.

My T says that most people spend most of their time thinking and talking about themselves, not other people. She says it would be strange and hard to believe if I walked into a good-sized room with quite a number of people in it and they were all talking about me. She says that most people complain that other people pay no attention to them, not that they're always talking about them.

So, maybe they're not all talking about you. Maybe most of the time they're not even thinking about you. I know it may be hard to believe, but it's quite possible for you too as well as for me. After my T talked to me about it, I calmed down quite a bit and it seemed that people weren't talking about me so much. Which let me relax A LOT! I hope it will help you too!

[Christine08]

Thank you for responding and thank you for explaing this to me. I understand what you are saying but it's a little bit complicated for me to just accept it , because i have a lot of situations as an example and of course sometimes it isn't true, but because I have friends that used to laught at me, calling me ugly, putting me aside, I honestly can't handle social situations. If I walk on the street and see a group of people, I honestly put my head down, pretending to write an sms, and if i heard a little laughing i always think its about me, i always think "please don t say anything, please don't notice me and dont make fun of me". I know that sometimes it's not about me, but i think it's because I have multiple situations that it was about me, when I was with friends and listening to other conversation of other people who werent with us, listening to talking about me, I just felt miserable, they don't even know me. It affects me, real bad. I just can't ignore it and I come home and cry and cry, and everyting bad comes again at surface and I can't stop my thoughts, Im just to weak.

"Waking to the dawn is increasingly difficult. I wake up everyday and find my body chained to earth while my soul doesn´t belong to me anymore."

[missbelle]

I agree with Ygrec. Sometimes when we are depressed we get feelings like people are talking about us, staring at us. I think sometimes its the depression talking. Its definately not a good feeling though. Hope things get better for you. Thanks for posting!!
Hugs;

[Christine08]

Thanks for responding to my post, and thanks for saying that. I know that sometimes it's just my imagination and no one is talking about me. But I'm just to tired, because people used to laugh at me, calling me ugly, talk behind my back, ignoring me just because they feel like it, so I just run away from everyone, and nowadays I don t go out, i don t have any friends, really close ones, because i can´t trust no one. When i'm walking on the street I just try to avoid a big crowd or just take my head down and pretending Im texting because I don t wanna hear any laughs or anything about me. i start to think, "please don t sa anything" cause i know that if i realize someone is being mean to me, laughing, joking im just gonna cry and all the other bad things that happened comes to surface again and I just can't handle it.

"Waking to the dawn is increasingly difficult. I wake up everyday and find my body chained to earth while my soul doesn´t belong to me anymore."

[madisgram]

warm welcome, christine. happy to hear you got some helpful replies. there are lots of supportive members here.

[objtrbit]

Originally Posted by Christine08

Hi, I'm new here and this is my first post since the introduction one. I'm sorry for my bad English.

It's actually great yo!

The topic of today comes because of a particular situation. Have you ever entered a room and suddenly you just realize that everyone was talking about you and suddenly changes the subject.

From this point forward I am going to assume that this is what actually happened, because this is what you actually felt; if they wernt talking about you in your above situation, somewhere this actually happened to you and it hurt a lot!

All my life I’ve been around false people, people who talk behind your back, even know, grownups can be like this.

All your life? It sounds like a theme then; what is your earliest memory of it? Sounds like you may have been traumatized by this as a kid.

I just wonder, how can this be possible, how can a mature adult be cruel and false like that, I honestly can´t deal with it. I don’t know that it’s just me but everyone keeps telling me that all people are like that and that I should get used to it, but I can’t.

I'm thinkin that we seem to collect people in our lives that will recreate our deepiest conflicts; if we don't know what better looks like, it's difficult to find friends that, for example, do not talk behind your back, or make you feel that way. Additionally, it won't be limited to just your friends. You might see it on tv all the time, or at a meeting....all your relationships, it may come up and be triggering for you-and it really can make you feel like your going crazy lol!

I do believe that people are actually talking about themselves, but literally; if they insult or offend you intentionally, then what ever they say is actually their own insecurity.

What do you feel they are talking about when you enter the room?

I’m I the only one who is affected by this?

No, but it sure does feel like it, right? Sounds like your feelings never seem to get validated either;

Maybe it’s because I suffered from psychological bullying when I was younger. I wonder.

Can you talk about that? Who did it, what was it like for you (horrible, I'm sure, but what things stuck out for you?)

Thanks for taking time to read this.

Take care,
-obj

[Christine08]

Thanks for taking time responding.

From this point forward I am going to assume that this is what actually happened, because this is what you actually felt; if they wernt talking about you in your above situation, somewhere this actually happened to you and it hurt a lot!

Yes It hurt. Everyday I came back to my house crying, begging my mom to change schools.

All your life? It sounds like a theme then; what is your earliest memory of it? Sounds like you may have been traumatized by this as a kid.

As a kid this happened to me very much, and even know. Everything comes back to my head when this happens, i can't control it and the truth is I dont trust people, I don't let anyone close, because I know they will hurt me, talk to me behind my back, who needs that? I prefer to be alone, but at the same time, loneliness can be to tough to endure.

What do you feel they are talking about when you enter the room?

I understand what you are saying. I do feel crazy sometimes, always thinking "should I say this, should i even care talking? better keep quiet." I feel it, i know it, they are speaking about me, my looks, or a particular situation, laughing about me. And then comes the other situation, where I see the expression on people face, I wish sometimes don't understand anything at all of people faces and emotions. It is so hard to talk to someone, cause if i made a goofy act or talk goofy the other person makes an expression of "what the hell" she is weird, and then comes again, the need for acceptance, cause my all life i felt no one accepted me, and that is why they ignored me.

Can you talk about that? Who did it, what was it like for you (horrible, I'm sure, but what things stuck out for you?)

Everyone, boys, girls, laughing at me, calling me ugly. I guess they woke up one day and decided, well today we will not talk to her, just ignore her. Then my best friend when she was alone with me she was ok but then in front of other people when i talked she always said "shut up" "go away" treating me like crap and that sort of things.

[IceCreamKid]

You are allowing an unhappy history to color your present life. You might benefit from playing cds of positive affirmations, reading them, and/or repeating them on a daily basis. I find them quite helpful and have used them off and on to help myself feel better about myself. Another thing I do is smile and greet people where it is appropriate. While I stand at the bus stop, when someone sits next to me on the bus, when I come into the building at work. If you express a confidant, joyful attitude it tends to attract the same in other people. I have come into a room and overheard others talking bad stuff about me; I didn't do anything about it except ignore it. Some people have bad manners. Focus on being a good person and making friends with other good people and those ill-mannered people will fade in significance to you. Courage!

[objtrbit]

Originally Posted by Christine08

Thanks for taking time responding.

Hi there Christine08,

Yes It hurt. Everyday I came back to my house crying, begging my mom to change schools.

What was it like before you got to the house? Was your mom willing to talk to you right when you got home-do you remember what it was like to tell her? What was her reaction-and how did you feel about it? I'm thinkin talking about it may help uncover he pain that you expereinced back then and is now affecting you today;

I ask this cautiously-what about your dad?

As a kid this happened to me very much, and even know. Everything comes back to my head when this happens, i can't control it

I can imagine the amount of anxiety it kicks up for you when it happens-makes sense that it would be hard and triggering to keep experiencing it.

and the truth is I dont trust people, I don't let anyone close, because I know they will hurt me, talk to me behind my back, who needs that?

Was this just with your peers, or do you recall other relationships in which you felt betrayed?

I prefer to be alone, but at the same time, loneliness can be to tough to endure.

Protecting yourself is a good thing-but your right-there is the lonliness; I can imagine that when you do come across someone you might want to try to trust, it must be so scary, the fear that they could turn on you at any point, and then you're alone again?

I understand what you are saying. I do feel crazy sometimes, always thinking "should I say this, should i even care talking? better keep quiet."

Do you remember the last time this happened? Where were you, what kind of peeps were you with, and when did you start to feel the anxiety? What things were being discussed? I understand if you don't want to throw all of the details out here in public-I can see how that would trigger your fears of what others may think; I hafta say though, it's awesome that you were able to post thus far carry the anxities you have! What do you feel when you end up staying quiet?

I feel it, i know it, they are speaking about me, my looks,

Looks are the first thing that came up for you-have you ever had someone you really respected make a comment about your looks?
Let me know if I am overwhelming you with all these questions yo-I encourage you to be able to express these rather threatening thoughts at your own pace; on that note...what do you feel they are thinking or saying about your looks?

or a particular situation, laughing about me.

You feel like you are living in a constant state of humiliation?

And then comes the other situation, where I see the expression on people face, I wish sometimes don't understand anything at all of people faces and emotions. It is so hard to talk to someone, cause if i made a goofy act or talk goofy the other person makes an expression of "what the hell" she is weird,

Good description-I know those looks; anyone in your family ever give you that look(s)?

and then comes again, the need for acceptance, cause my all life i felt no one accepted me, and that is why they ignored me.

So when people don't give you hurtful looks, they ignore you?! Jeez! Expressing yourself must be difficult if no one is receptive!

Everyone, boys, girls, laughing at me, calling me ugly. I guess they woke up one day and decided, well today we will not talk to her, just ignore her. Then my best friend when she was alone with me she was ok but then in front of other people when i talked she always said "shut up" "go away" treating me like crap and that sort of things.

A best friend? Man, that will do it-it sucks so much when the one person who feel you can trust hurts you; you so deserve to be able to get close to someone and it be safe! I hope you keep talking!

hugs yo!
-obj

[sewerrats]

BABY , dont worry it just human nature, walk in to a bar , an everybody turn,s an looks straight at you till the next person walk s in, then they get the same.

Hope today is a better day, Christine08.

[Christine08]

Hi obj, thank you so much for answering me.

What was it like before you got to the house? Was your mom willing to talk to you right when you got home-do you remember what it was like to tell her? What was her reaction-and how did you feel about it? I'm thinkin talking about it may help uncover he pain that you expereinced back then and is now affecting you today;

I ask this cautiously-what about your dad?

it was awful, I just wanted to get home, to get to my room and cry all that I could. It felt worse, cause I felt like she wasn’t hearing what I was saying, I wanted to change schools and she kept saying “you have to endure, it’s just a few more years and then you don’t have to see them again” but this was hell to me. I don’t think I ever spoke to my father about this, I think he knew, he saw me crying but he didn’t come to me to ask me anything.

I can imagine the amount of anxiety it kicks up for you when it happens-makes sense that it would be hard and triggering to keep experiencing it.

The smallest thing now can triggers everything that happened, I know it may sound stupid, and that it shouldn’t be like this but it’s really something I can’t control.

Was this just with your peers, or do you recall other relationships in which you felt betrayed?

I recall others, with my bf and even with my family, do you know when you realize that even your own family its talking **** about you behind your back?

Protecting yourself is a good thing-but your right-there is the lonliness; I can imagine that when you do come across someone you might want to try to trust, it must be so scary, the fear that they could turn on you at any point, and then you're alone again?

Yes the fear, I recall that every time I talk to someone and then got home, I kept thinking, did I do everything right, did I say something stupid that will made them talk bad about me, why don’t they say to me anything or text me? Well let them be, I don’t need anyone, I’m fine by myself.

Do you remember the last time this happened? Where were you, what kind of peeps were you with, and when did you start to feel the anxiety? What things were being discussed? I understand if you don't want to throw all of the details out here in public-I can see how that would trigger your fears of what others may think; I hafta say though, it's awesome that you were able to post thus far carry the anxities you have! What do you feel when you end up staying quiet?

Yes, it was with some co workers. I’m currently having an internship to conclude my graduation and we were lunching and they were talking bad about other people who they work with, and I remember thinking, I’m I the only one who doesn’t feel the need to talk bad about other people?! Oh well they changed the subject about things when they were young and as always I kept silent and quiet and suddenly one of them said something I can’t say it here because it was not in English it was in another language and I don’t know how to translate and sound the same, but it was something criticizing the fact of me being quiet and it wasn’t the nicest words. I start always when I arrive or when I’m at social meetings, and that’s why I avoid them most of the times. I don’t feel any better, I only feel more anxiety because I’m always careful to what I say, so a end up not bringing my personality out because of the looks they gave me and because I’m afraid of what they may think.
I just feel the need to saying this because honestly I think no one knows I feel about this, and I think the members of PC will understand, I’m hoping that =S. I can’t say this to other people, my bf or my family, because they will think I’m imagining things so I don’t feel any point in saying this, in explaining why I don’t go out, why I don’t want to.

Looks are the first thing that came up for you-have you ever had someone you really respected make a comment about your looks?
Let me know if I am overwhelming you with all these questions yo-I encourage you to be able to express these rather threatening thoughts at your own pace; on that note...what do you feel they are thinking or saying about your looks?

No I don’t think so, well it started with some “friends” on the secondary school and they were talking bad, but I didn’t respect them, not right now, but I think back then they were the only ones in my life, besides family, so that made me think “if they think this way, then that must be truth. That it’s bad. That’s why I do care about my looks, because I don’t want to give a chance to other people saying bad things and hurting me once again, because I do care what other people think or say about me, I can’t change that fact.

You feel like you are living in a constant state of humiliation?
Yes I feel like it, always remembering what it was like to hear the laughs, always bending my head down when I walk through crowds or when I heard a laugh, always think it’s about me. It’s exhausting.
Good description-I know those looks; anyone in your family ever give you that look(s)? Yes they did and there were even times when there were more than one person next to me and then the two of them started looking at each other, smiling and making fun of me, as they were saying “what? Is she nuts?” at least do that when I not notice god damn.
So when people don't give you hurtful looks, they ignore you?! Jeez! Expressing yourself must be difficult if no one is receptive!
No they don’t cause I honestly don’t give a chance to that, I always repel them and don’t give a chance for them to do that, I was referring to those people in school, they ignored me, do not speak to me so I decided to not let anyone get close because I know that some day they will hurt me in some way.
A best friend? Man, that will do it-it sucks so much when the one person who feel you can trust hurts you; you so deserve to be able to get close to someone and it be safe! I hope you keep talking!
Yes it is, because I trusted her, I thought she was there for me, even though she had other friends I always thought I could count on her but she talked bad to me when she was in front of them and when she was alone with me she treated me nice. I think I put an end to our friendship when I started realizing that she said some things to make me discuss with my bf and when found out she was talking about sex with him and was she had already done and when she told me he have told her that he wanted to have sex with other people. I know him for so many years, even before we started dating and he would never think that way and so because of those things and everything behind I decided to put an end to it and I never trust anyone that it’s not me (sometimes even that is hard).

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by Christine08

Have you ever entered a room and suddenly you just realize that everyone was talking about you and suddenly changes the subject. All my life I’ve been around false people, people who talk behind your back, even know, grownups can be like this. I just wonder, how can this be possible, how can a mature adult be cruel and false like that, I honestly can´t deal with it.

Not all adults are emotionally mature. I know, hard to accept, but, I think, it is the case...

[madisgram]

double dipping christine. i feel like this often. recently had a session with T about it. i sometimes just pick the wrong ppl in my life. i'm learning the red flags to know when to not pursue/have a close relationship with them. in other words allowing myself to be surrounded by unhealthy ppl. then i wonder how bad things happen. actually i need to protect myself better. i need to select ppl who have the similar values as me.

[objtrbit]

[quote=Christine08;2056386]Hi obj, thank you so much for answering me.

No proly yo! Um, I asked:

What was it like before you got to the house? Was your mom willing to talk to you right when you got home-do you remember what it was like to tell her? What was her reaction-and how did you feel about it?

You said:

it was awful, I just wanted to get home, to get to my room and cry all that I could. It felt worse, cause I felt like she wasn’t hearing what I was saying, I wanted to change schools and she kept saying “you have to endure, it’s just a few more years and then you don’t have to see them again” but this was hell to me. I don’t think I ever spoke to my father about this, I think he knew, he saw me crying but he didn’t come to me to ask me anything.

When your mom said you had to endure, you said it was hell for you-you remember what were you thinking about your mom after she told that to you? Where were you in the house when you tod, her, what was she doing? I'm hoping to help you really go back to that time, I feel you suffered at such a great level from this incident;

Your father saw you crying?

The smallest thing now can triggers everything that happened, I know it may sound stupid, and that it shouldn’t be like this but it’s really something I can’t control.

Doesn't sound stupid to me at all; something happened to where you felt humiliated as a kid-it was traumatic; you couldn't control it back then-nor should you have even had to as a kid. So now when similar situations happen, you feel just like you did back then;

I had asked:

Was this just with your peers, or do you recall other relationships in which you felt betrayed?

I recall others, with my bf and even with my family, do you know when you realize that even your own family its talking **** about you behind your back?

I'm thinkin the family is the critical point-what hurts more than those who are the closest to you? I can't imagine how alone that must have made you feel!

Yes the fear, I recall that every time I talk to someone and then got home, I kept thinking, did I do everything right, did I say something stupid that will made them talk bad about me, why don’t they say to me anything or text me? Well let them be, I don’t need anyone, I’m fine by myself.

This right here I think is the center of the recreation; as a kid, I don't think you did anything wrong, I don't think you ever said something stupid. What I do think though, is that as a kid, you were sure made to feel this way-maybe even on a painfully constant basis as well-much like your current life? Your mom did not let you change schools, she made you 'endure', that is, go at it alone, by yourself-and that is how you cope today-"I don't need anyone, I'm fine by myself" because your parents proved that they wouldn't help you?

Yes, it was with some co workers. I’m currently having an internship to conclude my graduation

(congradulations! that's hard work-I dread grad school lol)

and we were lunching and they were talking bad about other people who they work with, and I remember thinking, I’m I the only one who doesn’t feel the need to talk bad about other people?!

Yeah, talking bad about others sure does take the pressures off of them...blah!

Oh well they changed the subject about things when they were young and as always I kept silent and quiet and suddenly one of them said something I can’t say it here because it was not in English it was in another language and I don’t know how to translate and sound the same, but it was something criticizing the fact of me being quiet and it wasn’t the nicest words.

Shame on them! Nice of them to blame you for feeling the need to keep it on the down low;

I start always when I arrive or when I’m at social meetings, and that’s why I avoid them most of the times. I don’t feel any better, I only feel more anxiety because I’m always careful to what I say, so a end up not bringing my personality out because of the looks they gave me and because I’m afraid of what they may think.

That's defintitly no way to live!

I just feel the need to saying this because honestly I think no one knows I feel about this, and I think the members of PC will understand, I’m hoping that =S. I can’t say this to other people, my bf or my family, because they will think I’m imagining things

Sometimes I swear people get caught up in their reality so much that they fail to see another's reality. What I mean is-well, okay worst case scenerio-you are imaging it-even then, you are experiencing actual humiliation-why is that being ignored? Someone telling you that you are imagining these things is awfully invalidating-I just fail to see how that could help a person. It doesn't sound like your family is listening;....did you say you had to end the bf relationship?

I had asked:

Looks are the first thing that came up for you-have you ever had someone you really respected make a comment about your looks?
Let me know if I am overwhelming you with all these questions yo-I encourage you to be able to express these rather threatening thoughts at your own pace; on that note...what do you feel they are thinking or saying about your looks?

No I don’t think so, well it started with some “friends” on the secondary school and they were talking bad, but I didn’t respect them, not right now, but I think back then they were the only ones in my life, besides family, so that made me think “if they think this way, then that must be truth. That it’s bad.

What do you feel your family thinks?

That’s why I do care about my looks, because I don’t want to give a chance to other people saying bad things and hurting me once again, because I do care what other people think or say about me, I can’t change that fact.

I truley do not believe that crap about "choosing" to not let people affect us; hurt is hurt-if we are hurt by it, denying it will only make that anger come out destructivly on ourselves. Eventually, however, we can get to a point where the things that used to trigger us so badly have less and less impact, because it has been worked through at one's own pace; what people say about you is triggering you, hurting you deeply. I do believe that you don't have to live in this constant state of checking over what you said, or did-this fear of humilation, forever. It definitly will not change overnight fo sure yo!

You feel like you are living in a constant state of humiliation?
Yes I feel like it, always remembering what it was like to hear the laughs, always bending my head down when I walk through crowds or when I heard a laugh, always think it’s about me. It’s exhausting.

Belive it or not, eventhough what you are experiencing now is your "normal"...I do believe you could have that life where people laughing will not immediatly make you judge yourself, or worry. I encourage you to keep talking at your own pace-if possible with all my questions

Good description-I know those looks; anyone in your family ever give you that look(s)? Yes they did and there were even times when there were more than one person next to me and then the two of them started looking at each other, smiling and making fun of me, as they were saying “what? Is she nuts?” at least do that when I not notice god damn.

What do you remember about this incident(s)? Were you at dinner? Out somewhere? Who did the looks come from? Why do you think they felt that way? What were you feeling?

A best friend? Man, that will do it-it sucks so much when the one person who feel you can trust hurts you; you so deserve to be able to get close to someone and it be safe! I hope you keep talking!
Yes it is, because I trusted her, I thought she was there for me, even though she had other friends I always thought I could count on her but she talked bad to me when she was in front of them and when she was alone with me she treated me nice. I think I put an end to our friendship when I started realizing that she said some things to make me discuss with my bf and when found out she was talking about sex with him and was she had already done and when she told me he have told her that he wanted to have sex with other people. I know him for so many years, even before we started dating and he would never think that way and so because of those things and everything behind I decided to put an end to it and I never trust anyone that it’s not me (sometimes even that is hard).

wow yo-I can see how talk like that could upset things fer sure; that is double threat of abandonment here-one in the form of betrayal by your friend, then someone implying betrayal from your bf; ho are things between you and your bf now? Sorry if I repeated this question somewhere....

Not fun stuff yo! There's something about talking abiut things that allows us to sort through things...it will also bring you closer to deep pain; in theory, the more you let all the pain and anger out, the more energy you will have to focus on learning how to recognize healthy relationships...people who will respect you will suddenly fall into your life. I am not telling a forchune though-sounded a little like it-all in my opinion; I know I'm not so humble sometimes-it be a work in progress-but I so beleive in talking proly's out;

Take care,
-obj

[Christine08]

I said:
It was awful, I just wanted to get home, to get to my room and cry all that I could. It felt worse, cause I felt like she wasn’t hearing what I was saying, I wanted to change schools and she kept saying “you have to endure, it’s just a few more years and then you don’t have to see them again” but this was hell to me. I don’t think I ever spoke to my father about this, I think he knew, he saw me crying but he didn’t come to me to ask me anything.

You said:
When your mom said you had to endure, you said it was hell for you-you remember what were you thinking about your mom after she told that to you? Where were you in the house when you tod, her, what was she doing? I'm hoping to help you really go back to that time, I feel you suffered at such a great level from this incident;

I remember to think that she didn’t understand what I was going through, that she was cold to “ignore” my appealing because I needed her, I wasn’t young enough to make decisions or to do things by my own hands, I needed someone that could tell me that everything was going to be ok that I didn’t have to endure all of that anymore. It’s funny, you would think that someone who suffers from depression (my mom) would understand the pain, the crises, but when I say to her that I need to see a psychologist see says to me that I don’t have issues that bring me down and that other people have worst things they deal with and sometimes even ask me “why?” even thought she has seen me at my worst even thought she took me to hospital when I tried suicide with pills. I’m sorry for writing such a huge text but this as been here for so long (god I’m crying).

I was in my room, I think she heard my screaming’s from crying and then entered the room. I don’t know what she was doing because I entered my house and go directly to my bed.

Your father saw you crying?

That time specifically no, I think he was working, but at other times I think he did or my mom told him, my mom tells him everything that happens to me, because honestly I don’t.

I said
The smallest thing now can triggers everything that happened, I know it may sound stupid, and that it shouldn’t be like this but it’s really something I can’t control.

You said
So now when similar situations happen, you feel just like you did back then

This is so true!!! Sobbing




Your mom did not let you change schools, she made you 'endure', that is, go at it alone, by yourself-and that is how you cope today-"I don't need anyone, I'm fine by myself" because your parents proved that they wouldn't help you?

I think this makes absolutely sense to me. They didn’t help me, even know they don’t. When I’m in my room, crying non stopping, shaking, hurting myself, this is me asking for help, when I said to my mom, I need a shrink because I don’t want to live, I asked for help, they didn’t give it to me, they did what they always done, you endure that and some day it will pass (of course it will, when I end my life).

I was seeing a psychologist, my bf took me there but I wasn’t feeling any good, and I didn’t feel better telling all that so I left. I’m beginning to think no one can help me.

(congradulations! that's hard work-I dread grad school lol)

Thank you =) I’m happy with myself for this because I didn’t give up to reach a good grade of education. Did you? Seriously? I think it’s great, the learning and that, we became mature, and also it’s another atmosphere, with different people we are used to.

Yeah, talking bad about others sure does take the pressures off of them...blah!

Lol I think so too, I swear to god sometimes I think it’s the only way they get to be happy, talking about the lives of other people.

I said
I start always when I arrive or when I’m at social meetings, and that’s why I avoid them most of the times. I don’t feel any better, I only feel more anxiety because I’m always careful to what I say, so a end up not bringing my personality out because of the looks they gave me and because I’m afraid of what they may think.

You said
That's definitely no way to live!

I think so too, but what can I do? I tried to change that but it didn’t work, so I just keepburying myself in.

I just feel the need to saying this because honestly I think no one knows I feel about this, and I think the members of PC will understand, I’m hoping that =S. I can’t say this to other people, my bf or my family, because they will think I’m imagining things

You asked:

Looks are the first thing that came up for you-have you ever had someone you really respected make a comment about your looks?
Let me know if I am overwhelming you with all these questions yo-I encourage you to be able to express these rather threatening thoughts at your own pace; on that note...what do you feel they are thinking or saying about your looks?

I said
No I don’t think so, well it started with some “friends” on the secondary school and they were talking bad, but I didn’t respect them, not right now, but I think back then they were the only ones in my life, besides family, so that made me think “if they think this way, then that must be truth. That it’s bad.

What do you feel your family thinks?

I think my close family thinks I’m appealing, they even said that once or twice, but what can this means? My mom thinks I don’t need therapy as for the rest they talk behind each others back, they could have just said that and thinking that it’s no true.
.

I truley do not believe that crap about "choosing" to not let people affect us; hurt is hurt-if we are hurt by it, denying it will only make that anger come out destructivly on ourselves.

Yeah I get that point, because I heard one or two people saying that what other people think or say doesn’t have an impact on them and that they don’t care, but I honestly think that already comes with them, that it was developed in their lives, I think it’s great for them but I also think they have a limit to it, cause I think no one is indestructible to words and at some point they to suffer from it.

I said
Yes they did and there were even times when there were more than one person next to me and then the two of them started looking at each other, smiling and making fun of me, as they were saying “what? Is she nuts?” at least do that when I not notice god damn.


You asked
What do you remember about this incident(s)? Were you at dinner? Out somewhere? Who did the looks come from? Why do you think they felt that way? What were you feeling?

I was at a birthday party at my cousin’s house and with was my sister and cousin that did that. I think I said something in a way I don’t usually do, like I’m smiling and talking loud, you know, in some way more energetic, maybe it was because of that, I shut this side because everyone always give that looks.

wow yo-I can see how talk like that could upset things fer sure; that is double threat of abandonment here-one in the form of betrayal by your friend, then someone implying betrayal from your bf; ho are things between you and your bf now? Sorry if I repeated this question somewhere....

They are fine we have some troubles but it is because of other things that I already discuss here on PC.
He has diminished the pressure he did to me, because he wanted me to go out more times with him and his friends, I didn’t feel like it, because then I would had to see her and because we distanced from each other she always ended up putting me aside from the group of girls( girls who date my boyfriend’s friends ) and there was even a time when she called all of them (the girls) to go drink and toast to girls and all the boys stayed outside, well guess what, they didn’t take me with them and didn’t invite me in.
Back to the other thing, I believed it in him because when she was saying that to me I remember thinking (oh I already know what he said to you, that he didn’t feel the need to have sex with other people) because I know him and he was my friend before we dated and she was giving other signs that she was trying to create a bad atmosphere between me and my boyfriend.

The more energy you will have to focus on learning how to recognize healthy relationships...people who will respect you will suddenly fall into your life.

Those people really exist? I’m taking a hard time believing it. I don’t have proof for that, my “friends”, family, even boyfriend. I know people have flaws and that they’re not perfect, but I do not expect for them to be, I only expect that they gave me their best, not perfection, only the best they could, but they expect me to accept someone who talks bad about others, because I’m done and trough with that.


I lost the interest and the trust in people and i can't replace that, for anything, i can't gain it again, or at least i don't know why, maybe I wasn't meant to have friends, the emptiness seems endless.

[Christine08]

Hope today is a better day, Christine08.

Thank you Byzantine, i hope it too and that better days come.

double dipping christine. i feel like this often. recently had a session with T about it. i sometimes just pick the wrong ppl in my life. i'm learning the red flags to know when to not pursue/have a close relationship with them. in other words allowing myself to be surrounded by unhealthy ppl. then i wonder how bad things happen. actually i need to protect myself better. i need to select ppl who have the similar values as me.
Thank you madisgramAnd you have encounter them? Because it's dificult to found someone with identic values and that always understands us, what we've been going through. I think i wouldn't have the guts to say to someone, "you know i once tried to kill my self and i sometimes feel very angry with myself and hurt me on purpose" i think they will get away lol. But yeah i understand what you're saying, about to choose people.

BABY , dont worry it just human nature, walk in to a bar , an everybody turn,s an looks straight at you till the next person walk s in, then they get the same.

Thanks sewerrats, that is really truth, can't change human nature lol.

[objtrbit]

Heya Christine08,

When I say you have a lot of hurt and, it may sound like an obvious statement-but damn; there's a few lines in here that worry me in terms of you harming yourself;

It's really hard to beleive you're worthwhile if your parents never made you feel you were; that's painful as hell-I just wanted to remind you that you can always make a call to either a suicide hotline, or medical hospital, ect-I'm not a metnal health pro yet, so I highly encourage you to seek another psychologist if you feel the one that was helping you was not effective; it sure is not going to be an easy road to healing, fer sure;

I had a friend go through something called an "emergency phase/state" dealing with SA; she failed outta school, her parents abandoned her, lost her phone and car, pushed away all her friends, had nightmares everynight-would sitdown and stare off into space and snap out of it only to realize it was now evening; things can get really bad-but she has picked up her life, started all over with major disadvantages. It is possible.
I hope you have an outlet that you find fun;

I'm sorry if I've jumped the gun and assumed that you are suicidal-trying to look out for ya though; please get support from a licensed psychologist if you do find yourself day dreaming about it, or contemplated the means to do so-any of that;

PC is a great outlet yo, I hope you keep posting,
take care and ill get back to replying to the last one soon,
pm me if you ever want to;
-obj

[objtrbit]

Originally Posted by Christine08

I said:
It was awful, I just wanted to get home, to get to my room and cry all that I could. It felt worse, cause I felt like she wasn’t hearing what I was saying, I wanted to change schools and she kept saying “you have to endure, it’s just a few more years and then you don’t have to see them again” but this was hell to me. I don’t think I ever spoke to my father about this, I think he knew, he saw me crying but he didn’t come to me to ask me anything.

-wow yo, its neglectful for a parent to see you crying like that and blow it off as something you just need to deal with; even if there was a reason they couldn't switch schools for you, you should at the very least feel at the end of the day like they listened to you.


You said:
When your mom said you had to endure, you said it was hell for you-you remember what were you thinking about your mom after she told that to you? Where were you in the house when you tod, her, what was she doing? I'm hoping to help you really go back to that time, I feel you suffered at such a great level from this incident;

I remember to think that she didn’t understand what I was going through, that she was cold to “ignore” my appealing because I needed her, I wasn’t young enough to make decisions or to do things by my own hands, I needed someone that could tell me that everything was going to be ok that I didn’t have to endure all of that anymore.

I'm sorry that she wasn't there for you in that time-was this a patern for your mom? You needed her and she wasn't there? Sounds like you may have encountered that if your mom had depression;

It’s funny, you would think that someone who suffers from depression (my mom) would understand the pain, the crises, but when I say to her that I need to see a psychologist see says to me that I don’t have issues that bring me down

o0; man, pain is pain-how is pain comparable if pain is what you're feeling?!

and that other people have worst things they deal with and sometimes even ask me “why?” even thought she has seen me at my worst even thought she took me to hospital when I tried suicide with pills. I’m sorry for writing such a huge text but this as been here for so long (god I’m crying).

I think it's good to get it out; you should have been able to see a psychologist way before it went all the way down to you ending up in the hospital-you shouldn't have had to ask at all; did your mom see a psychologist for her depression?

I was in my room, I think she heard my screaming’s from crying and then entered the room. I don’t know what she was doing because I entered my house and go directly to my bed.

And then your mom just ended up telling you that you had to endure?

Your father saw you crying?

That time specifically no, I think he was working, but at other times I think he did or my mom told him, my mom tells him everything that happens to me, because honestly I don’t.

What would happen if you went to your dad for something like this? How did he react to you coming to him in the past?

I said
The smallest thing now can triggers everything that happened, I know it may sound stupid, and that it shouldn’t be like this but it’s really something I can’t control.

You said
So now when similar situations happen, you feel just like you did back then

This is so true!!! Sobbing

Yeah it hurts now just like it did back then; I'd go easy on yourself because the little kid inside you needs to heal too, you know? Being laughed at by family members the way you were was not funny-these people are suposed to care about you-but if they laugh at you it can definitly send mixed messages-and then how can you develop normal relationships at school? I see your difficulty there yo;



Your mom did not let you change schools, she made you 'endure', that is, go at it alone, by yourself-and that is how you cope today-"I don't need anyone, I'm fine by myself" because your parents proved that they wouldn't help you?

I think this makes absolutely sense to me. They didn’t help me, even know they don’t. When I’m in my room, crying non stopping, shaking, hurting myself, this is me asking for help, when I said to my mom, I need a shrink because I don’t want to live, I asked for help, they didn’t give it to me, they did what they always done, you endure that and some day it will pass (of course it will, when I end my life).

This is the comment that caused me intitial concern-but I see the point you were making; you must have felt like they didn't care at all. It is one thing to tell a child that everyone has their bad days, but to not sit down with your kid and let them cry and talk it all out and actually empathize with them-that is not the same thing. Crying non-stop should be the main trigger-not letting it go till you are self harming. I hope you can surround yourself with people that do listen-you may have to work through a lot of trust issues to be able to find these types of people too.

I was seeing a psychologist, my bf took me there but I wasn’t feeling any good, and I didn’t feel better telling all that so I left. I’m beginning to think no one can help me.

are you able to talk more about the reasons you left? You felt like talking about it didn't help? Was your psychologist directing the sessions, or were you? How did you feel about it?
It sucks that when you finally get to go to one, you felt disappointed-maybe there was a reason why;

(congradulations! that's hard work-I dread grad school lol)

Thank you =) I’m happy with myself for this because I didn’t give up to reach a good grade of education. Did you? Seriously? I think it’s great, the learning and that, we became mature, and also it’s another atmosphere, with different people we are used to.

Grad school is a huge accomplishment-a lot of hard work and late nights-the late nights is what I dread lol, I value my sleep. What did you end up going to school for?

I said
I start always when I arrive or when I’m at social meetings, and that’s why I avoid them most of the times. I don’t feel any better, I only feel more anxiety because I’m always careful to what I say, so a end up not bringing my personality out because of the looks they gave me and because I’m afraid of what they may think.

You said
That's definitely no way to live!

I think so too, but what can I do? I tried to change that but it didn’t work, so I just keepburying myself in.

I'm thinkin that there's hope, just keep talking about it-looks like your doing a lot of emotional work and really feeling the anger and hurt by your parents-the more you go back there the more you may see it in current life-it's the curse of analysis-but what happens is slowly something changes, all of a sudden it doesn't affect you as much-still bothers you-but now you find yourself naturally handling the situation differently, seeking out the people you even if they do talk behind your back, care enough to talk with you about it-show you that they care and that what you say matters. I ended up having to confront my parents about a lot of things, and it tore up the relationship we had temporarily, but then healed back without the supressed anger that I was holding. This option isnt a mandatory step in the healing process-you will know what feels right for you-I still find it useful to take out the worst of my dad issues on my psychologist lol. At the end of the day, he's still my psychologist and we talk about it and work through it. I think an experience like that would help you a lot.

I just feel the need to saying this because honestly I think no one knows I feel about this, and I think the members of PC will understand, I’m hoping that =S. I can’t say this to other people, my bf or my family, because they will think I’m imagining things

And so anyone who says "this too may pass" may trigger you-same with real life too; telling you that you are imagining things is basically telling you what your parents did about changing schools.

What do you feel your family thinks?

I think my close family thinks I’m appealing, they even said that once or twice, but what can this means? My mom thinks I don’t need therapy as for the rest they talk behind each others back, they could have just said that and thinking that it’s no true.
.
I'm not sure I know what they mean by appealing...do you take that as a good thing or a bad thing? Your family members talk behind each other's backs a lot?

I
I said
Yes they did and there were even times when there were more than one person next to me and then the two of them started looking at each other, smiling and making fun of me, as they were saying “what? Is she nuts?” at least do that when I not notice god damn.

You asked
What do you remember about this incident(s)? Were you at dinner? Out somewhere? Who did the looks come from? Why do you think they felt that way? What were you feeling?

I was at a birthday party at my cousin’s house and with was my sister and cousin that did that. I think I said something in a way I don’t usually do, like I’m smiling and talking loud, you know, in some way more energetic, maybe it was because of that, I shut this side because everyone always give that looks.

I have to wonder if they were jealous of you being able to be that free back then; I'm sorry that they discouraged that side of you, I bet it is an awesome side; there seems to be certain quirks about people that is discouraged-like snorting when laughing-I love that, it's funny and a good sign of happiness-but nothing one should be made fun of though. You ever feel you could get that side of you back?

He has diminished the pressure he did to me, because he wanted me to go out more times with him and his friends, I didn’t feel like it, because then I would had to see her and because we distanced from each other she always ended up putting me aside from the group of girls( girls who date my boyfriend’s friends ) and there was even a time when she called all of them (the girls) to go drink and toast to girls and all the boys stayed outside, well guess what, they didn’t take me with them and didn’t invite me in.

That's not cool at all! I have had similar expereinces-I hide at parties actually, and I'm always scared that I'm not going to be invited-that is hurtful, what they did! I don't know why people do that yo, you sure didn't deserve to expereince that. Combining groups can be really tough sometimes too-the boyfriend's friends may not be as accepting-that creates a difficult social situation right from the start. I'm sorry that they didn't make you feel welcome;

Back to the other thing, I believed it in him because when she was saying that to me I remember thinking (oh I already know what he said to you, that he didn’t feel the need to have sex with other people) because I know him and he was my friend before we dated and she was giving other signs that she was trying to create a bad atmosphere between me and my boyfriend.

She is definitly the type of person to avoid if you feel that your boyfriend is genuine; these rumors and drama can get out of hand-people can be just plain spiteful sometimes too-I hope you are able to stay clear of these.

I had said earlier....
The more energy you will have to focus on learning how to recognize healthy relationships...people who will respect you will suddenly fall into your life.

Those people really exist? I’m taking a hard time believing it. I don’t have proof for that, my “friends”, family, even boyfriend. I know people have flaws and that they’re not perfect, but I do not expect for them to be, I only expect that they gave me their best, not perfection, only the best they could, but they expect me to accept someone who talks bad about others, because I’m done and trough with that.

These people do exist-and your expectations of them are right on-that's what you deserve from someone. Yeah I wouldn't accept someone who talks bad about others either-be careful though-sometimes we become our parents and can't see it, we do things to pull for what's familiar-which is conflict.

I lost the interest and the trust in people and i can't replace that, for anything, i can't gain it again, or at least i don't know why, maybe I wasn't meant to have friends, the emptiness seems endless.

You are feeling a lot here-I'm thinking you're in the middle of a long healing process; I don't have to do any convincing that what you went through was not how it was suposed to go down-so that's one step in a good direction for you; I hope you hang in there yo;

Take care,
-obj