Personality Change?

My hubby seems to have undergone a personality change, wh/ I thought wasn't really possible.

I am not sure how to really explain what has transpired. We have been married 20 years. This is a second marriage. The last nine or so years, I have seen a continuing change in my husband's way of dealing with the world, interacting with me . . . and it is baffling.

I don't know how to define what has changed, but will try. The man I married was patient, kind, very positive and upbeat, had a great sense of humor, was very straightforward and honest. Now, I ask a question and he is very vague about giving an answer . . . he hides information . . . he has a trigger temper and goes into what I would best describe as "tantrums." In conversation, he regularly blame shifts, finger points, and although he doesn't actually tell a lie, he will leave out information and details - and he does so very purposely.

It is all very strange. We have all had nothing but respect for this man - he has worked hard in his career, rose to the top, but then suddenly seemed to lose grip, lost his job . . . at the same time his personality seemed to change. My family and I can pinpoint the time the changes started, as we were all quite taken back at the suddenness of the differences. This began to be noticed about 9 years ago.

At the time, we were concerned he had experienced a mini-stroke or heart attack - something that possibly affected his brain in some way. However, he had no health issues at that time . . . three years ago, he had a cardiac episode and was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. So many folks who have noticed changes in his behavior have suggested it must have something to do with medications, but the changes began before he started medication. He was never on any type of medication at all for any disease prior to 3 years ago.

He is 66 years old. The changes seem to be continuing. His temper is getting worse - gets upset w/o little or any outside provocation. He is extremely critical and disparaging, moreso to me than anyone else. He does passive aggressive things that just seem mean-spirited - it comes across like a naughty child trying to get revenge - but for what??? He seems to aim his anger towards me most of the time, but sometimes takes it out on random folks he encounters and sometimes has outbursts in front of our adult children.

I haven't explained all this very well . . . I don't know what to try to describe - it is all very subtle and maddening! Let's just say - my family and I often feel this is a person we don't even know . . . and I, myself, feel a profound sense of loss - as this man does not even remind me of the person I married most of the time. I stay very puzzled b/c we simply do not interact at all as we used to. I don't feel I even know who he is any longer. It is as though I woke up one day and this "other person" had taken over his body.

My stepkids and my own son are as puzzled as I am. Sometimes, we see glimpses of the man we all knew . . . or thought we knew! None of us can believe a person would suddenly change this much in his mid-50s. It just doesn't make sense.

He refuses to even discuss consulting a mental health professional. He is a highly educated man (doctorate) . . . his ex-wife is paranoid schizophrenic, he went through about 15 years of off and on psychiatrists visits in conjunction w/ his wife's therapy . . . and says his days of sitting in a therapist's office are over.

I feel as though I have lost my husband and instead am now living in a perplexing situation that I don't understand. It feels like I am grieving a loss, yet dealing w/ a reality I don't comprehend.

Can a person suddenly change this much?

What you describe sounds very confusing and must be very hard for you to deal with. It does not make sense that he would change so drastically under the circumstances you describe. Like your post alludes to, you are searching for a triggering event to make sense of it. A full medical workup would rule out anything physiological causing the change and barring that therapy to look for psychological triggers that would explain the change. Him being unwilling to seach for a cause leaves you powerless to do anything.

TY Kaliope. Yes, we are all trying to understand what "triggered" this change.

He has been through extensive health check ups - he is in a cardiac program since his episode 3 years ago. He has several doctors he visits every six weeks to 3 months (depending on each doctor's specialty). They tell us there is no indication he had a stroke or previous cardiac arrest.

This has left me, indeed, thinking that it is a psychological issue . . . but no getting him to a psychiatrist or psychologist.

I feel very defeated by all this - beaten down emotionally. His health is precarious and I keep telling myself that I came so close to losing him - I should be patient and realize how frightening it has been for him to face his mortality and to have been forced into so many changes in his life. His heart is damaged and he has little stamina . . . and can't do the things he used to love doing (outdoors activities). So I know this frustrates him. I can see how that could make a person feel bitter about life. But the changes are so much more than just a bad attitude or snarling temperament. He just comes across as an entirely "different" person - mean, spiteful, angry. It is the obfuscation that gets to me the most - well, that and the bickering and need to create drama.

I just wondered if a dramatic personality change is even possible at his age. Was he "hiding" who he really is all these years? Can a person even do that????

Although you say he had been tested at the time the change started, was he tested for Alzheimer? I'm not a doctor of course, but I know a lady who explains her husband exactly as you do. His personality did a complete 180 and he's totally opposite from the man she married. It is Alzheimer disease. After many years struggling with it he now has all of the other signs as well. But, that was one of the first things to go was his personality.

Like I said I"m not a doctor and I don't know what tests you have done on him. But, that came to me as soon as I started reading.

Ty DarkHeart! Yes, he has gone thru/ memory tests . . . and since they occurred after his cardiac Dx, the h/c professionals say "meds can have an affect on his attitude, the way he responds, etc."

But the changes started years b/f he was put on meds.

Here is ex. of a simple interchange this past weekend. I was making out a grocery list. He had fed the cat that morning. I asked him "Should we get more cat food?"

He replied, "I fed the cat."

I said: "Yes, I know you did. Thank you. But do we need more cat food."

He replied "If you fed the cat, then you would know."

I said: "Okay. True. So are we low on cat food?"

He said: "There is some left."

I said: "Well, how much is left? Should I buy some more? Enough for a few days?"

He didn't answer.

So I got up and checked on the cat food, lol. There was half a bag and half a dozen cans.

As I was checking on the amount of cat food, he said "As you can see, there is plenty of cat food."

All he had to say was "No, don't buy cat food." or "Yes." or "I am not sure how much is left - you better check."

Every simple exchange has turned into these silly drawnout conversations, and usually something passive aggressive about them.

He doesn't like the cat. Instead of relaying to me how much cat food there was, he relayed that he resents feeding the cat and he withheld how much cat food he knew there was just to make that point. I mean - this is inane stuff and nearly every exchange w/ him (by me and by our kids) is this same type of convoluted, indirect silliness.

Consequently, we all avoid interacting with him. Asking a simple question while making out a grocery list could just as well have gotten a tirade about the cat in general . . . I never know what I am gonna get but it is rarely just "Yes, No, or I don't know."

I am sure this doesn't convey things very well . . . just trying to give a real life example of how he makes it unpleasant to have even simple exchanges. And that is only one aspect of dealing with him. He just seems mean-spirited most of the time - when the person I married was basically optimistic and very kind and overall, a very pleasant person to spend time around.

Have you talked to him about it? Asked him why he's so crabby? Does he have insight, is he in denial?

Yes, I have asked him why he is giving me round-about answers. I have also asked him if he realized he is doing this and if there is a reason he has changed his way of communicating.

The kids have also asked him why he seems so angry without provocation.

I have also chosen quiet moments when things were okay to tell him it is good seeing him "be his old self" and asked him if he realized how difficult he is at other times.

He is fully aware of what he is doing and saying, it appears.

When questioned about some capricious action he has taken (for ex. spending money for something we had not discussed when the $$ was not in the budget to spend on that item/repair) . . . he uses strategies such as finger-pointing, changing the subject, turning the tables, blame shifting, etc. rather than admit what he did, take responsibility, apologize - whatever. In the past, he NEVER employed such tactics. But in the past, he would never have done the things he does now, lol.

The change in my husband is dramatic. He has been the type of person others look up to - very stable, measured, considerate, dependable. school board, church lay minister, chairman of professional societies, etc - the person everyone looked up to, including myself and the kids. A good man in public and the same person at home - no onstage behavior wh/ is often seen w/ people who are in the public eye.

He has withdrawn f/ his public duties bit by bit over the last 10 years - said he had done his duty - and it was someone else's turn, which wasn't surprising - he wanted more free time at home. He is a Type A personality and an ENTJ if anyone out there is interested in personality typing.

He has been assessed for depression in the last three years and supposedly he is not depressed. He is definitely angry that life threw him a curve ball with his health. But as far as classic depression - it certainly isn't manifesting in that way. He seems to focus on everyone else's behavior - attempting to micro-manage and criticize and often, playing the martyr.

He will do tasks he isn't expected to do - and then get angry about "having" to do them. Our adult children have mixed feelings about spending time w/ us b/c they so often get accosted about some task he felt they should have performed that he did himself - without asking for assistance - and then berates everyone for later - and pouts about.

Can bitterness and anger alter how someone reacts to everything in life? It is as though he takes pleasure in creating drama and seeing us all hurt and upset, as if he wants to punish us.

Well then, according to the very short book, How To Serve Man (it's not a cookbook) by the hankster, if he's EATING okay, how's the other thing? You don't have to answer that! But would he go on a couples' retreat, or go for a couples' massage at a day spa, if you threaten him with couples therapy as the alternative? Or what HE find fun that you could do with him that you wouldn't ordinarily do?

hankster, you're some diagnostician! I'll wander another way while you're thinking ...

In all the medical profiles that have been done, were there any brain scans? MRIs? I'm thinking of a slow-growing tumor or some other sort or brain changes such as white matter disease. Do you know whether he has ever suffered head injuries? Sometimes very small aneurysms can rupture causing damage but not death.

Just grasping at straws here ...

You don't think all this change w/ his behavior could stem from ED?

He is on testosterone and we have tried various pills (you know the ones! lol) and nada.

However, that development (ED) has only been in the last 3 years (and is fairly common, we are told, w/ the meds he is taking). The personality issues were showing up prior to that, tho.

I guess I have trouble grasping that not having sex could affect anyone's personality this way. But then, I am not a man.

Good call, actually! I have grasped at that straw, too . . . he had an MR done last year. Healthy brain, no anomalies.

I really appreciate you trying to help me think this through. Hubby and I had a very compatible, fun relationship b/f things started falling apart. We are intellectually suited (I am INTJ) . . . we share books, music . . .love to travel together. Well, we did, anyway.

You all have brought something to mind . . . He and I have consistently made a lot of "romantic" gestures for one another . . . breakfast in bed, champagne and roses "for no reason," drinks in the jacuzzi . . . and we don't do this anymore. Why should we?

When things don't go as "expected" in the intimacy department, he makes me feel it is MY fault . . . Hmmmm.

Gonna think about all this some more.

Hi Kattic, welcome to Psych Central!


I'm not a mental health professional and I obviously don't know your husband, so this is only a flight of fancy. Still, here's what I'm picturing:

Suppose that for most of his life, he has it figured out that if only he can manage to keep doing A, B, and C, everything will somehow work out for him. Something like this:-- Willy Loman, protagonist of Death of a Salesman

Suppose, further, that at some point he decides his "formula" doesn't seem to be getting him where he hoped it would. He becomes aware of more and more things he's wanted to be, or do, or have, that he probably won't get to be or do or have. I can picture about four options that he'd have at that point, though of course this might not be exactly how they'd look to him:

1. Keep plugging along doing what he's been doing and hope that he'll eventually get a different result that he likes better.

2. Blame himself for whatever doesn't seem to be working in his life and perhaps get depressed about it.

3. Blame others for whatever doesn't seem to be working in his life, show them the error of their ways, and get even.

4. Notice and accept whatever has happened (including what he had to do with it); focus on what he could do, starting from where he is right now; find what he'll be satisfied doing; and do that.

It sounds as if your husband might have found himself in some such situation and chosen #3 above.

It sounds as though if any one of you were to take this up with him individually, he'd tell you it was your problem. I don't know much about interventions, the kind where (typically) an alcohol or drug abuser is confronted by a group of family, friends and treatment team who make him an offer he can't refuse. Do you suppose something along those lines could help persuade your husband to seek proper evaluation and treatment? Can you think of anyone you could ask?

TY so much FooZe!

Very helpful list - quite thought provoking.

If we all grouped to talk to him, he would most likely go into a rage, followed by bronchial spasms and a call to 911. That has been the pattern thus far, and after 3 of these episodes (wh/ include cardiac rhythm disruptions). . . I am in no hurry to set up #4.

That's a sure way to end a discussion.

There is no one who can talk to him, sadly.

I have been thinking about this situation a lot this week. I have no doubt he feels he has failed with his career, even tho he has a good job and is considered an expert in his field. But it is not his first choice for how to spend his days . . . he was at the top of his field in a different role and made a bad career move . . . and had to step back and go a different route in order to stay employed. Plus, his earning capacity was slashed at the point he should have been making the highest salary of his career. I know this was devastating to him.

His peers have retired now, with very handsome pensions and assets into the millions of dollars . . . He is angry; he knows I am disappointed. His career decisions affected my career path, too.

Sexually, I resent being bullied into pleasing him when I sure as heck am getting nothing out of the experience. No matter how gently, kindly or patiently I explain how this makes me feel, he gets mean-spirited. At some point, he will turn the conversation into personal comments about how I look (I have gained some weight but not like I am obese). I think part of his self esteem rests in seeing me look fabulous, wh/ makes him feel more valued.

He changed jobs about 9 years ago and got involved w/ a coworker 20 years his junior. To make a long story short, he embarrassed himself in public w/ his "friend" and whether it was an emotional affair or something else, it was a betrayal as far as I was concerned.

I sought counseling, but he would not go. I felt he had issues that needed to be addressed (his need to be A Star and on that Pedestal).

The kids, my family and friends - all adored him . . . I figured - life goes on . . . bump in the road. We had so much in common, I enjoyed his company . . . let's get past the recriminations and get on with life.

So yes, # 3 on the list fits very well.

But what do I do now?

I have basically found my own space . . . stay in my studio but he comes and finds me and harrangues on and on about how I am a hermit . . . won't "do things" with him . . .

We rarely go out b/c of his health issues. We can't take a walk together b/c he can't walk any distance. He finds it difficult to walk from a parking lot to a venue for a concert. I buy tickets and we have to give them away b/c he says he won't enjoy it (too loud or bad acoustics) or too crowded, too far to walk, etc. I rent a movie, he falls asleep. Yet, he turns the tables and says I am anti-social and a hermit.

I am at my wit's end and I feel very sad, b/c the person I am living with is not the man I married. I can cope w/ the health issues and physical limitations, but I don't appreciate the way I am being treated. I have tried overlooking it and staying off to myself, and that doesn't work. I have tried talking to him about how I feel, and that doesn't work. At this point, I just want peace in the household, but he won't allow that, either.

Leaving is not an option.

Coping strategies, anyone?

Is he on oxygen? How about some time at one of those diet rehab spa places, if he can get vacation time and if it fits your budget. like hilton head, I think they are still doing it. is he just hoping to croak soon or what? what has your therapist said? what do you imagine would happen if you said, "look, stop it; I will not put up with this any longer." or have you already? because it does seem you have considered everything. Edited: because the one thing you want, he won't do, and the one thing he wants, you won't do; sounds like the Ogden Nash romantic comedy from hell.

Hi Hankster!

No he is not on oxygen. I think he should be but his docs say no. I don't feel he is totally honest w/ his cardiologist b/c he wants to keep working so he paints a rosier picture about his stamina than it actually is. I went with him to several of his doc appts early on, and found myself wanting to contradict the info he was giving to his doc, so we decided it was best I didn't go.

He loves his work and doesn't want to give it up. He already has given up outdoor activities and not being able to do the brain-stuff would just kill him.

He was told the average life expectancy for someone w/ his severity of disease was 5 years - that was in 2009. However, he has done well with his meds and his implant (defib-pacemaker) and they are now saying he could have many years ahead. We are realistic (or at least, I am) that his activity level may worsen at any time and he could become wheelchair bound.

You would think he would want to be loving and kind to the person who is responsible for being his caretaker. At least, that is how I would want to react if the situation were reversed. I sure wouldn't want my caretaker to feel unappreciated.

Maybe he feels too secure, lol. "That woman will put up with anything!"

I am not currently in therapy. Been thru/ the issues of the past. My last session, my therapist said what would be most helpful at that point would be for hubby to get into therapy to learn some new coping skills and figure out some of his emotional triggers. But he refused to do that, so end of story.

The one thing I haven't done is get really emotional about any of this. I am not one to yell, scream, cry, throw things, etc. Maybe if I turned it on him and let him see a really good temper tantrum to demonstrate the level of my frustration, he would get the message.

However, the drama just isn't my style, plus it upsets the dog.

I have asked him what made him think he had the right to treat me so disrespectfully but he just turns it into something about himself.

We have a second home and I moved there, to make repairs on the house, for the summer . . . but he ended up there about 2/3 the summer - leaving only for a few days at a time and when he traveled (job related). I would have liked to have been alone. Nothing changed. He was short tempered and ill as a hornet with me and the kids (who came to visit at times).

The Hilton Head spa idea sounds great for ME! LOL Lose that extra 30 lbs. A lot of hubby's weight problem is water weight - he carries it all in his abdomen, wh/ is typical of CHF. Last time he was hospitalized, he lost 27 lbs of fluid. That got him down to within 13 lbs of his ideal weight. But then he gained it back - retaining fluid is part of his illness.

I don't know if he thinks he is gonna die soon. He did nearly die in 2009 - it was that bad. Then when he was told there was nothing that could be done but meds and possibly, a heart transplant, he seemed very resigned to a shortened life. But with the success of his meds and the implant, it appears he has hope for another decade or longer. He talks about things in terms of a future.

That gives me an idea. Maybe what I should ask him in a quiet moment is - how far does he see into the future - and does he see me with him? Maybe that would get him thinking about how uncomfortable it is living with him most of the time.

Thank you again for helping me think this one through, Hankster.

Not to keep nagging you, but I would not be able to get out of bed in two days without my meds. I don't know what my dx is exactly, but if I don't take my diuretic at least 3 times a week, my fanny is dragging. More often and my blood pressure drops too low. My beta blocker keeps my heart beating otherwise yeah I would have been gone long ago. I am 60, female, and about as wide as I am tall! Maybe he doesn't realize he could be feeling better, esp if he is telling drs he is feeling better than he really is. I TOTALLY get not wanting to scare the dog, that sounds just like me!, but DBT could help you state your case reasonably, I found it very helpful. I did not "get" assertiveness training and stuff, but I liked DBT, I just couldn't stand the people!

Yes, his meds have been, literally, his lifeline. He takes diuretics daily. I don't know what all he takes, actually - everything from beta blockers, blood pressure meds, diuretics, cholesterol lowering drugs, asthma meds - I don't know what all. And he has a nebulizer (is that what they are called? the inhaler things?) I think he takes about 7 or 8 pills 2 x a day.

They are constantly adjusting his meds - he has a great group of docs here - we are very fortunate.

We all think he may need O2 but he evidently finds that totally demoralizing.

He was in a good frame of mind tonite. I made a special effort to be affectionate and upbeat. He was very pleasant - his "old self." He is snoring happily right now, lol.

I plan on getting up and fixing us a nice breakfast in the morning, then going by some of our friends' house to pick up a piece of furniture I had lent them . . . and just driving around a bit, get a cup of coffee . . . stop wherever we feel like stopping. Maybe getting him out for drives would be good since walking isn't something he can manage very well.

I really appreciate the feedback and just knowing someone is out there who is willing to think this through w/ me. I feel more hopeful that I can come up with some scenarios that will put him in a better frame of mind. WHen the time is right, I can suggest a therapist again. Who knows? He may change his mind. Stranger things have happened.

Your staying basically hopeful helps everything. Your husband is so lucky!
So's your dog.

LOL. I don't know if my husband is so lucky or not. I think my basic need for peace in the household probably set up part the current situation.

We both came into this marriage from volatile situations. Before we decided to get married, we agreed on how we would handle disagreements and/or conflict. Such things on the list as - no shouting, no hitting below the belt, no name-calling,etc - things we had felt uncomfortable with in our former relationships.

That worked fine for 10-12 years. Something changed somewhere along the way. Hubby began acting out and I just withdrew. I feel more an observer than a participant in "discussions" we have these days. I quickly discovered if I tried to reason w/ him - it got nowhere and I also discovered that if I matched his tone, things just continued to escalate to the point that I felt I didn't have a voice and I was not loved and respected enough for hubby to care how I felt or to want my input on major life decisions that affected us both. He just did his own thing - tough luck how I felt about it after-the-fact.

I guess I didn't handle things the way I should have.

I have noticed in the last few years, hubby has gotten very parental with me, wh/ infuriates me. This past weekend, more of the same. I called him on it but he simply takes the discussion a different way to "prove" how I am a lousy person and he is the suffering responsible adult person. He will stop at nothing these days to make everything "my fault" and emphasize how put upon he is b/c I am not reaching his ideal of perfect mate. The silliness can be as simple as my not cleaning up the kitchen fast enough for him. Excuse me? For him?

I am not the hired help.

I finally just told him I was the first to acknowledge that I am not the perfect mate, but that it is only b/c I don't want to be mean-spirited that I haven't outlined the many ways I feel he has failed me as a spouse.

So you can see - things are not progressing well, lol.

Not sure that I even know what the issues are anymore.

Awful! So sorry to hear all the negative stuff.
I'm a 58 year old woman-had a heart attack 2 years ago-am doing well physiologically. I feel like what you've described as happening to your husband is what I'm going through! How I'm feeling and acting. Wow. I wonder what causes this?
I also cry a LOT! Just sort of weep quietly, as I go about my day.
I fervently hope I can get back my "joi de vivre" ( not quite sure that's correct ); at least my sense of humour! Oh-also, lost all sex drive ( and I was always very DRIVEN, sexually)
and-the utter and total SUCKFESTiest part of all? As a lifelong artist-drawing, painting, everything-no can do. Low to No Mo-Tivation.
Is your husband a recovering/practicing alcoholic?
I am not-but am married to one for 20 years now. That'd do it!
Good Luck
Lisa on Cape Cod, MA, USA

Welcome to PsychCentral, iCrazyLisa. It sounds as if your lost of life's joy and motivation are a result of the heart attack--that it caused you to lose confident and diminished risk-taking. Or have you been diagnosed with a mental health condition, even one pre-existing your heart disease? I'm wondering which contributed to which ... Physical illness leading perhaps to depression of a mental illness causing physical stress, culminating in the heart attack.
Why does you doctor contribute to your getting better?

roads

I have been reading yout experiences which are a carbon copy of what I am experiencing with my husband. The cat food is a prime example and I am equally at a loss. I discovered something that seemed to fit the pattern and it is front lobular behavioural dementia. Have a look and see what you think. I would lime to stay in touch with you as it us so comforting to know that I am not alone/going crazy but at my wits end. I am too old to be branching out on my own but any clues as to how to cope with the frustration and despair of not being able to have a simple transaction and the constant tantrums that come so unexpectedly, would be so aelcome

I am experiencing the same things with my husband. His personality has radically changed to the point where I don't know who he anymore.

Same here. We are less than a year in to our CHF adventure and he just had a pm/icd. He has been mean spirited for some time before that but now it's intolerable. I too, hide out in my "studio" which is my bedroom/sewing room and he makes a point to come in there and accuses me of stupid stuff. The other day he told me to roll the windows up in the car as I pulled in to the garage. I pointed out that when we got in the car earlier, the windows had been down. He didn't say anything but about 30 minutes later he came in my bedroom and proceeded to rip in to me like you can't believe. His daughter phoned the other day to see if she could come over. I told her she's always welcome and didn't need to ask. She was quiet for a brief time and then said what she was really asking is if it was "safe" to come over because she didn't want her dad screeching at her for stupid stuff. <sigh> Of course, he thinks nothing is wrong with him and we're all picking on him. I would love to keep in touch with you ladies and see how things are working out for you and how you are coping. Thanks