[Rhapsody]

WHAT DO YOU THINK............................. ?

Can a twenty year marriage survive when the husband no longer finds his wife attractive, in the physical sense, and yet he still loves her?

Thanks,
LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[Lexicon78]

I guess it could, but it would be very hard, IMO. I mean if I knew someone didn't find me physically attractive, I'd have to rethink if I wanted to stay, but that's just me. I just couldn't deal with being so unattractive to someone. But I'm sure many couples have this problem and continue to be married.

[Rhapsody]

Well, it is not that I am so unattractive that he does not want to be with me, it is that I am not found BEAUTIFUL / SEXY like he finds others to be.... he thinks of BEAUTY as the entire package, and well after 20 years of marriage that is no longer me (or him, for that matter - lol).

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[dottie]

Definitely!!

[MisfitAmongstMisfits]

Rhapsody,

I believe (and only an opinion, take it or leave it), that if thier is love, then thats what matters most. If you have good communication between you, trust and respect, then you can work through many things together. Ive only been married for three years to my best friend, and its my second marriage(the first, well, another days story), but without the love and communication we share for eacother, I dont think we would have even made it this long.

Thinking of you
-Jodi

[LMo]

Rhapsody, has he actually said those words to you? Or is this what you know from his addiction?

If he has said these words to you, then I really question his own commitment to the marriage. I believe in honesty, but some things are better left unsaid in the interests of love for the other person. And, if that's the case, then no matter how great our answers are in terms of what you hope to hear, this is not a problem that you can solve unilaterally. HE needs to be the one to find a support group and ask this same question himself. I continue to be supportive of YOU, but this is one that you should not take on to fix unless he's with you all the way.

If he hasn't said these words, then wondering about this will probably drive you into spinning in circles. Yes, loving marriages can last well after the physical beauty fades, but attraction is much more than physical beauty. I'm not sure how satisfying your marriage would be if physical beauty is all that he cares about.

The part that worries me is that you seem to be willing to do ALL of the work in this and he still holds all of the decision-making power about your relationship. What do YOU want? Let's say he never ever changes even a tiny bit -- he remains addicted and you're always going to feel the way you do right now. Would you want to face a lifetime of that? I'm not suggesting to end it... but rather that you consider your own needs instead of his right now. You've got enough on your plate without him driving you to additional worry.

What do you think?

LMo

[Rhapsody]

Dear LMo -
First off.... thanks for telling it to me straight and for making me stop an think for a minute.

Ok - now second, NO he has NEVER said you are UGLY - I feel this way because of his sexual addiction (me not looking like the images he desires to look at), then how he "use" to say that other females were pretty yet he would not or could not tell me that I was pretty, and the big one.... because when I did ask him "If I was Pretty" (years ago) - he said: Well, you are not ugly. Now what am I supposed to take that as?
When ever I bring up me being found pretty to him or not now, he does not say a word about it one way or another....

And YES, I agree that this are my husbands issue to solve and yet it frightens ME, for I have known of many of men that leave their wives once they are no longer found wanting.... attractive: physically or sexually.
While I do NOT believe he would leave me over my failing looks, for his looks have changed to and that he has told me that my value to him is not based on my looks - yet I fear for he is man and this particular man likes pretty faces & young bodys, that of which I am loosing.

And YES, I agree again that I seem to be the one doing all the work and yet he does his part to, it is just that he keeps it all in mentally..... works on it there, some times I never know the out come of his work (but it is there - I get a glimpse at times).
My husband is not a man that likes to talk about his short comings and he is happy and content as long as I am physically presence, therefore, he does not ask for much from me (like I do of him) - I guess as a female I need more relationship wise.

You ask what I want... well I want (or need) a man that can show me that he loves me, that is willing to spend time with me, that likes (desires) to be with me physically & sexually, that is willing to commit to me and me alone, a man that puts me first from time to time, a man that can still see the beauty in me as time goes by for he loves me. I want and NEED a man that leaves me feelings Love-Cherish-Wanted-Desired. I want a man that does not leave me doubting & worrying... most of the time.

I WANT TO SAVE THIS MARRIAGE....... I LOVE THIS MAN - HEART & SOUL.

And YES, I do not need this from him and yet funny as it is.... it is not him but it is ME, my mind that is giving this to me and with that I worry and have a great fear over already knowing what he likes sexually and of knowing that it is not me any more, at least not visually, but it is emotionally - well I share that with them as well..... for he seems to need us both, them (the images) and me. So, with that I am always wondering which will WIN!! - them or me?

* * * * * * *

BTW - he can and is very loving at times, when he is able to give and to receive without his own fear getting in the way, the fear of being to close to someone (a real person), hence why he tends to turn to pictures - they are not real and yet they give him affirmation that he will not let me help with (out of fear) & (effects of lust).


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[LMo]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Rhapsody said:
I feel this way because of his sexual addiction (me not looking like the images he desires to look at)

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
it would be great if there were some more guys here to chime in on this, but from what I understand, the women in the magazines have nothing to do with the people in real life. I don't think he's comparing them to you, or vice-versa. I know that when I've seen porn, I'm not sitting there wishing that my husband looked more like the person on the page/screen, nor does he look any worse in comparison afterward.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
when I did ask him "If I was Pretty" (years ago) - he said: Well, you are not ugly. Now what am I supposed to take that as?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
GOD this reminds me of my ex-husband. Are you sure you're not his 3rd wife? This used to hurt me, too. However, in retrospect, he has a problem giving compliments to ANYONE. It is much too intimate for him, makes him feel panicky. I now realize it had nothing to do with whether he actually thought I was pretty or not -- it was that he couldn't get that intimate with me.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
When ever I bring up me being found pretty to him or not now, he does not say a word about it one way or another....

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
For this one, see my response above, BUT... he might also be irritated at your insecurity. I'm not saying that he is, but it's a possibility. Maybe he doesn't want to encourage you to fish for compliments like that, so he tries to put an end to the behavior by not feeding into it.

It's a vicious circle. He doesn't compliment you, so you get insecure. Your insecurity prevents him from complimenting you, therefore making you more insecure. I know this routine - I was in it during my first marriage.

My husband now compliments me all the time and I feel pretty because of him. However, he also doesn't feed me if I fish... he says that he wants the compliments to come from his heart, and to not just say things because they are the "right" answer. I respect that about him, and since HE doesn't have an intimacy problem, he is happy to give compliments on his own.

Does any of that apply to your situation?

[bebop]

I had a husband much like that one time. But he too had his issues. He had ptsd from vietnam and was addicted to his meds and beer. Therefore it was impossible for him to show me desire phyiscally and alot of times emotionally but deep inside I knew he loved me even with all that. The last words he spoke was to me. Even though we were apart at that time and he was remarried he told me he loved me. There is alot more to that story but you sound like you know deep inside he still loves you.

[Rhapsody]

Hey LMo -

Ok here we go..... and before I begin let me say one thing - - I know he is trying to CHANGE and is SORRY, and even though he is painfully going thru this transition for us and the future of our marriage, I must still deal with the effects of his actions and heal from their wounds.

I understand that his LUST and his LOVE has nothing to do with me (the real person).... that he keeps them in separate boxes per say and that neither effects the other, he still loves me and needs me very much - his love has not changed. And yet while his lusting and looking did not take his LOVE away from me or diminish it.... it does and has taken his sexual desirer away from me - they (the images) have stolen that from me, that which was my right as his wife and he has allowed it.
He admits that because he has looked so much that his brain now sees them (the young slender females) as visually and sexually stimulating, and me less of that. I have been compared to them rather he meant to do it or not. One cannot look (lust) and not except their significant other to fall short in their eyes (or sexually trained brain).... our sex life has even started to suffer.

And YES, you are so right, he finds it hard to compliment any one and yet I still here it from time to time about another, so why not ME, his wife, his friend and lover? I do believe the last time he gave me a compliment was about 1 1/2 years ago.... he said I looked pretty when he stopped by the house for lunch.

* * * * * * *

But no matter what the issues are - I still ask: Can a twenty year marriage survive when the husband no longer finds his wife attractive, in the physical sense, and yet he still loves her?

* * * * * * *

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[LMo]

Yeah, but isn't the real question: "Can YOUR marriage survive under those conditions?"

Some would fail, some would survive. Yours is what matters right now, though.

[MacD]

It can certainly survive, but is that enough?.....If I were the wife in question, I'd want to know why my husband doesn't find me physically attractive. In my own marriage, I've been 20 lbs up and down on many occasions....(and I didn't feel too great about myself when it was the UP)...but I must admit that my hubby still desired me regardless......I can't help but wonder if more isn't going on here? good luck...grace

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

I not only bet it can but bet it DOES in many to most cases....I do not think most people stay hot to trot for one another after a ton of years..of course the grass is always greener ...and odds are..he could not get the Barbie anyhow..

I think most spouses just dont say

[Rhapsody]

Dear MacD,

Hmm - well, I know why he does not find me physically attractive any more, all one has to do is just read over the post I have made on here to find that answer.... it is because I no longer look like I did when I was younger and had not yet had 3 children stretch my body out of its once firm slender sexy figure.... like the images he once allowed into his eyes and mind, that which he now finds attractive.

There is harm in lusting, never let someone tell you there isn't.... if they do they are lying.

BTW - I did not say that he did not desire to be with me, for he does and we are, I said that he no longer finds me to be physically attractive as he does other females - there is a difference.... this problem effects me more than it does him or how he sees our marriage.

He loves me for me and not for my looks, he said my value to him goes beyond that.... I just have an emotional problem with knowing that I am no longer physically attractive to him, hence the fear if our marriage can make it or not, if that part of the relationship goes / fails?

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
SleepsWithButterFlies said:
I not only bet it can but bet it DOES in many to most cases....I do not think most people stay hot to trot for one another after a ton of years..of course the grass is always greener ...and odds are..he could not get the Barbie anyhow..

I think most spouses just dont say

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

AND you state he loves the sum total of you..see above with both you have love that will endure..NOW you may need to work on your own self esteem I do not know but your hubby was honest and most men would lie...WHO looks the same 20 years later..This to me, is a YOU working on you kinda thing,

[Rhapsody]

One more QUESTION....

Does anyone have any advice on this situation.... (short version)

Husband has had a sexual addiction problem for 10 years or more and while he is trying to give up, STOP, this negative behavior (lusting) he now finds that he does not wish for the past inappropriate lust /sex to interfere with his marriage (to be the only part of intimacy), therefore, he remains and stays a little distant from his wife sexually (often rejecting sex), for he desires to connect with his wife in other areas of life, on a deeper level - outside of the bedroom.

*************************************

How is a wife in this situation to manage with the man she loves knowing that he will not be able to be with her sexually, or at least not with her time table? - for he is content with 1x a week if not 1x every 2 weeks.... while she desires sex (bonding) more often - say 2x a week.

**************************************

HELP!! HELP!! HELP !! HELP!!

Thanks.......
LoVe,
Rhapsody -

P.S.
LMo - I would love to hear your input on this matter.... as well as from others.

[Rhapsody]

P.S. P.S.

His personal belief system (right or wrong) is - that she is only HAPPY when and if they are making love.... that she does not feel his love (connect with him) outside of the bedroom.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

Masterbate and suggest cuddling afterwords...

Does this dude see a T at a clinic that specializes in Sex Addiction??? You both may need to go...I can send you some in PM if it will help...

[Rhapsody]

Yes, I agree it would be good for us to seek some counseling together.... we have done it before in the past, but just briefly. I seem to be the one that gets the all help and then he will join me, if and when, the therapist thinks it might be helpful / useful.
All in all this guy (like many other men) do not like talking about their problems with a stranger, males are born solvers and often feels like a failure if they cannot fix the problem themselves - hence the old joke behind why a guy will never pull over and ask for directions, even when honestly lost.

My husband did make a comment to me last night that has gotten me thinking.... he said that if we can fix the problems out side the bedroom - then maybe the bedroom situation would improve, fix its self.... he is just feeling so disconnected from me, he says he feels as though I am not connecting with him on a deeper level, in life not sex.... and in all honesty that does have some truth in it (for I have been feeling this to - even with in the bedroom) - I have felt so unwanted & undesried by him for so long due to his sexual addiction and fear of being close that now when he is changing (for the better) I am still lost.

Any ideals out there ladies to how I might reconnect with my husband out side of the bedroom - in life and in emotional love? What kind of things do you inter act with your husbands or b/fs in?
Hubby likes paintball and I have tried it once with him.... it was fun, but the bruises - OUCH!!

Thanks....
LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[bebop]

to me I think the reconnection is some deep deep conversation. like you did in talking with him about the situation. just my opinion. let me know how it goes though cuz I am in the same boat.

[Rhapsody]

Thanks.... Bepop,

I do understand what you are saying.... for we have gotten to the point that he rarely listened to me any more.... let alone really talked to me.
I am just a little confused to what path I should be taking here for at one time he was so scared to be close to any one (let alone me) that he withdrew to the point that I finally stopped asking / wanting of him.... and now without much warning he wants it all back - he wants back what I stopped needing.... out of fear of the rejections and hurt.

I guess all good things come with a prices.... now if I can just trust this transition enough to get what I have been desiring for 20 long years.

PRAY and WISH us luck -


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[Rhapsody]

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH -

MEN! MEN! MEN! - I am so sick of males right now that I could just scream.... he says no to me a week ago and I feel rejected and yet life goes on.... then this morning he comes to me before work and I allow us to be together.... all a while I am thinking WHY is his need for sex any more important than my need for sex (I often get turned down)? - not much enjoyment for me in this moment, for my mind and heart was hurt and thinking to much.... why can't I ever say NO like he does? Oh - H*LL I know its that darn FEAR I call "fear" of being alone.... I hate my fear.

ArrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrGH!!! he is driving me crazy....

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[MacD]

well, the one aspect of this whole situation that keeps "jumping out" at me is that HE has the problem and YOU'RE the one that seems to be trying to solve it.....You've done nothing wrong....but noone can "compartmentalize" their life for very long....i.e. She is my true love and they are my objects of lust....it doesn't work...and he's looking for a way to keep you and keep his problems too.....that's so unfair.....he needs to deal with this....not just you.....

[Rhapsody]

Dear MacD,

YES, I agree - he is the one that needs to solve (and stop) this problem.... if and when he really wants to change....
I guess I am working so hard at trying to fix IT, for IT is literally killing me.... from the inside out. If I could only get him to really open his eyes and see the destruction done and then have him STOP.... then I would not live in so much FEAR of dying from what I or him sees.

Make any sense to you?

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[Rhapsody]

I guess this is how I would sum it all up.... what one thinks is not always what one feels.... and if one cannot get their thinking and their feelings line up together.... then the feelings will always WIN out - rather they are correct or not.

Feelings are our EMOTIONS and once wounded they pull greatly on the MIND....


LoVe,
Rhapsody -