Am I abusive???

I have been doing a lot of soul searching and I am wondering this because of my own feelings and actions.... I know I've asked questions on the issues with my husband before, but just bare with me.

I took a quiz about abusive behavior and these are things I came up with. Primarily jealousy.

I get jealous when my husband hangs out with his friend. I've never been jealous of any of his friends before, but I am jealous of this particular friend. For example, yesterday (Sunday) he was hanging out with his friend from ten a.m. until two a.m. this morning, when he finally came to bed. Saturday was hanging out with his friend from about noon until 11 p.m., but then my husband actually spent about 3 hours with me. On Friday he was with he was hanging out with this friend from 9 a.m. until 1 a.m. I am going to stop there because this is a daily thing, and it is always more than 2 hours that they are together.

The other thing is that his friend tends to bring around girls. They always have girls hanging out with them. There is now a girl who hangs out with them everyday who is actually really close with my husband's best friend. I don't know anything else about her, but I feel jealous of her because I know my husband is always hanging out with her and having fun. But it isn't just her. It has become any girl that appears to be hanging around him I get jealous. I don't want to be that way.... He gets mad at me for being jealous of these girls, too, because he says it's ridiculous. Part of me knows he is right but another part of me can't help it.

I wish his friends would just disappear. I wish they would have a huge fight and stop talking. I've never felt this way before. But now i take this quiz and I realize I may be acting abusive and controling. I don't want to be that way. I want my husband to have friends. He's going to be joining a "team" with his friends. I don't want him to join. This makes me feel bad. I've always supported my husband's activities before. I've never been against him joining a team before...

Anyway, I feel terrible to think I may be abusive feeling these things. What do you think?

It seems to me that he's spending an EXTRAORDINARY amount of time with his friends, leaving you alone! I find THAT abusive! I'd be madder than a wet hen if it was me. I think you two need to have a talk about him cutting down his time with his friends, and spending more time with YOU. He does NOT need to spend that much time with his "buddies" and their girls! He needs to work on this marriage!

Try to get some communication going, without being accusatory. Just tell him that somethings got to give with all this. You can't keep being left alone!!!

Best of luck & God bless. Hugs, Lee

Thanks, Leed.

We've discussed things a lot since it started. Things were worse then got better now getting worse again. I know a big part of it is an addiction, which I don't know what to do about that.

I know on his end he has some issues toward me. Like, for example, if I say "I want to spend more time with you" then he says it is up to me to go into his office and sit with him. That's fine, I don't mind doing that, but it is hard because I'm taking care of our baby and there is no good place for me to sit. (It used to be my office also, but he removed my desk and things so he can close the doors and have quiet while his friends are talking to him.) I know it is wrong that it is made to be my responsibility to make the effort if I want to spend time with him. I think he should make some effort, too. Which, like I said the other night actually asked me to spend time with him. (But it was still in his office, but still better than it being up to me.)

He needs to cut back the amount of time spent with friends for sure. You two should have a night of the week where each of you go out with your own friends that way it's fair.

Thank you. It would be nice if we each had a night of the week to go out with friends. The hillarious thing is he isn't actually going anywhere. He's locked in his office 24/7 playing Call of Duty and Starcraft 2. And now he's not talking to me... again... and snarls at me "what do you want?" any time I try to initiate a conversation. Why? Because all of his friends have some stupid thing for Call of Duty that he doesn't, and I asked him to wait until Monday (payday) because it is $50.... but I gave his mom $10 to buy medicine.

1) He is spending way too much time with his friend. I am all for couples having a life and friends outside of their relationship, but there needs to be a balance.

2) The girls...No bueno...You have a right to be upset. What I'm about to type next is my personal preference. I do not agree with men who are in committed relationships and hanging out with single women on a regular basis. ESPECIALLY if they are drinking together, going out together, and spending late hours together. Hell. No. I recently heard a story on another board I visit. The girl is married, her husband always hangs out with his cousin, who is single. His cousin regularly brings random women around. Needless to say, her husband ended up cheating on her. Now, this is not to say that men can't control themselves and it's not 100% guarantee that he will cheat if he hangs around women. If he wants to cheat, he will. And he will find a way. I just don't agree with stuff like this. And of course your husband thinks you're tripping. I can guarantee you if you were hanging out with men like he is hanging out with women, he would have an issue with it. Even the most secure men will at least comment on it and have some feelings about it. Like I said, i just don't trust situations like this. I know my man, I know he is faithful, but I don't like the idea of him hanging around women, who are single no less. Because, I know women...I can't trust the situation.

I think you mentioned him playing his video games a lot in another thread. He needs to get it together. THIS is why people cheat...It doesn't make it right, but this is what takes people to the point of at least thinking about cheating...Because they feel neglected and unwanted among other things...

Well, I'm a voice in the choir at this point, but I think the amount of time he's spending with his friends is ridiculous, especially if it's coming at the cost of time with his wife. That's wrong.

I have to wonder...is he addicted to gaming? It's certainly possible for that to happen. Doesn't excuse things, but it might explain things.

And I have to wonder...I play (or played, before the community ceased to make it enjoyable) CoD a lot...what's this stupid thing he wants? Call of Duty Elite? A map pack? In the latter, the maps cost the equivalency of 10 dollars, if memory serves. I feel like he should handle something like that himself if he wants it. If it's Elite, which is considerably more expensive, take it from me: It's a complete waste.

This is exactly how my brother in law was with my sister. If she dared ask him anything when he was on COD, which was all the time, he'd fly off the handle and shout at her to go away. This went on for years until my sister had enough and moved out. It took her moving out, leaving him alone with all the bills, housework, cooking etc to realise how good he had it. They're getting on ok now and slowly getting themselves together. He's off the computer and spending more time with his wife and kids. I know its not always the answer, but maybe he needs a kick up the arse and a few days with you gone to open his eyes a bit. Sounds like he's very complacent and just takes it as a given that you're there to put up with his crap.

The Elite pack is a special thing with a web site and maps for a long time (or forever,) and you can register your clan or something. I don't really know much about it because he doesn't share with me about things he's doing like he used to. Like for example, he used to play Halo and MLG and we went to an event and everything. And I was never 'involved' like I don't play Halo, and i wasn't on forums, and I didn't used to know he's team mates or care if there were girls on his team. But I still felt like I was part of the whole thing because he would share with me and his desk was in the main house and he always would proudly show me his videos and things like that. I could tell you all about Halo or MLG or Bungie. CoD community is way different than the Halo one and he's different now, too... but he doesn't even realize he's different.

I know he's an addict, i wrote him a letter and read it to him and he tore it up. He didn't talk to me for two days except to tell me I'm a horrible person and that spouses support each other. He's been making comments now that he's "and addict" in a sarcastic way. Like "I can't talk right now, I'm a game addict and can't think about anythign else but my game." Also he sarcastically teases me about the girls I'm jealous of.

Also I did the whole "don't clean the house or anything" bit from September until the baby was born. Because I was broken. I also have bipolar, and I couldn't take it I was so depressed. I couldn't do anything after work but sit at my desk at home and cry and obsess. I didn't watch my shows, I could play games, I couldn't even do anything for the baby coming. Anyway, the house was a nightmare. When the baby came he cleaned up. But it took four months, and only then because the baby came.

I also have come to realize I'm really broken and I don't know what to do. My heart is completely smashed. I've started having the racing thoughts when I go to bed again. I just feel like I'm floating in a fog.

Dark Heart...are there any bipolar support groups that you could join near where you live? I just feel how alone you are there and know that therapists can be pretty expensive. I know how much you want things to improve and for him to go back to the way that he was but you just sound so unhappy...Whether or not he ever comes around, you have your own value (with or without him) and you're special in your own right. Please don't disappear just because he treats you like you're invisisble. Is there any way you could go visit a friend for a few days just to get some physical space (out of the house) to figure out if staying in this situation is the right thing for you and your new baby?

I have no friends to stay with. My dad is very, very ill with a bad heart and I can't go there. My step-mother is very "anti-helping," especially when it comes to me. My mother-in-law lives with us and helps me with the baby. I don't have anyone else that can help me with the baby. I can't leave my job (which also I'm very unhappy at work, and constantly on edge, stressed, and feeling like a failure there, too,) and I work 40 hours a week. I can't quit because we'll all starve.

Recently he said he was going to leave me. He doesn't think I take his side when his mom gets mad at his behavior, and I should... he didn't leave. But ever since then, I just kind of feel empty and like I've already lost. I just feel like he may say 'I love you' but he doesn't like me at all. Like I've always told him he's my best friend, and he'd get annoyed because I don't think he realizes we're not just supposed to be married, but also be friends, too... So I think that's why he was able to just abandon me like this because I was never his friend... just the girl he married.

"Spouses support each other," he says. Where is his support for you? Remind him of that.

Forgive me if that came off harsh, but his hypocrisy in that is staggering to me.

I know all about the Elite pack. It's a money grab as I see it. Yes, you do get the maps before others, and I believe they're automatically given to you. It's quite like a Season Pass. However, it really ends there. The rest is unnecessary little gadgets like K/D calculators (Which honestly can be done with your cell phone's calculator app), things like a prestige calculator (pointless), and some mild clan support...aside from the maps, it's a complete waste in all honesty. The only way you can justify it financially is if he religiously gets ALL the DLC packs, but this late into the game with the new Call of Duty scheduled to drop in November (Call of Duty releases yearly, thanks to Activision's management), it's a waste at this point in time.

My point? It's his game, and he seems to be making a recurring habit of choosing it over you. Ergo, as I see it, his problem. I wouldn't give him a dime for it.

And you're right...the CoD community is different by a LOOOOOOOONG shot. Xbox Live isn't exactly where you go to find hope in humanity by any means, but it's AWFUL on Call of Duty. I quit playing because I was sick of the community.

But getting to what's important...it's clear to me that he's made his priorities, and that he doesn't seem willing at all to do anything to change them. The way he treats you seems borderline if not fully emotionally/verbally abusive, in my opinion. Additionally, you shouldn't have to "stick up" for him when his mother is pointing out his behavior is wrong. You're his wife, not his attorney, harsh as that may sound. He's in the wrong here. You shouldn't validate that.

I know him threatening to leave must hurt, and I know you have a child with him. I am sorry he has put you were you are now. I don't like advising married couples on whether they should stay together or not. I've never felt qualified or like it was my place to do so. However, given how he seems to treat you...have you ever thought him leaving might be good for you, in the long run? I know that's an unpleasant prospect, and I hope I don't offend by suggesting it might be something to look at, but....

Do you think he'd submit to couples counselling if you brought it up? I'm...not optimistic, given what you've said, but you know him better than I.

Please, forgive me if I offended or my tone sounds harsh. I know he his your husband and the father of your child. But he is a father and a husband now. I game a lot. A LOT. Heck, I have my DS in my lap as I type this. But once you're a father and a husband, your priorities should shift. Period.
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I am sorry you are dealing with this...I hope to be of as much help as I can

I have brought up how he's not very supportive of me, but he doesn't agree. He also says I don't love him, because I don't defend him enough.

I was always a gamer, too, but I don't play anymore. I have to work and take care of the kids, and I'm exhausted, and my mind races so much I can't concentrate. I can barely watch t.v. and concentrate on just that.

I am not ready to let go yet... That's really hard for me to do. But he won't go to therapy for any reason, not alone and not with me.

He was always a good dad, before CoD and streaming took over. Even with Halo he was never gone from us like this. Even with MMOs he wasn't.

I understand. I know what I was asking you to consider isn't easy.

Do you think you and his mom could talk him into it? Have you spoken to her about how you feel? She sounds like she might be an ally to you in this.

It's unfortunate he's allowed this to happen...he sounds legitimately addicted to CoD. I just wish for your sake he'd put down the controller just long enough to see what he was doing.

His mom has been anti-gaming for many years. She calls gaming Satan. She's said for many years he was an addict. They don't get along. He listens to her to an extent. He won't stay in the same room with her long because they argue a lot. There's no way he would give up games because she talked to him, because that's a path traveled already.

I honestly believe the only way he will stop playing CoD is if his friends do the gamer vanishing act. (you know, people get sick of a game, move on, and disappear.) Of course that doesn't happen as much with console gaming, especailly Xbox live where your friends online status constantly pops up... He actually says he hate CoD...

That's not really uncommon. A lot of people I played with on CoD "Hated it" or "Definitely the worst entry yet." Yet every day... "<Gamertag> has started playing Modern Warfare 3." Sort of the nature of the beast.

I think calling it "Satan" is a little...overzealous, and probably doesn't help him at all. If they don't get along, he may be doing this to spite her to an extent...was he like this before she moved in to help with the baby? Even if it's a matter of spite or defiance, I think it's progressed well past that now.

I hate to be a downer...but I wouldn't anticipate the vanishing gamer act in a clan. As an example, my clanmates and I met...5 years ago, I think? We don't play CoD anymore. We still talk often though. :/

This started in August last year when I was pregnant. We had the money to buy the stuff for him to start "streaming" on twitch t.v. He wanted to make money. He used to be a clan for many years, and dropped out because he met a guy who was a streamer, and joined his clan. (They had a falling out and he's not in that clan any more, he's joining a new one now, I think... not sure, he doesn't tell me but I assume so.) So he started playing a lot, got his video embedded, and started getting viewers.

The first two weeks things seemed normal. And then he met his new "best friend" guy. That's when the change happened. It's like this guy turned a switch in his head. This guy hates women, is an alchoholic, cheats on his girlfriend, treats women like dirt and is adored and loved by all. So is my husband. He did make some money (approximagely $700 in 3 months,) but then in November was so burned out of CoD he started on Starcraft 2. He lost all his viewers. Unfortunatley, his "best friend" also plays SC2....

Anyway, in December things slowly started to return to normal. By Christmas things were going fairly well. Then the baby was born, and for about two weeks he was back at about 90% normal. Then his mom moved in mid-January, but things were still pretty good. I was totally damaged, mind you, but he was coming aroun. February was pretty good. March I went back to work and things were still fairly okay. April comes along and we were fighting a lot and he was locking himself up a lot. Then we had the big giant fight. Ever since then even if things are good I feel like a big whole is in me. He's not as bad as he was in Sept/Oct/Nov... but... I feel like he's more like a shadow of who he was. Sometimes he's there, then sometimes he not at all. And me... I'm just... there, getting jealous at everyone (even the guys at this point.)

Well, I think you have a right to. He's giving them far more time than he seems to be giving you, which absolutely isn't fair.

His "best friend" sounds a lot like a guy I met on CoD. Drank heavily, smoke everything that'd light, abused the heck out of prescription drugs...that kind of thing. He played a mean game of CoD though...and it's pretty easy to gravitate towards that, crazy as it may sound. Eventually, you see yourself change gradually to keep up with the new crowd. Been there, done that, regret the heck out of it. Granted, I didn't do anything major (picked up swearing, but that was bound to happen, and I always had good control over it, if that excuses anything. I've never been into any of his other habits, nor will I ever), but the point stands.

Doesn't make it okay, mind you, but I've seen that and done that myself. Not quite to this extent though.

As for you...I would tell you that you have incredible patience for putting up with this for so long. I wish I could give you some type of magic fix for this. He HAS to put his part into the relationship to make things work. He HAS to. You cannot float this boat by yourself, so to speak.

Well, another weekend gone and he's mad at me again because (and he started it by asking me if I hate CoD, which I don't it's an inanimate object,) I was once again letting him know what's going on in our house. Made him mad so he hasn't spoken to me in almost two days.

So I'm going to go to therapy. Because I'm so broken inside and heartbroken and so full of hurt an anger I can't get anywhere. I keep going in circles. So tomorrow I'm going to look for a therapist, preferably one that works with couples and people who have bipolar and addicts... hopefully that will get me past some of this poison so I can see clearly.

I don't mean to but in...but.....Please don't get down on yourself sounds like you are really trying to make your marriage work. But it takes two! Don't you for one minute let him make you think it is your fault! It is not! He needs to man up and get back to reality where he has a wife and baby that love him! Sorry if I sound harsh but I went through almost same thing when my 1st born was born only he spent all his time with the guys fishing and drinking! It just upsets me when I see it happening still with young couples. I know where you are at and I just want to say again.....IT'S NOT YOU! as your husband and mental illness would like you to believe!

Well, turns out he doesn't love me any more anyway.... because I don't defend him against his mom (who I said lives with us and is standing witness to allt his.) He told me I've chosen her side.

So...

Thanks for all the advice.

Abuse can go both ways.

If you are upset with him about what he does, he sure doesn't deal with how his behaviors make you feel.

I feel that your husband is abusive getting angry at you when you initiate a conversation, brushing you off when you want to spend time with him, and not spending time with you where you are at (asking you to spend time in his office and not thinking of spending time with you somewhere else, or like someone said on here, having a night with you and then spending other time with friends)

And it sounds too like he seems to give his games and his friends more attention that he gives you.

Billi

Everyone has a little jealously in them

Dark_heart, please take gma's advice to heart. This is not your fault, and I hope more than anything you know that. It takes two to make a marriage work. No matter how hard you try, you can't hope to go it alone. You have absolutely given this your all from what you've posted, but he's given nothing. You cannot be blamed for his failings.

I hope your search for a therapist goes well, and I hope they're able to give you some peace in this.