I need your support.

tomi honey you can do this!! you can even get alimony from him! go for the gusto baby!! I know your stress level will go way down among other things such as utilities and groceries!! you can do this hon!!

(((((((((((((((tomi)))))))))))))))))))

I am sorry to hear this. I know how stressed he makes you. I know how hard it is to get him to do the things you need him to do.
YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!!!!! I have complete faith in you. You are a strong woman, you have survived alot more. WE are all hear for you, WE all love you!!!

YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!!! I mean it!!!!

our thoughts are with you , we belive you can do this
(((((((((((((((septembermorn)))))))))))))))))))

Maybe Candy can live with you for a while? Ok. I'll be serious. Tough times for you both.

You can do this. Millions have. Most are better off. Things will change, but you've been wanting that.

IMO, your gaining independence, the new place your scooter...etc your self care is what ticked him off. Perhaps he needs more control of you to stick around? IDK. Sounds like there might have been a bit of enabling there.

Why couldn't you do this? True there won't be someone there to talk with, but he travelled anyway, and sounds like you didn't have many real conversations anyway. Now you will be free to strike up conversations at the library or movies or coffee house or wherever!

You get a dog. You will just need to train the dog ...learn a signal... as to when he's working and when he can play!He will come when you call him (or better yet, always be in the room you are in!) That's more training than you seemed to have made with the roomie! (My dog knows when he has his leash on,(on leash) it's all business/work.)

It's a different lifestyle, that's "all." It can be wonderful!

Thanks. Yeah, I've done it twice before.

Thank you, Ninni. Yes, I know that we can get through whatever comes our way. This is a good thing. In some ways, it's the getting from here to there that is so painful. It will good when I "get there."

Be, this was the second time around for us. I've already collected allimony and gotten my share of his retirement. That's over and done with.

He is going to be held to the terms of the Legal Separation we got about 10 yrs ago and part of that was to provide medical insurance for me. He dropped it again this year because he felt it was too expensive, and it was. However, he can find another insurance and WILL provide it. I will be able to live with what Disability gives me.

Yes, living with him is a stressful situation, not only because it's so hard to get him to do things that I need, but what is unbearable is the treatment he gives me, the way he talks to me and the blame I get for things I don't say or the tone I say them in. Total and complete disrespect and verbal abuse! I'm a SURVIVOR, not a VICTIM!! There's no reason for me to put up with it.

Yeah! If she doesn't want to move to her sister's place which is 4.5 hours away, she sure won't want to move to the opposite coast!

Yes, I know I can live alone. It's not the first time. That time, I had two babies to take care of. The second time, I had John to take care of for the first part of it. When Jerry lured him away from me, I had me for the biggest part of it. I even learned to be content being alone. That was for about six years. When Jerry threw our marraiage away, he threw away 20+ years of history and a good marriage. The last three years he's been here, he has steadily destroyed whatever I had left for him.

When I cry, it's for "what might have been," it's for all the time and love I wasted on someone that doesn't know what love is, much less recognize it.

But what hurts the most, naturally, is my abandonment issues. What ever made me think I could love someone enough to make them stay? What ever gave me the idea that what I had to give was more than just good enough? Let's face it. There is something about me that turns people away from me. Two of my kids won't talk to me and one of those avoids me like the plague.

Yes, I'll be better off alone. I'll have peace, no one's butthole opinion to put up with, no one to answer to. I won't be tortured 24/7 with either argumentative radio talk shows or hideous music. If there is something I can't do and I ask a real friend to do me a favor, I won't get a ration of crap thrown in my face.

So if this is a good thing, why do I feel like a total and complete reject from a horror movie??

hon I think that is part of seperations and divorce. once he is gone you will feel so much better!

I wish he'd hurry up and leave, then!

I can't even trust him to make coffee with water that hasn't been through the water softener. He's done it before and I swelled up like a toad. That's where I am now.

I tasted the water out of the jug and the water out of the tap. They do taste different but I can't say that the water out of the jug doesn't have salt in it!

If I don't take care of this, it COULD kill me. I have kidney problems and I can feel my heart having to work harder.

(((((((tomi))))))))) tell him you will make your own coffee hon!! that is scarey

I'm going to, Sweety. Weird, though, that he drinks the same coffee...

I feel so crappy that I went to the doctor's this morning. She said it's the stomach flu???? Since when does the stomach flu swell you up like a balloon??

Of course, my ankles weren't nearly as swollen as they were yesterday. I didn't drink coffee yesterday. What does that tell you, eh?

Soon. It will be over soon.

I'm sure this is mighty stressful. I hope everything goes as smoothly as possible.

take care,

gg

Tomi ~
No matter our differences, I still care about you hon. And I am sorry your going thru this awful time . If I could I'd fly out there and be your bouncer girl Well it was an idea anyways lol. I'd bounce him right out of that house! lol. boing boing boing lol. Ok I know its another one of Bethy's lame attempts at helping you to laugh again. I know you can do this. Its gonna be hard I am sure . I'll be keeping you in my thoughts .

Luv Ya~
Bethy

Oh, sweetie. i wish so much I could help!

I don't want to move to my sister's because, well, 1, she's my sister and you want to talk about feeling like a reject? Trying being dead broke (already declared bankruptcy last year and need to do it again but can't), pushing 41 (on Easter! There's got to be something symbolic out of having a birthday on Easter, right?) and being forced to live with relatives because you are a complete and total fricking LOSER with nothing to show for 40+ years of life.

2, I'm trading Wisconsin for Minnesota. Both have 10-month winters. Wisconsin for California? I could dig it. Maybe we should give it a try! LOL Of course, I have no income to contribute to my upkeep.....

There's nothing unloveable about you, sweetie. It's the people in your life who are the a-holes. You don't deserve to be treated the way they treat you. You are a good person who has been through more than her share of crap, and you deserve some good things in your life, and with this jerk out of the way, I think you're going to get them! I really do!

Hugs and love and call me if you need me.

Love you,
Candy

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Tomi}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Mama,

I am sorry I didnt respond sooner. I am also sorry your going through this right now. I am sure this is very difficult for you.

Women are very, very strong. We deal with so much day to day, mental, emotionally, physically and we survive each day. I know in my heart that you will get through this. One of the things I admire in you is your strength. I also envy that about you. You can do this Tomi. I know you can. I think deep down you know you can. Believe in yourself, because I believe in you.

I am always here. We are always here. I love you Mama. Please lean on us now if you need.

Love,

Jen

Candy... damn it! I don't want to do this, but I can't keep my mouth shut and you know it!

1. You are NOT a looser! You have a career! That's more than I had at 40. All I had was a passel of kids and 7 acres of land going to waste that we couldn't afford! I had buried my mom and traded her for PTSD, Anxiety and Depression!

You don't have a job right now because you ALMOST DIED!

2. Come on out and live with me! We'll put you on General Relief so they pay your rent and give you food stamps and Medi-Cal. They'll send you to Rehab to enforce your present skills or find new ones. Bring your car! That is a MUST.

The city college is 2 block from my home. We'll be taking classes together. I'm sure you've done all the Creative Writing and all the English classes there are to be had. So have I. We'll find something interesting.

When I get my dog, he'll be the one going in and jumping on you to drag your *** out of bed. Not me! I'm getting rid of that hassle tomorrow! (OMG! That just hit home!!!)

As for nothing unloveable about me, then why have all my kids put distance between me and them?? Even my six yr old granddaughter told a lie to keep from having to see me! I've only got ONE 3D close friend! There's GOT to me something about me that puts people off! Maybe it's because I'm fat and ugly. Who knows! Maybe my opinions and my beliefs are all screwed up and I try to shove them down people's throat. Who knows! I don't!

All the "good things" in my life that I want now is for this separating to be OVER and in the past! I want to be settled into my Alone Routine! I want to have forgotten that *I* tried again to be someone he could get along with! Talk about feeling like a Looser!!

I know I have good qualities... but they sure haven't done anything for me in 3D!

"Mama"... those words are healing balm to my soul right now, Jenny Girl.

Yes, I know I can do it. I've done it before. There was even a time when I was totally content being alone. With some work, I can get there again... I hope! I'm not nearly as mobile as I was then. No car, can't walk. LOL I will NOT become my mother! She let life beat her to a pulp. I won't!

Maybe this is getting harder right now because the final curtain on this melodrama will close for the last time tomorrow.

I think most of us already know we are NOT becoming our mothers

Yes, you can do this. It still hurts, though.

IMO, the reason you feel like a failure is because you do cling to "what might have been." We all do that. We mourn any kind of loss. In trying not to put blame on others, we take it upon ourselves. My T would tell you to try not to put blame anywhere, don't consider that blame needs to go anywhere. (OOPS did I just put words into my T's mouth??)

Reread your siggy. Haven't you said you believe "3s a charm?"

This, too, shall pass. Hang in there. So many things can be better. Many things in life are "trade-offs." Enough cliche's! TC

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
the reason you feel like a failure is because you do cling to "what might have been."

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It's not opinion, Sky. It's FACT. "What might have been"... only it can't be with this particular man. He doesn't have it to give. Emotionally, he's 13.

Noooo... I don't believe in three's a charm. Not going doing that road ever again!

If I step out of my pity party, I know that it's not my fault! For 30 yrs, I was the one that did all the changing, adjusting, compromising, allowed myself to be abused either covertly or overtly, tried to get him to see that I am not the enemy.

What I mourn is the good times and we certainly had some of those. Not that many, but some that were outstanding!

It's taking me quite a while to finish up this response. I got a phone call from my middle son... HIS son. He just went through a divorce not too long ago. It was apparent to me that if he at any time felt quilty, it sure didn't show! His advice? "Asses the relationship. How much did you give to it as opposed to how much you feel he gave. (MY perspective) Did you do everything within your power to make it work? Did you give it your best?" If the answer to the last two questions is "yes" then I have nothing to feel guilty about. hehe My quiet, "The Scarecrow" son. Talk about your cliches! "Still water runs deep!"

Sky, seems to me Chuck validated what you just said.

Thank God for step-sons!

Thank God, too, for all of my friends here. Don't know what I would do without you. Hope I never have to find out.

Once again, I had to overhear him talking to John to know what's going on.

I lost a day somewhere and thought today was Friday. It's Thursday... but he's planning on leaving today. My heart skipped a beat literaly when I heard him talking to John. I now jittery, my heart is pounding and I'm getting quite anxious. I WANT THIS OVERWITH... but it's not Friday yet! ARGH!

All his big, heavy stuff is still in the side yard. I want it gone!!

I WANT MY DOG NOW!!!

((((((((((((Tomi))))))))))))))) I'm sorry I just saw this and am late in giving you my support. I know very well why you are doing this. I have no doubt that you can do this if it is truly what you want. We're all a lot stronger than we think we are.

Making the decision to act is the hardest thing, imo. Making life altering decisions when we are really upset, depressed, angry, etc. isn't usually a good thing. Sometimes though the anger can be used as a much needed motivater.

I've been separated twice during the 39 years I've been married. Each time was only for about 6 months. Some much needed changing took place during each separation. I often wonder if we need another separation. lol

I wish you the best during this awful time. Please feel the caring and love that I send your way. I know how it feels to watch them leave, even if it's what you want. You'll be in my heart and in my thoughts and prayers. love ya, Susan

Don't be sorry, Susan!

Mind if I just glom on to you right now?? LOL Wish I could! We've been talking, not necessarily about him staying, just divvying up some things? It's so hard!! But hey! I did it without crying! :atting self on the back!::

My T told me once that some change won't come unless there is a crisis. Maybe you need to remind yours that you've been alone before. It doesn't work with mine.

I don't know... ... I don't know...

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Tomi}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} I feel so bad I can't be more help. As I've told you before, I'm a complete commitment-phobe and avoid relationships at all costs, so I'm not much good at this kind of stuff.

I just hope for your sake the jerk gets out ASAP and you can get on with your life and go get your dog!! Dogs are infinitely better than men, anyway.

Holler if you need me.

Love, Candy