[BDPpartner]

My other half has borderline personality disorder and other emotional problems. When we were first together he would continually tell me how his last long term gf never initiated sex. So i was very careful not to make the same mistake as he had pointed out what an issue he found it. But my birthday last year was spent in an expensive hotel for 2 days with him telling me what a monster i was. That i'd be locked up if he went to the police and told them about me; that i molest him and that i was also guilty of attempted rape. I was horrified to discover that when i was initiating sex, (rubbing his thighs, pinching his bum or maybe brush my hand against his genitals while i massaged him) in his mind i was abusing him. I was a monster ! I had occasionally been a self harmer and that wknd triggered me and now i'm covered in scars. We had always be comfortable to be naked around each other, but i now found it wrong to be naked in front of him. He likes to be dominated in the bedroom but i can't do that. I find myself asking if it's ok to touch his arm and never almost never kiss him, he says most of the time joking that i don't hug him anymore. Which is true i'm scared to look at him sexually let alone touch him. And if we do become intimate, after he initiates it and has to almost beg for it, i don't really get aroused. Hell i can't even masturbate if he's in the house and certainly don't do it more that a couple of times a year, even touching myself makes me feel like a deviant. He even told my mother that i molest him I feel like some sick monster, in my head i tell myself that i'm not but if he thinks, feels i'm abusing him then to him i am Sorry really needed to let this out it's been eating me up inside and this is the only safe place to vent.

[lido78]

Have you asked him why he considers what appears to be normal sexual affection to be abuse, especially when he complained about his ex never initiating sex? I think he's tied you up in knots and now you don't know which way to move! Time for a serous sit-down. Tell him that your initiating sex is not abuse (unless he is underage) and he needs to keep your sex life private. Is there any way that this is part of some kind of sexual fantasy (i.e., he wants to be abused) tied in to the domination?

[Leed]

Sweetie, this man has problems that you are NOT going to be able to solve. Like Lido said, he has you tied in knots, not knowing what is ok and what isn't. You are NOT a deviant, and certainly not a monster. Nothing you have done is "abnormal" or of an abusive nature. He is one sick cookie.

It would be in your best interests to get out of this relationship, and find someone who is 'normal' and doesn't have all these problems to deal with. This poor guy needs help, and theres nothing YOU can do to help him. If he's not in therapy, he certainly needs to be! The longer you stay in this relationship, the worse it's going to get.

I wish you the very best. Please keep us posted, and God bless. Hugs, Lee

[BDPpartner]

Thanks Lido and Lee, it's very true i am confused. Living with someone who doesn't think about things in the same way as most other people. I guess the best way to discribe it is that he thinks in terms of black and white, right and wrong. For example if he doesn't want to talk then i'm wrong to talk to him, despite the fact he hasn't communicated his wish to not talk unfortunately his therapist is on maternity leave

Oh, am so sorry to read of your problems.

Actually, they arent yours, they are his. This man, no matter how lovely he can be at times, has to an extent betrayed your trust and turned intimacy into something horrid. Sex should be fun, enjoyable, a token of your love, and at times downright silly! It shouldnt be about playing with other people's feelings and it sounds like its really thrown you.

I cannot ever tell you what to do, only you can make those choices, but it does sound like this man isnt really what you need - he's making you doubt yourself, your relationship and he's become a trigger in self harming. A loving relationship would'nt do these things to you. You sound lovely and I hope you can put yourself first and take good care of yourself.

x

[lido78]

Even if you are not at the point of leaving this relationship, please know that you are not the one with the problem here. He can tell you that what you're doing is wrong, but I think you know this is not the case. We're here to support you in this as well. Please don't let his sickness trigger your self-harming tendencies...it's just not worth it, especially when what you're doing is TOTALLY NORMAL. Trust me, most men that I know would love a woman who initiates sex.

[wagneriansinger]

BPD,

I don't know what your personal issues are, mentally speaking, but this guy doesn't sound like a supportive and loving partner. He has threatened you with jail time, given you mixed messages (f'ing with your head), triggers you to self-mutilate and there's no intimacy.

You don't ask for advice, just thanks for the opportunity to vent, so I won't give advice. I would ask you to ask yourself why you're still with this person.

We all struggle with emotional/mental issues on these forums, and we know that, by virtue of our issues, we tend to attract other people into our lives who have "issues," but this is way beyond normal. The minute he threatened jail time he indicated to you just how far he's willing to go. Next time he might well call the authorities and file charges. What then?

Anne

[BDPpartner]

I currently trying to get him back to counselling and trying to educate myself more about bpd, and it's scary because i've just read that threatening jail time is something that can happen. To the extent where a child with bpd may ring and report to the police etc that they are subjected to abuse just because they were sent to their room ! I'm guessing it's the extremes of bpd but my other half clearly at the time was at the extreme. And I'm well aware I'm making another excuse for his behaviour but everyone has walked away (run or pushed away) and i'm trying hard not to. But it's ultra hard especially when i'm on my knees crying my eyes out with him stomping round me raging, call me every name under the sun, making feel like a monster and then telling me i the cause of everything but i'm still fighting the fight or flight urge.

[wagneriansinger]

I'm curious at your statement that "everyone else has walked away." Does that indicate that no matter what this individual does to you, that you believe it's your job "not to be another one who walks away"? If that's the case, is it possible that you're into the Rescuer role instead of the partner/lover role? You call him your other half. I did not understand that you were married so I suppose it makes a difference, ie, "in sickness and in health." Now I understand why you'd put up with this.

Anne

Originally Posted by BDPpartner

I currently trying to get him back to counselling and trying to educate myself more about bpd, and it's scary because i've just read that threatening jail time is something that can happen. To the extent where a child with bpd may ring and report to the police etc that they are subjected to abuse just because they were sent to their room ! I'm guessing it's the extremes of bpd but my other half clearly at the time was at the extreme. And I'm well aware I'm making another excuse for his behaviour but everyone has walked away (run or pushed away) and i'm trying hard not to. But it's ultra hard especially when i'm on my knees crying my eyes out with him stomping round me raging, call me every name under the sun, making feel like a monster and then telling me i the cause of everything but i'm still fighting the fight or flight urge.

[BDPpartner]

Unfortunately his mum, dad etc love him but can not cope with his mental illness, so they keep him at arms length which unfortunately makes things worse for our relationship cos he's waiting for me to turn my back. The mother of his child waved him off to work one day talking about tea, but by the time he got home she'd packed up and left. Again this makes life harder too as he really struggles with truely trusting anyone. I do love him very much but hate his illness, i hate that the last 2 days he's had nothing but nasty things to say to me. Instead of saying dinner was nice he goes on about it being messy to eat; f.f.sake it's spag bol which you told me to make but can't say that to him coz it'll send him off on one and i'll either be kicked out or get no sleep for him raging all night. I hate bpd !

[wagneriansinger]

I forget if you said he's getting treatment? If he's not, is there a reason you stay with him inasmuch as he's emotionally cruel to you from what you say, and there's no intimacy. So, what are YOU getting out of this? Why do YOU stay besides the fact that others have left? Is that WHY you stay, because you feel obligated? Because you have nowhere else to go ("I'll either be kicked out")?

Originally Posted by BDPpartner

Unfortunately his mum, dad etc love him but can not cope with his mental illness, so they keep him at arms length which unfortunately makes things worse for our relationship cos he's waiting for me to turn my back. The mother of his child waved him off to work one day talking about tea, but by the time he got home she'd packed up and left. Again this makes life harder too as he really struggles with truely trusting anyone. I do love him very much but hate his illness, i hate that the last 2 days he's had nothing but nasty things to say to me. Instead of saying dinner was nice he goes on about it being messy to eat; f.f.sake it's spag bol which you told me to make but can't say that to him coz it'll send him off on one and i'll either be kicked out or get no sleep for him raging all night. I hate bpd !

[Open Eyes]

I am sorry that he had so many people leave him, but you are allowing yourself to be a Codependant here, and that is not going to help him.

I can't blame you for venting, but to be honest, I really think you need people to give you permission to take care of yourself and get away from this very disfunctional man.
You cannot "fix" him, nothing YOU do or SAY is going to "fix" him. That is what your rant is all about here. He is the only one that can "fix" his problem and you giving into him is not going to help him do that. By staying with him, all you are really doing is giving him someone to victimize and control. He is NOT a partner to you at all, he is not interested in that, he only needs a partner to victimize and control. So that is what you are a "partner in" and you ARE the victim.

Open Eyes

[BDPpartner]

I know things sound awful and believe me they feel it but there is a flip side. When he's not in crisis we have our good times. We paddle in to sea, we massage each other, we laugh and watch movies together snuggled up and eating popcorn. And sometimes we have a midnight bed picnic. Yes our intimate life is very limited but as well as my monster issues, medications don't help things either Right now his treatment is in limbo, his therapist is on maternity leave and since that began at the end of last yr he is increasingly in crisis more than not we are also having to fight with his psychotherapist team to get onto a 20wk intensive treatment programme. They are useless but are stuck with them I'm sticking with him because i know his trying to fight his bpd and yes we're several steps back but from where we have been but there's still fight left in us. And although right now i am letting make me a victim, i'm taking steps, learning about his illness and different ways to deal with our communication and relationship. I'm taking the time to empower myself and have had some little victorys however fleeting I stay because we love each other and there is hope. But to enable me to cope i have to vent or i'd just blow my fuse with him and that doesn't help.

[Alley80]

Originally Posted by BDPpartner

Unfortunately his mum, dad etc love him but can not cope with his mental illness, so they keep him at arms length which unfortunately makes things worse for our relationship cos he's waiting for me to turn my back. The mother of his child waved him off to work one day talking about tea, but by the time he got home she'd packed up and left. Again this makes life harder too as he really struggles with truely trusting anyone. I do love him very much but hate his illness, i hate that the last 2 days he's had nothing but nasty things to say to me. Instead of saying dinner was nice he goes on about it being messy to eat; f.f.sake it's spag bol which you told me to make but can't say that to him coz it'll send him off on one and i'll either be kicked out or get no sleep for him raging all night. I hate bpd !

May I ask what it is that you love about him?

[BDPpartner]

I love that way he rubs my bad back even when i'm sleeping, the way we say the same thing at the same time. The way he will sneak up and kiss my neck while i'm washing up. We share our sense of humor and he finds my snoring comforting. I love that he used pebbles on the beach to tenderise the meat for the bbq. I love play fighting with him. We do do normal things like normal couples, but not all the time

[BDPpartner]

To be brutally honest it's like living with 'Jackal and Hyde' but because his lack of treatment and the stress from everything going wrong this yr so far, he's in crisis most of the time

[Perna]

When we were first together he would continually tell me how his last long term gf never initiated sex. So i was very careful not to make the same mistake as he had pointed out what an issue he found it.

This is his issue, not yours! It is not a "mistake" to initiate/not initiate sex; you have your own desires, and he has his. He can ask for what he wants or he's not likely to get it!

but if he thinks, feels i'm abusing him then to him i am

His thoughts, feelings and perceptions are not the reality of a situation, they are just his thoughts, feelings, and perceptions! They are not yours and if he mistreats you, yells at you and calls you names (especially on your birthday) it is he who is being abusive. I hope you explained to him his behavior has made it difficult for you to have any desire to initiate sex with him since he behaved so badly on your birthday?

[BDPpartner]

Unfortunately as anyone in a relationship with a bpd suffer will know that once they have an eruption and make such hurtful and insulting comments. They then seem to wipe their memory of the incident like nothing has happened. And will not entertain a discussion about it again until they decide to throw it back in your face at a later date, but only when it suits then

[wagneriansinger]

I don't know that those issues should limit your ability to have your needs met and to discuss concerns.

It really sounds like this guy holds every single card in this relationship. So long as that is the case, you will continue to suffer at his hand, both emotionally and otherwise.

Perhaps look at yourself if you can 5 years from now. Are you satisfied to remain in this state 5 years hence? Loyalty is a wonderful quality. But loyalty to someone who constantly abuses you isn't loyalty, it's co-dependency and it's an illness.

You cannot "fix" him no matter what you do. Regardless of your loyalty and your love, he isn't going to change. He's going to continue to emotionally abuse and trigger you.

I hope for your sake that you are in therapy.

Anne

Originally Posted by BDPpartner

Unfortunately as anyone in a relationship with a bpd suffer will know that once they have an eruption and make such hurtful and insulting comments. They then seem to wipe their memory of the incident like nothing has happened. And will not entertain a discussion about it again until they decide to throw it back in your face at a later date, but only when it suits then

[BDPpartner]

I'm staying at my parents this wk for some time out. Prefect time to have a think and regroup

[wagneriansinger]

You go girl! Nothing like a getaway to go some thinkin!

Sending hugs,
Anne

Originally Posted by BDPpartner

I'm staying at my parents this wk for some time out. Prefect time to have a think and regroup

[BDPpartner]

I'm loving having sometime to on my own, unfortunately because of circumstances when we are together we don't have much time apart. He can't work because of his bpd and i recently became disabled after a accident at work