Since my S.O. got back from being out of town, I don't feel so good. Related, or not?

My S.O. got back recently from being away for a few weeks visiting family at quite a distance.

When he first left, I felt real lonely. Then, gradually, I felt better and better. For about a week before he came back, I was feeling close to fantastic. That is quite remarkable, since I suffer from chronic recurrent depression.

We don't live together. Tried that a few times and it always ended badly. We are very close, however. I'm very fond of him. (We've cared deeply for each other for many years.) Also, he is handicapped and I help him out when he needs a hand. Generally, he does pretty well independently.

During the interval when I got to feeling so great, I was starting to fix up my house, which has been neglected due to prolonged depression. I even went and did some major cleaning and reorganizing of his place. He was very appreciative of the work I did when he got back. He seemed quite surprised.

I was surprised myself. Energy was coming out of my ears for a bit there. It's a long time since I've felt that well. In less than 5 days, I've started to lose my enthusiasm. Seems like I started to slide down shortly after he returned.

I picked him up at the airport. On the way home, he started screaming at the top of his lungs about someone who jay-walked in front of me. (I was prepared. I'm always on the look-out for problems driving, and I don't get upset when someone does something they shouldn't. People have to watch out for me, as I'm not perfect either.) I pulled the car over and put it in PARK. I told him the car wasn't going to move until he quit yelling and promised to remain calm for the rest of the 5 mile trip home.

He couldn't understand me reacting as I did. He said that he was not yelling at me, but that he was yelling in support of me. "That guy shouldn't have stepped out into traffic like he did! You shouldn't have had to stop for him!" This tends to happen a lot . . . until I get to where I won't get into a vehicle with him . . . then he promises to behave and that lasts for awhile.

I stayed a few days at his place. At times, he was nice as pie. At times, he was irritable and foul-mouthed. "Hey, the place looks so nice. Thank you, SweetHeart, for all the work you did." Then: "I can't find the widget. Where the blazes is the widget." He actually is rather good-natured and optimistic. (I'm the depressive.) But he has these spasms of irritability. After awhile, I find it nerve wracking. He always quickly recovers and never broods over anything. Still, I tend to get demoralized around him.

He says that I'm too sensitive. I'm sure he is correct on that. But even his own family tell me that I must be relieved to have a break from him for awhile.

He goes away once a year. Sometimes, it seems I get to feeling my best after he has been away awhile. This seems to suggest a pattern and I don't know what to do about it. ???????????

I refuse to live with him. But I do still love him and trust he loves me. I guess I'll try to stay away from him for awhile. How sad is that.

(((Rose))),

I think he just triggers you Rose. He never truely gives you that gold star, just keeps you in a promise of it but it never really happens.

I think this is something from your childhood, someone let you down this way. You had so much "secret passion" for a while, like there was something coming to offer you some kind of reward for all you did. Right away he blew that by his yelling in the car and even though he noticed you cleaned, he still had to find something wrong, something to pick on, which interrupted your sense of reward.

He says you are sensitive, you are senstive because you have been hurt and disappointed and he reminds you of that, he triggers that.

You know what? I am sensitive too Rose and I am seeing more and more "why" I am sensitive. I have the PTSD that exaggerates everything so I am much more aware than I used to be. My husband triggers me too Rose and I can get pretty "low" too.
And I yet I struggle, thinking I should just appreciate what I do have in him.

Maybe this man doesn't really "validate" your Rose. It seems like he is "all about himself". If he knows you are sensitive, than why play you like he does with the missing widget as though because you cleaned his place you ruined where is widget is. He is punishing you with a backhand to your mind. Ok, so he has a nasty little temper and he gets over it, but it must be more of this back hand mind thing he does with you, something he has been doing since he was a little boy. It isn't just "you" he does it to, he does it to his family too, hense the remark they made.

And that hurts your ego too, after all you love him, you picked him out of somewhere and dusted him off hoping he would shine up good, but he still has those dents and even if you try to turn him to see the shinny side that you managed to help him with, he is in many ways the same old dented person you began with. And that is the "where is my dam widget" he simply has to back hand your mind with. It was always there too.

It isn't you Rose, never was "your fault" but it still hurts sometimes, and triggers you.
You have to make up your mind what it really "is" that bothers you and work on it.
Sigh....I have been quite the worker bee myself.

((((Hugs))))
Open Eyes

I am struggling to understand. It is true that he does not really validate me. I don't even really much look for that from him. What does upset me is not so much the lack of validation, as the "back handed" stuff, as you call it. He does kind of "play" me, and it is kind of a head game, at times. He pushes buttons. It's like a passive-aggressive thing. He is not controlling or mean. He acts the way little kids do when they want to annoy their mothers.

Once, when we were traveling by car, through several states, he got all upset because he thought we were lost. I was driving and I was slightly lost, but I knew I would figure it out. He got so upset, thinking we were lost, that he started escalating and distracting me so bad that I couldn't drive. I pulled over and said he would have to sit in the back seat. That calmed him down and I was able to concentrate. After a while, he said he would act better.

I'm sure I sound like an awful person in what I just described. You would have to have been in that car to understand. It was exactly like having a fussing 3 year old, or an unruly puppy, in the front seat. I knew he'ld calm down in the back seat . . . and he did. Later, when we got to our destination, he was so grateful to me for figuring out how to get there. In some ways, he is more insecure than I am. He becomes practically hysterical, if he gets confused. That's why I drive.

I think he and I both have a kind of Prolonged Stress Disorder, Non-traumatic. His came from being given away as a small child and then taken back, after he got attached to his temporary home. On the other hand, I had very responsible parents, who I knew would never give me away, but they were very strict. I had to walk on eggshells around my folks. It made me kind of uptight. It sounds like he came from a home that did not have enough rules, and I came from one that had too many. He did truly crazy things as a boy, and his folks bailed him out, where mine would have expected better of me.

I think part of what it boils down to is that I don't feel like I get enough adult companionship from him. At times, though, he is a delight. We've been a couple many years, now. During about half of those years, he drank heavily. During the second half of the time period, he has been limited by serious medical conditions. So, it's like I've had unrelenting responsibility, due to something always being wrong with him. I find that I silently compare him with my father, who was super responsible. Then, again, I did look for a man who would be NOT like my father. I wanted someone who would not be dictatorial like my father was. I sure got it. He can't seem to control me, or himself. Now, I'm the one who acts like my father, when it seems like someone has to take charge. Again, that's why I don't live with him. I don't really want to have to be in charge of anyone.

(((Rose))),

That is good, you are opening up and talking about what you have recognized about this relationship.

From what you are saying it sounds like him being given away and then settling in only to be taken back was very tramatic for him. That could explain why he loses his temper and gets so upset when something is "misplaced" or "lost" in his life.

It sounds like he really leans on needing to express his displeasure to you, blaming you back handedly for a deep wound that others put in him. You have had to find ways to distract him from feeling that sudden panic/anger when something is "misplaced/lost" constantly. His own method for dealing with this ongoing deep issue in his past was to turn to alcohol so he could deaden this very uncomfortable feeling of "something lost" that troubles him deeply and was never really addressed, validated and repaired somehow on a conscious level.

You say that he tends to do fine for a while and then gets so snappy and short tempered he hurts you and you get frustrated and you leave. What he really needs is therapy to help him see the root of this behavior pattern and to make "conscious" efforts to find ways to control his out bursts. Right now he just continues this bad behavior and no one around him can really put up with it or stop and keep addressing to him where that came from and how "he" needs to develope skills to over come it instead of just continueing to ask others to control it for him.

You on the other hand had to walk on eggshells and be perfect Rose. So you have scars as well, as you mentioned. God forbid you colored outside the lines growing up. No room for Rose to be ok with mistakes or anything other than perfect.

The bottom line is that neither you nor your boyfriend are perfect, and neither of you are ever going to be perfect. When you are with him you end up being his mother, he demands that in you sometimes, he also punishes you because his mother 'LET HIM DOWN" and he is still very angry about that in his core. So, while you do special things for him, even love him and care about him, he can't let that complete him or resolve that need to express anger about how that love should have been there, and organized for him when he was abandoned and then taken back and he was not really mothered appropriately "there is a missing piece that still upsets him in the now, to the core of him".

You were taught and raised to be "perfect" and "restricted" and to "please in certain ways for your rewards". So in this relationship, your are frustrated because none of your efforts to "help" him have ever been "perfect enough" and "he never gives you real satisfaction".

The fact that he left and you were lonely at first but then felt better and even had some energy to be productive is all about you having some space to have some of your own sense of perfection and self satisfaction. But, his coming home triggered you because you had to go back to be restrained again because of "his" issues. And it is much like your dad that restrained you because of "his" issue and strict environment.

Rose gets very upset when she is "restricted" by others in any kind of interaction. Rose likes to be in charge and have her own way of doing things the way she likes things to be done. She is very strict in her own nature and very dutiful and recognizes rules and what is "right". So, when Rose is not respected or validated she gets upset and ends up depressed from feeling "repressed somehow".

Does that sound like what may be going on?

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

He is not a little kid. You are not his mother.

I would not be off and on with him, just taking a "break" from him; I would do like you did with the car and put things in park, immediately and not care about his "answer"/excuse for his behavior. You told him the car was not moving until he quit screaming, etc. and, I trust, the car did not move until. . .

I would decide (and tell him) that you are not interested in his "excuses" or rationales, you cannot be around him if he is going to be annoying, that you find him passive aggressive and that you feel he might benefit from therapy but, in the meantime, you will give him three opportunities to behave each time you are with him but on the third one, you will leave him for the day/period of time.

Eventually I bet you get to only 3 pull-overs-and-put-in-parks, at which time you can reduce it to 2, then 1 and by then, maybe he'll have learned to get along with people better?

If he acts like a child; treat him like a child with adult "time outs" of that sort. I love the car-in-park response. Just do it in every situation so he, hopefully, learns. And, when he is out of control for too long/many times in one visit, leave him by himself in his corner for a time out.

Thanks for understanding.

I tried getting us both into therapy some years back. He charmed the therapist.

Right now, I'm trying to get him to take some form of physical therapy to slow down his decline. (He is having a lot of difficulty walking.) He is elderly and mobility-impaired. He is in chronic pain. Every trip out of his apartment is a major effort for him. Yet, he does it and runs his own errands much of the time. If a counselor asked him what kind of a change he would like to make, he'ld say "None."

Al-Anon taught me: I can't figure out what he should do . . . . . only what I should do. I was wise, I think, to get away and living on my own. And - yes - when he acts up like a cranky kid, I can say, "See ya later." and I do that.

I'm supposed to go to the bank and then to the pharmacy today. It's already hot because I wasted the morning. I just want to go back to bed. I'm a mess.

Just going by what I'm like, this switching between being a delight and yelling and acting like a child is like being rocked back and forth. I would not be able to deal with it. Shouldn't have to be his Mom either. Is your friend aspergers syndrome?

I went out to the dentist for an 11:30 appointment and was surprised it did not feel as hot as I expected; it's supposed to get to 100 here today.

(((Rose))),

Just so you know, I have been battling similar things myself. There is no such thing as a perfect person/man.

I get tired out with my H as well Rose, but I am not perfect either.

I used to do what Perna is suggesting, it requires maintenance and since I had all the loss etc, and PTSD I have not been able to do that.

So, ok, yes it is late for errands, but just go do whatever you can anyway, make up your mind that its ok if you didn't do them when you thought, after all, no one is watching except you. Try to practice coloring outside the lines and be ok with it.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

(((Rose))))

You have had some very interesting interactions with your bf. It sounds as though your technique of stopping the car and not giving into your bf's increasing outrage and anxiety helps a lot! Kudos to you!!

It does sound as though you really care about your bf. That you want to help him. You do have physical and emotional limitations of your own that shouldn't be disregarded though. Try to keep that fact in mind. Maybe keeping your time spent together a bit more structured and scheduled would help you get the time that you need to relax & take care of yourself.

In your time alone, maybe those are the times that you want to try pushing yourself to accept imperfection and ease up on the stress you put upon yourself.

(((hugs)))

Thanks all. I am here briefly because my back won't let me sit at this computer more than a few moments longer.

No, he does not have Aspergers. He's pretty normal, just immature in some ways, as I am, myself.

I did get to the pharmacy. Today I do need to get to the bank. Have to go now. Too sore.

I got to the bank today. My main "to do" accomplished. Can't stay here long because my back gets sore sitting at this computer.

I went to his place yesterday, at his invitation, to view the opening ceremonies of the Olympics together. We squabbled and I left. I was no better than him in my attitude.

I kind of have to stay at my place for now. My back needs my own furniture, which is all firm stuff. Being at this desk is almost impossible. A lot of what is making me sore is too much of doing nothing, so I feel like I'm destroying myself.

(((Rose)))),

It sounds like you need to put something under your computer to make it higher so that you are not sitting in a way that aggrivates your neck/back. Also you have some tension build up so why not go back in to adding some swimming into your routine?

You have to try to find things that bring you some "good" feelings Rose, something to relieve the tensions that build up. Even taking some walks can help as well.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

That is exactly what I have to do, and I know it. I want someone to come and drag me out of this, but there isn't anyone.

If I got something done about fixing up my place, I would feel a lot better. I am going to tell myself that I will feel stronger tomorrow. My bag is all packed with what I need for the "Y" swimming pool. So there is no reason not to go there one morning this week. I have to just tell myself that it will make a difference. And it will. Doing things does, sooner or later, make a difference.

I am greatly helped by the encouragement. Thank you. (Oh, as far as the computer goes - I have tried every variation there is. I have to not be on too long. If I get my activity up to a normal level, then I will be able to go on the computer for reasonable intervals.)

Well, my mom had arthritis in her neck and struggled with a lot of pain. She bought a book I think it was call Vermont Remedies, I am not sure but in that book it said to drink water with vinger and local honey for the arthritis and Rose, she took that faithfully and it really made a "huge" difference. She drank warm water a teaspoon of honey and a teaspoon of viniger ever day.

Yes, get your body out to swim Rose. You need to get out and make a friend somehow to go walking and swimming with, there are other lonely women out there Rose. I WISH that you didn't live so dam far a way from me, cause I would get you out for something, even tag sales. I was always buying stuff and selling it, did okay at that for extra cash.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

Oh my goodness, I did have a copy of Vermont Remedies so long ago I won't say. I read it with great interest. I do have some apple cider vinegar and I think I'll take a shot if it tonight.

The "Y" where I started going is very friendly. If I get my butt over there, I might get into a routine. It would be the very very best thing I could do for myself. I just love being in the water, but got so out of that habit since living in the desert SouthWest. You are giving me the best encouragement I could get. Lots of swimmers who go there in the morning are even a good deal older than I am.

Tag sales, anything that gets me out will help. It is so hard to get going. Once I'm out, sometimes I feel ebullient. It's the getting up in the a.m. that is the huge hurdle. I'm feeling better though. Encouragement helps me so much.

Unfortunately, when I have met other lonely women in various venues, they ended up dragging me down more than helping me up. I ended up becoming "nursie" to them and I am not doing that anymore. I got to learn to be a bit more hard-arsed. I got to say, "What does this person have going on that will inspire me." instead of "Oh, this is some poor soul that I could minister to."

I've been having trouble with my shoulder for the past month or so and it, of course, mostly hurts when I lay down to sleep so I can't sleep well. My doctor was for sending me to physical therapy but I suggested we table that for now and I try to do something with it on my own first but. . . I'm not doing any exercises or getting away from this hunched computer position, etc.

It can be so hard to get up and do what one knows one has to get up and do!

It can be so hard to get up and do what one knows one has to get up and do!
__________________

Amen.

Oh I hear you Rose, but the key is that you have to push yourself for a while too. You just have to get yourself used to a "new" rythum and that takes time to establish.

You have to be willing to get up in the morning with the idea that you are just NOT going to give up on yourself, no matter what that morning grog tells you.

And you should see if there are any Pool Arobics classes as well Rose. This is an activity that can bring you into more of a connection with others than just going and swimming alone.

As far as meeting "new" people Rose, you have to realize that "most" people will play the role of "you servicing their needs" if you train them to. And you have to make a decision ahead of time that if you "try" to be around others who can "lead" you and inspire you, that it won't effect your ego in that you begin to feel like you do with BF.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

I dont know if it helps, but I've suffered chronic pelvic pain for many years, and for the last couple the hospital pain management team have given me pain injections and the difference has been amazing - halved my pain for about 8 months. I have heard that they work reasonably well too for arthritic types of pain too. I also use a tens machine and when I go to sleep I warm up wheat packs which help sooth enough to fall asleep.

I wish you all the best with it, its rotten living with pain every day, really does get depressing..

Thanks for the posts above. I really appreciate the concrete suggestions. Without further ado, I think I will go get out of the house NOW. I am currently pain free and tempted to stay at PC, which could be my reward later, rather than my escape now. So off I go.

I got out and I feel sooooo much better now! I stopped at S.O.s and changed his bed linens and watched a movie with him and then left. Things are in balance now. I am centered on me at home in my own place. Happy to be here now on my own.