[Bathony]

There is literally no one to talk to, NO ONE. You all repeat thoughtlessly 'keep reaching out'- to whom? There is no one who would listen. Long time ago I lost hope to find a boyfriend or a friend, a soulmate but how come I, of all the people, have no one to talk to? Everyone have someone like that. What pisses me off, even my arch enemy Magda whom I wish all the worst. That ****ing **** is out there having fun with her friends and collegues while I'm talking to my cat. How come evil people who deserve to suffer for eternity have friends and lead a relatively happy life, hurting vunerable people around them? I've tried to find someone, I tried to contact a girl that is a suicidal cutter but apparently she was too busy talking to others and too happy to reply.

Therefore, although I know nobody reads that and nobody cares, I shall tell you how my mother ****ing pisses me off. I emptied the closets in my room that were filled with her old photos, old books and even older magazines and other crap. If I could, I would throw everything away, but I let her segregate the things. This made her ask me: 'Why are you doing this?', then crying and telling me I'm throwing her away. How I ****ing hate my mother. I promised her I would never clean anything in the house and let her rot among those useless old objects she refuses to throw away. When her mother died, she spent days sorting her things. I would spend ages cleaning after her death, so I really hope I would die first. Mothers are always the worst enemies.

[Open Eyes]

Wow, you have a troubling "mantra" you tell yourself to "believe about yourself". How can you expect to have friends when you are so mean to "yourself"?

When we see someone we don't like have so many friends, we have to consider that perhaps that person might "care about themselves" more and they may not have as many "standards" for others to have to abide by. Or what often happens is they have the kind of "sense of self worth" that others want and "tend to be attracted to".

People who have a "low sense of self worth" have more difficulty making friends, because they often become too demanding, needy, and require more effort and thought to spend time with. They often "unknowingly" have a series of "negetive chants" that people find "depressing" and so without realizing it they will spend less and less time with that person because they too begin to feel "down".

I hope you find your way to adopting some more "positve mantras". Only you can do that for yourself. Change and growth has to come from self first.

Open Eyes

[Anika.]

Hmm, but I remember some of your other threads, and people tried to give you much thoughtful advice and ideas, others tried to reach out to be your friend, and others related. However you seemed to reject all the advice and ideas, and were not exactly friendly about it either. Yet they still kept trying. So with that in mind I am not really certain what you would like people to do?

I don't believe anyone needs to suffer for eternity. And I am going to agree with OpenEyes and others who have tried to say the same thing. It very might well come down to what you are putting off. Even in this thread you just put all mothers down, and yes you are clearly angry. But I am a mother, and if you say mothers are always the worst enemies.. can you see how that comes across to others? It made me feel like you already harshly judged me before I even came to this thread.

Same with calling everyone who has replied to you as thoughtless? You might not want to see it, but at this point you are likely creating your very own reality as a result of what you think about yourself and others.

How is anyone supposed to get close to you when you don't seem to want to let anyone in? If I see someone lashing out at people who did try to help whether or not it did help ( that part is up to you ), it makes me not want to reach out.. We have all been hurt, and none of us want to get our hand slapped for trying to reach out. Or be called the worst enemy simply because I am a mother? It makes it hard to reach out to you, because no one wants to hurt you by saying something wrong.

I hope you can try to see that no matter what has happened in your life up until this point that you really do have a choice in which direction it goes from there. Sometimes it's very hard to admit that we also play a role in things especially when they are not going how we want. But sometimes that is the very thing that needs to happen bring about change.

You are not a bad person, and you do not deserve to suffer. I don't know how to help you see it, but I know that is true. I know you are in pain, but it is not because everyone is out to hurt you. There are people out there who would want to be your friend, me included. But you have to learn to love yourself at least enough to see it.

I realize you might not agree with any of that. It really is meant as caring advice. I don't think that if I just tried to relate or just say "there there, it will change" would be very helpful or useful to you.

What I will say is that I am sorry that you were abused, I am sorry that no one was there for you, and I am sorry that you are hurting so badly. I do hope you can find a way to heal, to be kind to yourself and to be able to open your heart and let some others in. I do know it isn't easy. But I do beleive you can overcome all of this.

I do think people here do care, they do read it and they have tried to reach out to you, but I don't think you will see that untill you believe it yourself. You don't just seem to hate yourself, but also seem to feel the same for others as well, so how can people get close to you?

[NoCake]

Having no one to talk to is more common than you may think... Anyway we treat others the way we treat ourselves. You want other people in your life and that is normal. But they will not make your life much better now. You so want other people to love you but you don't love yourself. You want to be loved and you know you deserve love - then why do you not give it to yourself?

You even have resentment towards the one that gave you life. I know not what she has done to you but know that you only get one. There are few women who's loss could bring a man to his knees.

But enough about other people because I don't think they are the worry. Right now it's important that you become more comfortable with yourself right now. You don't need other people to be happy. Friends are important and having a significant other can be amazing but you do not need them to be happy. What do you need? I don't know... But right now spend some time exploring yourself. Forget what other people think they know about you and stop believing the negative crap you heard. Stop judging yourself by what society says makes a person whole. Just discover yourself and really learn who you really are and look at the things you like and want to like.

And yes people here do hear you.

[shezbut]

Bathony,

Every time I see a post by you, I can feel your loneliness, self-hate and anger very strongly. That comes across to me LOUD and clear. I have a ton of things that I want to say to you!! I have been there for a long-arse time, so I can really relate.

BUT, then I am always struck by the line in your signature: No hugs, No Q's about therapy...and you used to have something else very negative in there as well. (I can't recall what it was.) Anyway... those words automatically push me away. Even though I want to offer my wisdom or kind thoughts, I feel as though you are holding up a sign that says, "PISS OFF!!" (only a little more dramatically).

Maybe you don't know how strong that signature is?? Because, I see below that strong statement you've brought up your intense loneliness and self-hate again. What could I possibly say to you????? I seriously cannot think of a thing that doesn't go against your wishes in some way. I hate that! I would really love to reach out and help you work through or simply accept your misery. I have been there! Hell, I am there right now!! But, do you know what? When you accept the misery, it actually feels a little better.

I can imagine that if I feel like this online than those in the real world probably feel as though they're being pushed away as well. You may not be aware of how angry you're coming off as to others, but you should take this post as a blunt signal ~ in response to your blunt post. I really do hope that it helps you re-think things and make certain that you're coming off the way that you want to.

[startingoveragain]

I think it's really amazing how patient and kind people here are with each other. There is much to be learnt that you can take into the 'real world' bathany.
I understand your feelings of isolation but in the end we choose whether to bring more misery into the world or we choose not to. I think it's as simple and as difficult as that.

I hope you are able to make the choice that gives you the option to have a rich, rewarding life that adds value to both your own and others lives, I truly do.

[Bathony]

Wow, yeah, blame me. To the ****er who hates my signature: it is a quotation that describes how victims of sexual abuse feel. I am using it as a signature cos I relate to it. But everyone has a problem with it. I don't want hugs cos I was sexually abuse, isn't that obvious? I don't want questions about therapy because everyone tells me to see a psychiatrist like it ever solved any problem and I had lots of problems caused by those useless fake doctors. It is always the easiest to blame someone who is hurt and vunerable, and you are best at it. Nobody reaches out to me, so don't lie to me about being in the same place cos you aren't. Eveyone here has only mean comments to my problems, thank you very much. It is not my choice how you hurt me, so stop talking about my choices. At least I know the only friend is death.

Careful.. If you keep attacking those who try to help you, then they will stop trying to help you. And nobody wants to do that here - its a caring place. Even if you don't agree.

You should start reading what's been said in so many posts (not just this one), and use your head, not your emotions. Nobody was being mean to you, sorry. Sometimes the truth hurts, and sometimes the truth needs to be heard in order to move forward. Sorry you do not get this.

I hope, one day, you will find the peace you need in your own skin. Nobody can do that for you - you will have to learn to like yourself otherwise you'll keep going around in circles. If you hate yourself, you just can not expect anyone to like you. Its too hard, esp if you lash out at anyone who attempts to help or be your friend. Nobody will keep chipping away at your defenses, sorrow and hatred to get to the real you and be your friend. Nobody works that way, they need some positive responses from you to know they are doing the right thing.

You don't want therapy, that's completely fair enough. Its not for everyone. However, you may benefit from more practical therapy, like cognitive therapy. That's less about your background and pain, but more about ways of dealing with it and the circle of bad emotions you have got yourself into.

Good luck.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Bathony

while I'm talking to my cat.

Well that part is good. That you have a cat to talk to. I love coming home from work and talking to my three cats. Of many good things that happened to me in 2012, one was acquiring three cats, one by one. They definitely make me smile and make my life much more cheerful.

Plus, someone to care for, clean up after, feed, trim nails (something I still need to learn) etc. So, that part is good. All others might be bad currently, but this one is good.

[NoCake]

If someone came around like a friend or boyfriend or something do you think you could feel love again? I bet you could. In fact I'm pretty sure of it. The problem is that they would be your only source of "love". I will use the word "happiness" instead of the word love usually because the word love is thrown around a lot. Love is being there for your girlfriend and holding her hair back while she blows chunks in the toilet. And lets face it - no one feels that way about anyone at first sight. Sorry to all the hopeless romantics out there.

So lets start with happiness because love is complicated. If you want happiness you can get it from friends, boyfriends/girlfriends, cars, money, e.t.c; In fact, lets create a hypothetical situation and say that you could have these right now. Let's say that you have all these things. Just do it... Ok so you have all these things and you see yourself being happy or whatever.

But lets say that bad luck comes around. And I am sure we have all seen bad luck come around. But let's say that you have some especially bad luck. Let's say that you and your boyfriend break up because you have an argument. These things happen to everyone. And then your bank account gets frozen because bad guys from an unknown land have been using it so the government has to "borrow" your money until it all gets settled. Oh and then someone steals your cars. Now you have lost all these great things that you had and with it your happiness went too. Do you see the typical problem with this approach? When your "primary" source of happiness or even love comes from external things and something happens that causes you to lose these things you will no longer be happy. It is therefore in my opinion then that finding happiness primarily in things that are external and are not permanent can only lead to unhappiness. The highs will be high but only the lows will linger on.

It is more important then to find happiness or love in something or someone that will always be around first. And who will always be there for you no matter what happens?

You.

Even now you are posting on an internet forum to vent your feelings.

Sure you can meet some people that feel that same way about you. That would be a beautiful thing. But at the end of the day when no one else is there you will always have you. That is why everyone is worried about your signature. You are hating yourself when you need yourself now more than ever. That brings me to the danger of finding a primary source of "love" only from other people - betrayal. Sometimes even people you trust will wrong you. Sometimes it is purposefully done and sometimes it is an accident. But when your only source of love comes from this person that you trusted it can be very easy to blame yourself for being wronged. Why is this so easy? Because if you don't love yourself then you will only think that you were wrong instead of questioning the other person's behaviour instead. In fact it may not even cross your mind that the fault is with the other person because you simply won't be in that state of mind. I'm sure everyone has been there...

I'm not saying that you should never look for love from other places because you can find great things in the world. But your primary source of happiness and love has to start coming from you. This is important not only for your health - it keeps you safer from people that would try to hurt you as well. I'm not saying that you're going to be invincible when someone wrongs you. You'll probably get angry and feel hurt anyway but you will be a lot better off if you have some love for yourself.

Your signature is just going to make that task harder by making you feel worse about yourself.

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by Bathony

Wow, yeah, blame me. To the ****er who hates my signature: it is a quotation that describes how victims of sexual abuse feel. I am using it as a signature cos I relate to it. But everyone has a problem with it. I don't want hugs cos I was sexually abuse, isn't that obvious? I don't want questions about therapy because everyone tells me to see a psychiatrist like it ever solved any problem and I had lots of problems caused by those useless fake doctors. It is always the easiest to blame someone who is hurt and vunerable, and you are best at it. Nobody reaches out to me, so don't lie to me about being in the same place cos you aren't. Eveyone here has only mean comments to my problems, thank you very much. It is not my choice how you hurt me, so stop talking about my choices. At least I know the only friend is death.

You apparently don't know me at all, nor do you want to ~ and that is fine with me.

In my defense, however, I was merely trying to convey my sympathy and understanding of your misery. I was sexually abused several times in my early childhood and pre-teen years (by different members of my family). Physical and emotional abuse also occurred regularly. I have been fighting my self-hate and misery ever since I was a little girl. So, don't tell me that I'm lying about being in the same place that you are in. I wish that it were a freaking lie, but it's not.

You could be less miserable if you were to talk with those who do understand what you're dealing with. It has always been sad for me, but also reassuring, to know that other people understand how I am feeling. And they have been there to offer their support and words of wisdom to me and others ~ things that have helped them get through really intense moments of misery and self-hate. We all have different sources of comfort that help us get through.

[Bathony]

You all chose none thing to talk about and this is my signature. As if I ****ing had it tattooed on my forehead. I use it only here, so what is your explanation for my general lack of anyone to talk to, huh? Also, thank you all for the lack of comments concerning my mother, at least I know you're on her side. Thanks, feel so much better now, having been blamed for everything, yay!

[NoCake]

1. The 100 paragraphs I typed about happiness have little to do with your signature. But it will be mentioned because any form of self-degrading talk can hurt you regardless of how, where, why or when it's used.

2. You didn't tell us what your mother actually did so it's impossible to comment on it one way or another. No one is taking sides because no one knows what actually happened...

I want to do what I can to help you get through this but I'm not going lie to you and I'm not going to tip-toe around something that seems dangerous to me. That does nothing for you or me.

[Anika.]

I never mentioned the signiture either. I didn't even read it before hand. I choose to address what I felt was important and a barrier to finding someone to talk to for you. Which is something you have asked about many times here. You repeatidly get angry with whatever is posted and see it as attack maybe when it is meant as advice.

I did explain why I think you have no one to talk to but I don't think you actively want to hear what is being said or think about it. I could be wrong about that last part, but that is the message I am getting from your responses here.

[EmbersFlame]

Bathany, I am far from having the right to give any advice, but you should seek help. You attacked everyone on here that was trying to be of help to you. The fact you were sexually abused is a horrible thing and you need to get through it somehow someway. Maybe meds will help? I dunno what you've been through but you are very angry. Sometimes we do hear the same advice over and over and don't think any of it will help because we don't want to go that route, be it therapy or whatever the case. But try something new. You can't go through life doing the same thing and expect different results. That alone is the definition of true insanity. And I am guilty of that as well. We can't judge you or your situation. We are just trying to reach out and help you by what you have posted so far. We do care. This is a great site. You know this or you wouldn't be here. Take a deep breath and let go. And DO something about your pain, not dwell in it looking for sympathy. It gets us nowhere but bitter, hateful and lost and alone. And those things suck! Your problems matter because they are yours. They are no better or worse than any of ours. Remember this. All we are here for is to help each other and that includes YOU! So please, try to be a bit more appreciative. You don't have to listen or take any of our advice, but to be rude and say mean things is way way way unnecessary. I wish you the best and hope you continue to reach out and get help. We are here for you. Cause you want us to be, or you wouldn't have posted any of this.