Not sure how to handle....

I didn't know where else to turn so I thought this might give me some insight. I have been married for a little over 2 years & we have for the most part a wonderful relationship. We are happy most of the time, I can not complain, we enjoy each others company. Our situation is that before we met he was alone quite a long time, he got used to pleasing himself when he came home from work, either while looking at stuff on the computer or whatever. When we got together, our sex life was amazing! Well I still knew that he pleased himself after work, which he says is a tension release...which is fine..until within the last year or so. Our sex life has deminished...I am "lucky" if I get it once a month. No, he would never turn me down, but would not be as into it as normal & never comes onto me. We have both gained some weight since we first met, but nothing extreme, so I don't feel that should be the problem. I know in any relationship the sex will die down some due to work & general every day life. We have no children. He does work hard at work, he is a Mason, but that didn't stop him before. About a year ago we had a major disagreement about him pleasing himself, it got really bad, not that I have a problem with him doing that, I know its common, but when I am not getting any from him then to me it becomes a problem. He decieved me, I threw out all our videos, lotions, etc., he went into the trash & kept some of the oils..as to use himself. When I found them, I really lost it, it wasn't so much the act, but that going behind my back & doing that. Well he got better, I told him he didn't have to stop as I am not going to make him quit all together, but I wanted him to think about my feelings & that I feel he is not attracted to me or that he doesn't enjoy sex with me. Recently I have had feelings that he has started back up again & more frequently...well I was right I confronted him about it last night. What really hurt is I suggested we go get some oils & such & have a really romantic sexy night Sunday night, he blew me off. Then to find out he had just pleased himself on Monday when he got home. Talking with my husband is not very easy, he does not communicate well...that is another subject, so I knew that trying to talk to him would not get me anywhere. We finished our dinner & I went to bed, I don't know how to handle this. When I ask him why he only answers "I don't know". When I ask him why we don't have sex I get the same reply. I don't know how to get him to open up, if there is something bothering him I need to know. I know that sex is not the most important thing in a marriage but it is important. Any advise or thoughts would be a great help. Thanks for reading my long first post...just had a lot on my mind. I don't want to lose him!!!

The only qualification that I have personally is that I am a guy, but I would like to give a little support to you. The gender gap is a tough one, relationships and intimacy issues are hard to get a handle on at times. I have "practiced" most of my life, and I guess that is normal. I am in a fairly new relationship, and my girlfriend wants me to "practice" with her, which was really difficult for me as I have never been that open about it. I was never in a relationship where I masterbated in front of my girlfriend. I can say it was strange at first, a little uncomfortable. I really enjoy it now, and it turns her on as well. We often have sex when I intended only practice. I don't know if this is something you might be able to try, it just worked for me.

Good luck, and good for you for writing about something that is so tough.

Thank you for replying. Yes that is something we have talked about, I, like your girlfriend enjoy that as well, but it is something that has never happened. Not sure if he is uncomfortable with it or not, but he has never done it with me. I am not against his "practice" as you said, but am against him not wanting to share with me. I am a very open person & would be more than happy to watch movies with him, read stories or anything else he would enjoy as long as we both were getting some sort of pleasure. I guess part of the underlying issue is....WHERE HAS THE ROMANCE GONE???? Yes it is difficult to write this, but unless I get this off my chest I will never be able to get past it. I just wish he would discuss this with me instead of me needing to asking complete strangers. But thank you for your insight.

In my humble opinion this is an issue that needs to be dealt with promptly and aggressively. For a couple to be close their needs to be mental, emotional and physical closeness. If physical closeness deteriorates then frustration sets in and it can begin to erode your emotional closeness. Before you know it there is no relationship left. And, to the extent that your husband won't really talk about it I think the relationship is in trouble if you don't do something about it.

The mind can be your most pwerful sex organ. For it is the images that your mind creates and the feelings that you experience that allow you to enjoy sex and reach completion. It may be possible that your husband finds the need to create his own images or fantasies in order to ejoy sex and reach completion. His harmless solo efforts have now taken control over his desire to be with you. He would rather be on his own. I share your frustration. In my opinion sex and physical intimacy should be the EASY part of any relationship. Afterall doesn't everyone love sex? But, I for one was in a marraige where my partner had many hang ups about sex and our sex life was boring to say the least. And, I have been in another relationship where I loved the person dearly but they simply did not have the same level of libido as I did. And, in both cases it can be extremely frustrating. Then, teh frustration leads to resentment. Then the emotional closeness breaks down.

You may see if you can get your husband to agree to counseling. Or, at the very least why don't you try and take more control over when and how you have physical intimacy. Arrange for something very special for him, something you think he would like. A massage with candles lit all around, you dress up, use your creative juices.

I think it is critical to find out why your husband pleasures himself when he does not want to be with you. It seems as though you want to have sex so that is not the issue. It could be as simple as your husband loves you and is faithful to you but has trained his mind to create images in his head in order to complete the act. If that is the case it is a matter of retraining. Try getting a little crazy, creative, make sex fun and different... make it so great that he will think of sex with you and you only and will give his hand a rest.

Good luck.

maybe you should try beating him at his "game". maybe you should try pleasing yourself in front of him until he feel like he wants to share it with you.

But see he doesn't do it in front of me, its behind my back when I am not home, thats what hurts the most! If I knew or he admitted upfront I would not be so hurt. Or if he would just please me some as well, yes I could please myself but that doesn't slove the underlying problem....why does he prefer to be with himself than me.

Hi Notsohopeful,
I can relate to your situation...I recently had the same discussion with my fiance because I was not happy with our sex life. I asked him out of curiousity how often he "took matters in his own hands" and he said probably a couple of times a week. Which is fine, whether that number is accurate or not...but we weren't having sex on a regular basis. He knows I have a high sex drive and rarely turn him down (unless i'm sick or something). So, I was hurt that he was spending his sexual efforts on himself, and not on me! I know I could do the same, but to me sex is more about physical and emotional intimacy rather than just a physical release (which i understand now it is more of the release for guys).

Anyway, I just sat him down and we talked about it. It wasn't easy, as I'm sure you can imagine, because it is a personal and private thing. And, like I said, if i was happy with our sex life, I wouldn't really care how often he went solo. But, the fact is that I wanted more sex. We have been making more of an effort to have sex and things have gotten better.

Honestly, there really is no solution if you can't communicate with him. He either needs to talk to you or talk with you and a counselor. In my opinion, "I don't know" is not a fair answer to give you! You deserve more than that, you are one half of the relationship. Would that be an acceptable answer for him if it were the other way around?

One other thing struck me about your post...you said at the end you don't want to lose him...why would you think this was a possibility?

I'm so sorry you are struggling with this, I completely understand how that feels. And it did take a lot of courage to talk to my fiance about it, but I felt better afterwards. I hope you will be able to find a way to improve communications with your husband and that things will get better for you soon!

Hugs to you!

Survivor

I said at the end of my post "I don't want to lose him" because I feel that if we can not communicate & get through issues we have then eventually it will result in a very unhappy marriage. To make a marriage work takes work & effort. If he does not ever tell me what is bothering him then I will never know to change, something as small as the way I turn my head in the morning, I need to know so I do not continue or try to change, working together is important. This is not the only thing we do not communicate, everytime we have an argument or disagreement, it ends in him joking around & never solving or discussing the issue at hand. I know in most people if things bottle up long enough they become larger than they would have been if only discussed to begin with. I don't expect us to work out ever problem we may encounter yet I think the big issues do need resolved, such as this one.

Like you said sex is very emotional as well as physical, thats why this hurts so much, I need to know that he does indeed love me, yes he tells me...but sometimes words just aren't enough. I found an article awhile ago regarding sex issues in marriages & it said as mundane as it might sound but try scheduling a certain night during the week that no matter what you make together time. We thought we would try that, it worked for all of maybe 2 weeks, it is hard to stick to a schedule when you work late, have family problems arise, etc. besides it does not seem as genuine(I guess to me thats where the emotional comes in). Shortly after that we did make a much better effort at having sex with each other yet that seems to have gone away, maybe I am not trying, I guess I tend to give up when I get nothing in return..no effort, no emotion, no romance, nothing.

I too have a high sex drive, which he met in the begining. Like you Survivor, I don't mind that he does this, it is that part of him not wanting, or seeming to want to be with me. He can release his tension all he wants as long as he doesn't forget that he has a marriage & that takes both of us! I don't think he would like if the tables were turned. I agree "I don't know" is not an aceptable answer, even if I can not believe that is something I am saying.(I do remember hearing that from my mother many times, LOL) I suppose I need to be glad that he is not cheating, just doing it on his own. Although I did explain to him that I felt as if he was cheating, meaning that I was not something or someone that turned him on so he went elsewhere.

We are going to sit & talk tonight, I am not sure where it will get us, but I need to talk, I can't continue feeling this way, I need some answers, even if that means we need to talk with a professional, although we can't afford one, we will manage. Our marriage is worth every penny & effort it takes to make us both happy!!

Oh, I see - that makes sense! And you're right, small problems can turn into larger ones if left unresolved. Sounds like you've got a really good head on your shoulders - you're very smart to realize all this before something gets worse. I'm glad you are going to talk to him about this!

I know exactly what you mean about getting frustrated! Sometimes after trying to talk about it and nothing changes, I didn't even want to try anymore because I felt like I was throwing myself at him all the time - like Peg Bundy (Married w/children show), ya know? And I got hurt too because it is such an emotional thing for me and it's when I feel the closest to him. So, when we weren't having a lot of intimate time, I felt distanced from him. I also started to think what the heck is wrong with me? Don't guys complain all the time about not being able to get sex from their wife? And here I am, wanting it al lthe time and he's not interested!

I didn't mention this earlier...but my fiance did admit he was suffering from depression - that he has for most of his adult life. So, he went to counseling and is on medication now (we both are) and his interest in sex has improved quite a bit. He admitted that was the main reason he was having difficulty - that he just didn't have the motivation to do much of anything.

Good luck to you with your talk tonight - hopefully he will be willing to listen and share with you. Let us know how it goes (if you feel comfortable of course!)

I'm having the same problem now with my fiance but in reverse. Our relationship has always been quite open - we've frequently done mutual masturbation, etc but due to hard work and stress and my medications, my sex drive has dropped from high to almost zero. The problem is that I wouldn't mind continuing more of that now, except for the fact that he pouts when I tell him that I'm just not in the mood. And I'm not. Like, really, really not. His pouting makes me feel like I'm obligated to have sex with him (he complains if it's been more than a few days) and I feel like I get hounded for sex (a common phrase around here is "aw, why not?). This is building up resentment very, very quickly. He knows I'm on medication, we've had numerous discussions about how my sex drive is much lower than it used to be and I've also discussed with him how I really don't appreciate getting pushed into it. It doesn't help. It's like it goes in one ear and out the other. I still want sexual contact from time to time, but he thinks that means that I obviously want sex - so I'm getting more and more hesitant to even act like I have a sex drive at all around him because any resistance on my part will get me an earful of whining on his.

I guess where I'm trying to go with this is that maybe your husband feels pressured by you to do something that he may not always be in the mood for and it's just easier for him to please himself when he feels like it rather than deal with the whole boatload of issues that comes up between you two at the mention of sex.

some of it's magic
some of it's tragic
but i had a good life all the way......
~jimmy buffett

Try bargaining; you'll stop asking if he starts giving. You can even work out a schedule that doesn't sound too bad to either of you, which doesn't sound appealing to me, but I've read it works for some. Or, make the bedroom more inviting to intimacy--clean with comfy pillows and powdered sheets, etc, and don't ask for it--just treat him like when you were still dating, all day long, every day, wear something exciting to bed every night. It can't be worse than asking for it and still not getting any.

Well to reply to the last posters...
First, I don't nag him about having sex, that used to be an issue, he did finally open up & say that it was making him even more uninterested. So I backed off..only once in a blue moon will I say anything about it now. Now it is more of a joking thing, like on New Years Day, I joked & sayed that..."We haven't had sex all year", now he laughed about that & we both thought it was funny, but I do not harm on him at all cause I know that it is hard to get into something that you are *****ed about all the time.

We have talked about compromise, actually we discussed it again last night. When I got home from dinner with my parents, I sat down at the computer & asked him to read this whole thread. When he got through I sat him down on the couch next to me with the tv off. I told him I was sorry for making him read all this, he hates reading, & I knew he was tired & that I was sorry for making our relationship public, but that I needed some advise from others & needed to put my thought into words.

Well I asked him how he felt about it all & he sayed I am sorry...I told him sorry wasn't going to get us through this or help the situation, I need real words & thoughts. I didn't get a whole lot out of him but I felt better for letting him know exactly how I felt. Basicly he said that he is just exhusted from work, which I can understand, the man gets up at 4am, so by the time I get home & we have dinner he has been up for well over 12 hours. So he says he just isn't in the mood to do anything. I understood but still didn't like the answer totaly, I didn't see why he felt the need to pleasure himself without ever thinking about me. Mostly I got a lot of "I don't knows", which I said was not good enough, he knows words, he is not stupid & I don't care if it doesn't make perfect sence, hell he doesn't even have to make complete sentences if he doesn't want to, something, anything would be great. I told him that no matter how small or big anything was that was on his mind, he needed to tell me, I know just getting things off your chest makes you feel a lot better than if you keep it all on your shoulders. So he promised he would try..I said I had heard that before, he said I have been, then looked at me & said ok I haven't been trying enough & that he would really try. I asked if our relationship was worth it & he said yes...so I told him to show me. We have said that we will both try that on the weekends we will make an honest effort to really spend some US time, I told him even if we have sex once a week, I will be happy...would I like it more, yes...but something is better than nothing. So if he truly shows me he will make an honest effort twice a month, i will do the rest. We have decided we will read stories together on line, share fantasies & just be who we were in the begining of our relationship.

This is not the first attempt at this, but I hope he & I both really try to make it happen. I still want to seek out a professional to try & get to what is underlying all his pent up emotions, I think there is more to it than he or I will ever know. I feel a little better now, but things will take time.

Thank you all for your insight & listening! Any other thoughts or suggestions would be wonderful!

You keep referring to wanting to have a good discussion with him about this... most men don't sit and talk like women do. Something about the male ego, I think. They need to be active while talking (i.e. shooting hoops, jogging, fishing, whatever!)


Please research anything I suggest before believing...

No I am not expecting him to sit & talk for hours, what I am wanting is when I ask him a question to get more than "I don't know" or nothing from him. I can not ever carry on a conversation with him in regards to feelings, emotions or thoughts about anything. Yes we do talk, we can talk for hours together, but when it comes to what is really going on in his head rather than every day stuff, I get nothing. Men can talk, men can express there feelings, emotions, etc. I know I have been in relationships where it has happened, or with friends.

If you've gotten that much communication from men, then you're very lucky! Most men do not like to talk about feelings and have a hard time even knowing what they feel because they've learned to avoid feelings, having been taught that having them isn't manly.