How to deal with boyfriend's kids?

After a really long time, finally I found my true love. However, he has two kids from his previous marriage.
He brings his kids to my place whenever he has them which he has 50% custody and that's too much for me.
This weekend from Friday night till Monday morning, he had them and they were at my home. I got exhausted and at night I asked him to put them in bed soon since they were tired too. Then at 9pm when his son (6 years old) took shower and came downstairs to play wii, I told him "no, you should go upstairs and sleep". He shout at me and told me "my daddy told me I can play wii". I got furious and I called him which he was upstairs with his daughter (8 years old) and I asked him to tell him not to turn on the TV and no play anymore.
Honesty, I couldn't stand another wii game all into my head. I had a big headache after having kids and entertaining them for the whole weekend.
And This is my house (I bought it with my own money). and he doesn't pay me rent or anything but he's always with me.
Anyhow, he got so upset with me and at night he told me "I am the father and I am the one who is telling them what to do, you have no rights". I said "you are telling me that at my own home I have to be miserable and not have a break and not being able to tell the child that no more TV?"....
We had long conversation which ended up with saying "I love you" and making love. He said "it looks like I'm not ready and he won't bring them to my home".
I don't have any kids and it's too much for me to have kids all over my home. I paid cleaning lady on Friday, but home gets dirty right away.
We've been together for five months, every single day and we love each other. but I can't stand to be taken advantage of.
I buy things for the kids and do lots of stuff. I feel not being appreciated. and I want my me time.
My boyfriend has trust issue since the mother of the kids has cheated on him.
So, he doesn't like me to go out alone with my friends when he's not with me. Then when he's not with me, I'm so alone!
I told him last night, you have to trust me and let me do stuff by myself.
I've been single most of my life and it's so hard for me to be in a relationship. and now it's not just a man, it's a man with two kids.
I feel they are always united and I'm always out of the circle. last night he confirmed that and I can't get rid of that thoughts. It's so sad!
I do love him and I want to continue my relationship with him. I'm 40 years old and I've been in several relationships. I know how hard is finding a partner that is my best match (or the closest match to my ideal partner).
I appreciate any feedback.
thanks

I think his having been cheated by the kids' mother was not caused by you in any way (right?), so that he would demand that you not spend your time a certain way due to that is bizarre, irrational, and unreasonable - you need to assert your right to spend your time the way you want to. And where would you draw the line if he makes you responsible for actions that were not even yours? Say, what if his ex tried to poison him by putting a substance into his drink - would you now not be allowed to have drinks in your own house that you bought for your own money?..

The TV thing - if they can use headphones so that you would not get a headache, would that solve the probem with the TV?

Where does he live and why cannot he have the kids spend the time with him at his place and watch his TV?

Thanks for the reply.....

I have just one TV at home and they are using it anytime they are there to play Wii. Frankly, it's too much for me. I can't get relaxed at my home.
He moved in with his mother, because he wanted to save money (and he makes good money since he's a lawyer). His mom is a real monster and she was rude to me, so since then he brings the kids over to my home when he has them during weekends. and of course, my house is way better and bigger than his mom.
He used to bring them over during the week but we had issues and he doesn't bring them any more, they go to his mom's home!
He got separated three years ago and I didn't know him at that time. His separation is nothing to do with me and he had lots of girlfriends in between!!!
I'm so hurt particularly by the fact that he was so mean to me telling me that I have no rights to tell the kid to not play wii!!!
However, later on he apologized, but honesty, I think that's what he thinks.
I feel outsider and he confirmed it while he was angry!
I don't want to have the kids next time. I'm not here to baby sit them, provide them house and shower and swimming pool and then not being appreciated!

I'm still so angry!

And I didn't want the kid to use the TV. They had it enough. The whole weekend and it was time to sleep. Frankly, if they were my kids, it would have been the same.

I see why you would feel so hurt. Since you still believe that he thinks, in his mind, that you have no right to tell the kid not to play wii, and, since he is a lawyer and would understand a conversation about rights, I would send him the following message:

- Dearest BF,

I believe that you might still be thinking that I do not have the right to tell the kid not to play wii, so I want to share my thoughts on it.

You are the kid's father and, as such, you have both the right and responsibility to make major decisions concerning the kid, such as the decisions about the kid's education/healthcare, etc. I acknowledge that right and am not trying to take it away from you.

When your kid is in my house, he is my guest, and I, as the hostess, have the right to set ground rules of behavior in my house. I was exercising that right when I limited the use of TV for playing wii.

Your confusion is that you are not seeing the difference between a hostess' right to set ground rules and the parent's right to tell the child what to do. I was not encroaching on your right to direct the course of your kid's life until majority; I was just exercising my right to peace and quiet in my house, and to do that, I had to limit the use of wii.

My general expectation of you as my bf, though, is that you would help me exercise my right to peace and quiet in my house by taking the initiative and communicating the rules of behavior in my house to your kid by yourself, so that I can be spared this duty. The rules of behavior are :

1-
2-
3-

***

The last part is only if you think you might invite them back; otherwise, omit.

I must add... what an idiot . But do not put that in your letter to him.

He's taking advantage and shows a clear lack of respect for you. He apologises only to keep you on side.
Give him the flick.

There are a lot of red flags to me in what you wrote that say he has no respect for you. It's not that he has kids that is the issue here, I think. It's that he is quite possibly an a$$hole.

Thanks my dear "hamster-bamster"....

That's well said. You made it easy for me to understand the situation. He was so irrational and mad. He got to understand when they are at my house or my car, they must play my rules.

Yes I have set of rules and he doesn't like them. Like yesterday they were in my car and he was driving (since again my car is better than his), then he gives kids chocolotes and they were eating in the car. I got really pissed. because his son eats really messy and all his hands were covered with chocolotes and he made such a mess in my car. I got really upset and I told him "no eating in my car". we got into argue over that too. and I ended up being upset and telling him to bring his own car and I reminded him "this is my car and my rules.
I don't think he gets it at all!

He even invited his sister and whole family to my swimming pool while we were not there. The swimming pool is in the community and I have just one key to it (which is expensive if I loose it $100). He left my pool key (with my home key in the back yard for them. of course , he asked me if it's okay, but how I could say "no" when he was right on the phone with his sister and asking me there. I went to check the keys and I took my home key out. I was really pissed.

I disagree. He is not a bad person. All I said here are the issue that I have with him. He's so sweet and nice to me and he takes care of me. He's a human being and based on my experience, no one is perfect.
When I tell him things, he corrects his behavior. I think we are going forward too quickly. I can't handle the whole weekends with his kids and he said he's not going to bring them over anymore. I think that works better for me.

Hi ((((Marjan)))) I am so happy for you that you found your true love. That is wonderful! Love is a good thing

Your situation sounds two-fold:

- You are playing house with his family on a temp basis, with no rights, but a lot of responsibility.

- He has trust issues so you aren't in a solid relationship.

I am sorry and don't mean to sound hard, but you sound very resentful and he sounds incredibly insecure.

Would he consider going to couples counseling with you?

If not, you should consider: (a) going to counseling yourself (so you can work out your resentment and understand blended family situations), or (b) getting out now.

I do believe compromise is important and if you love each other, of course, you should work on it, but this man comes with a lot of history. That meshed with your own...

Set clear boundaries and definitely protect your heart.
(when push comes to shove, his "first" family typically will come first).

Best wishes to you. Please keep in touch and let us know how you are doing.

Thanks Rose.....You are really right. I'm taking too much responsibilities while I have no rights!
I believe he is the one for me, but we need to work on our rules and I want to take it easy. It's too soon for me to have his kids all the time when he has them.
and yes he has lots of insecurities which goes back to his childhood and he knows that.

Sorry, maybe what I said came off as a quip, so let me explain.

1. He clearly does not respect the rules you set in your own house.

2. He clearly does not respect the rules you set in your own car.

3. He does not want you to go out with your friends without him.

Number 3 is the biggest red flag. I have to say that if I was in a relationship with a woman who said something similar to me, it would be the last thing she ever said as my girlfriend.

Ok, maybe he is not a bad person, and everyone has good and bad points, that is true. Just the issues above indicate very strongly that he does not respect you.

so sweet of you - thanks!

If you want to tone down your message to him with a little humor, you might say:

Dearest BF,

I know you prefer to drive in my car because it is better than yours. Please realize, though, that soon after the salon gets all smeared in chocolate, my car won't be as nearly as good as it is now. Sooner or later, it will be just like your crappy car. So why not just start bringing your own car - no difference?..

You have gotten a lot of great advice and most of this has already been said, but you have set the boundaries. I have BF kid issues, too, although a bit different than yours. When his kiddo is around, the kiddo knows that he is to do what I ask him to do and if he is disrespectful or shouts at me, I can deal with it or get his dad to. The one time he shouted at me that I am not his mom, I asked him to please not shoot me with his Nerf cross bow gun thing. I took the toy and he scrubbed the baseboards with a tooth brush for ten minutes to earn it back. Afterwards, I sat down and explained that while I am not his mother, he is in my house and I love his dad very much, so that kinda makes us a little family. People in families respect each other, even if they don't like what is being said or done. I explained that is a non-negotiable expectation, and if the behavior happens again, then he, his dad, and myself would sit down and discuss further this concept. There have been no other problems.

Dad wasn't too happy about the punishment aspect, but I gently reminded him that this is a new situation for all of us. I reacted the way I would with a kid in my classroom and I didn't want to depend on him for all of the respect the child shows me. I needed to set boundaries on my own. I would never yell, hit, or be hurtful toward the kid. After the initial shock of the situation, he was cool with it and backed me up.

Have you talked to the dad about your problems and let him that if you are going to be together you are going to be a bigger part of their lives and boundaries need to be established?

I was nearly 35 when I met my husband and nearly 40 when we married. He has three sons, one of whom was 6-8 when we starting living together. There was joint custody so his son came over whenever my husband and his ex-wife decided.

Dating my husband I paid extreme attention to how he treated the women in his life; his mother, ex-wife, my mother, me, etc. I also paid attention to his relationship with his sons and how they interacted, how I interacted with them and they with me, etc.

What you have "now" is probably going to continue if you choose to get closer to this man. It does not sound like he has a good relationship with his ex-wife nor does it sound like he has had much experience or put much thought and care into raising his children. That he has to be told he is in your space and it is your house and yet he brushes that aside, I do not see how that can change in the future?

My husband was still living with his wife when we started to date; he told his wife he was going out with me/that night we first went out. He did not lie, cheat, or deceive her at any time and still does not (she'll be over this weekend as will the 3 sons and wives, girlfriends, grandchildren, etc. for a party Saturday). She trusted him and called him when she had any kind of problem, even when she should not have called him (when she saw her lawyer after he "forced" her to see one for the divorce, she called him to tell him what her lawyer had said!) and that is true to this time! He has never betrayed her trust.

When my youngest stepson came over to spend the night, I worked hard to make space for the two of them to interact. THEY went off together to do father/son things not involving me. However, his son and I also did things together (my husband's ex- and I still laugh about the time son and I caught a zillion baby frogs in the front yard and I rigged up a large container with screening on top and he took it home; not necessarily something you want your 6 year old bringing home? :-) and he had been taught to obey adults and mind what they had to say and never tried the "You're not the boss of me, my daddy said" thing where it was backed up by his father. If I had a problem with the son I did not know how to solve, I would discuss it with my husband (boyfriend initially for 5 years) and we would decide together. That is what I wanted marriage to be like for me and that's partly why I married him, I felt he was good marriage material.

If I were in your shoes, I would have to have a talk with him and if he could not understand and agree that I am in charge in my own space and that his children (and he) need to agree with my rules in my house and that he needs to back me up when his children balk, I would have to think seriously about having the children at my home at all. When he had the children, I would have to have he and they stay somewhere else.

If he does not seem to be able to "share" with you, for whatever reason, I would think long and hard about marrying him. If he treats your space like it is his, how can it get better when he buys a house for the two of you? It will be "his" house and he will act as he pleases rather than consider you and your input. A marriage, for me, is about sharing and I don't see your guy doing any of that?

When I read this I couldn't believe that I wasn't the only one who has this problem. I could have written this post. I'll admit I am responding without reading all the responses to and hope that people are understanding in what you are trying to say. I completely understand. I have the same problem at my house. I am going to take the time now to read the responses and make another post later.

Thanks for all the inputs....
Last night we had a long conversation starting at 7pm ending at 9:30!
He told me his kids are first and I'm coming last (before he was always telling me that I have to come first, because if we have a good relationship, then we can take care of the kids better)....Then later on when he cooled down, he changed his mind and he said he was angry to say that....
He said he's not going to bring them over again and frankly, I'm happy about it....Today is 5 months that we are together and it's too early for me to have all this drama....
Then when he cooled down, I talked to him nicely and I reminded him that it's my home and they have to go with my rules and I told him even if we move to a new place of ours, still it will be the same....
He tells me that I talked meanly to them and it's not true. He said why I told her daughter to turn off the game music because the music is annoying and repetitive.....WTF the whole day same sound in my head....
He was so irrational and overly protective towards his kids....Yes, I see a red flag here and I got backed up badly....I couldn't even make love to him in the morning and I excused myself....I won't reward him with sex now!
He took me out for a drink and he said sorry for making me sad but he was not sorry for his kids....
Then in the middle of night, I think I had a bad dream but I can't remember, he woke me up....He said I was shouting in the dream saying "Rich Rich....please don't....no....no...."....In the morning, he said he's sorry to hurt me....He told me how much he loves me.....I don't know but it doesn't feel the same....probably I need time....
Tonight, he has his kids and he asked me to join them for dinner....He said he will miss me and he wants to see me....I told him I'm not comfortable to see his kids now and I won't join them.....
I'm planning to go out dancing with my girlfriend and I know he won't like it but then too bad....He can't prison me!
I told him he has to respect me and trust me.....
I don't have kids, and I have no parenting right, so why should I put up with all these stuff while I could have had a better weekend!
I cried so much because I was hurt....I feel pain still but I don't want to put so much weigh on it....
I slow things down.....no more kids at my home....
We are in love and I have no doubt he loves me, but his kids and his issues are coming on our way.....
I know there is no perfect relationship.....and I have to see how I can deal with this or if I can even!
This is my plan from now on:
I'm going to make myself busy as when I was single and no kids around me now....and I have to stay strong!
If he wants me, then he will come up with a better solution.....
Thanks again for all your support here....

hehehe.....you are so funny....yes, I told him that when we were in the car....

He's going from one extreme to the other here, in my mind!!! My ex, he says the same things, it's black and white for him, all or nothing. There's no say what he means, means what he says.

Your wanting the TV off at 9pm, and kids to bed around that time frame, is NOT unreasonable, mother or not!!! Honest to goodness!! Yeah, 9pm is a normal time to turn off the electronics and get to bed!!

So from you, asserting, that; it's now, Well...I will NEVER bring them here Again?!

See, the irrationality in that??

My ex, Him first--kids are an extension of him, then whomever 2nd, when he's NOT getting HIS Way!!

Flexibility and Compromise are keystones to a functioning relationship. Is HE on board?! You sound, like you'd be willing to compromise, Will he? Can he?!

It seems he wants to compromise too....He told me in the morning how much he loves me and he wants me and he said I'm the best thing has happened to him in a long time.....I think we need time to see how it goes....
He takes care of me in all other ways....
Well...I think time will show our way...His kids are a huge deal breaker! Specially if he doesn't want the other person to have any input while they are running up and down in her home (I mean while they are at my place).....
I believe he had the same issue with his sister and finally his sister asked him to not bring the kids the whole weekend at her place! I don't blame her!
If I see her sister, she will tell me....
It's really sad....I'm 40 years old and I finally found love and I know he loves me but then his kids are huge mountain between us....At least he made them look like that to me!

oh and he said he will never bring them to my home and then few minutes later on when I asked him how he wants to continue relationship with me if he doesn't want his kids at my place, then he said he didn't said never....he meant for now! but I'm positive I heard he said "NEVER" with emphasize!
Frankly, I don't give it a damn....no benefit to have his kids at my home, just headache....and It was relief to me hearing that he won't bring them over....less laundry and less dishes and cleaning for me....and I can go wherever I want and watch whatever movie I want!

http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com...ve-the-vampire

(this may be helpful for you...I hope you continue to look after yourself)

Your relationship with him is fairly new, 5 months is not very long in reality.

Whether his kids behaved perfectly or not really isn't the biggest problem that I see.... His Kids should come first if your insisting he list who is first in his life. They are young kids they will be loud and messy even when well behaved. Yes ground rules are needed and you and him should decide "together" what the rules are, not just what you think, because that just isn't fair to him nor the kids.

"You" choose to date a man that has children.. If you really can't handle the noise and the who comes first and can't accept the kids and be a good person in there lives then ... Maybe you shouldn't continue seeing him.

Good luck with your decision

I do sympathize with your situation. I have a strict policy of not dating guys with kids, but my current love didn't tell me for five months, knowing my policy, and after I fell in love he kinda sprung it on me. I am trying to work through my issues about dating guys with kids, but it certainly isn't easy. Hang in there if you feel it is worth it.

I had that strict policy too since I dated a guy with kids before, but then I thought probably I should give him a chance and we had our best five months of our lives together.....
I'm slowing things down right now.....He wanted me to meet them for dinner tonight and I said "NO"....
I need time to myself and he has to understand....

Since he has no home for his kids, then he has to respect the hostess rules....He's mad at his mom because his mom is a clean person and doesn't go along with kids make mess, now he brings that to my home.....Plus he doesn't pay for my mortgage and bills while he's using them every day.....

So don't judge me.....as long as he and his kids are under my roof, they have to follow my rules and I'm not letting them to walk all over me!

That's my choice and decision to go further with him or not....He has a big baggage and he has to be nice as I'm a good provider and intelligent woman and I will be a plus to his and his kids life.....I don't have to pay the price for his bad choice and his wife who cheated on him!

While I think that your fella has got quite a few things wrong, I fear that you are perhaps expecting more from him than you are going to get, especially if you refuse to see his children or have them over again.

Whereas I understand having the children with you nearly every time you see him is too much, and that it is too early in the relationship for that, I think a blanket ban on seeing them is not the way to go either. They are part of him, you can't reasonably expect to change that, nor should you ask him to choose or put you first. Make him chose and you will lose. I am actually concerned too that they were introduced to you so soon - 5 months of dating should really be where things are still uncertain.

In an ideal world, if your relationship is going to last in a healthy way, he will let you have some input in their lives, and see that you actually would want the best for them (and that want to be genuine). That includes being strict at times and insisting on house rules - with the back up of your fella. However, in turn you will have to accept that they are the most important part of you boyfriends life, and instead of being threatened by them, you should enjoy them and be doing your best to build up a little tight unit - an extended family. That also includes putting them before you on more than one occasion. Anything less is not fair on them. They need security, and not to made to feel unwanted by you, no matter how much that may be true.

I think tho, you may have to accept that - in your own words - children are a 'deal breaker' for you. There's nothing wrong with that, truly there isn't. Children are not for everyone, you've had all these years without them, building up your life, house, fancy cars etc, but to ignore that gut feeling and making ultimatums or banning kids from your life isn't the way to be in a good, healthy and successful relationship, no matter how much you both love each other. Sometimes love just isn't enough to overcome circumstances.

Good luck.