Husband is Controlling

My husband always has to know where I am, who I am with and what I am doing at all times. If I am at the mall with friends he calls me and if I don’t answer the phone because I didn’t hear it in my purse the minute I get home I get the 3rd degree. If I don’t call him in the car on my way home from work he gets upset at me when I get home. He doesn’t like to do things with my family so I don’t get to see them as much as I would like to. I am starting to feel like I have no freedom or time to myself and even though I am not doing anything wrong I have to answer for everything I do or don’t do. I have never given him a reason to not trust me but I feel like I am always walking on eggshells wondering what I will be in trouble for next. What should I do?

Liz, I am curious, how long you have been married and how old you are? I ask, because I am 40 years old, and your story reminds me of some things that my wife and I had to GROW through in our 20's. Back then, I remember, we were still partying and hanging out with friends, so insecurity was at a high.

We would regularly see people flirting with other peoples spouses. Nothing ever happened to my knowledge, but when you see it, or worse if he participates in it, then he would think that is how everyone is, including you.

I am not accusing him, and neither should you. I am only saying, jealousy is quite often a reflection of someone's insecurities. Those insecurities are based on "something". You said you have never given him a reason to suspect you of anything, so that can't be it. It is possible that he is still young enough that his eyes are still popping at the sight of other girls, and that makes him believe that you are the same, checking out other guys. His level of insecurity would therefore indicate that he is checking out a LOT of girls! But the point isn't that looking is a bad thing. Sometimes it is not controllable. But if he isn't ACTING on those impulses, then he should also be confident that YOU wouldn't act on those impulses.

Lastly, if you are very young, and he is displaying other warning signs of emotional abuse, you should consider seeing a marriage counselor together to nip it in the bud before things get ugly, and before you have children together. Sort it out, or get out.

In my opinion.

He does not respect you, and you do not like that - very simple.

I was going to ask the same question as mojo321. How long have you guys been married.

Although I agree with mojo321, insecurities are high when you are younger, however, I don't ever remember it being like you are describing. That's just too much and I can't ever remember them going as far as being jealous of my family to the point that I couldn't go around them as much. If he is this controlling about what you are doing and where you are, it will probably expand into other areas too such as him wanting to control everything in your life.

It is not an age issue. My ex 2nd H did not like when I did not pick up his calls from my work, and he was then around 50.

I really feel for you. Your husband is treating you like a child and that must be incredibly frustrating. There may be a more concrete psychological problem behind your husbands behaviour or perhaps he simply feels lonely? Does he have many friends and does he seem them much? I find people get possessive when they feel other areas of their life are out of control. Perhaps his job isn't going so well, maybe he has issues with his family or doesn't feel he can relate to yours and doesn't want to share? There could be numerous reasons for his behaviour of course but what have you done so far in expressing your unhappiness at the situation? Does he give you space to explain or does he just cut you off? Unfortunately situations like this can fester to the point where ultimatums are dished out and everyone ends up very unhappy and taking action they regret. I can only suggest you try and have a serious sit down and explain gently but firmly that you feel his behaviour is unwarranted and that you would like him to trust you because you give him no reason not too. Do you got out much with each other anymore? Again i keep thinking this is perhaps a loneliness issue - if you both find there's increasingly little time for each other through out the day can you maybe spend an hour together just making dinner or sitting and just being in each other's company. Sounds basic but sometimes being with someone isn't about activity it's about just being near them. I hope you feel you can elaborate a bit more, if not then i hope your situation improves through any suggestions mentioned here.

I am going to say, that sometimes, it's not about how young, nor how long married. Based upon my own experience.

Of course, you give your husband no reason not to trust you! And deep down, it sounds like you realize this isn't of your creation, it's whatever fears are burrowed deep inside of him.

Insecurities can run rampant, between young and old. When I married, my (now ex) husband was 39. I was 27, on my wedding day.

He was like this, the entire marriage. Call me when you get there, call me when you are leaving, why didn't you answer the phone, on and on and on. One August day, he called me 42 times in a 7 hour time frame. He was in an inner rage and a half, that day.

Was he insecure because of what he'd seen in his surroundings between other couples, or insecure to feel that he was unworthy of an honest loving relationship? Some of that, is part biological, as he was eventually given a prognosis of one part bi-polar. My therapist, also suggested a bit of adult ADHD--which can lead to some OCD behaviors. And another part, environmental, with the second part of his prognosis of Borderline(personality disorder). He'd lost his dad, at a very young age and grew up in a family of 11 children. Cannot imagine that, was an easy life to have lived.

Now, regardless of why you husband behaves this way. The main part is, how are you going to set yourself up to no longer be subjected to this behavior?

Are you currently seeing a therapist? They can help you, learn to assert yourself in order to say, listen, I cannot tolerate these third degrees for missing the phone ringing, and also how to set up a time frame of when and how many phone calls you will accept.

This type of living, can lead to a quasi-traumatic injury to yourself!! I have some phone aversion issues, that even after all these years, I am working through.

Granted, there are many other reasons why I am not married. So, that is certainly not a solution I'd recommend. Learning to get this resolved is the solution I'd recommend. You, are a human being, and have every right to have just a fair amount of breathing room, without being verbally attacked for missing a phone call or two. And checking in, and accounting for every moment of your whereabouts to appease the racing mindset he must be enduring is something you don't need to rescue from him.

And yes, you are walking on eggshells, when you try to soothe that inner nagging suspicion of his.

If it was just the stuff about phoning him and knowing where you are, I would say that he is very insecure and possible needed some therapy. It's no marriage walking on eggshells. But, it's the bit about not wanting to do things with your family.. well... its the same as my controlling (then abusive) ex was. Knowing where I was, not wanting me to see family or friends, checking my emails and phone for text messages.. ugh.

If it's a confidence issue on his behalf, then suggest therapy, perhaps even couples therapy because then you may be able to get your point of view in a calmer environment than at home if he gets upset easily.
If he is controlling you emotionally or physically in more area's, then I would consider the fact that you may be married to someone who is really not good for you.

Hugs and good luck.

Was he like this before you got married? If so, why did you marry him?

I will refrain from giving input until I have a clearer mental picture of your situation...

My narc radar went off thanks to few key issues and words that you used - controlling behavior; giving you the 3rd degree and walking on eggshells. I've been married to a narcissist for many years and am now particularly tuned into spotting their characteristics. I'll wait to read what your replies are to other questions and to gain further insight before I give my opinions but they are all warning signs that all is not well in your relationship.

In regards to insecurities mentioned by mojo.

Insecurities are OK; they are human.

A person who is in touch with his insecurities is a little apologetic. It is OK to say: "I know it seems that I am going overboard, but I feel better when... and I would appreciate if you... do XYZ... to give me comfort I crave."

The H is not doing that, though. He feels entitled to restrict your freedom. Well, the sense of entitlement is a horrible thing in a partner, so to the extent that you do not report having children, you should be able to call it quits without too much heartache for anybody.

Well said Ham-Bam. Wow, entitlement.

Here's a thought on "hoping for change".

Many times, people in relationships feel a strong emotional bond with their partner, call it love if it is that strong, and those emotions can make you "hope for change". Or even "work" for change. But changing someone else is not possible. Only coersion is possible. And that's not good, either. THEY have to see it, and want to change.

For the quality of insecurity/controlling behavior, on a scale of 1 to 10, if "typical" is a 5, then on good days someone would be at a 2 and on bad days they would be at an 7. But the center number is what matters.

Sounds like your guy's "normal" is at an 8, and on a bad day he is at a 12 and on a good day a 7. That's too much. And IF he can see that it is a problem, and IF he wants to change, he is going to have to get all THREE numbers down. Not just one.

Example, if he works hard at it, and gets it under control to where his typical day is at a 7, and his good days are at a 5, but then once a month explodes with a 14, he really hasn't affected a change. He is just binge/purging his outbursts.

I hope that makes sense.

I would have to work on my own self esteem and boundaries and tell him not to call/bother me so often when I am with others, not answer my phone and not put up with "3rd degree" conversations. I would go see my family when I wished to and would tell him in no uncertain terms that I would hope he would accompany me, as my husband, at least some of the time.

I do not see anything to respect there in one's husband and his behavior would have to change or I would not want to stay in the marriage.

Practical advice Perna. Let me add:

Make a list of some statements and memorize them.

"I wasn't doing anything wrong, or against you or our relationship. I remained true to you the whole time I was out. As for the details of "who" I talked to all day and "what" we talked about, you are just going to have to learn to trust me."

"I can't control how my family thinks, and neither can you. But I will remain true to you throughout. You are going to have to trust ME, even though you may be bothered by someone in my family."

"Your fear of what I am doing when I am out of your sight is driving me away from you. The very thing you fear is being created by you. Don't you see that?"

The main theme here is his lack of trust, and it's damaging effects. He will ALWAYS try to turn the conversation back into "justifying his anti-trust". That's a different track. Don't entertain that discussion/argument. (Do your very best to remain guiltless so that he can't throw anything in your face, to pull the argument back to his track)

Thank you for the responses! To answer a few questions. We are both middle age in our 40's. This is a second marriage for both of us and I don't remember him being like this at first. Maybe I was wrong to marry him. Maybe there were signs all along I just didn't see or didn't want to see. I don't know but all I know is what I have described here is just a small piece of what is going on. There is so much more. I am seeing a therapist but he won't go. He goes 1 or 2 times and because it costs money or he doesn't like what they have to say he won't go back. I feel like I am always on guard having to watch what I say because if I say something the wrong way then my day goes very bad....He is very negative. Another example:
I lost my Father who I was very close to and after he died I had a picture of him in my wallet. When my husband saw it he went off the deep end asking why I didn't have a picture of him? Well I don't keep any pictures in my wallet (I don't even have ones of the kids) but I found a picture of my Dad and stuck in in there. I haven't heard the end of it....

I really appreciate everyone's comments. My therapist also suggested that he is a Narcissist. If he is I need to figure out how to deal with his behavior. We don't have children together thankfully. I am starting to think that we are just wrong together. My Love for him has broken down to the point there isn't much left. There is so much more than what I have explained here. I just feel so lost...

It's a horrible feeling when relationships go sour and I really do feel for you. Glad you're getting some sense of reason and understanding from your therapist - I hope it's giving you some strength too as it's quite a lonely place when living with someone like that.

I can't tell you what to do, but I hope you do what is right for you and whatever it may be that will make you happy.

Good luck.. hugs.

Now i have more information on your situation i'm better informed of the seriousness of it. The part of your post in bold particularly concerns me. This man demonstrates no desire to change - none at all. How well that will bode for your future circumstances is something we can't know but can certainly predict. In truth you sound exhausted and i agree that luckily children aren't involved because it sounds like the unhappiness your experiencing isn't something anyone else should have to deal with let alone you. I understand you're probably feeling a mix of everything from anger to sadness to disillusionment - be assured it's not uncommon nor is it wrong to feel the way you do. I hope that with the help of your therapist and all the support you'll have here, you can find a way out of this. All the very best.

I am so thankful for the support I have found here! It is really comforting to know that my feelings are validated. I'm not crazy or wrong for feeling the way I feel. His behavior is not normal. I think I have known for a long time that things weren't "right" but haven't wanted to deal with it. I know he isn't going to change and I think I kept hoping he would. I have another appointment with my Therapist by myself on Thursday. I hope she has several hours open! Thanks again everyone!

Based on the story about your late dad's picture in your wallet, the guy is not only completely worthless, but also without any sense of right and wrong. And, since he is in his 40s, he cannot be helped.

So you are wasting time and money to the extent that you are trying to prolong it. You should just file for divorce without further ado. The sooner the better - you have one life to live. He is dangerous to be around - people who do not know right from wrong at all are dangerous.

The story about his controlling your whereabouts (your OP) is innocent in comparison with the story about your dad's picture in your wallet.

The story about the dad picture in your wallet is SO telling that I would say that it was an unintended litmus test that the guy did NOT pass, so consider yourself lucky that you obtained clarity through that incident.

A 10 year old child with normal emotional development would be able to behave correctly in the situation with the late dad's picture in your wallet. So, to the extent that you are still having sex with the husband, you are - on a symbolic level - guilty of statutory rape, because he is emotionally underage.

"Dude: when I married you, you were "with it". By now you have disintegrated and are into controlling my whereabouts. I have news for you: if you do not stop controlling my whereabouts, I will divorce you, and then you will DEFINITELY not know my whereabouts. So either you quickly go back to your original state of mind and learn to tolerate not knowing my whereabouts infrequently, or, you will never know my whereabouts since I will divorce you. Figure out what suits you better and let me know by the end of the summer so that I can make plans accordingly."

"Dude... when I married you, I thought that you were a Mensch. But you aren't. It is not your fault and you cannot be helped, so I am not accusing you of anything, but just letting you know that I am leaving this marriage as soon as feasible. You should start thinking, if you care, about whether you want mediation or lawyers. I will think about that myself, pricing the options, and then let us reconvene at the end of the summer, when we will have done our homework, and talk. Do not try to influence my choice, please, as it is pointless."

Thank you so much for understanding! I felt so alone like I was the only one that saw a problem with that. That was the last straw I think that just really shut me down. My Father had Leukemia and was sick for 2 years before he died. My husband was never "there" for me or my family all he cared about was when I would be there for him...When I needed comfort I got it from my family or my children who were more understanding then he ever was. Honestly I have been thinking of divorce for years but kept thinking I could make him see things and change but it's just never going to happen. I see my therapist again tomorrow.

Bless you I know how you feel, my boyfriend might be deployed and I'm back home in Houston. *Tears* But when I told him I got my haircut it was after the fact that he asked me baby?! Why did you go and get it before asking me that you wanted to get it cut? I thought to myself I am a grown woman that can make her own decisions for herself!

Wow, I remember this kind of argument. You guys are young, and not married yet, so this is a great time of your life to get it sorted out NOW. Try something like,

"I know it is shocking to you, but I am still the same person, and I like to try different things with my hair. It is MY hair after all. I hope you can understand that some things are by MY choice, not yours, and not "ours". Like what I wear, or how I get my hair cut." Etc...

Also, forgive me if I go too far with this, but I would love to see you change your screen name to put "Angela" first. This is, in fact, YOUR screen name. Not his. There is nothing disrespectful to your spouse for such little personal ownerships.

I believe I may live with one